Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s01e05 Episode Script

New York is the cultural mecca of the world great shopping, theater, restaurants If you have money, which I don't.
I've been surviving on a sack of potatoes I found behind a deli.
I can't even afford to pay rent this month, not like this rich lady sitting here with her fancy dog, eating gourmet crab cakes.
Is she offering me a bite of crab cake? Why did she do that? I don't know why I did it, toying with the girl's emotions like that.
Maybe I was bored.
Maybe I was lashing out at Geoffrey.
Either way, it was something to do.
Oh, my God! What happened to you?! Oh, I spilled my soup at lunch, and then a guy's heart exploded on me.
I could never be a nurse like you.
I'd be way too emotional.
Yeah, well, that's because you're weak.
It takes a special kind of person someone calm, composed, not easily rattled.
Oh, my God! My mouse pad with Chloe's picture on it came! Yeah! Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm It's first, last, and security to move in.
Is cash okay? Oh! Good! Our other roommate is home.
June, this is Bethany.
She responded to the roommate listing that we posted.
What room what are you No.
No! You cannot run the roommate scam again, Chloe.
It's wrong! What's going on? Am I still gonna meet Dawson? It's the last time.
I swear.
Guten tag! Oh! The German roommate.
I forgot about her.
She was in play way before you moved in.
Hi, Gerta! Welcome.
Did you bring me any gummi bears? I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you she's a Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba Wow.
Gerta was really mad.
What is the matter with you? I can't believe you were trying to scam another girl.
Do you even know what you're doing is wrong? Help.
Help another girl.
And it's not wrong.
It's a gray area.
There's no such thing as a gray area.
It's either right or it's wrong.
Not true.
If it hadn't been me stealing her money, it would've been somebody else, and they probably would've killed her, too, so I hope you're happy.
You just sent poor Becky off to die.
Bethany.
Whatever.
Either way, she's dead.
You don't care who you hurt, do you? Whether it's Robin or Bethany or that old German lady.
Shockingly, Gerta's only 25.
German people just age so poorly.
So what's your plan to make up my half of the rent? Oh, your half? Uh, yeah.
You just scared off those girls.
Now I have no way to pay.
I can't even cover my half.
And I can't ask my parents for help.
They spent all their savings putting me through grad school.
We canceled the cable and we're making our own hair spray.
We'll be okay, as long as Grandma Rose passes soon.
Unfortunately, she's a fighter, but, uh, we're prayin'.
We're praying.
Yeah, every night.
Well, whatever.
I'll just ask James.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
No problem.
Whatever you need.
Thank you so much, James.
That's awesome.
Just talk to Luther.
He handles all my finances.
Bitch, please.
Bitch.
Ugh.
Why not? Because in the past four years, you've borrowed Over $20,000 from James.
Dinners, shopping sprees.
And I'm not even counting James' stunt double you "lost.
" Come on, Luther.
I need the money.
And I needed notes on my play.
I gave it to you to read over a year ago.
Remember? So, again, my answer is The grapes on the vine aren't having it.
If you'd read my play, you'd get that.
All right, you guys finished? 'Cause I got something exciting to show you.
Ready? And Reveal! Nice.
Right? My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for "Dancing With The Stars" and launch my own line of jeans.
So Beek jeans.
Put your cheeks in a beek.
Right? Holy mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt? So much.
Yeah.
But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.
Ah.
Do you want the button or the euro? Button.
At least it'll be worth something in a few years.
Topical.
Ohh.
Am I so sick of worrying about money.
Me, too.
Jennifer and I are actually talking about moving in together to save money on rent.
Big step! That's exciting! Yeah, it is.
She's got a lot of definite opinions about things my wardrobe, my music, the way I eat eggs.
I blow on 'em whether or not they're warm.
It bothers some people.
Ooh! I gotta run.
I gotta get to church.
Oh, I didn't know you went to church.
I used to go every Sunday back in Indiana.
I really missed that sense of community, so I found this really great church right by my apartment.
Wow.
I haven't been to church in forever.
Jennifer thinks God steals focus.
You mind if I tag along? I was raised baptist, so this feels like home.
What, do you speak Korean? God speaks all languages.
Yes, but do you speak Korean? That was a lovely sermon, pastor Jin.
Ohh, June, thank you so much.
I'm sorry.
I don't have anything for the collection plate, but I did bring you some of my homemade jam.
Oh! Don't apologize.
Everyone loves your jam.
Number two seller at the church bazaar last month.
Number one was Grace park's velvet Elvises.
It's the jam.
The jam is the answer! This has been a very confusing day.
Hey.
Can I touch your hair? Uh.
.
Okay.
You look like Obama.
I-I gotta go to the bathroom.
I have a new Nemesis.
Luther has just replaced cheap Tequila.
I had a brainstorm at church.
Oh, you're still going to that place? You're such a good Korean.
Christian.
What am I saying? I'm gonna make my homemade jam and sell it to cover my rent.
Boo.
Horrible idea.
No, it's not.
No one can resist my jam.
Here.
Try it.
Be careful, though.
It's really hot.
Wow.
This is amazing, June.
Really? I can totally sell this.
We can team up to make the rent.
Together, we're twice as strong.
Yeah, we are! whoo-hoo I don't want to take this anymore I'll just stay here locked behind the door just no time to stop and get away 'cause I work so hard to make it every day whoo-hoo whoo-ee, yeah I'm so happy doing the neutron dance ohh I'm just burnin' Chloe! Doing the neutron dance yeah, yeah Chloe, you forgot one of the j Wait.
What are you doing with our jam? I'm storing the jam because Chloe and I are that's That's completely wrong.
Chloe! What are you doing? I thought that you were selling them to artisan shops and farmers markets.
Well, not exactly.
But don't worry.
We're still making money.
Come on! How? Okay, don't be mad.
No one can resist my hot, hot jam.
No one can resist my hot, hot jam.
No one can resist my hot, hot jam.
No one can resist my hot I made a fetish site.
We're gonna make a fortune.
my hot, hot jam.
A fetish site?! No one can resist my hot Remember when you fed me a taste of your hot, hot jam? Well, I realized that perverts would pay a lot of money to watch us make it, which Eli confirmed, so he helped me set up the cameras.
Cameras? Cameras? Eli? The subject is aware.
I can't believe you would do this! And who wants to see me make jam anyway? It's a very scientific process.
There is nothing sexy about it! Mm-hmm.
Ohh.
Oh! Is that why we were having all those pillow fights? June, you're missing the big picture here.
We're gonna be rich.
Right, Eli? Totally.
You guys are gonna make so much money, as soon as the free trial period ends.
Free trial period? Well, we need to get people interested before we can ask them to pay.
The food fetish market is saturated right now.
You've got salad shooters, grandma's garden, ripe cherries, melon ballers so we've made no money?! Not yet.
But in 54 short days, I I can't believe you would do this! I can't believe you'd put me on a porn site! That is wrong in so many ways! It's a fetish site.
And it's not wrong.
It's another gray area.
You would've been making the jam whether or not we filmed it.
There is no such thing as a gray area! You exploited me without my knowledge.
You're being very judgmental right now.
That's not very Korean of you.
You never believed in the jam.
Well, I'm gonna go sell it without you.
And even if I fail, I'll go home to Indiana penniless, knowing that I did the right thing.
I'm not paying you back for the cameras.
That's fine.
I've got a couple other web sites going.
You're not the only girls in the building.
I was just reading a very critical letter from my mother.
She's upset that I didn't go to my Uncle pat's surgery.
Ow.
Sorry.
I have a lot of cats.
I can't believe Chloe secretly filmed you making this stuff.
Me, neither.
What was the name of that web site again? You know, just so I can make sure it's definitely shut down.
Eli.
What are you doing here? I'm a health inspector.
I'm here on official business.
Shut up, you perv.
You're not a health inspector.
June! W-what the what are you doing, coming in hot like that? Of course Mr.
Weber is a health inspector.
He cited us four times in the last month.
We've remedied the problem, by the way.
We've completely changed our policy regarding the 3-second rule, so Ellen! Leave it.
Actually, I'm here for the jam.
I'm afraid I have to confiscate it.
I have personal knowledge that it was made under filthy, filthy conditions.
Eli, no! This this is my rent jam! I spent every last dollar I had making it.
If you take it away from me, I will have absolutely nothing.
Sorry, June, but I have to do my job.
No! No! I'm not just your sexually adventurous neighbor.
I'm also a committed public servant.
Oh, and, Ellen? I'm following you on Twitter.
You're hilarious.
See ya at home! How am I supposed to pay rent if June keeps sabotaging all my ideas? Hey, can we slow down, please? These jeans were not designed for motion.
Sorry.
Listen.
You just can't give up.
Remember my first venture into fashion? Meggings.
Male leggings.
Nobody bought them except for Andy Dick.
But did I give up? No.
See, you just need to come up with a new idea.
You're creative.
You'll figure something out.
Yeah.
All right.
Luther said the billboard is just around the corner.
You ready to see a 10-story high version of my ass? Yeah! You know it.
Ohh! All right! You don't see it? See what? Look a little to the left.
Oh, my God.
It's funny.
Genuinely funny.
I'm gonna send this.
To who? Everyone! Today I helped a man see for the first time, yet you're the one who gets to go home to Chloe.
Going home to Chloe is not so great.
You're crazy.
I'd give my left nut to have what you have.
Okay, I have to ask you, why do you like Chloe so much? She's mean to you, she's deceitful pale, popular, she has 4% body fat.
Chloe is everything I wish I was.
I just feel like, if I could have one friend like her, everything would be good.
Wow.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that yeah, you are sorry.
Okay.
I was just trying to be supportive.
Yeah? Tell it to your bra, sag-bags.
Mm.
Whatever.
Call me names.
It doesn't matter anyway.
If I can't find money to pay my rent, I'm gonna have to move home.
Money? Ha.
That's the one problem I don't have.
I'm in the nurses' union, June.
I'm getting paid for having this conversation.
Ooh, wait.
I think we can work something out.
What are you talking about? I'm willing to offer you money for access to Chloe.
No.
I can't.
It's wrong.
More wrong than you getting on a bus back to Indiana? So did you get it taken down? No, it turns out it's harder than I thought.
But honestly, I-I think we're more sensitive to it.
I don't think other people have noticed.
Meatballs! Meatballs! Yeah! That's it.
I'm calling Luther.
He shoulda seen this coming.
Ooh, conference me in.
I wanna tell him that he's aging poorly for a black man.
Mm! Hey.
June? Oh! Fat cabbie can run.
Pretty sure he had a heart attack, though, so I just got a free ride home.
There are no free rides.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
You're probably gonna judge me.
I don't judge anymore.
I'm just sitting here, eating expensive crab cakes.
What's the matter with you? Are you still worried about rent? Because I figured out a way to make up my half.
Good.
We all do what we need to in order to survive Things you didn't think you were capable of.
Then you are.
This crab is good But it's not great.
Sweet! Damn it, mulder.
Yeah.
You're off the case.
Can you believe it? My jeans are flying off the shelves.
See, this is why America's great.
It's all thanks to that billboard.
The gays saw something they liked, started buying up my jeans.
Not to be outdone, the hipsters jumped on board, which made the Japanese take notice.
The tastemaker trifecta.
Hansel here is all three.
He's my client zero.
Aren't you, buddy? I have an ironic mustache.
Arigato.
Hey! What is up with me? I just can't stop making money.
Meatballs! Meatballs! My play.
Okay, go to a party with Chloe that's $200.
Okay.
There's one more thing I'd like to do with her.
I'd like to make a toast to her tonight in front of everyone.
Public toast.
That'll be $400.
Yes! Deal.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to think of my speech.
I'll need a dry erase board, a lantern, and a goblet of some sort.
Hey! Listen, you don't have to worry about your half of the rent.
I figured out a way to pay for both of us.
You're gonna pay my half, too? Well, I was looking at the bathroom cam footage that we shot for the web site, and I started to feel really bad.
You put a camera in the bathroom?! Oh, no.
What is what is going on here? Is that a mole? Oh, good.
What was that? Was it chocolate? I don't know.
Oh, my God.
What is going on here? But the point is, I felt bad so I'm paying your rent.
You are? Well, after what you did to me, I don't really want your help.
Come on.
I don't want you to have to move home.
Please.
You don't care.
I do.
It turns out I don't hate having you around.
Oh, God.
I am a terrible person and a very bad Korean.
I am so sorry for what I have done to you.
What are you talking about? I sold you to Robin.
I made a lot of money letting her do things with you without you knowing.
She even agreed to pay me $400 to make a toast to you tonight in front of everyone.
Huh.
Nice scam.
I'm impressed.
No, what I did was wrong.
Is it? I mean, I'm not mad, and look how happy Robin is.
You're like the Midwestern Mother Teresa for pathetic people.
What's happening to me? This is just like in the movies when the good person makes the bad person better, only in reverse.
You're making me worse.
No way.
You're making me worse.
Because of you, I feel guilty about things that I shouldn't even care about the web site, Robin.
I even kinda feel bad about the James thing.
What James thing? Well, that was my plan to pay our rent.
I loosened the upstairs railings so that I could trip and accidentally fall and then sue him for damages.
What? He's super rich.
Plus he's the one that said I should get creative.
Hi.
I would like to make a toast.
Um, Webster's dictionary defines the word "friend" as No! Not finished! Ow.
Ow.
Oh, my God.
Is she okay? Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I'm okay.
Were you gonna say something? A toast? Oh, yeah.
Oh, why, thank you.
That's nice.
It defines the word "friend" as one who is attached to another by esteem, affection, and loyalty.
Thank you.
Great toast, huh? Cheers! Cheers! Are you sure you're okay? Uh-huh.
Did we say $400? Oh, it's okay.
It's on the house.
Awesome.
That was really nice of us.
Maybe we're making each other better.
Mm! Well, you know what they say.
When the harvest comes and the birds have flown, that will be the time.
Read the damn play! I'm gonna get up.
I'm just resting.
Ahh.
Slow jam.
Nana, you're there so they can take care of you.
I'm sure they'll give you bacon if you ask.
Put the nurse on the phone.
Do not give her bacon.
Put her back on.
Did you see "Castle" last night? I know! It is getting better.