Dead Set s01e05 Episode Script

No! No! GRUNTlNG - You won't make it.
- I have got to go.
We're gonna get to the nearest port, get the fuck out of Britain.
We can't.
They just keep coming.
Oh, fuck.
That's one of them, er, water door things.
- Pass me the peanut butter.
- What's the magic word?.
Fuck off.
- We need an escape plan.
- We haven't thought of that.
We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and drive straight through! - (Space) With what?.
- (Riq) Fuck.
They eat flesh, don't they, right?.
That's what they eat.
We'll give 'em some! - I'm so sorry.
- I know.
I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot! You should come help me with this.
It's not as bad as it looks.
Oh.
Got a live one.
Oh! SHOOTlNG Oi! I'm I'm a normal person! Coulda sworn this one said summat.
I'm normal! Heh! Says he's normal! SHOOTlNG - Don't fucking shoot, then! - Do ya mean?.
I'm a normal person! Riq.
Riq! - Riq! - Kelly?.
Riq! Who the fuck's Riq?.
Oh! Come on! Come on! Riq! MOANlNG LAUGHlNG Yes! - You stink! - Come here.
Ooh! What do you reckon?.
Gonna need more than this?.
CHUCKLlNG Oh! - It's so good to see you.
- Stink, do l?.
Do I stink?.
Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go.
What?.
Well, you came from somewhere.
There's places that it's safe, right?.
It's fucked out there.
- Yeah, but - It's completely fucked up.
Well, I mean, how far did you go?.
There's No, listen, this thing's global.
All right?.
It's not gonna be over in six days or six months.
All that old stuff is gone.
I mean, you came to take me away.
Baby, l I don't mean to interrupt anything yeah but .
.
an intro would be nice.
- This is Riq.
- You all right, man?.
Riq?.
My friends call me Space.
Space?.
Yeah.
I've seen you on the telly.
- Yeah?.
- Yeah.
No, he's lying.
He doesn't watch it.
Well, I've been catching up recently.
Believe.
Well, come on, then! LAUGHlNG A right touching romance we've got here.
- (Veronica) Who's he?.
- Everyone, this is Riq.
Fuck who he is.
How did he get here?.
Sorry?.
How did you get here?.
Helicopter?.
Magic Mole Machine?.
What?.
Nah, jumped over the fence round the back.
The fence?.
So, that's that's like a safe route, is it?.
Like fuck is it.
It's crawling with those things.
Riq's been outside so we should listen to what he says.
- What is he?.
A tour guide?.
- No, actually, he's my boyfriend.
Oh, right! Sorry.
So you've come here to save her.
How sweet.
- Aw, I like it.
- (Veronica) What's happening there?.
Basically it's a wasteland.
Right, so, how did you get here through this wasteland?.
Down the river.
The river?.
In a boat?.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Who are you?.
Tony Curtis.
Where is that boat now?.
It's downstream.
- Downstream?.
- Yeah, it floated off.
Right.
Fucking right.
So you didn't want to moor it up?.
Are you on some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?.
I was being fucking chased.
Oh.
Ho-ho.
Fucking boo-hoo.
Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here, the van is still our best bet, right?.
I have prepped the bait.
So, fucking vamoose, chop chop, let's go.
You're not in charge! Yeah, um, we're not going anywhere.
Look, if that Mary's made it, there's gonna be other survivors, OK?.
No! You'll spend all your time looking for somewhere half as secure as this.
You're not gonna find it, mate.
Yeah.
There's food here, solar panels, fortified fences.
- It just makes more sense.
- Don't confuse them with facts! - It's - There's nothing out there, mate.
Nothing.
For all we know, we're all there is.
Brilliant.
Thank you very much for the pep talk.
Very nice to meet you, Janice.
Right, we're going.
Come on.
Let's go.
We never decided.
Don't tell me you believe that tit-a-ma-boob.
He can't even tie up a boat for Christ's sake.
I was fucking chased! Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons! - I'm not going.
- Fine! Die here in cuckoo land.
How about you?.
- Stay.
- (Kelly) She's right.
- He can speak for himself.
- I'm staying.
Oh, grow some nuts.
Well, it's my decision, all right?.
All for one and that.
Who do you think you are?.
Love's young dream here in fucking cutie cottage?.
We're sticking together.
- She's stolen your heart, has she?.
- Yeah, something like that.
Oh, fucking wake up, Mutley.
She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, you chimpanzee.
No, I never, you fuckwit! You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there was a Heat cover in it.
- Who asked you?.
- You would if it got you somewhere.
Fucking stop! This is crazy! Look, Patrick, you're outvoted.
- We haven't all spoken.
- No, I'm staying.
You know this lot hate you.
- You know it's true.
- Look, who cares who said what?.
I mean, Patrick, none of that matters anymore.
- No-one's going anywhere.
- I bloody am.
You don't get it, do you?.
You just don't get it.
Get what?.
To leave you need to go through them gates.
You open the gates, they're gonna keep flooding in.
- (Space) And then we're all fucked.
- So?.
- So you have to stay! - No, I don't.
We have to! We have to.
Look, this is the only way it's gonna work.
Look, we need to be realistic, Patrick.
- "Na-na-na-na, na-na-nah.
" Fuck off.
- What the?.
See ya, losers! CHUCKLlNG - Get out my way.
Get away.
- Stop.
- Patrick.
- Get away.
Get away.
- Get away.
- Don't make me do this, Patrick.
Patrick, please don't force me to do this.
You're gonna have to shoot me in the back, darling.
SHOOTlNG AND SCREAM lNG Don't fucking test me.
- Got him.
- Hold him, hold him! Get off me, fucker.
GRUNTlNG AND THUD What a knob.
- (Riq) Is he always like this?.
- (Kelly) Yeah.
The keys.
(Veronica) Chuck him in there.
Tie him up good and tight.
And Space?.
Fucking gag him an' all.
Oh.
GROANlNG I'd have had him then if he'd not kicked me in the nuts.
GRUNTlNG MOANlNG GRUNTlNG PANTlNG I don't like him being in there.
I really need a wee.
It won't be for much longer.
We just need to talk some sense into him.
Good luck with that! I've worked for him, OK?.
He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed.
- You call that "a bit doodah"?.
- The man's a walking hazard.
Once he's off the boil, he's almost human.
He's just at his worst He'll level out.
Babes, babesyou can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?.
And he is well on the moon.
They're right.
GRUNTS GRUNTS CRASH! - What was that?.
- I'm not going.
I went last time.
I'll go.
Well, he can't have wiggled out.
I tied him up like a piglet.
Good, the fat fucking porker.
DOOR CREAKlNG GASPlNG Sorry, I'm going to have to DOOR SHUTS Patrick! Jesus! URlNATlNG GRUNTlNG I can't go if you're making that noise, can l?.
GRUNTlNG Thank you.
URlNATlNG FLUSHlNG TOlLE Can you breathe OK?.
If you start shouting, the gag goes straight back on again, OK?.
- OK?.
- OK.
PANTlNG GASPlNG GASPlNG Don't let them do this to me, please?.
You shouldn't have fought.
They're going to kill me.
- No-one is going to kill you.
- They will be working it out now.
He's tied up for now, so why don't we just What happens when he ain't?.
Soon as we turn our backs, he'll try to get out them gates and fuck us all over.
- So we keep him tied up.
- For how long?.
Riq says it's bad outside, yeah?.
We might be in here for keeps, yeah?.
Well, Looney Tunes ain't gonna stay tied up for keeps, is he?.
He'll get out somehow.
He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over for all of us.
- That's true.
- What are you trying to suggest?.
Why don't you just fucking come out and say it?.
All right.
All right.
There ain't much room for debate, Kelly.
It's extreme circumstances, innit?.
OK.
I've seen this, Joplin.
I've seen this hundreds of times.
Look, if you break from the group, the group breaks you.
- OK, the gag's going on.
- Just ask Ask yourself this.
When I've gone - when I'm out of the way - who's going to be the bottom of the pile?.
You will.
You're next.
They hate you.
They have told me time and time again in that Diary Room.
And what did they say?.
You're old, you're a pervert, you're pretentious, you stink the bog out, your clothes make you look like a cunt.
They have poured insults over you like buckets of cum.
Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?.
Hey?.
Gollum.
(Gollum.
) Yeah.
Yeah.
The crowds turn up holding signs that say "Gollum Out".
They'd love it.
You're a joke to them.
You're a liar.
Am l?.
You're talking fucking murder.
Come on! It's self-defence.
It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?.
We've got to act practically.
- We can't trust him.
- (Marky) It's him or us, yeah?.
You can't get much more practical than that.
(Marky) Just one shot to the back of the head.
(Veronica) No, no.
We'll use the axe.
I'm not wasting ammo.
All right.
Hey, Gollum's taking his time.
What's he doing - having a wank?.
"My precious.
" Oh, don't do that.
Gollum wanking! Let's take a vote, yeah?.
Like nominations.
It's all it is.
It's only a game show.
There's been enough killing.
Well, what do you propose we do?.
Cripple him.
Cripple him?.
Yeah, break his ankles - take a hammer to his feet.
(Marky) lt'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving.
We'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere.
I don't like it.
- Well, it's better than killing him.
- She's right.
What do you think, babe?.
Pretty hard to break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?.
You've got to crack it sideways, inwards.
Fine.
We could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel.
Turns the feet into dead plates.
He won't be able to operate the pedals in the van.
Where'd you learn that from, man?.
Saw Jack Bauer do it on the telly.
No.
That's not real life, is it?.
No.
If we do it, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery.
Look, have we agreed no killing, just the ankles?.
(Patrick) You're going to need a recount.
SCREAM lNG Get away from that now.
- Patrick! - Joplin, get her peashooter.
- You wanker! - We should've fucking killed him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You didn't, though, did you?.
- Give me the gun.
Give me the gun.
- (Space) Joplin, what you doing?.
Give me the gun.
You take that one.
SCREAMlNG AND SHOUTlNG SCREAMlNG Joplin, you fucker You don't fucking need her.
Just go! What you fucking doing?.
You don't need her.
- (Patrick) Fucking step back.
- What the fuck are you playing at?.
- Fuck off! Stay there.
- You don't need her.
Joplin, get the bait bowl and the keys.
- What do you need her for, huh?.
- (Kelly) Please! - Joplin, what you playing at, man?.
- l-I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
Just open the door.
- Fucking step back.
- (Pippa) Oh, my God! Stay back.
Deep breath.
Everyone say bye-bye! Bye-bye.
Get out, Joplin.
Bye-bye! (Kelly) Riq! SOBBlNG AND GASPlNG CLANGlNG SNARLlNG DOOR CLANKS SOBBlNG Kel.
Kel! Kelly, look at me.
Kelly, look at me.
Where the fuck are you going?.
I don't give a fuck.
Fuck off.
- Help me, please.
- Just put the fucking gun down.
- Fuck off.
- Joplin, you fucking Judas! Look, I'm really sorry, OK?.
All right, Desmond Tutu.
It's not the Guardian.
- Get in the fucking van.
- (Kelly) No, please! - Mate, have a look! - I'm not a fucking plumber.
- Back off.
- Just don't hurt her, then.
"Don't hurt her"?.
You fucking clumsy idiot, don't fucking GUNSHOT AND SCREAM lNG (Screaming) Riq! Riq! TYRES SCREECHlNG You fucking shot him.
You're crazy.
Joplin! Baby, baby! Fucking do something! Stay with me.
RATTLlNG Joplin, you fucking prick! Baby, baby.
(Sobbing) Stay with me, baby! Fuck! Baby.
Baby.
He's fucking dead! He's fucking dead! SCREAM lNG (Kelly) Riq! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you! - (Space) Pippa! - (Kelly) Fuck you! Pippa! Fuck you! What you doing?.
Fucking hell! Fuck you! GUN CLlCKlNG SNARLlNG Joplin, you spastic! Don't open the (Joplin) Ahh! FLESH TEARlNG Jesus! SCREAMlNG Fuck! - (Marky) They're coming in! - Fucking run.
No! Come on, come on! Oh, shit! Shit! ROARlNG AND SNARLlNG SCREAMlNG SNARLlNG, GROWLlNG, GRUNTlNG Fuck off! (Kelly) Close it.
Close the door.
FEROClOUS SNARLlNG Go on, fucking eat me, you fucking ugly git! Go on, you useless pieces of fuckingcattle.
(Space) Pippa! Pippa! Pippa Pippa! It's Space.
I'm in the gallery.
Where's Pips?.
(Kelly) Space! - Close the shutters! - What?.
- The shutters! Look for the button.
- Shutters, shutters.
Close it! ROARlNG AND HAM MERlNG SCREAM lNG SCREAM lNG Eat it.
Go on! Eat it all! I've got fucking bowels full of shit.
Eat it! SCREAM lNG SCREAM lNG FOOTSTEPS CLATTERlNG They're coming through the runs.
They're in the runs! They're in the runs! HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RUNNlNG We need weapons.
We need weapons! They're going to come through.
They're everywhere.
They're fucking everywhere.
Is this it?.
It it over?.
- Space! - Yeah.
Can you open the Diary Room door?.
Can you?.
What?.
Diary Room.
FEROClOUS SNARLlNG SCREAM lNG Ahh! SCREAM lNG FOOTSTEPS CLATTERlNG HAM MERlNG AND YELLlNG PANEL CREAKlNG - It's going to crack! - It's going to fucking crack! Space, it says 'D-Room'! The button! WALLS CREAKlNG FlSTS POUNDlNG GLASS SHATTERlNG SCREAM lNG Uh! FLESH TEARlNG Door's open, Kel! The door's open.
SCREAMlNG SCREAMlNG POUNDlNG Fuck off! Fuck off! CLOTH AND FLESH RlPPlNG SCREAMlNG (Kelly) Space, are you still there?.
I'm still here.
THUMPlNG Pippa?.
P-Pippa! (Kelly) How you doing?.
Not bad.
Pretty much surrounded here.
What about Veronica and Marky?.
No.
This makes you the winner .
.
of this year's Big Brother.
Space, I need you to open the door.
No way.
It's a full house out there.
I know, but I'm going to fight my way through - There's hundreds of them! - I'm going to get You're not listening! There's hundreds of them! Space, what did you say to me back at the gate?.
Seize the day and shit.
Come on.
I can do this.
All right.
All right.
Just say "when", yeah?.
- Wish me luck.
- I am.
OK.
Let me out of here.
SCREAM lNG EERlE MUSlC