Episodes s01e05 Episode Script

No.
No.
Oh, good.
There you are.
Hey.
See what Sean thinks.
See what Sean thinks about what? Isn't this top too booby for Nicola? Uh I'd I'd have to say, can one ever be too booby? Thank you! I have spent a lot of money believing the answer to that question is no.
I'm gonna find you something else.
So, what's up? Um Thanks.
I've got the new pages for the library scene.
You go to him now.
That way, it really puts the pressure on him.
Let's see.
This is so much better.
Is it? Oh, yay.
Yeah, it works now.
You're so good! Well Morning likes the rewrite.
I can see that.
I should probably Right.
Try this.
What was I supposed to do? I'm talking to her, and she just takes her top off like I'm not even there.
Oh, please.
She knew you were there.
She's an actress.
They're very free with their bodies.
All I'm saying is, that was a choice.
She could've gone in the back to change.
Or here's an idea she could just have turned round.
But no.
She decided that was the perfect moment to bring out the bazooms.
Bazooms? Yes.
Technically, those aren't breasts.
They're bazooms.
You can look it up in The Big Book of Tits.
Darling, look at me.
Hi.
You have nothing to worry about.
I am totally immune to her bazooms.
All right.
I mean it.
I said all right.
All right.
All right? All right.
One more round? All right.
All right.
Is today over yet? Actually, Matt has these tickets for this charity thing tonight, and he was wondering Oh, please, no.
All I want to do is go home and sit in a nice hot bath.
Can we get out of it? You can.
He only has one extra.
And, of course, he only invited you.
You just said you didn't want to go.
That's not the point.
It's my point.
What if I wanted to go? But you don't.
You just asked to get out of it.
Whoosh you're out of it.
Any more wishes? Are you being intentionally dim, or do you really not get It's you who doesn't get it.
Of course he's not gonna invite you to things.
He knows you didn't want him for the part.
You talk to him like he's an idiot.
And, lest we forget, you hate him.
Still, that's no reason not to invite me.
Yeah, yeah.
So, what is this charity thing that I'm not invited to? It's for rape.
It's for rape? No, it's not for rape.
It's not It's not pro-rape.
It's to prevent it, or to take care of women after I don't know.
Rape is involved.
You wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.
There's this whole wine-tasting thing.
Wine-tasting and rape? And I believe there's a singer.
Uh Oh, good.
She's here.
What do you think? Well, uh I like that she's wearing a top this time.
Mm-hmm? But where's the bottom? What are you saying? Uh, the skirt.
What? Too short? Heh.
She's a librarian in a boys' boarding school.
I'm guessing it's not within her job description to show the boys her vagina.
They might go to the library more.
Look at it with the glasses.
Hmm? Right.
So, now it's a vagina with glasses.
Tell me again what you want.
Obviously, I'm not getting it.
As incomprehensible as that is, we need something tasteful, stylish, less, uh gynecological.
Hey, kids! Ohh! Love that! Thank you! Isn't it great? It is not great! Because she's a librarian! Well, a TV librarian.
Exactly.
Meaning? No one ever stopped watching a TV show because the librarian looked too hot.
You're not gonna actually see my vagina.
And yet, we'll all know it's there.
Look, let me be absolutely clear about this.
This skirt and her reproductive organs are not I repeat not going in my show! Let's get you out of this, honey before she kills somebody.
I'm I'm sorry.
That was Come on.
Let's take a walk.
No, I'm fine, really.
I know, I know.
Just walk with me.
Okay, what's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Really, it's all good.
Gotcha.
Nice fists.
Oh.
Oh, it's all incredibly tedious.
So, bore me.
Oh, I've just had a rather difficult day.
And by "day", I mean month, month and a half.
Oh.
Not having fun? Fun? No.
I You really want to hear this? Yeah, I really do.
Every day, I feel like we're making this show worse.
I can barely remember why I liked it to begin with.
I hate L.
A.
I'm sick of the sunshine and the mojitos.
I I am tired of feeling fat when I'm not fat.
You're not fat.
Thank you! Am I fat? No! You're not fat! Really? Ohh, I hate my ass.
I used to have such a great ass.
Sowe're done with me? Oh, sorry.
Ha ha ha! Go on.
Sean would kill me for saying this, but if you told me right now this whole thing was off, oh, I'd be home in a heartbeat, and I wouldn't mind a bit.
But you're not gonna tell me that, are you? Sorry.
Good night, Tim.
Oh, Christ.
See you guys tomorrow.
Honey it's gonna be all right.
We'll find a skirt.
I know we will.
Look at you, all glamory.
Thanks.
You did that fast.
What are you up to tonight? I've got that benefit for the rape prevention thingy.
Oh, umI believe Sean's gonna be there.
Yeah, I know.
We'll miss you.
Night.
I didn't see him behind me until it was too late.
He hit me with a piece of pipe, and before I could scream, he had his hand over my mouth.
But mine was I once did a pilot with her.
Hmm.
Not a good actress.
18% of all victims were raped by a stranger.
someone that they know.
I think she does voice-overs now.
For, like, cartoons and shit.
and why your support is so vitally important.
Women have to know how to protect themselves You want to open the wine? I think we're supposed to wait.
I am also speaking here as a mother It really should breathe.
All right.
Okay.
Over 80% of the women who report being raped are under 25 years old.
And that's just the instances that have been reported.
Rape is called the most under-reported In a large national survey of American women was reported to the police.
Think about that.
One in six.
That is a staggering statistic Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck in wardrobe.
What'd I miss? She was raped.
and college campuses, teaching young women how to defend themselves I didn't know you were coming.
Matt invited me.
You look very nice.
Shh! Come on, guys.
Not cool.
We guide them through the process of going to the proper authorities, and we are providing counseling It's crazy.
Why am I even worrying about this? I completely trust him.
The question is, do you trust her? About as far as I can stretch her tight little face.
I don't even like her name Morning.
Well, imagine how ridiculous that name will be when she's, like, 70.
She probably is 70.
How does she do it? I've heard injections.
What sort? Some kind of serum made from Chinese babies.
Oh, that's horrible.
Do we know where she gets it? Do you smoke? Ohh, I'd love one.
But I quit ten years ago.
Although, I did slip the other day, and it was No, no, I shouldn't.
I know it's poison.
And yet, sometimes even the smell of a cigarette Oh.
Not cigarettes.
Oh, that's fine.
I'm just a fool who needs to listen to I didn't know you'd invited her.
Yeah.
Wait, are you two Us? No, no.
I brought her for you.
Ha ha! And I didn't get you anything.
It just seemed like you guys were really hitting it off, so I thought I'd give you some space you know, away from ehhhh! You serious? Yeah, I think she likes you.
First of all, I'm married, happily.
I don't do that sort of thing.
And whether she likes me Why do you think she likes me? I'm telling you the way she's always playing up to you.
That's not what that is.
I'm her boss.
It's my show.
She has to be nice to me.
I'm not nice to your wife.
Even so, it doesn't matter.
I don't cheat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything about cheating? I'm talking about a little thing.
Yeah, a little thing is still a thing.
Nah.
Like, is a hand job cheating? Yes.
A hand job? Yes.
You know what a hand job is? Yes.
So, I guess a blow job All the jobs are cheating.
Hand job, blow job, hum job, rim job Oh, stop.
You're turning me on with that accent.
Ooh! I'm just saying look at what you're giving up.
You've seen the tape.
What tape? You haven't seen her tape? Morning? Uh, yeah.
About ten years ago.
It was kind of a big deal, 'cause she was playing the mom on some family show.
It's her and some black dude, and they are doing stuff.
Oh, my God.
I don't want to see it.
Ohh, you want to see it.
How long have you guys been together? Eight years.
And he's never What? Screwed around.
Oh, no, never.
Although Hmm? There is some precedent.
Intriguing.
When I first met Sean, he was married to someone else.
Really?! We both got hired to, um write on this sketch show, and from day one, it was, like "Hell-o-o-o-o.
Where have you been?" We totally clicked, made each other laugh.
And I told myself nothing could happen.
He was married.
How long did that last? Five days.
Look at you, with the self-restraint! Ohh.
You want more? No.
Yes.
It was a crazy time both of us feeling guilty, sneaking around, always afraid we were gonna get caught.
That sounds hot.
Oh, my God.
I've been seeing this guy also married.
Ohh.
No one knows.
And I can't tell you his name.
If it got out, it could ruin a lot of lives.
It's Merc, right? Yeah.
Ohh! Hello, boys.
Look, honey, it's Matt LeBlanc and his pal Chim Chim Cher-ee! Ha ha ha! Hi, Matt.
Hello, Sean.
Hey.
Wow, I didn't know you two were gonna be here.
Are you kidding me? James is the co-chair of this whole thing.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Yeah, she's pretty amazing.
She's been working her ass off.
For, like, the last six months, all I've heard is, "Rape, rape, rape, rape, rape.
" It's enough to make you want to do it.
Honey.
I'm kidding.
Hey, you don't laugh at this stuff.
You cry.
It's a great night.
Thank you.
It really is everything.
The wine, Natalie Cole.
Even the food.
You don't expect it to be good at these things, but I know.
This chef is a genius.
I found him at the colorectal cancer benefit.
Now I won't use anyone else.
Have you ever been to the colorectal one? Oh, my God.
They always do it right around Christmas, with all the twinkly lights.
It's just magical.
Well I also really like the one for the kids with the harelips.
Last year at the raffle, I won a car.
Wow.
Well, a Toyota.
But still.
Is Beverly here? No, Matt only had one extra ticket.
Oh, you should've called me.
Uhh, I wish I'd known.
I really like Beverly.
Yeah, she's great.
Is she enjoying L.
A.
any better? Eh.
Well, you know, we're working so hard on the pilot, we really could be anywhere.
Hey, is this one pushing you too hard? Just tell me.
I've got a bit of clout with him.
Honey? Honey? Honey? He was going to leave her after Christmas.
He just wanted to wait until they got back from Hawaii.
Apparently the deposits weren't refundable, or some bullshit.
I don't know.
But he really was going to leave her.
And then she went blind.
Right.
Obviously, he couldn't do anything then.
No.
I mean, how would that look? Not good.
I couldn't believe it.
Blind.
Blind.
It's like I was being punished.
Okay.
And now it's Ohh, it's just back to where we were, you know? Screwing in the office and taking fake business trips.
I know, I know I should just end it.
But Oh, God.
I could eat a whole pig right now.
You want to hear something really pathetic? I've actually become an expert on ocular blindness.
I'm online constantly, reading all the latest research.
And so far, there is really no hope.
But I I just keep dreaming that someday, some doctor somewhere will find a cure and give that poor woman her sight back, so he can fucking leave her.
Mmm.
Ooh.
You guys gotta try this one.
Starts off with, like, a deep cocoa flavor, and then it has an almost ashy finish.
A what? An ashy finish.
That's a real thing.
Mmm, yes.
It's a bright Cabernet, redolent of burnt hair and, uh, Marlboro Lights.
Or you can both suck my balls.
Sean? Oh, my God! What are you doing here in L.
A.
? I've got a screenplay.
What, you're writing now? Pretending to.
That's brilliant.
Although, features that is a tough game.
Bev and I have a script we've been trying to make happen for eight years.
Actually, mine is happening.
What? We start filming in three weeks.
That's brilliant.
They're making your movie.
Bryan Singer's directing.
Brilliant, brilliant.
It's a two-hander with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.
Matt Damon?! And Keira Knightley? In your movie.
That's That is Brilliant? Oh, yeah, sorry.
Matt LeBlanc, Morning Randolph, this is Andrew Leslie.
Andrew used to be our old P.
A.
But now, apparently, he's got a mo-o-ovie! So, what brings you here? Uh, we're doing a TV pilot.
We're making an American version of Lyman's Boys.
Awesome.
Who's doing Julian's part? Matt is.
Oh, you're serious? Well, that that's fantastic.
Yeah, we changed it a bit.
It's now about a hockey coach.
It's called Pucks! No, really.
No, really.
Wow.
Well, good luck with that.
Uh, I should really get back to Keira.
Oh.
You're here with Keira? Mm.
And all the Paramount people.
Uh, nice meeting you both.
Bye-bye.
Fuck you.
Get out of my country.
Ohh! What kind of sick mind chains a refrigerator? It's like locusts came through here.
Ohh, there's got to be something left.
Ohh.
Hello.
A donut.
From the garbage? Yeah.
Anything touching it? Justgarbage.
All right.
Hey.
Three years ago, he's getting me lattes.
Now he's making a movie with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.
You know, just because he's making a movie doesn't mean it's gonna be a good movie.
Believe me.
Why should I care about this? He's not a bad person.
He's a douchebag.
Look, don't do this to yourself.
You'll still be making great TV shows when that little creep goes back to getting other people coffee.
You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.
And I dot mean "brilliant" like you guys say it.
You're actually brilliant.
That's That's very kind.
Bullshit.
It's not kind.
It's true.
You may not realize how long I've been doing this.
I'veheard rumors.
So, you know I know what I'm talking about.
Before I took this, I watched every episode of Lyman's Boys.
You did? Do you even know how talented you are? I show up at that stage every day, and I can't believe I get to work with you.
Well, boys, this is me.
Oh, thank you both for a lovely evening.
Good night, sweetie.
Come here.
You gonna be okay? Oh, I I I'm already okay.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
There goes one great opportunity.
And it's back.
It's not my car.
That was embarrassing.
Oh, God.
I'm covered in dog hair Whoa.
Okay.
I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't be driving tonight.
I think you may be right.
You're in Westwood, right? Seanie, you're heading in that direction.
Would you mind? Um Uh, actually, I need to go back to the office.
I left some script notes there that Beverly and I need to go over tonight.
Oh.
Okay.
Come on.
I'll take you.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Front door ajar.
Hello.
Mmm! Mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
Mmm.
Moo shu pork.
Moo shu pork to you.
How was your bath? Didn't get to it because I got stoned with Carol.
Carol from the network? You did not! Yes, I did.
Your little wine-tasting doesn't look so debauched now, does it? It does not.
What's in the bag? Oh.
We all got one.
I haven't looked in it yet.
Corkscrew.
Bottle of Merlot.
And a rape whistle.
So, how was it? Who was there? Any famouses? The place was crawling with them.
I was two tables away from Sharon Stone, who was annoying even from the back.
Sure.
Miley Cyrus, I think.
Hmm! Elton John who, in person, looked a lot like Judi Dench.
Really? Who else? Oh, I ran into our old P.
A.
Andrew.
Oh, little baby Andrew! Ohh, what's he doing here? He wrote a movie they're making with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.
That little prick.
Thank you.
Any other familiar faces? Oh, Merc and his wife.
What's her name? Jamie.
Right.
She says hello.
Oh, that was sweet.
So, that was it? What was it? Anybody else I might know? Uh, no.
WellMatt? Oh, Matt.
Right, of course.
And And that's it.
Really? No one else? Uh I don't think so.
Not, um Morning? Oh, right.
Yeah, Morning.
What? No, I just think it's interesting that you failed to mention her.
Guess I forgot.
You remember someone who may have been Miley Cyrus, but you forgot one of the stars of our show? All right, fine.
The reason I didn't mention her was because I knew it would make you all whatever you're being now.
I'm whatever I'm being now because you didn't mention her.
Nothing happened.
You say that like there's a chance something could've happened.
All right, fine.
You want to know the truth? As opposed to what? There was a moment between us at the end of the evening when something might've happened.
But I chose to leave it and come home to you.
Is that supposed to make me feel better the fact that you're already having "moments" with this woman? I chose you.
I would hope so! You don't get extra points for that.
Right.
I'm going to bed.
Yeah, like that.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
Ohh! Yeah, like that.
Ohh, harder! Harder! Ohh, yeah, fuck me! Oh, yeah! Fuck me!