Dating Rules From My Future Self (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Chapter Five: Be Yr Own Wingman
NEVER HAVE ALL OF MY GROCERIES.
COME ON.
- LIKE, WHAT? - HEY.
- WHO DIED? - OH, WHAT HAPPENED? THEY'RE BRENDAN'S.
WE MISSED THEM IN THE CLEANSE.
HOW DID WE MISS THEM IN THE CLEANSE? NO, THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I WAS DOING THE LAUNDRY.
AND THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH! ARE THOSE CRABS ON THOSE BOXERS? THEY'RE CUTE.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU WANT CRABS ON YOUR CROTCH? YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS? OKAY, HOW CAN I HELP YOU IF YOU WON'T LET GO? YOU CAN TRADE THEM IN FOR ANY OF THE HUNDREDS OF BOXERS IN AMANDA'S ROOM.
HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU THINK I'VE SLEPT WITH? - I DON'T KNOW.
- NOT HUNDREDS, BUT DOZENS? - SEVEN DOZEN? - THIS YEAR? WHA-- I HAVE BEEN WITH FOUR GUYS THIS YEAR.
I'VE ONLY SLEP WITH ONE GUY IN FOUR YEARS.
- OKAY, THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM.
- YOU NEED TO MEET PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOING OUT, IF ONLY FOR THE FREE DRINKS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? NO.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES! ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS ONE? - I DON'T KNOW.
- IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY POCKETS.
IT'S ALL LIKE SEXY, SEXY TIME.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS, I AM NOT SEXY, OKAY? NEITHER IS THE PHRASE SEXY, SEXY TIME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU ARE! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY ACTING CAREER.
CAREER? YOU CAN'T DRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU HAVE TO DRESS HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL.
I MEAN, YOU CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT TONIGHT.
OKAY, WELL, THEN, CAN I BE SOMEBODY WHO STAYS HOME ON THE COUCH AND WATCHES RERUNS OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" NO, BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M ANGELA, AND I SAY WE ARE GOING OUT! YEAH! OOH, I'LL GET IT.
YOU MIGHT WAN TO MOW THE LAWN IN THERE.
THE NEXT ONE'S EVEN SHORTER.
I DON'T WANT TO GO OU WITH OTHER GUYS.
HEY, SO I JUST GOOGLED IT, AND IT TURNS OUT THE LANDING STRIP IS STILL A CLASSIC.
SO GRAB THAT TRIM STYLER AND GET TO WORK IN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THIS ONE'S CALLED THE ARCTIC CIRCLE? HELLO, ESKIMO.
GET A LOOK.
- UH - THAT'S THE SAME DRESS.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I DO LIKE THIS ONE.
- OKAY, COOL.
- BABY STEPS.
- HMM.
- HEY, LOVE BIRDS! GUESS WHO JUST GOT A CALLBACK FOR A PART WITH ACTUAL DIALOGUE! AAH! YOU REALIZE THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ? IT'S AN INFOMERCIAL.
OH, THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.
NO, NO, I LOVE INFOMERCIALS.
THEY'RE LIKE COMFORT FOOD FOR INSOMNIACS.
BUT THE BUMMER THING IS THAT AUDITIONS ARE TONIGHT.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- I GOT THIS ONE.
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, UM NO, MY CRABS! YOU'RE MEAN.
OKAY, I'LL MAKE THIS EASY FOR YOU.
PICK A GUY, ANY GUY.
YEAH, I DON'T SEE MY TYPE HERE.
PROJECT-MANAGER DOUCHE BAG WHO CRITICIZES YOUR EVERY FLAW? I GUARANTEE YOU THERE'S ONE HERE SOMEWHERE.
OKAY, WHO LOOKS CUTE TO YOU? SO, ONCE YOU'VE CHOSEN YOUR VICTIM OKAY.
TRY TO SHOW HIM YOU'RE INTERESTED BY HOLDING HIS GAZE FIVE SECONDS LONGER THAN YOU'D LIKE TO.
12 -- - DON'T ACTUALLY COUNT.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST GO OVER THERE.
OH, NO, LUCY.
NOT THE PHONE.
WE BUMPED PHONES.
WELL, GREAT.
NOW THAT YOUR PHONE'S GOTTEN SOME ACTION, IT'S YOUR TURN.
WE'RE GETTING YOU LAID TONIGHT.
- NO, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
- YEAH, IT IS.
YOU NEED SOME SLEAZY BOOTY REBOUND SEX, SOME PALATE-CLEANSER SEX, SOME "YOU'RE IN THE FREEZER SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE PICKING OUT SORBET" SEX.
- NO, KELCEY, I'M NOT READY.
- I NEED MORE TIME.
NO, YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.
PROCRASTINATION IS JUST MAKING IT HARDER.
LUCY, FOR ONE NIGHT, JUST DON'T THINK.
DO IT.
LITERALLY.
DO YOU LIVE ALONE? I DON'T, BUT MY ROOMMATES ARE GONE.
YOUR PLACE IS NICE.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING! OH, MY GOD! - CRABS! - WHAT? NO, MY BOYFRIEND HAS THE SAME PAIR! BOYFRIEND? YEAH, EX-BOYFRIEND.
I JUST GOT OU OF A RELATIONSHIP.
AM I YOUR FIRST? YEAH, THE SHERBE OR WHATEVER.
- OKAY, YEAH, UM HEY, UH, LISTEN.
I'VE BEEN ON THE LOSING END OF SOME HORRIBLE BREAKUPS.
YOU KNOW, MOST DAYS YOU'RE FINE, BUT THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR EX, - AND YOU JUST FALL APART.
- YEAH.
LIKE AN EARRING, YOU KNOW? - YEAH.
- OR LIKE A BOOK - TOTALLY.
- A VIBRATOR, SEX TAPE YOU MADE WITH THE HOT NEIGHBORS.
GOD.
WELL, I CAN KIND OF SEE WHERE THAT RELATIONSHIP WENT WRONG.
- WHAT? - WELL, LISTEN, NEVER MIND.
LOOK, THE POINT IS MAYBE IT'S OUR SUBCONSCIOUS TELLING US WE'RE NOT READY TO MOVE ON YET.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST A STUPID PAIR OF BOXERS.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
I CAN TAKE 'EM OFF, TOO, IF THAT'S BETTER.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO?
COME ON.
- LIKE, WHAT? - HEY.
- WHO DIED? - OH, WHAT HAPPENED? THEY'RE BRENDAN'S.
WE MISSED THEM IN THE CLEANSE.
HOW DID WE MISS THEM IN THE CLEANSE? NO, THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I WAS DOING THE LAUNDRY.
AND THEY WERE IN THE HAMPER, AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH! ARE THOSE CRABS ON THOSE BOXERS? THEY'RE CUTE.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU WANT CRABS ON YOUR CROTCH? YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS? OKAY, HOW CAN I HELP YOU IF YOU WON'T LET GO? YOU CAN TRADE THEM IN FOR ANY OF THE HUNDREDS OF BOXERS IN AMANDA'S ROOM.
HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU THINK I'VE SLEPT WITH? - I DON'T KNOW.
- NOT HUNDREDS, BUT DOZENS? - SEVEN DOZEN? - THIS YEAR? WHA-- I HAVE BEEN WITH FOUR GUYS THIS YEAR.
I'VE ONLY SLEP WITH ONE GUY IN FOUR YEARS.
- OKAY, THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM.
- YOU NEED TO MEET PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOING OUT, IF ONLY FOR THE FREE DRINKS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? NO.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES! ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS ONE? - I DON'T KNOW.
- IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY POCKETS.
IT'S ALL LIKE SEXY, SEXY TIME.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS, I AM NOT SEXY, OKAY? NEITHER IS THE PHRASE SEXY, SEXY TIME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU ARE! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY ACTING CAREER.
CAREER? YOU CAN'T DRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU HAVE TO DRESS HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL.
I MEAN, YOU CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT TONIGHT.
OKAY, WELL, THEN, CAN I BE SOMEBODY WHO STAYS HOME ON THE COUCH AND WATCHES RERUNS OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" NO, BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M ANGELA, AND I SAY WE ARE GOING OUT! YEAH! OOH, I'LL GET IT.
YOU MIGHT WAN TO MOW THE LAWN IN THERE.
THE NEXT ONE'S EVEN SHORTER.
I DON'T WANT TO GO OU WITH OTHER GUYS.
HEY, SO I JUST GOOGLED IT, AND IT TURNS OUT THE LANDING STRIP IS STILL A CLASSIC.
SO GRAB THAT TRIM STYLER AND GET TO WORK IN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THIS ONE'S CALLED THE ARCTIC CIRCLE? HELLO, ESKIMO.
GET A LOOK.
- UH - THAT'S THE SAME DRESS.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I DO LIKE THIS ONE.
- OKAY, COOL.
- BABY STEPS.
- HMM.
- HEY, LOVE BIRDS! GUESS WHO JUST GOT A CALLBACK FOR A PART WITH ACTUAL DIALOGUE! AAH! YOU REALIZE THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ? IT'S AN INFOMERCIAL.
OH, THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.
NO, NO, I LOVE INFOMERCIALS.
THEY'RE LIKE COMFORT FOOD FOR INSOMNIACS.
BUT THE BUMMER THING IS THAT AUDITIONS ARE TONIGHT.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- I GOT THIS ONE.
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, UM NO, MY CRABS! YOU'RE MEAN.
OKAY, I'LL MAKE THIS EASY FOR YOU.
PICK A GUY, ANY GUY.
YEAH, I DON'T SEE MY TYPE HERE.
PROJECT-MANAGER DOUCHE BAG WHO CRITICIZES YOUR EVERY FLAW? I GUARANTEE YOU THERE'S ONE HERE SOMEWHERE.
OKAY, WHO LOOKS CUTE TO YOU? SO, ONCE YOU'VE CHOSEN YOUR VICTIM OKAY.
TRY TO SHOW HIM YOU'RE INTERESTED BY HOLDING HIS GAZE FIVE SECONDS LONGER THAN YOU'D LIKE TO.
12 -- - DON'T ACTUALLY COUNT.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST GO OVER THERE.
OH, NO, LUCY.
NOT THE PHONE.
WE BUMPED PHONES.
WELL, GREAT.
NOW THAT YOUR PHONE'S GOTTEN SOME ACTION, IT'S YOUR TURN.
WE'RE GETTING YOU LAID TONIGHT.
- NO, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
- YEAH, IT IS.
YOU NEED SOME SLEAZY BOOTY REBOUND SEX, SOME PALATE-CLEANSER SEX, SOME "YOU'RE IN THE FREEZER SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE PICKING OUT SORBET" SEX.
- NO, KELCEY, I'M NOT READY.
- I NEED MORE TIME.
NO, YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.
PROCRASTINATION IS JUST MAKING IT HARDER.
LUCY, FOR ONE NIGHT, JUST DON'T THINK.
DO IT.
LITERALLY.
DO YOU LIVE ALONE? I DON'T, BUT MY ROOMMATES ARE GONE.
YOUR PLACE IS NICE.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING! OH, MY GOD! - CRABS! - WHAT? NO, MY BOYFRIEND HAS THE SAME PAIR! BOYFRIEND? YEAH, EX-BOYFRIEND.
I JUST GOT OU OF A RELATIONSHIP.
AM I YOUR FIRST? YEAH, THE SHERBE OR WHATEVER.
- OKAY, YEAH, UM HEY, UH, LISTEN.
I'VE BEEN ON THE LOSING END OF SOME HORRIBLE BREAKUPS.
YOU KNOW, MOST DAYS YOU'RE FINE, BUT THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR EX, - AND YOU JUST FALL APART.
- YEAH.
LIKE AN EARRING, YOU KNOW? - YEAH.
- OR LIKE A BOOK - TOTALLY.
- A VIBRATOR, SEX TAPE YOU MADE WITH THE HOT NEIGHBORS.
GOD.
WELL, I CAN KIND OF SEE WHERE THAT RELATIONSHIP WENT WRONG.
- WHAT? - WELL, LISTEN, NEVER MIND.
LOOK, THE POINT IS MAYBE IT'S OUR SUBCONSCIOUS TELLING US WE'RE NOT READY TO MOVE ON YET.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST A STUPID PAIR OF BOXERS.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
I CAN TAKE 'EM OFF, TOO, IF THAT'S BETTER.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO?