Fairview (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 For the past 50,000 years, human beings have lived on Planet Earth in 100% perfect harmony.
But then a few books changed all that.
Mayor Kelly, you're going to want to sit down.
I was working late last night in the high school library and spotted this receipt on the counter.
It's an unpaid position.
No one's impressed, Denise.
Anyway, as you can see, on Friday, sometime before 8:00 p.
m.
, Omni will deliver these three books to the library.
Award-winning novels about the Black, queer, - and Jewish experience? - Couldn't say, but I do know they contain high levels of CRT, critical race theory, the theory that America's institutions - are systemically racist.
- Which is obviously false because Kevin Hart's doing really great.
And we're all super happy for him.
He deserves it.
And he really loves his family, which is nice.
What a wonderful visit.
Can I go back to bed now? No! Have you not been watching TV? CRT will destroy Fairview.
Our schoolchildren will develop a thirst for white Christian blood.
I'll have to cover myself in bear estrus just to throw off their scent.
Can you imagine the horror of white people not feeling like every morning is Christmas morning at a Disney hotel? Have the kids said anything about CRT? They could care less.
They're filming TikTok dances and jacking off, anything to avoid their psycho parents.
Is everything alright? Everything's fine, Jake.
Why don't you and Professor - Hoppy go watch TV in my bed? - Okay.
If you want to watch your boyfriend grow up, you'll stop those books and save this town from the disaster of learning something that bums them out.
Denise, you got to stop mentioning that library job.
How about a real gig like slicing up hogs at the butcher? Lonny and Denise are overreacting.
There's no way these parents will tear apart Fairview over a few library books that slightly challenge their world view.
You don't know white ladies.
The world is their Lululemon store, and we're all just sales clerks being berated for not letting them return an obviously worn pair of leggings.
They'd ban those books simply because none of the characters is trying to balance her love life with a high-powered PR job.
I'm married to a white lady.
I don't even remember asking her.
I took a sip of some weird cola and woke up at the altar.
I see.
Well, sometimes the only way to achieve true progress is to give babies their bottle so they're too sleepy to heed Tucker Carlson's call for a race war.
So how do we stop these books? The library already ordered them! So we'd have to land on the Omni delivery truck and drop in a nuclear bomb.
Or take the books out of the back and throw them in the trash or whatever.
Alright.
Want a tight lid on this.
I can't imagine the chaos if people find out before tonight's school board meeting.
Uh, guys? I have six missed calls from Holly.
Three or less means she wants me to check out a random dog's dong.
Four or more means a threat on her status.
The news has been leaked.
So, it turns out the school board members heard about the books, knew what was coming, broke their own noses so they'd be unrecognizable on surveillance cams, and headed to the Canadian border to try to get work as lumberjacks.
So I'll preside over this thoughtful debate.
Those books will blow a hole through my kids' egos, and I'm not feeding them enough Cheetos to fill it.
- Yeah! - The last thing our kids need is to learn from the sins of the past.
That deprives them from learning from them when they eventually commit them.
- Yeah! - This book will make kids think discrimination persists today, but Fairview elected a Black mayor, so I think we're good.
- Yeah! We're good! - We're good! If you're good, then you'll be fine with the books.
- No! - Boo! - Screw the books! - No! Boo! No! Screw the books.
I hate to come into Lady Lunch this hot, but during the town hall, not one administrator offered to strap on a suicide vest and jump on those books.
Kids go to school to learn how to belly crawl from a masked gunman so they'll be prepared to work at Walmart, not to learn what people who aren't them might have gone through.
Holly, you have two children.
How will you keep their precious minds unpolluted by Pulitzer winners? I haven't thought about it.
I've been too busy trying to get Dave Portnoy to come guest speak to Ashley's volleyball team.
If those were my children, I'd march into that school right alongside them.
Make sure their teachers don't try any critical race theory on them.
I am so glad I have you two for support.
Before our meetups, I'd just pound Chardonnay and scream all this stuff as I ride a stolen kid's bicycle around town.
You two are my everything.
You're the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning on the garage floor.
I feel the same.
We'll always accept each other, unless of course someone veers off the path.
Then we'll drop them from our lives like blood from a severed artery.
The unhinged people of Fairview need us to stop three books from hitting the shelves of a library no one ever goes in, and quick.
So I think we have no choice but to accept this mission.
Don't you mean suicide mission? No one's ever tried to stop an Omni truck from making a delivery and come out the other side alive.
One last night on Earth before we go down in history for protecting our town from learning about history.
I have a new barbecue recipe, but it takes time to ferment the mesquite.
Can't wait to try it someday.
Hopefully, this one isn't another summer camp for Listeria.
You're gonna get to try it one day, right? Like, everything's gonna be okay? - Of course.
- Good.
I promise to keep it sitting out in the sun until you come back.
I just wanted to let you know I'm going on a risky mission.
In case I don't come back, I'm sorry.
For what? Not caring about my feelings? Never asking about my day? Never learning how to spell my name? Parking my car in the middle of a drawbridge? Constantly leaving the toilet seat up and disconnected from the bowl? Once giving me a fork you found on the sidewalk - for my birthday? - All of it.
Next time you see me, "Sandeee," S-A-N-D-E-E-E - No.
- No? Well, I'll be a hero.
And you just might want me back in your home bathing myself in your utility sink.
Don't worry.
We'll take good care of him.
We'll feed him from the front and back just to be safe.
Okay, thank you! You sure the kids are gonna be okay? Don't worry about them.
I'm going to go to school with them, screaming into their eardrums nonstop so they can't hear any CRT.
Hey, if something goes wrong with the mission, I want you to put my face over your next lover's face and call him Todd.
- No! - Keep me next to you in the bed until I rot down to the bones? - No! - Can you at least wring the sweat out of my bed pillow so you and the kids can drink it on my birthday? - No! - Alright.
I'm gonna go sit on the crapper for 45 minutes.
I don't know what I'd do without that guy.
The fake news, they call it history But we all know that's code for CRT We gotta ban these books Before somebody learns something Teaching kids Black history Is no different than slavery We gotta ban these books Before somebody learns something I address you today not as the mayor of Fairview, but as a citizen who does not want to see white ladies set fire to a teachers' lounge.
The dreams of this town to focus only on ourselves and the petty luxuries we believe are our God-given right, are now placed in the hands of these brave souls, who don't have anyone close to them who is not okay with them risking their lives.
Now let's go get these three books! Hooray! Go, Fairview! Go, Fairview.
These books carrying critical race theory are heading to Fairview on an Omni delivery truck at a million millimeters a second, scorching a fiery trail of wokeness in its wake.
Here to help us stop it is Omni's manager, Moonman.
No one on Earth knows more about Omni delivery trucks - and less about the clitoris.
- I think it's on the woman's chin.
- What is he getting out of this? - All I ask is tell me if I'm on the right track with that chin theory.
- You're not.
- Ah.
The search continues.
You've held up your side of the bargain.
- Let's get down to business.
- Can we just wait until the driver needs to go to the bathroom, then grab the books from the back? Omni drivers don't stop to go to the bathroom.
If they stop for anything, we take away their health insurance.
There's only one way to stop them.
- How? - You drill.
- Into the side of the truck? - No.
The driver's head.
Right in the ear hole.
It's the only way to stop them.
Also, the only way we've tried.
Obviously, we're not doing that.
I wasn't done.
After you drill into the skull core, you need to implant a grenade.
That way, the driver's head will safely split into two pieces.
Then just shake off the brain matter like a wet shaggy dog, jump in the back, and grab the package.
Great.
I can get my hands on a power drill - and grenades no problem.
- Hold on! We're not going to kill an Omni delivery driver.
They're already dead emotionally.
If anything, you're doing them a favor.
- Ah.
Mercy kill.
- And exploding this one head will prevent the explosion of countless white ladies' heads.
Kelly, you good? Good.
Moving on, you all kick your feet up while I go complete this mission.
Hold on.
Last time you did something alone, you made the bakery put five E's on your wife's birthday cake.
We gotta work together.
Sorry, gang.
Glen Michaels works alone.
Now I'm gonna need you four to go out to the parking lot before me to make sure there aren't any ghosts.
Is it on the elbow? As you can see, Beef's mother, Mrs.
Osterdorff, is accompanying him to school to make sure we're teaching the way she likes.
Great to be here, everyone.
My favorite is fish sticks.
I already got a boyfriend and we've done it.
Mom, shut up! You're screwing with my cred! Oh, stop.
People think it's cool you came out of my vagina.
Doctors said they had never seen a messier birth in their lives.
Looked like someone set off an M-80 inside a shrimp burrito.
- Mom! - Oh, Jesus.
Well, glad I already had my eggplant Parmesan.
Let's go ahead and jump into the nation's founding - That's not what happened.
- I haven't even said what happened.
Good, and don't.
Because you're gonna critical race theory it and not say the real history, like how George Washington's dad is Jesus Christ.
Mrs.
Osterdorff, can I see you after class? This teacher's a hardass, huh? Glen, you can't complete this mission alone.
Who's gonna drive while you jump on the Omni truck? Who's gonna remind you that the radio is not the car trying to talk to you? Who's gonna kiss your owwies if you get a splinter? Not sure if you heard, but I kiss my own owwies now.
And someone's gonna come out of this a hero, and I think it should be me.
He thinks being a hero could get his ex-wife back.
Maybe I do.
Maybe I want someone to grow old with, someone to get me a soda because I'm thirsty from brushing my teeth so hard, someone to help me with the crossword in the Sunday morning "Hustler.
" Glen, this self-centered behavior is why Sandy left you.
You gotta think about someone other than yourself.
- Be a team player.
- Kelly's a great driver.
I make a mean playlist.
Todd's good at keeping the car weighted down.
Whoa! I never even considered the car might float away.
This is what we mean.
We need each other.
Have I guessed the chin yet? - So, is everything okay at home? - What do you care? It's not like you have a tough home life, Mr.
Four-Figure Salary.
Of course I do.
I'm scared I'm never gonna meet anyone.
I keep telling my roommate Jessica to introduce me to her friends, and she's like, "You're not their type.
They like the guys with tattoos," and I'm like, "I'll get a tattoo, big motorbike or something.
" What are you scared of? I'm scared that I'm gonna learn something that makes my kids see me different and makes me see myself different.
Maybe that's why I'm always acting out in class.
Oh, sure, it might be uncomfortable to learn that every building in this country stands on a foundation of skulls, but you'll be okay.
You got so much going for ya.
- Really? - Yeah! You're bright, you got a voice deep enough to ward off bear attacks, you got a great family I'd say you got it made.
Thanks, Mr.
M.
I think you'd look good with however much of the tattoo they get on there before you start bawling.
The Omni delivery truck is right up ahead.
- How we looking, Glen? - The drill is charged.
Luckily, it was still plugged in when I took it from the neighbors' garage.
Ha ha! Todd, is the car gonna fly away? - Not with my dead weight.
- That just leaves the playlist.
Chelsea, give us some jams to censor a library to.
Such an enlightening book.
I will finish it later.
I had a nice conversation with Mr.
M today.
Turns out, sometimes, I need to take off my talking cap and put all my listening cap, which I have on right now.
Ashley, do you have any annoying crap you think should be brought to my attention? This nation was built on a system designed to oppress and exploit non-white-cis-male peoples, and that system, try as it might to insist otherwise, still persists today.
I did not know that.
How eye-opening.
And I need to think about how I contribute to that problem and benefit from that system.
Baby Beef? I can't concentrate when you're talking! Thank you for sharing your lived struggle with me.
I need to be better at seeing the world through your eyes.
Hey, Mom, I think it's pretty cool that you're trying whatever this is.
Alright, Glen, do your thing, and I'm not looking so I can still pass a polygraph.
Hey, I don't jump on your car while you're trying to take a crap.
Aw, man, this guy smells like piss and shit! Cut me a break.
You try urinating in a Snapple bottle while doing 80 around a cul de sac.
- Tough last words.
- Alright, Glen.
Nice and steady.
Careful, careful.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Abort! Abort! You're here to mercy-kill me? Sweet! If I die on the job, Omni covers the cost of hosing me off the seats.
Alright, now shove a grenade into his ear hole.
I think we're good.
Then just take the wheel, slow down that truck, and those books will never hurt our precious library that was made obsolete by the internet 17 years ago.
Nice teamwork, everyone.
Uh, let me just take care of something real quick over here.
Did you finally figure out how to spell my name? I did, but I don't have time to spell it because I'm busy being a hero.
I just drilled through a minimum-wage employee's brain and am about to blow up award-winning books about topics including slavery and the Holocaust.
- So now will you take me back? - No, Glen.
Listen to yourself.
You're just being a self-serving jerk again.
You just want what you want, no matter who gets hurt.
Goodbye.
New plan.
We gotta save these books.
What are you talking about? Did you just call your ex-wife? What does that have to do with anything? I've had a firm, deeply held belief for the last 8 seconds that we need to save these books.
And if you're not with me, then I'll do it myself.
After I'm done with the other deliveries, of course.
Dear God.
We're just thrilled to have you back after your exotic trip to public school.
So tell us, were the teachers using hypnosis or torture - to force CRT on the kids? - Oh, no! I actually found it broadened my horizons.
Did you know that George Washington's teeth - came from slaves? - That's silly.
They were made of wood.
I saw it - in a picture book when I was 2.
- That's what I thought, but it turns out there is no evidence of that, but there is a receipt showing Washington purchased teeth.
How dare you? The founding fathers and their untreated syphilitic brains were doing the best they could.
Connie, slap her.
As an officer of the law, I can't hit a private citizen unless I pull them over for a broken taillight.
- Ow! - What you said may not be treason in a court of law, but it's treason in the court of Lady Lunch.
- Connie, let's go.
- Sorry.
She's my ride since tapeworms ate half my carburetor.
Fairview, it is with the utmost sadness that I must report that our mission to stop the delivery of three books loaded with critical race theory to the library has failed.
The only thing we can do now is enjoy these final moments of being blissfully unaware of how messed-up our country is.
Don't worry, everyone.
I thought this might happen, - so I built a bunker.
- Hooray! Should we just follow you, or? Oh, it's a one-person bunker.
Sorry, I swore I said that.
Don't you mean two-person? You know, for me, your wife? Of course.
Let me just run ahead and make sure it's nice and warm for you.
Lonny is so thoughtful.
I wish I could have held off these books long enough to try that barbecue sauce.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, don't say that.
Don't say that.
You did everything you could.
And by the way, it is the belief of my people, barbecue sauce people, that after you die, you go live in the big teak deck in the sky surrounded by every barbecue sauce ever made Sticky Rick's Flamefest, Smoke Town Spicy Central, Momma Heather's Love Hots, Mississippi Ultra-Reflux Sour Mustard Blast, Matty Tweed's Tummy Lava, Heinz He was a lot hungrier in the front hole than the back hole.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop CR from coming to Fairview.
I sat in the car as hard as I could.
You ever think that maybe those books slamming into Fairview - might actually be a good thing? - What do you mean? Mr.
Myers helped me realize that sometimes we do everything in our power not to feel someone's pain.
But pain is the price of growing closer to people.
What happened to you when I was gone? I shut my fucking mouth for one Goddamn second.
This is it, folks, the long "prophesized" Judgey Day.
The day three super judge-y books arrive in Fairview.
And I know what you're thinking.
Our lives are over.
You think life is like a lubed-up piece of salami being slingshot toward a cat's bunghole.
Just falls to the ground.
But life isn't that.
It's like a treat gently placed on the cat's weird sandpaper tongue.
And when those books strike, we'll tumble down into that cat's guts.
And when this thing is all over, we'll smell terrible, yet we will come out on the other side.
Good news.
Sheriff Roger said just this one time, we can use the SWAT tank for something other than dispersing loiterers and instead blow up that Omni delivery truck.
What? Before the show begins, a reminder that human organs could go flying, so if you're wearing nice clothes, stand in the back.
Glen, you have to stop.
They're going to take out that Omni delivery truck whether you're in it or not.
They decided it's going to look too cool to pass up.
Yeah, well, getting these books into our school library is about something bigger than educating children.
It's about me winning a fight I just had with my ex-wife.
Also, unrelated, is Sandy there? - No.
- Shit! Whatever.
Tell her I died not being selfish, and, therefore, she should spend the rest of her life crying about me.
I'll see you in 30 seconds.
I'll be the fireball.
Wait! Pastor Marv was right.
This isn't a meteor.
It's just books.
Books that exist no matter how many times you ban them from a library or fire a missile through them.
And they're going to make people in this town uncomfortable, and we will live to see the other side.
And there, you will be a better, happier, more connected person.
So stop being a Goddamn baby and have the courage to plunge into those cat's guts and tumble out its asshole.
What's everyone doing? Let's help her out! - Yeah! - Hooray! - Let's do it! - Whoo! Great.
Now I gotta wait till I smell marijuana within a mile radius of a house before I can use this thing.
Hello! Sandy? Sandy? No Sandy? Whatever.
You guys tell her I unselfishly carried out the delivery of the driver I killed.
Here are the three very important books for the Fairview High School Library.
Accept the delivery, or I'll slap you back.
I guess I'll bring them on inside.
- Yay! - Hooray! This will no longer be called Lady Lunch, just Lunch, because we have a visitor.
Thank you so much for letting me crash the party.
I'll start.
I have a new tattoo.
Hell yeah.
What'd you go with? I asked for a super hung scorpion with a devil's head on my chest, but they got 2 millimeters into the scorpion's urethra, and I just started crying so hard, I ralphed all over the place.
Denise, you need a tattoo.
You'd look badass with a skeleton lawnmower'ing your bush.
I'd have to check with my husband.
Might be a while.
He's 1,000 feet below the Earth's surface in a Dumpster full of pillows and freeze-dried beef stroganoff.
I'm sure Fairview will have a freakout for a bit, and then they'll move on to some other freakout.
Hey, it all worked out, right? No, I'm saying the freakouts will never end, ever.
Alright, well, I got something for ya.
It's not barbecue heaven, but it is my freshly fermented mesquite recipe.
The secret ingredient is Wrigley's Gum.
- Go ahead.
Try some.
- I can't wait.
How long did this sit in the sun? I don't know.
You know my clock's batteries are junk.
Maybe just go boil it for a while.
That's gonna mess with the taste, but anything for Princess Please Preserve My Stomach Lining.
Think you're a hero or something? At the very least, I freed an Omni employee to go and piss in the big tennis ball can in the sky.
- You dropped this.
- Apology accepted.
Look, I'm starting to figure out I'm not perfect and a terrible speller.
But I'm working on it.
- It's gonna be a lot of work.
- I said I'm working on it! You know what? We tried giving our marriage a second chance, but these past few seconds have been exhausting! - Forget it! I'm out! - You better not come back here, or I'll spray-paint your sexual shortcomings - on another overpass! - Eat shit!