Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001) s01e05 Episode Script

Good evening.
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
Some years ago, I was travelling in Haiti with a young native boy.
We found ourselves stranded alone with no food.
We huddled together for warmth.
When I awoke in the morning, I discovered he had eaten his own chin.
That day, I learnt an important lesson.
Never eat your own chin.
Had I feasted on my own chin, I'd be ill-equipped to introduce tonight's tale.
Meet Lester Crown, a dancer who is destined to become footloose.
World ballroom champion, the man with the liquid feet, it's Mr Dance Himself, Lester Crown, and his good lady wife, the Beauteous Beatrice.
And now please greet gladly our surprise guest.
It's Britain's tapping sensation, Randolph Cleveland! Most amusing novelty act.
Why can't a woman be more like my size 9 feet? Supportive, dependable, loyal - Darling, what's wrong? - Randolph ruddy Cleveland.
He's all show.
He's a show-off who shows off for showing off's sake.
All right.
Randy and I were once engaged.
Why can't you understand that relationship ended when I broke it off? Beatrice! No! Ah! Sharp! Beatrice! Randolph! No No! Ah! Heck! Dash! Scissors They're loosening! Oh, no! N-o-o-o-o-o! N-o-o-o-o-o! Aghhh! Not my feet! Darling, it's all right.
You were having a bad dream.
Everything will be fine.
Thank God! Dr Lorimer Maitland, head, shoulders, knees and toes specialist and Europe's foremost authority on the pioneering technique of foot transplantation.
Foot transplantation? N-o-o-o-o-o-o! Doctor, can you help him? All we need is to find a pair of donor feet within the next 24 hours, ideally matching.
We can but wait and hope.
Oh, darling! - The operation? - It was a complete success! Yes, congratulations! See for yourself.
But they're They're on the wrong way round! No, darling, you've got your legs crossed.
Ah! - Thank God for that! - I'll just, er get rid of this.
Well, Lester, I'm happy to say your feet are functioning perfectly.
- Really? - You can't walk on them for 10 months.
Apart from that, treat them like your old pair.
Nearly a year before I can stand or walk? Then how long before I can dance? Two years, three years? Never? You'll have to take it a step at a time.
Do you know what it's like to live on wheels? Do you? No, you stand there on your own smug feet, squandering God's most precious gift on footballing and walking.
You're right, of course.
Forgive me.
I had a dream last night.
I could walk again.
I could walk, but I had no power over my feet.
In fact, it was they who had power over me.
They took me to the quayside.
N- o-o-o-o-ol Aghhh! Beatrice, what a picture you look! Well, Lester, I bet she keeps you on your toes! Right, I'll see you again on Thursday.
I'm afraid he's not entirely himself.
Sorry, I'm always tripping over my feet - Well, goodbye, Doctor.
- Goodbye.
Matches in my dressing gown pocket? Coming.
Coming, coming! - Do come in, Mr, er - My name is Unim Pawtont.
And how can I help you, Mr Pawtont? You are standing on my brother's feet.
- I beg your pardon? - My brother, Mosim Pawtont.
It seems you have stolen his feet.
My dear sir, these are my feet.
So sorry.
A very impressive What's the word? Beaker? Cup.
Trophy cup.
Awarded to me for furthering awareness of the pirouette.
Mr Crown Voodoo law requires my brother's remains to be returned to our native island to be purified in a sacred rite.
Otherwise, if those feet are not removed, they will turn to evil.
Stop it, you're being foreign and ridiculous.
- Removed? - Once they turn evil, those feet will turn in on you.
- Then YOU will become evil.
- You don't scare me.
- I'm barely irked.
- Those feet will wreak havoc.
- Nonsense, man.
- Believe me.
Those feet will reek.
- What do you mean? - I sense they've already tasted blood.
Mr Crown, you leave me no option.
Not again! Hello! You didn't say you were having visitors.
Mr Crown has a connection with my brother.
- Will you be stopping? - I'm afraid I must cut Mr Crown short.
Another time.
I'm living on borrowed feet.
I admit you're having an abnormal reaction, but that's normal.
Ouch! - Sharp, aren't they? - They make mincemeat of parquet.
Yes, I think we'll prune you back a little.
Nurse.
I'll get your notes.
Don't worry.
These can cut through solid bone.
- Sedative? - Yes, please.
- You're a hoofer, aren't you? - A consort of the Terpsichorean muse.
I love tap dancing.
You don't know that Randolph Cleveland, do you? - Our paths have crossed.
- Oh, he's ever so dreamy.
- Gorgeous teeth.
- Perhaps his greatest attribute.
Randolph Cleveland! He was engaged to Beauteous Beatrice.
What a shame they split up.
They made such a lovely couple.
Randolph Cleveland.
Yes, of course! Feet of genius, taps like a god.
Marvellous teeth, too.
"Large footprints.
" Mr Crown, might I take a closer look at? Awful bloody business, this.
Bleedin' corpses everywhere.
Yes, Inspector.
A maniac must have struck whilst Lester lay sedated.
Under normal circumstances, you'd be our number one suspect.
Mr Crown, is it? Yes.
Anyway luckily for you, you're lame.
Yes, most fortunate - So what have you got to go on? - Precious little, I'm afraid.
The only clues we've got are some footprints.
Footprints? Where? Around one of the victim's windpipe.
Strangled, like that? - It's impossible, isn't it? - Not for someone with gifted feet.
If he so desires, a man may teach his feet to master great skills.
Typing painting treading grapes Maybe even murder.
My opinion, sir, we're looking for someone with total control over their feet.
That, Inspector, is something I dearly wish I had.
That's his fifth century.
These fellows are natural athletes.
A great sense of freedom to his batting.
The Caribbeans 520 for no wickets.
England all out for none.
- I enjoyed myself today, Beattie.
- So did I.
- I've lost all feeling in my legs.
- We may have pushed it too far.
Nothing like being up against it.
Until midnight, then.
He'll be very pleased with that, as well he might be.
Hello, darling.
Have you been drinking? - BEEN drinking? I still AM drinking.
- Are you going to hop into bed? Well, I should have a lie down.
I've been on my feet all day.
Ooh My balls are all hard.
Shall I wheel you to the toilet? Why don't you just turn this wheelchair into a commode? No need to push me anywhere! I'd do toilet right here.
Is that what you want? I CAN stand.
I WILL walk.
Yes! What? May the feet walk back to me To me No, no, no N-o-o-o-o! Beatrice? What? Randolph Cleveland?! With MY wife? No! Ahhh! What's afoot? Ahh! Ooh! Damn! No! No, God damn Aghh! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait! Pins and needles! That drink's gone straight to my head! Where are we going tonight? - I ought to be going.
- Wait.
I've got something downstairs that I'm sure will give you enormous pleasure.
Irresistible and compelling.
A-ha! Good Lord! Lester, how nice to see you up on your feet again.
So Randolph Cleveland.
Having a lovely time with my lawfully wedded wife? We're rehearsing.
The Rialto asked me to do your season, I need a partner, and Beattie's in no position to refuse work.
First you take my wife, then my summer season.
I haven't taken her.
I have the utmost respect for Beattie.
- I'm using her as a stepping stone.
- Well, Mr Tapping Sensation No, of course, it's Mr Dance Himself now, isn't it? I tell you this, you'll never be big enough to fill my shoes.
Quite.
Face it, old man, your wife wants to tango and you you just haven't got the proper equipment.
Randy? Randy? I'm afraid your Randy days are over.
Lester! Darling You can stand! Only so much.
Get back! I lose my feet and you run to someone else's arms behind my back.
Now you're under his thumb.
- You adulterant! - Lester, I love you.
Your operation took all our finances.
I knew you'd go mad to learn I was doing it with Randy, so I Where is Randy? - Randy! - Help me! Meet Randolph Cleveland.
Mr wife-stealer himself.
He was only my dancing partner! What about the night of my accident? What was his "position" then? I I was having this dress fitted with Renault.
What did you think I was doing? - Is everything all right, Mrs Crown? - Yes, Renault.
- Fine.
- The "R".
It stands for Renault, not Randolph.
Oh, Beatrice! - How can I ever make amends? - Mr Crown.
A pleasure Aghh! - You tripped him! - Didn't.
You did.
With the same feet that killed Randy! Oh, my God! The foot murders at the hospital.
You killed Dr Maitland and the nurse.
- And now you're going to kill me! - No, no, I didn't want to kill anyone except Randolph.
And even that was sort of a mistake.
Why is that foot pointing at me? No! No! NO! Must fight the feet! I've been such a jealous fool! Evening, Mr Crown.
Mrs Crown.
Inspector, I MUST have music.
You've led us a merry dance long enough.
Recognise your signature, sir? I'm arresting you for the murder of Dr Maitland and his nurse.
- Caution him.
- You have the right to remain silent - though I should warn you that - Beatrice, help me! Hurry! For God's sake, please chase me! - Hurry! - Darling! Lester! Lester, please! I want things the way they were before that business with the big scissors.
So do I! - Lester, don't do it! - I don't want to die.
It's them.
My feet are killing me! You cannot defeat de feet.
Defeat de feet - Aghh! - Lester! It's all right, darling.
I've got you.
It's going to be all right.
I I can feel it.
- Aghhhh! - Thank God we're in time.
Lester! - Darling! - Oh, Lester! Darling, please don't remember me like this.
Remember me as Mr Dance Himself, with the feet we both used to love so much.
It was never the feet.
It was always you I loved.
Oh, Lester! I love you.
That was truly diabolical.
Consider there are nearly twice as many feet as human beings.
A chilling thought.
We are outnumbered almost two to one.
So tread carefully.
Goodnight.
February 2017