Dollface (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Hey! Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?! Oh! I was watching you surf.
Well, that wasn't me, I surfed two hours ago.
I get up much earlier than you do.
This is the same reason I hate watching football.
You can't tell anyone apart! COLIN: Ah.
MADISON: Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
COLIN: How on earth did you learn to punch like that? MADISON: Well, earlier this year, Stella and I went to this bonfire where Stella ended up meeting her "Ayurvedic soul mate" or whatever.
But it turned out, he had a girlfriend who got drunk and lit Stella's fashion poncho on fire.
We brought top-shelf tequila, so technically no one should've been upset about anything, but people are irrational.
Anyhoo, we were like, that obviously can't ever happen again.
We need to know how to protect ourselves, so, we enrolled in a self-defense class.
- Wait.
Which one is Stella again? - Unironically owned a rabbit, dated her therapist, sometimes house-sits for Macklemore.
I thought Stella was the, uh, sad girl who doesn't wash her hair, the one with the cat.
- Yeah, no, that's Jules.
- Okay, so then Izzy is the one who just broke up with her boyfriend, brought a puzzle to a bar.
No, that's also Jules.
- I wanna meet them.
- What? Wait I thought we had to keep things private until the divorce finalized? Well, that's true, but I know how you hate it that I don't know your friends, and I wanna meet them.
You know, if she gets the house, she gets the house.
I'm kidding.
Let's do dinner, all of us.
I can't imagine you've actually kept me a secret from them, have you? - No, I have.
- Are you lying? - I am.
- Then let's do dinner! All of us.
Your place.
Come on.
Oh, God.
I mean, oh good! Because I definitely know how to cook.
Unless if you think it's too awkward, you know, with the age difference and everything.
No, no way! My friends are crazy mature for their age.
I mean, I can't remember a time when we weren't discussing our portfolios and deductibles, or 2008.
Do you think Gordon Gekko is coming for dinner? The lizard in the commercials? He has a name? Never mind.
It was - Oh, right, from the - I was just kidding.
- Obviously.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
This is gonna be great.
[LAUGHS.]
[WHISPERING.]
: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck [POP INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CAT MEWS.]
It wasn't me.
[CAT PURRING.]
JULES: Again, Turtle? [GROANS.]
God, and I'm hosting Ramona's bachelorette party today.
I don't need this.
[TURTLE MEWS.]
Don't give me that look, I don't feel bad for you.
Just because you miss Jeremy's dog doesn't mean you can just fly off the handle.
Get your emotions under control! - [MEOWS.]
- CAT LADY: If I may, you two are in a destructive cycle of conflict.
Come with me.
We need to open this up.
[TURTLE MEWS.]
Jules, our goal is to remove the blockages that are stopping you from connecting with Turtle.
You're the one who agreed to be Ramona's bridesmaid, not him.
My only blockage is my cat destroying my kitchen on the one day it needed to look like the kitchen of a person who is healthy and adjusted and not completely heartbroken over anyone's brother.
Remember, Jules, it's not you against Turtle, it's you and Turtle against the problem.
Why don't you talk about how you're feeling as opposed to what you're thinking? I feel like I think Ramona needs to see that I'm doing amazing and report that back to Jeremy.
Do you think that maybe what's going on is that you're not over your breakup and instead, you're making the problem about your cat? Exactly.
The real problem is the cat.
Turtle is sad because when we moved out of Jeremy's, we had to leave Johnny Drama and now he's acting out.
But I can fix this.
For the record, this session was unproductive! It's only weird if you make it weird.
- [TURTLE MEWS.]
- JULES: There you go.
See, Turtle? Feeling better already.
MAN: Hey, uh, so I feel a little weird to just come up and tell you this, but Oh, God.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, I'm sure plenty of people come here hoping for a pet-inspired meet-cute situation, and I'm very flattered, but it is not a great time for me.
You just stepped in shit.
[DOG YIPPING.]
Lucky for you, I am kind of a compulsive cleaner.
Here.
Um, I'm really sorry, by the way, about that whole speech before, um Honestly, I just got a little freaked out because I thought you were gonna hit on me.
MAN: Right, and I would obviously freak you out because upon first glance, I'm either totally revolting or seem like a serial killer? No.
Nope.
No, it's not that.
You, you don't seem like a serial killer, trust me.
I mean, not "trust me" like I have experience with serial killers, because I don't.
I mean, I don't think I do just because I'm alive? Anyway, I'm Jules.
This is Turtle.
I'm Wes, this is Ollie.
So is Turtle one of those species-fluid cats? Very woke of him.
Well, he's used to being around a dog and, um, he's been a little depressed lately, so I thought this might be a good idea.
- I don't know, is that crazy? - No, it's not crazy at all.
A lot of people don't realize it, but animals can struggle with separation anxiety, and all sorts of mental health problems that people do.
What are you, a cat doctor? Most people just say "veterinarian," but, yeah, I guess technically I'm a doctor of cats and such.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Well I just put my foot in my mouth.
I'd strongly advise against that given the circumstances.
Anyway, I don't want to take up your time or be that vet at a dog park handing out his card, but just in case something comes up.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
WES: Hey.
Follow me.
[BREEZY JAZZ PLAYING.]
[KITCHEN TIMER DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
It legit smells fucked up in here.
I'm getting notes of a burnt something.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
I set Ina Garten on fire during the third chicken.
Toasted book, that's what I was smelling.
Less judging, more helping.
Colin's gonna be here in an hour and I've gotta cook something that 46-year-olds eat.
My grandpa always gets it up for a nice piece of fish.
I'm sorry, can your grandfather's boner not be a part of this conversation? Hey, don't hate on my grandfather's boner.
I wouldn't be here without my grandfather's boner.
Is this a Gucci belt in your silverware drawer? This is my overflow closet.
I don't cook a lot.
Why don't we just Postmates? You know, maybe the Postmates guy will be cute, and then you can go on a date with him instead of cooking dinner for this old fuck.
Stella, was I this unsupportive that time you dated that mime? Yes.
You called him "Quiet Clown" and then kicked him out of your birthday dinner.
Well, he made me wanna myself.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Colin wants to meet you guys, so this dinner has to be elegant, adult and sophisticated.
Which reminds me, no one can act like themselves.
- I have experience with that.
- Izzy, don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog.
Ooh! Or how you got that permanent bottom retainer.
Or that dream where you're a Christmas tree.
And don't call things "fire.
" It never sounds natural when you say it.
Really? "That dress is fire.
That dress is fire.
" I just want to painstakingly construct an aura of sophistication and maturity that is both effortless and natural.
This feels like the domestic equivalent of faking an orgasm.
You know, they're never gonna get better if we keep pretending.
It is not pretending.
It's like when you put on tinted moisturizer, clear brow gel, brown mascara, loose setting powder, and matte lip balm in order to achieve a carefully crafted makeup-free look.
Holy shit.
Can you repeat that? I gotta write it down.
Just stick to the areas of conversation that make us seem worldly and cosmopolitan.
The following is a list of dinner party approved topics: "The dangers of social media, the absence of the middle class, "travel anxiety, Lipitor, classic rock, airline reward points, and Frasier.
" Stella, I need you to email that list to Jules.
Okay, that's adorable you think I listened to that - and could regurgitate it into an email.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
Jules says she's gonna be late, she has her cousin's bachelorette party.
Don't mention the bachelorette party to Colin, it makes it sound slutty and young.
- [SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING.]
- Oh, my God! Did someone turn on the oven? IZZY: You were trying to cook a whole chicken on the stove.
MADISON: No! Shit, I keep my heels in there! It doesn't feel like it was my responsibility to know that.
MADISON: My shoes! My Louboutins! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Another supermodel is ready for the runway.
- What do you think? - [WOMEN GASP, SHRIEK.]
- Oh, my God! - [RAMONA MOUTHING WORDS.]
Oh, my God.
It screams "me.
" You are getting the full Dallas treatment today.
Oh! Thank you to my besties for being here.
Especially my girls who flew out from Texas.
Oh! You brought like a little bit of home here to L.
A.
for my batch weekend.
Hash tag HolyMatramona, tag your Instas.
Oh, uh, quick housekeeping announcement from the maid of honor.
For those of you who haven't, if you could Venmo me the $576 for the tea, sachets, decor and hotel.
Oh, and that doesn't include the party bus or dinner this evening.
Now, gettin' into games, let's each go around and talk about the first time we met Ramona.
- [CROWD APPLAUDING.]
- Miss Maid of Honor, you have one minute for your answer.
I'll never forget the first time I met Ramona.
It was the first day of kindergarten, and her Barbie lent my Barbie the most incredible pair of plastic open-toed espadrilles.
- Thank you, Miss Maid of Honor.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Miss Friend from Camp? Ramona and I made friendship bracelets that we promised we'd give our daughters one day.
- CROWD: Aw! - Whoo! Go Camp Wannaweepweep! [WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE.]
Miss Dumped by the Bride's Brother? Uh Hi.
I'll repeat the question.
When did you first meet Ramona? Um, I think it's when I came to a Thanksgiving.
- With Jeremy.
- [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
[SCATTERED EXCLAMATIONS.]
Are you still harboring secret and unresolved feelings for him? - No one else got a second question.
- It's a two-parter.
I mean, am I completely over it? Define "completely.
" Define "over.
" Define "it.
" It must be so hard to put on a brave face in a situation that is so obviously totally crushing you.
Uh, did we do away with swimsuit? Because I feel like that's gonna be more comfortable than this.
[MARIO SCREAMS.]
Something just touched my foot! - [HAIR SIZZLES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
I'm so sorry about your face, Ramona.
Turtle has been acting out lately.
I I totally understand if you don't want me to be in your wedding anymore.
Are you kidding? You can't back out, not because of your cat, and not because of my idiot little brother either, okay? Dumping you before my wedding was so selfish of him.
Yeah, that was my first thought after the breakup too.
- This isn't about Jer, right? - No.
No, no, no.
No.
You're an only child as far as I'm concerned.
I'm just glad you're not mad at me.
Oh, it wasn't your fault.
Just tell me, is it bad? - [FRIENDS COUGH QUIETLY.]
- No.
- [MURMURING.]
- Oh, gosh no.
[SLURPING.]
JULES: Hey, Mads.
My thing ended early because of a third-degree burn situation, so I'm just gonna wash my face and head over Change of plans.
We're having dinner at your place.
Oh, my God, what is this? - My cousin's bachelorette party.
- The party was here? Fuck the dangers of social media, this is what Instagram stories are for.
I swear I know the model for this.
Why would you move the dinner party to my house? Because Izzy set my shoes on fire and I didn't know you were hosting a penis festival.
[LAUGHS.]
Penis festival.
Okay, everyone split up.
Colin's gonna be here any minute.
Hide the dicks.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, I think we got it all.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
IZZY: It won't deflate! It's too hard! - Try stepping on the balls.
- IZZY: Okay.
Knock-knock.
I brought Pinot.
Welcome to my home.
Uh, everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.
COLIN: Hey, girls.
That's quite the large penis you have there.
MADISON: It's an art installation.
Uh, Jules is really into feminist modernism.
Yep.
I got it at a gallery.
Cool.
Cool.
Which one? It's just called, um, Gallery.
It's minimalist.
Stella, Izzy, why don't you guys make Colin a drink from the bar cart that houses various types of aged and unaged alcohols? Sit down, honey.
Jules, I need your help in the kitchen.
Perfect.
Well, feel free to make yourself at Normally I would have questions about why you look like a Dolly Parton impersonator, but we need to focus.
The bachelorette party had this guy doing makeovers.
What, and you did something to make him hate you? I can see your line.
- My what? - Your line.
The completely unblended line where your foundation dead-ends into the rest of your neck.
The line that screams, "In case you were wondering, this is not at all what I actually look like!" Oh, is it anything like the line between normal Madison and the person who keeps rearranging the same six Brussels sprouts on that plate like a culinary Rain Man? We can insult each other later.
Right now, I need this dinner to go perfectly.
Colin seems like a pretty chill guy.
Look, I know he says he doesn't care how mature I am, but his beach house says otherwise.
Look, his ex-wife was obviously an incredible homemaker and had the interior design instincts of Jonathan Adler.
So tonight has to be the definition of sophistication.
Who's hungry? Ah.
Izzy, Stella, can you help set the table? You know how we normally do during all the dinner parties we're constantly throwing.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- COLIN: I got it.
Hey.
Hey.
Is this Jules' place? I'm Steve.
I'm here for the party.
- Sure, come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
Jules, your friend Steve's here.
Oh, my God.
Hello, Steve.
Uh So good of you to come.
Welcome.
[SOFTLY.]
Who the fuck is that? It's not not the stripper from the bachelorette party I forgot to cancel.
- Jules! - Handling it.
Handling it.
Make you a drink? You look like an old-fashioned kind of guy.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yeah, sure, just an old-fashioned Jager and Red Bull for me.
Okay.
Oh, my No-no-no-no! Oh, boy! We should, uh, it's cold, right? So we should just leave the coat on, I think.
Oh, okay, whatever you want.
You're paying for it.
Uh, look, uh, Steve, listen.
There's been a little misunderstanding, okay? And, uh, I think we really need to talk before this night goes completely off the rails.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING.]
We don't have a lot of time, Steve.
We have to switch gears quickly! [SALOON PIANO PLAYING DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK.]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
I'm very, very sorry no one called to cancel, but, uh, tonight you are not a stripper.
Okay, Steve? You're a guest at a dinner party.
You understand what I'm saying? Got it.
I am a "guest" at a dinner party.
Ooh, Steve, I feel like you're not following and it is very important that we get on the same page right now.
Okay? Who are you tonight? I am a "guest" at a "dinner party.
" No air quotes, Steve.
The air quotes are very concerning.
This is a matter of life or death.
[DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES.]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
If this night is a train wreck, Madison is going to kill me.
No sandwiches! We're as ready as we'll ever be, Steve.
We have to jump.
Come on! [DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES.]
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Whoa! Uh Keep that closed, Steve.
[BOTH YELL.]
What were you two up to in there? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Kissing.
COLIN: This chicken is delicious, Mads.
I thought your knowledge of food ended with takeout from Fat Dragon.
We always get takeout when we have our French cinema marathons.
Oh, honey, we should watch Moulin Rouge again.
Fully Australian film, shot in Australia.
Anyway, uh, I don't always have time to cook, I'm a very busy girl uh, woman, very busy woman.
Oh, but it's such a treat to casually throw together a gourmet chicken and nine sides.
Oh, wow.
You are really extra right now.
Extra great wife material.
[LAUGHS.]
Not that you need a wife.
Or have ever had one.
Or still do.
Never mind.
We weren't supposed to talk about this.
Divorce.
Honey, uh, would you like more mac and cheese? Uh, yeah, please, yeah.
Have I ever told you about the, uh, mac and cheese at my favorite spot in New Orleans? Oh, we're supposed to go in February for Mardi Gras.
Last time we were there, I met this guy who had the biggest fetish for a Chicken! Anyone want seconds? There's so much chicken here.
Colin, you? Uh [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, maybe later.
- JULES: Okay.
- Or, right now is good, yeah.
There's something that tastes so familiar about it.
Ass play.
That was the fetish.
Sorry, I got cut off before.
COLIN: Cool.
So everyone psyched for the weekend? - Oh my God, are you going, too? - Going where? - The Weeknd.
- Yeah, but I'm asking where.
IZZY: Oh, they haven't announced it yet, but it's supposed to be a really small venue, really intimate, and The Hadids might be there, but who knows.
Okay, so a concert.
[CHUCKLES.]
IZZY: Yeah.
Who's playing? The Weeknd.
You're the one who pretended to be someone else, right? Hmm.
Maybe I can be helpful, Colin.
Um, the Weeknd is a singer, whose real name is Abel, and he has some cool tunes.
They're called bops.
"I Can't Feel My Face When I'm with You"? It's one of the greatest love songs of our time.
Right.
Yeah.
So does, uh, anyone else have anything they'd like to say? - I read something kind of cool.
- Anyone other than Steve? It was in the Wall Street Journal, about how interest rates are at their highest mark since 2011, yet consumers Aren't able to generate enough income to put money into savings.
Yeah, I saw that.
Do you think it's going to have an impact on the housing market? It's hard to say, you know.
If first-time homebuyers aren't able to put together a down payment COLIN: I know, well then what difference does it make how many jumbo loans they can string together? It's pick your poison.
I know, that's exactly what I've been saying.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES, SNIFFS.]
What do you do again, Steve? [GULPS.]
I'm a guest at a dinner party.
[JULES COUGHS.]
Living in the moment.
I love this guy.
On that note, I want to propose a toast.
This dinner was all about bringing together a group of like-minded adults who've really made an impact on my life.
My boyfriend Colin my best friends in the world Jules, Stella, Izzy and Steve.
So let's all raise a glass.
[TURTLE GROWLING.]
Let's all raise a glass.
[TURTLE RETCHING.]
JULES: Please excuse me while I excuse myself, please.
Oh shit! Turtle ate a bag of dicks! - [TURTLE YOWLS.]
- Thank you so much for coming.
I didn't know who else to call.
Don't worry.
You did the right thing.
Do you have any idea how many dicks he ate? Um, well, I think he got through most of the cookie dicks, but there were also gummy dicks and like a marshmallow dick, I think.
It's really important I know exactly what was in it.
JULES: Um, well, it's still in the garbage, let me look.
Boston Market.
That's what I was tasting.
Jules, can you stop the dumpster dive, please? I'm looking for what he ate, okay? Colin, for the record, I did cook a chicken.
- Just not the one you ate.
- IZZY: She did.
She tried.
She cooked like five chickens, and probably would have kept going if we didn't set her shoes on fire in the oven.
Guys, it's really fine.
When I was in my 20s, I couldn't make a bowl of cereal without screwing something up.
But look at him now.
Sixty years later and he's a doctor.
Ow! How old do you think I am? Speaking of doctors, how loose are you with health insurance if I need to get a checkup to get scuba certified? Uh not loose.
He's totally fine, he vomited everything up.
You know, I just think Turtle could maybe use a little space, if you guys don't mind clearing out.
This is great, Jules.
This is going really well.
Your cat's having an exorcism, and my boyfriend thinks I'm an 11-year-old who's more equipped - to make myself Lucky Charms than - WES: Wait! - He didn't eat Lucky Charms, did he? - No.
I can't believe you're trying to make this my fault.
I mean, why the hell would you tell Colin we're sophisticated in the first place? We brought Taco Bell to a Friendsgiving last weekend.
Well, sorry for wanting to come off a little more mature.
Have you never wanted to make yourself a little bit better than you actually are? Are you kidding? I'm constantly trying to seem better than I am.
I wanna seem like I'm totally happy being single with my girlfriends and not still heartbroken all the time.
Well, I didn't realize you were still feeling that way and I think it's really brave of you to admit that.
Well, I think you don't have to try so hard because you're already perfect the way you are and any guy you're dating should be able to see that.
Well, I really appreciate that coming from you 'cause you are my best friend and I'm so happy you're back in my life.
Guys, I think we should all kind of take a breather here.
You know, maybe listen to some music.
Alexa, play party music.
ALEXA: Okay.
["THE STROKE" BY BILLY SQUIER PLAYING.]
- [GASPS.]
- Now, everybody Have you heard? - If you're in the game - Steve? Then the stroke's the word Don't take no rhythm - Don't take no style - [IZZY SHRIEKS.]
Got a thirst for killing - [SHRIEKS.]
- Grab your vial, yeah - [WOMEN GASPING.]
- Whoo! IZZY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Put your right hand out - Ooh! - Give a firm handshake Whoa.
Talk to me About that one big break Spread your ear pollution Both far and wide Keep your contributions - Steve? - By your side And stroke me, stroke me Could be a winner, boy, and move mighty well Stroke me, stroke me Uh, Steve? Colin, I may have slightly exaggerated the maturity levels of my friends and I.
Whoo! Yes! Do you have Venmo? I'm so Venmoing you! Save on haircuts, save on car wash, save on Smog Check.
What makes you say that? Look, I'm sorry I got so crazy tonight.
I was just so happy you wanted to know my friends and - STELLA: Whoo! - now you do.
Any chance this is endearing? It's entirely endearing.
Oh, remind me to get Steve's email before I go.
I want to send him this Forbes article about emerging markets.
Oh, my God.
Thank you again for coming to a stranger's house to solve a very weird problem.
Trust me, I've seen weirder.
There was a situation with a ferret and a box of tampons.
I don't think I'll ever be able to get that image out of my head.
Well, could you do me a favor and get this out of your head? Because, uh, this is not my normal evening look.
Oh, yeah, I don't remember your eyelids being quite so cerulean? Yeah, I guess I was just, um pretending to be something I'm not.
In a lot of ways.
Hey, I I completely get that.
I pretend, too, sometimes.
For example, I once gave my card to a woman under the guise that she would call me if she needed a vet, but really, I just wanted her to call me.
How about I call you if Turtle eats another dick? Or if he doesn't.
Or if he doesn't.
- ["A LOVE SONG" BY LADYHAWKE PLAYING.]
- Life is always meant to replay No heartbreak, no more today This could be my life But it's only words To make me feel right When the meaning's blurred You've opened my eyes To the oldest tale of time This is what a love song sounds like This could be my life But it's only words To make me feel right When the meaning's blurred You've opened my eyes To the oldest tale of time This is what a love song Love song sounds like, sounds like