Family Tools (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Oh! That's a good idea.
Throw me some of that sunscreen.
[Sighs.]
This was a brand-new bottle.
Yeah, thanks for picking that up, Jack.
That stuff's expensive.
Not cool, man.
I need the sunscreen more than you d - More than who?! - Nevermind.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please continue.
I am fascinated.
Why don't I need sunscreen? Uh, you do need sunscreen.
All of God's children need sunscreen.
We're all of the same, you know but I including me.
That's my point.
I needed it, and you didn't care because all Darren cares about is Darren.
[Cellphone rings.]
That phone has rung like three times in the last five minutes.
- You owe someone money? - It's just some crazy girl who can't get enough of me.
I mean, none of them can, but this girl doesn't understand boundaries.
Dude, that's my thermos.
Mm-hmm.
I'm saving mine for later.
You got to hydrate.
That sun is dangerous.
I'm a small-town guy, who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[Crash.]
I'll fix that! [Terry screams.]
You said you were gonna fix the shower.
Not now.
I'm enjoying my fiber crap.
But the water is scalding and I have passion fruit shampoo in my eyes.
Did you try adding some cold? There's a knob for that.
Okay, you know what? I've given up a lot to take care of you.
I think I deserve a shower you can't make spaghetti in.
I told you, I'll fix it.
- When? - When I'm ready.
You know what? I'm happy to No, no, no! No, no, no! [Chuckles.]
I live in a house with handymen and nothing works right.
- Stuff works fine.
- Yeah? Let me get you guys a fork.
Need a fork? I'm gonna get you a fork.
Well, you gotta hold the bottom, any idiot knows that.
Oh, there's the grapefruit spoon.
Fix.
The.
Shower.
When.
I'm.
Ready.
Hey, Stitch.
[Speaking Mandarin.]
Oh, that's awesome! You're speaking Chinese! Mandarin, you ignorant American dog.
Sorry, I meant to say that second part in Mandarin.
Okay, so, what made you choose Mandarin? It's the language of the future.
Oh, I thought that was klingon.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
It's a good thing that you're pretty.
Yeah, I'm giving the Valedictorian speech for my community-college graduation, so I figured it would be fun if I did it in the language that I learned.
Valedict you didn't even tell anybody you're graduating.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, there's like 12 people in my class.
Not a big deal? That's huge! If I would have ever graduated from the culinary institute or clown college or any of the other programs that I started, I would have made a huge deal out of it.
Did you just try to sneak clown college past me? I got really claustrophobic in those little cars.
No, my point is, this is a huge deal, all right? We need to make this day really special for you.
Aw! Can we have a unicycle and an endless rainbow handkerchief? Okay, I'm sorry I shared.
Your sister's graduation is coming up.
I want to get her something really nice.
What do you think she might like? I don't know.
Come on, you don't know what your sister might want? Oh! She wants an iPad.
No, you want an iPad.
I do, but in a pinch, I could always borrow the one you get her.
I'm serious.
I want to do something really memorable for her.
Well, I don't think she'd forget if you got her brother an iPad.
Please? Stop? Why do you care so much? You got a thing for my sister? [Chuckling.]
No! Oh, my God.
Are you serious right n no! You're silly.
You're being a silly bean.
Get down! What? What, what? It's Clarissa! The girl from the phone! She's got a basket.
Ooh, cookies! [Doorbell rings.]
Geez.
Sorry about that.
Kind of came out of nowhere there.
Um, is Darren working today? - Darren? - Yeah.
Oh, Darren! I know Darren.
Yeah, it's his day off.
Yeah, he'll be back tomorrow.
- Or never.
- Never? Never tomorrow, never ever ever.
So, but you can leave a message for him, or those cookies.
Okay, well, just tell him that Clarissa came by and that I hope he enjoys the cookies.
All right, we will.
We will.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Damn it, Jack! [Gasps.]
See? This is why I told you to park farther away from the job sites.
That van is like a freak magnet! - What did you do to her? - Nothing! We went out a few times, and she's been stalking me ever since.
She's everywhere, Jack my home, the grocery store, my dermatologist.
That is sacred ground, Jack.
- That is creepy.
- Crazy creepy! Honestly, you don't know how lucky you are not being attractive to women.
Seriously? You'll put in a whole new shower for some dolls but you can't fix one lousy knob on a real person's shower? Okay, first, there are no dolls.
This is a to-scale miniature replica of an alpine chalet that needs a major restoration.
Oh, really? Can I see? That's so cute.
- It's mine now.
- Terry, give it back.
No! Not until you fix the shower! Will you quit nagging me? Asking is not nagging.
Now you're nagging me about what nagging means.
- Yeah, I am, - Hey, cuz.
and I will keep on nagging till you fix the shower.
Geez, are they still going at it? Yep.
Whenever this happens, I just muffle my ears and try to start eating loud foods.
- Banana chip? - I'm good.
Should I try to talk to them? I wouldn't.
When they have one of these blowups, it's best to just stay out of the line of fire.
I need you to fix the shower.
I have hair.
[Laughs sarcastically .]
Hey, you want a shower? Get your own place and use your own shower.
Okay, how about that? It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Hey, Stitch.
It's not Clarissa.
It's just Jack.
I've not seen her in 24 hours.
She must be planning something big.
I had a plan for you today work.
I needed you at the Petersons.
That gazebo is not a one-man job.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't have helped much if I was there.
Stitch! Um, I wanted to get you a nice surprise for graduation, and I could not figure out anything, and your brother was very unhelpful.
IPad.
How much clearer can I be? Jack, I told you, it's not that big of a deal.
As long as my family is there, such as they are This isn't your whole family, though.
What about your mom? Is she coming? [Sighs.]
I really wish that she could, but Mom hasn't been around for a while, so Yeah, mom's kind of a crusader, you know? She's always running around, saving the world.
That's right, I remember.
She missed your sweet 16 'cause she was on a boat saving whales.
Or she was in Wales saving a boat? But she's always thinking about me.
She sends me these little gifts from wherever she goes.
Is there any way we can get in touch with her? Not without a dog sled.
She's in Greenland tracking ozone depletion.
There's a hole in the sky, Jack.
That's why you should wear sunscreen.
All right, come on.
There must be some way Jack, just drop it, okay? Stitch feels bad enough already.
[Bell jingles.]
Who is it?! It's an old guy.
Carrying a toilet seat.
That doesn't sound suspicious to you? Clarissa is not here! Get up! I can't keep living like this.
Last night, I was so freaked out, I actually slept at the house of the girl I slept with! I'm in spiritual disalignment, Jack.
All right, well, you realign yourself.
I'm gonna go paint a lopsided gazebo.
Hey! Did I just hear Darren?! Did you just hear Darren?! You said, Clarissa? [Clattering.]
Damn it! [Gasps.]
There he is! Hey, baby! Oh, my God, Darren.
Are you okay? Look, Clarissa, this has got to stop.
Look, I know I'm sexy.
You know I'm sexy.
I'm sexy.
But you need to stop following me everywhere.
[Scoffs.]
Okay.
I am so not following you.
This is a place of business.
I just came in here to get a few things.
Huh.
Rope and duct tape.
Why am I not surprised? You know, I am really glad that we ran into each other.
Do you want to go with me to the Mapleport dinner theater to see "Puppetry of the penis"? I'm sorry.
I can't.
It's my sister's graduation tomorrow, so Oh! That's so great! It's tonight.
Ahh.
Tonight? You know what? Friday nights are reserved for me and the J-Biscuit.
Aww, yeah.
Yeah.
I never miss going out raging with the D-Gravy.
Well, that's a bummer.
Another time.
[Chuckles.]
Aah! Okay, so what bar do you wanna go to? What am I talking about? You don't know any bars.
I'll pick one.
I'm not going out tonight.
I just told my stalker that we going out.
- We are going out.
- Why? Because I don't want that woman wearing my face, Jack! Oh, Tony! Why are you home so early? 'Cause it's my house, and I don't have to explain myself to you.
[Metal clanks.]
What the hell was that? Whatever it was, it sounds dangerous.
You should probably get out of here.
You didn't.
Carl! Tony, it's not what you think.
The hell it isn't! That's right.
I asked Carl to come over and fix it.
I asked him even though I knew it would kill you to see him here, with his hands all over your shower.
And guess what.
I'd ask him again.
[Scoffs.]
- I thought you were my friend.
- Tony, I - Get out.
- But [Clatter.]
So, you're saying in this day and age, there's no way of getting ahold of your mother? - Like like a satellite phone? - Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
I know.
I know.
You want me to drop it.
- Nah, I was just ordering.
- Here you go.
This is what we call a D-Bomb.
No, no, no, no.
And these two are for Mandy and Mandy's roommate.
[Laughs.]
Whoo! [Exhales sharply.]
It's hot and leathery.
That's right.
- Um, so your mom, can we - Dude.
Shut up.
Just open your mouth, and let it dance in your throat.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And my liver just cramped.
Hey, Tony.
[Pipe squeaks.]
What the hell do you think you're doing? Now it doesn't work at all.
Well, now you'll be forced to fix the shower.
You think I can't wait you out? I got nothing to be clean for.
Damn it.
Ridiculous Are you ready for this, you ready for this? And why don't we hang out more often? Because generally, you're a dork.
Ooh.
General Dork reporting for duty.
I have a great sense of humor about myself.
Mandy's roommate, can I kiss you? [Clears throat.]
I think the consensus is you spread enough Jack love on this side of the dance floor.
I think you should just go work the other side.
[Slurring.]
Great, 'cause I they haven't even seen my forward moonwalk yet.
R-ready for this, r-ready for this That's just walking.
They don't know that.
[Laughs.]
Hey, you ever seen a forward moonwalk? Oh my God.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! J-Biscuit! [Laughs.]
Is Darren here? Ohhh! You just missed him.
Oh, the rope and duct tape, yeah, no, no, no, that I was just fixing up an old windsurfing board to give to my nephew Elliot for his birthday.
That's really sweet.
I don't think you seem like a stalker at all.
- What? - You don't like soccer at all? 'Cause you're too busy windsurfing? And I like you, by the way.
You're nice.
- I don't know what Darren's problem is.
- I know! Things were going so great, and then I asked him if he wanted to go away for the weekend, and then he got all weird.
I think I know what's going on with him.
It's all good when it's about him.
But when you ask for anything in return, suddenly you're a psychopath.
- What? - Cycle path.
You know, we need a cycle path in this town for bicycles.
And I'm gonna do something about it.
Right now.
Um - Did you lose her? - Geez.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Darren, I know why you're so self-absorbed.
It's 'cause your mom wasn't around a lot when you were little, huh? And that hurt, so you decided you never wanted to be hurt again and decided to make it all about Darren.
Huh? Huh? You don't know what you talking about.
Struck a nerve.
Hey, I have Darren's phone.
Can you tell him I put my digits in? Oh, no, he won't call you because he's self-absorbed.
Do do you want my digits though? Yeah, put them in here.
- All right.
- [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Awesome.
Oh! This is Darren's phone.
[Laughing.]
Girls are dumb.
Oh, gosh, look at all these girls' numbers.
Mandy, Mandy's roommate, missy, misty, misty's roommate, Molly, mom, Monica, m mom? That liar.
All right.
I'm gonna call her right now.
Well, wait a second.
Jack, you're drunk.
You haven't had anything in your tummy today.
Let's just think about this.
Both: Mom! I'll never forget what you've done for me, Jack.
Sex with you is no longer out of the question.
And thank you Jack.
Thank you for fixing me.
I'm finally capable of love.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
Mrs.
Bichette? Oh, that's not a good idea.
Good morning, sunshine! Volume.
What are you doing here? Carried you home when you passed out, then I crashed on your sofa.
You carried me home? Yeah, 'cause I was the sober one.
And FYI, you could lose a few.
What do you mean you were the sober one? I don't drink.
Since when do you not drink? Since never.
It dulls the senses, and people draw mustaches on you.
Huh? Nothing.
Oh, I need to call Mandy.
Didn't get a chance to swing by and tuck her in last night.
Morning, Darren, Yosemite Sam.
[Groans.]
What are you doing here? Taking a shower.
I smell like foot.
Cats keep following me around.
You're gonna take a shower in that? Yep.
You better not be using that shower, Tony.
Yeah? Watch me.
Not one word.
You're running out of options, Tony.
You'd better fix it.
What's this? What the hell is this? Who called my mom? Oh, I think I did.
Oh, yeah.
She's coming to the graduation.
I got Stitch to pick her up at the bus stop at 1:00.
Are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You had your mom's phone number in that phone this whole time, and you didn't tell me.
Man, I get it.
You have some problems with your mom.
But you can't just suck it up for one day to make Stitch happy? You don't know anything about our mom.
Man, I know what Stitch tells me.
She says she's this great lady that does all this good I made that up! What? I made it all up.
My mom is no do-gooder.
She works at a dry cleaner in Bensonwood.
If she wanted anything to do with us, she wouldn't need you to call her.
She said she's coming.
Yeah, I'm sure she did.
I'm so [sighs.]
Jack, just keep your damned nose out of my family's business.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, for God's sake.
[Sighs.]
I am so tired of this, Tony.
Whoa, whoa, what what are you doing? So help me, I will break your fish.
Yeah? I will smash whatever the hell this is.
- Try me! - Try me.
All right! Knock it off! This ends now.
I've made a horrible mistake.
I need your help.
- But first, dad, you need to fix the shower.
- Can't do it.
It's not for me.
It's not for her.
It's for Stitch.
We need to clean ourselves up and get to her graduation.
Fix the shower.
[Clicks tongue.]
Can't do it.
Why not? Because I cannot do it.
- Okay? I tried every night this week.
- [Vase thuds.]
I've replaced every nut, washer, gasket, the regulator, every pipe.
I can't fix it.
It is a demon shower sent straight from hell to torment me and your aunt.
Well, did you try turning the Yeah, I tried everything! I can't fix it! Why didn't you tell me? Aw, now you're hugging me.
Ooh! This this this, uh this love.
Let's let's get this love, let's put it in the car, take it to the graduation.
Let's crack a window because we smell like a landfill.
Mom couldn't make it, but she sends her love.
And this.
Stop it, Darren.
This did not come overnight from India.
Sure it did.
The Indian postal system is the envy of the world.
You know, all these years I kind of knew it was you.
I just didn't want to believe it.
I'm sorry I lied to you, Stitch.
I was just trying to protect you.
No, I lied to myself.
But I am really grateful for the mom that you gave me.
I just wanted you to have a family.
We're going to this graduation or what? You're all coming? Of course we are! What's family for? You guys! All: Speech, speech, speech! I already gave one, you guys.
Now I just want to get drunk.
All: Drink, drink, drink.
[All cheer.]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah.
[Sighs.]
I am so sorry about the whole mom thing.
I It's okay.
It's okay.
I had to deal with that sometime.
Oh.
And, Jack, thanks.
It means a lot that you tried.
Hey man! Your pops reeks of garbage! Yeah, you're gonna want to stay upwind from him.
Look, uh, I owe you an apology, too.
You are not self-absorbed.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
And let that teach you a lesson about making assumptions.
Oh, here.
It's my credit card.
Yeah, you kind of maxed it out at the bar.
You know, D-Bombs don't come cheap.
Hey Darren! Oh, my gosh! Am I really that scary? Okay.
I overreacted.
You're a really nice person, and I should have never called you a stalker.
Maybe we can start again? I'd like that.
And I promise you I am not crazy.
I know.
[Both laugh.]
Come here.
[electricity crackles.]