Death Valley (2011) s01e05 Episode Script
Zombie Fights
We're on the floor.
Zombie sighting at a nursing home.
Thank you for getting here so quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Um, you sure there's not All zombies here? It was here just a minute ago.
- [Bleep.]
! - Aah! Aah! It's okay, ma'am.
Ma'am.
It's okay, ma'am.
It's all right.
It's all right.
He's dead now.
We killed him.
- It's okay.
- You killed my brother.
- Your what? - My brother Walter.
He came to visit, and you killed him! So why the hell was you screaming so [bleep.]
damn loud? Because I was excited to see him! Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill you! - Janice.
- I'm gonna kill you! You are an insolent jerk! You are an insolent jerk! Get the Move the [bleep.]
damn camera.
One year ago Vampire, werewolves, and zombies descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
Love is nasty 'cause it gets so rotten I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we're losing all control the buildings all turn to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us Okay, people, we had a zombie sighting at a nursing home today that left an 82-year-old man by the name of Walter Gilberg dead.
Now, it is not important who caused this death, which is why I don't mind saying it was John-John.
But we at the UTF take our successes and our failures as a team.
Is that clear? It'd be unfair to imply that Carla had anything to do with the death, since it was all John-John, who, while this investigation is under way, - will remain on desk duty.
- That sucks.
Did you get the zombie eventually? Okay, one out of two isn't bad.
We done with our chatter? Now, let's get out there and kill something.
Uh, captain, if Carla could use a partner today, I would love to ride along.
That's up to Carla.
I don't think that's such a good i-- Fantastic, I think a little shake-up might be good for everybody, kind of like they did with the judges on American Idol.
- Thanks, captain.
- Dismissed.
Look, I'm just gonna say this, and then I'll shut up.
We should be friends, right? Absolutely.
I mean, we're around the same age.
Maybe you're a couple of years older.
- Big deal.
- I'm 23.
Oh.
I thought you were older.
No, not like you look older, you just--you-- you seem older.
You--you have this look of authority about you.
But you--you actually look really young.
You're really pretty.
Thanks.
Do you have a boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend.
There was this guy that asked me out last week.
But I had to pick him up.
And when I got there, him and his buddy were lifting weights in their boxers.
And I just, whew-- We have a 115 on Ventura Boulevard at 12555 in progress.
Uh, officer Rinaldi-- I'm on my way.
It's when a fresh zombie is causing a disturbance in a public It's a zombie.
- Awesome.
- You calm down.
Oh, hey, captain.
I once spent 36 hours at my desk without a bathroom break.
You know how I did that? Willpower and lower-abdominal strength.
That's why, I take my shirt off, you might just confuse me with a barrel of snakes.
So what you looking for on the Internet here, my friend? Oh, I'm just checking my emails, captain.
Don't be ashamed.
Surfing the web's about the only way a desk jockey stays sane nowadays.
Captain, it's the zombie fights.
You know, it's like bum fights, but instead, they use zombies.
That sounds disgusting and completely debased.
- I'd like to see one.
- All right.
See? You know, a friend of mine shoots these.
Yeah, well, your friend's a sick man.
This is some kind of pornographic necrophilia.
It'd be no different than if a - Oh! Wow! - Oh! Captain, you see that? Wow! Now, do they call that guy ground beef because he looks like ground beef or because he turns his opponents into ground beef? Or does he just like ground beef? You know, that's a great question, captain.
Now, you see, I think the big guy's - gonna tear his head off.
- It's a bet.
Loser has to rub the other guy's shoulders.
Oh, I'm not down with that, captain.
You know, I just texted my buddy.
He says he's shooting a bunch more of these tonight.
Vamps have hijacked a lot of bloodmobiles lately, so we thought it'd be a good idea to make sure this one's headed back to the hospital.
Kind of remember that being my idea, but Really, Billy? I had a pretty good milkshake from Mickey D's earlier.
- Was that your idea, too? - Yeah.
Yeah, that was my idea.
Yeah, you're right.
That was your idea.
It was.
Ah, everything seems kosher here.
Yeah.
Still a good idea we checked it out, though.
Yeah, I said it was a good idea before.
Yeah, when you thought it was your idea.
Billy, do you feel like I don't compliment you enough, or I take you for granted or something? I don't know.
Maybe sometimes.
Well, if you feel that way, I apologize.
Thank you.
Hey, you notice anything weird going on? Like what? Well, they're not taking blood in, Stu.
They're taking blood out.
Jesus Christ, you're right.
Great job, Billy.
Billy I said, "Great job.
" Thanks, man.
Ah! - Seat belt.
- Ohh! Seat belt.
- Seat belt.
- That's gonna leave a mark.
Ohh! They're shooting! They're shooting.
Keep shooting! Oh! Ho! Attention, this is the UTF.
Wait.
Do they know what that means? Of course they know what that means.
Attention, this is the Undead Task Force.
We have you blocked in.
Exit the vehicle with your hands up.
Surrender the blood and your weapons.
We'll hand over the blood, but never our weapons.
I 100% refuse to negotiate with terrorists.
- Seems like you already are.
- I 100% am not.
Well, whatever, dude.
The ball's in your court.
Surrender your weapons, and we'll let you keep the blood.
I figure if we had their weapons, we could get the blood.
We are holding a nurse hostage.
We demand a clear path to the exit.
They're bluffing.
If they had a hostage, they'd have said so earlier.
We don't know that, Billy.
I'm very strict about this.
You cannot negotiate with the undead.
Or the dead.
All right, this looks like a good one.
Zombie Hilfiger versus Black Rudy.
I got to go with Black Rudy.
And I'll go with Zombie Hilfiger, polo shirt and all.
Done.
So that's a gentlemen's bet, right? Correct.
Loser has to wear his balls on the outside of his pants.
- That's a gentlemen's bet? - It is for me.
Aah! Man! Black Rudy's got some game! Yes, he does.
Looks like I better start unzipping.
Um, captain That's my dad, man.
Where is it? Who? Did you call about a zombie? Yeah.
Okay, then him.
Her.
It! Oh, um, I-I was, uh, starting to close up, and then I saw her at the, uh, contemporary casual section? Are you asking me or telling me? - Telling you? - Did you see anyone get bit? No.
No.
Uh, casuals are near the lingerie sec-- Yeah, I know.
I shop here.
Wow, 70% off.
You know, every time I buy irregular underwear, I always end up with one cheek hanging out.
That's a great story.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Uh, we're asking all customers to exit the store until further notice.
Ma'am? Can you hear me? Why isn't she turning around? Shh.
Turn around, ma'am.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Oh, my God.
No! Aah! Kirsten! Kirsten! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! What the [bleep.]
do you think you're doing? Jesus! Ma'am, you can come out now.
You sure you're up for this? Yeah, I'm sure.
Up to you.
I just can't imagine finding out my father was a zombie.
Zombie--man, I didn't even know he was freakin' dead.
When was the last time you saw him? I don't know.
When I was, like, 12.
- Walked out on you? - No.
I kicked his ass out for putting hands on my moms.
I had a bad situation with my father as well.
He used to travel a lot-- go to London.
I don't know why London, always London.
He'd bring me back argyle socks.
I'm a nudist.
I shave my body down to keep it real smooth.
I remember the first time I walked down to the beach, people were looking at me like I was this big, muscular baby-- The wind whistling against my skin.
But I got used to it, even came to enjoy it.
What I'm trying to say is that, you know, your father's a zombie.
I'm a nudist.
It's all the same thing sometimes.
I'll wait them out.
I have no problem playing that game.
Um, any idea how long this game might take? Why, you got a better plan? No, I just, uh-- I got to go pee, that's all.
Yeah, I hear that.
I probably should have gone at the station, but then I had to make a phone call.
And, uh, I didn't want the other person to hear me.
"What are you doing?" "I'm holding my penis.
" - It's a whole thing.
- Jesus.
- Could put him on mute.
- Quiet, you guys.
Let me think.
In this corner Ravashing Roddy! It's just one big masquerade for these people.
In the other corner The Crusher! Guy's got a hammer for a hand.
That's a what? That's a sledgehammer for a hand.
They attached a sledgehammer to his forearm.
They can do that? They cut his hand off.
I guess so.
Keep your mouth closed.
You don't want any of that zombie juice in your mouth.
Copy that, captain.
Ooh! And top hat is down for the count! Another win for the Crusher! On the count of three, I want you to throw the keys to the bloodmobile over to us.
Wait.
Do they know where we are? Of course they know where we are.
We're by the police car, by the entrance-- the service entrance.
You know that.
But my partner--never mind.
On the count of three, throw the keys.
OneTwo Three.
Aah! Oh! Holy ball paste! They did have a hostage! You all right? You take care of the hostage! I'll call it in.
We got a stolen bloodmobile going was on Addi-- Just hang on, all right? We got a stolen bloodmobile going west on Addison from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
Repeat--we got a stolen bloodmobile going west on Addison from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
Oh, I am seriously gonna piss my pants.
- Go to the bathroom! - I-- You are a grown man! Go find a place and go to the bathroom! - Don't watch me.
- Why--why would I watch you? I swear to God, I'm gonna shoot him.
My daughter knows when to go to the bathroom.
She's five! In our next bout, in this corner, Black Rudy! Hey, captain.
That's my dad right there, man.
And in the other corner, Rudy! You sure you want to do this? Yeah.
I'm good, captain.
I'm all right.
All right, that's enough, captain.
Okay, people, UTF! Nothing to see here.
Okay, [bleep.]
-holes, time to pack it in! You guys are a bunch of despicable bottom-feeders.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, deriving pleasure from other people's misery.
I wish nothing but bad things on all of you.
Drive safe! Walk away, John-John.
John-John! Walk away.
I got this.
It's okay.
Yeah, I thought I still smelled [bleep.]
-hole.
Let's go! Out of here, now! So how drunk am I gonna have to get you before you talk about what happened today? You know I don't drink, captain.
Yeah, me neither, to be honest.
I medicate in other ways-- Diet, fresh kale.
Other times I like to regulate the semen content of my body.
- Want to know how I do that? - No.
I get into a deep sumo squat So I just got word from Dashell.
Mm-hmm.
They found the bloodmobile, but not the vamps.
That's okay.
We did good work today.
Wow, this is awesome.
What kind of beer is it? I don't know.
It's just whatever beer they had on tap.
Wow, it's really good.
You did a great job.
Good call on the beers.
- Stu - Yeah? - You can stop with that.
- Right.
I just want you to know that I value your place in this relationship.
I know that, partner.
I know you do.
You entered a combat area without proper backup.
- A combat area? - Yeah, the stockroom.
You endangered yourself and a civilian by using hand-to-hand combat instead of your gun.
And I don't know, you thought I was old.
Not old.
I said older.
And I said you were really pretty.
You know what? To be totally honest with you, I feel like you've had it out for me since day one.
And maybe it was something I said, or, I don't know, maybe you're just one of those women - who doesn't like other women.
- That is not true.
You ladies want to play a little pool? No.
Testy.
How about you, sissy-cans? You guys want to get your asses kicked over at the pool table.
- I'm in.
- Good man.
Not me.
I got to go home.
Get up with the kids.
Don't forget to wear your dress.
Well, I need to use el baño, which could be a potential combat area, so I might need some backup, if you want to join.
No, thanks.
- All right.
- Good luck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up, Jules? Good night, guys.
Home sweet home.
Okay, well, here is where I say good night.
You want me to come in for a cup of coffee? Look, John-John, what happened tonight is very sad, but you gotta move on.
I'm your father now.
- What'ya say? - You need a shoulder to cry on, I got 2 big ones right here.
You want to lay that weary head on someone's lap, you look no further.
- I think I'm just gonna go to bed, captain.
- You do that.
But maybe treat yourself first.
Run a bath, light some candles, throw on some lady gaga and dance like nobody's looking.
I think I'm gonna go straight to bed.
I'm pretty tired.
Good night, captain.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
I had a great time tonight.
Good night.
Guys like to swim in a row, but not a pool.
Eat it.
Zombie sighting at a nursing home.
Thank you for getting here so quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Um, you sure there's not All zombies here? It was here just a minute ago.
- [Bleep.]
! - Aah! Aah! It's okay, ma'am.
Ma'am.
It's okay, ma'am.
It's all right.
It's all right.
He's dead now.
We killed him.
- It's okay.
- You killed my brother.
- Your what? - My brother Walter.
He came to visit, and you killed him! So why the hell was you screaming so [bleep.]
damn loud? Because I was excited to see him! Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill you! - Janice.
- I'm gonna kill you! You are an insolent jerk! You are an insolent jerk! Get the Move the [bleep.]
damn camera.
One year ago Vampire, werewolves, and zombies descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
Love is nasty 'cause it gets so rotten I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we're losing all control the buildings all turn to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us Okay, people, we had a zombie sighting at a nursing home today that left an 82-year-old man by the name of Walter Gilberg dead.
Now, it is not important who caused this death, which is why I don't mind saying it was John-John.
But we at the UTF take our successes and our failures as a team.
Is that clear? It'd be unfair to imply that Carla had anything to do with the death, since it was all John-John, who, while this investigation is under way, - will remain on desk duty.
- That sucks.
Did you get the zombie eventually? Okay, one out of two isn't bad.
We done with our chatter? Now, let's get out there and kill something.
Uh, captain, if Carla could use a partner today, I would love to ride along.
That's up to Carla.
I don't think that's such a good i-- Fantastic, I think a little shake-up might be good for everybody, kind of like they did with the judges on American Idol.
- Thanks, captain.
- Dismissed.
Look, I'm just gonna say this, and then I'll shut up.
We should be friends, right? Absolutely.
I mean, we're around the same age.
Maybe you're a couple of years older.
- Big deal.
- I'm 23.
Oh.
I thought you were older.
No, not like you look older, you just--you-- you seem older.
You--you have this look of authority about you.
But you--you actually look really young.
You're really pretty.
Thanks.
Do you have a boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend.
There was this guy that asked me out last week.
But I had to pick him up.
And when I got there, him and his buddy were lifting weights in their boxers.
And I just, whew-- We have a 115 on Ventura Boulevard at 12555 in progress.
Uh, officer Rinaldi-- I'm on my way.
It's when a fresh zombie is causing a disturbance in a public It's a zombie.
- Awesome.
- You calm down.
Oh, hey, captain.
I once spent 36 hours at my desk without a bathroom break.
You know how I did that? Willpower and lower-abdominal strength.
That's why, I take my shirt off, you might just confuse me with a barrel of snakes.
So what you looking for on the Internet here, my friend? Oh, I'm just checking my emails, captain.
Don't be ashamed.
Surfing the web's about the only way a desk jockey stays sane nowadays.
Captain, it's the zombie fights.
You know, it's like bum fights, but instead, they use zombies.
That sounds disgusting and completely debased.
- I'd like to see one.
- All right.
See? You know, a friend of mine shoots these.
Yeah, well, your friend's a sick man.
This is some kind of pornographic necrophilia.
It'd be no different than if a - Oh! Wow! - Oh! Captain, you see that? Wow! Now, do they call that guy ground beef because he looks like ground beef or because he turns his opponents into ground beef? Or does he just like ground beef? You know, that's a great question, captain.
Now, you see, I think the big guy's - gonna tear his head off.
- It's a bet.
Loser has to rub the other guy's shoulders.
Oh, I'm not down with that, captain.
You know, I just texted my buddy.
He says he's shooting a bunch more of these tonight.
Vamps have hijacked a lot of bloodmobiles lately, so we thought it'd be a good idea to make sure this one's headed back to the hospital.
Kind of remember that being my idea, but Really, Billy? I had a pretty good milkshake from Mickey D's earlier.
- Was that your idea, too? - Yeah.
Yeah, that was my idea.
Yeah, you're right.
That was your idea.
It was.
Ah, everything seems kosher here.
Yeah.
Still a good idea we checked it out, though.
Yeah, I said it was a good idea before.
Yeah, when you thought it was your idea.
Billy, do you feel like I don't compliment you enough, or I take you for granted or something? I don't know.
Maybe sometimes.
Well, if you feel that way, I apologize.
Thank you.
Hey, you notice anything weird going on? Like what? Well, they're not taking blood in, Stu.
They're taking blood out.
Jesus Christ, you're right.
Great job, Billy.
Billy I said, "Great job.
" Thanks, man.
Ah! - Seat belt.
- Ohh! Seat belt.
- Seat belt.
- That's gonna leave a mark.
Ohh! They're shooting! They're shooting.
Keep shooting! Oh! Ho! Attention, this is the UTF.
Wait.
Do they know what that means? Of course they know what that means.
Attention, this is the Undead Task Force.
We have you blocked in.
Exit the vehicle with your hands up.
Surrender the blood and your weapons.
We'll hand over the blood, but never our weapons.
I 100% refuse to negotiate with terrorists.
- Seems like you already are.
- I 100% am not.
Well, whatever, dude.
The ball's in your court.
Surrender your weapons, and we'll let you keep the blood.
I figure if we had their weapons, we could get the blood.
We are holding a nurse hostage.
We demand a clear path to the exit.
They're bluffing.
If they had a hostage, they'd have said so earlier.
We don't know that, Billy.
I'm very strict about this.
You cannot negotiate with the undead.
Or the dead.
All right, this looks like a good one.
Zombie Hilfiger versus Black Rudy.
I got to go with Black Rudy.
And I'll go with Zombie Hilfiger, polo shirt and all.
Done.
So that's a gentlemen's bet, right? Correct.
Loser has to wear his balls on the outside of his pants.
- That's a gentlemen's bet? - It is for me.
Aah! Man! Black Rudy's got some game! Yes, he does.
Looks like I better start unzipping.
Um, captain That's my dad, man.
Where is it? Who? Did you call about a zombie? Yeah.
Okay, then him.
Her.
It! Oh, um, I-I was, uh, starting to close up, and then I saw her at the, uh, contemporary casual section? Are you asking me or telling me? - Telling you? - Did you see anyone get bit? No.
No.
Uh, casuals are near the lingerie sec-- Yeah, I know.
I shop here.
Wow, 70% off.
You know, every time I buy irregular underwear, I always end up with one cheek hanging out.
That's a great story.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Uh, we're asking all customers to exit the store until further notice.
Ma'am? Can you hear me? Why isn't she turning around? Shh.
Turn around, ma'am.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Oh, my God.
No! Aah! Kirsten! Kirsten! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! What the [bleep.]
do you think you're doing? Jesus! Ma'am, you can come out now.
You sure you're up for this? Yeah, I'm sure.
Up to you.
I just can't imagine finding out my father was a zombie.
Zombie--man, I didn't even know he was freakin' dead.
When was the last time you saw him? I don't know.
When I was, like, 12.
- Walked out on you? - No.
I kicked his ass out for putting hands on my moms.
I had a bad situation with my father as well.
He used to travel a lot-- go to London.
I don't know why London, always London.
He'd bring me back argyle socks.
I'm a nudist.
I shave my body down to keep it real smooth.
I remember the first time I walked down to the beach, people were looking at me like I was this big, muscular baby-- The wind whistling against my skin.
But I got used to it, even came to enjoy it.
What I'm trying to say is that, you know, your father's a zombie.
I'm a nudist.
It's all the same thing sometimes.
I'll wait them out.
I have no problem playing that game.
Um, any idea how long this game might take? Why, you got a better plan? No, I just, uh-- I got to go pee, that's all.
Yeah, I hear that.
I probably should have gone at the station, but then I had to make a phone call.
And, uh, I didn't want the other person to hear me.
"What are you doing?" "I'm holding my penis.
" - It's a whole thing.
- Jesus.
- Could put him on mute.
- Quiet, you guys.
Let me think.
In this corner Ravashing Roddy! It's just one big masquerade for these people.
In the other corner The Crusher! Guy's got a hammer for a hand.
That's a what? That's a sledgehammer for a hand.
They attached a sledgehammer to his forearm.
They can do that? They cut his hand off.
I guess so.
Keep your mouth closed.
You don't want any of that zombie juice in your mouth.
Copy that, captain.
Ooh! And top hat is down for the count! Another win for the Crusher! On the count of three, I want you to throw the keys to the bloodmobile over to us.
Wait.
Do they know where we are? Of course they know where we are.
We're by the police car, by the entrance-- the service entrance.
You know that.
But my partner--never mind.
On the count of three, throw the keys.
OneTwo Three.
Aah! Oh! Holy ball paste! They did have a hostage! You all right? You take care of the hostage! I'll call it in.
We got a stolen bloodmobile going was on Addi-- Just hang on, all right? We got a stolen bloodmobile going west on Addison from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
Repeat--we got a stolen bloodmobile going west on Addison from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
Oh, I am seriously gonna piss my pants.
- Go to the bathroom! - I-- You are a grown man! Go find a place and go to the bathroom! - Don't watch me.
- Why--why would I watch you? I swear to God, I'm gonna shoot him.
My daughter knows when to go to the bathroom.
She's five! In our next bout, in this corner, Black Rudy! Hey, captain.
That's my dad right there, man.
And in the other corner, Rudy! You sure you want to do this? Yeah.
I'm good, captain.
I'm all right.
All right, that's enough, captain.
Okay, people, UTF! Nothing to see here.
Okay, [bleep.]
-holes, time to pack it in! You guys are a bunch of despicable bottom-feeders.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, deriving pleasure from other people's misery.
I wish nothing but bad things on all of you.
Drive safe! Walk away, John-John.
John-John! Walk away.
I got this.
It's okay.
Yeah, I thought I still smelled [bleep.]
-hole.
Let's go! Out of here, now! So how drunk am I gonna have to get you before you talk about what happened today? You know I don't drink, captain.
Yeah, me neither, to be honest.
I medicate in other ways-- Diet, fresh kale.
Other times I like to regulate the semen content of my body.
- Want to know how I do that? - No.
I get into a deep sumo squat So I just got word from Dashell.
Mm-hmm.
They found the bloodmobile, but not the vamps.
That's okay.
We did good work today.
Wow, this is awesome.
What kind of beer is it? I don't know.
It's just whatever beer they had on tap.
Wow, it's really good.
You did a great job.
Good call on the beers.
- Stu - Yeah? - You can stop with that.
- Right.
I just want you to know that I value your place in this relationship.
I know that, partner.
I know you do.
You entered a combat area without proper backup.
- A combat area? - Yeah, the stockroom.
You endangered yourself and a civilian by using hand-to-hand combat instead of your gun.
And I don't know, you thought I was old.
Not old.
I said older.
And I said you were really pretty.
You know what? To be totally honest with you, I feel like you've had it out for me since day one.
And maybe it was something I said, or, I don't know, maybe you're just one of those women - who doesn't like other women.
- That is not true.
You ladies want to play a little pool? No.
Testy.
How about you, sissy-cans? You guys want to get your asses kicked over at the pool table.
- I'm in.
- Good man.
Not me.
I got to go home.
Get up with the kids.
Don't forget to wear your dress.
Well, I need to use el baño, which could be a potential combat area, so I might need some backup, if you want to join.
No, thanks.
- All right.
- Good luck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up, Jules? Good night, guys.
Home sweet home.
Okay, well, here is where I say good night.
You want me to come in for a cup of coffee? Look, John-John, what happened tonight is very sad, but you gotta move on.
I'm your father now.
- What'ya say? - You need a shoulder to cry on, I got 2 big ones right here.
You want to lay that weary head on someone's lap, you look no further.
- I think I'm just gonna go to bed, captain.
- You do that.
But maybe treat yourself first.
Run a bath, light some candles, throw on some lady gaga and dance like nobody's looking.
I think I'm gonna go straight to bed.
I'm pretty tired.
Good night, captain.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
I had a great time tonight.
Good night.
Guys like to swim in a row, but not a pool.
Eat it.