Dads s01e05 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ooh, oh-ho-ho! What are we celebrating? Well, Dan's stepdaughter just made varsity golf.
Oh, my gosh, yay, that's so great! Who's Dan? I think he's Hawaiian shirt guy.
Oh, Hawaiian shirt.
What a fresh take on fun.
Yeah.
Hey, why is it every time we get the smallest bit of good news, - you insist on having a party? - Well, here's a reason.
Uh, I never get to have a birthday party.
- Why not? - When's my birthday? September 11th Oh! Terrorists stole my special day.
Hey, Warner, these are great cold cuts.
David, did I ever tell you my idea for "warm cuts"? Well, they're just like cold cuts, except - Warm.
- See? You get it.
All right, guys, to honor this occasion, I would like to pleasure you orally.
With a fine cigar.
Oh.
Mmm.
Oh! Uh, do not light those.
Why not? I don't like the smell.
Why, does it remind you of the men you used to dance for? You look like a tough cartoon baby.
Besides, you shouldn't be smoking today.
You two have your physicals for the company insurance policy tomorrow.
Oh, I don't want to do the physicals, come on! I'm fine, he's fine.
We're fine, we're all fine.
Yeah, we're all fine, everybody's fine.
Will you just cover for us for a little bit? Where are you going? We're gonna go upstairs and smoke these.
Well, you can't just leave.
It's the middle of a workday.
Could we leave if there was a death in the family? Well, yeah.
All of our aunts just died.
Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Now this is how successful men celebrate.
What we celebring? Oh, our, uh-uh, coworker's stepdaughter made the varsity team today.
Well, my nephew crawl to America in a sewer pipe today.
Welcome to Estados Unidos, Miguel.
Miguel! You know, I used to smoke five of these a day down at the Pan Am board room.
Then they realized when the smoke cleared, I didn't work there.
That sounds like a lot of smoking.
When was your last physical? Oh, let me see.
Well, Warner, when was that-that AIDS craze? Dad, again, AIDS was not a "craze.
" Okay.
All right, it was no hula hoop, but it got people talking.
Hey, maybe you guys should come with us when we get physicals.
I don't need a doctor.
The leading cause of death in our family is Nazis.
Yeah, we don't need doctors, okay? Everybody's fine.
Well, you're really scared of the doctor, aren't you? They have skeletons in the room.
Don't worry, Mr.
Warner.
Skeletons only come alive at night.
Come on.
Let's go get our speed bags squeezed by some old Jewish dude.
Your temperature is 98.
6.
98.
6? Oh, my gosh, we're already finishing each others' sentences.
I feel really good about what's happening here.
Okay, I'm just gonna put this in your mouth.
Now you're stealing my lines.
All right, Warner, I'm gonna listen to your heart.
Okay, okay, I have to warn you, I'm-I'm-I'm pretty ticklish.
I'm sorry.
Okay, okay I can't listen when you laugh.
I know, I know, sorry.
Okay, you can do it.
Okay, I'm ready.
I'm ready, okay, yeah, okay.
Ready? Okay? Oh, my God! Okay.
I should just do it myself.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, Warner, you can do this.
Don't laugh, don't laugh.
Dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens.
Okay, I'm ready.
I'm sorry, I can't do it.
Actually I had one that lasted more than four hours, and I almost called you.
Hearing or vision loss? No, sore wrist.
So, any questions? Have you seen the movie, Tin Cup? - No.
- Then I have no questions.
I have your results, which I'd like to read to all of you.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
What about doctor-patient confidentiality? Eh.
David and Crawford, I have bad news.
I'm afraid your sons are in terrible shape.
What?! I hate it here.
Crawford and David, whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
Hmm.
H-He eats food off the ground after parades.
People get excited.
They drop things.
You two need to take a page from your fathers' books.
You have the same genetics.
Just do what they do and come and see me in a week.
Oh, wait, sorry.
Next week? Isn't there a way to just sign the insurance form and then we can I can't do that.
It goes against my professional integrity.
Ah, okay.
Doctor, can I take these pills I found here in the cushions? Sure.
But don't drink on those.
Wink, wink.
So, let me get this straight.
Your dads passed the physical and you two did not? Well, it's not like a course that you can take pass-fail.
- So then how'd you do? - We failed.
I-I don't get it.
All I do is work out, drink water and eat women's energy bars.
Now I got to take health tips from my dad.
I know.
And all they do is sleep, drink and go to the bathroom.
They're like drunk babies.
Morning.
Dad, it's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Ah, well, then it's time for a cocktail.
Guys, we don't have alcohol in the office.
Hmm.
What do you have at your house? Beer.
What do you got? Gin, scotch, rye, bourbon and tequila.
Can I go to Crawford's house? All right.
Mwah! Wait a minute.
You know what? That's exactly what we should be doing.
What do you mean? Kissing each other on the mouth? No.
No.
No, no.
We should be doing what they do.
The doctor said that they're healthier than we are.
Oh.
I know that's what the doctor said, but I don't want to take lessons from my dad.
Lesson one: What you put in your body in no way affects your health.
Dad, you are always complaining about stomach pain.
Stomach pain is a way to tell you that your body is working.
I stuff myself with Chinese food, I feel terrible, I know I'm healthy.
You eat this junk all the time and then you're in the bathroom all day.
How much time are you spending on the can every day? I don't know.
You don't know? Dad, I have to work.
I can't spend all day in the bathroom.
Yes, you can.
If people aren't enraged with how long you've been in there, you weren't in there long enough.
How do I know when's it okay to come out? When you leave that bathroom shaking like a newborn deer, you're done.
All right, Warner, now that you've had your first hammock brandy, how do you feel? I feel like a dizzy millionaire.
Excellent.
Now we should put something in our stomachs.
And I want you to write this next part down.
Okay.
Look at this, wheat germ, Greek yogurt, skim milk.
These are the things that are blocking my dessert wine.
Do you ever eat food? Of course.
My diet is 70% schnitzel, 20% food court teriyakis and, at the top of the pyramid, fudge.
How are you still alive? Ah.
The fudge attracts the germs, the alcohol sterilizes them and then the fat escorts them out the back door in a jellied mess.
You know what? We're talking about this, and we're not even having a conversation beer.
Okay, so you're just always drunk.
Hey, remember, you're never drunk if you're always drunk.
Hmm? Lesson two How is just sitting here, watching TV good for you? I'm not just watching TV.
I scream at it.
That's my cardio.
Here.
Turn to any channel.
I'm not buying insurance from any reptile! Get out of that hurricane, Anderson Cooper, you fake hero! Hey, Simon Cowell, get a bra! Okay.
You try.
Uh, you should've not shaved that mustache, Alex Trebek I thought you were serious about this.
Come on, mean it.
Sorry.
Die, Oprah! Too far.
Try again.
Too far.
That's not dancing! Those aren't stars! There you go.
That does feel better.
Sure does.
And remember, with cardio, anyone can be yelled at.
Hey, Edna! Put that Chinese food in the freezer before it gets rotten! I'm not a slave! You put in yourself, you! And she yells back, so we're both exercising.
She just burned off a churro.
Okay.
Good workout, Mr.
David.
Ooh! Um, where have you been? Work started two hours ago.
There was a free pancake breakfast at Saint Mary the Blessed Heart.
You're Jewish.
Yeah, but who can tell? Everyone.
Here, take a look at these landscapes for Tropic of Murder.
Oh, those are terrible colors.
No, too many volcanoes.
Those trees are stupid.
Oh, my God, I think I'm leaking syrup.
I really hope I'm leaking syrup.
So, everything good? Very good.
You and Eli turned this around in a week.
Great.
Speaking of turning around Huh? I need to do a prostate exam.
Oh yeah Yeah, I'm not good at that.
No, maybe I can e-mail you a picture.
Just relax, come on.
No, I No, I don't want I don't want to.
Just relax, come on.
Just relax, relax.
Okay.
Okay, okay, but, uh, just be gentle, okay? I-I've never had anything Oh, my God! Almost done? Uh, Doctor, you're, you're really thorough.
Doc? What happened? Oh, my God, Doctor.
He's dead.
Well, at least he died in the line of duty.
What do you mean he's dead?! He was just giving me an exam! Yeah, he still is.
Well, g-get him out of there.
I can't.
Eli, Eli, get in there.
Let go.
I can't.
He's right, it's an involuntary reflex.
It's called a peristaltic contraction.
Is that normal? Not at all.
Well, can't you give him something? Only the doctor can do that.
Well, he's with a patient right now.
I'll go get some help.
Okay.
Eli, are you still here? Yeah, still here, buddy.
How long is this gonna take? Well, it took 'em 60 days to get those coal miners out in Peru.
We may need to drill a second hole.
Oh, boy.
Did, uh, did you guys try pulling it out? Uh, yeah, we tried pulling it out.
That's the first thing we tried! Well, I can't do it.
The equipment for this kind of thing is in New Orleans.
How do you not have this equipment in San Francisco? Oh, my God, Warner, baby, are you okay? No.
Wait a minute.
Warner? Warner Whittemore? Yeah.
Rob Davies, 11th grade, man, Model U.
N.
Oh, what's up, Rob? Man.
Yeah yeah.
Wait a minute.
Rob Davies? Camila.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Ooh wait, you guys are married? Yeah, we got two kids now.
Ooh.
I know.
Warner, you are a lucky guy.
Great to see you.
Come here, girl.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, God, your hair smells the same.
Oh, stop.
Excuse me, I, I kind of have a little situation over here.
Whoa.
Hands Across America.
You know what? I've got an idea.
You know those Chinese finger traps where you have to push in to pull out? Let me try something here, okay? No, no, no, no, no.
I no clean that.
In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost, let us all say "Amen.
" Amen.
You're going to be fine.
We see a lot of this at the church.
Oh, my God, Howard! I begged him to retire, but he was so into his work.
Did he suffer? Did he suffer? May I just have a moment alone with my husband? Oh, ok-okay.
All right, Warner.
I'm going to give you a mild sedative to relax your muscles.
You may feel a slight poke.
Oh, don't worry, he can handle it.
Doc, uh, how long does it take for the? Oh, there it is, okay.
You're all beautiful people.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm reading the doctor's obituary, and ironically he went to Brown.
Hey.
Hi, Warner, I didn't expect to see you in.
What do you mean? Why, w-why wouldn't I be in? Oh, you mean because of yesterday? No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Well, it was worth it.
The insurance was approved, and you don't have to have another physical for two years.
Good, okay, yeah, just remind me.
Wait, so ha-have you gotten over your fear of doctors? Oh, yeah, yeah, you know, having a doctor die inside me made me realize how silly I've been.
Um, I got your e-mail; Your desk is all set up.
Oh, good, okay.
Are you sure you want your desk this way? Yep.
Well, your shoe's untied.
You want to bend over and get it? Nope.
Are you just going to stand like this for the rest of your life? Yeah.
Well, buddy, you'll always be number one to me.