Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

DAN: Hey, check it out, thunder sticks.
You know how these work? Yeah, I know how-- Like this.
(Banging loudly) We have to get some for our campaign.
These are great.
Let's order a bunch.
Oh, and make sure you get an even number or someone won't thunder stick.
They'd be thunder-stuck.
Nobody's going to be thunder-sticking or "stucking.
" We can't afford it.
I thought you were fundraising.
Oh, I am.
I'm talking to Steve McKay.
The real estate developer? Steve the subdivision king? Dude on the billboards with the crown.
Hey, you know what would get him excited about our campaign? (Banging loudly) Yeah, that gets people jazzed.
I know.
How's it going, Dan? Still way out front in the race for last place? No.
Well, yeah.
But Jeff's out there right now fundraising.
Oh, ew.
You got something against kings? The guy's a right-wing creep.
So he's a little right-wing.
He's against recycling.
It can be a pain.
He wants to shut down Earth Day.
Well, if we have an Earth Day, we have to have one for all the other planets.
Dan? I need you to work Saturday.
Okay, sure.
It's Claire and Mike's engagement party.
Come on, Danno, man up.
You're my best bartender.
I have a date that night.
I also have a date that night.
Then you'll both have to work.
But you don't need us to work.
You'll work out another solution.
I'll work out another solution.
It only works with him about half the time, but when it does Mike, I don't like beer.
Really? Why can't you remember that? It's like not liking sunshine or the laughter of children.
BOB: Mikey! Hey, Bob.
Hey! Hey, this is my fiancée, Claire.
Nice.
Really looking forward to the big engagement party.
I hope there's mucho tequila, and we're going to get wasted! We're going to get so gunned! Yeah! Who was that? I told you, that's Bob.
Why is he coming to our party? He's a good buddy.
He's a great buddy.
His entire division bought computers off me.
I thought this was a party for family and friends.
I'm not inviting any of my clients.
Good, because they are a drag.
Thank you.
Hey.
Oh, you're early, buddy.
Oh, that is a nice, strong handshake.
I expected an older guy, not a lean mean fighting machine.
Oh, well, you look like you're in good shape too.
Oh, stop it.
See, I told you, Jeanette! This one is a charmer.
I guess we're a little bit early for a cooler.
You want a San Pellegrino? I don't know what that is.
Okay, so, let's talk.
Hey, um, do you want to go out Saturday night? No.
Why? Ah, it doesn't matter.
Okay, look, I'm not sure we're going to get the subdivision king to back us.
I need you to meet him and do a sales pitch.
Should we really be talking to this guy? I heard he's super conservative.
Maybe, but he's also gay.
The billboard guy? Nah, he's not gay.
He's a king.
Oh, he's gay.
When I told him he looked good, he said, "Thanks.
" Then he talked to his secretary.
Okay, I'm not telling the story well.
He offered me something to drink.
He's gay.
He's right-wing, so you get business people on your side.
But he's gay so you get the left wing too.
I was thinking more on a chicken.
What do you call that part? The chicken.
Okay, fuselage.
Anyway, you got to meet with him.
(Sighing) Look at this one of Uncle Tim.
Wow, he looks so young.
I never liked that guy.
So should I put it in the slideshow? It's your party, sugar.
Hey! Oh, what are you guys doing here? I was just showing them the pictures for the slideshow.
The slideshow? At the engagement party.
Really looking forward to it.
I am going to get so hammered.
I don't remember you mentioning anything about a slideshow.
Well, I did.
I know you're inviting a lot of clients but this is about family.
So we're doing a slideshow of our families.
That's a nice idea.
Wait a minute.
We're not putting any of Mike's clients in the slideshow? Well, this is more of a family thing.
They'll feel left out, dear.
I have a few photos of some clients.
Mike's making a great gesture, Claire.
You could meet him halfway.
Okay, a few photos.
Attagirl.
Hey, Mikey, any beer in the fridge? Always.
All right.
Hey, Brianna, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Is it about the gravy you forgot? No.
The ketchup? No, listen, this is a little weird, but I'm trying to get out of work Saturday night, Dan, are you asking me out on a date as an excuse? Yes.
Okay.
Really? Sure, why not? Great.
Because this new place just opened up.
Sure, Cuban or Italian it is.
Hey, Dan.
Um, you know Brianna.
Sure, how are you? Good, how are you? I'm good.
Good.
Great! Congratulations on your engagement.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I better get back to work.
It was good seeing you again.
And I'll see you on Saturday.
You're not coming to the engagement party? Oh, sorry.
No, I meant to RSVP but I've been busy, and it's more of a family thing anyway, right? Yeah.
Plus I have a previous commitment so And that's why we'd like your support.
Your eyes are very blue.
Are those contacts? No.
Really? Usually you can tell by looking at the edges.
Hm.
We'd be really excited to work with someone from your, um, community.
Montreal? I mean, I haven't lived there in years.
He means someone from Wessex, you know, this community of yours, now.
And who is successful, both as a business person and a General person, who's part of the community.
We're very open-minded.
Okay, well, you've given me a lot to think about.
But I got to cut this short.
Oh.
Hot yoga.
It's kicking my butt.
Mike and Claire's engagement party.
You guys will be there, right? Oh, uh-- Yes, absolutely.
I can't go to Claire's stag.
But we got to seal the deal with Steve.
I've got a date with Brianna.
We're going out for Cuban.
There's Cuban in Wessex? Well, maybe it's Italian.
Well, they got a lot of rum drinks.
Are you still worried about this right-wing thing? Because all that's cancelled out by the fact that he's gay.
If he's gay.
He said my eyes were blue.
That means he's not colour-blind.
Come to the engagement party and I'll prove it.
All right, all right.
You know, your eyes are very striking.
These are all real, baby.
Fern, I've changed my mind.
I can work Saturday.
I thought you had a date.
Oh, I broke it.
I realized people drink like fish at these things.
I am going to make so much money.
Right, right, listen, can I have the shift back? Oh, no.
No, wait.
I got a good excuse.
The reason I didn't want it in the first place was because I thought it would be awkward for me there with Claire and Mike.
But now I have a date with somebody else.
I'm moving on.
That's healthy.
That's good.
But I got to meet a guy to find out if he's gay, so that he can back my campaign, and he's going to be at the engagement party.
And the only way I can get out of the date without looking like an idiot is to work the shift.
And the good excuse? Good.
I went to Fern, said, "Give me my shift back.
" He said, no, he'd given it away.
Ah, but then I go to Charlie, turn up the charm, she folds.
You know, after I agreed to cut her in for half the tips.
And Brianna? What? Don't you have a date with her on Saturday? How did you handle that? Ow.
I'm sure it'll be masterful and another interesting story.
Oh, man, this is a drag.
I have something that will cheer you up.
(Banging loudly) You're right.
Those are annoying.
Fern needs me to work.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's just a fake date, right? Right.
You know, if you want, you could drop by, hang out with me.
Oh.
I have to think about it.
Why? Well, before, it was a pretend date to get out of work.
Right.
But if I come watch you work, then you're not getting out of anything.
No.
So that's a real date.
Yeah, I guess.
I have to think about it.
Mom! Dad! Hey, sugar plum.
Wow, place looks great.
Sorry we missed the slideshow.
We got stuck in traffic.
It hasn't started yet.
Oh.
Here, Claire.
I don't like beer.
Right! Ugh, sorry.
I remember our engagement party.
Your father threw my panties into the punch bowl.
Hey, Ed, we're doing tequila shots.
You in? Oh, yeah.
I'll come too.
Mike, could we do--? Shots, Claire, shots.
Hey, you okay? You should be happy, licking whipped cream off a stripper or something.
I thought you had a date.
Nah.
I'm happy.
Happy a stripper's not here with whipped cream on.
Don't I look happy? You look beautiful.
Congratulations.
Hey, Claire, congrats.
Jeff.
Don't worry.
I'm here to see Dan.
I'm not crashing.
No, no, I'm glad to have some friends around.
So many people are just here for business.
Mm-HM.
So there you two are.
Let's talk business.
Hey, it's my good friend Steve.
He's practically like family to Jeff.
Oh.
This guy.
Hi, everybody.
We've put together a little slideshow to get things going.
Mike, are you there? MIKE: Shotgun! (Men cheering) Oh, there he is.
Ahem, good, well let's get things started then.
(Cheering) (Men cheering) (Men cheering) Tequila, please.
Three of them.
(Inaudible dialogue) I'm just not getting the gay vibe off him.
You have the worst gaydar.
My gaydar's good.
Remember we were watching TV, and I said that guy was gay.
- Who? - Now I'm supposed to be good with names? Do you want this backer or not? (Inaudible dialogue) I need to know for sure.
Well, find a way to figure it out.
Hey, Steve.
Oh, hey.
How about a drink? Sure.
A Tom Collins or a beer? Tom Collins.
Ah! With a beer chaser.
Oh.
Yeah.
What happened? What do you mean, what happened? There wasn't a single picture of my grandmother.
Who cares? She's dead.
The other one.
Eleanor? There weren't a lot of pictures of her to choose from.
What did sugar plum do now? Forgot to put Mike's grandmother in the slideshow.
Ooh, sorry about that, Mike.
What does she drink? Look, it's okay.
I mean, Claire put a lot of work into this.
But it was great.
Lots of fun pictures.
Again, a little long.
But it was very classy.
Maybe next time you will.
Dad, did you think it was long? Hello.
Now there's some eye candy.
Which one? STEVE: Black shirt, right over there.
Hey, you know what you should do? You should go over there and talk to them.
Ah, it's probably too soon.
I just got out of a divorce.
You were married? Yeah.
Like, regular married? What do you mean by that? I mean legally.
Yeah, legally.
We had to do it in Vermont.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, Jesse's family's from there.
Oh.
Everyone, if I can I get your attention? Everyone I just want to thank Claire for all the work she put in to this party.
A little long.
Everyone has definitely made it into our hearts.
To Mike! And to Claire.
To Claire.
Which one's Claire? Did you talk to him? Yeah, but I'm still on the fence.
I mean, he says he listens to Gordon Lightfoot, and then he orders a drink with an umbrella.
It doesn't make any sense.
You guys talkin' about Steve? Yeah.
He's gay right? I don't know.
You want me to find out? Ah, thanks.
Hey, Steve! Yeah? You gay? Yeah.
He's gay.
Okay, can we take his money now? Fine.
I'll round him up.
Hey, you look like you could use one of these.
I don't like beer.
I know, vodka cooler.
- Yeah, you don't drink beer - You remember.
Since that house party in grade seven, right? Yeah.
As of today, that is the second worst party of my life.
Wow, Claire, what's the matter? I don't know.
I just-- We've got to move now.
Alan Duffy just showed up.
He's going to scoop this guy.
Scoop up who? We're here trying to get a big backer.
Oh, you're here doing business too.
No.
Well-- I won't keep you.
Sorry.
But we've got to go.
Are you coming? We've got to go right now.
(Inaudible dialogue) You know, hold him off.
I'll be right back.
Everything's gone wrong.
It's out of control.
What, the party? I've seen drunker people.
I mean, not often.
No, not just the party.
Everything's moving so fast.
And Mike never listens to me, and I'm living in this house and I don't know who I am anymore Oh, it's okay, Claire.
You've got a great life.
I'm jealous of you.
Yeah? And I wish I wasn't here.
I wish I wasn't here either.
Come on, I'm supposed to want to come to a party to celebrate the best thing that every happened to me marrying someone else? Best thing that ever happened to you? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, timeout, timeout.
We shouldn't-- I never could handle my vodka coolers.
Well, I really appreciate your support.
My pleasure.
And, seriously, let's do lunch sometime.
You know what? There's a new Venezuelan place.
It's got great rum drinks.
Oh, give me a minute.
Hey, Dan will be back in just a sec.
Jeff, my friend, I'm sorry.
I'm supporting Alan Duffy's campaign.
I think for me he's the better candidate.
Alan? Why? Alan Duffy's conservative? I don't get that vibe off him.
Oh, he's conservative.
I don't think so.
You guys talking about Alan? Yeah.
Jeff here is not sure Alan's conservative.
Yeah.
He's conservative.
Well, yeah.
So So What do we do now? Claire, check it out! Something that's on fire! It's blue.
Mike! Careful with that.
Blue.
Hi, Dan.
Brianna.
I figured if I didn't take you up I wouldn't have another shot at a fake date.
Dan, where were you? Really? He doesn't act like one.
Brianna, I'm sorry, can you give me a sec? Hey.
Well, looks like we're going.
Yeah, I guess I'm going on a date.
Okay.
Well Congratulations.
Yeah.
Okay! Ooh, Mikey's getting lucky.
So from now on, if I say someone is gay, you don't question it, all right? All right.
Hm, tastes blue.
Matches your eyes.