Dan Vs. (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

What is that? I thought it couldn't get any worse than those awful crickets! Man, I hate crickets! At least they're flammable.
How long has that been there? Bejabbers! I think Kitties are pretty I think puppies are nice.
Manfrangensen Animal Shelter.
Crunchy speaking.
Yeah! I-- wait.
- Did you say Crunchy? - That's my name.
Unbelievable, this jackanape.
Hey, jerk face! Shut those confounded dogs up! Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.
We're overloaded at the moment, and the animals are a little agitated.
Why is that my problem? I didn't ask you to build an animal jail across the street.
Shut your prisoners up, warden.
I'll try to calm them down.
You'd better.
That's it! ANIMAL SHELTER!!! Stupid animal shelter disturbing the peace.
I bet it's even a no-kill shelter.
Um, sir, we're closed.
Then why is the door unlocked? Listen up! I live across the street, and this barking is keeping me awake, so stop it already! Oh, you're the dude who called, right? And what of it? I'm sorry, sir.
I tried everything.
I tried feeding them, petting them, singing to them, beat poetry.
Have you tried just beating them? If that's a joke, sir, it is so not funny.
Then it's not a joke.
There's really nothing I can do, sir.
Here.
Have some complimentary earplugs.
I know it's only a small consolation, but-- Gimme! Don't make me come back here.
Next time, I'll be wearing shoes.
I've had it! If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
I've got to call Chris.
- Ah, come on.
- Hi.
It's Chris.
Leave a message.
How dare you let your machine pick up?! You are scum! You're worthless, spineless, rotten to the core! That's it! We are no longer friends! I hate you! We are done! If you ever try to speak to me again, I will literally strangle you! Come over when you get this.
It's Dan.
That's Chris' knock.
Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning.
- Uh - Finally! I came as soon as I got your message.
Hey, do I smell meat loaf? Got my message? Why was your phone off? Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.
This is not okay.
You never turn your phone off ever again.
- Promise me.
- So what do you need me for? Promise me! I promise.
Why am I here? Vengeance.
They built an animal shelter across the street.
- Another one? - What do you mean another one? Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in.
It's an historic landmark.
I'm sure we've talked about this before.
What was that? I wasn't listening.
Ah, what's the problem, Dan? Well, they won't let me sleep! Mm-hmm.
Who's that? Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts! But they'll get theirs.
Mm-hmm.
How? You'll distract the incompetent at the counter.
I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.
Wait.
Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals? I mean, kind of.
- No! - Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.
Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society! What if I just poison the guy who works there? That would be murder.
But it's for a good cause.
I can release the animals, and they can run free! I don't think that will sway the jury.
So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? Oh, no.
Dan, have I been poisoned? Dan? Have you been eating my poison meat loaf? Do you have more than one meat loaf? Who has more than one meat loaf? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.
I'm feeling pretty lightheaded.
Yeah.
You've been poisoned.
Seriously, you should sit down.
I think I'm going to faint.
Fall this way.
I'll catch you.
You really should have sat down.
Ah, what are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.
I want you to know you're paying for that meat loaf with your own money.
And the poison.
And busfare.
Hey, man, if you're not using that dead body for anything, can I have it? You may not! He's not dead! Don't you listen to that man.
You're not dead, pal.
Hang in there.
Only 12 more stops.
Hello, fair nurse.
I would like to check mine friend into yon hospital.
Does he have insurance? I'm sure he does.
He's one of "those.
" - With which carrier? - Oh, come on! This is my friend.
He's been poisoned.
You are a hospital.
Fix him, please.
Does he have any identification? Yes, I'm sure he does.
- I'll need his full name to-- - Aah! You and your endless bureaucracy! Sir, I just need his name.
Forget it.
I will take my business and my dying friend elsewhere.
There's got to be an easier way.
Maybe if you had wheels or something.
This guy's insurance plan is really good.
He'll get to see a real doctor, not the actor in a lab coat that most people see.
Come on, rookie.
Seriously, if this doesn't work, I'm leaving you.
I would never leave you.
Really? Are you with the hospital? Hey, buddy, you mind taking the next ambulance? Thanks.
I'm sure one will be here in a few minutes.
You'll be fine.
Hey, excuse me.
Where-- where are you-- what? Oh, yeah.
This is much easier.
Hey, what are you doing with our patient? He was trying to escape.
I stopped him.
Oh.
Thanks.
Looks like this guy's been poisoned.
Well, the chart says broken arm.
Someone should contact this guy's next of kin.
He doesn't look so good.
Oh, fine.
I'll call her.
Hello.
It's Dan.
I've got some good news and some bad news.
- Is Chris with you? - Chris isn't really with us anymore.
He's dead.
- What?! - Well, not dead, but poisoned.
Poisoned?! But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.
You're not making any sense! Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.
- Is Chris okay? - No, he's dead.
- I mean, no, he's not.
- Where are you? - I'm at a pay phone.
- And where is Chris? I don't know! They took him! Down the hall somewhere, I think.
Are you at the hospital? Of course! What have I been saying this whole time? I'll be there in five minutes, and I am not happy! Like I am? Say beep one more time.
Be serious! He still hasn't woken up! Oh, he's fine.
They said they got most of the poison out.
He's in a better place now.
Better place? He's in a hospital! This is pretty much the worst place you can be! - I would think shark tank.
- Dan! Well, whose fault is this anyway? - Yours! - No way.
Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask! You know Chris is on the see-food diet.
That's no excuse for monkey-wrenching my plans! Also, meat loaf isn't sea food.
Oh, see food! I get it! It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead.
Dying.
Poisoned.
Whatever.
He's fine.
I am going to get some tea.
Don't touch anything! Finally.
Do you want to tag along on my revenge? "Yes, I do.
" Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? "l don't know.
" Oh, come on.
We'll have a blast! "Well, all right.
Can I get a milk shake later?" Of course you can, buddy.
This is the third-most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Glad I made a copy of your car key.
Don't worry, buddy! I'll make you some airholes! You'll be okay, buddy.
"Well, hello there.
My name is Chris.
I would like to purchase these here items.
" My.
That's a lot of dynamite.
"l got some 'sploding to do.
Ha ha ha.
" Okay, that will be $3,700.
"Why, I do believe I'll pay with my credit card.
" Let me get that for you, buddy.
I'm going to need to see some l.
D.
with that.
"Why don't you ring yourself up a 30% tip!" Thank you, sir.
"And thanks for your help there, my good fellow!" Don't worry, buddy.
Your money didn't go to waste.
Thanks again for bankrolling my sweet, sweet revenge! Stupid homeless animals.
Uh-oh.
Looks like there's no room for you in the car.
"Hey, that's okay.
I don't mind.
Just stick me through the sunroof.
" You sure you don't mind? "l don't mind a bit, but can we stop for milk shakes now?" Let's get you that milk shake.
"Thanks, Dan.
You're the best.
" Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness.
Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milk shake for my friend here.
That's a plain burger, no cheese! I'm lactose-intolerant! You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground! That'll be $2.
98, sir.
Keep the change, pumpkin.
You're okay, buddy.
Ketchup, the one true condiment.
Here's your milk shake, slugger.
"Thanks, Dan.
You're my best friend.
" I know.
"l love you.
" I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable.
Thank goodness.
It's Elise.
I'll get it.
Yello.
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital! And you just assume it was me.
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car! Possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'll have you know.
Technically Chris is mine now.
Bring him back to the hospital this instant.
He needs medical care! Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time! Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine.
Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands.
I can drop him off when we're done.
Bring him back now, Dan! What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz! You're not even making the noises.
You're just saying crackle and buzz! Crackle! Buzz! Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions.
Oh, no! Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? I've got to get to my medicine! Come on! Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.
Medicine.
Need my medicine.
Man.
I need to vacuum.
Of course.
Stay here.
I'm going to run to the drugstore.
Oh, Chris.
Dan! You have three seconds to explain yourself! We got dynamite.
Okay, just don't jostle me or anything.
My guts are killing me.
Ohh! My guts.
Hello, floor.
You and I are going to be spending some time together.
Ah, yes! Great! More barking! There's the icing on my awfulness cake.
This'll shut your furry faces.
So long, you loud jerks.
Stop looking at me like that.
Bad kitty! Do you want to be my kitty? I'm going to call you Mumbles.
Let's go, Mr.
Mumbles.
Do you mind that I just changed your name to Mr.
Mumbles? Fine.
Mr.
Mumbles.
You waited for me? I love you, Mr.
Mumbles.
Okay, Mr.
Mumbles, cover your ears.
Three, two, one Not cool! Oh, harsh buzz, bro Oh, no, dude.
My locks! My locks! Holy Diver! What is-- Why, Mr.
Mumbles? Why? Are you kidding me? A firing range? Sir, the doctor's ready to see you now.
No, we did not purchase $4,000 worth of explosives.
Good day, sir.
Okay, let's get those pants off.
I'm here about my face being all scratched.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm not a doctor.