Desmonds (1989) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hah! - Father, I can't read the paper - You can't read? After all the education I give you my son, the bank manager, can't read.
- How many A-levels did you get? - All right.
All right.
It's just that one is supposed to read quietly.
You can read this, can you? The Voice.
Well, I'm gonna read it with my voice.
Er, what's your paper called? There goes my street cred.
- Lee again.
What was his patter? - Yeah.
14.
99, so exclusive I haven't even bought one.
Typical.
Well, what d'you think? I think I'm gonna change before I go out.
- I think we look like one, big family.
- Uh-uh.
No.
Listen to this.
"Last night, Councillor Clark Gregory "was elected the youngest-ever black Labour councillor.
"When asked the reason for this historic success, "the councillor said," Today, Peckham, "'tomorrow, leadership of the Labour Party.
"' Hah.
Black man stupid, uh? Listen to you.
It's no wonder black people never get anywhere.
We never encourage ambition.
We're too busy cursing each other.
- Mum, give us a hand with my hair.
- OK.
Michael, I'm thinking of getting a loan from the bank.
- What for this time? - To build me house back home.
Father, to be honest, I don't think the bank would even entertain it.
What if you died tomorrow? How would the bank get its money back? Hear that, Shirley? Your son don't care if I was to drop down dead tomorrow.
I never said that.
All he's concerned about is the bank getting its money back.
Well, he got a point.
How would the bank get their money back? What? All right, I'll tell you.
I'll take out a big insurance policy, build me house back home, throw meself under a bus.
You pay off the bank, you get a huge lump sum, I'm dead and everybody's happy.
Dad, you don't have to take it like that.
It's just that you're not a sound investment.
All right.
What's his name? "Councillor Clark Gregory.
" Me daughter going out with someone in the paper? Uh-huh.
Only he doesn't know it yet.
But tonight's gonna be his lucky night if I have my wicked way.
- Have you met him? - Yeah.
I see him down the Young Socialists' Club.
I know he fancies me.
Ooh, tonight he'll be celebrating his victory and I'll be celebrating mine.
Well, dressed like that, he don't stand a chance.
Though I must say, I wouldn't go to all that bother for any man.
First of all, they never notice.
And by the time they had two or three drinks, they don't really care.
- Thanks for the encouragement.
- Oh, don't misunderstand me, darling.
But listen.
Get dressed up for yourself.
Not for any man.
Mm, but I bet you dressed up for Dad when you were courting.
Oh, your father and his friends were the sharpest, baddest dressers in town.
When they walk by people used to say, "Here comes Jazzy D, Sweetsticks and Super P.
" - What's Super P? - Porkpie.
Porkpie was a snazzy dresser? Well, he did have some nice hats.
But it was your father and Sweetsticks that used to cut the style.
Let me look at you.
That's better.
You look lovely.
Go and put on a proper skirt before you catch a cold.
- This is a proper skirt.
- It's too short.
That's why it's called a miniskirt, Dad.
You're gonna get all types of men following you around, dressed like that.
I'm not wearing it for all types of men.
I'm wearing it for me.
But they don't know that.
Oh, it's the fashion, Dad.
- You look good, sis.
- Me know.
Oh, come on, Dad, I'm sure you used to be into fashion when you were young.
Not only was he into fashion, he was Mr Fashion.
- How did you know that? - Mr Fashion? Your secret's safe with me, Jazzy D.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll get it.
Yeah, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You don't know me.
My name's Amy.
- Er come in.
- Thank you.
You must be Desmond.
- Garcia told me a lot about you.
- Garcia? - Sweetsticks.
- Sweetsticks? That little crook is still alive? No.
He's dead.
Dead? That's what I've come to tell you.
The funeral is on Monday.
And he asked me to give you this.
He said to tell you, "Let bygones be bygones?" I let bygones be bygones a long time ago.
When I waved him goodbye and he gone off with my money.
Your money? Is that all you can think about? Listen I'm sorry.
Sit down.
How did he die? With a smile on his face, bless him.
We were in bed together when it happened.
Only Sweetsticks could die like that! No, no, it wasn't like that.
We were having breakfast in bed to celebrate his 55th birthday.
55? He was more like 75.
Really? Would you like to come upstairs and have a drink with me and the missus? No, no.
I don't want to disturb you.
- I'll see you at the funeral, then? - Er Y - Good night.
- Good night.
Dirty old man.
Thanks, Mum.
Who was that? What's wrong? Sweetsticks is wrong.
He's dead.
"Dear Jazzy D and Sexy Legs "As you can see, me dead.
"When the doctor told me that me heart getting weak, "I did think to myself, 'Sweetsticks, you can either take this news lying down "'or you can carry on the way you've always done and go out with a bang.
' "I decided to do both.
"I'm going to take it lying down with Amy and go out with a bang.
"I know things between me and you have not been the same "since I borrowed your money.
" Borrowed? He stole it! "All right, stole it.
"But, Jazzy D, I was desperate.
"I've left my gold pan-sticks as a way of paying you back.
"I hope you will forgive.
"I know I should have returned the money and kept in touch.
"Jazzy D, let's bury the hatchet.
"I would like you to say a few kind words for me at the funeral "since you is my oldest friend "and enemy.
"It's a pity me never get to meet Gloria and Sean.
"If they look like Michael, then they must look like little angels.
"Anyway, see you in the life beyond.
"It will probably be hell because me hear that the harpist in heaven is not too cool "and I hear calypso hasn't reached heaven yet.
"But me hear that Satan is a wicked sax player.
"See you there.
And don't forget to bring your trumpet.
"Give Sexy Legs a kiss for me.
Sweetsticks.
"PS, tell Porkpie I'm sorry about the £100.
" Sweetsticks sounds dread.
I wish I had met him.
Hm.
Sweetsticks, in his day, was the hottest pan player around.
I gonna miss him.
All I gonna miss is the money he stole from me.
Desmond, he was one of your best friends.
We all grew up together.
Of course I gonna miss him.
- What are you gonna say at the funeral? - Funeral? Who said I gonna say anything at the funeral? Not you, too, my old friend.
Don't tell me, Lee, 14.
99 and so exclusive he hasn't even got one.
How did you guess? Is nice, eh? What you doing here? You doing exercise now? Who, me? Exercise? You must be mad.
You know, I have a theory about joggers.
The men don't like their wives and the women joggers are secretaries.
They jog to practise, so when the men run off with the secretaries, their wives can't catch them.
Sweetsticks is dead.
Good.
He was a no-good, selfish, womanising, two-timing, money-grabbing Did your mother never tell you to speak good about the dead? She did.
He's dead? Good.
You sure he dead? You know what he's like.
This might be another one of his schemes to get out from paying for his own funeral.
No, he's dead.
He was all right, really.
It was just that he was a liar and a cheat.
- Apart from that, you could trust him.
- Trust him? Yeah, you could trust him to lie and trust him to cheat.
Why, the trouble he used to get us into.
Remember that gig in that hotel in '62? We thought we was playing at the Eastern Caribbean Society.
Yeah, but we end up playing for the British Legion annual dinner and dance.
They was expecting us to do the foxstep and the quicktrot.
No, you fool, the foxtrot and the quickstep.
Well, we still couldn't play them.
- How did he die? - Heart attack.
The funeral's tomorrow, St Paul's.
Tell me something.
How come you here every morning these days? That's why.
- A secretary? - No.
A wife.
"And so I say to you, brothers and sisters "that Sweetsticks did not falter when faced with death.
" You're supposed to say a few Amens and Praise the Lords.
All right.
OK.
Yeah.
- Amen.
- You come in too soon! "And so I say to you, brothers and sisters" Amen.
"that Sweetsticks did not falter when faced with death.
" Praise the Lord.
- "He looked death straight in the eye" - Oh, yeah! I like that.
"He faced death straight in the eye and said, I'm ready, Lord.
" "I'm ready to be received into your bosom.
" No.
He see too much bosom on earth to see more bosom when he get to heaven.
Desmond, he getting buried in a Catholic church, not an evangelist, Pentecostal, let-everything-hang-out church.
Say something quiet, something you don't have to shout.
I ain't gonna say nothing at all.
The man used and abused me.
Well, if you can't see it in your heart to forgive a friend who ask for forgiveness on his deathbed, then I feel sorry for you.
Good night.
- Hm! - Shirley? What you want? It's after one o'clock in the morning.
There's no sign of Gloria yet.
She should have been in half an hour ago.
She out with Clark again.
He seem sensible.
The man wants to be prime minister.
You call that sensible? Come in, Gloria.
Your time is up.
Mum, Dad.
Still up? No.
We fast asleep.
- You're late.
- I can explain, Dad.
You know what happens when you're late.
You're grounded.
For a week.
- Dad, I can explain - Good night, Gloria.
Why you didn't let her explain what happen? She's late and rules is rules.
But there could be a hundred different reasons why she late.
The important thing is she safe.
So you better go in her room now and listen to what she got to say.
Desmond.
Go on.
- Who is it? - It's me.
Go away, Dad.
I can't go away.
I live here.
I want to talk to you.
I'm sorry I didn't let you explain.
- Makes no difference.
I'm grounded.
- Well, it might.
- Really? - I said it might.
- What happened? - Nothing, really.
That's just it.
Nothing happened.
Oh, we were supposed to go to this club.
And then we ended up at the town hall at this meeting.
And then everybody back to his place for a meeting about a meeting.
And when I managed to talk to him it was time to come home.
So why were you late? I wanted some answers from him.
I wasn't leaving until I got them.
I wasn't gonna stop in the middle of an argument and say, "Excuse me, I've got to go now.
Same time next week?" I'm sorry.
You really like that idiot? Sometimes you think you know someone, you know nothing about them.
I thought I knew Clark.
I bet you thought you knew Sweetsticks until he ran off with your money.
No.
I knew Sweetsticks.
It didn't surprise me when he ran off with my money.
It surprised me when Clark told me he was gay.
Ah.
Well maybe we can renegotiate your curfew times.
How about, er 15 minutes for arguments 30 minutes for break-ups and an hour for boyfriends who tell you that they're gay? Oh, Dad.
Desmond, hurry up or we'll be late.
If you can't finish the speech now, you never will.
Michael, did you write them few words I ask you to? - Oh, put it away.
- What's that? I asked Michael to write a few nice things about Sweetsticks just in case your father can't manage it.
I'm sure you'll do us proud.
- You finish your speech? - Yes.
- I hope you tell the truth about him.
- Yes, I will.
Good.
Are you gonna read it at the service? I'm going to read a speech at the service.
I don't like the sound of that.
Come on, Mum, cos Lee's been waiting for ages.
Come, Michael, I want a word with you.
What d'you reckon, eh? You can't come to the funeral dressed like that.
Look, this is so exclusive I've only just got one.
Cost me 50 quid.
- It's disrespectful.
- It's dead respectful.
Come on, the motor's running.
If you don't hurry up, we'll have to run after it.
Hurry.
You know what I mean? Hurry, hurry.
Look, about that loan.
Hold on a minute, please, Father.
Hello? Er, yes.
Yeah, look, can you phone me back later? Yeah.
OK.
Carry on, Father.
I really need it.
I mean to build that house back home before I die.
Dad, I don't think I'm the right person to talk to about the loan.
- Why not? You work in a bank.
- Yes, I know, but Well, it's just that sometimes people fall out over money, don't they? Like you and Sweetsticks.
Oh, come on.
I'll drive you to the church.
Desmond? Look at all these women.
They should have call him Big Stick instead of Sweetsticks.
He should have left me his address book - instead of him sticks.
- Shh! Wish I'd met him.
- He could have given me a few tips.
- Shh.
All the tips in the world couldn't help you.
Shh! It is our solemn duty to carry out, in the traditional manner of God's faithful people the burial of this mortal body.
As we do so, we call trustfully upon God from whom all creation has life.
May he, in due time, by his power, bring to resurrection with all the saints the body of this our brother which, in its frailty we now bury.
May God unite his soul with those of all the saints and faithful departed.
May he be given a merciful judgement so that, redeemed from death freed from punishment reconciled to the Father, carried in the arms of the Good Shepherd, he may deserve to enter fully into everlasting company of all the saints.
Now Desmond Ambrose would like to say a few words.
You better not make a fool of yourself or this family.
Tchh! Hello? What can I say about Sweetsticks that hasn't already been said? To many, he was a man of many talents.
And today I'm standing here on his behalf.
But I'd like to tell you about the real Sweetsticks.
- The man was a cheat.
- Yeah, man.
- He was a liar.
- Yeah! And a thief.
I'd like to say that to him but he'd only say to me, "Why tell me something I know already?" Sweetsticks was my friend.
I knew him for what he was and I respected him for what he was.
Praise the Lord.
And I only hope somebody up there likes him, too, because they'll be missing out on a damn good steel-pan player.
And to send him on his way, I think it only fitting to send him off in the way I know best.
All right, Padre?