Edge of Heaven (2014) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 That little scar there is from the cycling.
And this one if from the kayaking.
But there nothing, really.
You should see the one on his chest.
Ooh, go on, then.
Ahem.
Oh, sorry.
Any sauces for you both? Oh, not for me, but Gunnar likes a bit of mustard, don't you, love? Coming right up.
Gunnar likes mustard, ark at the Merry widow playing mum.
I thought she was his auntie.
So she says.
There's not a bit of family resemblance.
She's from Halifax for a start.
She's constantly in his Spandau Ballet suite, if you catch my drift.
There you go.
One pot of English mustard.
Unless you prefer French? I prefer the English.
I thought so.
Are you not wearing your wedding ring then today, Yvonne? Oh, no, it's nice to have a bit of variety, isn't it, June? Put a bit of bling on instead.
Ooh, lovely.
Oh, my God, you're not going to believe this.
You finally got Gunnar to take his top off, then? Huh? No.
Why would I want to do that? The Merry Widow has only got the same ring that Granny Taylor gave me.
The one I gave to Alfie to give to Carly for their engagement.
Yeah, about that, erm - Any luck, Ann-Marie? No, your microwave has had it.
I'm trying to tell you a story here.
Fon bought the ring, well, a similar ring in the '60s and it's a collector's item, apparently.
It's vintage and everything.
No way.
Liar.
You're not listening.
What - No, honest to God, cross my heart and stick a finger in my pie, she says it's worth £500 easy.
That's amazing.
Does that mean we all get a slice? Bugger off, you're as bad as Sue Fingers.
She's been on my back all week about business donations for that fun run.
But charity begins at home, eh, pet? I'm at home.
Tough.
Tough.
Will you stop arguing? There's no point.
I never got the ring back.
Oh! Sorry, mate, but what kind of a div don't get a £500 ring back? I didn't know it was worth that.
I've just been dumped, I had bigger things to worry about.
Whatever.
You're too scared to ask for it.
I'm not scared.
You're not going to ask for it? My mum is.
I don't care about the ring or Carly, it's this thing with Michelle.
I haven't heard from her since Carly found out we were seeing each other.
God, she must think I'm such a - Titface? No.
Bumwipe? Oi.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Are you telling me you haven't spotted that smug git until now? He's been trying to get me to sponsor him.
I wasn't looking at that.
Talk about shoving it in my face.
Looks like he's shoving it in her face to me.
And a minute away from being late, boys.
You know the Prop-meister does not tolerate tardiness.
Well, we're not late, are we? Hey.
Less of the attitude, Chatterjee.
I've asked you to sponsor me.
Yes.
Yes.
And you're not because? I just don't feel like it, all right? Oh, well, I'm glad not everyone is like you.
Because cancer is not just for Christmas - Cancer is not for Christmas, it's for life - it's for life.
I've heard this speech three times.
When I lost a ball to the big C, I wanted to curl up into a ball.
But did I? He didn't.
I did not.
Hmm.
I got fit! I ran, I swam, I kickboxed, triathlon, biathlon, climbing, riding, surfing, skiing.
I'm surprised you had time for a job.
Do not laugh at cancer.
OK? Because cancer will have the last laugh.
Haha, teehee.
I'm more of a man now than you'll ever be.
Even one ball down.
I don't think it works like that.
It seems to work for Carly.
Low blow.
Not cool.
Yeah, well, stop being such a piss head.
I don't see you running for charity.
That's where you're wrong.
I am doing the fun run.
I've been training for weeks, haven't I? But unlike some, I don't like to push it in people's faces.
Oh, yeah? You got many sponsors, have you? Loads.
Absolutely loads.
I'm going to make big bucks for big balls and little balls.
And no balls obviously.
I didn't know you were doing the fun run.
Neither did I until now.
Then why did you say it? Because I'm sick of being the loser around here.
The nice bloke that comes last, gets trodden on, dumped at the altar, well not anymore.
Alfred Hitchcock Taylor Chatterjee is going to be a winner for once.
Good on you, mate.
Hang on, can you even run? Ta-da! What do you think? I thought Tammy wanted it all up.
Yeah, but it's nicer with some down, don't you think, Tams? I look like Amy Winehouse.
Well, she's really pretty.
She's dead.
Ugh, fine.
Wait a sec, it's all right.
You sort it.
Look, can you just say it? Because I'm sick of walking on eggshells.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Alfie.
He text me to say that you found out - Will you keep your voice down? It's nothing.
It really is nothing.
Is that why he came round, to get back with you? He never said that.
Look, it don't matter anyway, I just I wish you had told me, Chelle.
It's weird, you know.
My best mate and my ex.
But I'm OK with it because me and Maartie are like that.
I've properly moved on.
But I thought you said he was fit but an idiot.
No, I never.
He's amazing.
So if you want to be with Alfie then that's cool.
I'm cool.
Cool? Come on, let's hug it out.
17 minutes in the sunshine, thanks, Carl.
Actually, make it 20.
Very nice, Tams.
I love Amy Winehouse.
Shall I call Carly about the ring or go and see her? Face to face is always better in my experience, especially with combat.
And love making.
What do you reckon, Tan? I don't care as long as we get it back.
There's a £900 watch stainless steel baby in here with my name on it.
Now, are you sure you're OK staying away, Mo? She'll be fine.
Stop asking, I may be only 4,9'', but I am a grown woman, Gary.
Where's she off to, then? Here, I told you she'd forget, what did I say? Ah, we haven't forgotten, Mo is in the Sade suite.
Yeah, in the basement.
Lovely.
So, when is Janelle arriving? Tomorrow.
We're going to use tonight to give the flat a deep clean now mum is gone.
Charming.
That's mum's bedtime routine for you, Jude.
It says Cofflicks.
A mixture of coffee and Horlicks.
She won't sleep without it.
All right, thanks, Gary.
And I'm just warning you, she can be a bit of a handful, OK? So, I've done you a little list of dos and don'ts.
Do give her colour coordinated pills as stated.
Don't feed her after midnight and don't get her wet.
This is serious.
It's blue, then yellow, then pink.
Oh, look, poppet, I think I know how to take care of my own mum.
Mixing up a few pills here and there is hardly going to kill her, is it? Well, not immediately.
Hey, Alf! Alfie, boy.
Nah, that's it.
We're done.
If I'm going to beat this South African ponce, I've got to go for it.
Don't mean we have to, does it? Yes.
Look, your job is to motivate me so motivate me.
Coolio, follow me.
Deep hip.
And flex.
That's it.
And again.
Deep.
Ooh.
And lunge.
Take it deep.
All right, Mr Thorn? Lovely day for it, isn't it? I'm in training for the fun run.
It's a charity thing.
Very commendable, Chatterjee.
God, I hated him in geography class.
Not as much as he hated Donk.
That's true, they all hated Donk.
You're not wearing that to Nando's, are you? A change of plan, babe.
I've decided to step up my training.
I want a place in the top ten.
So I'm going to go for it.
Three hours a night, no beers, no burgers.
No fun.
What happened to - just taking part is enough? It is not enough.
Well, what's brought this on? Your ex boyfriend thinks he can take me in the fun run.
Well, he cannot.
No-one can.
Are you doing all this because of Alfie? Yeah, I've got to put that little twonk in his place, haven't I? He who dares etc so forth Hey, you can join me if you want.
Nothing like getting physical together, is there? And by physical I mean sexy times.
Yeah, no, no, I got it.
Oh, you Christ.
Creep up much, Sue? Your mum had any thoughts about making a business donation for the fun run? Don't think so.
Very charitable.
If we all owned a cafe where we charged £1 a cup for reused tea bags, we'd be able to donate.
I charge 97p, not £1.
All right.
I see your Alfie is going head to head with Prop Maartie in the race, then.
You what? Maartie told me.
Talk about lamb to the slaughter.
Yeah, well, don't be so sure.
Our Alfie has got very lanky, I mean, long legs.
He's dead in the water.
Want a bet? What's your odds? Because Maartie is on fire.
All right, lads? Thought I'd pop down and give Alf a bit of moral support.
How's he getting on? Like a rocket.
He's obsessed.
Great because I've got £50 riding on him beating Maartie.
You're trying to make money off your brother? Yeah.
Cool.
I'm in.
Double or quits.
All right.
Hey.
Where are my Mr Motivators? Oh, give us a break, mate, we're knackered.
Fine, you're sacked.
Really? Don't take it personally, if I'm going to finish that race, I'll a pro to train me.
I think I know just the person.
All right.
Rock and roll, soldier.
Shut up, I want somebody to get me fit, not kill me.
Are the worktops done? And the sink and the floor? Yes, yes and give me a bloody chance, man.
There's no need to shout, Gary.
I was only in the guest suite.
Mo's room.
Don't I know it.
Look what I found under her bed.
Oh, that's her favourite, that is.
She's on level eight.
And these.
It's like a geriatric Justin Bieber lives in there.
Well, I still don't know why she had to be thrown out of her own home.
There's a perfectly good pull-out in here for Janelle.
I am not putting one of my oldest and most successful university friends on a folding bed.
Besides, you know what Jan is like.
She doesn't do old people.
She's very - Selfish.
Cosmopolitan.
She has actually made something of her life, unlike moi.
She's a high-flyer, Gary with a six figure salary, three different lovers in three different countries.
She doesn't want to settle down like us.
She lives outside the box.
What box? It's an expression.
Now, are we clear on the parameters? Yes, I can't say anything about immigration, Mo's medication or Britain's Got Talent.
How about music? I can only play Cath Bush.
Kate.
Or Jools Holland.
Not Madge, Gaga or Rihanna.
Food and beverages.
No sparkly wine or cheesy wheat balls.
Wonderful.
Oh, we're going to have such a good time.
Mmm.
All right, flower, how are you keeping? If this is about Alfie - Oh, it's not.
Well, it is.
But it's not really.
But then it is.
Look, I just need something back, OK? She said no.
Bold as brass knockers, she stood there and said, 'Oh, I'd love to give the ring back, but my mum won't let me.
' Monique is even keeping it safe for her.
Do you want me to have a word? I know a headlock that would work on that woman.
No, thank you.
The punters will have to get used to lukewarm breakfast.
Over my cold, hard dead body.
There's no way that rubber-lipped viper of a mother of hers is keeping my ring from me.
It's camp Gary.
Has Mo had her pink pills yet? What's he like? I'm being monitored in the care of my own mother.
Well, has she had her pink pills yet? Well, no, but that's not the point.
It kind of is.
Oh, my God, it's him again.
'Remember to keep her off the fags, she's borderline emphysemic.
' I do know.
Like I would ever let oi! Put that out now.
Where did you even get them from, Mo? Oh, Ann-Marie gave them to me.
No, I bloody didn't.
I ain't got enough of them as it is, Grandmother.
Sorry.
My mistake.
Maybe we need to keep a closer eye on her.
As if.
I got ringgate to sort.
Besides, I can think of a much more age appropriate companion.
Yvonne, poppet.
Oh, all right, Jude? Have you met my lovely mum? Here.
There you are.
Cheers, Alf.
So are you doing the fun run, then? I've been running cross-country since I was 12, what do you think? Could you train me for it, then? Unless it would make things awkward.
No, I think she would be all right, so she says.
I just never took you for a runner.
Let's just say I got cornered into it.
It's a good excuse for us to spend some time together.
Look, I'm sorry I haven't been in contact, Alf.
I thought you had come to the salon to warn me about Carly knowing about us, I had no clue that you had come to Well, you know.
Try again? Would you have tried again? I don't know.
It's complicated, isn't it? Yeah.
Why I don't I train you and we go from there? Deal.
You can forget that, for a start.
It's all about nutrition.
I'm no pushover on the track neither.
Yeah, all right.
Right.
What's up, fry-up? You're late, that's what.
Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Er don't take the piss.
Now get your arse on the grass and give me 50.
Are you serious? Do you want to make it to the end of the fun run or don't you? Now get down.
Affirmative.
Er that includes you, pasty boy.
I'm only here because I'm on lunch.
But if you're staying, you're playing.
Now get down.
Oh, no.
Not again.
Bigger, bigger! Stop! Come back! That was awesome, man.
I think I've actually died.
I think I quite like it when you're being tough.
Oh, do you, now? What was all that about? Maartie's doing the run, Alfie wants to whoop his arse because he's seeing Carly.
I never said that.
Oh, my God.
I should have known.
It's about you and her again.
It's not.
Don't lie to me.
I don't want to be involved, all right? You big shit head.
She's got your card marked, Chatterjee.
Sorry, Alf.
Hang about.
I've got a stitch, babe.
Just breathe through it, breathe.
I would if I could breathe.
Man, this suit is hot.
I'm not used to working these muscles.
Or any muscles.
Well, I'm sorry but you're not dating Dame Kelly bloody Holmes.
Can't we grab a coke somewhere? Hey, that is 140 empty calories right there.
Fine, I'll have a glass of rose instead, then! 200 calories.
Plus, alcohol dehydrates big time.
I was joking.
Carly, we're running for cancer.
I do not see the funny side.
You never bloody do.
Idiot.
Hey, I heard that.
Ow.
Honey, we're home! Put those away.
Where's her ladyship, then? On the phone to work, she just got a call from Florence.
Is that her boss? Grazie.
Hey, Gary.
You look well.
Have you lost weight? I don't think so.
I have, size eight again.
Scusate, signoria.
She's ten if she's a day, borderline 12, I'd say.
Gary.
Wow, I just love this view, boys, it's beautiful.
Mmm.
Have I told you you can see the London Eye from my flat? Several times.
Si Be nice.
I know, why don't you put the coffee machine on, Gary? I'll have an espresso so Janelle - Sorry, Gaz, do you mind keeping it down? Terribly important call - Hong Kong just joined the line.
Hong Kong? Wow.
Of course, no probos.
We'll just be in the erm It's like the bloody YN round here.
UN.
Give Janelle some quiet, please.
Ow.
Everything all right? Fine, why? I didn't know you and Maartie were doing the fun run.
I didn't know you and Alfie were.
No, we're not.
I was training him but it didn't work out.
I thought you had flat feet? Chelle, you just worry about yourself and Alfie and I'll worry about my feet, OK? This is no me and Alf - Just leave it, yeah? Now can I please finish my lunch in peace? So, how did it go? I managed a few press-ups but I had to have help with the pull-ups.
Not you, you div.
Alfie.
How's he getting on with the bet? I mean, training.
Oh, right.
Really good, yeah.
But then Michelle found out he was only doing it to beat Maartie and she called him a big shit head and told him to shove it.
Oh, what? £60 on this.
I understand you're busy, Monique.
I do have a business of my own.
You run a clothes boutique and I run a boutique hotel.
Well, I'd like to call it boutiquey.
Look, I just wanted a quick chat.
How about I pop over and see you today? 'No, I'm busy.
' Tomorrow, then.
'I said I'm busy.
' Thanks, Monique.
'Judith, I said I'm busy.
' Lovely, Monique.
'No, I said -' Yes, ta-ta, Monique.
Cow.
All right, Mum, who was that? Jennifer Lopez.
Who do you think? And what are you lot chatting about in here, thick as leaves? Alfie.
What about me? Nothing, mate, it was just a shame you and Chelle fell out.
Oh, no, not again.
I know exactly what to do to get her back on board.
With the fun run? With me and her.
Obvs.
Yeah, course.
Well, and the fun run, obviously.
Awesome.
Brilliant.
Excuse me, cheesy potato skins coming through.
There you go, pet.
I told you, Tan, I'm on a diet.
I'll have them.
They're for Mo.
Gary text to say she needs to be fed every four hours.
This is ridiculous.
Gary treats her like a child.
It's stupid and silly and frankly - It's to stop her blood sugar getting low so she doesn't go into a - what does that say? - Hyperglycemic coma.
Go on, then, if I must.
That was awesome, Mo.
You certainly give as good as you get.
That's the Taylor women for you, Gunnar.
Fancy another session tonight? Yeah.
If you think you could take it.
Oh, I can take it, sausage.
As long as you can give it.
Yeah.
Thank God you turned up, I've been freezing my nuts off waiting for you.
Chelle.
Chelle, I just want to talk.
I'm done talking, Alf.
Look, I know what it looks like and yes, I did sign up to the fun run because of Maartie, which makes me a total idiot, but now I'm doing it because I want to spend time with you.
You know how much I like you, I've always liked you.
Can please just stop? I've got something I want to say to you.
Is he bothering you? You, again.
Actually, no, I'm not bothering her, Mr Thorn because I was just about to ask her to be my girlfriend and you wrecked it.
Why ain't you in school scaring kids anyway? I-I'm on the sick with severe depression and anxiety.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Mr Thorn.
Wait, girlfriend? Well yeah.
If you'll have me.
I think we'd be great together, we just need to jump off that cliff.
Not literally, Mr Thorn.
Oh.
What do you say? Alf, when I said it was complicated, I meant it.
This is isn't a way to start a relationship, it's a mess.
How can you say you want me to be your girlfriend when you're too scared to tell Carly we're seeing each other? Chelle.
Just leave it, Alf.
Please.
I find Temazepam really helps.
It's all right, I've got my pump.
I'm telling you, Tan, there's something going on between mum and Gunnar.
She's not still going on about this? She's obsessed.
Oh, he is interested in Yvonne, she's 60, if she's a day.
She's his auntie.
And if she's not, maybe he's into sugar mummies.
I doubt he wants a sugar nanny.
She ain't got any sugar.
Oh, my God, look.
I knew it.
What has she got that I haven't? Huh? Look, there must be some sort of explanation.
This is insane.
Oh, it's worse than that.
Yvonne has just cancelled her breakfast order.
She'll catch them in flamenco.
Eh? Doing it.
Oh.
Hey, Yvonne, how are you poppet? All right, Jude.
What are you doing? Stalling her.
How are you finding our lovely town, then? Oh, it's beautiful, just beautiful.
Margate is the dogs.
Have you seen the grotto? Ooh, yes.
And the winter gardens? Yes.
And the harbour arm? Yes.
Turner gallery? I don't do art.
Right, then.
See you later, kids.
Oh.
I can't look, I can't look.
I can't even believe I'm following her.
It's ridiculous.
Hello.
Hi, you pair.
I hope there's enough oil left for me.
Ja.
All right? They've been up there an hour now.
33 minutes max.
Which is almost an hour.
Who's side are you on? I feel like I've pimped out my own mother.
You have, sort of.
And you're not even getting paid for it.
I'm just saying.
Well, don't.
I'm popping out.
Oh, no, you don't, young lady.
I mean, old lady.
Kitchen, now.
Is that coconut? No, ylang ylang, I'd say.
I don't want to know.
I thought camp Gary was being overprotective, but I can see now he's really got his hands full.
With what? You, mother.
Jude.
What have I done? Stealing Ann-Marie's fags for one.
Despicable.
And smoking them.
Unforgivable.
Borderline emphysema.
That's your own fault.
And don't even get me started on this morning.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Mum.
We're well past the birds and the bees chat.
You and Yvonne and Gunnar.
I mean, fair play, Nan, he is fit as bullocks.
Ann-Marie.
There must be some perfectly reasonable explanation.
Please tell us there is.
You thought me and them was having a Stella Artois? No.
We've been doing something far more energetic.
Oh, my God, look at that one.
That was his Lionel Richie phase.
Do you remember her, Gaz? Fishy Linda, do I ever? She stayed in our student house for a term and she always cooked the smelliest fish.
Well, she is called fishy Linda.
Did I tell you I saw her on the Eurostar? She has got worryingly fat.
Like diabetes massive.
No.
Yes.
That's what having kids does to you, I suppose.
That and a veracious appetite.
Well, if she's happy You know what, Gary? I don't think she is.
She was on a train to some campsite in Brittany and well, her face just fell when I told her I was staying in a boutique hotel in Paris.
Oh, how lovely, who did you go there with? Christoph.
The architect.
Now, is this the one with the wife or without the wife? With.
Oh, Gaz, she's such a drain on him.
She's been diagnosed with allergic rhinitis and well, it's taken over their lives, apparently.
He can never get away.
Really? Mm-hm.
You do know it's just another name for hayfever, don't you? No, it's not.
It's not going to be that, is it? It's the reason he can't see me.
It's the reason he can never see me.
Do you think he's yanking your chain, Jan? Gary.
I'm, I'm just going to go to the little girls' room.
I wonder if I'll put the racing on.
Yes, I was watching that.
Oooh, someone is touchy.
You would be if you'd had the year I've had.
There is nothing wrong with living with your mum and doing a low paid job, son.
I was talking about my love life.
Oh, right.
Well, like I said, these races are about to start.
It's Chelle.
I mucked it all up.
As per usual.
What? If you want it sugar coated, go to your mum.
It's not all my fault, you know.
Oh, yeah, here it comes.
The poor me pump.
It's a crutch, Alfred.
Your dad was just the same, always had to have something to lean on .
.
usually a large breasted blonde.
If you want Michelle, you've got to go and get her.
I've tried.
Well, try harder.
Sweep her off her feet.
Be a knight in shining armour instead of a frog for once in your life.
That's not very nice, Nan.
I'm not being mean.
I love the bones of you, Alfie.
But you can be a right pillock sometimes.
Ooh.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a bit of a situation back at the B & B.
I know what this is about.
I don't know why you're wasting your time.
It's nothing personal, Judith.
Just my rock rule.
You what? Rocks, precious stones.
I think if they're given in good faith, they should never ever be returned.
Diamonds are a girl's best fallback option after all.
But it's not a diamond, it's just coloured glass.
It's obviously worth something if you want you back so badly.
The point is one does not return jewellery.
One does when it belongs to one's other half's mother.
And they're not even other halves.
It never went ahead so she never should have kept it! Shh.
Can't you see I'm up to my eyes in it here? I'm doing a swimwear launch on Monday and Dino with the gammy eye has already pulled out due to thong issues.
Yeah, well, I need that - I said no so just leave it.
Fine.
Well, that is just fine.
Watch the Oh, no.
Sorry.
Oh.
Can you just go, please? Thoughts? I think I prefer Michelle's.
Seriously, that tiara is all the rage, Tams.
In the gypsy community? That's borderline racist.
You wanted her to wear a kimono to her wedding.
Der because it's her culture.
You do know I was born in Deal? Fine, I'll leave you to sort out Tams, shall I? You're good at finishing off things I start, aren't you? Sorry, one sec.
Classy, really classy, Carly.
Look, we've got another two years left on the lease at this place.
Are we going to be at each other's throats the entire time? Just save it, Chelle, yeah? No, I won't.
For your information, Alfie asked me out properly yesterday and I turned him down because of you, because of all this.
You shouldn't have bothered.
Alfie was never good enough for me anyway.
Oh, right, but he's fine for me? I didn't mean that.
- That's exactly what you meant.
- Chelle.
I couldn't find a white horse to come charging in on, but Frankie owed me a favour and I thought after the mess I made last time with the ice cream I just wanted to say in front of the whole wide world and Carly that I want you to be my girlfriend.
Because there is nothing I won't do to make you mine.
Now, are you ready to jump off that cliff yet? Eat it, there's no chance of warming it up now the microwave is blown.
I'm not hungry.
Oh, come on, love, you can't be that miserable.
It's my classic ketchup bolognese.
Very authentic.
You'd be down if you'd just lost a £500 ring.
My £500 ring.
What? I gave it to you to give to Alfie to give to Carly.
I can't believe you would have even thought of selling it without telling me.
Is there a lot of sentimental value? No, I just want a cut of the proceeds.
Gaviscon isn't cheap, son.
Er right.
Look, love, don't worry about the ring.
I can survive without a decent microwave.
I wasn't actually going to buy you one.
Oh, cheers.
Well, I've been thinking, Granny T died of the big C too, and now Alfie is doing the fun run tomorrow, I thought bugger the microwave, we just use the cash and sponsor our boy instead.
Oh, love, that's such such a - Waste of money.
Lovely, wonderful, special thing to do.
In fact, don't you fret, pet, I'll get that ring back for you, whatever it takes.
Really? Oh, thanks, babe.
I'm not keen, I'll have a banana.
Er what's all this? Well, I thought since Chelle won't train up Alfie for the fun run anymore, I'd better do the honours.
It's the only way to guarantee our investment.
It ain't going to be pretty.
But the long and the short of it is army fit is Mo Farah fit times ten.
What's that for? I can't breathe.
Fine, I won't go the whole hog with him, then.
Everything all right? Oi, oi.
Made up, have you? Certainly have.
He even turned up in a - They don't need to know that bit.
No? Plenty of time for that.
You've got some training to do.
Catch.
Oh.
I just feel so so empty, you know? Bless her cotton socks.
I thought you were living the dream.
More like Nachtmahr.
Hmm? Nightmare, she also covers the German market.
Oh.
I'm flying round the world, earning all this money and I've got no-one to come home to.
No real family, no nobody special.
And that's what it's all about, Jan, finding that other half to fill your hole so to speak.
Gary might be wrong about Christoph.
I'm bloody not.
Oh, stop mentioning that bastard, Gary.
I tell you what, I am going to go and check on Mo at the B & B and I'll get us another one of these on the way back.
What do you say, Jan? Oh, Gary, do you have to go? II really feel like I can open up to you.
Oh.
Erm well Fine, I'll go.
Oh, and Gary, more cheesy wheat balls.
The race will begin very soon.
Ready for it? Tell you in an hour.
Pennies for your balls, pennies for your balls.
Man, you look like a pair of hairy boobs.
I thought a plucked chicken myself.
Oi, shut up, it's for charity, thank you.
All right, come here.
Don't let us down now, bruv, yeah? You've got to stay focused, well hydrated and in the zone.
It's a fun run, Ann-Marie.
Yeah, for you, maybe.
Yeah, in your sleep What's going on? Nothing, why? This is your five minute warning.
Span.
Spanner.
Spanner, what are you doing? What? Warming up.
Janelle not with you? Er no.
She's, she's having a counselling session back at our place.
Don't ask.
Gary just wanted me to pop in to see how mum is getting on.
Amazing.
Although don't get me wrong, it was a bit of a rocky start.
What with the stealing and the smoking.
We actually thought she was getting jiggy with one of the guests, Gunnar.
Strapping he is, huge.
A Goliath of a man.
All right, Jude.
I take it she wasn't getting jiggy with this big bloke, then? No.
Thank God.
Her blood pressure is sky high as it is.
He was just training her and his auntie Yvonne.
Who actually is his auntie, surprisingly enough.
She married his uncle Bjorn.
Training her for what exactly? The fun run.
Gunnar has been giving her sports massages.
He's a proper fitness instructor.
Should have known with those thighs.
Anyway you can tell your Gary I have not done such a bad job in taking care of mum after all.
You think letting a 78-year-old diabetic, arthritic, glaucomic woman run a marathon is a good thing? Come on, Alfie, son, do it for your family! And friends! Three, two, one! Alfie! Alfie! Alfie! Maartie! Maartie! Maartie! When I say Al, you say fie.
Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Hold on.
Is that my nan? Nan? Oh, Judith, come on, the race has already started.
I'm going as fast as I can, Gary.
I really think you're overreacting.
He's right, Gary, she'll be fine.
We don't know that, do we? Are you coming? I can't, I've got somewhere else I need to be.
Can I help you, Tandeep? I can't look, I just can't look.
For goodness sake, there's loads of people here, it could be anyone.
Mother! Who the hell is making all that racket? Are you all right? Get off.
I'm fine, it's Carly.
Yeah, went down like a sack of potatoes.
Cheers.
Well, new potatoes, obviously.
She fell over, splat.
Her boyfriend just left her in the street, poor duck.
Like roadkill.
Classic Prop Maartie, ever the gent.
Well, at least it's nothing serious, poppet.
Yes, thank God.
Oh, I take it that's the Goliath you were talking about.
Mmm, he's gorge, isn't he? Mmm.
You're never going to guess what happened this afternoon.
Neither are you.
Granny T's ring! Oh, my God, we've got £500! Yay! I thought it was going to charity.
That's what I meant.
It doesn't look very vintage to me, kid.
In fact, it's nothing like mine.
Oh, yeah, smaller than I remembered.
It doesn't surprise me, my mother was always tight as a nat's arse.
I went through all that for nothing? All what? I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
I didn't even make the top 30.
I mean, even Tammy's gran was 26th.
Give it a rest, Mart.
No.
I will not.
If it wasn't for your histrionics, I would have made it.
God, you're such a mammoth tool.
Excuse me? I've bust my knee doing this stupid fun run, you selfish idiot.
So raising money for charity is selfish now, is it? Oh, don't give me that.
You're in this so you can show off in your all in one, which, by the way, makes you look like a Findus bloody pancake.
Oh, really? And what are pancakes? They're edible, that's what.
I'm edible.
Yum, yum, yum! Prick.
Missing out on Pancake Day.
I've never won a medal before.
And to beat Prop Maartie, I can't believe it.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, but not as proud as us.
Yeah, not even close, Chelle.
Ch-ching! Oi, Fingers.
We need a word.
I was still way behind most people but you know, God loves a tryer.
And so do I.
Pennies for balls.
All right, Carly? Piss off, bullocks.
Now that is a solid gun.
It's like a side of ham.
That's nothing.
Feel this.
Ooh.
Ahem.
All right, Ga? Gunnar was just showing me his tricep.
Bicep.
And his decks.
Pecks.
Oh, nice, Gary.
They're huge, you should have a feel.
Oh, go on, then.
No, thank you.
Bye.
Why aren't you with Janelle? She's had a post cheesy wheat ball slump so I've left her in front of Countryfile, asleep.
I thought she was a party animal.
More like party pooper.
Oh, I feel such a fool for putting her on a pedestal.
I done the same with Amanda Holden and look where that got me.
I done the same with Vin Diesel.
All ended in tears.
I can't believe I threw mum out of her own home for such a selfish, self-obsessed car crash of a woman.
Never again.
No, no.
Well, not until Christmas.
I've invited Jan back for a few days, I felt I had to, you know.
Her and Christoph, if it's on again.
Enjoy.
I just want to say a big congrats to Michelle and Alfie for raising over £600 for charity! It was mostly Chelle, it would have been more if the ring had worked out.
I made some money as well.
Of course, well done to Spanner for raising £33! Awww! And 92p.
Blimey.
Big deal.
Yeah, right.
Oh, really? How much did you raise, then? Well, er quite a bit as it goes, Nan.
All right.
I've got a few words to say now .
.
about our Alfie and Michelle.
Please don't.
It's been a long time coming.
Eh? Will they? Won't they? Won't they? Will they? In fact, they are long overdue a reunion, it's exactly like - Oh, don't say it.
Mum, please.
Exactly like Duran Duran.
Yeah, it took them a while but they finally got back together.
And it's the best thing Mr Le Bon ever did in my humble opinion.
Now, raise your glasses.
Here's hoping they're back together for good.
Yeah.
Here, here.
Alfie and Michelle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not Duran Duran.
No.
We know.
I wish them all the best too.
Such a shame that Wham won't get back together, isn't it? Sit down, woman.
Alfie and Michelle.
Congratulations.
Night, Mum.
Night, Tan.
Aw, night, babe.
Night, son.
Good night, Ann-Marie.
Shut up, you pisshead, I'm trying to get to sleep.
Aww.
Ooh.
What are you doing? Sorry.
I was trying to get your attention.
Well, you've got it now.
Can I come in? No, why would you want to come in? Please, Alf.
I just need a friend.
I'm so down and tired.
And my knee is killing me.
Come on, Alf, it's me.
Your little Carl.
No I can't, Carly.
I've moved on.
You should too.
Good morning.
It feels so good to be back together like this.
Oh, shit.
Look, if I can convince her it was a big mistake, maybe she'll forgive me.
Either that or she'll chop your pecker off with a steak knife.
I knew it, mum will to be made up, she's wanted a gay kid ever since Cher had one.
Whoa.
Happy Birthday, Mum.
Quirky B & Bs Of Britain.
We've got a quirky assessor coming to stay.
You've really managed to hit the right level of tackiness here.
What do you mean, tackiness? My B & B ain't tacky.
How about you ditch Medusa over there and jump on the pussy pirates' motorboat.
This is my mother.
Oh, pleasure, babe.
And this one if from the kayaking.
But there nothing, really.
You should see the one on his chest.
Ooh, go on, then.
Ahem.
Oh, sorry.
Any sauces for you both? Oh, not for me, but Gunnar likes a bit of mustard, don't you, love? Coming right up.
Gunnar likes mustard, ark at the Merry widow playing mum.
I thought she was his auntie.
So she says.
There's not a bit of family resemblance.
She's from Halifax for a start.
She's constantly in his Spandau Ballet suite, if you catch my drift.
There you go.
One pot of English mustard.
Unless you prefer French? I prefer the English.
I thought so.
Are you not wearing your wedding ring then today, Yvonne? Oh, no, it's nice to have a bit of variety, isn't it, June? Put a bit of bling on instead.
Ooh, lovely.
Oh, my God, you're not going to believe this.
You finally got Gunnar to take his top off, then? Huh? No.
Why would I want to do that? The Merry Widow has only got the same ring that Granny Taylor gave me.
The one I gave to Alfie to give to Carly for their engagement.
Yeah, about that, erm - Any luck, Ann-Marie? No, your microwave has had it.
I'm trying to tell you a story here.
Fon bought the ring, well, a similar ring in the '60s and it's a collector's item, apparently.
It's vintage and everything.
No way.
Liar.
You're not listening.
What - No, honest to God, cross my heart and stick a finger in my pie, she says it's worth £500 easy.
That's amazing.
Does that mean we all get a slice? Bugger off, you're as bad as Sue Fingers.
She's been on my back all week about business donations for that fun run.
But charity begins at home, eh, pet? I'm at home.
Tough.
Tough.
Will you stop arguing? There's no point.
I never got the ring back.
Oh! Sorry, mate, but what kind of a div don't get a £500 ring back? I didn't know it was worth that.
I've just been dumped, I had bigger things to worry about.
Whatever.
You're too scared to ask for it.
I'm not scared.
You're not going to ask for it? My mum is.
I don't care about the ring or Carly, it's this thing with Michelle.
I haven't heard from her since Carly found out we were seeing each other.
God, she must think I'm such a - Titface? No.
Bumwipe? Oi.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Are you telling me you haven't spotted that smug git until now? He's been trying to get me to sponsor him.
I wasn't looking at that.
Talk about shoving it in my face.
Looks like he's shoving it in her face to me.
And a minute away from being late, boys.
You know the Prop-meister does not tolerate tardiness.
Well, we're not late, are we? Hey.
Less of the attitude, Chatterjee.
I've asked you to sponsor me.
Yes.
Yes.
And you're not because? I just don't feel like it, all right? Oh, well, I'm glad not everyone is like you.
Because cancer is not just for Christmas - Cancer is not for Christmas, it's for life - it's for life.
I've heard this speech three times.
When I lost a ball to the big C, I wanted to curl up into a ball.
But did I? He didn't.
I did not.
Hmm.
I got fit! I ran, I swam, I kickboxed, triathlon, biathlon, climbing, riding, surfing, skiing.
I'm surprised you had time for a job.
Do not laugh at cancer.
OK? Because cancer will have the last laugh.
Haha, teehee.
I'm more of a man now than you'll ever be.
Even one ball down.
I don't think it works like that.
It seems to work for Carly.
Low blow.
Not cool.
Yeah, well, stop being such a piss head.
I don't see you running for charity.
That's where you're wrong.
I am doing the fun run.
I've been training for weeks, haven't I? But unlike some, I don't like to push it in people's faces.
Oh, yeah? You got many sponsors, have you? Loads.
Absolutely loads.
I'm going to make big bucks for big balls and little balls.
And no balls obviously.
I didn't know you were doing the fun run.
Neither did I until now.
Then why did you say it? Because I'm sick of being the loser around here.
The nice bloke that comes last, gets trodden on, dumped at the altar, well not anymore.
Alfred Hitchcock Taylor Chatterjee is going to be a winner for once.
Good on you, mate.
Hang on, can you even run? Ta-da! What do you think? I thought Tammy wanted it all up.
Yeah, but it's nicer with some down, don't you think, Tams? I look like Amy Winehouse.
Well, she's really pretty.
She's dead.
Ugh, fine.
Wait a sec, it's all right.
You sort it.
Look, can you just say it? Because I'm sick of walking on eggshells.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Alfie.
He text me to say that you found out - Will you keep your voice down? It's nothing.
It really is nothing.
Is that why he came round, to get back with you? He never said that.
Look, it don't matter anyway, I just I wish you had told me, Chelle.
It's weird, you know.
My best mate and my ex.
But I'm OK with it because me and Maartie are like that.
I've properly moved on.
But I thought you said he was fit but an idiot.
No, I never.
He's amazing.
So if you want to be with Alfie then that's cool.
I'm cool.
Cool? Come on, let's hug it out.
17 minutes in the sunshine, thanks, Carl.
Actually, make it 20.
Very nice, Tams.
I love Amy Winehouse.
Shall I call Carly about the ring or go and see her? Face to face is always better in my experience, especially with combat.
And love making.
What do you reckon, Tan? I don't care as long as we get it back.
There's a £900 watch stainless steel baby in here with my name on it.
Now, are you sure you're OK staying away, Mo? She'll be fine.
Stop asking, I may be only 4,9'', but I am a grown woman, Gary.
Where's she off to, then? Here, I told you she'd forget, what did I say? Ah, we haven't forgotten, Mo is in the Sade suite.
Yeah, in the basement.
Lovely.
So, when is Janelle arriving? Tomorrow.
We're going to use tonight to give the flat a deep clean now mum is gone.
Charming.
That's mum's bedtime routine for you, Jude.
It says Cofflicks.
A mixture of coffee and Horlicks.
She won't sleep without it.
All right, thanks, Gary.
And I'm just warning you, she can be a bit of a handful, OK? So, I've done you a little list of dos and don'ts.
Do give her colour coordinated pills as stated.
Don't feed her after midnight and don't get her wet.
This is serious.
It's blue, then yellow, then pink.
Oh, look, poppet, I think I know how to take care of my own mum.
Mixing up a few pills here and there is hardly going to kill her, is it? Well, not immediately.
Hey, Alf! Alfie, boy.
Nah, that's it.
We're done.
If I'm going to beat this South African ponce, I've got to go for it.
Don't mean we have to, does it? Yes.
Look, your job is to motivate me so motivate me.
Coolio, follow me.
Deep hip.
And flex.
That's it.
And again.
Deep.
Ooh.
And lunge.
Take it deep.
All right, Mr Thorn? Lovely day for it, isn't it? I'm in training for the fun run.
It's a charity thing.
Very commendable, Chatterjee.
God, I hated him in geography class.
Not as much as he hated Donk.
That's true, they all hated Donk.
You're not wearing that to Nando's, are you? A change of plan, babe.
I've decided to step up my training.
I want a place in the top ten.
So I'm going to go for it.
Three hours a night, no beers, no burgers.
No fun.
What happened to - just taking part is enough? It is not enough.
Well, what's brought this on? Your ex boyfriend thinks he can take me in the fun run.
Well, he cannot.
No-one can.
Are you doing all this because of Alfie? Yeah, I've got to put that little twonk in his place, haven't I? He who dares etc so forth Hey, you can join me if you want.
Nothing like getting physical together, is there? And by physical I mean sexy times.
Yeah, no, no, I got it.
Oh, you Christ.
Creep up much, Sue? Your mum had any thoughts about making a business donation for the fun run? Don't think so.
Very charitable.
If we all owned a cafe where we charged £1 a cup for reused tea bags, we'd be able to donate.
I charge 97p, not £1.
All right.
I see your Alfie is going head to head with Prop Maartie in the race, then.
You what? Maartie told me.
Talk about lamb to the slaughter.
Yeah, well, don't be so sure.
Our Alfie has got very lanky, I mean, long legs.
He's dead in the water.
Want a bet? What's your odds? Because Maartie is on fire.
All right, lads? Thought I'd pop down and give Alf a bit of moral support.
How's he getting on? Like a rocket.
He's obsessed.
Great because I've got £50 riding on him beating Maartie.
You're trying to make money off your brother? Yeah.
Cool.
I'm in.
Double or quits.
All right.
Hey.
Where are my Mr Motivators? Oh, give us a break, mate, we're knackered.
Fine, you're sacked.
Really? Don't take it personally, if I'm going to finish that race, I'll a pro to train me.
I think I know just the person.
All right.
Rock and roll, soldier.
Shut up, I want somebody to get me fit, not kill me.
Are the worktops done? And the sink and the floor? Yes, yes and give me a bloody chance, man.
There's no need to shout, Gary.
I was only in the guest suite.
Mo's room.
Don't I know it.
Look what I found under her bed.
Oh, that's her favourite, that is.
She's on level eight.
And these.
It's like a geriatric Justin Bieber lives in there.
Well, I still don't know why she had to be thrown out of her own home.
There's a perfectly good pull-out in here for Janelle.
I am not putting one of my oldest and most successful university friends on a folding bed.
Besides, you know what Jan is like.
She doesn't do old people.
She's very - Selfish.
Cosmopolitan.
She has actually made something of her life, unlike moi.
She's a high-flyer, Gary with a six figure salary, three different lovers in three different countries.
She doesn't want to settle down like us.
She lives outside the box.
What box? It's an expression.
Now, are we clear on the parameters? Yes, I can't say anything about immigration, Mo's medication or Britain's Got Talent.
How about music? I can only play Cath Bush.
Kate.
Or Jools Holland.
Not Madge, Gaga or Rihanna.
Food and beverages.
No sparkly wine or cheesy wheat balls.
Wonderful.
Oh, we're going to have such a good time.
Mmm.
All right, flower, how are you keeping? If this is about Alfie - Oh, it's not.
Well, it is.
But it's not really.
But then it is.
Look, I just need something back, OK? She said no.
Bold as brass knockers, she stood there and said, 'Oh, I'd love to give the ring back, but my mum won't let me.
' Monique is even keeping it safe for her.
Do you want me to have a word? I know a headlock that would work on that woman.
No, thank you.
The punters will have to get used to lukewarm breakfast.
Over my cold, hard dead body.
There's no way that rubber-lipped viper of a mother of hers is keeping my ring from me.
It's camp Gary.
Has Mo had her pink pills yet? What's he like? I'm being monitored in the care of my own mother.
Well, has she had her pink pills yet? Well, no, but that's not the point.
It kind of is.
Oh, my God, it's him again.
'Remember to keep her off the fags, she's borderline emphysemic.
' I do know.
Like I would ever let oi! Put that out now.
Where did you even get them from, Mo? Oh, Ann-Marie gave them to me.
No, I bloody didn't.
I ain't got enough of them as it is, Grandmother.
Sorry.
My mistake.
Maybe we need to keep a closer eye on her.
As if.
I got ringgate to sort.
Besides, I can think of a much more age appropriate companion.
Yvonne, poppet.
Oh, all right, Jude? Have you met my lovely mum? Here.
There you are.
Cheers, Alf.
So are you doing the fun run, then? I've been running cross-country since I was 12, what do you think? Could you train me for it, then? Unless it would make things awkward.
No, I think she would be all right, so she says.
I just never took you for a runner.
Let's just say I got cornered into it.
It's a good excuse for us to spend some time together.
Look, I'm sorry I haven't been in contact, Alf.
I thought you had come to the salon to warn me about Carly knowing about us, I had no clue that you had come to Well, you know.
Try again? Would you have tried again? I don't know.
It's complicated, isn't it? Yeah.
Why I don't I train you and we go from there? Deal.
You can forget that, for a start.
It's all about nutrition.
I'm no pushover on the track neither.
Yeah, all right.
Right.
What's up, fry-up? You're late, that's what.
Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Er don't take the piss.
Now get your arse on the grass and give me 50.
Are you serious? Do you want to make it to the end of the fun run or don't you? Now get down.
Affirmative.
Er that includes you, pasty boy.
I'm only here because I'm on lunch.
But if you're staying, you're playing.
Now get down.
Oh, no.
Not again.
Bigger, bigger! Stop! Come back! That was awesome, man.
I think I've actually died.
I think I quite like it when you're being tough.
Oh, do you, now? What was all that about? Maartie's doing the run, Alfie wants to whoop his arse because he's seeing Carly.
I never said that.
Oh, my God.
I should have known.
It's about you and her again.
It's not.
Don't lie to me.
I don't want to be involved, all right? You big shit head.
She's got your card marked, Chatterjee.
Sorry, Alf.
Hang about.
I've got a stitch, babe.
Just breathe through it, breathe.
I would if I could breathe.
Man, this suit is hot.
I'm not used to working these muscles.
Or any muscles.
Well, I'm sorry but you're not dating Dame Kelly bloody Holmes.
Can't we grab a coke somewhere? Hey, that is 140 empty calories right there.
Fine, I'll have a glass of rose instead, then! 200 calories.
Plus, alcohol dehydrates big time.
I was joking.
Carly, we're running for cancer.
I do not see the funny side.
You never bloody do.
Idiot.
Hey, I heard that.
Ow.
Honey, we're home! Put those away.
Where's her ladyship, then? On the phone to work, she just got a call from Florence.
Is that her boss? Grazie.
Hey, Gary.
You look well.
Have you lost weight? I don't think so.
I have, size eight again.
Scusate, signoria.
She's ten if she's a day, borderline 12, I'd say.
Gary.
Wow, I just love this view, boys, it's beautiful.
Mmm.
Have I told you you can see the London Eye from my flat? Several times.
Si Be nice.
I know, why don't you put the coffee machine on, Gary? I'll have an espresso so Janelle - Sorry, Gaz, do you mind keeping it down? Terribly important call - Hong Kong just joined the line.
Hong Kong? Wow.
Of course, no probos.
We'll just be in the erm It's like the bloody YN round here.
UN.
Give Janelle some quiet, please.
Ow.
Everything all right? Fine, why? I didn't know you and Maartie were doing the fun run.
I didn't know you and Alfie were.
No, we're not.
I was training him but it didn't work out.
I thought you had flat feet? Chelle, you just worry about yourself and Alfie and I'll worry about my feet, OK? This is no me and Alf - Just leave it, yeah? Now can I please finish my lunch in peace? So, how did it go? I managed a few press-ups but I had to have help with the pull-ups.
Not you, you div.
Alfie.
How's he getting on with the bet? I mean, training.
Oh, right.
Really good, yeah.
But then Michelle found out he was only doing it to beat Maartie and she called him a big shit head and told him to shove it.
Oh, what? £60 on this.
I understand you're busy, Monique.
I do have a business of my own.
You run a clothes boutique and I run a boutique hotel.
Well, I'd like to call it boutiquey.
Look, I just wanted a quick chat.
How about I pop over and see you today? 'No, I'm busy.
' Tomorrow, then.
'I said I'm busy.
' Thanks, Monique.
'Judith, I said I'm busy.
' Lovely, Monique.
'No, I said -' Yes, ta-ta, Monique.
Cow.
All right, Mum, who was that? Jennifer Lopez.
Who do you think? And what are you lot chatting about in here, thick as leaves? Alfie.
What about me? Nothing, mate, it was just a shame you and Chelle fell out.
Oh, no, not again.
I know exactly what to do to get her back on board.
With the fun run? With me and her.
Obvs.
Yeah, course.
Well, and the fun run, obviously.
Awesome.
Brilliant.
Excuse me, cheesy potato skins coming through.
There you go, pet.
I told you, Tan, I'm on a diet.
I'll have them.
They're for Mo.
Gary text to say she needs to be fed every four hours.
This is ridiculous.
Gary treats her like a child.
It's stupid and silly and frankly - It's to stop her blood sugar getting low so she doesn't go into a - what does that say? - Hyperglycemic coma.
Go on, then, if I must.
That was awesome, Mo.
You certainly give as good as you get.
That's the Taylor women for you, Gunnar.
Fancy another session tonight? Yeah.
If you think you could take it.
Oh, I can take it, sausage.
As long as you can give it.
Yeah.
Thank God you turned up, I've been freezing my nuts off waiting for you.
Chelle.
Chelle, I just want to talk.
I'm done talking, Alf.
Look, I know what it looks like and yes, I did sign up to the fun run because of Maartie, which makes me a total idiot, but now I'm doing it because I want to spend time with you.
You know how much I like you, I've always liked you.
Can please just stop? I've got something I want to say to you.
Is he bothering you? You, again.
Actually, no, I'm not bothering her, Mr Thorn because I was just about to ask her to be my girlfriend and you wrecked it.
Why ain't you in school scaring kids anyway? I-I'm on the sick with severe depression and anxiety.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Mr Thorn.
Wait, girlfriend? Well yeah.
If you'll have me.
I think we'd be great together, we just need to jump off that cliff.
Not literally, Mr Thorn.
Oh.
What do you say? Alf, when I said it was complicated, I meant it.
This is isn't a way to start a relationship, it's a mess.
How can you say you want me to be your girlfriend when you're too scared to tell Carly we're seeing each other? Chelle.
Just leave it, Alf.
Please.
I find Temazepam really helps.
It's all right, I've got my pump.
I'm telling you, Tan, there's something going on between mum and Gunnar.
She's not still going on about this? She's obsessed.
Oh, he is interested in Yvonne, she's 60, if she's a day.
She's his auntie.
And if she's not, maybe he's into sugar mummies.
I doubt he wants a sugar nanny.
She ain't got any sugar.
Oh, my God, look.
I knew it.
What has she got that I haven't? Huh? Look, there must be some sort of explanation.
This is insane.
Oh, it's worse than that.
Yvonne has just cancelled her breakfast order.
She'll catch them in flamenco.
Eh? Doing it.
Oh.
Hey, Yvonne, how are you poppet? All right, Jude.
What are you doing? Stalling her.
How are you finding our lovely town, then? Oh, it's beautiful, just beautiful.
Margate is the dogs.
Have you seen the grotto? Ooh, yes.
And the winter gardens? Yes.
And the harbour arm? Yes.
Turner gallery? I don't do art.
Right, then.
See you later, kids.
Oh.
I can't look, I can't look.
I can't even believe I'm following her.
It's ridiculous.
Hello.
Hi, you pair.
I hope there's enough oil left for me.
Ja.
All right? They've been up there an hour now.
33 minutes max.
Which is almost an hour.
Who's side are you on? I feel like I've pimped out my own mother.
You have, sort of.
And you're not even getting paid for it.
I'm just saying.
Well, don't.
I'm popping out.
Oh, no, you don't, young lady.
I mean, old lady.
Kitchen, now.
Is that coconut? No, ylang ylang, I'd say.
I don't want to know.
I thought camp Gary was being overprotective, but I can see now he's really got his hands full.
With what? You, mother.
Jude.
What have I done? Stealing Ann-Marie's fags for one.
Despicable.
And smoking them.
Unforgivable.
Borderline emphysema.
That's your own fault.
And don't even get me started on this morning.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Mum.
We're well past the birds and the bees chat.
You and Yvonne and Gunnar.
I mean, fair play, Nan, he is fit as bullocks.
Ann-Marie.
There must be some perfectly reasonable explanation.
Please tell us there is.
You thought me and them was having a Stella Artois? No.
We've been doing something far more energetic.
Oh, my God, look at that one.
That was his Lionel Richie phase.
Do you remember her, Gaz? Fishy Linda, do I ever? She stayed in our student house for a term and she always cooked the smelliest fish.
Well, she is called fishy Linda.
Did I tell you I saw her on the Eurostar? She has got worryingly fat.
Like diabetes massive.
No.
Yes.
That's what having kids does to you, I suppose.
That and a veracious appetite.
Well, if she's happy You know what, Gary? I don't think she is.
She was on a train to some campsite in Brittany and well, her face just fell when I told her I was staying in a boutique hotel in Paris.
Oh, how lovely, who did you go there with? Christoph.
The architect.
Now, is this the one with the wife or without the wife? With.
Oh, Gaz, she's such a drain on him.
She's been diagnosed with allergic rhinitis and well, it's taken over their lives, apparently.
He can never get away.
Really? Mm-hm.
You do know it's just another name for hayfever, don't you? No, it's not.
It's not going to be that, is it? It's the reason he can't see me.
It's the reason he can never see me.
Do you think he's yanking your chain, Jan? Gary.
I'm, I'm just going to go to the little girls' room.
I wonder if I'll put the racing on.
Yes, I was watching that.
Oooh, someone is touchy.
You would be if you'd had the year I've had.
There is nothing wrong with living with your mum and doing a low paid job, son.
I was talking about my love life.
Oh, right.
Well, like I said, these races are about to start.
It's Chelle.
I mucked it all up.
As per usual.
What? If you want it sugar coated, go to your mum.
It's not all my fault, you know.
Oh, yeah, here it comes.
The poor me pump.
It's a crutch, Alfred.
Your dad was just the same, always had to have something to lean on .
.
usually a large breasted blonde.
If you want Michelle, you've got to go and get her.
I've tried.
Well, try harder.
Sweep her off her feet.
Be a knight in shining armour instead of a frog for once in your life.
That's not very nice, Nan.
I'm not being mean.
I love the bones of you, Alfie.
But you can be a right pillock sometimes.
Ooh.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a bit of a situation back at the B & B.
I know what this is about.
I don't know why you're wasting your time.
It's nothing personal, Judith.
Just my rock rule.
You what? Rocks, precious stones.
I think if they're given in good faith, they should never ever be returned.
Diamonds are a girl's best fallback option after all.
But it's not a diamond, it's just coloured glass.
It's obviously worth something if you want you back so badly.
The point is one does not return jewellery.
One does when it belongs to one's other half's mother.
And they're not even other halves.
It never went ahead so she never should have kept it! Shh.
Can't you see I'm up to my eyes in it here? I'm doing a swimwear launch on Monday and Dino with the gammy eye has already pulled out due to thong issues.
Yeah, well, I need that - I said no so just leave it.
Fine.
Well, that is just fine.
Watch the Oh, no.
Sorry.
Oh.
Can you just go, please? Thoughts? I think I prefer Michelle's.
Seriously, that tiara is all the rage, Tams.
In the gypsy community? That's borderline racist.
You wanted her to wear a kimono to her wedding.
Der because it's her culture.
You do know I was born in Deal? Fine, I'll leave you to sort out Tams, shall I? You're good at finishing off things I start, aren't you? Sorry, one sec.
Classy, really classy, Carly.
Look, we've got another two years left on the lease at this place.
Are we going to be at each other's throats the entire time? Just save it, Chelle, yeah? No, I won't.
For your information, Alfie asked me out properly yesterday and I turned him down because of you, because of all this.
You shouldn't have bothered.
Alfie was never good enough for me anyway.
Oh, right, but he's fine for me? I didn't mean that.
- That's exactly what you meant.
- Chelle.
I couldn't find a white horse to come charging in on, but Frankie owed me a favour and I thought after the mess I made last time with the ice cream I just wanted to say in front of the whole wide world and Carly that I want you to be my girlfriend.
Because there is nothing I won't do to make you mine.
Now, are you ready to jump off that cliff yet? Eat it, there's no chance of warming it up now the microwave is blown.
I'm not hungry.
Oh, come on, love, you can't be that miserable.
It's my classic ketchup bolognese.
Very authentic.
You'd be down if you'd just lost a £500 ring.
My £500 ring.
What? I gave it to you to give to Alfie to give to Carly.
I can't believe you would have even thought of selling it without telling me.
Is there a lot of sentimental value? No, I just want a cut of the proceeds.
Gaviscon isn't cheap, son.
Er right.
Look, love, don't worry about the ring.
I can survive without a decent microwave.
I wasn't actually going to buy you one.
Oh, cheers.
Well, I've been thinking, Granny T died of the big C too, and now Alfie is doing the fun run tomorrow, I thought bugger the microwave, we just use the cash and sponsor our boy instead.
Oh, love, that's such such a - Waste of money.
Lovely, wonderful, special thing to do.
In fact, don't you fret, pet, I'll get that ring back for you, whatever it takes.
Really? Oh, thanks, babe.
I'm not keen, I'll have a banana.
Er what's all this? Well, I thought since Chelle won't train up Alfie for the fun run anymore, I'd better do the honours.
It's the only way to guarantee our investment.
It ain't going to be pretty.
But the long and the short of it is army fit is Mo Farah fit times ten.
What's that for? I can't breathe.
Fine, I won't go the whole hog with him, then.
Everything all right? Oi, oi.
Made up, have you? Certainly have.
He even turned up in a - They don't need to know that bit.
No? Plenty of time for that.
You've got some training to do.
Catch.
Oh.
I just feel so so empty, you know? Bless her cotton socks.
I thought you were living the dream.
More like Nachtmahr.
Hmm? Nightmare, she also covers the German market.
Oh.
I'm flying round the world, earning all this money and I've got no-one to come home to.
No real family, no nobody special.
And that's what it's all about, Jan, finding that other half to fill your hole so to speak.
Gary might be wrong about Christoph.
I'm bloody not.
Oh, stop mentioning that bastard, Gary.
I tell you what, I am going to go and check on Mo at the B & B and I'll get us another one of these on the way back.
What do you say, Jan? Oh, Gary, do you have to go? II really feel like I can open up to you.
Oh.
Erm well Fine, I'll go.
Oh, and Gary, more cheesy wheat balls.
The race will begin very soon.
Ready for it? Tell you in an hour.
Pennies for your balls, pennies for your balls.
Man, you look like a pair of hairy boobs.
I thought a plucked chicken myself.
Oi, shut up, it's for charity, thank you.
All right, come here.
Don't let us down now, bruv, yeah? You've got to stay focused, well hydrated and in the zone.
It's a fun run, Ann-Marie.
Yeah, for you, maybe.
Yeah, in your sleep What's going on? Nothing, why? This is your five minute warning.
Span.
Spanner.
Spanner, what are you doing? What? Warming up.
Janelle not with you? Er no.
She's, she's having a counselling session back at our place.
Don't ask.
Gary just wanted me to pop in to see how mum is getting on.
Amazing.
Although don't get me wrong, it was a bit of a rocky start.
What with the stealing and the smoking.
We actually thought she was getting jiggy with one of the guests, Gunnar.
Strapping he is, huge.
A Goliath of a man.
All right, Jude.
I take it she wasn't getting jiggy with this big bloke, then? No.
Thank God.
Her blood pressure is sky high as it is.
He was just training her and his auntie Yvonne.
Who actually is his auntie, surprisingly enough.
She married his uncle Bjorn.
Training her for what exactly? The fun run.
Gunnar has been giving her sports massages.
He's a proper fitness instructor.
Should have known with those thighs.
Anyway you can tell your Gary I have not done such a bad job in taking care of mum after all.
You think letting a 78-year-old diabetic, arthritic, glaucomic woman run a marathon is a good thing? Come on, Alfie, son, do it for your family! And friends! Three, two, one! Alfie! Alfie! Alfie! Maartie! Maartie! Maartie! When I say Al, you say fie.
Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Al! Fie! Hold on.
Is that my nan? Nan? Oh, Judith, come on, the race has already started.
I'm going as fast as I can, Gary.
I really think you're overreacting.
He's right, Gary, she'll be fine.
We don't know that, do we? Are you coming? I can't, I've got somewhere else I need to be.
Can I help you, Tandeep? I can't look, I just can't look.
For goodness sake, there's loads of people here, it could be anyone.
Mother! Who the hell is making all that racket? Are you all right? Get off.
I'm fine, it's Carly.
Yeah, went down like a sack of potatoes.
Cheers.
Well, new potatoes, obviously.
She fell over, splat.
Her boyfriend just left her in the street, poor duck.
Like roadkill.
Classic Prop Maartie, ever the gent.
Well, at least it's nothing serious, poppet.
Yes, thank God.
Oh, I take it that's the Goliath you were talking about.
Mmm, he's gorge, isn't he? Mmm.
You're never going to guess what happened this afternoon.
Neither are you.
Granny T's ring! Oh, my God, we've got £500! Yay! I thought it was going to charity.
That's what I meant.
It doesn't look very vintage to me, kid.
In fact, it's nothing like mine.
Oh, yeah, smaller than I remembered.
It doesn't surprise me, my mother was always tight as a nat's arse.
I went through all that for nothing? All what? I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
I didn't even make the top 30.
I mean, even Tammy's gran was 26th.
Give it a rest, Mart.
No.
I will not.
If it wasn't for your histrionics, I would have made it.
God, you're such a mammoth tool.
Excuse me? I've bust my knee doing this stupid fun run, you selfish idiot.
So raising money for charity is selfish now, is it? Oh, don't give me that.
You're in this so you can show off in your all in one, which, by the way, makes you look like a Findus bloody pancake.
Oh, really? And what are pancakes? They're edible, that's what.
I'm edible.
Yum, yum, yum! Prick.
Missing out on Pancake Day.
I've never won a medal before.
And to beat Prop Maartie, I can't believe it.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, but not as proud as us.
Yeah, not even close, Chelle.
Ch-ching! Oi, Fingers.
We need a word.
I was still way behind most people but you know, God loves a tryer.
And so do I.
Pennies for balls.
All right, Carly? Piss off, bullocks.
Now that is a solid gun.
It's like a side of ham.
That's nothing.
Feel this.
Ooh.
Ahem.
All right, Ga? Gunnar was just showing me his tricep.
Bicep.
And his decks.
Pecks.
Oh, nice, Gary.
They're huge, you should have a feel.
Oh, go on, then.
No, thank you.
Bye.
Why aren't you with Janelle? She's had a post cheesy wheat ball slump so I've left her in front of Countryfile, asleep.
I thought she was a party animal.
More like party pooper.
Oh, I feel such a fool for putting her on a pedestal.
I done the same with Amanda Holden and look where that got me.
I done the same with Vin Diesel.
All ended in tears.
I can't believe I threw mum out of her own home for such a selfish, self-obsessed car crash of a woman.
Never again.
No, no.
Well, not until Christmas.
I've invited Jan back for a few days, I felt I had to, you know.
Her and Christoph, if it's on again.
Enjoy.
I just want to say a big congrats to Michelle and Alfie for raising over £600 for charity! It was mostly Chelle, it would have been more if the ring had worked out.
I made some money as well.
Of course, well done to Spanner for raising £33! Awww! And 92p.
Blimey.
Big deal.
Yeah, right.
Oh, really? How much did you raise, then? Well, er quite a bit as it goes, Nan.
All right.
I've got a few words to say now .
.
about our Alfie and Michelle.
Please don't.
It's been a long time coming.
Eh? Will they? Won't they? Won't they? Will they? In fact, they are long overdue a reunion, it's exactly like - Oh, don't say it.
Mum, please.
Exactly like Duran Duran.
Yeah, it took them a while but they finally got back together.
And it's the best thing Mr Le Bon ever did in my humble opinion.
Now, raise your glasses.
Here's hoping they're back together for good.
Yeah.
Here, here.
Alfie and Michelle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not Duran Duran.
No.
We know.
I wish them all the best too.
Such a shame that Wham won't get back together, isn't it? Sit down, woman.
Alfie and Michelle.
Congratulations.
Night, Mum.
Night, Tan.
Aw, night, babe.
Night, son.
Good night, Ann-Marie.
Shut up, you pisshead, I'm trying to get to sleep.
Aww.
Ooh.
What are you doing? Sorry.
I was trying to get your attention.
Well, you've got it now.
Can I come in? No, why would you want to come in? Please, Alf.
I just need a friend.
I'm so down and tired.
And my knee is killing me.
Come on, Alf, it's me.
Your little Carl.
No I can't, Carly.
I've moved on.
You should too.
Good morning.
It feels so good to be back together like this.
Oh, shit.
Look, if I can convince her it was a big mistake, maybe she'll forgive me.
Either that or she'll chop your pecker off with a steak knife.
I knew it, mum will to be made up, she's wanted a gay kid ever since Cher had one.
Whoa.
Happy Birthday, Mum.
Quirky B & Bs Of Britain.
We've got a quirky assessor coming to stay.
You've really managed to hit the right level of tackiness here.
What do you mean, tackiness? My B & B ain't tacky.
How about you ditch Medusa over there and jump on the pussy pirates' motorboat.
This is my mother.
Oh, pleasure, babe.