Doug (1991) s01e05 Episode Script
Doug Can't Dig It/Doug Didn't Do It
[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL,
IT'S ME AGAIN, DOUG.
SORRY I DIDN'T WRITE YESTERDAY.
I WAS TOO BUSY HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
IT ALL STARTED
YESTERDAY MORNING
TOREADOR, YA, HA, HA,
HA, HA ♪
OW!
QUIT POKING ME
WITH THAT STICK.
MOM, JUDY'S DOING
THAT BULLFIGHTER THING AGAIN.
I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW! ♪
WHAT?
TOREADOR
YOU KNOW, PORKCHOP
SOMETIMES I'M REALLY
GLAD JUDY GOES
TO HER OWN SCHOOL
INSTEAD OF OURS.
THEN IN CLASS, MRS. WINGO
MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
TOMORROW AFTERNOON, THERE WILL
BE A SPECIAL SCHOOL ASSEMBLY
AND IT'S GOING TO BE
INTRODUCED BY DOUG.
HUH?
Boy:
WAY TO GO, DOUG.
[ applause]
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M REALLY HAPPY
TO BE ANYWHERE EXCEPT CLASS!
[ Doug chuckles]
BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS
Wingo:
DOUG DOUG?
DON'T YOU WAN
TO KNOW
WHO YOU'RE
INTRODUCING?
SHE ASKED FOR
YOU ESPECIALLY.
WHO?
YOUR SISTER JUDY.
SHE'S GOING TO PERFORM
FOR ALL OF US.
JUDY.
[ eerie scream]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
Doug:
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, SKEET.
IN ONE DAY MY LIFE
WILL BE RUINED.
I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW.
MY SOUL THROBS.
I AM YOUR WASHING MACHINE.
[ audience mumbling]
RED TOWEL
[ sobbing]
PINK AFTER WET.
[ audience oohing]
[ Judy moaning]
[ sighs]
[ booing]
DOUG LOVES PATTI.
[ audience laughing]
MAYBE IT WON'
BE SO BAD, DOUG.
MAYBE IT'LL
BE NEAT.
I I MEAN, AWFUL.
DID I SAY NEAT?
UH, TERRIBLE.
[ door opens]
VOILA, VOILA, VOILA♪
trio singing off key:
GIVE US SOME SHAKES
CHOCOLATE AND TASTY ♪
WITH SURPRISE
PLEASE DON'T BE HASTY
KETCHUP, MUSTARD,
MAYO, LETTUCE ♪
JUST MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T FORGET US ♪
I THINK I SEE
WHAT YOU MEAN.
[ groaning]
Roger:
HEY, FUNNIE--
IS THIS A PREVIEW
OF TOMORROW'S SHOW?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.
[ forced laughter]
ALAS, OOH STRAWBERRY
I HAVE TO STOP HER--
FOR HER
OWN SAKE.
HOW CAN YOU
DO THAT?
MAYBE IF I
GET ON HER
GOOD SIDE.
MAYBE IF I USE
A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGY.
HEY JUDY
I'M PERFORMING
AT YOUR SCHOOL TOMORROW.
NOTHING WILL
CHANGE MY MIND.
OH, OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
DID YOU USE PSYCHOLOGY
ON HER, DOUG?
I GUESS PSYCHOLOGY DOESN'
WORK ON OLDER SISTERS.
OH.
I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.
[ whispering]
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!!
I HATE
HELLO.
Uh, hello, is this Judy Funnie,
the actress?
YES, IT IS--
WHO'S THIS PLEASE?
Oh, uh
YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I'M
A VERY FAMOUS PRODUCER
J.B. HUNKAMUNKA.
J.B. HUNKAMUNKA.
SHE'LL NEVER BUY THAT.
YOU WHAT?
YOU SAY YOU'VE HEARD OF ME.
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T DO
THAT SHOW TOMORROW.
Judy:REALLY?
Doug:
IT'S JUST NO
RIGHT FOR YOU.
I FEEL IT'S THE WRONG
WELL, JUST DON'T DO IT.
REALLY,
MR. HUNKAMUNKA.
THEN I'LL JUS
HAVE TO CANCEL IT.
REALLY?
I MEAN, REALLY?
GREAT, WELL, GOOD-BYE.
SHE BOUGHT IT, SKEET.
[ humming]
SKEET?
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH SKEETER?
I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST.
YOU HAVEN'T THE
UH-OH.
[ sighs]
DOUG, WHY CAN'
YOU DIG IT?
HUH?
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY YOU NEED ME
TO PERFORM
AT YOUR SCHOOL.
TOMORROW YOU'LL
THANK ME--
"MR. HUNKAMUNKA."
OH.
[ whistles]
NO, TOMORROW I'LL HAVE
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
JUDY NEVER PERFORMED ANYTHING
THAT MADE ME WANT TO THANK HER.
THE LAST TIME WE WERE ON STAGE
TOGETHER WAS A DISASTER.
THE DENTAL HYGIENE PLAY--
I WAS THE TOOTHBRUSH.
JUDY WAS PLAQUE.
HERE ARE THE TEETH
THAT WOULDN'T BRUSH.
I WILL COME AND
TURN THEM TO MUSH.
All:
OH, NO, SAVE US MR. TOOTHBRUSH.
WHOA!
HERE I AM AND PLAQUE
I WILL CRUSH.
TAKE THAT AND THA
AND THAT.
[ groans]
AND NOW PLAQUE IS GONE.
[ groans of agony]
AND NOW, PLAQUE IS GONE.
[ making dying noises]
JUDY.
Doug:
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
COME BACK HERE!
YUP, THAT PLAY
JUST ABOUT KILLED ME.
SO THERE I WAS, FACED WITH
ANOTHER JUDY PERFORMANCE.
ONLY PROBLEM WAS
I COULDN'T THINK OF ONE GOOD
EXCUSE TO GET ME OUT OF IT.
FUNNIE,
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
OH, HI ROGER.
I HOPE YOU AND YOUR
GOOFY SISTER HAVE FUN.
IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
[ laughs spitefully]
OH, MAN.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I JUST NEEDED A MINUTE TO THINK.
[ whimpers]
WHERE'S FUNNIE?
WE GOT A SHOW TO DO!
PORKCHOP, SHOULD I GO IN FRON
OF EVERYONE AND INTRODUCE JUDY?
[ whines]
IT COULD BE THE DENTAL
HYGIENE PLAY ALL OVER AGAIN.
Boy:
LET'S GO!
[ boys shouting]
BOY, I SURE COULD USE
A LITTLE FRESH AIR, PORKCHOP.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
THIS WAY, I THINK.
AND THERE SHE WAS.
THIS COULD BE
A VERY IMPORTAN
PERFORMANCE FOR ME.
SHAKESPEARE
FIRST PERFORMED
AT HIS BROTHER'S
GRADE SCHOOL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
CAN'T FIND HIM.
LET'S GET THIS SHOW
ON THE ROAD.
DIM THE LIGHTS!
BUT YOU TOLD DOUG
I WANTED HIM TO
INTRODUCE ME, RIGHT?
NOW, DEAR, WE HAVE
TO START.
All:
WE WANT THE SHOW!
WE WANT THE SHOW!
BUT WE HAVE TO WAI
FOR DOUG.
I WANTED HIM
TO SEE THIS.
LISTEN YOUNG LADY--
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME
FOR ALL THIS.
[ hooting]
WAIT!
I'M HERE.
OH
HI, JUDY.
[ applause]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
AND HERE'S SOMEONE I'VE KNOWN
ALL OF MY LIFE
AND MOST OF HERS.
MY SISTER--
PERFORMANCE ARTIST,
JUDY FUNNIE.
[ cheering]
[ Judy singing jazz tune]
SO IN THE END, I STOOD UP
FOR JUDY'S AC
BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED TO
SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY WATCH IT.
THEN I HEARD
SOMETHING UNEXPECTED.
[ cheering and applause]
Crowd:
JUDY, JUDY!
[ yelps]
[ excited talking]
I LAUGHED, I CRIED,
I GOT DIZZY.
IT WAS WILD.
Roger:
FUNNIE, YOU KNOW
WHAT I THOUGH
OF THAT SHOW?
WELL
I LOVED IT!
IT WAS GREAT!
REALLY?
IT COMPLETELY GOT ME
OUT OF A MATH TEST.
YOU CAN TELL
YOUR SISTER
SHE CAN COME BACK
ANYTIME SHE LIKES.
HUH?
HEY, JUDY--
CAN WE GET A PICTURE
FOR THE DAILY HONKER?
SURE, JUST A SECOND.
COME ON, DOUG.
UH
SO I GUESS IT TURNED OUT
ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T NEED TO HAVE
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AFTER ALL.
IT WASN'T EMBARRASSING
AND I THINK JUDY'S
ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD.
NO, QUITE SISTERLY.
[ yelping]
[ Judy shouting in Spanish]
QUITE EMBARRASSING.
SHE'S QUITE EMBARRASSING.
Doug:
JUDY!!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, NUTS?
DEAR JOURNAL,
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
I HATE PRACTICAL JOKES
ESPECIALLY WHEN I WIND UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE.
MR. BONE GOT HIS
YODELING TROPHY
STOLEN AGAIN.
WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL
THAT DUMB TROPHY?
I DIDN'T KNOW MR. BONE
KNEW HOW TO YODEL.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR?
MR. BONE FOUND IT INSIDE
A MEAT LOAF
IN THE CAFETERIA.
IMAGINE THE LOOK ON THE FACE
OF THE POOR SAP
WHO GETS CAUGHT WITH THAT
[ gasps]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
I WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD.
SOMEBODY HAD PLANTED THE TROPHY
IN MY LOCKER.
I SURE PITY THE FOOL
WITH BONE'S TROPHY
IN HIS LOCKER!
HUH?
OR BACKPACK, OR GYM BAG
OR WHATEVER.
WHAT WOULD BONE DO
TO THE PERSON WHO HAS IT?
LOCK HIM UP IN DETENTION
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
BUT I WAS FRAMED.
I MEAN, SUPPOSE THIS PERSON
WAS FRAMED.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE.
REMEMBER, POSSESSION
IS NINE-TENTHS
OF THE LAW.
ROGER WAS RIGHT.
I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE.
ALL THE EVIDENCE
WAS POINTING RIGHT AT ME.
GUILTY, GUILTY
I MEAN, ORDER, ORDER.
WE FOUND THE TROPHY
IN HIS LOCKER.
THEREFORE, HE IS GUILTY.
I REST MY CASE.
OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.
THE JURY SHOULD DECIDE THE
DEFENDANT'S GUILT OR INNOCENCE.
YOUR HONOR,
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S GUILTY.
Judge:
I PRONOUNCE YOU
GUILTY.
I SENTENCE YOU TO SIX MONTHS'
LABOR AT BONE'S YODELING SCHOOL.
OH, DOUG, HOW COULD YOU?
JUDGE WHITE, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?
I GRIEVE WHEN I THINK
THIS YOUNG PERSON'S PERMANEN
RECORD WILL BE SOILED
BY SUCH A SENSELESS CRIME
VOTE FOR ME.
Attention all teachers
and pupils.
This is Assistant Principal
Lamar Bone.
Report to your lockers
FOR A SURPRISE INSPECTION.
[ humming funeral march]
I PRACTICED FOR YEARS
TO WIN THAT TROPHY
AND NOW IT'S MISSING.
BUT I'LL FIND IT!
I ALWAYS DO!
AHA!
WHEN I CATCH THE PUPIL
WHO HAS MY TROPHY
THEY'LL SPEND
THE REST OF THEIR LIFE
IN DETENTION!
Skeeter:
WOW, SO YOU'RE THE ONE.
COOL, MAN, I'VE NEVER
KNOWN A CRIMINAL BEFORE.
NO SKEETER,
I'VE BEEN FRAMED.
SOMEONE PLANTED I
IN MY LOCKER.
HEY, DOUG.
HEY, SKEETER.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
HUH?
I MEAN,
HOW YOU DOING?
[ speaking pig latin]
YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.
ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR
LOCKER INSPECTION.
SEE YOU.
UH, SEE YOU.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WHATEVER IT IS
YOU BETTER DO IT NOW.
UH-OH.
OH.
MR. FUNNIE, I SMELL
SOME FUNNY BUSINESS.
IS IT COMING FROM YOU?
NO, MR. BONE.
YOU MUST BE SMELLING
SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHAT'S THAT HUMP
ON YOUR BACK?
WHAT HUMP?
YOU'RE PLAYING A GAME
OF MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE
AND I DON'T LIKE
BEING THE HAIRY APE!
Doug:
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
HMM.
HOW ABOUT, YOU WEEP A LOT?
[ sobs]
BEG FOR MERCY AND TELL MR. BONE
ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND SIX KIDS
THAT DON'T HAVE A TROPHY.
NO-- THE GUY WHO STOLE
THE TROPHY TWO YEARS AGO
TRIED BEGGING AND HE'S
STILL IN DETENTION.
OKAY, LET'S SEE.
I GOT IT.
YOU PLEAD INSANITY.
SKUNKY BEAUMONT TRIED THAT.
HE HAS TO GO TO THE GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR EVERY DAY.
THIS IS TOUGHER
THAN I THOUGHT.
I WONDER IF ANYONE'S EVER
TOLD THE TRUTH.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S WHAT?
YOU SAID IT.
TELL THE TRUTH.
IT MIGHT JUST BE
CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.
TELL THE TRUTH YEAH.
[ cheering, applause]
WE'RE PROUD
OF OUR BLUFFINGTON YOUTH.
TODAY WE HONOR DOUG FUNNIE.
HE DARED TO BE HONEST.
NOW, WE MUST DARE TO BE A DOUG.
OH, DOUG, YOU'RE SO HONEST.
AND NOW A VERY GOOD
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE--
ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL LAMAR BONE.
[ cheering]
DOUGLAS YANCY FUNNIE,
I AM PROUD
TO REWARD
YOUR HONESTY
BY GIVING YOU THE RES
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR OFF.
[ chanting:]
DOUGIE, DOUGIE, DOUGIE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THE EVIDENCE?
I'M PUTTING THE
YODEL MEISTER AWARD
IN MY LOCKER
FOR SAFEKEEPING.
I'M GOING TO GIVE IT BACK
AFTER CLASS.
LOOKS LIKE MR. BONE HEAD'S
GOING TO NEED A LITTLE HELP
FINDING HIS TROPHY
IN LOCKER NUMBER 47.
I FOUND THIS NOTE
TAPED TO YOUR DOOR.
IT SAYS,
"ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL BONE HEAD."
NEVER MIND THAT-- GIVE IT HERE.
"I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING
YODELING IN LOCKER NUMBER 47.
SIGNED, 'WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO KNOW'"?
HEY, SKUNKY.
HEY, DOUG.
Doug:
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
MR. BONE WILL NEVER BELIEVE ME.
Bone:
SO YOU THOUGHT I'D FALL
FOR THE OLD TELLING-THE-TRUTH
GAG, DID YOU?
HONEST, MR. BONE-- I WAS FRAMED.
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR TROPHY.
YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS?
THE LATEST ISSUE OF
"MAN O STEEL MAN."
NO, IT'S YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
CORRECTION, IT WAS YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
NOW, IT'S CONFETTI.
YOU'RE THROUGH, FUNNIE--
FINISHED, WASHED UP.
Bone:
FINISHED, WASHED UP--
THAT'S WHAT THE GUILTY
PARTY'S GOING TO BE.
HE'LL NEVER BELIEVE ME.
COME ON, SKEETER.
COME ON, FLUSH, MAN.
SOMEBODY'S COMING.
Boy:
DOUG, WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
[ school bell rings]
PHEW.
AHA!
OH, LOOKS LIKE
ANOTHER WILD GOOSE CHASE--
IF YOU ASK ME.
WHAT?
WHERE IS IT?
FUNNIE'S NOT GOING TO GET OFF
THAT EASY.
NOT IF IHAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
HUH?
ROGER
BOYS AND GIRLS,
PLEASE TAKE OUT YOUR PENCILS
AND OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO PAGE TEN,
TO THE SECOND POWER.
EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION,
MRS. WINGO.
YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU IN MY
OFFICE P.D.Q.--
WHATEVER THA
STANDS FOR.
WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S WRONG.
YOU STOLE MY YODEL
MEISTER TROPHY.
NO, YOU CAN'T
THE TROPHY WAS SITTING OUTSIDE
MY OFFICE IN YOUR LUNCH BAG.
HOW DID I KNOW IT WAS YOUR BAG?
READ IT AND WEEP, MISTER.
THE CRIMINAL MIND ALWAYS
SETS ITS OWN TRAP.
POOR DOUGIE--
DID SOMEBODY PLAY
A TRICK ON YOU?
YEAH, NICE TRICK, ROGER.
YOU CAN'T PROVE A THING, FUNNIE.
REMEMBER, THE TROPHY
WAS IN YOUR BAG.
OKAY, MR. TROPHY STEALER--
I'VE GOT 305 YODELING
TROPHIES TO SHINE.
I'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE POLISH.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
THE JUMBO-SIZED BOTTLE.
DOUG, YOU TATTLE ON ME
AND I'LL
I WON'T TELL, ROGER.
WHO'D BELIEVE ME ANYWAY?
POSSESSION'S NINE-TENTHS
OF THE LAW--
REMEMBER?
OH, YEAH--
I REMEMBER.
ROGER,
I WOULDN'T DO
SHUT UP, I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M SMART.
BUT ROGER
Roger:
I was clever enough
to sneak in here
AND STEAL MR. BONE HEAD'S
YODELING TROPHY.
[ yodels]
YES, MR. BONE--
I'm a fan of yodeling.
[ yodels]
[ laughter and yodeling]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I waited for Mr. Bone Head
to leave his office
snuck in and stole
his stupid trophy
and stuffed the goofy-looking
thing in your locker!
UH, ROGER, UH
WHAT'S THE MATTER, FUNNIE?
YOU LOOK AS GOOFY
AS MR. BONE HEAD.
[ screams]
MR. BONE, I CAN EXPLAIN--
UH, I CAN EXPLAIN.
DON'T EVEN TRY.
SAVE YOUR STRENGTH.
YOU'RE GOING
TO NEED IT ALL.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE POLISHING TROPHIES
FOR A LONG TIME,
MISTER.
OH, AND ROGER,
BEFORE YOU GO
I HAVE ONE MORE TROPHY
FOR YOU TO POLISH.
ONE MORE TROPHY?
NO PROBLEM, MR. BONE.
WHILE YOU'RE WORKING
I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU WITH THE SONG
THAT WON THAT AWARD.
AND IT GOES A LITTLE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
[ yodeling]
I WAS TOTALLY RELIEVED WHEN
BONE FOUND OUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
I GUESS THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN BEING THE BUTT
OF A PRACTICAL JOKE
IS BEING THE PERSON
WHO ACTUALLY DID IT.
HMM I WONDER
HOW ROGER'S DOING, ANYWAY.
[ Bone yodeling with record]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL,
IT'S ME AGAIN, DOUG.
SORRY I DIDN'T WRITE YESTERDAY.
I WAS TOO BUSY HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
IT ALL STARTED
YESTERDAY MORNING
TOREADOR, YA, HA, HA,
HA, HA ♪
OW!
QUIT POKING ME
WITH THAT STICK.
MOM, JUDY'S DOING
THAT BULLFIGHTER THING AGAIN.
I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW! ♪
WHAT?
TOREADOR
YOU KNOW, PORKCHOP
SOMETIMES I'M REALLY
GLAD JUDY GOES
TO HER OWN SCHOOL
INSTEAD OF OURS.
THEN IN CLASS, MRS. WINGO
MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
TOMORROW AFTERNOON, THERE WILL
BE A SPECIAL SCHOOL ASSEMBLY
AND IT'S GOING TO BE
INTRODUCED BY DOUG.
HUH?
Boy:
WAY TO GO, DOUG.
[ applause]
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M REALLY HAPPY
TO BE ANYWHERE EXCEPT CLASS!
[ Doug chuckles]
BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS
Wingo:
DOUG DOUG?
DON'T YOU WAN
TO KNOW
WHO YOU'RE
INTRODUCING?
SHE ASKED FOR
YOU ESPECIALLY.
WHO?
YOUR SISTER JUDY.
SHE'S GOING TO PERFORM
FOR ALL OF US.
JUDY.
[ eerie scream]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
Doug:
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, SKEET.
IN ONE DAY MY LIFE
WILL BE RUINED.
I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW.
MY SOUL THROBS.
I AM YOUR WASHING MACHINE.
[ audience mumbling]
RED TOWEL
[ sobbing]
PINK AFTER WET.
[ audience oohing]
[ Judy moaning]
[ sighs]
[ booing]
DOUG LOVES PATTI.
[ audience laughing]
MAYBE IT WON'
BE SO BAD, DOUG.
MAYBE IT'LL
BE NEAT.
I I MEAN, AWFUL.
DID I SAY NEAT?
UH, TERRIBLE.
[ door opens]
VOILA, VOILA, VOILA♪
trio singing off key:
GIVE US SOME SHAKES
CHOCOLATE AND TASTY ♪
WITH SURPRISE
PLEASE DON'T BE HASTY
KETCHUP, MUSTARD,
MAYO, LETTUCE ♪
JUST MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T FORGET US ♪
I THINK I SEE
WHAT YOU MEAN.
[ groaning]
Roger:
HEY, FUNNIE--
IS THIS A PREVIEW
OF TOMORROW'S SHOW?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.
[ forced laughter]
ALAS, OOH STRAWBERRY
I HAVE TO STOP HER--
FOR HER
OWN SAKE.
HOW CAN YOU
DO THAT?
MAYBE IF I
GET ON HER
GOOD SIDE.
MAYBE IF I USE
A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGY.
HEY JUDY
I'M PERFORMING
AT YOUR SCHOOL TOMORROW.
NOTHING WILL
CHANGE MY MIND.
OH, OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
DID YOU USE PSYCHOLOGY
ON HER, DOUG?
I GUESS PSYCHOLOGY DOESN'
WORK ON OLDER SISTERS.
OH.
I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.
[ whispering]
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!!
I HATE
HELLO.
Uh, hello, is this Judy Funnie,
the actress?
YES, IT IS--
WHO'S THIS PLEASE?
Oh, uh
YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I'M
A VERY FAMOUS PRODUCER
J.B. HUNKAMUNKA.
J.B. HUNKAMUNKA.
SHE'LL NEVER BUY THAT.
YOU WHAT?
YOU SAY YOU'VE HEARD OF ME.
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T DO
THAT SHOW TOMORROW.
Judy:REALLY?
Doug:
IT'S JUST NO
RIGHT FOR YOU.
I FEEL IT'S THE WRONG
WELL, JUST DON'T DO IT.
REALLY,
MR. HUNKAMUNKA.
THEN I'LL JUS
HAVE TO CANCEL IT.
REALLY?
I MEAN, REALLY?
GREAT, WELL, GOOD-BYE.
SHE BOUGHT IT, SKEET.
[ humming]
SKEET?
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH SKEETER?
I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST.
YOU HAVEN'T THE
UH-OH.
[ sighs]
DOUG, WHY CAN'
YOU DIG IT?
HUH?
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY YOU NEED ME
TO PERFORM
AT YOUR SCHOOL.
TOMORROW YOU'LL
THANK ME--
"MR. HUNKAMUNKA."
OH.
[ whistles]
NO, TOMORROW I'LL HAVE
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
JUDY NEVER PERFORMED ANYTHING
THAT MADE ME WANT TO THANK HER.
THE LAST TIME WE WERE ON STAGE
TOGETHER WAS A DISASTER.
THE DENTAL HYGIENE PLAY--
I WAS THE TOOTHBRUSH.
JUDY WAS PLAQUE.
HERE ARE THE TEETH
THAT WOULDN'T BRUSH.
I WILL COME AND
TURN THEM TO MUSH.
All:
OH, NO, SAVE US MR. TOOTHBRUSH.
WHOA!
HERE I AM AND PLAQUE
I WILL CRUSH.
TAKE THAT AND THA
AND THAT.
[ groans]
AND NOW PLAQUE IS GONE.
[ groans of agony]
AND NOW, PLAQUE IS GONE.
[ making dying noises]
JUDY.
Doug:
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
COME BACK HERE!
YUP, THAT PLAY
JUST ABOUT KILLED ME.
SO THERE I WAS, FACED WITH
ANOTHER JUDY PERFORMANCE.
ONLY PROBLEM WAS
I COULDN'T THINK OF ONE GOOD
EXCUSE TO GET ME OUT OF IT.
FUNNIE,
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
OH, HI ROGER.
I HOPE YOU AND YOUR
GOOFY SISTER HAVE FUN.
IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
[ laughs spitefully]
OH, MAN.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I JUST NEEDED A MINUTE TO THINK.
[ whimpers]
WHERE'S FUNNIE?
WE GOT A SHOW TO DO!
PORKCHOP, SHOULD I GO IN FRON
OF EVERYONE AND INTRODUCE JUDY?
[ whines]
IT COULD BE THE DENTAL
HYGIENE PLAY ALL OVER AGAIN.
Boy:
LET'S GO!
[ boys shouting]
BOY, I SURE COULD USE
A LITTLE FRESH AIR, PORKCHOP.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
THIS WAY, I THINK.
AND THERE SHE WAS.
THIS COULD BE
A VERY IMPORTAN
PERFORMANCE FOR ME.
SHAKESPEARE
FIRST PERFORMED
AT HIS BROTHER'S
GRADE SCHOOL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
CAN'T FIND HIM.
LET'S GET THIS SHOW
ON THE ROAD.
DIM THE LIGHTS!
BUT YOU TOLD DOUG
I WANTED HIM TO
INTRODUCE ME, RIGHT?
NOW, DEAR, WE HAVE
TO START.
All:
WE WANT THE SHOW!
WE WANT THE SHOW!
BUT WE HAVE TO WAI
FOR DOUG.
I WANTED HIM
TO SEE THIS.
LISTEN YOUNG LADY--
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME
FOR ALL THIS.
[ hooting]
WAIT!
I'M HERE.
OH
HI, JUDY.
[ applause]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
AND HERE'S SOMEONE I'VE KNOWN
ALL OF MY LIFE
AND MOST OF HERS.
MY SISTER--
PERFORMANCE ARTIST,
JUDY FUNNIE.
[ cheering]
[ Judy singing jazz tune]
SO IN THE END, I STOOD UP
FOR JUDY'S AC
BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED TO
SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY WATCH IT.
THEN I HEARD
SOMETHING UNEXPECTED.
[ cheering and applause]
Crowd:
JUDY, JUDY!
[ yelps]
[ excited talking]
I LAUGHED, I CRIED,
I GOT DIZZY.
IT WAS WILD.
Roger:
FUNNIE, YOU KNOW
WHAT I THOUGH
OF THAT SHOW?
WELL
I LOVED IT!
IT WAS GREAT!
REALLY?
IT COMPLETELY GOT ME
OUT OF A MATH TEST.
YOU CAN TELL
YOUR SISTER
SHE CAN COME BACK
ANYTIME SHE LIKES.
HUH?
HEY, JUDY--
CAN WE GET A PICTURE
FOR THE DAILY HONKER?
SURE, JUST A SECOND.
COME ON, DOUG.
UH
SO I GUESS IT TURNED OUT
ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T NEED TO HAVE
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AFTER ALL.
IT WASN'T EMBARRASSING
AND I THINK JUDY'S
ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD.
NO, QUITE SISTERLY.
[ yelping]
[ Judy shouting in Spanish]
QUITE EMBARRASSING.
SHE'S QUITE EMBARRASSING.
Doug:
JUDY!!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, NUTS?
DEAR JOURNAL,
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
I HATE PRACTICAL JOKES
ESPECIALLY WHEN I WIND UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE.
MR. BONE GOT HIS
YODELING TROPHY
STOLEN AGAIN.
WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL
THAT DUMB TROPHY?
I DIDN'T KNOW MR. BONE
KNEW HOW TO YODEL.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR?
MR. BONE FOUND IT INSIDE
A MEAT LOAF
IN THE CAFETERIA.
IMAGINE THE LOOK ON THE FACE
OF THE POOR SAP
WHO GETS CAUGHT WITH THAT
[ gasps]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
I WAS AS GOOD AS DEAD.
SOMEBODY HAD PLANTED THE TROPHY
IN MY LOCKER.
I SURE PITY THE FOOL
WITH BONE'S TROPHY
IN HIS LOCKER!
HUH?
OR BACKPACK, OR GYM BAG
OR WHATEVER.
WHAT WOULD BONE DO
TO THE PERSON WHO HAS IT?
LOCK HIM UP IN DETENTION
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
BUT I WAS FRAMED.
I MEAN, SUPPOSE THIS PERSON
WAS FRAMED.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE.
REMEMBER, POSSESSION
IS NINE-TENTHS
OF THE LAW.
ROGER WAS RIGHT.
I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE.
ALL THE EVIDENCE
WAS POINTING RIGHT AT ME.
GUILTY, GUILTY
I MEAN, ORDER, ORDER.
WE FOUND THE TROPHY
IN HIS LOCKER.
THEREFORE, HE IS GUILTY.
I REST MY CASE.
OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.
THE JURY SHOULD DECIDE THE
DEFENDANT'S GUILT OR INNOCENCE.
YOUR HONOR,
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S GUILTY.
Judge:
I PRONOUNCE YOU
GUILTY.
I SENTENCE YOU TO SIX MONTHS'
LABOR AT BONE'S YODELING SCHOOL.
OH, DOUG, HOW COULD YOU?
JUDGE WHITE, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?
I GRIEVE WHEN I THINK
THIS YOUNG PERSON'S PERMANEN
RECORD WILL BE SOILED
BY SUCH A SENSELESS CRIME
VOTE FOR ME.
Attention all teachers
and pupils.
This is Assistant Principal
Lamar Bone.
Report to your lockers
FOR A SURPRISE INSPECTION.
[ humming funeral march]
I PRACTICED FOR YEARS
TO WIN THAT TROPHY
AND NOW IT'S MISSING.
BUT I'LL FIND IT!
I ALWAYS DO!
AHA!
WHEN I CATCH THE PUPIL
WHO HAS MY TROPHY
THEY'LL SPEND
THE REST OF THEIR LIFE
IN DETENTION!
Skeeter:
WOW, SO YOU'RE THE ONE.
COOL, MAN, I'VE NEVER
KNOWN A CRIMINAL BEFORE.
NO SKEETER,
I'VE BEEN FRAMED.
SOMEONE PLANTED I
IN MY LOCKER.
HEY, DOUG.
HEY, SKEETER.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
HUH?
I MEAN,
HOW YOU DOING?
[ speaking pig latin]
YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.
ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR
LOCKER INSPECTION.
SEE YOU.
UH, SEE YOU.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WHATEVER IT IS
YOU BETTER DO IT NOW.
UH-OH.
OH.
MR. FUNNIE, I SMELL
SOME FUNNY BUSINESS.
IS IT COMING FROM YOU?
NO, MR. BONE.
YOU MUST BE SMELLING
SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHAT'S THAT HUMP
ON YOUR BACK?
WHAT HUMP?
YOU'RE PLAYING A GAME
OF MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE
AND I DON'T LIKE
BEING THE HAIRY APE!
Doug:
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
HMM.
HOW ABOUT, YOU WEEP A LOT?
[ sobs]
BEG FOR MERCY AND TELL MR. BONE
ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND SIX KIDS
THAT DON'T HAVE A TROPHY.
NO-- THE GUY WHO STOLE
THE TROPHY TWO YEARS AGO
TRIED BEGGING AND HE'S
STILL IN DETENTION.
OKAY, LET'S SEE.
I GOT IT.
YOU PLEAD INSANITY.
SKUNKY BEAUMONT TRIED THAT.
HE HAS TO GO TO THE GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR EVERY DAY.
THIS IS TOUGHER
THAN I THOUGHT.
I WONDER IF ANYONE'S EVER
TOLD THE TRUTH.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S WHAT?
YOU SAID IT.
TELL THE TRUTH.
IT MIGHT JUST BE
CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.
TELL THE TRUTH YEAH.
[ cheering, applause]
WE'RE PROUD
OF OUR BLUFFINGTON YOUTH.
TODAY WE HONOR DOUG FUNNIE.
HE DARED TO BE HONEST.
NOW, WE MUST DARE TO BE A DOUG.
OH, DOUG, YOU'RE SO HONEST.
AND NOW A VERY GOOD
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE--
ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL LAMAR BONE.
[ cheering]
DOUGLAS YANCY FUNNIE,
I AM PROUD
TO REWARD
YOUR HONESTY
BY GIVING YOU THE RES
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR OFF.
[ chanting:]
DOUGIE, DOUGIE, DOUGIE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THE EVIDENCE?
I'M PUTTING THE
YODEL MEISTER AWARD
IN MY LOCKER
FOR SAFEKEEPING.
I'M GOING TO GIVE IT BACK
AFTER CLASS.
LOOKS LIKE MR. BONE HEAD'S
GOING TO NEED A LITTLE HELP
FINDING HIS TROPHY
IN LOCKER NUMBER 47.
I FOUND THIS NOTE
TAPED TO YOUR DOOR.
IT SAYS,
"ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL BONE HEAD."
NEVER MIND THAT-- GIVE IT HERE.
"I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING
YODELING IN LOCKER NUMBER 47.
SIGNED, 'WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO KNOW'"?
HEY, SKUNKY.
HEY, DOUG.
Doug:
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
MR. BONE WILL NEVER BELIEVE ME.
Bone:
SO YOU THOUGHT I'D FALL
FOR THE OLD TELLING-THE-TRUTH
GAG, DID YOU?
HONEST, MR. BONE-- I WAS FRAMED.
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR TROPHY.
YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS?
THE LATEST ISSUE OF
"MAN O STEEL MAN."
NO, IT'S YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
CORRECTION, IT WAS YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
NOW, IT'S CONFETTI.
YOU'RE THROUGH, FUNNIE--
FINISHED, WASHED UP.
Bone:
FINISHED, WASHED UP--
THAT'S WHAT THE GUILTY
PARTY'S GOING TO BE.
HE'LL NEVER BELIEVE ME.
COME ON, SKEETER.
COME ON, FLUSH, MAN.
SOMEBODY'S COMING.
Boy:
DOUG, WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
[ school bell rings]
PHEW.
AHA!
OH, LOOKS LIKE
ANOTHER WILD GOOSE CHASE--
IF YOU ASK ME.
WHAT?
WHERE IS IT?
FUNNIE'S NOT GOING TO GET OFF
THAT EASY.
NOT IF IHAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
HUH?
ROGER
BOYS AND GIRLS,
PLEASE TAKE OUT YOUR PENCILS
AND OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO PAGE TEN,
TO THE SECOND POWER.
EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION,
MRS. WINGO.
YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU IN MY
OFFICE P.D.Q.--
WHATEVER THA
STANDS FOR.
WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S WRONG.
YOU STOLE MY YODEL
MEISTER TROPHY.
NO, YOU CAN'T
THE TROPHY WAS SITTING OUTSIDE
MY OFFICE IN YOUR LUNCH BAG.
HOW DID I KNOW IT WAS YOUR BAG?
READ IT AND WEEP, MISTER.
THE CRIMINAL MIND ALWAYS
SETS ITS OWN TRAP.
POOR DOUGIE--
DID SOMEBODY PLAY
A TRICK ON YOU?
YEAH, NICE TRICK, ROGER.
YOU CAN'T PROVE A THING, FUNNIE.
REMEMBER, THE TROPHY
WAS IN YOUR BAG.
OKAY, MR. TROPHY STEALER--
I'VE GOT 305 YODELING
TROPHIES TO SHINE.
I'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE POLISH.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
THE JUMBO-SIZED BOTTLE.
DOUG, YOU TATTLE ON ME
AND I'LL
I WON'T TELL, ROGER.
WHO'D BELIEVE ME ANYWAY?
POSSESSION'S NINE-TENTHS
OF THE LAW--
REMEMBER?
OH, YEAH--
I REMEMBER.
ROGER,
I WOULDN'T DO
SHUT UP, I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M SMART.
BUT ROGER
Roger:
I was clever enough
to sneak in here
AND STEAL MR. BONE HEAD'S
YODELING TROPHY.
[ yodels]
YES, MR. BONE--
I'm a fan of yodeling.
[ yodels]
[ laughter and yodeling]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I waited for Mr. Bone Head
to leave his office
snuck in and stole
his stupid trophy
and stuffed the goofy-looking
thing in your locker!
UH, ROGER, UH
WHAT'S THE MATTER, FUNNIE?
YOU LOOK AS GOOFY
AS MR. BONE HEAD.
[ screams]
MR. BONE, I CAN EXPLAIN--
UH, I CAN EXPLAIN.
DON'T EVEN TRY.
SAVE YOUR STRENGTH.
YOU'RE GOING
TO NEED IT ALL.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE POLISHING TROPHIES
FOR A LONG TIME,
MISTER.
OH, AND ROGER,
BEFORE YOU GO
I HAVE ONE MORE TROPHY
FOR YOU TO POLISH.
ONE MORE TROPHY?
NO PROBLEM, MR. BONE.
WHILE YOU'RE WORKING
I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU WITH THE SONG
THAT WON THAT AWARD.
AND IT GOES A LITTLE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
[ yodeling]
I WAS TOTALLY RELIEVED WHEN
BONE FOUND OUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
I GUESS THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN BEING THE BUTT
OF A PRACTICAL JOKE
IS BEING THE PERSON
WHO ACTUALLY DID IT.
HMM I WONDER
HOW ROGER'S DOING, ANYWAY.
[ Bone yodeling with record]