Ed (2000) s01e05 Episode Script

1 You know what, I brought you here tonight for one reason and one reason alone.
To watch you talk to girls.
I know.
To relive my single life vicariously through you.
I know.
Yeah, you know all this yet you continue to sit there, not talking to girls.
I know.
Honey, leave him alone.
-If I were you, Nance, I'd back me up on this.
Otherwise, I might give into temptation and start talking to girls myself.
Know what, honey? Knock yourself out.
Olivia Newton-John (on TV): All I was sent to do was to make Xanadu happen.
Michael Beck: I don't get it.
Newton-John: Sunny, you have to believe me when I tell you that I never meant to hurt you.
That was the last thing I wanted to happen.
(tapping) It's open.
It's open! (tapping) (door opening) When I left this house approximately 24 hours ago you were watching the movieXanadu.
You are still watching the movieXanadu.
This frightens me.
Molly, I just ended a seven year relationship.
I feel I have the right to spend a couple of days watching Olivia Newton-John as a singing, dancing, roller skating muse from Mount Olympus.
Okay.
Move over.
Aw.
So, has Ed asked you out yet? No.
No, he's actually been a real friend during all this.
That won't last.
It's only a matter of time before he makes his move.
Molly, Ed is not going to ask me out.
He knows better.
For weeks, the only thing standing between me and Carol Vessey is her boyfriend.
Now, she breaks up with her boyfriend, and where am I? I'm at the Smiling Goat trying to pick up women.
Eddie, trust me, I'm a woman.
I know about these things.
Now is not the time to make the move on Carol Vessey.
Okay.
All right, I'll wait for the time being.
Ed, ten bucks if you go over there and you ask that cute blonde if you can buy her a drink.
That's all you got? With these beer nuts in your mouth.
Excuse me, um, can I buy you a drink? (laughter) (rhythm and guitar playing) .
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
ED Okay, that's it for today.
See you tomorrow.
So, how are we today? Well, since you asked Oh, no, you ran into Nick.
-Not yet, but here's the thing, Molly.
I have to go by his classroom every day after third period in order to get to the cafeteria and he knows exactly when to expect me and he always looks up and gives me a wink, you know.
It's our little ritual.
So you'd have to go all the way around the building just to avoid his classroom? Yes, and just thinking about it makes me feel sick.
So don't do it.
You're right.
You're right.
I can't imagine Nick changing his route to avoid me.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Good for you.
You're right.
Hello, ladies.
Well, hello, Godfrey.
So, Carol, I understand you and Nick have gone your separate ways.
Yeah, yeah, we have.
Well, as a history teacher I find I spend most of my time looking at the past but right now I see a future for me and you.
Godfrey, that is so flattering really it is.
But I've had to swear off dating people at work, you know? Oh.
Well if you change your mind.
Thanks.
Thanks, Godfrey.
Today Godfrey Blankman, tomorrow, Ed Stevens.
Molly, stop.
So what can I do for you folks? Chuck and I are supposed to get married this Saturday.
Oh, congratulations.
But now we have to cancel the wedding.
Show him, honey.
Oh, my.
Well, I brought a picture to my hairdresser of Martha Stewart and I asked for the Martha cut.
This is not the Martha cut.
No.
This hairdresser, did she, by any chance have any reason to hate you? Not that I know of.
She was always perfectly friendly to me.
Look, Mr.
Stevens Chuck and I don't have a lot of money and postponing this wedding is going to cost us thousands.
So, you'd like to sue? All we want is what's fair.
Well, it sounds to me like you do deserve some compensation.
In fact, you might even have a case against Martha Stewart.
I'm kidding.
All right, young scholars.
Your day of reckoning has come.
You will spend the next hour answering five essay questions on theCanterbury Tales.
The test will count for 20% of your midterm grade.
That is, unless I throw it in the garbage and give you all As which I will do under one condition.
What's that, Mr.
Stanton? One of you must say something that moves me that makes me feel something, anything, I don't care.
Make me sad, make me happy, piss me off a word, a sentence, a speech the choice is yours just as long as you move me.
Any takers or should I start passing out the tests? Yes, Jessica? My parents got divorced last year.
Ever since then, they've been fighting over me like I'm the car or the house, just another possession.
I don't think they know what they're doing to me.
Or maybe they just don't care.
No, I'm sorry, Jessica.
I'm sure your pain is very real, but it's all just a little too familiar.
You're going to have to dig deeper.
Okay, now, everybody, now since I bought this bowling alley we have turned it into what I believe is Stuckeyville's premiere amusement destination.
However, we're still not getting as many customers as I would like.
So what we need to do is put the word out there that Stuckey Bowl istheplace to be.
Any ideas? Yes, Phil.
Nature's billboard, baby.
Translation, please? Skywriting just imagine "Stuckey Bowl" etched across the heavens.
Sends chills down my spine.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
I just think we need Oh, come on, Bosco! I know a guy out at the airfield Jack Fundus, best in the business.
What makes him the best in the business? The dude crosses his Zs.
-Right.
Well, I think we need something a little less temporary, you know.
Yes, Shirley? You weren't supposed to call on me.
Then why did you raise your hand? In school, if people raised their hands the teacher thought they knew the answer so they would call on someone else who wasn't raising their hand.
-Gotcha.
Yes, Kenny.
-We should get that "where's the beef?" lady.
She was hilarious.
No matter how many times she asked she never found out where the beef was.
That's so true, man.
The location of the beef was always kept a mystery.
Well-observed, Kenneth.
Where's the beef? Where's the beef? Where's the beef? Actually, that does give me an idea.
We could just rent some cheap commercial time on a local TV station, right? Okay, I'll do it, but I demand final cut.
You'll do what? I'll direct the commercial.
Phil, you're not a director.
Ed, as the great Jean Renoir once said "I am not a director.
I am a storyteller.
"The only thing I bring "to this illogical, irresponsible and cruel universe is my love.
" Yes, Shirley? Please stop calling on me.
Mmm.
Hey, Carol.
Hey.
Hi.
I'm just going to meet Molly for lunch.
Oh, great.
I'm on the way to the hairdresser's.
Perm, highlight? Both.
I have a client who's suing her hairdresser, actually.
I have often wanted to do that.
So how you doing? How you holding up, you know, post Nick? Good, you know, okay.
Bad, actually, I'd have to say I'm kind of bad.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, it's funny you know, the humans, we're fully evolved.
We've got the big brains and the opposable thumbs and we still have no idea how to get over a breakup.
I would gladly trade the opposable thumbs.
Frankly, I think they are highly overrated.
Hey, you know, you know what I think the key is, Carol? Keep moving forward.
You got to keep moving forward.
That way you don't spend time sulking and brooding over the breakup.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Really.
And that's why I wanted to thank you so much for being such a good friend to me the other night.
Really, it's it's so important to have good friends at a time like this.
It really is.
Yeah.
So important.
Absolutely, yeah.
Very, very important.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have friends at a time like this.
It's just so Important? So, so important.
Isn't it though? Excuse me, Ramona Barney? Yes.
My name's Ed Stevens.
I'm the legal representative of Lois Cornwall and Chuck Harris.
I'm afraid I'm here to serve you with a lawsuit.
For what? You ruined her hair, Ms.
Barney.
Whether it was accidental or intentional I gave that woman a perfectly lovely haircut.
Made her look like Martha.
All she needed was a blue denim shirt and that stupid glue gun.
The haircut I saw bore little resemblance to Martha Stewart.
I cut her hair the way she wanted it.
I find that hard to believe.
Believe me or don't believe me.
She's telling the truth.
-Who are you? I'm the shampoo guy.
Mm-hmm.
She made it all a little easier -Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
As the kids like to say: What's going down? We're talking about the feeding frenzy at school.
All the male teachers are circling Carol like barracudas.
Molly Ah.
Well, that must be nice for you.
Have you accepted any dates? Molly is exaggerating.
I think maybe one guy has asked me out.
Who? Just some history teacher.
Okay, and what about Mark Mitchell? Okay.
It is very flattering to be asked out.
But what you have to understand is these guys don't know me.
I think they just they want to go out with a blonde or something.
I bet she has a new boyfriend by the end of the week.
-Hello, Carol.
Barry.
Barry teaches chemistry.
Ah, that's nice.
So, Carol, did you happen to know that I'm a member of Club 109? -Club 109 No.
What is that? It's the exclusive fraternity of those of us who've memorized all 109 elements in the Periodic Table.
Ah.
That's, that's great, Barry.
Antimony, arsenic, aluminum selenium, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, iridium nickel, neptunium, germanium iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, lanthanum, osmium, astatine, iridium gold and protactinium and indium and gallium, iodine and thorium, thulium, thallium yttrium, ytterbium actinium, rubidium boron, gadolinium, neodymium, strontium and silicon, silver and samarium bismuth and rhenium, beryllium, holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium and phosphorous and francium and fluorine and tellurium manganese and mercury, molybdenum and magnesium dysprosium, scandium, cerium, cesium and lead.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Jack Fundus? That's me.
I'm looking to have something skywritten.
You bet.
What are you thinking? "Be mine, Carol.
" See, here's the thing.
I've kind of been down the road before with this girl.
You skywrote before and you didn't use me? No, no.
The big romantic gesture twice, actually.
It didn't work out.
You know, I, uh, once, I put on a suit of armor the other time I made a videotape of myself singing for her and that didn't go so well.
I got my wife by placing a white-hot poker straight on my bare ass.
Is that right? -Yes, sir, it is.
Um, you see, the first two times, she said no.
So, this has gotta be perfect, you see? 'Cause this is it for me last shot.
Doesn't work, I'm done.
And you're going with, uh, "Be mine, Carol"? Yes, sir.
Hmm.
(clears throat) Wai-Wait.
What? No What do you mean, "Hmm?" What's wrong with "Be mine, Carol"? No, no, it's nothing.
You know, it's, uh, sweet.
What's wrong with it? I don't want to tell you how to run your life but women don't like to be told what to do.
I mean, if you tell her "Be mine" she's going to resent it.
Oh, well, what do you recommend? "Won't youplease be mine, Carol?" Okay, sure, great, okay.
Good, good, good, good.
Uh, it's 20 bucks a letter that'll be Aah, hold on, hold on.
I see what's going on here.
You're trying to drive up the price by making it longer.
It saddens me that you would suggest such a thing.
(sighs) I told you, I'm paid up.
I'm over this.
(sighs) Mike, this is no good.
What's no good, Nance? This sitting here on the couch watching TV.
You know, honey, we have a couple of hours a night to enjoy each other's company.
We should really try to make it count.
But I thought you likedMannix.
Mike, I'm serious.
Honey, we're so busy all the time.
You know, if we're not careful we're going to wake up one day and just realize that we've wasted our lives.
We have got to shake it up a little bit.
All right, honey.
What would like to do to shake it up? Hmm (giggles) I want you to read the first two chapters of this by tomorrow night and we'll get together and discuss it.
The Sun Also Rises.
If I read this, what are you going to read? The same thing.
I'll go to the bookstore and get a copy.
Nance, we've got like 500 books on our shelves we've never read.
You really think we should be getting doubles? I I think this, I think this could be fun.
Can you cover my noon study hall today? I've got some errands to run.
-Well, I would, but I can't.
Why not? Ed Stevens asked me to meet him outside today at noon.
Oh, here we go.
The chickens have come home to roost.
Time for the big "ask out.
" God, I hope not.
(woman giggling): No, you didn't.
You did not do that.
Nick: It's true.
It's true.
(feigned laughter) Oh, so that's why they call it a pommel horse, huh? (laughter) Derek, you're hysterical.
I can't believe that.
I'll see you.
Wow.
Hi.
Hi.
I found, um, some of your old notebooks.
Oh.
I can bring them in sometime, if you'd like.
Sure.
I made this for you in the wood shop.
It's a bird feeder.
The hairdresser says you asked for the cut; you say you didn't.
So it comes down to he said, she said.
Except you're both shes that makes it a she said, she said.
So how do we prove that we're right? We need more evidence of the hairdresser's incompetence.
This isn't enough? No, I think we need to find someone else who got a terrible cut.
Yeah, baby, look at me! Good, keep it real! Keep it pure.
This is great, Curly.
Okay, yes! You have a tragic beauty.
Phil! Bosco, I'm practicing.
Hey, check this out.
NYPD Blue.
Give me some Sipowicz.
You know, I always wanted to go on a stakeout.
One of my favorite movies was the movieStakeout.
Even better than that was the sequel, Another Stakeout.
They really took it to the next level.
Keep your eyes glued to that door and as soon as someone comes out with a bad haircut, pounce.
Right.
I brought coffee.
Great.
I didn't know what size you wanted so I got small, medium and large.
Um, Kenny, you could have just brought me a large.
I would have drank as much or as little as I wanted, right? Yeah.
But this way, you have a choice: small, medium, or large.
Yeah okay.
Kenny Hmm? The eagle has landed.
Mm-hmm.
Go.
Oh.
Yeah.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What do you want? I'm with the law offices of Edward J.
Stevens, Esquire.
We'd like you to testify to the incompetence of one Ramona Barney, hairdresser.
Incompetence? She gave you that lousy haircut.
This is a lousy haircut? Trust me, ma'am, you look terrible.
Hey! Hello.
Hi, Carol, hey.
So, here we are, 12:00 sharp.
There you go.
There you are.
So, um, how's school today? It's okay.
Oh, good, I'm glad, I'm glad.
How's the syllabus? Well, Ed, you know, it's your basic syllabus.
Is it? Good.
Great.
Um, Carol? Yes? I know every guy in the world is asking you out right now but I was wondering Ed, Don't.
What? Don't what? What's the matter? Oh, I'm so disappointed.
Disappointed? Disappointed in what? I am having a very hard time and you, of all people, should understand what I'm going through.
And what do you do? You come here and ask me out.
Is that really fair? I don't know what you're talking about.
I am talking about the fact that you came to my house and you made me a sundae and you told me we were friends.
And now it's, "Oh, forget about what Carol needs.
Let's make sure we do what's best for Ed.
" You're just like everybody else.
I didn't ask you out.
You were about to ask me out.
I was not going to ask you out.
Oh, really? That's right.
Well, what were you going to ask me? What was I going to I was going to ask you I was going to ask you if you needed anything.
Really.
Yeah, that's right.
Carol, I find this insulting, I really do.
And you know what? I have to go.
I have to go.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving right now.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
Ed, I'm sorry.
I, I Yes, hello.
I need to speak to Jack Fundus immediately.
I know he's in the plane.
Just tell him it's an emergency.
(sighs) Fundus, Fundus, listen.
No, wait, actually, that's too obvious.
Here's what you do.
"Be mine Carl.
" Oh, hors d'oeuvres.
This is already better than college.
(sighs) Okay why don't you start? Me? Yeah.
Okay.
How do I do that? Well, um, what did you think of the first two chapters? The first two chapters ofThe Sun Also Rises.
Yeah, yeah.
What did you think? Well, they were, uh, you know, they were good.
Yeah, but why, how? Let's talk about the characters the, um, symbolism Jake Barnes, Robert Cohn Spain.
Spain, yeah.
Well, uh, I believe I believe that Ernest Hemingway was trying to tell us that the sun, in addition to setting also does other things.
Right.
And also Ernest Hemingway loved bullfights.
Couldn't get enough of the bullfights.
He went all the time.
Yeah.
Yeah, and machismo.
He really loved machismo, you know.
Bullfights and machismo.
Bullfights and machismo.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If you gave Hemingway some bullfights and a little machismo, he was a happy, happy man.
Did you read any of these two chapters? Yes, I did, Nance.
I mean recently, like, not in high school? Nance, I don't have time to read.
That's great, Mike.
Okay, you know what? You're not taking me seriously.
Nance, what about Mariel Hemingway? She was inStar 80.
Can we discuss that? Okay, Kit and Coco, I need you guys to skooch together a little bit more.
Well done.
Now, arch the backs.
Splendid, and I think we're ready to try one.
Moisture.
Thank you.
You're very tall.
And action.
Stuckey Bowl is the hottest place to bowl.
So hot.
That's why we bowl here all the time.
With all our hot friends.
So, if you come Cut, cut, cut cut.
Cocoa, love, it is not "with all our hot friends", remember? It's "with all oursuperhot friends.
" Right? Trust the page, okay.
Just fall back and let the words catch you.
Let's go again.
This time, maybe a little lip action together, just a bit Excuse me.
Hello, ladies.
Phil, may I have a word with you? Bosco, I'm really under the gun here.
Phil.
Um I don't want strippers in the Stuckey Bowl commercial.
Why? Because Stuckey Bowl is a family place.
It's a nice place.
It's not a stripper kind of place.
Okay, Bosco.
You and I are having some serious creative differences here but, hey, you're the boss.
Ladies, thank you very much.
We're going in a different direction.
Kenny will validate your parking.
You're breaking their little stripper hearts.
-I know.
Hi.
Hi.
I, um, I brought your notebooks.
Thanks.
So how are you doing? You want to know how I'm doing? Yeah, I do.
I'm great, Carol.
Couldn't be better.
Seven years of my life were just incinerated and tossed to the winds.
Feels good.
Feels great.
Why are you here? What do you want from me? I thought maybe we could be Be friends? Yeah, maybe or at least talk.
I mean, it feels so strange to go from being together for so long to not even being able to say a word to each other.
You know? You know, Carol there's something girls like you never understand.
Girls like me? You have cake.
When you eat the cake there is no more cake.
You can't have the cake and eat the cake.
I see.
You got plenty of friends.
I got plenty of friends.
This right here was never about friendship.
Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
Hi.
Honey? This is Professor Kaplan.
Professor Kaplan? Hello, sir.
Professor Kaplan's here to teach us Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
And why is that, honey? Well, I was thinking, it would be a new and different way to spend the evening and I found Professor Kaplan here at the community college and I think it's time that you and I learned Einstein's Theory of Relativity once and for all.
Uh, all right, I'm game.
Let me just shut off Baywatch Hawaiihere.
Okay, ready.
Is there anything I can get you before we get started? Got any grapes? -Sure, sure.
Now, these photographs were taken of customers leaving Hair Today.
However, none of these women are willing to testify that they received a bad haircut.
-What about this girl? Her hair looks like it's been twisted into knots.
That's a French braid, Chuck.
Very stylish with young people today.
Yeah, so what can we do? I'm going to put you on the stand, Lois and you'll just tell the judge what happened.
-But won't Ramona just say the opposite? Probably, but it'll be our job to convince the judge to believe you.
How do we do that? -I'll just ask you to say what happened.
You just tell the truth.
Using the Lorentz transformation we can replace the space/time variables X, Y, Z and T of the Galilean reference body, K with the space/time variables X prime, Y prime, Z prime and K prime.
So I'll give you guys a call tomorrow and I'll tell you what time you need to be in court.
Thanks, Ed.
If you're as good a bowling alley operator as you are a lawyer, then I'll bet you're a very good bowling alley operator You know, assuming that you're a good lawyer.
Thanks, Chuck.
Good night.
Kenny, I'm not here.
Gee, that's a tough one.
What? All right, I give up.
What are you talking about? Isn't that one of those brain ticklers? Kenny, listen to me.
I just saw Carol in the parking lot, okay? We had this big fight the other day when I went to the school to do the whole skywriting thing.
I don't feel like seeing her right now.
It was a little embarrassing.
No problem, boss.
You know, I always liked that brain tickler where the doctor is the kid's mother.
Hi, Kenny.
Hello, Carol.
Is Ed around? Ed? Here? No.
Do you know where he is? Kenny? Buenos Aires.
Thank you so much, Professor.
That was really fascinating.
I hope you understood everything.
Everything's relative, right? Well, actually, if by that you mean Oh, no.
I was kidding.
I totally get it.
E=MC squared It's genius.
Well, all right.
Bye-bye.
Great evening, honey.
Please, Mike.
If I didn't keep nudging you you would have fallen asleep.
Nance, I couldn't understand a word the guy said, could you? No, but at least I tried, Mike.
You know, at least I am attempting to not waste what limited time we have on this planet sitting on the couch doing nothing.
God, Mike, we're going to be 80 years old and not have any stories to tell our grandkids.
Gather round, kids.
Grandmammy and grandpappy are going to tell you about Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
That is not the point, Mike, and you know it.
Nance, I didn't mean to I just thought it'd be fun to say grandpappy.
Well, Kenny, when Ed gets back from Buenos Aires was it?.
.
tell him I stopped by.
Sure thing.
Bye-bye.
Oh, how'd you like the skywriter? Skywriter? Ed did that? No, no, I didn't know until now.
Didn't know what till now? Okay, Kenny, nice try.
I don't know anything about any skywriter.
I was just making conversation.
Carol knows that I was the one that got the skywriter.
It's unclear.
Right.
Shirley? Ah, the commercial.
It's really good.
I love it.
It is the best commercial that I have ever seen except for maybe the one with the black guy with the deep voice who used to say, "These are cola nuts.
" Shirley, those who raise the bar of expectation bar the expectation of raise.
Hey, that makes No, that doesn't make sense.
Shall we watch? Please.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Son.
Big day today, huh? Yeah.
Here, let me get that for you.
Thanks.
I still remember the first time I taught you how to tie one of these.
You've taught me a heck of a lot more than that, Dad.
I'm proud of you, Son.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, Son.
Who the man now? Who the man now? (grunts) It's very moving.
But does it have anything at all to do with a bowling alley or bowling at all even? Yeah.
Didn't you hear at the end where it goes "Stuckey Bowl"? Right.
Hey, hi.
Hi.
Can we chat? So, where's Chuck? Um, he's at work.
Oh, really? What does he do? He imports bauxite.
Really? Bauxite.
Yeah, it's a cutthroat business.
It's not what you know, it's who you know.
Hmm, is that right? Ed, I can't go on the stand.
Well, listen um, Lois, what you're feeling those are just pretrial jitters.
It's natural.
Everybody gets them.
Iget them.
You'll be fine.
It's not jitters.
The reason my hair looks this way is because I told Ramona to keep cutting.
Oh oh.
Lois do you want to get married? No.
Oh.
I'm not sure.
I mean, Chuck's a great guy.
You know, I just I'm afraid to take the plunge.
can I offer you some non-legal advice? Sure.
I don't really know you.
I don't really know Chuck.
But if you're going to get married be sure.
Don't just do it and hope it works out.
Lady, get up out of that chair.
Tonight, you and I are doing something we've never done before.
What? We're makingfrites,Nance.
We're making French Fries? Frites,Nancy,frites.
This is going to be fun.
I'm shaking it up, Nance.
You hiding from me? I'm fixing some equipment.
Oh, please, Ed.
I know that you were avoiding me last time I came here.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, Kenny's not that good a liar and he told me about the skywriter.
All right, fine.
And you're here because? I feel like I just had the same conversation with Nick.
I'm actually really kind of busy here.
Sorry to waste your time and thanks for all your help there, Ed.
You're angry at me? Why areyou angry at me? Why are you angry at me? Because I show up at your school and you immediately assume I'm there to ask you out.
That's arrogant.
You're arrogant.
You were planning to ask me out.
You didn't know that.
You did not know that, yet, you immediately assumed that.
What kind of person assumes something like that? It's incredible.
It's just unbelievable.
Ed, you showed up in my classroom in a suit of armor to ask me out.
You made a video of yourself singing to ask me out.
I break up with my boyfriend.
I don't think it's a crazy assumption to think you might ask me out again.
You know what, Carol? When you assume Assume nothing.
I was right.
You were going to ask me out.
You hired a skywriter.
Fine.
I hired a skywriter forgive me.
I hired a skywriter to ask you out.
Oh, of all the horrible things to do to someone.
You're not thinking clearly.
No, Carol, I wasn't thinking clearly.
You said so yourself.
This was never about you.
It was because I was messed up over a divorce.
Well, I did something impulsive and stupid.
Very stupid.
You'rearrogant.
I'm arrogant? I'm arrogant? Yeah.
How am I so arrogant? You are the one who is arrogant because you pretend to be Mr.
Lovable Nice Guy and you're not.
You're not.
In reality, you come into town and you tell me "Carol, you're in the wrong relationship.
You don't know me, but I'm Ed Stevens and I'm adorable.
" What kind of person assumes that? You know what, Carol? You don't have to worry about that ever again, okay? Because the days of Ed Stevens putting on suits of armor and hiring skywriters and making videotapes to ask out Carol Vessey are over and you never have to worry about that ever again.
Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! I am leaving now.
I'm fixing a bowling pin setting machine.
Ed, Ed, Ed, young, innocent Ed.
Hi, Nick.
I can see it in your face.
She's got you doesn't she? Who? Carol.
Man, you are in for the ride of your life.
What are you talking about? Fly high, Icarus but don't you get too close to the sun.
I'm not understanding a whole heck of a lot of what you're saying here.
One day, you will.
Duncan, I believe we have a tradition here at the Smiling Goat.
That we do.
The three questions.
(cheers and applause) A man has come before us today with a broken heart.
Let us go about mending it.
First, how much do you love her? This is the girl that swirls around inside of you.
Sometimes, she robs you.
Sometimes, she fixes you.
But always, she moves you.
(cheers) Next, how much do you miss her? Just like that all the colors are gone.
The world is black and white now with just a few shades of gray to remind me of what it used to be.
(crowd grumbles) And last, how much better off will you be without her? (cheers and applause) Nick: What's the happiest day in a man's life? The day he meets the girl All: What's the happiest day in a man's life? The day he's free again What's the happiest day in a man's life? The day he meets the girl What's the happiest day in a man's life? The day he's free again What's the happiest day in a man's Ed's not here.
Come on, come with me.
What? Just come.
Where? Hurry! Come on, we're late.
Where are we going? -Okay, here.
What? Look up.
Wow.
Ed, I can't afford to lose you as a friend now.
I don't think I can afford that either.
-Let's face it.
We have been through a lot together.
Nick and Liz, bowling alley purchases.
Yeah, right.
We're not ready for each other.
I know we're not.
I don't want to make another mistake right now, do you? No.
I don't want to make another mistake, either.
So, what do we do now? We agree to be friends, good friends.
For real this time, once and for all.
Okay.
-Okay? Okay.
Now that we're friends, you know whate we should do? -What's that? Really think we should have sleepover? -Do you now?