Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.
I've been so busy playing that new video game "Realm of the Tower.
" That's me! I'm a fire elf! Very different from a christmas elf-- I kill stuff! I've been playing online with my new best friend Kilgore.
It's so cool -- he doesn't even know I'm a dog! All right, Kilgore, let's win this battle and get out of the forest.
All these trees are making me want to pee.
Uh, what? I mean, not like a dog, I mean, I-I'm not a dog.
I'm a normal person Who pees on trees! Stan, Tyler is driving me crazy! He keeps tagging the art wall in my room! No matter what I draw, he adds a handlebar mustache to it.
- Are you kidding me?! - I know, right? I just wish someone around here would appreciate art.
You're losing the battle! You're telling me.
What should I do? Throw him into the flaming pit of rondor! Have you heard a single word I've said? Of course.
Throw Tyler into the flaming pit of rondor.
Can't find a flaming pit, just fill his pillowcase with whipped cream.
Whipped cream in the pillowcase.
That's messy and immature.
I love it! Stan, are you still playing that game? You've been going at it for weeks now.
Hold on a sec, Kilgore.
First of all, call me by my avatar name-- "Poodle lover 152.
" I'm pretty sure the other 151 don't love poodles the way I love poodles.
So, are these the creatures you get to fight in battle? Yeah.
I get to drop cave trolls and ice trolls.
And the surprisingly vicious octo-bunny.
The best part is, my battle buddy Kilgore doesn't even know I'm a dog.
Huh? Uh, I think he does now.
I mean, a-- a dog with the ladies.
Dog With a Blog S01E05 World of Woofcraft I think we're almost there.
It's too tight.
It's stretching my face.
I look like aunt Mary after her vacation.
Sweetie, you need to look good for your school picture on Thursday.
Don't want another disaster like last year, do we? This might as well be a picture of the back of your head.
Don't you want to have a nice school picture like Tyler and Avery? Tyler! Actually, it's kind of funny.
Mommy, stop.
My hair doesn't like this.
Well, when you get to school on picture day, you're gonna have to try very hard not to let the red monster take over.
What did you do?! I tried to tell you-- the hair wants what it wants.
If you want me to look good, get my ears pierced.
Your ears pierced? Where is this coming from? My friend Julie got her ears pierced.
Julie's parents--and you can never say this to anyone, it's our little secret-- are stupid-heads.
You'll get your ears pierced when you're ten, like Avery did.
Can't we just say I'm ten? You tell everyone you're thirty-two.
Now you can get them pierced when you're twelve.
Stan, is daddy in the office? Yeah, I'm waiting for him to go out so I can drop a troll.
Don't wait too long-- you'll get a tummyache.
Daddy, can I get my ears pierced? Oh! My little girl is growing up.
Today you want to get your ears pierced.
Soon you're gonna be too old for a neckie-weckie.
I'm already too old for that.
Wow.
Before long, you're gonna be a noted child psychologist like your daddy with a diploma like that on your wall-- Tyler! So, can I get my ears pierced? Of course, princess.
Oh, princess.
King.
Queen.
Wait! Chloes! Hold on, Chloe.
Sweetheart, by any chance did you ask mommy about getting your ears pierced? -Yes.
-And what did mommy say? She said no.
Chloe, I am very disappointed.
Me too! Mommy's being so mean.
No, honey, I'm disappointed in you.
You can't play mom and me against each other like that.
We're on the same side.
We speak with one voice.
Then how come we always do what mommy says? Because that's the voice we speak with.
Does that mean mommy's like the man in the family? No, honey.
Your mom is all woman.
Ooh! Great battle, Kilgore! Yeah! Awesome, poodle lover.
Hey, I gotta go do my homework.
I know what that's like.
We humans and our crazy amounts of homework and our walking on two legs-- wacky stuff! - Hey, talking to Kilgore again? - Yeah.
And it turns out he lives in pasadena too.
We're meeting at the park for "The Realm of the Tower" Game-players gathering.
It's part of their "Get a little sun" Initiative.
Don't you think you're overlooking something? No.
There'll be umbrella hats for the really pale kids.
What about for the talking dogs? Oh, man! I didn't even think about that! And I was so looking forward to getting to meet Kilgore properly, ya know? Lick his face, sniff his butt Hey! I could go with you! You want to lick his face and sniff his butt? No, no.
I mean, I'll pretend like I'm the one who's been playing the game as "Poodle lover.
" Mom can take us to the park, you can come with me as my dog and meet him in the real world, like you want.
But how can you be me? When I play, I have the voice of a brawny, macho barbarian-- As the name "Poodle lover" implies.
What if I say that I use a voice modifier so the boys aren't embarrassed when they lose to a girl? Well, the feminist agenda is a bit gratuitous, but okay.
How will you know what to say? You'll tell me.
It'll be like you're living through me.
I'll beyour real-world avatar.
Yes! If you're gonna see the world through my eyes, you gotta live like a dog-- Eat, sleep and breathe like a dog.
You got a lot of work to do, okay? Lesson one: get off the couch! Perfect.
You're ready.
I want my ears pierced! I want my ears pierced! I want my ears pierced! I want my ears pierced-- Chloe! A tantrum is not going to work! That's how you got earrings.
You are not getting your ears pierced.
Daddy and I made up our minds, and you're gonna have to accept it.
I want my ears pierced! I want my ears pierced Not so fast! Bennett, she's throwing a tantrum.
Well, that's how you got earrings.
You're the child psychologist-- do something.
Well, I could refer her to my article "From pierced ears to lip plates: a slippery slope.
" Do something else.
- I want my ears pierced! - Chloe, come here.
Shh! Listen.
It is time for the lipper zipper.
Now, you want to unzip your lips, You're gonna have to get the key! That's very smart.
Smarter than you think-- I still got the key.
Well, at least I bought us some time.
Yeah, but she's not gonna let this go.
We've gotta do something to distract her so she'll forget all about it.
I'd do it, but I promised Avery I'd take her to some video game thing in the park.
I can't take chloe.
I have patients.
Well, I have run out of patience, To the point where I can't even enjoy that clever wordplay Enough to say, "Good one, Ellen.
" Good one, ellen.
Someone is gonna have to keep Chloe entertained this afternoon.
Not so fast! Oh, you're good.
Mom and dad said I have to do something with you.
What do you want to do? Oh.
I want to get my ears pierced.
- Did you ask mom and dad? - Yes.
Cool! Let's go.
Wow! It's great to see kids getting off the computer and out of the house To get right back on the computer again.
Hey! I think that's the friend I'm meeting.
How do you know? That's my avatar name.
I didn't know you liked poodles.
Apparently you haven't ready my diary.
- No, I have.
There's nothing in there-- - aha! Hmm.
All right, if you need me, I'll be right over there where I can keep an eye on you.
Ooh.
Just stay away from that kid.
Oh, she's not part of the game.
That's "Angry Tina.
" She's really nice.
"Friendly Teddy" had it coming.
Don't let the name fool you.
Let's meet Kilgore! Let's meet Kilgore! Let's meet Kilgore!!! All right, but we gotta play it cool.
I'm cool, baby.
Okay.
I've got the ear piece in.
Is this costume hiding my mouth and headsy? Yeah, it looks good.
Where'd you get that costume, anyway? I made it with some material I found around the house.
I'm off to my speaking engagement.
Show 'em what you got.
Come on, let's go.
- Um, excuse me.
Are you Kilgore? - Yeah.
And who are you? I'm poodle lover 152.
Oh! You're a girl! See, now that name makes sense.
What's that supposed to mean? But online, your voice sounds like A brawny, macho barbarian? That's the setting I use on my voice modifier.
I couldn't choose between that and an amazon warrior princess.
You made the right choice.
So, is it a problem that I'm a girl? Uh, no.
Actually, it's kind of cool.
All right, I'm goin' in for a sniff.
Whoa! C-control your dog! I'm sorry, he's just trying to get to know you.
I didn't get a good whiff! You're scaring him away.
Just stand to the side and feed me your questions.
Fine, just do me a solid and sniff his butt.
I gots to know! I see what you're doing here with your free samples, but I'm a savvy consumer.
You're not just gonna hook me on your product and get me to buy something I don't need.
I will, however, take advantage of your offer for a taste.
Wow! Oh, my--! That's good, thanks.
I'll take this too.
Remember that time we were ambushed by the dream winjin guild and they stole our ring of deshermane? Oh, yeah, that was so depressing.
No! The ring was a booby trap.
It was awesome! And by "Depressing," I mean "Awesome"! That's how we say it at my school.
Depressing! Well, that's cool.
So, besides Realm of the Tower, what do you like to do? I like to chase cars and drink out of the toilet.
Uh, I like car chases and using indoor plumbing.
That's not what I said.
I like hanging out with you.
You're really depressing! Yeah, you too.
I mean, like, totally morose! Hey, guys, how's it goin', have you tried this juice, I've had like ten of 'em, they're great!!! Wow! There's a bird! Okay, kids, have fun now, bye! Sorry, that was my mom.
Does she know how much sugar is in those drinks? Maybe she'll figure it out when that tai-chi class chases her off.
Wow, this is making me thirsty! I gotta go get some more juice! Okay, now ask Kilgore what his favorite leftover meat is.
So, uh, what's your favorite subject in school? "Meat.
" The category was "Leftover meat.
" I love art.
I love art! "Art" Better be the name of the cow you just butchered, because the subject is meat! I have an art wall in my room that I draw on all the time! That is so cool! Hey! Avery-tar! Don't go rogue on me.
Ask him if he can throw a ball.
Most of these kids can't.
You know, you're not exactly what I was expecting.
You're not what I was expecting, either.
By the way, my name's Kevin.
Oh.
My name is Stan.
My name's Avery.
That's it!You are the worst avatar ever! Oh! I-I'm sorry.
My dog can be a real pain the butt! You know, I should probably get going.
But it was really nice meeting you.
Yeah.
You too.
Maybe we'll play online later? Yeah, that'd be depressing! I am not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you, either! Race ya home! I got my ears pierced, I got my ears pierced ? Chloe, don't forget what they said, okay? Your ears might be sore for a couple of days.
I don't care.
?I got my ears pierced-- I got my ears pierced-- ow! I got my ears pierced-- owww! I got my ears What happened to you, mom? Your mother learned that at the end of the gamer juice rainbow is a big ol' pot of hurt.
Thanks for taking Chloe out to get her mind off things.
Is she okay about the ear-piercing? She cried a little at first.
But she couldn't be happier now.
Well, whatever you did worked.
Chloe would not stop yelling when we said she couldn't get her ears pierced.
Good job.
But just think how happy she'll be when she's finally allowed to get her ears pierced at ten.
Ten's tomorrow morning? I got my-- Head in a dish rag ? I got my head in a dish rag ? You know I did not think I would like this juice but I really do like it! You can't handle it but I can clearly handle it! You want me to move anything?! Maybe lift something? Pick you up? We should start a band! I'm lead vocals! You're on guitar! I'll build a stage! We'll call ourselves the raspberries! All right, kilgore, it's taken us three months, but we've made it to the final battle.
Roger that, Avery.
Don't call me that girly name! It's "Poodle lover.
" Oh, hey, is that Kevin? I want to ask if he wants to go to the mall and fly those little helicopters into the hair salon.
Back off.
He's busy playing with his real friend.
I know.
I'll be his friend in the real world.
You'll be his friend in the virtual world.
He was supposed to be my friend in both worlds, And now he calls me "Avery.
" You're being ridiculous.
- Hey, Kevin! - What are you doing?! The battle's begun! I just want to talk to him.
What's going on with your voice modifier, poodle lover? - I turend it off.
- But it's back on now.
- Now it's broken! - Fixed it! Quit messin' around! We're getting annihilated! Great.
We lost.
What?! Now I have to start the level all over! That's what I get for playing with a stupid girl! You're weirder than your mother! Oh, no! Kilgore just killed me and stole all my weapons and spells! And just called me as weird as my mother.
Of all the hurtful things he could have said! And my mule! I had a flying mule! Sure, he was stubborn, but he could go anywhere! Can't you just get more stuff? It took me three months to collect all this stuff! I thought Kilgore was my friend, and he betrayed me.
None of this would have happened if you had just stayed out of it! It's all your fault! Could you please open the door for me? Leave me alone!? No! We have to get those earrings out, okay? Your pictures are today.
If you take them out, my new holes will close.
If we leave them in, mom and dad will put new holes in me.
You never told me they said no.
You never asked.
Stop saying something I would say! Now give me those earrings! Tyler, what are you doing with Chloe? Uh, just helping her get ready for her school pictures, making sure we hide those hideous ears.
What? Her ears are adorable! Adorable?! She's got the ears of a fruit bat! Hey, I heard that.
Of course you did.
Chloe, come on, let's get that hair pulled back off your face.
No! I think she looks much better with her hair loose and flowing.
- What do you care? - Loose and flowing is in.
- I want to see her face.
- Faces are out! - Give me her hair! - No! - I'm her mother! - Look! Oh, for goodness' sake! What is going on? Her tiny bat head needs warmth.
I want people to see my earrings.
Why didn't you tell me this happened? You never asked? You're not playing your game? What's the point? Look, Stan, I'm really sorry.
I didn't think about how much Kevin meant to you.
- "Kilgore.
" - Right.
Look, you knew him first, and I should have respected that.
I just thought that finally I had a real friend.
What are you talking about? I'm your friend.
I know you care about me, but it's just different.
I'm your dog.
I had a chance at a real friendship with Kilgore because he didn't know I was a dog.
But I don't care that you're a dog.
We'd be friends if you were a dog or a person or a cat.
I care about who you are, not what you are.
- Really? - Yeah.
Now, Stan, I've told you things i've never told anyone else You make me feel better when I'm sad You're the best friend I've ever had.
You're the best friend I've ever had.
I got so caught up, I just forgot that.
I'm sorry.
You know, when you're best friends, whatever happens, you always stay friends.
I love you, Avery.
I love you too, Stan.
Did you just call me a cat a minute ago? Hey, you know, Kilgore was never a real friend, anyways.
Friends don't stab other friends in the back.
He actually cleaved me down the middle with a broadsword, not to split hairs.
which he also did.
Well, then There's only one thing for us to do.
Okay, Avery, it wont be easy taking Kilgore down in his lair.
We have to mount a perfectly coordinated attack.
Follow very carefully in my footsteps - and do exactly-- - all right, time's up.
Let's do this! Avery Jennings!!! Oh, my god, she just ran in! Stick to the plan! Use your soul stone! What's a soul stone?! W-what are you doing? Knock it off! Hey, Kilgore, say hello to my real friend-- Her name is Avery, and she's got a battle ax to grind! Yeah, that's right, Kevin! How does it feel losing to a girl? Not that-- don't do that! Don't do that! No!!!! Holy cow! You beat him! I have no idea what I did! So after a swift yet fierce battle, Poodle lover 152 and "Stan rocks"-- That's what she gets for saying, "You pick my name, I don't care" -- Celebrated their glorious triumph.
It's kinda cool-- We realized we were closer than we thought, And then we get even closer than we've ever been.
And something else kind of cool came out of this-- I discovered gamer juice.
This stuff is great! I don't know how I ever lived without it! I been chasing stuff all day! I want to watch tv! I want to watch tv! I want to watch tv!!! - You've got to be kidding.
- Oh, boy.
I know we had to punish her for the earring thing, But did we have to take away tv? Feel like we're the ones being punished.
Look, I wish we'd come up with something clever like we did to punish Tyler for all that mustache nonsense.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'll see you at school.
Bye.
Morning, Tyler.
Sleep well? Yeah.
And thanks for understanding that the whole earring thing wasn't my fault.
We'd never punish you for something that wasn't your fault.
I'm running late.
I gotta go.
I'm walking that cute new girl to school.
Okay, have a good day.
Remember, if she doesn't have a sense of humor, she's not for you.
What? You'll understand when you're older By about an hour.
Did we go too far? It was a little unorthodox parenting, but I think it was warranted.
Besides, it's not like you used permanent marker.
Oh, I did.
Good one, Ellen.
I want a mustache! I want a mustache! I want a mustache!!! - Ohh - Grant me the strength I want a mustache!