Donny! (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [upbeat music.]
Welcome back to today's show.
If you're just joining us, I am boldly going where no man has gone before.
I am revealing the sexual secrets that happily married men keep from their wives.
Dr.
Shahan, why is this not a good thing? Donny, keeping secrets causes what we call "secret stress.
" Secret stress it's a thing we invented just yesterday.
Now let's review the secrets we've covered so far in the show.
Number one: the ejaculation calculation.
The average happily married man has sex 1.
2 times a week, but the average man is ejaculating four times a week.
Do the math.
That's 2.
8 missing ejaculations a week.
Men actually are masturbating That's daytime science hard at work.
Number two: men watch a ton of porn.
Three times a week, the average man is watching an hour of porn.
And we've seen a large uptick in what we call "boredom porn.
" Oh, God, I can't believe I agreed to this show.
Time to move on to number three, Donny.
Here's the one that I've been looking forward to.
I need a happily married couple in the audience.
Raise your hand and volunteer.
I see a lo Oh, I see a lot.
Okay.
Sir, you look like a very, very happily married man.
- What is your name? - Rafi.
- And this is your beautiful - I'm Janelle.
Janelle, wife, married? - Wife.
- Good.
When you're having sex, who is your physical partner? She's right here.
When you're having sex, who's your mental partner? Um, she's she's all I need.
Here's the interesting fact, guys.
The reality is, almost 60% of the time when men are having sex with women who they love having sex with, they're actually thinking about somebody else.
Doctor? Healthy, right? That's more than healthy.
It's normal.
I always say, share without shame, because what is there to be ashamed of? Let's get back to you, Raf, all right? Is there ever a time when you're physically making love to your beautiful wife that mentally you're making love to somebody else? Sharing is caring.
- Mm - Mm.
Probably I would probably say my seventh-grade social studies teacher.
[all gasping.]
Mm.
That's what you're thinking about when you're in the bed with me? [laughter.]
You just said it was okay to answer it, though.
I didn't say it was okay.
But, Janelle, this is fantasy, and it's okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's okay.
It's not like he's cheating on you.
He's here down here.
Up here, he can go wherever he wants.
- Could I share something as well with you? - Absolutely.
The ladies are nodding more than the men, by the way.
I which doesn't make any sense to me.
Well, Tyrese is one of my favorites.
Tyrese, ladies.
[applause.]
Sometimes I'll go with Brad Pitt.
Good choice.
She's sharing this with you.
This is good.
I got a couple more to share.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Oh, do you now? - Carmen Electra.
- Nice.
President Obama.
Commander in Chief.
Condoleezza Rice.
Stop them.
I can't take it.
This is what we call sharing.
Let's hear it for our happy couple here.
[applause.]
Ladies, I want you to give your man at home the Man-Up Sexual Quiz.
Okay, on the website we're showing it.
Today it's about sharing, and sharing is caring.
We will be right back.
Up next, your man is cheating, he's cheating more than you know, and maybe that's a good thing.
Don't go anywhere.
You two stay out of trouble, all right? And cut for a shower.
This is a filthy, filthy show.
[upbeat music.]
We better beat Dr.
Phil in the ratings after what we just did, because I feel gross.
No.
What we did today was good.
Just because you like to overshare everything in your gross, perverted brain doesn't mean the rest of us should.
And what is going on with these crumbs? Did you eat a challah loaf? Oh, I had my muffin.
Hansel and Gretel in here.
Meanwhile, your J-school buddy Elizabeth, like hottest body of all time, thank you for introducing me to her.
I did not introduce you to her.
You busted up our lady lunch, and then you somehow charmed her, which I don't get.
I do charm.
I'll tell you though, it is a new thing for me, sitting with a woman and actually wanting to listen to what she says.
Yeah, that must be really different for you to date someone with a brain.
She's smart, she's beautiful, hot in the sack, and actually, that surprised me, because I was always on this whole theory, this kind of inverse sack intelligence theory, that the smarter a girl is, the longer it takes you to get into bed.
Not true.
She was, boom, right in there.
I do not want to hear any of your sack stories about my friend.
That's oversharing.
Meanwhile, what's with the new guy, Charlie? How's that going? Charlie, um, he's okay.
He's kind of boring in that finance kind of way, but he's really sweet.
Give him the Donny Deutsch Man-Up Sexual Quiz.
No.
Just because USA's digital team doesn't want to tell you no, I'm here to tell you that that quiz is creepy.
I am super excited to give this quiz to my boyfriend.
- Of course you are.
- Sharing is caring.
- Boom.
- See? This is where she's my favorite.
Go home to your boyfriend, give him the quiz, and just let the magic happen.
Thanks.
By the way, Elizabeth called.
She said she doesn't want to wait until tonight, so she's coming over at 3:00.
Hottest body of all time.
[jazz music.]
- Hey, gorgeous girl.
- Hi.
What a nice surprise.
I wasn't expecting you so early.
What's going on? Writer's block.
I needed a break.
You see today's show, by the way? I'm sorry, it's just, I have been swamped with this story on Saudi Arabia and the Sunnis and the Shiites and, you know, the usual rabbit hole.
You might want to think about bringing the Kurds into that.
Hmm.
How do you figure? Uh you know, you got the Kurds.
The Kurds? The Kurds are Kurds, man.
Hey, why don't we order something to eat? Not hungry, but I would love it if you could help me with my writer's block.
All right, let's see, we can spitball some ideas.
I'm good at that.
Yeah, no, I think you might be, but can we maybe do it upstairs? Oh, let's go unblock you.
"Donny's Man-Up Sexual Quiz! "Questions for ladies to ask their man "to free their relationship from secret stress.
Number one, when was the last time that you loved yourself?" Aww.
"Number two, have you ever loved yourself with anything other than your hand?" - Got it.
- There you go.
Oh, my God, have you seen number nine? No, I'm looking at number seven.
"Note to female quiz-giver: "If you want an honest answer to this question, "you have to give your man a free pass.
Have you ever cheated on me?" This whole thing is sexist bullcrap.
Like I'm gonna give my man a free pass? These are not men things.
They're people things.
We do this just as much as men.
He doesn't understand women at all.
Never tell him that.
This could be the most offensive thing he's ever done.
Oh, God, you're right.
[exhales.]
Thanks for the unblocking.
Want a muffin? Oh, no, thank you.
I like a little nosh afterwards.
Did you see my show today by some chance? We did this whole thing, um, how when people have sex, they think about somebody else, especially, like, men.
You mean like your brain bang.
God, I love how smart you are.
You know what else is smart? Using overstock.
com.
High-quality products at the best prices possible from a place you can trust.
Overstock.
com.
I'm sorry.
I you're okay? What just happened? Nothing.
Where were we? Okay, um, so who have you brain banged? You know, normal stuff.
Right down the middle.
Centerfolds, models.
But here's the weird part.
Today, and I'm never usually like this, my mental partner and my physical partner were both you.
Oh.
Oh, that is so nice.
Thank you.
I mean, I know it's nice.
Were you thinking about somebody else? [sighs.]
You know, sometimes, famous people just make cameos without my permission.
They just pop in.
Really? So tell me.
You really want to know? I mean, I'm like Mr.
Share.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me.
I'm cool.
Okay, well, it varies.
I mean, sometimes it could be Mike Huckabee or Rand Paul, Rachel Maddow, oh, Anderson Cooper.
Anderson Cooper's gay.
So hot.
Today was Bill O'Reilly.
- O'Reilly? - You asked.
I'm doing you, and you're thinking about O'Reilly.
You know, he's got a lot of charisma.
Is it, like, anger sex? Is it, like, right-wing sex? Does it matter? I mean, no, no.
Why would it matter? Got it.
It's all cool.
It's all good.
- You sure? - Uh-huh.
Okay.
Your friend Elizabeth, major news fetish.
What's wrong with that? You love news and politics.
Yeah, but not in the bedroom.
One of her mental partners was Bill O'Reilly.
I don't know.
I just found that, like, ew.
Are you ready to admit that maybe some things are better left unsaid? No.
No, there are going to be speed bumps, but sharing is caring.
We'll get it back in line.
- Don't you worry.
- [sighs.]
What's wrong? You don't seem yourself.
Charlie and I broke up because, for some reason, I listened to you and I gave him your dumb Man-Up Sexual Quiz.
You told me you weren't going to do that.
Tequila happened, so I decided to give it to him as a joke, and then he thought it would be funny to turn the tables on me, and now we both know stuff about each other that we can't unknow.
Like, what do you mean? I think the main problem was the sharing of the kink.
He, um, said that he had had sex with a robot.
Some trade show in Japan.
He said she looked really, really real, like, nipples.
Japanese, man.
All right, what did you share? Oh, uh, I'm not oversharing anymore.
- Come on, one thing.
- No.
Any, like, lesbian stuff? Don't worry about it.
You we'll figure it out.
All right, who's taken the quiz? My boyfriend watched 11 different types of porn yesterday, all over the house.
Men are pigs.
Okay, that's a good thing.
That means it's out in the open.
You guys can rally around it and be closer.
No.
I really liked him.
Violet, it's fine.
Everybody watches porn.
All men watch porn.
And women.
- Not as much as men.
- [sighs.]
Not everybody's twisted like you, okay? Dude, yes, we are.
Despite your whole progressive TV "persona," you are actually a naive sexist.
I'm not a sexist.
Women love me.
Did it even occur to you that all of those men's secrets you revealed are women's secrets too? Not mine.
Men are at a whole different level.
No, there's no level.
It's all one level.
I knew you were going to say that, so I pulled some stats.
What do you mean, stats? All real stats from real studies.
"Number one, 92% of women regularly take time out to masturbate.
" Oh, I'm sorry, to love themselves.
Women who are not satisfied.
"72% of women fantasize about other men they know, not their partner.
" Sometimes, I think of our FedEx guy.
"Women cheat almost as much as men, but we are better at lying about it.
" There is no way.
It's just not possible.
"Women now have more sexual partners than men.
" Boom.
I mean, I had to stop counting, actually.
They start younger, and it's often with men and women.
I am so disturbed right now.
You can get anything on the Internet, all right? These are facts.
These are cold, hard, dirty, disgusting facts.
Okay, in other news, Elizabeth is set to come over tonight.
- I like her.
- Me too.
I bet Elizabeth watches porn.
And then loves herself.
She doesn't need porn.
She doesn't need to pleasure herself.
She's got moi.
- Ugh.
- Oh, God, Donny.
[grunts.]
I believe we call that a home run.
I call it a Grand Slam.
I'm assuming O'Reilly wasn't here, right? Nope.
Just you and me.
Wait, is there something in your bed? Oh, of course.
Muffin crumbs.
Yeah, Pam wasn't exaggerating when she called you a man-child.
All right, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I'll get something to clean them up.
You hold those as a souvenir.
- Oh, you want some? - As a memento.
No, no, they're for you.
I got 'em special for you.
[toilet flushes.]
[faucet runs.]
[buzzing.]
Mmm.
[moans.]
What's that buzzing? [laughs.]
What we just did was great.
It's just that sometimes I need an encore.
I don't understand.
An encore? You were, like, so super satisfied.
No, no, I was.
I just Sometimes I like to get an extra lap, so I travel with tech support.
This is, um, a scorpion.
That's a sex toy? I mean, it looks like it would hurt.
Are you a little uptight right now, Donny Deutsch? No, but I thought you were good with me.
I am.
I just, you know You're all about sharing everything, so I thought I would just be open with you.
In fact, I was hoping that you would stay and maybe help? I-I wouldn't know what to do, and the tail I think it wants you.
Oh, I'm sure you can figure it out.
No, no, no, no, it would be crowded if I stayed.
Here, you stay with the scorpion.
Okay.
- You don't want this either? - No, thank you.
Okay, all right, you guys will be okay.
[buzzing.]
I don't have a battery.
That's not fair to compare.
Shh! [jazz music.]
So Elizabeth she's an interesting lady.
I mean, she's got, like, O'Reilly up here, and she's got, like, gyrating insect toys down there, and I haven't figured out how to bring the whole thing together and make it work.
You see what's happening? Have you turned on the news lately? We're getting hate emails from couples.
What we did was bad.
Obviously, when you tell your secrets initially, the person goes like this, but then they figure out how to incorporate it, and you get closer because everything is out, so no, it's the sharing speed bump.
That's it.
I don't think so.
I want you to trust me on something, okay? I know you think that this thing broke you and Charlie up.
If you tell me the secret you told him, I will tell you, and then I'll actually tell him how that could actually make you guys closer.
Okay, first of all, you're never talking to Charlie.
Just tell me.
So you want me to overshare with you even though you know it's the thing that ended my relationship and I'm pretty sure is going to end yours? Please trust me.
I want you happy.
- Please.
- Okay, fine.
I love myself in the bathroom stalls at work, and I think about Dr.
Phil and Maury Povich making out - just to spite you.
- All right.
All right, I don't care.
Can you just admit that you're wrong? I'm telling you, once and for all, that sharing is caring.
You just gotta go over the sharing speed bump.
Here's what people who share do.
Hey, whoa.
That wasn't good.
Thousands searching through the western Balkans.
In other news, Donny Deutsch's Man-Up Sexual Quiz I mean, seriously, folks, this guy is dangerous.
What's your favorite place in the house to love yourself? We're talking about masturbation here.
Dangerous quackery on television.
Guy's a class-A pervert.
This is just another left-wing know-it-all taking it too far.
The man's igniting gender warfare.
He needs to be off the air.
I'm gonna go everywhere - Do you want to come with? - [phone beeps.]
- - Come with me - - I can take you there - - Jump on the ship Donny! Who is that? Donny Deutsch.
Moron.
Regis? I've been watching you.
What are you doing here? Don't like what you're doing to America.
- What? - Moron, don't talk for once.
Did you follow me? Don't talk.
Please.
Nothing.
There's an order to the universe, and you've upset it.
- Missing ejaculations - Boredom porn I'm about to tell you the most sacred covenant between men and women Sharing is caring.
Sharing.
Sharing.
Moron.
Not sharing is caring.
Not sharing.
It but this was just like a stupid little quiz.
It was just supposed to bring people closer.
Moron, you are misguiding millions, and you don't even care.
I care.
Then don't share! [scoffs.]
Moron.
Regis? I just had the weirdest experience with Regis, and I don't even know if it was a dream.
He told me that I upset the universe.
Twitter hates you too.
Super mean today.
Loads of hate tweets.
BuzzFeed picked up the quiz.
It's breaking up couples everywhere.
Internationally, like, even in the Balkans.
It's called "Donny's Ten Questions "to Ask Your Significant Other if You Want to Destroy Your Relationship.
" Moron.
Is now a good time to remind you you're going on the "Today" show tomorrow? Moron.
Bill O'Reilly tweeted that "Donny Douche has officially out-douched himself.
" Bill Maher just said you're proof daytime science is as harmful as religion.
Donny Deutsch should be banned from America for the sake of television.
- Everybody hates you.
- Women especially.
Donny.
How could you be such an idiot? [sighs.]
You're right.
I failed.
I failed Regis.
Who's Regis? Who's Regis? Regis was here before all of us.
Before Ellen, before Dr.
Phil, before "The Chew," before "The Talk," before "The Real," before it all.
Regis set the standard for daytime.
I know what I have to do.
Um, so I should cancel the "Today" show, right? Cancel the no, don't.
- No? - No.
I failed my mission to help people, and I'm fixing that.
Oh, God.
- I know what I'm going to do.
- Donny? I know what I have to do.
I don't think you do know what you have to do.
Shower? Ay-yi-yi.
This guy, I think, has single-handedly broken up I can't even count how many couples.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, I'm genuinely sorry.
What I've learned you gotta do the hard thing.
[mumbles.]
To not share is to care, and I'm a better man learning that.
We're gonna I think we should really give it to him.
We are, we're going to kick him in the like we always do.
- Mm-hmm.
- We'll be right back.
- - [upbeat music.]
So we're a little angry with you.
A lot of people are.
Are you surprised at the reaction? No, you know, I actually am thanks for having me on, guys, because I want to just apologize.
You know sometimes you know, daytime TV, there's a lot of shows, you're covering a lot of territory, and I screwed up.
And I just want to kind of come on and say what I learned is, sometimes too much sharing is not caring, and sometimes to not share is to care.
Good.
Thank you.
Since, Donny, you made a lot of people take that quiz and you saw what was in your wake, a bunch of ruined relationships And I feel terrible about that.
I think it's fair for us to ask Donny one of those questions.
Guys, let's just forget about the quiz.
Let's throw it out.
It's not important to keep going with the quiz.
It's going deeper in the hole.
Except you never took the quiz yourself.
Yeah, and it's time you answered - some of those questions.
- Yeah.
Take the quiz.
All right, you willing? I don't think you have much of a career left if you don't answer a question.
- What do you think? - Are you up for that? You know what, whatever it takes.
This is what it's going to take, okay, so Okay, go ahead, Hoda.
Okay, so, Donny, who is your mental partner? Now it's your turn.
- You sure? - Yeah, we want Well, you're the one that's going to have to live with the repercussions of whatever your answer is.
It's a person, and it's also a whole situation.
It's believe it or not, it's Martha Stewart.
- Martha Stewart? - Martha? I don't want to go too deep, but it's a fantasy.
She's making muffins - Oh, with the muffins.
- Muffins? By the way, Martha, if you are out there, I think we should go on a date.
You know what he's doing now? - He's oversharing again.
- [phone vibrates.]
He learned nothing.
Pam, are you watching your asshole boss right now? Yes, I am.
I think you're beautiful.
You don't even have to make muffins.
That's just my little He just said he wants to bang Martha Stewart.
He asked her out.
Yeah, he did.
Yep.
Tell him it's over.
I will.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I'm going to seduce Bill O'Reilly.
See how he feels if I turn my brain bang into a real bang.
Okay.
Then the mental and the physical could maybe be one.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know, I'm sharing.
You told me to share.
Ay-yi-yi.
Good luck.
Let us know what happens with Martha.
You wish.
I'm so busy So much to do Rush and hurry Where does the day go to? But I've got nothing but time When I'm around you