Evening Shade s01e05 Episode Script

It's morning in Evening Shade.
Leaves are turning gold and orange and red, and love is in the air.
Of course, love is always in the air at Wood Newton's house.
But this time it's not Wood having all the fun, but his son, Taylor, experiencing the first pangs of puppy love; and his father-in-law, Evan, a much slyer old dog, who has stumbled upon the unique pleasures of one Miss Fontana Beausoleil.
Two weeks ago, I was taking Taylor and his little friends to the movies.
Now, he's going out with a girl who drives? I just don't understand why he broke up with Jennifer.
I mean, she was such a sweet, immature girl.
Is your brother coming down to breakfast? He's still on the phone with Michelle.
He's telling her he loves her.
He loves her? How do you know that? I heard him talking when I picked up the phone.
Molly, I've told you about listening in on other people's conversations.
What else did he say? He said he thinks she's "cool.
" Are you listening to this? Mm-hmm.
Our son thinks he's in love with this person we haven't even met.
I met her.
Well, I haven't actually met her.
I've seen her in the hallway.
Well, I'm out campaigning all day.
So I'd appreciate it if somebody around here would tell me what's going on with our children.
Morning, everybody.
Sit down, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say to your mother will be used against you in a court of law.
What'd I do? Nothing.
I was just saying how much I'd like to meet this new girlfriend of yours.
Her name's Michelle, Mom.
And you'll get to meet her after the game tonight.
Where? At the dance you and Dad are chaperoning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We're supposed to chaperone tonight.
Is that all right? Sure, that's fine.
Okay, gang, off to school.
But he hasn't even eaten his breakfast.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Oh.
I don't have time.
I thought you were going to take Jennifer to that dance.
Mom, Jennifer broke up with me.
How come? I guess she's jealous of Michelle.
Hey, who understands women, right, Dad? Yeah.
Hey, hit the road.
Bye, sweetheart.
Will, whoa, whoa.
His pants are unzipped.
Don't worry, I'll keep them zipped up for the rest of the day.
That goes ditto for me, too.
Wood, I'm really worried about this.
This girl is too old for Taylor.
I don't even know what kind of car she drives.
She pulls away before I've had a chance to look out the window.
Hmm.
A lot can happen in a car.
I hope it's small.
I had a small car.
That's right.
It doesn't matter.
He's going to be all right.
Look, when I come home tonight let's-let's send the kids over to your father.
And you be waiting at the door for me, you know, the way I picture you all day long.
How's that? Nothing on but your wedding ring.
Excuse me.
Yes? But before y'all proceed on with the 96 positions of the Kama Sutra, I need to borrow your charcoal starter stick.
Don't mind me, darling.
I know this kind of thing goes on around here night and day.
It's like a rabbit hutch.
I'll get you some coffee.
I'll tell you, it must be exhausting living with a sex maniac.
I mean, personally, I wouldn't know.
My last two husbands were impotent.
What was it that you wanted, Frieda? I told you, I need to borrow your charcoal starter stick.
I'm having a barbecue for my Town Guild Club.
Here.
Oh, thank you, honey.
But your daddy won't be there.
He's got himself a big date tonight.
A date? Yep.
Darling, I think it's time you knew.
Your daddy is going out with that over-peroxided, melon farm escapee, Fontana Beausoleil.
Now, look she's only interested in his money and his position.
But can you believe my brother, your daddy, is going out with an actual striptease artist? Did you know anything about this? I knew he went out with her a couple of times when you were in the hospital.
I didn't think it was anything.
You didn't think it was anything that my-my father is dating a woman who runs around in a G-string and pasties? You don't care that our son is is in love with a girl we don't even know? I mean, I don't get you.
What does it take to get you excited? Uh, please, this is where I came in.
Well, I think Taylor and Daddy are in way over their heads.
And I don't care what you say: Taylor is still a little boy.
Honey, he's not a little boy.
He's 15 years old.
And I tell you, that puberty can be a terrible thing.
And everybody has to handle it in their own way.
I will never forget that one summer Delwood Biggers just climbed everything in sight.
I was just a little girl, but I remember every time anybody looked out their window, there'd be Delwood wrapped around another clothesline pole.
And sure enough, he got to be known as the clothesline pole boy.
Frieda, I think maybe you should consider upping your medication a little bit.
Who's Taylor going out with now? Michelle Marlin.
Helen Jane Marlin's granddaughter.
Yeah.
Oh, Lord, that girl is fast.
You don't happen to know what kind of car Michelle Marlin drives, do you? It must be Helen Jane's.
It's a big, old Buick Electra.
You could probably sleep six people in it.
Coach Newton? Yeah? I'm Michelle Marlin.
Oh.
Hi.
I guess you're aware of the fact that I started going steady with your son last week.
Well, I, I heard you guys were sweet on each other, yeah.
No, I would say it's a little bit more than that.
Basically, I feel I could have most anyone in the school.
But for the time being, I have decided to commit myself totally and completely to Taylor.
Sit down.
Why don't you, uh, tell me a little about yourself, Michelle? What would you like to know? Well, are you still driving your grandmother's big, old Buick? That's right.
Anyway, since Taylor is only a sophomore and I am a senior, I figured you and your wife might have some concerns.
And I just wanted to set your minds at ease.
How old are you? I'm almost 18.
I take all my relationships seriously, and I do not have irresponsible teenage sex.
I always use birth control.
Well, I guess that about sums it up, doesn't it? What's your next class? Biology.
Oh, skip it.
You don't need it.
I- I'm just going to call my wife.
You guys you guys'll get along great.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Uh, I-I'm just sitting here with Michelle, you know, the girl that's dating Taylor, and we were just talking about class and-and school and and things.
And I, I was going suggest to her that maybe she should go out for the track team, 'cause this girl's fast enough to make the Olympics.
Huh? Yeah, okay, yeah.
She's on her way; she's going to be here in a second.
You guys can talk, you know.
I'm sorry, but I really can't cut class.
Oh.
I'm going to be gentle with him.
And I'm going to teach him everything I know.
Uh, Michelle, uh basically, wh-what the hell does that mean? Basically, it means I'm going to have sex with your son.
So your mother and your daughter said that we should have lunch together, you know.
So basically, that I could tell you that she doesn't like the girls you're dating and to knock it off.
I just want to ask one question.
Who died and appointed her Chuck Woolery? Who-Who's Chuck Woolery? He's the guy on Love Connection.
He matches people up.
You watch that show? Sometimes, when I'm eating supper.
Lot of things about me you don't know.
I'm kind of a tricky guy.
So what's Mom all hyped up about? Well, in your grandfather's case, she's all hyped up about the fact that he's dating someone that the entire town has seen naked.
In your case, she thinks the girl's too old.
What do you mean "too old"? Dad, Michelle's only 17.
Yeah, and you're 15, but but according to your mother two years in high school is like 20.
It's kind of like dog years.
What I want to know is, if she wants to tell us something, why doesn't she say it herself? Because of the nature of the conversation, you see.
She felt it should be man-to-man.
To man.
We don't feel you're ready for this relationship.
What about me? Am I ready for it? I'm just your daughter's messenger.
Well, look, I'd like you to tell my daughter that I appreciate her concern.
And when I start drooling on my dates, then you can supervise me.
And furthermore, this girl that I am seeing, she's not just a striptease dancer.
She's a real artist.
She's completely self-taught.
Have you ever seen her perform? I'm sorry to say I haven't.
Well, you should.
It's darned amazing.
Amazed me.
What's wrong with Grandpa going out with the lovely Fontana? I mean, you must have known a lot of women when you were playing pro ball.
You didn't marry Mom until you were 32.
Well, I, I've known a few ladies, yes.
How many? How many? Yeah.
Well, it's not something you keep track of, you know.
Well, as I recall, uh I ran across a journal in one of your old trunks in my attic.
Now, there was a long list of names, and then a couple of times it just said, "Girl wearing hat.
" You didn't marry Mom until she was 18, so I guess that means she dated hardly anybody.
That's correct.
In fact, when you when you think about it, Taylor, your father is really the only person in this family who's really had a lot of fun.
You're supposed to be his grandfather.
You could help me out a little, all right? Well, just what is it we're trying to do? I think Mom and Dad are worried that I'm gonna go all the way with my new girlfriend.
Is that right, Dad? We we just want you to do the right thing.
Well, that's right.
I want you to do the right thing, too.
Well, what is the right thing? Well, only you can can make that decision.
Well, when was your first time? My first time? Yeah, when was it? Actually and I'm not proud of this It was at the Purple Dawn Whorehouse in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
You're joking.
No.
Why? Nothing.
Well, what was her name? Her name? Big Ruthie Ralston.
You're joking.
No.
Why? No reason.
Well, so how old were you your first time? I don't remember.
Dad? All right.
I was 15.
And apparently your grandfather was 30.
Now, Grandpa, did you really know Big Ruthie, whatever her name was? No, no, Taylor.
I, I was just pulling your Dad's leg.
No, I never had to travel all the way to Hot Springs for my cookies.
We had a big old girl from Grubs, Arkansas, living with the family next door to our farm.
And one day she just grabbed me, took me into the barn, and turned me every way but loose.
I must say it was very invigorating.
From then on, I, I volunteered to clean out the barn every day.
Well, how old were you? Oh, I don't know.
I guess I was, uh, about But that, that doesn't mean that we don't have regrets.
What are they? Well, I better be getting back to class.
I've got a test in fifth period.
Thanks, Dad.
Hmm.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sure.
I'm really glad we had this talk.
Well, you were a big help.
So, how's your little tête-à-tête with Fontana Beausoleil comin' along? Nice girl.
Coming along fine.
That is her theme song.
They say that she dances to that with a real long scarf.
I know.
I'll never forget when Harlan was stationed near Houston in the Army.
And well, they had these topless joints everywhere.
I mean, it is hard to get a sandwich in Texas without having to look at somebody's breasts.
Now, I've been wonderi" about somethin'.
How do you get to first base with a striptease artist? For that matter, what would be first base? Harlan! I mean, it just seems strange to be going out with someone the whole town has seen naked.
Harlan! Merleen, I'm not sayin' anything Evan doesn't know.
The whole town has seen her naked.
But then, so what? I've seen the whole town naked.
When you stop to think about it, this is a bad-looking town.
Oh.
We saw Taylor and his new girlfriend out at the Dairy Queen.
Did you know she was down at Fauchies getting a birth control prescription refilled? Hell, kids nowadays have taken all the mystery out of it.
Used to be you'd put all the boys in one room and say, "Get everything you can.
" Put the girls in another room and say, "Don't give an inch.
" And then the fun would begin.
And by gosh, that's the way it should be.
Whoever heard of a young girl runnin' around with birth control pills? Half the fun of growing up was going into Fauchies and figuring out a way to buy a box of condoms without calling attention to yourself.
Well, how did you do it? You can't.
You have to steal 'em.
Well, I'll never forget my first time.
I probably never told you all, even though I grew up down the road from Evan, but anyway, there was this big old girl on a farm near ours from Grubs, Arkansas.
Something about her that made me crazy.
But she wouldn't have anything to do with me.
I guess she was being fulfilled someplace else.
Without us You are everything Hey, Coach, don't take it so hard.
Keep your chin up.
Today's score wasn't near as bad as it usually is.
And the, uh, booing, the booing's getting a lot better, too, I think.
Thank you, Virgil.
I wish she wouldn't dance like that.
I know it gets him all stirred up.
Well, once we get him home, we'll turn the hose on him.
You sure it's okay they're going out after the dance? Yeah.
And you definitely talked to him? Yeah.
Hey, we were gonna go get ourselves a soda.
You guys want anything? Oh, no, thanks.
We're fine.
I'll go with you, Taylor.
I'll-I'll go with you, Taylor.
You can talk to the missus.
Isn't Taylor just darling? Yeah, he is.
I was just thinking that this morning, when I was rearranging his teddy bears.
I was telling you the truth when I said I lost my virginity when I was 15, you know? Yeah? Well, I- I don't think you're, I don't think you're ready to yet.
And-and if you are ready, I don't think that that's the right girl.
Why? Because because just last week you were stealing watermelons, you know? I mean, you-you're you're still young, Taylor.
Maybe I grew up faster than you did.
Okay, I'll stop stealing watermelons.
All I know is that when you get the right girl, you'll know it's right.
Was it always right for you? Ever since I met your mom, it's never been wrong.
So what are you saying? I'm saying I don't want you to come home tonight with Buick upholstery under your fingernails.
You're the one I've waited for all my life You're asking a lot, Dad.
If you want to overrule me, I I understand.
Okay? So, how are the two handsomest guys at this dance? Hey, Mom, you want to dance? I thought you'd never ask.
Come on.
So, how about you, Coach Newton? Oh, I don't I don't dance.
Okay.
Then you just stand there, and I'll do all the work.
Somehow I knew you'd say that.
to respect, baby I need you Don't wait a moment Don't wait a moment more I just love all your books.
You know, I'm the first person in my family to get a public library card.
Well, now you don't have to go to the library.
You can come here.
You know, you're really very nice.
And modest.
It's been my experience that, uh, most people have two ways of speaking: They're either bragging or pretending not to be.
Well, the only thing I'm good at is dancing.
Well, there you go.
I can't dance at all.
Could we try? Okay.
I mean together.
Now, you had fair warning.
I've been meaning to tell you, you have the most wonderful eyes.
Thank you.
I kind of like your legs.
You look like you know a lot of secrets.
Well, my sister says that, uh, if you live long enough, what's in your heart will eventually show up on your face.
Well, then you know something, Evan Evans? What's that? I think your secrets are coming to the surface.
Hi.
What are you doing up? Oh, I fixed myself a sandwich.
Want me to fix you one? No, thanks.
Hey, what was that music I heard coming from Grandpa's house? Oh, I think that's the "Dance of the Seven Veils.
" So, did you, uh, did you have a good time? Look, Dad, nothing happened.
Okay? I mean, nothing big happened.
Well, it's, it's none of my business.
I mean, you don't have to tell me about it.
Well, I thought about what you said.
You may be right.
I like Michelle a lot, but I don't know.
She makes me feel kind of like, like she's using me.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Well, not that that's necessarily bad.
It's just maybe not for me.
I gotta go take a cold shower.
Good.
Use all the water you want.
Maybe when I'm 16, I'll drive down to Hot Springs and see Big Ruthie.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, son.
Taylor, your shirt's on inside out.
Hey, I never said I was an angel.