Dad's Army (1968) s01e05 Episode Script

All over Britain, the civilian population is digging for victory.
Every square inch of space is under intensive cultivation.
Nothing is too small, nothing too humble.
Every ounce of food grown at home means home security.
Here we see members of the Home Guard working on their allotment.
Hello, what's this? They've spotted a low–flying enemy plane.
A lucky escape for Jerry, and pigeon pie for supper for the boys of the Home Guard.
Here are the Reichssender Hamburg, station Bremen and station DXB on the 31–metre band.
You are about to hear our news in English.
– The British Ministry of Disinformation has – Wilson! It was tuned in like that.
– It's the vicar's.
– Good heavens! – It must be a mistake.
– Watch him.
– His last sermon was most seditious.
– Really? With Hitler just across the Channel, there are better subjects than the parting of the waves.
Major Regan from Area HQ is visiting us.
I expect it's because we're on coastal patrol tonight.
We're responsible for the area from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Per.
That's our weak spot – the pier.
We need our best man on that end.
Who's on first? – Frazer and Godfrey, sir.
– Who's the better of the two? In the normal way, I'd say Godfrey, sir, but he's got this unfortunate bladder trouble.
That's risky.
Jerry could invade while he had his back turned.
You'd better put Frazer there.
– Sir! The uniform tops have arrived, sir! – That's good news.
– Bring them in and unpack them.
– I already have.
We should have got the pick of those.
– Permission to speak, sir.
– Not now.
Fall the men in.
They couldn't have come at a better time.
Now we're going to look like something out of Fred Karno's Army.
Hey! I never told you to fall in.
Fall in! Damn! I knew we should have got here first.
They've left me one without buttons.
Mine are the same.
For heaven's sake! – Platoon! – Permission to speak, sir.
Not just now.
Platoon Has no one got buttons? – No, sir.
– That's why I wanted to speak, sir.
– They come separate with those ring things.
– Well, this won't stop us.
We've got plenty of buttons at home.
This sort of thing brings out the best in our womenfolk.
Be back here in 45 minutes, by which time I expect to have everything buttoned up.
Nice little joke, sir.
Very good.
– Platoon ready for inspection, sir.
– Thank you, Corporal.
– Squad, 'shun! – Wait a minute, sir.
I wasn't ready.
Stand at ease.
Squad, 'shun! – I wasn't quite ready.
– All right, Corporal.
Soldiers.
That's what they look like, Wilson.
Soldiers.
– What's that cap badge? – One and six.
If you want to kit out the whole mob, it'll cost 14 bob a dozen.
– What regiment is it? – Coldstream Guards, Grenadier Guards Don't you understand, Walker? To wear a badge you're not entitled to is an offence.
I wouldn't call it an offence.
A bit of a liberty, yeah Take it off.
They come off my patrol coat.
I haven't worn it since Jutland, and the moths got at it.
– You're lucky you didn't get woodworm, too.
– Very good, sir! Those are rather flamboyant.
My dress studs, sir.
That's all I could manage.
I'm afraid the diamonds aren't real.
Platoon, stand at ease.
I'm sure you'll all agree that this is a great moment.
This is a great step forward towards fighting efficiency, and it's come at just the right time, because tonight we are responsible for a vulnerable stretch of our beloved land.
We are responsible for England from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.
There's 15 minutes before we move to our guard post – the Novelty Rock Emporium.
That time can best be spent in smartening ourselves up and checking our weapons.
Corporal, fall the men out.
– We'd better check our own equipment.
– I quite agree with you, sir.
Good idea.
– I'll bring them bangers in a minute, sir.
– Thank you.
What have you got here, sir? Knife, cosh, knuckleduster, bicycle chain, sandwiches.
– You keep that on.
Do you hear me? – But, Mum, it's such a silly colour! Nonsense.
Mr Mainwaring won't mind.
You don't think he looks silly, do you? Well The colour is perhaps a little startling.
He needs something to keep him warm.
He's on coast watch all night.
I made them for the Bunny Babes dancing display.
– Now they make lovely balaclava helmets.
– Yes, they do.
I am glad you think so, 'cause I brought one for you.
Mavis, please.
– And one for you, Mr Mainwaring.
– What? That's very kind of you, Mrs Pike, but the ears wouldn't go under my helmet.
Don't be silly.
I'll cut the ears off.
Now try this on.
No, really.
I'd rather – Arthur! Put your ears on.
– It's rather embarrassing.
That time you went on manoeuvres, you were awake all night with your coughing.
– You said.
– All right.
– I'll try it on.
It's really appalling, all this.
– I'll snip those ears off.
I can't see what I'm doing up there.
You'll all have to get down a bit.
– That's better.
– Major Regan, sir, from Area Headquarters.
Good evening, sir.
She was just about to cut our ears off.
I made them for the Bunny Babes.
– I see.
– She thought they'd make balaclava helmets.
– Pink? With ears on? – You cut the ears off.
I'll run along.
And I'll away and get into my Winnie the Pooh outfit.
I'm sure they're very cosy, but pantomime clothes are not very good for discipline.
Nothing wrong with the discipline here.
It's first class.
Now, then.
Sorry, I nearly forgot.
There's half a dozen eggs.
Half a pint of milk.
Chocolate.
Sergeant, there's your fags.
– I'll settle up later.
– Haven't you forgotten something? – I'll take your order later.
– Salute your commanding officer! Sorry about that.
– Mainwaring, what's going on here? – Here we are, Mr Mainwaring.
There's six pounds of best sausages.
That's enough for the whole troop.
We can have a nice fry–up about two o'clock in the morning, sir.
Rank, man.
Rank! Pardon? They were fresh this morning! Perhaps you can explain, Captain? – We're going on coastal patrol, sir.
– It looks like a damn party.
These extras keep up the men's morale.
The best way to keep up morale is with discipline and efficiency.
The BDS has appointed me to inspect training and battle drill in our Home Guard units, and I'm going to start with you.
You'll be very welcome, sir.
We're very proud of our progress.
What sort of things do you want to see, sir? Use of weapons.
Aiming and firing.
Crawling.
Use of cover.
Map reading.
First aid.
Bayonet fighting.
– Unarmed combat.
– Splendid.
We're ready for you any time you like.
– Now? – Ah That would be a bit awkward.
We're about to go on coastal patrol.
– Tomorrow morning.
– Well I have to open the bank at 9.
30.
What about the rest of them? Lance Corporal Jones, the butcher, sluices his slab down at eight o'clock.
Not that there's anything on it.
Old habits die hard.
Frazer, Locke and White They've all got shops, you see.
– Godfrey's retired.
You can inspect him.
– Tomorrow's his pension morning.
– Tomorrow evening, then.
– Yes.
Why not? – At 1800 hours.
– Six o'clock, sir.
Oh, yes.
Look forward to that, sir.
– I think you might get quite a surprise.
– I very much doubt it.
We'll have to watch him, Wilson.
His eyes are too close together.
– Everything ready? – As far as it can be.
They're a grand bunch, but with so much to do, there are gaps in their training.
I wouldn't worry.
While you were planning the grand strategy, I taught them a lot myself.
– Major Regan, sir.
– Good evening, sir.
Everything's ready.
– No trading today? Is it early closing? – Would you like to start now? – Before they forget their party pieces, eh? – Lead the way.
Right, squad.
Squad, 'shun! – May we carry on with our training, sir? – Please do.
– Sergeant.
– (WILS0N) Carry on training.
What's this? Current affairs? – Why aren't you in uniform? – I'm the caretaker.
Move! This is a military inspection! These men are studying aircraft recognition.
– Try them out, sir.
– Do all the men learn it? – Definitely.
– Then there's no set piece.
You, boy.
– What plane is that? – A Heinkel 111, sir.
– Good.
Show the next one.
– That's all we've got.
What's the good of only identifying a Heinkel 111? Because usually around here, it IS a Heinkel 111.
Your people wouldn't give us more charts.
They're in very short supply.
– I'm not used to being spoken to like that.
– We'll discuss it later.
If I tell the vicar, he'll turf you all out.
– There is a war on.
– That cuts no ice with His Reverence.
He's not happy about the way this hall is being used for war–like purposes.
– We'll discuss it later.
– There's no need for him to go on at me.
– Blimp! – Don't be cheeky.
Here, we're learning the rudiments of map reading.
– What's this? – A church without a steeple.
– Give me the map reference.
– 186003.
It'll be Methodist, I expect, sir.
– What's that? – A railway.
– And that? – A water mill.
And that? A wee speck of dirt.
So it is.
Not bad at all.
You! – Yes, sir.
– What's this? A map.
Here, sir, we've got the first–aid section.
How do you do? How do you arrest arterial bleeding? I tourniquet the pressure points here and there and there.
What do you know about a tourniquet around the throat? It kills the patient.
It's better to use the thumb and relieve the pressure every few minutes.
– Was that what sir had in mind? – Of course.
These two men are practising unarmed combat.
He wouldn't come at you like that.
He's trying to kill you – like this! – You're lucky I didn't put the boot in.
– Well done, Walker.
Coming along nicely.
– You didn't have to do that.
– My men are very keen, sir.
If you value your life, you won't trifle with them.
Shall we have a formal inspection while we get our breath back? – Yes, please do.
– Fall in.
Three ranks.
Come on.
Three ranks.
– Bearing Jones in mind, go easy on the drill.
– All right.
At ease.
Squad, 'shun! Slope arms! – One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
– They were together.
How did you do that? They're all taking Jones's time.
We thought if we couldn't beat him, we'd better join him.
I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.
The Home Guard has to be an efficient, fighting unit.
There's no room for mummy's darlings, slackers, dodgers, spivs and drones, or elderly gentlemen amusing themselves.
– How old are you? – 58.
– 59.
– 60.
House! What are they? I don't recognise them.
A bit before your time, I expect, sir.
I don't mind showing you, sir.
Would you mind holding that, please, sir? One, two, three, four, five, six.
They're all general–service medals.
Seven.
That's the Egyptian Campaign, Eight.
That's the Khedives Star, sir.
What's number nine for? That's trying to relieve General Gordon, sir.
– You must have been very young.
– I didn't have my stripe.
I do remember that.
Hardly surprising.
You'd be six.
Well, I might have dropped a year or two, but I can still get the cold steel in there, sir.
I'm a perfectly fit man, sir, you see? Yah! Oh, I haven't got it.
Oh, you've got it, sir.
I don't suppose you've fired it.
I have now, sir.
Let's see some of this fighting spirit.
Order arms! One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One! Fix bayonets.
– You've given me the wrong one, Godfrey.
– Mind where you're pointing the thing! – He's making a shambles of your platoon.
– You're making him nervous.
I don't like nervous soldiers.
Let's see how good you are at bayonet fighting.
– Frazer, Walker, Pike, over here.
– They can take care of themselves.
– I'd like to see you two.
And you.
– Yes, sir.
– You see that target there? – Yes.
Charge! Not bad, Godfrey.
Fine when you're fighting bags of straw, but I want to see more guts! You! Charge! Yer bastard Nazi! I'm sorry, sir.
I swore.
You thought you were doing that to a Nazi, didn't you? Oh, no, sir – just somebody I don't like very much.
Corporal – you.
That's a Nazi.
See what you can do to him.
Yes, sir.
You dirt–eating swine! You looters, rapers, ravishers – despoilers of womanhood! – You Wagh! – Why don't you charge? My glasses have got a bit steamed up.
– Would you care to see some grenade drills? – No, thank you.
– What are the rules of aiming? – Keep the tip of the blade in the foresight – and in line with the centre of the target, sir.
– Good.
Well done.
– What are the rules of aiming? – He just told you, sir.
– No, you.
– Keep Keep the foresight in line with – No, that's not it.
Keep the foresight in line – I've heard all I want to hear.
– Mainwaring! – That's very rude.
I was talking to him! That man is making your platoon look ridiculous.
He's as keen as mustard, sir.
– He's a good example to the youngsters.
– He's a potential danger.
– He's just not up to it.
– He's got the sort of fighting spirit we need.
– I should hate to lose him.
– You may have to.
– Isn't that up to us? – Not necessarily.
I'll make my report to the area commander.
You've got a long way to go, but you've done remarkably well.
Congratulations.
– Good show, Mainwaring! – Thank you very much, sir.
There's no doubt about it, we acquitted ourselves magnificently.
Yes, I was awfully pleased.
Of course, no one man can take the credit, but it does make all my hard work seem very worthwhile.
One can't help wondering who was the most surprised – Major Regan or you.
Why do you always have to spoil everything? You can go.
– Rotten bastard! – I beg your pardon, sir? – Swine! – I know we've had our differences of opinion, – but there's no need for such beastly language.
– Listen to this.
It's from GHQ.
''In view of the fact that Lance Corporal Jones's records show that he is overage, ''we feel that he should stand down.
'' It's that Major Regan.
He couldn't fault us for anything else, so he picked on poor old Jones.
There's some more here.
''However, in view of your strong personal views ''and the fact that Lance Corporal Jones has such a distinguished record of service, ''if Jones can complete the divisional assault course in 15 minutes, ''he shall remain with the platoon during the present period of emergency.
'' – Well, the infantry only have ten.
– He'll never do it.
Regan just wants to see him make a fool of himself.
– Well, one of us is going to have to tell him.
– Yes.
Hello, gentlemen! I saw you come across, so I thought I'd just pop over.
There's a pound of steak for you, Mr Mainwaring, – and a pound of steak for you, Mr Wilson.
– Thank you.
I say! We showed him, didn't we! Sit down, Jones, will you? I'll get it.
Make yourself comfortable.
– Thank you very much, sir.
– I've got something to tell you.
– I'm going to get my second stripe, sir? – Well, no, not exactly.
I've had a letter from GHQ, and they feel that – Well, the fact is, they feel – Yes, sir? – They feel that you're overage, Jones.
– Overage?! I'm only 70.
That's just the point.
You see, they feel that 70 is overage.
That's not fair.
I can do anything the other blokes can do.
I bet it's that snooty major.
I bet it's him.
I only wish I had him registered with me for meat.
He'd get it, but I'd cut it off of gristle.
I do that sometimes, you know, when I don't like 'em.
I sit at home having me Sunday lunch, thinking of them chewing the gristle.
I'm sorry, Jones.
They want you to stand down.
Stand down? – There must be something we can do.
– What about the test? Do you think he's up to it? – What test? – To go over the assault course in 15 minutes.
That'd be a bit of cake! – I don't think you could manage it, Jones.
– Manage it? After parade tonight, we'll go down the assault course and I'll show 'em.
I'll go through that assault course just like a dose I'll go right through that.
We'll show 'em, sir.
They don't call me ''Up 'Em Jones'' for nothing! – You've got 15 minutes.
– Stand by with the stopwatch.
– He'd do better with a grandfather clock.
– I heard that.
Wilson and I will accompany you round the course but, first, I have to give you a message.
I'll give it to you once.
You'll repeat it to us when you come back.
– Are you listening? – Yes, sir.
The enemy's on the run.
Send reinforcements.
I am going to advance.
– Got it? – Yes, sir.
All right.
Stand by.
Off you go.
Come on.
Give him a hand.
– Push him up.
– Wait a minute.
Right.
Up! He can't get up.
He's stuck.
He's got his boot in Walker's pocket.
Come on.
Get up there.
Well done, Jones.
Oh, he's left his rifle.
Jones! Jones! You left your rifle behind! Jones, do you hear me? Jones! – Yes, sir.
– You left your Sorry, sir.
Right, sir.
All right.
We'll take that as done.
Come on.
Quickly.
– Round here, Jones.
– Underneath here.
Under you go, Jones.
Underneath.
Quick as you can.
Well done.
On you go.
Quick as you can, Jones.
Do you think he should do this, sir? Oh, he's all right.
Keep going, Jones.
Keep it up, Jones.
All right, Jones? – Where is he? Where's he gone? – Just a minute.
Lance Corporal Jones, are you there? – He's disappeared.
– He can't have.
Go in and find him.
It would have more authority coming from you.
Oh, Lord, have I got to do it? Will you hold the tarpaulin up for me, please? Jones! Come on, Jones.
Where are you? Jones! Are you all right? Jones! Jones, where are you? Jones! Are you all right? Jones! – What's happening down there? – I can't find him, sir.
Jones! Jones! Answer me at once, Jones, do you hear? – What's he doing down there? – He's looking for Jones.
– Any sign? – No.
– How long's he been gone now? – Two hours and 15 minutes.
If he can cut two hours off his time, he'll be all right.
– I hope nothing's happened to him.
– We should call them.
Mr Mainwaring! We know very well that he doesn't stand a chance with the real test tomorrow.
– I'm afraid it's hopeless.
– It's a pity to lose him.
What about it, Joe? – What are you looking at me for? – We thought you might be able to help.
I can nobble greyhounds, but that's a different caper, innit? I can't make him run faster, can I? I can't doctor his oats.
I mean, I can't Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
It's sporting of you to do this.
Still, once an old campaigner, always an old campaigner, eh? He's an OLD campaigner, all right.
Where's your helmet? – Nobody said nothing about an helmet, sir.
– Sergeant, give him yours.
That's the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Now we won't have any trouble spotting you.
I'll just give you the message, then off you go.
– Are you ready? – Yes, sir.
Here's the message.
''Send the following ammunition at once.
''50,000 rounds of .
303.
''33,000 rounds of .
300.
''46 Mills grenades.
''200 3.
7 shells and 275 pull–throughs.
'' – Is that all, sir? – That's all.
– Right, sir, – Just a minute.
Right.
Stand by.
Go.
Out of my way, you fools.
I can't see.
Good heavens.
That was quick! Yes.
Very quick.
By Jove, he shows some spirit! – Well done, Jones! – The message, man.
The message! Send the following ammunition at once! – and 275 pull–throughs.
– If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, – I'd never have believed it.
– Neither would I, sir.
– What was his time, Major? – 13 minutes.
Fantastic! I don't think we need worry any more about you, Jones.
Carry on.
Well done, Jones.
We're very proud of you.
Just a minute.
There's something fishy going on and I mean to get to the bottom of it.
All right, sir? He's gone, too.
Well, you always said his eyes were too close together, sir.