Cybill (1995) s01e05 Episode Script

I've travelled halfway across the galaxy to find my one true love just to lose her.
- But why? Why must you leave? - We both know it would never work.
It's my parents, isn't it? - No.
- Was I too clingy? - No.
- It's the cold-blooded thing.
Don't torture yourself.
It's not you.
Our planets are warring.
Millions are dying.
- Remember me.
- Always.
Oh! (She sobs) (Buzzing) Cut! Nice work, everybody.
That's a wrap.
Thank God.
Cybill, you were wonderful.
Thanks.
I do my best, even though I am working for scale.
Get it? Scale? No, OK, not funny.
- Do you have plans for dinner? - Thanks, but I'm a little tired.
I think I'll just go home and moult.
I'm the guest of honour at a Star Trek convention this weekend.
Anaheim.
Fancy hotel, big suite, honour bar.
- Will you beam down there with me? - Beam down? That's really cute.
- I don't think so.
- Come on, lower your shields.
- Let me in.
- You're serious.
We could boldly go where no one has gone before.
Jonathan, snap out of it.
You're an actor.
Ask me out in plain simple English.
- Do you wanna go out? - Sorry, I don't date actors.
? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? I know I said letting your ex-husband stay was a mistake, but I was wrong.
He's a lot of fun to have around.
Stop that.
I am a freeloader.
I don't belong here.
I'll move out and never bother my ex-wife, unless she wants me to move furniture.
OK, go ahead.
I say we stuff him full of candy and beat him like a pinata.
(Phone rings) Hello.
Oh, hi, Jonathan.
How did you get my number? A Romulan spy? Ha-ha.
Good one.
No, I haven't changed my mind.
I promised my daughter I'd take her to the circus.
OK.
You live long and prosper too.
- Bye.
Eurgh! Pooh! - What? He's gorgeous.
- You go out with him.
- He didn't ask me.
- You wouldn't go out with him.
- Because I'm still healing.
- It's been a year.
You're hiding.
- I am not.
I'm just waiting for the right young buck.
You know what your problem is? You're both addicted to orgasms.
Did I black out and miss something? I think you're both pathetic.
All you ever talk about is men and sex.
It's so boring.
What's the big prize? A few seconds of involuntary muscular contractions.
Sometimes you also get car fare.
Zoey, Maryann and I are talking about meaningful relationships, and yes, orgasms can be a part of that, a part where two people connect on a very intimate and spiritual level.
- Even if you're faking it.
- Maryann.
Like I ever gave him that satisfaction.
Well, I've chosen chastity.
Good.
A wonderful choice for a woman your age.
This has nothing to do with age, I've chosen it forever.
I don't wanna invalidate your feelings, but I've made that choice about 50 times in my life.
After this one, I swore on a stack of Bibles.
I'm serious.
I don't want to wind up a bitter, middle-aged divorced woman who's obsessed with her erogenous zones.
Am I bitter? I thought she was talking about me.
- This is a phase, right? - All girls go through that stage.
Didn't you? I did dress up as a nun once.
- But it was a present for my husband.
- That one? - No.
- Anybody home? That one.
Come in, your holiness.
Hello, ladies.
Jeff, don't get up.
I bought this for Zoey.
She keeps forgetting it.
- I can't imagine why.
- I ran into Phil Asher.
- How is he? - He and his wife broke up.
Oh, too bad.
They were a great couple.
- Is he dating yet? - Don't even think about it.
Phil is a good guy.
Down-to-earth, kind, hard-working.
So are the Amish, but I don't wanna date them either.
You'd rather make Haagen-Dazs and Stolichnaya floats than meet somebody.
First of all, I would never defile good vodka with a dairy product.
And secondly, I have no desire to be called a coward simply because I don't wanna date a bland little man named Phil.
- Think you hit a nerve? - She knows I'm right.
Invite Phil tonight to Firenze and we'll bump them into one another.
So, I would be like your date.
- In the sense that you pick up the check.
- Sounds fair.
- I'll take this to Zoey.
Eight o'clock OK? - Perfect.
Thanks, Ira.
You never dressed up like a nun for me.
Maryann! - What is this doing on your door? - Oh, my.
I guess this means the new maid quit.
- A remarkably good likeness.
- Yes.
Oh, well.
Another day, another voodoo curse.
- Why aren't you dressed? - Why don't we just order out? - Or you could cook.
- I wanna take you to dinner.
My treat.
- You never treat.
What's up? - I wanted to do something nice.
Then give me a pedicure.
- All right, Maryann, I set you up.
- With who? - A bland little man named Phil.
- Oh! Listen.
He doesn't even know it's a date.
No pressure, no expectations.
It's casual.
Well, if it means that much to you.
Attagirl! I have nothing to wear! Calm down.
It's casual, remember? Cybill, I have not been on a date in 25 years, so don't talk to me about casual! OK, OK.
- This is nice.
How about this red one? - He'll think I'm a slut.
- Purple? - Snob.
- Blue.
- Boring.
- Black.
- Death.
- White.
- Virgin.
- Yellow.
- Chicken.
Maryann.
OK, OK.
I have something new in the dressing room.
I'll get it.
Where is it? I don't see what you're talking - Maryann, open that door! - I'm sorry, darling, but I can't.
If I come out, you're gonna make me go.
- Stop being a baby.
- I'm not ready for a relationship.
It's not a relationship.
It's a plate of ravioli! Oh, yeah? What if this Phil and I like each other? What if we start dating, going away on weekends, live together, get married? Next thing you know, we'll get divorced, and I'll have to start stalking him.
None of that is going to happen tonight.
Remember to be pleasant and not to drink directly from the wine bottle.
Maryann? Cybill - I am so scared.
- That's normal, sweetheart.
It'll be OK.
I'll be by you the whole time, I promise.
OK, I'll go.
- Great! - How's this? - Perfect.
Let's go.
- Wait.
- What? - You're not gonna wear that, are you? - Sir, cappuccino, latte, espresso? - You have instant? - Instant? - If you got it.
- I'll try and find a Styrofoam cup.
- That's OK.
I'll drink it here.
So, Maryann, I bet Phil would love to hear how your house is just across the street from OJ Simpson's house.
My house is just across the street from OJ Simpson's house.
Tell him about the helicopters.
They were very loud.
Yeah, that's a nice neighbourhood, Brentwood.
My ex-wife lives up there.
- You and Stephanie getting along? - Oh, sure.
Life's too short.
Maryann, you get along with your ex? - I hope his colon explodes.
- Whoa! Cybill and I got along great, even made love once.
- We did not.
- Did too.
- You didn't tell me.
- He's lying.
You had three White Russians and threw yourself at me.
Hey, Phil! That's some beautiful watch.
24.
95.
Can you believe it? Here, look at this.
- Darn thing is indestructible.
- I can't believe you're denying it.
Watch this.
Now, that is value and quality.
- Spent most of the night.
- Ladies' room.
Maryann? Oh, yes.
Me too.
You don't buy a fine '84 Beaujolais.
You rent it.
Good one.
- I am really upset with you.
- I know.
Sorry I pushed you into this.
How could you do Ira without telling me? - Forget that.
- Did you? No, and I was drunk.
Back to Phil.
If you wanna leave, I understand.
- I think he's fascinating.
- I said I was sorry.
No, I really like him.
He's cute and cuddly in a sloppy joe kind of way.
- All righty.
- Do you think he likes me? - Was I talking too much? - You hardly said a word.
Should I talk more? This is my first date, other than with my husband, since Jerry Pinkus in the 11th grade.
You ask Ira to ask Phil if he likes me.
How about I pass him a note in study hall? Come on.
If he doesn't like me, I'll just die.
Maryann, get a grip.
- No more Beaujolais.
Are you OK? - Fine, fine.
I'm fine.
- Miss Sheridan, there's a call for you.
- Oh, thank you.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jonathan.
How did you find me? My roommate? No, that's my daughter, my celibate daughter.
I can't talk now.
I'm on a date.
I am too! Ira! Look, he wants to talk to you.
- Tell this man we've slept together.
- I'm confused.
- Just do it! - I'll tell him if you'll tell Phil.
- Ira! - OK.
Who is he? The second in command of the Starship Enterprise.
Listen, Nimoy, stay away from my woman.
Close enough.
- We're leaving.
- What's wrong? Nothing.
Philip invited me to go have a beer in the valley.
- Want us to go with you? - No.
I wish we could go with you, but I have another ex-husband at home.
- I got the check.
- Oh, thanks.
Bye! - Can you believe that? - Amazing.
Well, looks like it's just you and me, Cyb, again.
There is no again.
It never happened.
How about we get you drunk and have it not happen again? We'll take one of these and one of these and one of these.
We were supposed to meet at the tea room.
What are you doing? Working up an appetite.
That's enough for today.
Bag it and ship it.
So what happened with Phil last night? I drank a lite beer.
Did you know it's spelt L-l-T-E? - Isn't that adorable? - And? We took a drive in his Sport Crown Victoria.
What a car.
You could put my entire Mercedes in the trunk and still have room for your tools.
Philip said that.
I laughed.
Oh, how I laughed.
That's nice.
Your first date under your belt.
- The next guy might be special.
- Then I bought him shoes.
Pardon? Our drive led to a midnight sale at Nordstroms.
- I bought him Italian loafers.
- You bought him shoes? He was wearing some kind of lumberjack things.
- You bought him shoes? - You should have seen his face.
He was really tickled.
He said, "Maryann, I'm really tickled.
" - Shall I send these to your house? - No, gift-wrapped and sent here.
Whoa! Stop! Another pair of shoes? Are the tassels too much? I don't wanna make a faux pas.
It's been a while.
People don't give footwear like they used to.
Oh, pish.
These will really brighten his day.
Go, go, go.
You know, Cybill, I have you to thank for this new relationship.
No, no, no.
I'm not taking any credit for this.
This is all you.
Ooh, cowboy boots.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? (Gunfire and music on TV) (Turns TV off) Something I can do for you, Zo? I'm curious.
You're 45 and you live above your ex-wife's garage.
What do you do for self-esteem? - Go away, Zo.
- You are the father of my half-sister.
Which, of course, would make you, well, nothing to me.
But before you graced us with your extended presence, Mom promised me the room above the garage.
Oh, I get it.
Boys, huh? Yeah, that's it, Jeff.
Boys.
I need to create a private love nest to satiate my burgeoning carnal hunger.
- Excuse me? - Move out! - (Doorbell rings) - I'm coming! Sorry, Mom.
I gave it my best shot.
- You talked to Jeff? - Yeah, I think I was too subtle.
Well, thanks for trying, honey.
- Hi, Ira.
- I'll be right down.
- OK, baby.
We need to talk.
- About Phil? Yeah.
- Not Phil.
Zoey.
- What's wrong? Look at my phone bill.
Zoey's been calling a 976 number.
- What kind of 976 number? - Some kind of chastity chatline.
I listened to teenagers talk about not having sex for $2.
95 a minute.
Our daughter has decided to live a life of celibacy.
Really? Great.
Our divorce has turned her off to ever having an intimate relationship.
Celibate daughter, happy dad.
- Well, I hope she'll grow out of it.
- I hope you'll grow out of it.
Zoey! Wait.
Phil hasn't called Maryann since they went out.
- Any idea what's going on? - He thinks she's nuts.
- Because she sent him shoes? - Every day this week.
- Nuts? That's the word he used? - There was a word in front of nuts.
That's not fair.
Maryann is loving.
- Shoes, Cybill.
Seven pairs of shoes.
- She just got carried away.
OK.
She's slightly nuts.
That wasn't the word.
Hey, Dad, let's get really crazy and go see a movie with no animals in it.
Yeah, fine.
Listen, Zoey, I think that maybe - We have to have a talk.
- What kind of talk? An honest, frank, no-holds-barred talk about your uh, you know.
My what? Hair? Clothes? Grades? This.
976 Uh-Uh.
What do you do, trace all my calls? Just the ones that cost me $374 a month.
Listen, Zoey, it's perfectly fine with me that you're not doing what you're not doing.
Boy, when you say no holds barred, you ain't kidding.
I wanna make sure you're not doing this for the wrong reasons.
- What? - Zoey, listen.
We never discussed the emotional toll the divorce had on you.
Yes, and I've always been very grateful.
Come on, no jokes.
You know your mother and I love you very much.
You can have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man someday, far in the future, when you feel you're ready, after I'm dead.
I never told you this, Dad, but the day you moved out was one of the worst days of my life.
- I know.
It was hard on all of us.
- I felt like it was my fault.
No, no, no, it had nothing to do with you.
Just saying it doesn't stop the bad dreams.
Oh, baby.
I would do anything to make you happy, anything in the world.
Can I have a car? - No.
- OK, then let's go.
Just like her mother.
- It was the shoes, wasn't it? - Possibly.
I thought it was romantic and whimsical.
He thought it was obsessive and scary.
Go figure.
What was I thinking? About making someone happy.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I always used to buy things for Richard.
Shirts, shoes.
Those little nose-hair clippers.
- I loved that.
- And you'll get to do it again.
But next time maybe wait till the second date.
In the meantime, I'm really proud of you.
You took a risk, made yourself vulnerable.
That's a big step.
- I guess I owe Phil an apology.
- No, he's fine.
No, I do.
- Come with me to his office.
- Let it go.
- This isn't about him.
It's about me.
- No, it's about him.
Please! To come out of this with any dignity, I have to explain.
Wait.
If you're gonna insist on doing this, I have to tell you the truth.
- What truth? - He's dead.
Phil's dead.
Nice try.
? There's a shine on your shoes ? There's a melody in your heart? The basic plans call for 18 residential units, ranging from 3,000 square feet - I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Maryann, hi.
- Yes, I'm in a meeting.
- This will only take a minute.
- Hi, Phil.
How you doing? Hi, fellas.
- I came to explain about the shoes.
- Could we do this later? - I want you to know I am not a lunatic.
- I'm sure you're not.
- I've just come out of a long marriage.
You were my first date.
Perhaps I was a tad overzealous.
- Say no more.
- Thank you.
Good work, Maryann.
Let's go.
Thank you, Phil, for being so understa You're wearing the shoes.
The Tuesday shoes.
- I sent you those on Tuesday.
- Come on.
- He's wearing the shoes.
- Say bye-bye.
You won't return my phone calls, but you'll wear my shoes? Well, they are nice shoes.
- Give me the shoes.
- Maybe Phil could send them to you.
I want them now! - Maryann - Phil, better give her the shoes.
Could Could I just send you a cheque? - Thank you.
- Bye, Phil.
Nice to see you.
Hey, great socks.
? There's a shine on your shoes ? There's a melody in your heart ? What a wonderful way to start the day? (Cybill) Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Yes, you're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Isn't that yummy? Yeah.
Here you go.
Don't forget dessert.
A wonderful habit he's learning.
I'm teaching him to appreciate fine Italian leather.
He won't touch your shoes.
- Maryann, it's all set.
- What's all set? - I've fixed her up with my buddy.
- A former stuntman.
- So soon after the shoe incident? - He's the perfect transition man.
Only has one foot.
You'll never guess who's at the door.
Jonathan Frakes! - Don't touch it! - Why not? He's been asking me out.
He's even married.
- So what? I'd jump his bones.
- What about your vow of chastity? He's number two guy on the Enterprise.
If the bald guy dies, he's the boss.
Stay away from that door.
Shh! Nobody's home.
Let's try Candice Bergen's house.