Disjointed (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[IN MANDARIN.]
Mark my words: Ross and Rachel will get together.
[IN MANDARIN.]
My favorite is Joey.
He makes me laugh! [CHUCKLES.]
[IN MANDARIN.]
Jenny, come here.
Motherwort for your focus, creeping lobelia for your vitality, and wolfberry for that sweet wolfberry taste!!! Mommy, that one looks like the bad stuff the policeman showed us in class: marijuana.
Mei Mei! Flee from marijuana.
It saps your vigor and transforms you into a skateboard vagrant! Grow up drug-free and proud like such female Chinese-American role models as figure-skating star Michelle Kwan, Vietnam Memorial architect Maya Lin, and The Single Guy co-star Ming-Na Wen! Jenny.
Your mother is right.
Marijuana has no benefits, unlike this meticulously curated selection of plants, brambles, and forest litter.
Jenny, I make you this vow: as long as I am alive, you will never go lacking for this tea.
Or the filtered water required to bring it to life.
And she still sends you this tea every week? Yeah.
Along with reassuring notes.
"If you stop drinking this, you will be a failure and age like a white woman.
" You wanna try some? It's got fresh wolfberry.
I'll take a shot.
Mm.
Mm, mm.
Tastes like pigs' nuts.
Yeah, that's in there, too.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm so high Jack, I'm never [RUTH.]
Ruth, you done good.
The store is hopping, you got a spring in your step, you got a Caesar salad in the fridge.
Time to spread the joy that is me.
Hey, Carter.
What you doing? Oh, sorry, I didn't think that loud enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
What you doing? - Uh, word find.
- Cool.
"Finland.
" Right there, backward diagonal.
What? All due respect, ma'am, if a man can't find his own words, he can't find himself.
"Himself," right there! What you smoking? Skywalker OG.
He's tried a bunch of different indica-dominant hybrids - and dosages over the last week or so - Jenny.
I know, I'm not a doctor, I'm a quitter and a liar.
Seeing as how you're a word guy, you ever dabble with Scrabble? Oh! Why, yes, Ruth, I've played a few miles of tiles.
So, I assume you know all the allowable two-letter words.
- I do.
- Even the four new ones? - Da, gi, po, te.
- Da, gi, po, te.
Oh, it is on.
Let's dance, motherfucker.
Jesus.
Is it dead? I'm afraid so.
Ugh Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- No.
No, it's okay.
- No.
- Don't be sad.
She was old, it was her time.
It's okay.
Plus, you can tell from her teats, she had a lot of pups.
Uh-huh.
Excuse me.
Just back up.
How do you think it got in the tank? It must've squeezed in this tiny hole.
Rat fun-fact number 26: A full-grown adult can squeeze through the hole in a Nigerian penny.
There's a hole in a Nigerian penny? You don't know that? What ? What kind of homeschool did you go to? I went to a public school.
Oh.
I've heard about kids like you.
Breaks my heart.
But you came out good, though.
Well, I should clean this.
This is the water the plants drink.
I'll do it.
- You sure? - Yeah, I actually like cleaning.
Olivia fun fact number 32: I used to vacuum every night to drown out the sound of my mom and my step-dad fighting.
I found out later they fought just so I'd clean.
Oh, those meth-addled bastards.
Okay, I'll just go bury the dead rat.
Pete, it's a dead rat.
You're gonna put it in the dumpster.
Good idea.
Closed casket.
Much more respectful.
Check her out, Maria.
A Deluxe Edition signed by none other than Scrabble inventor Alfred Butts himself.
Ain't she a beaut? I didn't know Scrabble boards were "shes.
" Oh, yeah, like ships, hurricanes, and God.
I'm warning you this will get intense.
Given our backgrounds, I feel like you and I have different definitions of "intense.
" I'm just saying, she's really vicious.
I mean, I've never beaten her, and I'm pretty good.
What's your style? You play for bingos or triple words? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
I play for fun.
Well, then, pretty good is all you'll ever be.
Okay, we're all set up.
Travis, pull up a chair, you're in, too.
Ha.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna spend my time running our business.
You're not gonna goad me into playing like you usually do.
[RUTH.]
I see.
Uh, one quick question: [CLUCKS.]
The chicken thing? Mom, you're a grownup.
[CLUCKS.]
You're a revered political activist.
Aw [CLUCKING.]
What is wrong with you? You're the President Emeritus of the California Bar Association? Ah.
You mean the California Bawk Association? And you're my mother.
That's very true.
And you're my daughter.
Yeah, okay.
Strap on my sports bra.
I'm in.
Hi, welcome to Strain o' the Day.
Today, we're featuring either the best weed you've ever smoked or nothing.
Behold, the paradox that is SchrÃdinger's Pot.
In this box is an eighth of top-shelf cannabis and a vial of water with a 50-percent chance of spilling, rendering the pot unsmokeable.
Meaning that, according to the laws of quantum mechanics, SchrÃdinger's Pot, as of this moment, both is and is not ready to fuck you up.
But once you open the box, quantum decoherence kicks in, and you'll have either paradigm-shifting weed or a wet bag of worthless shit.
No matter what, you'll get high just trying to wrap your head around this pretentious marketing idea he came up with.
Excuse me for not trying to say that pot's not just for stupid people.
So, come on down to Ruth's Alternative Caring because when it comes to reality, - there are many alternatives.
- There are many alternatives.
All right, I have to know.
- [MEOWS.]
- Wow.
SchrÃdinger, you son of a bitch.
[SINGING.]
- Okay, let's What? - Nope, nope.
Wait for the flyover.
Pssh Now to see who goes first, the ceremonial drawing of the tiles.
Nuh-uh, you know the rules.
Above eye level.
[GRUNTS.]
Scrabble is so much weirder than I thought! Damn it.
M.
- F.
- Blank.
I go first.
- Nope, I go first.
- No, blank can be any letter.
Yeah, I know, and I'm calling it Z.
Let's get ready to Scrabble! Fare thee well, sweet rat who we remember as a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a great-great-grandmother You get the idea.
Jesus, it smells like a joint took a shit and smoked it.
Hey, Douglas.
Sorry about the smell.
We found a dead rat in our water tank.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Yet another death by marijuana overdose.
Where's Ruth? She's inside.
- Do you want me to get her? - No.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
But you can get this.
You can tell her that in response to my complaint to the landlord, he referred me to his property manager, Gary, with whom I will be meeting with no later than next Wednesday, possibly sooner, depending on Gary's availability.
Okay.
I'll let her know.
Now get rid of that stink.
Junkie hookers work back here, okay? You know, if the smell gets into your dojang, I recommend a lemon-verbena candle.
I can bring one over if you like.
Oh, yes! Oh, I would love that! Please come over with a lemon-verbena candle.
Why should I be suspicious of anyone who works for Ruth and hangs around all day snurfing darbs and vaping the reef? Okay, so I'll swing by on my break.
Oh, fantastic.
I can't wait to see you.
- Probably 4, 4:30.
- Super! After strong opening moves by Carter and Ruth, young Travis now finds himself alone, trembling in the harsh glare of the pressure and stuff.
Can we lose the color commentary? You should be glad they're covering women's sports at all.
I'm serving y'all quinoa.
Seventeen plus four plus five, that is 26.
You could've just put the Q on the triple letter and made "qi" and "qi" for 65.
What the ? What the ? Okay, whatever.
"Quinoa" is a cooler word.
Oh? Quinoa's cool? Yeah.
Over-cultivation displaced millions of Peruvians.
But what the fuck? It's cool.
You should always play "qi" when you can.
I mean, it's like the letter Q get a chance to say: "Hey, I don't need you, U, 'cause I have I.
" Come on.
That is hilarious.
That's something.
It's sad to see doping have such a negative effect on the game we love.
- [OLIVIA.]
Hey, Jenny.
- How'd you know it was me? 'Cause even from inside this scummy tank, I can smell your mother's stank-ass tea.
- Would you like to try it? - Think I'll pass.
Are you sure? My mom claims it promotes health, intelligence, and perfectly formed bowel movements.
- And you believe that? - I know one to be true.
All right.
Oh, God.
What is in this again? Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-vomit basis.
But I can tell you, my 90-year-old great-grandma drinks it every day, and she criticizes me like a woman half her age.
That's kind of sweet.
Speaking of your family, when are you gonna tell your mom you dropped out of med school? Oh, I don't have to.
I got it all figured out.
I'm gonna fake my graduation, move to Puerto Rico for my fake residency, move back here, start a fake practice.
By the way, I'll be looking for a fake receptionist.
Why don't you and I just smoke a fatty, and then call your mom together? No, I I can't call her high.
Okay, fine.
I'll be high for the both of us.
So, you'll call her? Yeah.
I'll do it.
Good.
Oh, God.
- The tea hitting your colon? - Yep.
Get me out.
- Okay.
- Get me out of here.
My God.
Oh, God! D'oh Just let it happen.
[MARIA.]
And so the trinity of word warriors pursued their bitter rivalry with a single-mindedness of purpose that transformed the mahogany-finished, foil-stamped, lazy Susan'd quadrilateral into a 15-by-15 battleground where a hundred tiles laid down their lives for the lexical supremacy of their deftly strategizing wielders.
Ruth, you gonna go already? Earth to Carter, it's your turn.
It is? Wait, what's the order? Travis, Ruth, who's next? You know what? This shit got way too complicated.
No, y'all figure this shit out, I need to take a timeout.
Does someone need to sit down and take a tinkle? Oh, so, wait, you calling me a girl now, too? No.
I'm a feminist, I'm calling you a woman.
Oh, shit.
Look at you, big man swinging your dick around.
Don't flush your tampon.
Skywalker OG.
Yes.
[IMITATING YODA.]
Stoned, I am getting.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[URINATING.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[RUTH.]
Carter, hurry up.
I gotta make a Baby Ruth.
[LAUGHING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hi, Mei Mei! Your father's got a little cold, so I'm just at the store picking up some dried snake tail.
Whazzup? Oh, you're busy.
Okay.
I'll call you later.
Ow.
No, Mom.
I need to tell you something.
What have you done? Have you ruined yourself? Are you dating a man without an advanced degree? Is she pregnant? She doesn't have to be.
Mom you know how much I love you and how much I want you to be proud of me, but I'm a grownup, and I am entitled to make my own decisions about my life.
I I dropped out of medical school.
Is she still there? Yeah.
She's giving me the look.
Enjoy your life in the gutter.
Oh, my God.
Yay.
You did it.
[NARRATOR.]
Here in Golden, Colorado, we're never not high.
We don't boast about it.
It's just how it is and has been ever since 1873 when a Moravian Protestant named Adolph Kush started growing premium weed with crap he found in the Rocky Mountains.
Some folks ask why we still do it the same way he did despite the innumerable agricultural advancements of the last hundred years.
To which we say, "You got till sundown to get out of Golden, Rabbi.
" Kush.
The banquet weed.
With nary a rune left in the embroidered bag, the tally comes to Sweetie, can you hand me the scorecard? Thank you so much.
The tally comes to: Ruth, 124, Carter, 263 and Travis, 324.
It's actually happening.
I'm finally gonna beat you, Mom.
Settle down, sunshine.
I've still got four tiles left to play.
Oh, shit.
You got that new letter they added to the alphabet worth 300 points? [LAUGHS.]
Face it, Mom, it's done.
The streak is over, streak is over Travis, you sing like a white guy.
Not like Timberlake, I'm talking about, like, a real white guy.
Yeah, well, you're right.
I couldn't catch you, Travis.
Ah.
Ten years.
Been a great run.
Wow.
"Toe," for five points.
That's sad.
No, no, no, thank you.
Thank you.
You just opened me up for a triple-triple bingo.
That's right.
Diatribe.
- I can put the T off of "toe.
" - Are you serious? Oh, I am serious.
Eight times three times three, again, is 72, plus the 50 for the bingo, with the left letter Oh, my God.
Do you believe in miracles? Yes! Yes, I do believe in miracles! Boom! What the hell? You did that on purpose.
Me? I did what? You had a K left.
You could've played "toke" right there for more points, the game would've been over.
Instead, you went way out of your way to set up Carter just so I'd lose.
Oh, please, Miss Paranoia I didn't even think of the word "toke.
" You didn't even think of the word "toke"? Wait.
Hold on, Trav.
Ruth, did ? Did you ? Did you throw this game? Oh, come on.
Why would I do that? Because you couldn't stand the idea of me winning.
I mean, if you couldn't win, at least it wouldn't be me.
Oh, come on.
I I think you're making a whole lot out of a Scrabble match.
God, this is so you.
You can't ever let me have anything.
This constant urge to undercut me at every opportunity.
Why? Why? Not to be redundant, but He needs to toughen up a little bit, all right? Every now and then, the old lion needs to cuff the cub.
I'm starting to see where Travis is coming from.
I mean, you just set your own son up for failure.
I set him up to be a fighter.
Let me tell you something, Carter.
You survived a war? So did I, and I've been fighting it all my life.
DEA raids.
Prison, many times.
Nixon.
Reagan.
And all of a sudden, there I am, I'm raising a kid, and I'm I'm I'm still fighting all these things.
And Man, I just Yeah, fuck it.
Travis.
Hold it.
Well, there you have it.
A sad day here at Ruth's Alternative Caring, where a Scrabble game birthed in promise ends in controversy, heartbreak, and revelations of a parenting style straight out of The Great Santini.
From the house that Ruth built, I'm Maria Sherman.
Stay tuned for 60 Minutes in its entirety, except on the West Coast.
Good night.
Oh, shit.
I have to put money in the meter.
- Hello? - Oh, you.
From the smack house next door.
If you're looking for a haircut, it's three doors down.
If you're looking for 3 Doors Down, the lead singer lives five doors down.
[GRUNTING, THEN CHUCKLES.]
No.
I just brought the lemon-verbena candle like I said.
Here, I'll light it for you.
There you go.
It's a soy candle, so it should last three times longer.
Happy smelling.
So shines a good deed in a weary world.
Wait! I wanna give you something.
That's a 10-percent-off voucher - for your first three classes.
- Thanks.
That's 10 percent off of each class, not 30 percent for one.
Sure.
Plus, as an employee in the retail plaza, you're already entitled to a 5-percent discount.
- Okay.
- Again, that's for each class.
Essentially, it's a 15-percent discount for each class up to and including the third, so Sounds good.
Yeah.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Namaste.
- Hey, Pete.
- Yeah? Thirty percent off of one class is okay, too.
Do not tell anybody, though.
Ah Verbena.
Goodbye, tea.
No, no.
Don't say anything.
Just go.
- Ah - Ooh - [LIPS SMACKING.]
- Yum.
- Mm! - Ah - [ALL.]
Mm - Yum.