Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Keep going!
[bottle clatters]
[burping]
I am the harbinger
of the spicy rooster apocalypse.
I am a hydrogen bomb with a beard.
I hold the flames
of a thousand collapsed stars.
I am
Godracha!
[screaming]
[continues screaming]
[dramatic sting]
[objects clattering]
[panting]
[resumes screaming]
[theme music playing]
[male voice]
Hello there, unwitting mortal.
Enter the portal,
and undo your greatest regret,
such as losing the love of your life
or getting hair plugs in Tijuana.
I call it the Regret Portal.
It reaches into your subconscious,
finds your biggest regret,
and tempts you to go back in time
to change it in exchange for your soul.
I'd probably go back
and get my
Dave Matthews Band tattoo removed.
Okay. If you can sell it to the board,
I suppose I'm in.
You can mention it to him tonight
at the wedding.
Good chance to warm 'em up
to the idea informally.
- Wedding? What wedding?
- Didn't you get the omen?
- [crows cawing]
- [thudding]
It's your cousin Sheila's wedding,
and we feel that it might look awkward
if you didn't attend.
Ugh! Do I have to? Sheila was part
of that cool clique in high school.
They'd call me "Beelzebubulbous"
every time I ate a soul.
Well, you weren't the CEO of Hell then,
were you? Demand respect.
You know what? You're right.
I should demand their respect.
Good. Oh, and bring a plus one.
There are rumors floating around
about why you aren't married yet.
What kind of rumors?
That you're ugly. I mean,
I guess they're not really rumors, huh?
More like observations based on your face.
Anyway, I'd bring a date.
[sighing]
Where am I gonna find a plus one?
[Godcat] Mmm. Uh
[licking]
Mmm. Mmm.
Ugh!
For the millionth time, not a chance.
No way. No.
- [mystical tone plays]
- Come on! Weddings in Hell are amazing.
Plus, tonight's a big deal for me.
I'm gonna pitch the board my new idea.
It's called the Regret Portal.
It allows humans to go back in time
and fix their one biggest regret.
I'd go back in time, and stop you from
giving it such a stupid name. [laughs]
- Up top. [laughs]
- Right?
Hey, I'll change you back
into God form for the night,
in a disguise,
so no one will know it's you.
For the last time I
In disguise? Hah. All right, I'll go.
Yes! Thank you!
Okay, I'll order us a hellhole.
See you in a few.
[in singsong] Ooh.
Someone's got a date with the devil.
It's not a date.
It's an opportunity
to snoop around Hell in disguise.
Heaven's board would love it
if I uncovered the root of all evil.
I'm betting it's either greed,
lust, or VeggieTales.
- [line rings, beeps]
- Cheryl, it's me.
Get Aslandeus and Craig on
Denise? Where's Cheryl?
A sick day?
Well, how could she be sick?
She's a fairy.
I don't even think they have organs.
[grunting]
♪foot in
You take your right foot out ♪
You do the Horky Porky
And you turn ♪
[dramatic music playing]
You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪
You do the Horky Porky
And you turn yourself ♪
The "Horky Porky"?
[all laughing]
[moaning, groaning]
[Regret Portal voice]
Wanna go back and change it, huh?
- That's right. Fix that regret.
- Hmm.
- Travis? What is that thing?
- It's a Regret Portal.
Don't trip. It's just a prototype.
It won't actually take my soul.
I'm going back in time
to undo my biggest regret,
singing that Horky Porky song.
You can't do that. You could screw up
the space-time continuum.
Yes. Yeah, I agree.
Better to just leave it
in the past, buddy.
I did one stupid thing when I was little,
and because some jerk live-streamed it,
I get bullied non-stop.
If I don't make it back,
cover my grave in Reese's cups and hentai.
I wish to die as I lived.
Well I have always wanted
to do father-son time travel with you.
Well, at least that's what
my dad called it when he'd black out
from drinking bong water
on his custody weekends.
No! Dad, don't you realize what
[Regret Portal whirs, dings]
- [Travis screams]
- [Marv gasps]
[both grunt]
[Regret Portal Voice]
Welcome, Travis Higgins,
to the day of your biggest regret.
Wow. This is so neat.
Maybe I should go back
and fix my biggest regret,
investing my life savings in Friendster.
Okay, Dad.
Look for someone streaming on an iPad.
That's the butt-dumpster
who ruined my life.
[soft music playing]
Oh. SEAL Team Three.
They put the "friendly" in friendly fire.
- [door slams]
- Mom, we have an emergency.
A real emergency,
or one of your pretend Greta emergencies?
I need your help.
There's a chance that Dad and Travis
are about to collapse the universe
upon itself.
That is an emergency!
This will be so much fun.
I used to love going on missions
with my SEAL team.
Except for the time
when we got stranded on a mountain
and had to eat my friend Kathy's feet.
- [Regret Portal dings]
- [both screaming]
[both grunting]
[Regret Portal voice]
Welcome, Abby Higgins,
to the day of your biggest regret.
Oh no! It appears
since you touched the portal, Mom,
we are at the day of your biggest regret.
My biggest regret? What is my biggest
[percussive music playing]
Of course.
[Abbie] Seventeen years ago,
I was sent to bring
the world's worst dictator to justice,
Grizzly Jung Un.
We got intel he was about to attack Alaska
and seize control
of their strategic flannel reserves.
I was at a crossroads.
I'd been in the SEALs
for a while and wanted a change of pace.
Something came over me that morning,
and I quit.
The Alaskan flannel industry
never recovered.
I've never forgiven myself.
But now I'm back,
and I can finally set things right by
Oh. But that would screw up
the whole space-time thingy, huh?
Well, I suppose we've already messed up
the timeline simply by being here.
Maybe after this,
we could bring other evildoers to justice
like Ted Bundy or the California Raisins.
Really? Oh, honey,
this will be so fun. Come on.
[Godcat screaming]
[panting]
Oh man.
Good to be back in my old body again.
I forgot how incredible being hot feels.
- Hey, where does that door go?
- Dad's office. No one's allowed in.
Now remember,
if a succubus tries to shake your hand,
it's polite to pull out her fingernails.
Don't make eye contact with Medusa.
She won't turn you into stone.
She's just super talkative,
and you'll get stuck for like an hour.
["Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol playing]
[screaming]
[demons sighing, groaning]
[screaming in distance]
[gasps] Look, it's the board.
Okay. This is my chance
to sell them on the Regret Portal.
You good?
Yeah, just gonna mingle.
Do some demon-watching,
you know, have a look around.
[slurping]
Hi. I'm
[growling, grunting]
Well, hello.
I'm Bloodvomit McSports-Hernia.
Enchanté.
So then, I says, so then, I says,
"Don't look at me, Walt.
EPCOT Center was your idea."
[all laughing]
Oh yeah! [forced laughter]
Hello, Beelzebub. Good to see you.
You learned how to be evil yet?
Maybe just become a chiropractor.
[demons laugh]
Ha, ha. Good one. Actually,
I have a new idea I'd like to run by you.
Let's find our table,
and I'll tell you all about it.
Oh. We told Dan he could switch
with you and sit at our table.
[kissing]
Eh, you could sit
at his spot at table nine.
[screaming]
[whimpers]
[scoffs] You're not gonna believe this.
Look at the buffet line.
Meatloaf, the musician, is standing there
holding a plate of meatloaf, the food.
- Come on, let's get a pic.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
Wait 'til I get my hands
on the jerk who filmed me.
Hey, Dad,
you've led a life of humiliation.
What's more painful,
a titty twister or a teste twirler?
[gulping]
There! There he is. Get him!
Um Wait! Better idea.
The fire alarm.
- [alarm ringing]
- [people screaming]
Hell yeah. Great idea, Dad.
[soft music playing]
Come on, buddy. Let's get back.
[Regret Portal dings]
[heavenly music plays]
Wow. I'm finally free.
Uh, Travis, buddy?
- [loud thud]
- [people screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
[roaring]
How could this happen
from undoing one thing?
- [alarm ringing]
- [people screaming]
[dings]
Man, false alarm!
I've had enough
of these false alarms, Chief.
I need to focus on my true passion,
gene splicing!
[ominous music playing]
[laughing evilly]
[roaring]
[laughing evilly]
We have to undo the undo.
So I guess we have to do the do.
Oh. That's where that phrase comes from.
No, I say we train the shark dragons
to be service animals that can
[dramatic music plays]
- [roaring]
- [screaming]
Okay, I was wrong.
Very, very wrong.
[upbeat music playing]
[grunting]
Yeah! Hell yeah!
[all cheering]
Dictator eyeball pong rules.
Now drink, losers.
[slurping]
Nostrovia!
[gasping] There they are. The cool girls.
Remember, you own a robocall company,
we met on Scream Harmony,
and we just got back from
Oh, what's the worst place
in the universe?
Oh, I got it. San Diego.
You're CEO?
[scoffs, laughs]
Your daddy didn't buy you a new nose,
but at least he made you head
of his floundering corporation.
Well, I'm trying to fix that, but
I just became CEO of Facebook.
The previous demon that was possessing
Mark Zuckerberg died inside of him.
And is this your husband?
[sighs] You both reek of that
"we got a bread maker as a wedding gift
and tried to return it
for store credit" vibe.
[groaning]
Lilith, you look like
you could use a top-off.
I'll grab some drinks.
'Sup, bro? I'm Todd. You party?
Does a hobgoblin's butt crack
run sideways?
[laughs]
Hey, think we could do some partying
in Satan's secret office?
Maybe check out the root of all evil
or whatever.
Whoa. That's off-limits, bro.
[laughing] JK, my dude.
As we say in Hell, "Here freaking yeah!"
- [wind gusting]
- [both panting]
This is so nice, sweetie.
We never do mommy-daughter days like this.
Eh, you two. Stop right there, eh?
[Abbie grunts]
[grunts]
- No! Please, eh, let go!
- See, hon? This is how you strangle.
When you hear gurgling,
that's when you know to stop.
- Bacon.
- I call it the death gurgle.
It used to be my ringtone.
[gurgling]
[Abbie humming]
Wait, you were happy doing this job?
Oh yeah, my life in the SEALs was a blast.
The USO shows were awesome.
Ooh. Have you ever seen Carrot Top?
He's got this thing
where it's a golf club on one end
and a stethoscope on the other, and
[laughs]
- I don't wanna ruin it for you.
- So then, why did you quit?
Well, I wanted to start a family,
like my own personal SEAL Team,
going on fun missions together.
But you're into your school stuff,
and Travis has his unboxing obligations,
- so it's not quite what I
- [Mountie grunting]
Hey!
- [Greta grunts]
- [groans]
Great job, hon! You are a natural!
Nah. Nah. But for real, yo.
Y'all wouldn't believe
what a monster my bro Drawk used to be.
[chuckles]
This guy is straight-banned from
the Eighth Circle, am I right? What, what.
Drink up, ladies.
These are on me. [slurps]
Yo, yo, I got the key. Let's go
to Satan's office.
All the foosball, titty posters,
and unplaceable smells you can want.
So after forcing everyone
to use soggy paper straws,
I'm gonna mandate
eco-friendly compostable underwear.
Remember that time when you tried
to form an improv team in high school
because your dad was friends
with Wayne Brady?
Then you had to do a one-woman improv show
because no one joined.
And it was like somehow even sadder
than regular improv.
[all laughing]
[mysterious music playing]
Hey, Lilith, I thought about it,
and I'm happy
to lend you that money you asked for.
Uh, what money?
What are you talking about?
You know, how you asked
to borrow some money from me
because you spent so much
on couples therapy
when you found out
your husband was cheating on you.
[gasping]
That's absurd. Kevin loves me.
You know,
he said you're annoying and stupid,
and you'll never be
as successful as Beelzebub.
And when he sees you naked,
you look like a melting candle.
His words, not mine.
[whimpers]
[whispering] Be quiet.
We don't wanna wake the guard moose.
I've gotta admit, Mom,
I'm having fun hanging out with you.
It's like having a spa day
but with balaclavas and vengeance.
Aw, I knew you'd come around, hon.
Remember, this guy is a dictator,
but he's a Canadian dictator.
So expect him to be super polite
right before we paint the walls
with his brains.
Wait, what?
We are not killing anyone.
Killing people is bad.
But he's bad, Greta.
Every Christmas he eats reindeer live
on the Hallmark Channel,
cohosted by Lacey Chabert.
Okay. You can threaten his life,
give him a stern warning,
and make him promise to change his ways.
This would never happen in the SEALs.
Our team was given orders,
we followed them,
and we would accomplish our mission.
But is that what your kids do? Nope.
Well, what, may I ask,
did you think motherhood entailed exactly?
I thought motherhood
would be straightforward.
I thought my kids
would wanna learn from me,
but it's nothing like that at all.
- [snoring]
- Wait a minute. That's why we're here.
Missing out on this mission
isn't your biggest regret.
Your regret was quitting the SEALs
to start a family on this day.
Ha! See, it is. Travis and I,
we are your biggest regrets.
[gun cocking]
- [gasping]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [gun firing]
- [grunting]
[alarms blaring]
- Greta!
- No, Mom. I do not wanna talk to you.
Eh, hold it right there, you hosers!
[gun cocks]
[grunting]
This would've never happened
if you'd let me quietly murder
that man in his sleep.
[moose bellows]
Well, this also wouldn't have happened
if you'd stayed in the Army
instead of having kids.
Then we'd all have been better off.
How dare you say something like that.
I wasn't in the Army. I was in the Navy!
[Greta screaming]
[music continues]
[grunts]
[grunting]
- [moose bellows]
- Giddy up. [clicks tongue]
Come on, boy.
Whoo-hoo!
Hell yeah!
That was awesome, wasn't it, honey?
Sorry, what? I'm pretending I don't exist,
like you wished for.
[sighing]
[moose bellowing]
["Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol playing]
- Thank you for that back there.
- My pleasure.
I don't know why you wanted
to impress those idiots to begin with.
That Lilith chick is awful.
Also, she's clearly had work done
on those horns.
[both giggling]
Seriously, though. Why do you care?
[scoffs] You don't get it.
I'm the spawn of Satan.
It's a lot to live down to.
You're CEO. You have lived down to it.
Pfft! Yeah,
I'm knocking it out of the park.
Look, only you and I know
how hard this job is.
Don't question yourself.
Maybe those girls are right though.
I basically sacrificed everything
for this.
And now, once I'm waist-deep in it,
and I can't turn back,
I'm like, "Was it worth it?
Do I even want this job?"
- "Do I even belong down here at all?"
- It was. You do.
I forgot the third question.
[both laughing]
To being lonely at the top,
or at the bottom, if you're in Hell.
[slurping]
- Ooh!
- These are strong!
These goat blood martinis
are not messing around.
Hey, what do we have here?
The key to my dad's office?
Um Wait! Better idea.
The fire alarm.
[dramatic music playing]
- [grunting]
- Ow! [groans]
Why do my nuts hurt?
Oh, right.
If I hurt my one-hour-ago self,
I'll feel it as well.
Oh. Is that so?
[grunts]
That's for kicking me in the balls.
How do you like us now Friar Tuck?
Whoa, Travis, looks like
the alopecia gene struck a little early.
[laughs]
Well, I did it. I stopped other me
from stopping the show.
You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪
You do the Horky Porky
And you turn yourself ♪
The "Horky Porky"?
[all laughing]
I guess I'm just gonna have to put up
with the humiliation
of being the Horky Porky kid forever.
Wait. I want you to see something.
It was you!
[Marv] Yeah, Trav.
It was me, and
and I'm sorry I lied to you,
but I'm not sorry
for capturing that moment.
You got up there in front of everyone
and gave it your all.
But everyone drags me for it.
Son, there will always be bullies,
uh, cyber or IRL,
but you have to ask yourself,
"Do I change who I am to please them,
or do I stand up
for the person I choose to be?"
Hey, Marv. Psst.
It's me, you from the future.
How's it going?
I knew this day would come.
Okay, lay it on me.
What are tonight's lottery numbers?
Are they 12345678? Statistically unlikely,
I know, but so is every other number
[both]
if you really think about it, right?
- Hey, I need your iPad to
- [Travis] No, Dad.
It's okay.
Past you can stream it if he wants to.
You're right. What do I care
what boobwizard420 thinks of me?
Wait, that's what people's names
are in the future? That's awesome.
- [laughs]
- Shh.
[both snickering]
[whispering] Quiet.
Um, excuse me, what are you doing?
[sighing] Okay, hear me out.
One of the main reasons
I wanted to come here was to see
the root of all evil.
What? That's what you're so excited about?
Well, you at least have to
take a shot of it.
The root of all evil is alcohol?
[laughs] No, that's just the dumb name
for the scotch we distill in-house
down here.
There is no single root of all evil.
It's sort of just everywhere,
like tree pollen,
or the tiny fecal particles
in the food at Chick-fil-A.
[coughing]
[both grunting]
It's like Napalm and halibut.
[exhales]
Oh, look a cute little spawn of Satan.
You were adorable. I see the resemblance.
[scoffs] That's from when he opened
a no-kill shelter for plague rats.
Such a legend.
Huh. What's this?
I'm not sure.
The date at the top is a few days
before he died.
"Dear Shirley, I thought you'd like to see
how much she's grown."
"She looks more like you every day."
"I'll try to make it back up
to Earth soon to see you."
"With love, Satan."
"P.S. I miss your butt."
I don't
I don't understand.
I think your dad had an affair
with a human woman named Shirley.
Wait. So that means I'm
[gasping]
[closing theme music playing]
[music ends]