Fam (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 So that's the finalized menu for the wedding.
Mmm.
And here is a list of who will be walking with whom down the aisle.
Isn't she amazing? She drew tiny bodies, went on Facebook, got everybody's picture, and glued their little faces on.
And yet, somehow, my fantasy football league is a big waste of time.
This might be a stupid question considering who Nick's friends are, but is there any chance I'm not walking down the aisle with a total dork? You're, uh, you're with Spence.
So is he at least, like, a hot dork? Like, what am I dealing with here? [chuckles.]
Spence is a very good-looking guy.
What am I talking about? You're 16 years old.
Just shut up and walk.
Clem, sweetheart, I created this special page of you in your beautiful gown walking down the aisle with your father Freddy.
[laughing.]
: Oh, yeah.
That's, uh, not happening.
Sorry, Rose, but he doesn't get to be a lousy father my whole life and then swoop in on my wedding day and give me away.
Besides, he already tried to give me away once to the upstairs neighbors when I was eight.
The next time I'm in a play and have to cry on cue, I'm gonna use that.
Well, sweetheart, you better tell Freddy he's not walking you down the aisle because I'm pretty sure he's expecting to.
Fine.
I'll call him.
Oh, sweetheart, this isn't something you want to do over the phone.
The man ended two marriages over the phone; he'll be fine.
He didn't actually do that, did he? Walt, I know our dad seems like a horrible guy, but once you get to know him, he's even worse.
And don't forget, Shannon, Sunday the bridesmaids have their fittings for their gowns.
Ugh.
Sorry, Rose, can't.
Me and my peeps are going to the Electric Feather Music Festival in Pennsylvania this weekend.
Excuse me? I know what you're gonna say: I can't miss school Friday and Monday.
But this festival is a learning experience.
Do you know what's an even better learning experience? Having your ass in school.
There is no way you're going to a music festival, Shannon.
It's 50 acres of drugs, drinking, nudity, and the Dave Matthews Band.
Oh, my God.
Clem, please.
You can trust me.
I will not see the Dave Matthews Band.
Well, that's done.
I told my dad that he's not walking me down the aisle.
How'd he take it? He didn't seem to care.
He just asked if any of my hot friends would be sitting at his table.
I wish I had a dad who wanted to be a part of my life.
Well, if he hooks up with one of your hot friends, he'll be a part of your life.
[laughs.]
I was trying to make you laugh.
You don't want to laugh.
- [phone buzzing.]
- Yo, Shannon, your phone's buzzing.
Yeah, I know.
It's Jolene.
She's been calling for days, and I don't want to talk to her.
Who is Jolene? Her mother.
She lives in Arizona.
You call your mom Jolene? She's barely my mom.
She's just the woman who squeezed me out while smoking a cigarette in the break room of an Applebee's.
Well, if she's been calling you for days, she might have something important to tell you.
Oh, yeah.
- Like she's dead.
- [phone buzzing.]
Hello.
Damn it.
Ah, Jolene.
[sighs.]
You know, she was the reason why I left home at 16.
She's always had it out for me.
She once got drunk and made out with my boyfriend at my prom! Well, that's that.
What did she want? To tell me she's downstairs.
- Seriously? - I know, right? What kind of a woman drops by without calling first? She's been calling you for days.
[knocking on door.]
All right.
Let's see what the woman wants.
There's my baby.
[sighs.]
Shannon.
Look at you.
Oh.
You've become such a woman.
My eyes are up here, Jolene.
- Clem.
- Jolene.
[gasps.]
Oh.
Okay.
And we're hugging now.
Oh.
And who is this stunning creature? [giggles.]
I'm Nick.
[laughs.]
Clem's fiancé.
JOLENE: Well, you are a saint for taking this one in.
Nah.
No.
I love Shannon.
[laughs.]
I was talking about Clem, silly.
[whoops.]
[laughter.]
Oh, sweetie, it's been forever.
What have I missed? Oh, nothing.
Just three birthdays, puberty, adolescence.
No biggie.
Let me guess.
You're still mad at me for abandoning you.
And you should be.
But I'm a different person now, and it's all it's all because of Harold.
Harold? I got married again.
And for the first time in my life, I'm in love.
More than with Steve Epstein from my prom? Who? Oh, right.
No, that kid was amazing.
But he's got nothing on this guy, huh? Hey-oh! [laughs.]
Okay, I'm, uh, I'm sensing a pattern here that I'm very uncomfortable with.
Sweetheart, I can't wait for you to meet Harold.
He's such an incredible person.
He's so wise and generous.
So he's old and loaded.
Yeah.
Little bit.
Little bit.
Okay, cool.
Well, congratulations, Jolene.
- It's been great.
- Honey, honey, honey.
I'm only in town for the weekend.
Let's do something fun, huh? I mean, do-do you have any plans? Not anymore.
I was gonna go to the Electric Feather Music Festival, but these two won't let me.
She wanted to drive all the way to Pennsylvania with a couple of girlfriends, completely unsupervised for four days doing who knows what.
I know what.
I did what.
Which is why we're not gonna let her do what.
Well, if you ask me, I say let her have some fun.
I mean, you're only 16 once, right? Yes, but we'd also like her to be 17 once.
Well, I'm her mom, and I say she can go.
SHANNON: Wait, what? I can go? - Mm-hmm.
- For real.
N-N-N-N-No.
You're living with us, we make the rules.
Well, maybe soon she'll be living someplace else.
What is that supposed to mean? All right, honey, come here.
Shanny, I wanted to wait until the end of the weekend to talk to you about this, but the reason why I came to town is, I want you to come live with me now.
In Arizona? Wait a second.
You really think you can abandon your daughter and then suddenly waltz back into her life and expect her to jump into your arms? That was the plan, yeah.
Look, you don't need to live with your sister.
And like this? Wait till you see our house.
Oh, my God, you can ride up and down in Harold's stair lift.
It's so fun.
Wait.
So I wouldn't have to walk up stairs? Okay, Shannon, that's not a reason to move to Arizona.
Yeah, but living with her mother is.
All right, you know what? Don't decide now.
You take some time to think about it while we go shopping for a new outfit for the music festival.
You're taking me to Electric Feather? Yeah, girl.
Oh, don't worry.
Clem, I'm gonna hire a driver.
That way we can drink and not worry about driving.
It's not the driving that I'm worried about, it's the drinking.
Not the driving, the drinking.
Geez.
When did she become such a worrywart? [giggles.]
Sorry.
I thought you were gonna smack me on my butt.
You thought right.
Come on, Shanny.
Let's go shopping.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wait.
Shannon.
Don't let Jolene talk you into anything.
Of course not.
Dude, that woman is the worst.
But Shanny needs to see her some Kendrick Lamar.
Bye.
Why isn't Shannon back from the festival yet? Every hour that goes by is another hour that Jolene can use to talk her into moving to Arizona.
What up, kids? Shannon.
Hey.
How was the music festival? [laughs.]
So dope.
Dude, Jolene can party.
She said there's another festival next month in Phoenix, and we can get backstage passes.
Wait.
I thought you were just using her for the festival.
Well, I mean, I was, but it's the first time I actually got to spend quality time with her.
Well, I'm gonna go to sleep.
I haven't slept in two days.
And, Clem, don't worry.
I did not see the Dave Matthews Band.
She's gonna go live with Jolene.
No way, babe.
We are not gonna let that happen.
What can we do, Nick? Jolene is her real mom.
Well, look, there is someone who has just as much a say about the situation as Jolene.
Is it God? Very much the opposite.
My dad? Yeah.
[whining.]
: No.
Hey, Dad.
Can I come in? Sure.
Watching hockey.
Grab a beer.
I assume you don't want me to walk you to the refrigerator.
I thought you didn't care.
I don't.
Wait a second.
What's that smell? - I don't know what you're - Don't move.
[sniffing.]
Jolene.
[sighs.]
Damn it, I was wearing this when she hugged me.
I really like this jacket and now I have to burn it.
So, my least favorite ex-wife is in town, huh? That woman is a monster from hell.
How's she look? Disgustingly fantastic.
When she left, she took me for everything I had, and I didn't have much.
God, I hate that woman.
Was she wearing boots? Listen, I've got a serious problem.
She's trying to take Shannon away from me.
Ooh, power play.
I know, right? She wants to move her to Arizona.
I meant the game.
The Rangers have a two-man advantage.
But your thing is also very interesting.
Jolene's only doing this because she hates me.
And you know that she's not a good parent for Shannon.
Please, Dad, will you talk to her? Hey, you have to make up your mind.
Am I a guy that you come to for help, or a useless jerk that you don't want in your life? Can't you be both? Freddy.
What are you doing here? Hello, Red.
[sighs.]
Is that a gun in your pocket? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Look, uh, we need to talk about Shannon.
I hear you want to move her to Arizona with you, and I'm here to tell you that ain't gonna happen.
Did Clem send you? No, Clem didn't send me.
I sent myself.
After briefly speaking with Clem on an unrelated matter.
Why should she stay here? I mean, I can buy her anything she wants.
Freddy, I'm loaded now.
I got two jaguars, only one of which is a car.
Listen.
I'm the father, and you can't move her to Arizona without my permission.
What are you doing? Nothing.
It's just a little warm in here.
No, no, no, no, no.
I know what you're doing, and it ain't gonna work.
You you put that milky white shoulder away.
You like that? Well, say hello to her little friend.
Oh the girls look good.
Come on, Freddy.
You know you missed me.
I hate you.
Wait a second.
Didn't you just get married? Yeah, but Harold's thing doesn't work.
We can't have that.
My dad's here.
I really hope he stuck it to Jolene.
Oh, I am sure Freddy gave it to her good.
[knocking.]
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Did you lay down the law? I mean, we definitely got something straight between us.
Thank you.
Hey, Shannon! No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Hold on, hold on.
- What up? Oh.
Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- Dad wants to talk to you about something.
Go ahead, Dad.
FREDDY: Uh, look, I just had an interesting talk with your mother.
We started off in different positions.
But in the end, we came together.
And, uh, we decided that, uh, if you want to move, it's your choice.
What?! So you're saying it's totally up to me? Yup.
Yeah, it was your mother's idea, but, uh, I got behind her pretty quick.
You're not gonna go, are you? Look, you guys have been awesome, and I totally appreciate everything you've done for me.
You guys, she's my mom.
And I really feel like I should give this a shot.
Is that really what you want? Yeah, I mean, what would you do if your mom came back for you? [ringtone plays.]
Got to go.
Jolene's here.
We're getting massages.
[laughs.]
See you later.
[door closes.]
What the hell happened, Dad?! Look, I know I didn't follow the plan exactly.
It sounds like you didn't follow the plan at all.
Clem said go to the hotel and talk to Jolene.
I did both those things! But Jolene made some compelling points.
Oh, my God.
You slept with her.
Why do you always assume the worst? But in this case, yes, you nailed it.
You don't care what happens to Shannon, do you? You don't care about anything when it comes to your kids.
Well, all right, then, if that's how you feel, I'll just go.
Yeah, that is how I feel.
Go! [door closes.]
Look, I'm sorry, babe.
You did everything you could.
I can't believe Shannon's gonna leave us.
Oh, look, Nick.
It's her sweater.
[sniffing.]
[voice breaking.]
: It smells like McNuggets and weed.
I got us a couple of post-massage mimosas.
I told them they were both for me.
Shh.
Jolene, how are you still drinking? I'm so hungover from this weekend.
When you come to Arizona, it's gonna be like this all the time.
Beefy women jamming their elbows in my ass? No, I mean the partying.
And the best part it's gonna be just you and me.
What about Harold? Mm.
Don't worry about him.
His nurse puts him to bed at 6:30, so the nights are ours.
FREDDY: Hey, I don't care if this is the ladies' area.
I'm a cop! Hey there, pumpkin.
Freddy, what the hell are you doing here? How did you even know where we were? You know that thing where a cop needs a warrant to track your cell phone? Well, I don't care about that thing.
Shannon, we need to talk.
If this is about her moving in with me, it's none of your business.
Hey, she's my daughter as much as yours.
What do you want, Dad? Listen to me, Shannon.
Moving in with this woman is a huge mistake, and I say that as someone who made a huge mistake moving in with this woman.
Freddy, get the hell out of here, okay? Your Axe body spray is drowning out the eucalyptus.
Look, Clem may not always be the most fun, or any fun at all.
Okay, she's the death of fun.
But she's a good person with good judgment.
Unlike this woman, who is terrible.
Hey, you're also terrible.
No one is arguing with that! Shannon, if you move in with me, I promise I won't tell you how to live your life.
Come on.
It's gonna be one non-stop party.
We'll be like sisters.
Shannon, that's the problem.
You don't need a mom who's like a sister.
You need a sister who's like a mom.
And that's what you've got.
Okay, can somebody please escort this man out of the ladies' area? Hey, you didn't mind having me in your lady's area last night.
Ew.
I heard that.
And I'm going, but think about what I said.
Some five-star hotel.
There's salad in the water.
What an idiot, right? Yeah.
[laughs.]
Babe, the house is gonna feel so empty without Shannon.
Who's gonna make fun of how I dress when she's gone? Your sweater is super dumb.
Nah, it's not the same.
It's sweet of you to try, though.
- Shannon.
- Hey, Clem.
Mr.
Rogers.
Yup, there it is.
I'm gonna miss that.
Well, you won't have to, 'cause I'm staying.
CLEM: You are?! - Really? - What happened? Well, I realized you guys need me.
[chuckles.]
And also, this might sound crazy, but I cannot keep up with Jolene.
I honestly think that Phoenix would have killed me.
And I really do want to live to see 17 once.
Oh, we're so happy that you're staying, Shannon.
Cool.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna Postmates some McNuggets and retire for the evening.
- Shannon - Oh, don't worry.
I'll put a towel under the door so you don't have to smell the the McNuggets.
[knocking.]
Geez, twice in one week.
Do I need a restraining order? Actually, Dad, in normal families, people see their parents on a regular basis.
No.
Look, I just came here to say three words that I never thought I would say before, but thank you, Dad.
Thanks for what? Shannon's not gonna live with Jolene, and I know it's because you went to the spa and talked to her.
Oh, please.
What gave you that idea? Well, first of all, you clearly stole that robe from the spa.
This? No.
I bought it last time I went in for a seaweed wrap.
You're getting seaweed wraps? You can't afford to pay your phone bill.
Because I'm prioritizing the seaweed wraps.
Okay, look, I know that you don't care about this kind of thing, but if you want to walk me down the aisle, you can.
Okay.
That's it? Just "okay"? What do you want me to say? I'd be happy to? Yeah.
Okay.
All right, Dad.
Later.
Later.
I'd be happy to.