Digman! (2023) s01e05 Episode Script
The Mile High Club
♪
SWOOPER:
Every day ♪
I make a frowning face ♪
I'm not glad, I am sad ♪
Well, I used to laugh
like, "ho-ho, hee-hee"♪
But now I cry ♪
"Boo-hoo, bee-hee" ♪
Well, my eyes are filled ♪
With shiny teardrops ♪
And there they go ♪
Plop, plop, plop ♪
I'm a sad pilot ♪
I'm a ♪
[falsetto]:
Sad pilot ♪
Hey, knock it off!
I'm on a Zoom!
[dialing]
[line ringing]
Hey, how's Swooper Jr. doing?
He's fine, Swooper.
He's getting an award at school
on Friday.
That's great. I'll be there.
Hey, boss,
can I get this Friday off?
Yeah, sure, you can take off.
Take off into the sky
for a long day of work
because we just got
hired to find
Amelia Earhart's plane.
Wait, why do you ask?
Is it for a religious thing
and I could get in trouble
if I make you work?
- No.
- Great! Then buckle up
because we just got hired
to find Amelia Earhart's plane!
♪
♪
RIP:
The Aviation Museum got a tip
that Emilia Earhart's plane
might be around here,
so stay frosty.
- You got it, Rip.
- Agatha?
If you're on the plane,
who's running the office?
[ringing]
Bleargh! [chomps]
Okay, but why are you here?
Because I want to earn
airline miles.
But we're on Swooper's plane,
not a commercial flight.
I also have a mileage program.
The more you fly with me, the
more Swoop-tificates you accrue.
They're coupons for stuff
he'll do for you,
like making your bed,
unloading the dishwasher,
providing an alibi.
Why not just call them
Swoop-ons?
It didn't clear.
Oh, come on, Agatha.
Tell them the truth.
You're here because you
freaking love Amelia Earhart.
All right, it's true.
- I'm a major Earhead.
- Aw.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
I've always loved her.
She's my biggest
historical crush.
Well, I can think of
no better way
of honoring her legacy
than by finding the very plane
that houses
her moldering corpse.
[engine rumbling]
- What the? Ah!
- Ah!
Holy mother of God!
Saltine, now is not the time
for jokes.
I didn't say anything!
I know, I'm just saying that now
would be an inappropriate time
to crack wise
because our lives are in danger.
[grunts] I can't get away.
[winch whirring]
RIP:
Okay, play it cool.
And just remember,
if we need to sacrifice anyone,
Agatha has led a long
and fulfilling life.
All right, here we go.
♪
[mechanical whirring]
Greetings. My name
is Amelia Earhart.
[gasping]
Wow, you look great for 126.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Mile High Club.
Allow me to show you around.
The Mile High Club is
a floating utopia in the sky.
Darling, should we
deny ourselves
even one of life's
many pleasures?
Methinks not.
My God, this place
is utterly bucolic.
It's not all roses.
Check that out.
RIP: Oh, yeah.
What's going on over there?
Those are our onboard therapists.
They're out of work because
everyone here is so happy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- That makes sense.
- Aw, nice.
Yes, in the Mile High Club,
your greatest fantasies
can be made reality.
What's your greatest fantasy?
Well, it was to meet you.
Guess I need a new one.
Ooh, I've never seen
Agatha flirt.
Yeah, what's up with that?
I always thought
that Agatha and I
had a sort of "will they/
won't they" type thing.
- Really?
- I don't know. Fucking maybe.
[laughs] It doesn't matter.
Here you see our founders,
Orville and Wilbur Wright.
You may know the Wright brothers
as the inventors
of the airplane.
Upon realizing that their
beloved invention
was being turned into
a weapon of war,
they faked their deaths
and built this airship,
the Mile High Club,
a place where peace-loving
aviators could live forever.
And only the greatest pilots
in the world can fly it.
That's why the Wright brothers
reeled me in, in 1937.
I've been piloting
this ship ever since,
kept alive long past normal age
by our advanced steam-based
technology.
But now the time has come
for me to retire,
which is why I brought you here.
[gasping]
I've been searching
the world over
for my replacement.
And it's you, Swooper Goodfly.
Me? Old Swoops?
Yes, Swooper.
You are the only one
who can take over
because you are
the best pilot in the world.
Really? I mean, he's good, sure,
but the best
in the entire world?
- Yes.
- Huh. Crazy.
But I guess you guys would know.
A lot of pilots up here
and whatnot.
Just curious, though,
how does one gauge that?
Like, what's the criteria?
Nothing personal, Swooper.
- Yeah, no, I get it.
- Enough.
He's the best because
we say he's the best.
Now, what do you say, Swooper?
Do you want to be the captain
of the greatest flying machine
ever invented?
I am mighty flattered,
Ms. Earhart.
But I can't abandon my boy Rip.
He needs me too bad. Right, Rip?
I mean, gosh, Swooper,
I don't want you to go,
but it feels like this
is pretty much
the best job
a pilot could get, right?
I mean, I wouldn't want
you to get in my way
if I was hired for my dream job:
Head Arky of Musee d'Hiss,
- the Snakes Museum.
- You're sure?
- I sure am sure.
- Well, then.
Okay, Ms. Earhart. I'll take it.
- [cheering]
- A new captain has been crowned!
Wow. Okay.
Well, I sure am going
to miss Swooper.
Today has been
an emotional Gravitron,
but the Aviation Museum
is gonna flip
when I bring in
the actual Amelia Earhart.
- I'm not leaving.
- What?
But you said you were retiring.
I am, but I'll remain here
in our utopia in the sky,
never to set foot on land again.
But land is great.
It's what gave
Lands' End its name.
It's also where land-walkers
wage endless wars
and reckless college students
are always piling
into phone booths.
No, thanks. I choose to remain
where everyone exists
in harmony,
the Mile High Club.
Just so I'm clear, you guys
don't realize that nowadays
being in the "mile high club"
means you've had sex on a plane.
My God, you land-walkers
are perverts, too?
You know, it does
seem nice up here.
Amelia makes a good point.
Well, sure it seems nice
living up here in the sky,
but what happens when you're
in the mood to see a worm?
What then, Agatha?
Why don't you stay?
Gladly.
What? Oh, man.
Are you sure, ma'am?
This is like
my senior superlative:
Most irregular.
Save your worries,
First Mate O'Dooley.
I'll take Miss Agatha
under my wing.
Hmm. I do like that you use
the word "wing." Okay.
Seems like everyone is getting
what they want
except the main guy Rip.
This is worse than
a wife in the attic
and a governess beneath. Hi-ya.
I'm really going to miss
Agatha and Swooper.
- Kicking the trash can helps.
- Huh!
- Ow.
- Well, don't kick it there.
- That's dense as shit.
- How about this?
You can take my plane
back with you to the museum.
That should prove a worthy prize
for your troubles.
And also get you to stop kicking
my trash can.
Well, it's not you,
but it is better
than friggin' jack squat,
so we'll take it.
- O'Dooley, show them the way.
- Gladly, Captain.
- [Rip whistling]
- Captain Earhart's plane
is right through this door.
Ah! I can't see!
Good thing my sense of taste
is heightened.
Ew. A wall.
You didn't really think we'd
let you go back to the surface
and tell everyone about
the Mile High Club, did you?
That's exactly what I thought,
and, in fact, still do.
[both screaming]
[grunts]
What the hell?
[machinery clanking]
Get back to work, humanoids.
Oh, no. This 'topia just
went from "U" to "Dys."
Ugh. This sucks. What in
Christian hell are we doing?
Turning condensation into steam.
The noblest work known to man.
- You actually enjoy this?
- Of course.
I mean, I guess I have nothing
to compare it to.
I was born and raised here
and all I've ever known is
turning this crank
15 back-breaking hours a day.
- I love it.
- That's so sad.
Well, I left out one part.
At the end of the day,
you're given
a disgusting protein bar to eat.
[sighs]
[gulps] It's great.
You just said it was disgusting.
You guys will get used to it
or my name isn't Interchangeable
Crank-Turner Number 937.
- Seems unlikely.
- Haven't you ever thought
about what would happen
if you didn't turn the crank?
Oh, I know what would happen.
Oh, I can't turn
this crank anymore.
That.
[whooshing]
- Good Lord!
- Oh, my God!
Ha. Yeah, that'll happen.
I'll miss you, Dad.
Saltine, we got
to get out of here.
Yeah, so we can help
these people.
Right, yeah,
and maybe we can also grab
Amelia Earhart's plane
for the Aviation Museum.
- Rip!
- After we save everyone.
- You didn't let me finish.
- Psst.
Oh, no, are you a lunatic, too?
Yes, but that's irrelevant.
There's a secret meeting tonight
after our shift.
I think you'll find it
very intriguing.
- Are you in?
- Sounds good.
But can I get a plus one
for my friend Saltine?
She's kind of a nerd,
so I want to bring her along.
Hey!
It's been a long time
since I've been around
a land-walker.
You haven't missed much on land.
Modest necklines are back,
but they only look good if
you're thin with small boobs.
But not if you're ripped, with
giant knockers? That's awful.
May I sing you a song
of love and merriment?
Please.
- Ahem.
- ♪
Up in the sky
it's not just birds♪
With their dirty little beaks
and their bright white turds♪
It's love ♪
[echoing]:
Love, love, love. love ♪
- Oh, uh
- [gasps] Oops.
[laughing]
The view is so beautiful here.
But you're not even
taking in the view.
You're looking at my rotors.
- Am I?
- You am.
[squawking]
Now, don't move.
Just stay still
for three more hours.
O'DOOLEY:
So, sir
where would you like
to go tomorrow?
The sky is your oyster.
Well, my son's getting
an award at school.
Let's go there.
Oh, no, no, no.
We can't bring this airship
anywhere near a populated area,
much less ever visit
the surface world ever again.
But how will I see my son?
Sir, let me be upfront with you.
The reason we chose you
to be our pilot
is because your family
attachments are nonexistent.
But I want to have
family attachments.
They just don't want them
with me.
Exactly.
So I'll never see my son again?
Now you get it.
So, where should we go tomorrow?
Uh, west?
West, it is.
Want to get a drink with us
down at the Black Box?
That's the name of our bar.
Sure. But can I have
a few minutes
just to sort of, you know,
soak up the day?
I read you loud and clear.
You want the bridge to yourself
so you can jack off
while taking in
the spectacular view.
Been there many times myself.
Just activate the autopilot
before you go.
Oh, I'll activate
the autopilot all right.
Just as soon as I put
in a new destination.
♪
And if we band together,
we can create a better life
for everyone.
Get your head out of the clouds.
That's a pipe dream.
- There's nothing else out there.
- You're wrong.
There's a much better world
out there.
Let me guess. A world
where we only have to work
13-hour shifts and we get one
and a half protein bars a day?
- What? No!
- [laughter]
Let me guess.
It's a ten-hour shift
and we get two
protein bars a day
and the toilets aren't wired
to shock your butthole
every time you sit down on them?
- No, it's better than that.
- [laughter]
Okay, now you sound crazy.
No, he's right. There's a better
world and we can take you there.
Wee-woo, wee-woo!
Get back to work,
get back to work!
[panicked shouting]
This way. Head for the door.
Oh, Agatha, I'm having
a wonderful time with you.
Tell me again how
the Three Stooges died.
Well, Curly went first
My, my, my, who have we here?
I haven't seen you
around before.
You must be the new pilot.
Oh, well
She's not a pilot, Lilian.
She's from the surface.
A land-walker? Well, well, well.
Who knew the great
Amelia Earhart could fly so low?
Watch your tone, Lilian.
I'm only looking out for you
as a friend, Amelia.
Can you imagine
what people will say
when they find out
you're with a land-walker?
A ground clown?
A Surface McDurface?
[laughs] You'll be ostracized.
Do you really want that sort
of turbulence in your life?
Well, I, uh, uh
It's fine, Amelia.
I don't want to burden you.
Oh, dear.
Was it something I said?
♪
[gasps] The elevator.
[elevator bell dings]
Going up, losers. [laughing]
[both screaming]
[grunting]
Oh, this level is worse
than the last one,
for which I made
no secret of my distaste!
This must be where they make
those gross protein bars.
Ew! I ate so many of those!
- [grunting]
- [buzzing]
I hate to pass hasty judgment,
but I don't like the look
of this place so far.
Oh, I want to help,
but I don't know how.
I wish there was something
we could foment.
I mean, yeah, they do all
seem like they could use
a part of their bodies bathed
With warm or medicated lotions.
No, Rip, with the other
definition of foment.
Oh, I see.
Well, then what about
a revolution?
[gasps] I love that for us.
Attention, protein bar
plant workers.
This may come as a shock,
but you don't need to hammer
yourselves in the groin all day!
Really? We're listening.
- [yelps]
- [buzzing]
♪
You're leaving?
It's for the best.
I'm no stranger
to causing trouble.
- Ever heard of Watergate?
- No.
Oh, well, my point is,
I don't want to cause
trouble for you.
But Agatha
I'm asking for trouble.
Ask and you shall receive.
Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey♪
Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
AMELIA:
Wow-wee!
What's this? We're off course.
We're not heading west at all.
We're heading
Hold on.
Let me cross-check the data.
- East.
- East?
That's right.
Noticed a rainbow up ahead
so I pulled a U-ey.
Didn't want to get distracted
by its beauty
and make a mistake.
Smart. Eastward ho.
I'm coming for you, Junior.
- I still don't get it. [yells]
- [buzzing]
You're saying we don't have
to hammer our groins all day?
But it's what our
parents did. Ow!
But your parents didn't know
there was a better
world out there.
Why don't you just buzz off
and stop telling us
these fairy tales?
Quiet. These people
speak the truth.
- The old man?
- He hasn't spoken in 40 years.
Many years ago, as a lad,
I got lost one night
and caught sight of a world
more beautiful
than any I'd ever seen.
I thought it was a dream,
but I, like,
never remember my dreams,
and I totally remember this.
These people speak the truth.
We must rise.
Yes, let's rise and tear down
the world of your oppressors
while leaving Amelia Earhart's
plane untouched
so I can return it
to the Aviation Museum.
- Yeah!
- We rise!
- [cheering]
- Let's go!
Viva la revolución! Yeah!
Wow. It's like heaven up here.
I knew it! I love my life!
- [grunting]
- Yeah, we're behind you.
- Let's go.
- It gets better. Follow me.
- Where are they going?
- Let's follow them.
My, my, wherever did you get
that necklace, Lilian?
Oh, at the "Bitch,
You Can't Afford It" Store.
[laughter]
Oh! Intruders!
Everyone, clutch your pearls!
[whimpering]
The smells.
[grunting]
[growling]
Jeezo Flip!
What's going on here?
The Mile High Club is bad.
The only reason it exists
is because
there's lower levels
being exploited
to make the people
up here happy.
Amelia, did you know about this?
Agatha, you don't understand.
When the ship was created,
everyone lived in harmony.
But soon we divided into
first class, economy class,
protein bar
manufacturing class
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and it escalated from there.
Now, Amelia, where's your plane
we were promised?
My plane's been gone for years,
you absolute dumbass.
We repurposed it
for my mechanical body parts.
No! It was all a lie.
Whoa. That was crazy.
Did you guys see that pillar?
Amelia, this has to end.
Dissolve the classes.
And share bathrooms?
If it isn't a utopia
for everyone,
then it's not a utopia.
[sighs] Your moving words
have inspired me to bounce.
Engage ankle boosters!
Holy shit. Did anyone know
she could do that?
The revolution is on!
We have to take down
the upper class.
You are the upper class.
In a hellhole like this?
You absolute dumbass.
There's another level
above this one. Let's march.
Another level?
What is this?
The King of Prussia Mall?
This is it, where the richest
of the rich live.
- What's that smell?
- Inequality, Saltine.
And it makes me sick.
Fucking plane
isn't even here anymore.
Whole thing's a bust.
♪
It's been a whole lot easier
since the bitch left town♪
Been a whole lot happier ♪
The Wright brothers?
Oh, hey, you guys.
They're chilling out inside
a totally decked-out man cave.
My God, you have chairs of bean
and we've been sitting on
regular wood like chumps.
I call bullshit.
Quit harshing our vibe.
The whole reason we started
this thing was to vibe.
Whoa. You have the Moody Blues'
In Search of the Lost Chord
on vinyl?
I know, right? Grab a Red Bull.
We're just playing Vice City.
It's so effed up,
you can punch anyone.
Wait a minute.
If all of you are up here,
who is turning the steam cranks?
- No one.
- We saw to that.
Morons! If no one is working
the steam factory,
this ship will crash!
- [metallic creaking]
- [hissing]
What the? Sir, why are
we above all those people?
'Cause my son
is receiving an award.
I'm a good dad!
We're going down.
Your little son is gonna die.
That's not what a good dad
would do. I fucked up!
- Swooper, we got to go!
- If we leave,
my ten-year-old son will die.
- You have a son?
- Yes.
He's receiving an award today
from MI
for Professor of the Year.
Your ten-year-old son
is an MIT professor?
Oh, my God, Saltine, catch up.
Swooper Jr. is the savant
who left home
a few years ago to teach at MIT.
- Got it.
- Swooper is always trying
to see him, but Junior
never makes any time for him.
- Uh-huh.
- He's an absentee son.
So, the opposite
of the usual thing?
- Exactly.
- We have to evacuate.
Professor Swooper Jr.'s
achievements in the field
of quantum mechanics are
Oh, my God!
What is that?
[screaming]
You can't make me go!
I have to save my son!
No. Swooper, you'll perish.
[grunting]
Oh, my God, he evaporated.
Oh, no. His boot just came off.
He's my kid, Rip.
I don't expect you to stay,
but there's no way I'm leaving.
Fine. What do you want us to do?
Wait, really?
Yeah. We're a team.
We're not just gonna
leave you here.
All right. Okay,
here's the plan.
We're going to dive headfirst
into the flaming engine
to gum it up
Uh-huh, right.
We'll definitely die,
but there's a 1% chance
it works.
Well, seems like a bad plan,
but we've got your back.
I must admit,
I never thought I'd see
such compassion from
a bunch of Surface McDurfaces.
- Because we're not all bad.
- I suppose the Mile High Club
wound up being no better
than the world
we tried to escape.
Exactly.
You're a big piece of shit.
Go. I'll save the land-walkers.
Thanks, but we've
already got a plan.
You can trust her, Swooper.
Now it's time for you
to take us home.
SWOOPER:
The Swoop-tificates.
What are the odds of that
one actually happening?
Okay, let's go.
[alarm blaring]
♪
[grunting]
There's only one way.
Please, Amelia Earhart,
save my little son!
- [panting]
- [hissing]
[grunting]
♪
Goodbye, my love.
- Woo-hoo!
- She did it!
I'm sure she didn't suffer.
She exploded.
Yeah, just seemed like
something to say.
But you're right.
It was probably like
the most suffering
imaginable. [chuckles]
I guess I really missed
the mark on that one, huh?
I mean, I know
it's not about me.
This is your moment.
Of sadness, obviously.
Not like your moment to shine
or something like that,
but still, pretty upsetting.
It's almost like
I should just cram it
and let you experience
your very, very fresh grief.
So, I will. Starting right
now.
I do have another thing
to say, though.
Debating if I should say it
or not.
Okay, I'll just say it
real quick.
With apologies to
the Smashing Pumpkins,
this is infinite sadness,
What your feeling.
Okay, I'll stop now.
So curious what you thought
of my line, though,
about Smashing Pumpkins.
Did you like it?
Tell me it was worth the wait.
Please tell me it
was worth the wait.
[phone chimes]
[Swooper sighing]
[Swooper moans]
Say, Swooper, I just got
this new ball glove.
You want to play catch?
You mean it?
- Right here.
- All right.
Put 'er right in here.
- Come on.
- Give me your best stuff.
Got room for two more?
We can play doubles.
This is going to be
the best day ever!
- [laughing]
- Whoa.
Hit me. Ow.
Ah! Ha!
- [grunts]
- And that's catch.
Indeed, the sport of catch.
[laughter]
♪
Chirp.
SWOOPER:
Every day ♪
I make a frowning face ♪
I'm not glad, I am sad ♪
Well, I used to laugh
like, "ho-ho, hee-hee"♪
But now I cry ♪
"Boo-hoo, bee-hee" ♪
Well, my eyes are filled ♪
With shiny teardrops ♪
And there they go ♪
Plop, plop, plop ♪
I'm a sad pilot ♪
I'm a ♪
[falsetto]:
Sad pilot ♪
Hey, knock it off!
I'm on a Zoom!
[dialing]
[line ringing]
Hey, how's Swooper Jr. doing?
He's fine, Swooper.
He's getting an award at school
on Friday.
That's great. I'll be there.
Hey, boss,
can I get this Friday off?
Yeah, sure, you can take off.
Take off into the sky
for a long day of work
because we just got
hired to find
Amelia Earhart's plane.
Wait, why do you ask?
Is it for a religious thing
and I could get in trouble
if I make you work?
- No.
- Great! Then buckle up
because we just got hired
to find Amelia Earhart's plane!
♪
♪
RIP:
The Aviation Museum got a tip
that Emilia Earhart's plane
might be around here,
so stay frosty.
- You got it, Rip.
- Agatha?
If you're on the plane,
who's running the office?
[ringing]
Bleargh! [chomps]
Okay, but why are you here?
Because I want to earn
airline miles.
But we're on Swooper's plane,
not a commercial flight.
I also have a mileage program.
The more you fly with me, the
more Swoop-tificates you accrue.
They're coupons for stuff
he'll do for you,
like making your bed,
unloading the dishwasher,
providing an alibi.
Why not just call them
Swoop-ons?
It didn't clear.
Oh, come on, Agatha.
Tell them the truth.
You're here because you
freaking love Amelia Earhart.
All right, it's true.
- I'm a major Earhead.
- Aw.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
I've always loved her.
She's my biggest
historical crush.
Well, I can think of
no better way
of honoring her legacy
than by finding the very plane
that houses
her moldering corpse.
[engine rumbling]
- What the? Ah!
- Ah!
Holy mother of God!
Saltine, now is not the time
for jokes.
I didn't say anything!
I know, I'm just saying that now
would be an inappropriate time
to crack wise
because our lives are in danger.
[grunts] I can't get away.
[winch whirring]
RIP:
Okay, play it cool.
And just remember,
if we need to sacrifice anyone,
Agatha has led a long
and fulfilling life.
All right, here we go.
♪
[mechanical whirring]
Greetings. My name
is Amelia Earhart.
[gasping]
Wow, you look great for 126.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Mile High Club.
Allow me to show you around.
The Mile High Club is
a floating utopia in the sky.
Darling, should we
deny ourselves
even one of life's
many pleasures?
Methinks not.
My God, this place
is utterly bucolic.
It's not all roses.
Check that out.
RIP: Oh, yeah.
What's going on over there?
Those are our onboard therapists.
They're out of work because
everyone here is so happy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- That makes sense.
- Aw, nice.
Yes, in the Mile High Club,
your greatest fantasies
can be made reality.
What's your greatest fantasy?
Well, it was to meet you.
Guess I need a new one.
Ooh, I've never seen
Agatha flirt.
Yeah, what's up with that?
I always thought
that Agatha and I
had a sort of "will they/
won't they" type thing.
- Really?
- I don't know. Fucking maybe.
[laughs] It doesn't matter.
Here you see our founders,
Orville and Wilbur Wright.
You may know the Wright brothers
as the inventors
of the airplane.
Upon realizing that their
beloved invention
was being turned into
a weapon of war,
they faked their deaths
and built this airship,
the Mile High Club,
a place where peace-loving
aviators could live forever.
And only the greatest pilots
in the world can fly it.
That's why the Wright brothers
reeled me in, in 1937.
I've been piloting
this ship ever since,
kept alive long past normal age
by our advanced steam-based
technology.
But now the time has come
for me to retire,
which is why I brought you here.
[gasping]
I've been searching
the world over
for my replacement.
And it's you, Swooper Goodfly.
Me? Old Swoops?
Yes, Swooper.
You are the only one
who can take over
because you are
the best pilot in the world.
Really? I mean, he's good, sure,
but the best
in the entire world?
- Yes.
- Huh. Crazy.
But I guess you guys would know.
A lot of pilots up here
and whatnot.
Just curious, though,
how does one gauge that?
Like, what's the criteria?
Nothing personal, Swooper.
- Yeah, no, I get it.
- Enough.
He's the best because
we say he's the best.
Now, what do you say, Swooper?
Do you want to be the captain
of the greatest flying machine
ever invented?
I am mighty flattered,
Ms. Earhart.
But I can't abandon my boy Rip.
He needs me too bad. Right, Rip?
I mean, gosh, Swooper,
I don't want you to go,
but it feels like this
is pretty much
the best job
a pilot could get, right?
I mean, I wouldn't want
you to get in my way
if I was hired for my dream job:
Head Arky of Musee d'Hiss,
- the Snakes Museum.
- You're sure?
- I sure am sure.
- Well, then.
Okay, Ms. Earhart. I'll take it.
- [cheering]
- A new captain has been crowned!
Wow. Okay.
Well, I sure am going
to miss Swooper.
Today has been
an emotional Gravitron,
but the Aviation Museum
is gonna flip
when I bring in
the actual Amelia Earhart.
- I'm not leaving.
- What?
But you said you were retiring.
I am, but I'll remain here
in our utopia in the sky,
never to set foot on land again.
But land is great.
It's what gave
Lands' End its name.
It's also where land-walkers
wage endless wars
and reckless college students
are always piling
into phone booths.
No, thanks. I choose to remain
where everyone exists
in harmony,
the Mile High Club.
Just so I'm clear, you guys
don't realize that nowadays
being in the "mile high club"
means you've had sex on a plane.
My God, you land-walkers
are perverts, too?
You know, it does
seem nice up here.
Amelia makes a good point.
Well, sure it seems nice
living up here in the sky,
but what happens when you're
in the mood to see a worm?
What then, Agatha?
Why don't you stay?
Gladly.
What? Oh, man.
Are you sure, ma'am?
This is like
my senior superlative:
Most irregular.
Save your worries,
First Mate O'Dooley.
I'll take Miss Agatha
under my wing.
Hmm. I do like that you use
the word "wing." Okay.
Seems like everyone is getting
what they want
except the main guy Rip.
This is worse than
a wife in the attic
and a governess beneath. Hi-ya.
I'm really going to miss
Agatha and Swooper.
- Kicking the trash can helps.
- Huh!
- Ow.
- Well, don't kick it there.
- That's dense as shit.
- How about this?
You can take my plane
back with you to the museum.
That should prove a worthy prize
for your troubles.
And also get you to stop kicking
my trash can.
Well, it's not you,
but it is better
than friggin' jack squat,
so we'll take it.
- O'Dooley, show them the way.
- Gladly, Captain.
- [Rip whistling]
- Captain Earhart's plane
is right through this door.
Ah! I can't see!
Good thing my sense of taste
is heightened.
Ew. A wall.
You didn't really think we'd
let you go back to the surface
and tell everyone about
the Mile High Club, did you?
That's exactly what I thought,
and, in fact, still do.
[both screaming]
[grunts]
What the hell?
[machinery clanking]
Get back to work, humanoids.
Oh, no. This 'topia just
went from "U" to "Dys."
Ugh. This sucks. What in
Christian hell are we doing?
Turning condensation into steam.
The noblest work known to man.
- You actually enjoy this?
- Of course.
I mean, I guess I have nothing
to compare it to.
I was born and raised here
and all I've ever known is
turning this crank
15 back-breaking hours a day.
- I love it.
- That's so sad.
Well, I left out one part.
At the end of the day,
you're given
a disgusting protein bar to eat.
[sighs]
[gulps] It's great.
You just said it was disgusting.
You guys will get used to it
or my name isn't Interchangeable
Crank-Turner Number 937.
- Seems unlikely.
- Haven't you ever thought
about what would happen
if you didn't turn the crank?
Oh, I know what would happen.
Oh, I can't turn
this crank anymore.
That.
[whooshing]
- Good Lord!
- Oh, my God!
Ha. Yeah, that'll happen.
I'll miss you, Dad.
Saltine, we got
to get out of here.
Yeah, so we can help
these people.
Right, yeah,
and maybe we can also grab
Amelia Earhart's plane
for the Aviation Museum.
- Rip!
- After we save everyone.
- You didn't let me finish.
- Psst.
Oh, no, are you a lunatic, too?
Yes, but that's irrelevant.
There's a secret meeting tonight
after our shift.
I think you'll find it
very intriguing.
- Are you in?
- Sounds good.
But can I get a plus one
for my friend Saltine?
She's kind of a nerd,
so I want to bring her along.
Hey!
It's been a long time
since I've been around
a land-walker.
You haven't missed much on land.
Modest necklines are back,
but they only look good if
you're thin with small boobs.
But not if you're ripped, with
giant knockers? That's awful.
May I sing you a song
of love and merriment?
Please.
- Ahem.
- ♪
Up in the sky
it's not just birds♪
With their dirty little beaks
and their bright white turds♪
It's love ♪
[echoing]:
Love, love, love. love ♪
- Oh, uh
- [gasps] Oops.
[laughing]
The view is so beautiful here.
But you're not even
taking in the view.
You're looking at my rotors.
- Am I?
- You am.
[squawking]
Now, don't move.
Just stay still
for three more hours.
O'DOOLEY:
So, sir
where would you like
to go tomorrow?
The sky is your oyster.
Well, my son's getting
an award at school.
Let's go there.
Oh, no, no, no.
We can't bring this airship
anywhere near a populated area,
much less ever visit
the surface world ever again.
But how will I see my son?
Sir, let me be upfront with you.
The reason we chose you
to be our pilot
is because your family
attachments are nonexistent.
But I want to have
family attachments.
They just don't want them
with me.
Exactly.
So I'll never see my son again?
Now you get it.
So, where should we go tomorrow?
Uh, west?
West, it is.
Want to get a drink with us
down at the Black Box?
That's the name of our bar.
Sure. But can I have
a few minutes
just to sort of, you know,
soak up the day?
I read you loud and clear.
You want the bridge to yourself
so you can jack off
while taking in
the spectacular view.
Been there many times myself.
Just activate the autopilot
before you go.
Oh, I'll activate
the autopilot all right.
Just as soon as I put
in a new destination.
♪
And if we band together,
we can create a better life
for everyone.
Get your head out of the clouds.
That's a pipe dream.
- There's nothing else out there.
- You're wrong.
There's a much better world
out there.
Let me guess. A world
where we only have to work
13-hour shifts and we get one
and a half protein bars a day?
- What? No!
- [laughter]
Let me guess.
It's a ten-hour shift
and we get two
protein bars a day
and the toilets aren't wired
to shock your butthole
every time you sit down on them?
- No, it's better than that.
- [laughter]
Okay, now you sound crazy.
No, he's right. There's a better
world and we can take you there.
Wee-woo, wee-woo!
Get back to work,
get back to work!
[panicked shouting]
This way. Head for the door.
Oh, Agatha, I'm having
a wonderful time with you.
Tell me again how
the Three Stooges died.
Well, Curly went first
My, my, my, who have we here?
I haven't seen you
around before.
You must be the new pilot.
Oh, well
She's not a pilot, Lilian.
She's from the surface.
A land-walker? Well, well, well.
Who knew the great
Amelia Earhart could fly so low?
Watch your tone, Lilian.
I'm only looking out for you
as a friend, Amelia.
Can you imagine
what people will say
when they find out
you're with a land-walker?
A ground clown?
A Surface McDurface?
[laughs] You'll be ostracized.
Do you really want that sort
of turbulence in your life?
Well, I, uh, uh
It's fine, Amelia.
I don't want to burden you.
Oh, dear.
Was it something I said?
♪
[gasps] The elevator.
[elevator bell dings]
Going up, losers. [laughing]
[both screaming]
[grunting]
Oh, this level is worse
than the last one,
for which I made
no secret of my distaste!
This must be where they make
those gross protein bars.
Ew! I ate so many of those!
- [grunting]
- [buzzing]
I hate to pass hasty judgment,
but I don't like the look
of this place so far.
Oh, I want to help,
but I don't know how.
I wish there was something
we could foment.
I mean, yeah, they do all
seem like they could use
a part of their bodies bathed
With warm or medicated lotions.
No, Rip, with the other
definition of foment.
Oh, I see.
Well, then what about
a revolution?
[gasps] I love that for us.
Attention, protein bar
plant workers.
This may come as a shock,
but you don't need to hammer
yourselves in the groin all day!
Really? We're listening.
- [yelps]
- [buzzing]
♪
You're leaving?
It's for the best.
I'm no stranger
to causing trouble.
- Ever heard of Watergate?
- No.
Oh, well, my point is,
I don't want to cause
trouble for you.
But Agatha
I'm asking for trouble.
Ask and you shall receive.
Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey♪
Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
AMELIA:
Wow-wee!
What's this? We're off course.
We're not heading west at all.
We're heading
Hold on.
Let me cross-check the data.
- East.
- East?
That's right.
Noticed a rainbow up ahead
so I pulled a U-ey.
Didn't want to get distracted
by its beauty
and make a mistake.
Smart. Eastward ho.
I'm coming for you, Junior.
- I still don't get it. [yells]
- [buzzing]
You're saying we don't have
to hammer our groins all day?
But it's what our
parents did. Ow!
But your parents didn't know
there was a better
world out there.
Why don't you just buzz off
and stop telling us
these fairy tales?
Quiet. These people
speak the truth.
- The old man?
- He hasn't spoken in 40 years.
Many years ago, as a lad,
I got lost one night
and caught sight of a world
more beautiful
than any I'd ever seen.
I thought it was a dream,
but I, like,
never remember my dreams,
and I totally remember this.
These people speak the truth.
We must rise.
Yes, let's rise and tear down
the world of your oppressors
while leaving Amelia Earhart's
plane untouched
so I can return it
to the Aviation Museum.
- Yeah!
- We rise!
- [cheering]
- Let's go!
Viva la revolución! Yeah!
Wow. It's like heaven up here.
I knew it! I love my life!
- [grunting]
- Yeah, we're behind you.
- Let's go.
- It gets better. Follow me.
- Where are they going?
- Let's follow them.
My, my, wherever did you get
that necklace, Lilian?
Oh, at the "Bitch,
You Can't Afford It" Store.
[laughter]
Oh! Intruders!
Everyone, clutch your pearls!
[whimpering]
The smells.
[grunting]
[growling]
Jeezo Flip!
What's going on here?
The Mile High Club is bad.
The only reason it exists
is because
there's lower levels
being exploited
to make the people
up here happy.
Amelia, did you know about this?
Agatha, you don't understand.
When the ship was created,
everyone lived in harmony.
But soon we divided into
first class, economy class,
protein bar
manufacturing class
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and it escalated from there.
Now, Amelia, where's your plane
we were promised?
My plane's been gone for years,
you absolute dumbass.
We repurposed it
for my mechanical body parts.
No! It was all a lie.
Whoa. That was crazy.
Did you guys see that pillar?
Amelia, this has to end.
Dissolve the classes.
And share bathrooms?
If it isn't a utopia
for everyone,
then it's not a utopia.
[sighs] Your moving words
have inspired me to bounce.
Engage ankle boosters!
Holy shit. Did anyone know
she could do that?
The revolution is on!
We have to take down
the upper class.
You are the upper class.
In a hellhole like this?
You absolute dumbass.
There's another level
above this one. Let's march.
Another level?
What is this?
The King of Prussia Mall?
This is it, where the richest
of the rich live.
- What's that smell?
- Inequality, Saltine.
And it makes me sick.
Fucking plane
isn't even here anymore.
Whole thing's a bust.
♪
It's been a whole lot easier
since the bitch left town♪
Been a whole lot happier ♪
The Wright brothers?
Oh, hey, you guys.
They're chilling out inside
a totally decked-out man cave.
My God, you have chairs of bean
and we've been sitting on
regular wood like chumps.
I call bullshit.
Quit harshing our vibe.
The whole reason we started
this thing was to vibe.
Whoa. You have the Moody Blues'
In Search of the Lost Chord
on vinyl?
I know, right? Grab a Red Bull.
We're just playing Vice City.
It's so effed up,
you can punch anyone.
Wait a minute.
If all of you are up here,
who is turning the steam cranks?
- No one.
- We saw to that.
Morons! If no one is working
the steam factory,
this ship will crash!
- [metallic creaking]
- [hissing]
What the? Sir, why are
we above all those people?
'Cause my son
is receiving an award.
I'm a good dad!
We're going down.
Your little son is gonna die.
That's not what a good dad
would do. I fucked up!
- Swooper, we got to go!
- If we leave,
my ten-year-old son will die.
- You have a son?
- Yes.
He's receiving an award today
from MI
for Professor of the Year.
Your ten-year-old son
is an MIT professor?
Oh, my God, Saltine, catch up.
Swooper Jr. is the savant
who left home
a few years ago to teach at MIT.
- Got it.
- Swooper is always trying
to see him, but Junior
never makes any time for him.
- Uh-huh.
- He's an absentee son.
So, the opposite
of the usual thing?
- Exactly.
- We have to evacuate.
Professor Swooper Jr.'s
achievements in the field
of quantum mechanics are
Oh, my God!
What is that?
[screaming]
You can't make me go!
I have to save my son!
No. Swooper, you'll perish.
[grunting]
Oh, my God, he evaporated.
Oh, no. His boot just came off.
He's my kid, Rip.
I don't expect you to stay,
but there's no way I'm leaving.
Fine. What do you want us to do?
Wait, really?
Yeah. We're a team.
We're not just gonna
leave you here.
All right. Okay,
here's the plan.
We're going to dive headfirst
into the flaming engine
to gum it up
Uh-huh, right.
We'll definitely die,
but there's a 1% chance
it works.
Well, seems like a bad plan,
but we've got your back.
I must admit,
I never thought I'd see
such compassion from
a bunch of Surface McDurfaces.
- Because we're not all bad.
- I suppose the Mile High Club
wound up being no better
than the world
we tried to escape.
Exactly.
You're a big piece of shit.
Go. I'll save the land-walkers.
Thanks, but we've
already got a plan.
You can trust her, Swooper.
Now it's time for you
to take us home.
SWOOPER:
The Swoop-tificates.
What are the odds of that
one actually happening?
Okay, let's go.
[alarm blaring]
♪
[grunting]
There's only one way.
Please, Amelia Earhart,
save my little son!
- [panting]
- [hissing]
[grunting]
♪
Goodbye, my love.
- Woo-hoo!
- She did it!
I'm sure she didn't suffer.
She exploded.
Yeah, just seemed like
something to say.
But you're right.
It was probably like
the most suffering
imaginable. [chuckles]
I guess I really missed
the mark on that one, huh?
I mean, I know
it's not about me.
This is your moment.
Of sadness, obviously.
Not like your moment to shine
or something like that,
but still, pretty upsetting.
It's almost like
I should just cram it
and let you experience
your very, very fresh grief.
So, I will. Starting right
now.
I do have another thing
to say, though.
Debating if I should say it
or not.
Okay, I'll just say it
real quick.
With apologies to
the Smashing Pumpkins,
this is infinite sadness,
What your feeling.
Okay, I'll stop now.
So curious what you thought
of my line, though,
about Smashing Pumpkins.
Did you like it?
Tell me it was worth the wait.
Please tell me it
was worth the wait.
[phone chimes]
[Swooper sighing]
[Swooper moans]
Say, Swooper, I just got
this new ball glove.
You want to play catch?
You mean it?
- Right here.
- All right.
Put 'er right in here.
- Come on.
- Give me your best stuff.
Got room for two more?
We can play doubles.
This is going to be
the best day ever!
- [laughing]
- Whoa.
Hit me. Ow.
Ah! Ha!
- [grunts]
- And that's catch.
Indeed, the sport of catch.
[laughter]
♪
Chirp.