Don't Even (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

Employee of the month, bish!
Yeah.
What crawled up your butt
and died?
It's all good.
Look
I was gonna save this
'til after the ceremony, but
I got you a little prezzy
from Jay's car!
WANDA: Ah, ah, ah!
No weapons on the party train!
- Hey, that's mine!
- Wesley!
Why am I doing your job, huh?
Smarten up.
WESLEY: Hey, I'm gonna
need your ticket.
MICKEY: I don't need a ticket.
I'm with
the Employee of the Month!
You know, the woman whose
bad-assery under pressure
got you this whack party?
Just let 'em go.
Go on.
Smarten up.
We only got enough food
for staff, so no crashers,
no under-agers.
- Okay, got it.
- No meesh, no entry.
[Wesley coughs]
And no one sneaks into
that business thing upstairs.
They're real tight-asses
and I don't want no complaints.
WANDA: Hey!
Pay attention!
At every staff party
there's, like,
always a kick-ass dance circle
and I always snag, okay?
But I'm on a snagging fast.
My energy is too powerful.
Sizzle!
And I'm here with my crew, so
I don't want nothing
catching on fire, you hear?
Yeah.
Auntie, I got you.
Ladies?
It's time to cut
these ponies loose!
Come on, girls!
Woo! Yeah!
[all cheering]
Whoa, tickets, please.
Nice uniform, Wiggum.
Yeah, nice jacket,
Joey Fattone.
We just gotta find
the right moment
to slip Stinky & the Man
our demo tape.
Whoa, I'm not letting you
sneak any celeb anything.
Not on my watch.
Yeah?
Well, watch us, Rent-a-Chode.
STINKY: Winnipeg,
it's Friday night,
so you know what that means!
It's an all-night dance party
with me, Stinky!
[in low voice]
And me, The Man.
Tonight's gonna be a hot one,
we're coming at you live from
the Fort Rouge Curling Club,
brought to you
by Uncle Sizzle's.
[regular voice]
And speaking of
That is Stinky.
Stinky and The Man
are the same person?
[Euro-style house music playing]
♪
Yeah, I'll be right back.
MICKEY: I was thinkin' she
looked more like a river troll.
Oh.
Look who showed up.
Got something
you want to say to me?
Jay's been calling non-stop.
Where have you been?
What did you do,
and what happened? My mom--
Are you serious right now?
That's what you have to say?
She's been with me.
HARLEY: At Mickey's cabin.
Yeah, we crashed our
jet skis into a beaver dam!
Cabins rule, man.
[laughs]
I'm sorry, we're actually in the
middle of something right now.
Okay.
[house music continues]
Like I said
Never apologizes for nothin'.
MICKEY: C'mon.
Let's get some nugs
for the Employee of the Month!
♪
SHOWBOAT: What happened?
Nothing.
It's fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
STINKY: We'll be back
after these 30 commercials.
Got it?
THE MAN: from
Stinky and The Man!
Yowwww!
Hi, I'm Showboat
and this is Violet.
We're a band.
Oh, well, who isn't?
SHOWBOAT: We tried
to drop off our demo
for Battle of the Bands,
but no one was at the studio.
- Can you listen to it here?
- We worked really hard on it.
I ain't got a tape deck.
Y'all gotta get with the tech
if you wanna make it in music.
CDs are the future.
Well, okay, what if you
just take this as our entry
and we get you a CD tomorrow?
- I promise.
- STINKY: No dice.
Now vámonos.
I only got 10 minutes to air,
and I gotta drop
a real greasy gizzard.
Uncle Sizzle's chicken is
rugged.
Outta my way.
Hurry!
Hurry hard!
Oh
I mean, she's not wrong.
[lounge music playing]
Alright.
So we're gonna slip in,
do a lil' networkie,
shoulder rubbin', and then
you're gonna get a sponsor,
my little wrestlin' man.
Everyone who's anyone
in Winnipeg biz is here.
Did my research.
I don't know,
look at all these rich people.
I feel like I'm gonna fuck up!
[sighs]
Come on!
Soon you'll be livin' it large
at Chateau 100.
And I'll be kicked up
at my office
in the Richardson Building,
overseeing the whole operation.
Chateau 100 is pretty sweet
Mm-hm.
And just hand these out
and remember,
stay "profesh to death."
Time to get out there
and sparkle.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- That's-- that's him!
Him who?
Only the man with the power
to change our lives forever.
That's Randy frickin' Babbage!
The Tube-Meat King
of the Prairies.
And that's Beefy, his mascot.
Bro, his book changed my life.
♪
[both laughing]
WESLEY: Hey, Harley.
What? Tryna' bounce us?
MICKEY: You can't touch us!
Employee of the Month, mo'fo!
No, I'm not bouncing you.
Then bye, boy.
Can we, uh, talk for a sec?
I dunno
Can you?
Maybe we'll just
catch up later.
[cracks knuckles]
I'm gonna go
steal his flashlight.
VIOLET: What are we gonna do?
I'm thinking, thinking
The party's
real fancy upstairs.
Don't tell no one.
Kind of in the middle
of something, Wanda.
I could run home
and grab my boom box
so we could play the tape
for Stinky?
Hmm
Yeah, gotta watch my pull.
I can't attract another Dale.
Poor guy.
No.
Look, you'll never
make it back in time.
We could just do it
a cappella, you know?
Like, without instruments.
Do you wanna sing our demo
a cappella?
They got a big spread up there
and everything.
And they have DJ Marv!
He still wears the same suit
he had on
when he played at my prom!
[chuckles]
Auntie, please
A crusty-ass DJ?
Hello, tape deck.
Let's go.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
No.
You liked it!
VIOLET: We can't just
steal his tape deck.
SHOWBOAT: First
we gotta sneak in.
Nope.
I'm on a snagging fast.
No!
Here, excuse me.
Important people coming through.
Come on.
Mr. Babbage!
Huge fan.
I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm Cousin Cheryl,
and, uh, this
this is my client, Woody.
Little gent.
Little lady.
So, uh
let's pivot to brass tacks here.
I got your next best thing.
The thing that'll take your
business to the next level.
Hand him the flyer,
hand him the flyer.
We made those ourselves.
[chuckles]
Okay.
Pitchin' me, huh?
Alright.
So, uh
The Woodtick!
He'll suck the blood outta ya,
then you'll be some real tired!
You want a meat company
to back a wrestler
named after a critter
that makes people's skin crawl?
Well, Mr. Babbage,
you see, synergy--
Sorry, kiddo.
Scum-suckin' varmints
just ain't on brand
for Babbage Garden Meats.
Enjoy your night.
Enjoy the drink.
WOODY: I mean,
at least take the flyer.
[slurps loudly]
[reggae playing]
Wesley's not
even here to stop us!
VIOLET: Okay, I guess.
I thought there would be
more people at this party.
MICKEY: Meh.
We are the party.
[people coughing]
The higher the hair,
the closer to Creator.
Alright, everybody here?
Come on, guys!
Can't wait all day!
Now for the reason we're here:
Store 12 Employee of the Month!
Woo!
This employee faced
a storm of angry customers
and still set a record
for most sales of any
Uncle Sizzle's in one night!
- MAN: Woo!
- Eat it, Store 7!
MAN: Yeah!
The phone ranger,
the bitchin' chicken,
give it up for our
Employee of the Month, Harley!
- Woo!
- [applause]
WANDA: Get up here, girl!
[applause]
SHOWBOAT: People are woo-ing.
On behalf of Uncle Sizzle's,
I would like to present you with
this most distinguished award.
You earned it!
Yeah, baby!
Oh-ho-ho!
MICKEY: Chicken phone, wicked!
WANDA: Yeah, now let's
cut a damn rug, hey?
Music!
- Woo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
- [peppy music starts]
WANDA: Come on, everybody!
Woooo!
[peppy rock music playing]
Hey, Mickey?
I want you to have this.
You're a real one.
Seriously, thank you.
Oh, hello?
Is this my new best friend?
[laughs]
MICKEY: Thanks, man.
This is
This is really cool.
♪
VIOLET: He does have
a tape deck.
SHOWBOAT: I say we just create
a distraction and snatch it.
We're not even
supposed to be up here.
We'll get in so much shit.
Vi! It's all or nothing.
If you shoot for the moon
and miss,
you wind up among the stars.
You know who taught me that?
Who?
Jonathan fuckin'
Torrens!
Okay, okay.
I know what to do.
The Fox does this to get free
dessert at Big Willy's Buffet.
Just gimme a sec.
[choking sound]
SHOWBOAT: Oh!
She's choking!
- I got you, girl!
- Wait, no, wait!
BEEFY: Heimlich!
[grunts]
Come on! Come on!
- Augh!
- Whoa!
[loud fart]
[dead silence]
BABBAGE: Jesus Christ!
That wasn't me!
It was the wiener!
[rock song starts playing]
[mic feedback]
Check 1, 2!
Hey, uh, party people!
This is a heck of a party,
but all you biz-natches know
that you gotta check
the merch out, right?
What are you doing?
I'm The Woodtick, woo!
This is for you, Mr. Babbage!
My manager, Cheryl, she's right
there if you're interested.
Woo!
Woody, everyone!
The Woodtick!
- Put your hands together!
- Yeah!
Woo!
This is your moment!
[clapping to beat of song]
BEEFY: Ohhh, you ain't
stealin' my thunder, kid!
WOODY: Oh, yeah?
[rock music continues]
♪
Woo!
Yeah!
- Hey!
- [applause]
CHERYL: Yo, this isn't
very business-like!
♪
You think you can show me up?
Oh, yeah!
- [loud crack]
- [fart]
Ahh! My sciatica!
WOODY: Woo!
Yeah!
Hey, hey--
Uh, hi, everyone.
[nervous laugh]
WOODY: Woo, yeah!
Come on, man!
You went rogue!
They loved my moves!
You told me to sell the product.
Babbage just
needed to see my moves
to know I can wrestle for real.
Dude, real wrestling
isn't even real wrestling!
Look, you asked me
to manage you.
[sighs]
But I wanna wrestle.
It was never about
the wrestling.
[sighs]
[hip hop playing]
♪
Wow.
That's a
powerful cologne.
Yeah, man.
Drah-Car Noo-aaar.
- I'm gonna need your ticket.
- Bro, come on.
I just wanna grab my girl
and dip.
Harley?
You know, like the bike.
Vroooom!
She left.
She's right there, bro.
Mall cop.
[chatter and laughter]
♪
[grunts]
- [music stops]
- MAN: Hey, what happened?
What's going on here?
MAN: Come on,
put the music back on!
Oh-ho
I got it, I got it.
WANDA: Play Neon Moon!
Yeah!
Alright
Here goes
nothin'.
[song starts playing]
Oh!
Yes!
♪
Hey, babe.
- Get off of me.
- Oh, hey, come on!
I miss you, babe.
Even though you trashed my car.
I saw your ribbon-twirling wife
with my own two eyes.
You're a liar, Jay,
who lies and cheats.
Look, I'm only there
for Jay Jr., alright?
- [sighs]
- My kid.
It's not even a real marriage.
It's a green card marriage!
The kid might not
even be my kid!
I mean, you can get pregnant
off a toilet seat!
Tell her the truth, Jay.
Mind your own business, bro.
I can't keep lying for you.
It makes my stomach sick.
Can't we just go
somewhere quiet and talk?
Just me and you.
He's married, yeah,
with the chubbiest baby.
He's not a PI.
He doesn't even have a job.
He just sits around all day
watching Sweating Bullets.
Check yourself, bro!
Steph's dad gives him
his car and allowance.
He says he's Sugar Ray,
he charges middle-school kids
50 dollars for meet-and-greets.
Dude
I'm sorry.
♪
I mean, come on, baby.
Do you believe
what this guy says?
Just stop.
[Violet and Showboat's
song playing]
VIOLET: We sound amazing!
♪
Hey, y'all smell that?
Ah, not another
greasy gizzard.
[sizzling sound]
♪
JAY: Yeah, okay, whatever, so
I lied a little bit.
I just
I friggin' love you, man!
Oh my God, a PI !
In Winnipeg.
You are so full of shit.
I knew you were full of shit!
MICKEY: Hey, surprise, dickbag!
JAY: Augh!
Augh, get her off of me!
Nah, I'm good.
You come around her again
and I'll eat your ass
like a badger, you hear?!
I got a black belt
at kicking douche!
You're crazy.
Both of you!
I'm outta here.
♪
[door shuts]
Don't worry, I've got this ♪
Don't worry, I've got this! ♪
Something's burning!
[loud pop]
WANDA: Holy! Outta the way!
Deadly aunties first!
VIOLET: The tape! The tape!
[smoke alarm beeping]
SHOWBOAT: No, no, no, no!
[sizzling sound]
[squeaking]
[sentimental music playing]
You are the rush
I can't control ♪
You flow like ♪
Mind if I take a load off?
I wouldn't come
too close, though.
I might still have
medicine on me.
I'll take my chances.
I'm telling you, man.
My pull's too strong.
People fall hard, go crazy.
Look at me.
You think I can walk
three blocks without someone
throwing themselves at me?
I'm the top mascot in the city.
You?
Not Buzz and Boomer,
or Mick E. Moose?
Slugs and hacks.
Now, let the ol' Beefer
buy you a drink.
♪
Beefy?
♪
MICKEY: Our girl is
on the prowl tonight!
Mee-yow!
Them two's prolly gonna pork.
HARLEY: [quietly]
He's a complete liar!
He pretended he was a PI!
Like, who does that?
You don't know
what you're talking about.
Yeah, duh!
They been to bone town.
Last year.
You didn't know?
Harsh, bro.
Heavyyy.
WESLEY: Mickey Carp
to the rescue, eh?
Yeah.
I just want to let
you know that I'm
I'm sorry
I've been a dick to you.
It's just that--
VIOLET: What is wrong with you?
Whoa, whoa,
let's just settle down--
You're hooking up
with my brother?
It was once.
I'm just gonna
I think my walkie's
VIOLET: Seriously?
You live in my room.
You take all of my things.
You mooch off of my family.
I'm no mooch!
Yeah, what about Toronto?
I never asked you to come.
You just decided
you were coming.
I mean, who does that?
Maybe I don't want you to come!
Get your own life, Harley!
Nothing to say for once?
Whatever.
At least I don't glom
onto somebody else
just to have a personality.
You're nothing!
You're pathetic.
Fuck
Violet
Oh
Sorry about Woody.
Usually he's so professional.
Do you know
my seventh rule of business?
Wait, don't you have an accent?
The accent's the brand.
Do you know my
seventh rule of business?
"You gotta know
when to call it.
"Cut your losses
before they become liabilities."
Oh.
Take Beefy, for instance.
Been phoning it in for years.
Passion, gone.
No, yeah.
Woof.
I built my empire
on two raw dogs and a dream.
People underestimated me.
But I see you, young buck.
Thank you, sir.
That little guy you've
got with you over there
- Yeah.
- People loved him.
I think he could be just
the thing to get my meat
into a whole new market:
cool teens.
Nothing cooler
than beefy teens!
You bet.
So, what do you say?
Do you wanna
take your boy and join
the Babbage Garden Meat family?
[chuckles]
That's good.
You okay?
I don't wanna talk about it.
[sighs] All that hard work
all summer for nothing.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Some Perkins fries, hmm?
Alright.
STINKY: Hey, yo, girls.
You saved a lot of my gear.
Thank you.
Stinky, it was kinda us--
It's official.
Y'all are in the Stinky
& the Man's Battle of the Bands.
- For reals?
- Mm-hm.
What's the name of your band?
Ever sick!
STINKY: I dig it.
Check ya.
Yes.
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God!
SHOWBOAT: Ever Sick?
That's a wicked band name!
[knocking]
I walk right out the door ♪
But I don't know
where I am ♪
♪
[moaning and kissing]
Oh, Beefy
Oh, Beefy!
♪