Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e05 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up.
Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! And then, Big Webfoot spotted the light of a distant campfire.
The hairy, hulking beast crept through the forest until he came to the clearing (both) Aah! I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the moth that seeks your porch light.
Oh, it's not Big Webfoot.
It's some jerk in a costume.
Not just any jerk.
I'm Darkwing Duck.
- The jerk's probably lost.
- I am not lost! - Say, is that a compass? - No, it's an outboard motor! - I thought you weren't lost.
- I'm not! I just wanna make sure the North Star is still north.
Yeah, that's it.
What do we get out of it? The satisfaction of helping a friend in need.
- Get real.
- Then how about a scary story? Ah It's about the time I ran into the vampire potato.
Ha-ha! Vampire potato! There's no such thing.
That's what I said! It happened not too long ago, right here.
the hideout of my archenemy.
Bushroot.
Never again will I be lonely! Never again will I be told, "I can't go out with you - you're just a shrub!" I found the way to obtain the perfect bride! I'm growing my own.
Spike! - Fertilizer.
- There.
- Fluoride.
- There.
Posey blossom.
- Uh-oh.
- Posey blossom? Oh! I got it! I got it! I got it! - Oops.
- Posey blossom! Posey blossom! Oh, this is just the thing for that feminine touch.
Why not? Spike! It's working! She's alive! Alive, I tell you! She's a potato.
This isn't posey blossom! It's potato spuds.
How could you do this to me? I can't marry a potato.
She's a tuber and I'm a shrub.
Oh, but they say opposites attract.
Maybe, if we really try, we can make it work.
Posey, will you marry me? - (growls) No.
- I'll take that as a yes! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! I made this gown out of lilac, especially for you, voluptuous one.
Hm, I wasn't expecting a bride larger than a size eight.
Allow me to carry you across the threshold, my buxom beauty! (grunting) No offense, Posey, but you've got to go on a diet.
I've arranged for every luxury.
Your own sprinkler system and a fertilizer supply.
(growls) Well, what do you want? Jewels? Furs? You're a potato.
(roars) OK, OK.
I'll run into the city and get you some presents.
You just wait here and I'll be back in a jiffy.
(growls) Meanwhile.
handsome.
debonair duck-about-town Drake Mallard was about to hear the most exciting news of his entire life! - Dad, the Muddlefoots are moving! - They are? Yes! The Muddlefoots are moving! The Muddlefoots are moving! Let me give you a hand, Herb.
You got a lot of stuff, but I'm sure we can fit it in, trust me.
So, where you moving to? Alaska? Maine? Mars? Real far, huh? Move? Oh, we'd never move away from you, Drakeroo.
We plan on living next door to you forever.
Ow! We're just going on a little camping trip, is all.
Oh, Herb, dear, don't forget the VCR.
Only Herb would bring his VCR on a camping trip.
VCR? Keen Gear! Here, can I come? Hop aboard, little lady.
- But I thought you hated camping? - I do! But I wanna catch Big Webfoot - the-million-year-old man-ape.
I'll be famous, you know.
Man-ape, ha! There's no such thing as a man-ape.
- Move! - Ah, then again Come on, Honk, let's go collar a big monkey.
Big Webfoot, ha-ha! At least I'll have some peace and quiet.
(TV) We interrupt your peace and quiet for a special news bulletin.
The herbivorous mutant research-scientist-turned-criminal.
Reginald Bushroot has been sighted robbing Fabric King.
What would a plant man want from a home shop? I don't know.
Which color would look better on my bride? The magenta, or the della Robbia blue? So, what does your bride look like? - She's a large potato.
- I'd go with the blue.
You'll need this to make your prison uniform, Bushroot.
Suck gas, evildoer.
Ah-ha! Gas has no effect on me! Take this, duck! Ew! Dandruff! He's a plant, LP.
That's pollen.
- Ah-ah-ahchoo! - Gesundheit.
- Ahchoo! - Gesundheit.
- (Darkwing) Ahchoo! - (Launchpad) No, geshundeit.
Hi-ho, Ivy - away! - He's getting away, DW.
- I can see that.
Make a left at the next corner.
It's a shortcut.
A shortcut, eh? A shortcut to the cemetery maybe.
Well, it would've worked - if they hadn't built this Hamburger Hippo here.
(overlapping singing) (engine sputters) - Oh! Looks like we broke down, Herb.
- Great! We'll camp here! I'll set up the tepee, you bust out the chips.
The soon-to-be-supermarket-tabloid-star surveys the wilderness for the Beast of the Year nominee - Big Webfoot! (evil laugh) So they want Big Webfoot, huh? (continues laughing) Honey, I'm home! The jewelry store was closed, but I brought you frozen yogurt.
Posey? Where are you, my love? (gasps) Oh, no! She's gone! Then I guess she can't get mad, can she? What am I saying? She's all I have! Come back to me, Posey! Where are you? Honker! Gosalyn? Where are you? - (rustling) - (laughs) Wait till they get a load of me! (laughs) (growls) Slow down, DW! I can't keep up! Bushroot's probably halfway into the country by now.
Hurry up! That is unless you know any more shortcuts.
A truck's coming! Maybe we can get a ride! That's not how you stop a truck.
You gotta be more assertive.
Watch.
Halt! - That worked real good, DW.
- You OK, city boy? Uh, you wouldn't happen to be heading to the country, would ya? Is yesterday's crawdad tomorrow's fry? Hop on in! There's frozen aliens back there in my truck.
Aliens? Really? Government stuff.
You ain't supposed to know.
Well, maybe you should just drop us off.
I likes company.
Gets lonesomer than a mud puppy out here.
After a while, you start seeing things.
(tires squeal) Ugh! There was a tater in the road bigger'n Jake's cow.
- Is that right? Potato, huh? - It looked like a russet, too.
- A-A-A russet.
- Yeah.
Red taters, you can reason with 'em.
But russets, why, they's just plain mean.
W-w-w-what are you do if you run into a russet? There's only one thing to do.
You gots to say tater backwards while shakin' the pollen off a Lycium nycanthropus plant.
I'll keep that in mind, Duane.
Uh, what's a Lycium nycanthropus plant? Well, how should I know? I'm just a good old country boy.
(man on TV) Channel 9 is proud to present tonight's cinema classic.
: "Vampire Varmints from Venus.
" You're just in time for the movie, Tank.
We interrupt tonight's cinema classic for a special news bulletin.
A vampire is loose in the countryside.
No one has seen the vampire.
but the victims can be recognized by the following symptoms Oh, dinner's ready, Tank! Your favorite instant mashed potatoes.
they have an insatiable craving for potatoes.
They appear to be in a trance-like state and do not speak.
Hm, this movie is kinda borin', isn't it, son? And they sprout potato-like roots from their heads.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Oh, Tank, dear, you need another haircut already.
Beware.
the vampire could be anywhere.
Oh, look, Herb, a giant potato.
(growls) Did you hear that? It sounds like Big Webfoot's right in your folks' camp.
Ok, Honk, when I say "go," you grab him and I'll get him with the net.
Oh, b-b-but maybe I should wait here while you g-g-o look at Ready? 1, 2, 3.
Go! Help! Uh-oh.
There's a diner coming up.
You can get out there.
But look out for the vampire.
- Oh, a vampire? - What's a vampire? Well, fellas, this is where you get off.
Hey, Hamburger Hippo! I don't believe it.
These things are everywhere.
You tell Moe Duane sent you, you hear? I'll tell him Duayne should be in the loony bin.
I hope we don't run into anymore Duane's at the diner.
Ya hear about there's a vampire runnin' loose? Oh, what's a vampire? Never seen one, but I heared they wears a black cape.
I never seen one neither.
But iffen I did, I'd run a stake right on straight through his heart directly.
Yeah.
- Excuse, me, gentlemen.
- It's the vampire! Wait! This is Darkwing Duck! Darkwing Duck's the vampire! No, no! I saw the vampire.
It's a potato as big as a Buick, and it's got the Muddlefoots.
That's crazy talk.
Why, Jake's prize tater ain't no bigger'n a Volkswagen.
What's a Muddlefoots? Pound the stake, Zeke.
- Wait! He's not a vampire! - How do we know that? Um, you can do a vampire test.
Yeah, a vampire test.
That's a great idea.
Well, I heared somewheres that vampires bounce.
Let 'er rip, Zack! Couldn't I just take a written exam? - Was that a bounce? - No.
Well, that's hard to say.
We better try another test.
Don't vampires hate flamin' red-hot chili peppers? (horn) Nobody can stand flamin' red-hot (train whistle blows/school bell rings) Fetch the stake, Zack.
(train whistle) Looks like Zack's a vampire too! Maybe you're goin' about this the wrong way.
Yeah, these aren't real vampire tests.
Got any better ideas, little missy? Well, in the Umpire of Vampire Empire, the vampire wouldn't burn when they set fire to him.
Gosalyn, whose side are you on? Zack, get the diesel fuel.
Kinda make you miss Duane, don't they? Duane? You know Duane? - We're like this.
- Well, why didn't you say so? Guess that let's him off the hook.
That's a shame.
I was looking forward to plunging that stake through his heart.
Hey! They's still a vampire out there! - Let's get it.
- Hee-haw! He's a vampire.
Let's get him.
Frozen aliens and now vampires! Has everybody gone crazy? But there is a vampire, only, it's a potato, and it's probably in those bushes now! - (rustling) - Aah! Just the wind.
Launchpad, go take a look.
Get going.
There are no vampire potatoes.
Scientists who turn themselves into plants, yes.
But vampire potatoes, that's ridiculous.
- Help! - But I saw it! It had fangs and tentacles.
Just like the vampire in Attack of the Vampire with Fangs and Tentacles.
- You've watched too many horror movies.
- What? Attack of the Vampire with Fangs and Tentacles is a classic.
Well, did you see any vampire potatoes? There, you see? Now, let's go visit the Muddlefoots so I can prove to you they're all right.
(growling) See? See, I told you.
(crunching) You see? They're wolfing down potato chips and staring at the TV like zombies.
- Perfectly normal for the Muddlefoots.
- But they're watching a test pattern.
Good! Maybe they can understand the plot.
But they've got roots growing out of their heads.
Binkie insists on buying that new-fangled herbal shampoo.
OK, how do you explain that? (gulps) There's a good explanation somewhere.
(growls) - Gosalyn, where are you going? - Do get something that'll stop a vampire! Oh, how about a shotgun? Suffer the might of Darkwing Duck! Ow! OK, then, suck gas, spud-face! (coughing) Gosalyn! Will you hurry up! Gosalyn! To ward away vampires, you have to find the things they fear most.
A potato peeler? Back, ghastly one, or I'll slash you into hash browns.
Obviously, that wasn't it.
Gosalyn! Maybe the Muddlefoots have a deep-fat fryer.
(gasps) My bride and my worst enemy together! Posey, how could you do this to me? I'll get that rotten Casanova duck for this! Let go of me! (horn blows) It's not so easy to catch Darkwing Duck when you're a big slow-moving potato, is it? Hey! (growling) Gosalyn, get me outta here! (mower chugging) Posey! Step aside, darling.
Bushroot, you're the last person I expected to rescue me.
You have stolen the heart of the woman I love.
I'm not gonna rescue you, I'm gonna mow you down! No, you've got She doesn't love me, we're just friends.
Hey! There's a gopher hole down here.
But you're gone, Duck! You're right! (hissing) Yikes! Knots to you! Try and catch me now, you starch-sucking snake in the ground! (grunts) I'll save you, Posey! Back, odious one, or I'll sauté you in garlic butter! Posey! Posey, are you OK? Please, please forgive me! - Now what kind of plant was that? - A Lycium nycanthropus.
- That's it! How did you know? - It's my scientific name.
Grab him, Gos! Otatop! Otatop! Ahchoo! - It's not working! - Otatop? Ahchoo! - What does that mean? - It's potato backwards.
(screams) I get it.
You don't say potato backwards, you say "Potato backwards"! (both) Potato backwards.
Ahchoo! Potato backwards.
Potato backwards.
Ahchoo! (whimpers) (high-pitched tone) Hey! I've seen this movie! DW? DW? (moaning) DW, I saw the vampire potato! It's in the bushes and it grabbed me! Forget it, LP, it's taken care of.
How did you know how to stop that thing, Darkwing? Huh? Knowing from the beginning that we were dealing with a vampire potato, I did some research on local country legends.
You expect me to believe that? OK, some crackpot named Duane told me.
I'm gonna get you, Darkwing Duck.
Now you'll pay for taking Posey away from me! Hey, fellers! Look, it's the vampire! Vampire? There's no such thing.
Well, we're just gonna see about that.
Zack, get the diesel fuel.
(Bushroot screaming) Come on, let's get him! Yee-haw! And that is how I saved St.
Canard from the vampire potato.
That was dumb! There's no such thing as a vampire potato.
Oh? They say if you listen carefully, you can still hear Posey howl at night.
(loud howl) (loud howl) # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!