Fantasmas (2024) s01e05 Episode Script
The Little Ones
1
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
No one will biopsy my mole,
so I need to upload
myself so I don't die,
but even they require
Proof of Existence,
which I don't want to get,
so instead, I have to become
an exception by being famous.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hey, how are you?
Okay, so I have an idea
that I'm sure will make me an exception.
Do you wanna hear it?
- I'm in a meeting.
- Okay.
A couple of years ago,
during a really harsh winter,
a dolphin got stuck in a
canal in South Brooklyn.
Uh-huh.
It got trapped and
everyone could see it.
But the environmental
laws meant to protect it
stated that no one could help
it without the proper permit.
Long story short, it ended up dying.
And, well, I guess that's where this fun
family movie would end.
What do you think?
Hello? Hello?
Hello, are you there? Do you like it?
What do you think?
What about something about your story?
That's my story through metaphor.
No, babe, no metaphors.
Just big, sad speeches.
Call it Gaytino.
Vanesja, Gaytinx.
Listen, do the credit card commercial,
get what you need out
of it, and move on.
- Okay.
- [BELL RINGING]
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
Roll playback on beach.
[SOFT FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
And action.
Julio. Hi.
So imagine you're on the
beach and you're happy.
On the beach and you're happy.
Jesus.
His mouth is so tense.
And it's like, you know, I don't get it.
Does he not love credit cards?
It's a safe and convenient
way to earn miles.
I mean, that's the
brief. It's not okay.
[EXHALES]
Julio, can we get a smile?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Less teeth. Like, uh
Okay, can you bring in the green tape?
Amazing. Thank you.
Hi again. Um, do you
Perfect.
Yes. That. No, it's like, joy.
Julio, your eyes are so, so fantastic
and energized and expressive.
You know, we just wanna
green screen something
that'll match that energy.
From the top.
You are on the beach
and you are very happy.
Hold it a little higher.
Yes, great.
Like you're almost surprised.
Like money.
Stunning.
Great.
Incredible.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah, hi, Pirulinpinpina.
I ooh, wasn't
expecting you to be slimy.
Okay, I wanted to talk
to you about this post
that you made on my behalf.
Sure.
It's a picture of me
sleeping and it says,
"Let's get this mondais right."
It was posted Wednesday at 3:00 a.m.
Okay, I guess I just don't understand
what the point of that picture is.
Did you just post this?
"Many apologies for earlier mispost.
A grave error on my
part, as eyes were closed.
Please forgive.
Let's get this Monday right.
It's Friday, eight twenty too pm."
Pirulinpinpina, this
doesn't sound like me at all.
Pirulinpinpina?
I'm not using tone with you.
Don't use tone with her.
I wasn't. I wasn't using tone. Jesus.
Vanesja, are you sure
this is gonna make me
an exception to Proof?
I'm not sure about this,
but I have high hopes
for the commercial.
[RINGTONE MELODY PLAYS] Hold on.
Another client needs me.
Hello, my dark star.
I have some big, bad news.
The poster for "Cunty
Little Rich Kids" came out.
They went with the
picture you don't like,
and the airline mishandled your luggage,
so you'll have to wear
something of mine.
Oh.
Wow.
Red suits you.
Yeah, everything suits me.
Dustin, what's going on in
that little head of yours?
I don't know.
Share.
I just feel like the
world is so fucked up.
I've been on this show for,
like, 15 fucking seasons
and, yeah, I make a
shit-ton of money, right?
And I've got a house
in Bali, PlayStation.
It all kicks ass.
But like, for what?
You want another PlayStation?
Yeah, if we could get that
going, that'd be no, no, no.
Damn it.
I took the subway yesterday.
Dustin, why?
'Cause I don't wanna be in a car.
I wanna be out in the world.
I wanna be living and experiencing.
Anyway, the train was,
like, super delayed,
and I started talking
to this homeless man.
I said, hey, what's your name?
I'm Dustin.
And he said he had to take a shit,
and he said he couldn't,
and I asked him why.
And he told me that he'd
have to exit the station
in order to do that.
And re-entering, he'd have
to pay money, and he can't.
And, like, in that moment, I like,
went into my, like, empathic trance.
And so I was just in his shoes
[IMITATES WHOOSH]
Seeing his perspective.
It was like [TRILLING TONGUE]
You know. And, like, I saw it.
I saw it from his point of view.
The world's not fucking fair.
And that's just one dude.
There's so many like him.
And what am I doing?
I should help.
'Cause why else
why else am I an artist
if not to make the world a better place?
We can use this.
We can do an interview
with "Teen Vogue."
"Teen Vogue." I'm fucking 39 years old!
The fuck.
Don't share that.
You don't even get it.
You're just a suit.
Big, corporate, powerful suit lady.
You don't care about
the problems of people.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
The next L train will
arrive in 178 minutes.
Fuck my life.
I hate New York.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
It's my roommate. Don't look.
Oh, like, one of the little ones?
Yeah.
Vibes bad?
Oh, my God.
I didn't tell you what happened.
Mm-mm.
Okay, so at first,
things were pretty chill, right?
Yeah.
When she moved in, she
said she had some cousins
that were gonna come.
Not cousins.
Nothing's ever good
when they bring cousins.
- And could they stay with us?
- Ew.
And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever.
I mean, you're so
tiny. Who cares, right?
Right.
So they come, and
there's like nine of them.
Again, no big deal.
Right, 'cause they're so small.
Right. And I don't know, I figured
they're gonna go see
the Statue of Liberty,
- be out and about, whatever.
- Sure.
But then one night they're like, hey,
what should we do tomorrow?
And I'm like, have you
ever been to the Met?
And they're like
- Wait, what?
- I don't know, they're like,
strangely Christian, like, evangelist.
I don't know, whatever.
It's annoying, but I
figure they'll go soon.
Oh, also, they're obsessed with pizza?
What, do they, like, eat your pizza?
Not like that, no.
It's like I bring pizza home,
and they run out with little cameras
and take pictures of the pizza.
That's horrifying.
Anyway, later,
Pirulinpinpina's like,
hey, can they move in?
- No.
- Yeah.
She's so freaking tacky.
And I'm like, what? Right?
And she's like
So I'm kind of like,
yeah, okay, whatever.
But what I didn't know is
that they, uh, multiply.
Do they, like, reproduce?
It's not a sex thing.
It's just like, more of them arrive.
So anyway, now there's,
like, 50 of them.
- 50?
- Yeah.
There's 50?
And some of them are gay.
Living for that.
Yeah, it's, like,
impossible to get on Grindr
because the whole grid is little ones.
Anyway, one night I'm doing
my go-go shift at Metro.
[POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
And I see the cutie from the gym.
Ooh, the one with the big lips?
- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.
Mm-hmm. And I'm making eyes at him.
He's making eyes at me.
We're, like, vibing, right?
Mm-hmm.
So I invite him home.
[SOFT OMINOUS MUSIC]
Can I get you anything?
I'm starving.
We should have grabbed some pizza.
Who are these?
These are the little
ones. They're my roommates.
Uh, they're from Wisconsin.
They love pizza.
Guys, come on. I got company.
- TV!
- Oh, shit.
You guys watch "True Women of New York"?
Guys, come on.
So at this point, we're
having, like, a little party,
like drinks, whatever.
So I decided to take this
time to go and douche.
- Douche for that guy?
- Yeah.
Okay, not the vibes I
was getting, but work.
So anyway, I'm in the
bathroom for a while,
and the party's still going on
outside, so it's no big deal.
But then I hear the party
stop, so I go outside.
Diego?
[LAUGHING]
Diego?
Oh, I see.
Mm. Pizza.
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
I walk into the master bedroom.
Diego?
Were they, like
Hey.
I don't even wanna tell you,
but he's like, come here.
What did you say?
I'm good.
I'm gonna be in the living room.
Call them out on their bullshit.
Yeah, okay. You're right.
Did you say, hey, don't
fuck the guys I bring home?
Yeah.
So what did you say?
Pizza, pizza.
No. No.
Look, I feel like some of you think
that because we share a space
that maybe I'm down to share everything.
And I guess normally that's true.
It's just that I I don't know.
It hurts my feelings to feel so
invisible among you sometimes.
And I don't want the vibe to be toxic.
And, you know, I don't
want you guys to feel like
it isn't your safe space,
because it's also my safe space,
and I wanna be able to share,
but I can't share everything.
I don't know. I hope that makes sense.
Are we good?
Babe.
Wait, did you guys get tickets?
Can I still get some?
Oh, Jesus.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Hey.
Yeah, I know. Let's take a cab.
- Come on.
- Bye, Diego.
Next up, Gina and Bibo.
And you'll do a scene
from "Marriage Story."
"Marriage Story," yes.
- Could I get a minute?
- Yeah, take your time.
Okay.
Your hair is fine, Gina.
[SIGHS]
You always hated me.
That's not true, dot, dot, dot.
That was never true, dot.
What are you talking
about, question mark.
You are my wife, dot.
Okay, let's stop.
I'm sorry, did you have a note?
Um.
What's the feedback?
I just see robot.
I see a robot pretending
to love this woman.
And because you are
giving nothing but robot,
you are forcing her to overact.
Is everything okay?
[WHIRRING]
- See you later, Bibo.
- Bibo.
Bibo.
Do you know about the dress?
The 2017 viral image featuring a dress
that was blue and black to some,
- white and gold to others.
- Yes.
The dress isn't one thing
and then another thing.
The dress can be more
than one thing at once.
You can be a robot and an actor.
Maybe just use your robotness to be
an actor.
It's grown. It's definitely grown.
I bet WebMD is gonna
be really comforting.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
Oh, what is this?
Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
I bet I'm gonna have
this online doctor's
undivided attention.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪
[PHONE CHIMES]
[GROANS] What is it?
Fuck.
♪
Um, it looks fine.
Hey, lady, you can't be doing that here.
Get up. Come on.
- Gotta get up.
- No.
[SIGHS] Fuck.
I pressed the wrong thing.
Whatever. It's just a biopsy.
♪
Oh, Jesus, a scalpel.
Okay, it's gonna hurt.
Please, I'm working on
getting an exception for Proof,
but I don't know that
I have a lot of time.
My doctor's actually worried,
and he ordered a biopsy.
Well, not the doctor,
but the person on the app
who I think are technically
doctors, and I, um
[SOFT WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
What's that sound?
♪
What's this?
This shipwreck on a reef
encrusted with little oysters?
[SOFT CHIMES]
It's missing an oyster.
Yeah, it's an old family heirloom.
Priceless, but worthless
without that missing piece.
I think I know where it is.
If I bring it to you, do you
think you could upload me?
We could pay off Dad's
bills with that money.
- All of them?
- Yeah.
♪
Fine.
You bring the oyster,
you don't need the Proof.
Great. How hard can it be?
To find a tiny mini
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Tabitha, those books are forbidden.
- Hey, slut.
- Not this green wig.
It's not a wig. It's natural.
I'm dead. You're an icon and I love you.
Mwah, mwah.
Meet my friends. Meet my friends.
It's Tyler, Ryan, Ryan, and Jason.
Do you want a drink, babe?
Yeah. You know what I like.
Okey dokey.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Unlock the power of natural
Ugh, someone made a
fake profile of me again.
Well, that's how you
know that you've made it.
That happens to me all the time.
Oh, are you, like,
an actor or something?
I'm like an actor, yeah.
Yeah, Trish is a whole thing.
What have you been in?
"That Time We Were There" on Amazon,
"Summer's Only Once a Year" on Netflix,
"The Tooth Fairy" remake on Zappos.
- Lots of stuff.
- I'll have to check it out.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hi, Emily. Luis here.
Here's the fan art you commissioned.
Always available if you want more.
Thanks, Luis.
Kindly, Emily, manager
and publicist for Trish.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Trish's number one fan here.
Check out this piece I
made in honor of my muse.
And I admire that
because it's a lifestyle.
Wow.
Always so surprised
and honored by my fans.
My life is so crazy.
I can't believe I inspire
real fans unprompted
to make fan art of me.
Oh, my God, Trish, the
thing you just reposted.
Let me see.
"The Glenda we all deserve."
Shots fired.
- Who made that?
- @TrishFanboy.
Trish is so famous,
she has fan accounts.
Well, diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Yeah, if they're real. [LAUGHTER]
She's so stupid.
Yeah, she's stupid.
Ugh, I wanna go there.
That's my dream place.
I've been there.
- Gay icon.
- Gagging for my queen.
Slay.
Oh, my God, Trish is so iconic.
Honey, the queen has arrived.
Hey, @TrishFanboy, this is Luis.
I was commissioned by Trish's team
to make this art for a charity.
Please tag me whenever you repost.
Thanks.
♪
Hi, Luis, Emily again.
You are not allowed to
promote your services
using the work we commissioned from you.
Those were for charity.
Unfortunately, we will not be able
to compensate you for this piece.
I can't think about this right now.
I've got a lunch tomorrow
with some of the city's
biggest movers and shakers.
Last night I was thinking
What charity?
They're only posted by
some random fan account.
Wait, is she the fan account?
To eavesdrop on personal,
private conversation
between friends.
Wait, so she paid for her own fan art?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yeah, and I have receipts.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Bitch.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God.
OMG, Trish, you missed it.
Rewind for Trish.
Hey, rewind it.
Derrick, it's live.
[PHONE CHIMES]
You can keep blocking me,
but I'll just keep making new accounts.
[LAUGHS]
Have you guys ever
had an online stalker?
Is someone stalking you?
Oh, no, not me. I'm
helping a friend out.
He has this, like, crazy guy that
keeps making fake accounts.
Some homophobic psycho.
That's so nice of you to help him out.
I mean, he could just
make his account private.
No, he wants to be seen.
How do you get them to
stop making new accounts?
I don't think you can.
It's so toxic.
Wait, is she blocking people now?
Hey, Luis, DM me.
I knew it. This girl isn't even famous.
Is she serious?
This is actually
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
Hey, Derrick, can I
talk to you for a second?
Sure.
BRB.
Let me know what happens.
You okay? What's up?
I need you to help me block
someone, like, permanently.
This is for your friend?
Yeah, I need you to ask Jeremy.
- Jeremy?
- Your fucking boyfriend?
- He works at Facebook now.
- Uh-huh.
I need him to block them.
They keep making accounts.
I need to block them from, like,
their IP address or something.
I don't fucking know.
What is this about?
- I'm this.
- Uh-huh.
No, listen, I'm the fan account.
- You drew this?
- No.
- My manager commissioned it.
- Why?
She fucked up.
She found this guy on I don't know where
to make a fan art of
me for the fan account.
So this fan account is run by you?
Everyone does it. Everyone does.
I'm iconic. Look at
me. I'm a whole thing.
But this is not a real fan.
But the art inspires a lot of people.
To make art of you?
Yes, but now the artist
is telling people.
Now people know.
But not if we permanently block him.
- Who made this?
- Some kid.
I don't know. Emily found him.
- Emily?
- My fucking manager.
She keeps doing this.
She's obsessed.
She wants to "Single White Female" me.
Emily what?
What if all the gays turn on me?
- Emily what?
- What?
What is your manager's last name?
Oh. Trish.
And the Red Nose Day issue?
The GoFundMe for that kid? [LAUGHS]
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
No one is posting fake photos of you.
No one's catfishing as you.
Baby, are you on crack?
What is wrong with
you? You're not famous.
You're paying people
to make fan art of you.
I'm dead. I'm literally freaking dead.
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
I'm iconic.
I'm I'm iconic.
Iconic.
Everyone's obsessed with me.
Everyone's obsessed because I'm iconic.
Thanks.
The next L train will
arrive in 248 minutes.
Hey, I'm worried about
Derrick's drinking.
He was really sloppy when I left.
He could have really hurt himself.
[WHIRRING]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Martine.
Martine!
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
God, you didn't hear me?
I was just calling your
name, like, three times.
What gosh. Oh.
Are you still in performance?
What was it? Um Vanessa, right?
Vanesja with a J. Like the hotels.
Sure. Right. Gosh.
You took my course years ago.
You know, I was so riveted when I heard
you were so committed to your thesis.
But some people are like,
oh, yeah, no, I don't think
she's in performance anymore.
I think she's genuinely an agent.
But that's not true, is it?
Huh.
You're not prolonging
your performance piece
'cause you're scared of
graduating with an arts degree
and not having money or insurance
or qualifying for Proof
of Existence, right?
I mean, you're not having your cake
and eating it too, are you?
- I have to go.
- Sure.
Yeah, I have a very
important cli client.
- Client.
- Waiting.
Sure.
[CLAPS] Very nice.
You know, Vanesja, like the hotels,
the job of the artist is to make people
see things in a different way.
How does this performance
change anything?
Just something for you
to go home and munch on.
All right?
I'm not gonna wait for the bus anymore.
I think I'm gonna walk.
You can't even walk in
those shoes, can you?
You're weak. You're weak.
Excuse me.
[SOFT PENSIVE MUSIC]
I should help.
Why else am I an artist
if not to make the world a better place?
♪
Hey, babe?
Hey. Hi.
Sorry, I'm I'm sort of
in the middle of something.
I I finally got a biopsy,
and the, uh, the the
doctor seems kind of worried.
Aw, listen, I think
we're gonna have to find
another way to get you an exception.
Wait, why?
Well, it's just, you look
amazing in the photo,
but, um
it's just not your face.
So I think our only option
now is to pitch Zappos
that idea of yours.
You know, the how I
[LAUGHS] No, no. There is no way.
I will not be selling out. Thank you.
Hello.
I hear you have an
idea for a show for us.
I do, and I am very excited
to be sharing it with you today.
Okay, so remakes are
very in right now, right?
Right, right, right.
Okay, give it to me.
Feed me. Feed Susana.
Okay, so how about a
remake of "The Lion King"?
Uh, this remake stars a zebra,
just, like, a random zebra
that otherwise would be considered
an extra in the movie.
But this zebra is like, wait,
why are lions our leaders?
Who elected them the leaders?
Why do we have to bow down
to them and get eaten by them?
So then the zebra leads the revolution,
but then the zebra does
end up getting eaten.
But as the zebra lays dying,
looking up into the heavens
with, like, maybe, like,
the sun reflected on his eye
and thinking, well, you
know, at least I tried.
Ugh! Cut the bullshit.
- Hmm?
- Huh?
Cut the bullshit.
You know what we want,
and we know what you want.
You need a little piece of
paper that says you don't need
another little piece of paper.
If you don't sell a show,
you don't get exception
from Proof of Existence,
and you don't get to upload yourself.
That's right.
I got your medical records.
Zappos level intel.
I know you're expecting
bad news, and selling a show
is the only way to become incorporeal,
given that your little oyster
is at the bottom of the sea.
So let's quit playing games, huh?
Grow up. Give us what we want.
Give us your trauma.
Give it to us funny.
Give it to us en espanol, por favor.
Okay, well, I do have an
idea in case of emergency.
Mm-hmm. Yes?
I was hoping I would never have to use.
Mm-hmm. Say it.
[TENSE MUSIC]
It's a script titled
Well, say it.
[LAUGHS]
That's a show.
[LAUGHING]
Okay.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
No one will biopsy my mole,
so I need to upload
myself so I don't die,
but even they require
Proof of Existence,
which I don't want to get,
so instead, I have to become
an exception by being famous.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hey, how are you?
Okay, so I have an idea
that I'm sure will make me an exception.
Do you wanna hear it?
- I'm in a meeting.
- Okay.
A couple of years ago,
during a really harsh winter,
a dolphin got stuck in a
canal in South Brooklyn.
Uh-huh.
It got trapped and
everyone could see it.
But the environmental
laws meant to protect it
stated that no one could help
it without the proper permit.
Long story short, it ended up dying.
And, well, I guess that's where this fun
family movie would end.
What do you think?
Hello? Hello?
Hello, are you there? Do you like it?
What do you think?
What about something about your story?
That's my story through metaphor.
No, babe, no metaphors.
Just big, sad speeches.
Call it Gaytino.
Vanesja, Gaytinx.
Listen, do the credit card commercial,
get what you need out
of it, and move on.
- Okay.
- [BELL RINGING]
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
Roll playback on beach.
[SOFT FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
And action.
Julio. Hi.
So imagine you're on the
beach and you're happy.
On the beach and you're happy.
Jesus.
His mouth is so tense.
And it's like, you know, I don't get it.
Does he not love credit cards?
It's a safe and convenient
way to earn miles.
I mean, that's the
brief. It's not okay.
[EXHALES]
Julio, can we get a smile?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Less teeth. Like, uh
Okay, can you bring in the green tape?
Amazing. Thank you.
Hi again. Um, do you
Perfect.
Yes. That. No, it's like, joy.
Julio, your eyes are so, so fantastic
and energized and expressive.
You know, we just wanna
green screen something
that'll match that energy.
From the top.
You are on the beach
and you are very happy.
Hold it a little higher.
Yes, great.
Like you're almost surprised.
Like money.
Stunning.
Great.
Incredible.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah, hi, Pirulinpinpina.
I ooh, wasn't
expecting you to be slimy.
Okay, I wanted to talk
to you about this post
that you made on my behalf.
Sure.
It's a picture of me
sleeping and it says,
"Let's get this mondais right."
It was posted Wednesday at 3:00 a.m.
Okay, I guess I just don't understand
what the point of that picture is.
Did you just post this?
"Many apologies for earlier mispost.
A grave error on my
part, as eyes were closed.
Please forgive.
Let's get this Monday right.
It's Friday, eight twenty too pm."
Pirulinpinpina, this
doesn't sound like me at all.
Pirulinpinpina?
I'm not using tone with you.
Don't use tone with her.
I wasn't. I wasn't using tone. Jesus.
Vanesja, are you sure
this is gonna make me
an exception to Proof?
I'm not sure about this,
but I have high hopes
for the commercial.
[RINGTONE MELODY PLAYS] Hold on.
Another client needs me.
Hello, my dark star.
I have some big, bad news.
The poster for "Cunty
Little Rich Kids" came out.
They went with the
picture you don't like,
and the airline mishandled your luggage,
so you'll have to wear
something of mine.
Oh.
Wow.
Red suits you.
Yeah, everything suits me.
Dustin, what's going on in
that little head of yours?
I don't know.
Share.
I just feel like the
world is so fucked up.
I've been on this show for,
like, 15 fucking seasons
and, yeah, I make a
shit-ton of money, right?
And I've got a house
in Bali, PlayStation.
It all kicks ass.
But like, for what?
You want another PlayStation?
Yeah, if we could get that
going, that'd be no, no, no.
Damn it.
I took the subway yesterday.
Dustin, why?
'Cause I don't wanna be in a car.
I wanna be out in the world.
I wanna be living and experiencing.
Anyway, the train was,
like, super delayed,
and I started talking
to this homeless man.
I said, hey, what's your name?
I'm Dustin.
And he said he had to take a shit,
and he said he couldn't,
and I asked him why.
And he told me that he'd
have to exit the station
in order to do that.
And re-entering, he'd have
to pay money, and he can't.
And, like, in that moment, I like,
went into my, like, empathic trance.
And so I was just in his shoes
[IMITATES WHOOSH]
Seeing his perspective.
It was like [TRILLING TONGUE]
You know. And, like, I saw it.
I saw it from his point of view.
The world's not fucking fair.
And that's just one dude.
There's so many like him.
And what am I doing?
I should help.
'Cause why else
why else am I an artist
if not to make the world a better place?
We can use this.
We can do an interview
with "Teen Vogue."
"Teen Vogue." I'm fucking 39 years old!
The fuck.
Don't share that.
You don't even get it.
You're just a suit.
Big, corporate, powerful suit lady.
You don't care about
the problems of people.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
The next L train will
arrive in 178 minutes.
Fuck my life.
I hate New York.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
It's my roommate. Don't look.
Oh, like, one of the little ones?
Yeah.
Vibes bad?
Oh, my God.
I didn't tell you what happened.
Mm-mm.
Okay, so at first,
things were pretty chill, right?
Yeah.
When she moved in, she
said she had some cousins
that were gonna come.
Not cousins.
Nothing's ever good
when they bring cousins.
- And could they stay with us?
- Ew.
And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever.
I mean, you're so
tiny. Who cares, right?
Right.
So they come, and
there's like nine of them.
Again, no big deal.
Right, 'cause they're so small.
Right. And I don't know, I figured
they're gonna go see
the Statue of Liberty,
- be out and about, whatever.
- Sure.
But then one night they're like, hey,
what should we do tomorrow?
And I'm like, have you
ever been to the Met?
And they're like
- Wait, what?
- I don't know, they're like,
strangely Christian, like, evangelist.
I don't know, whatever.
It's annoying, but I
figure they'll go soon.
Oh, also, they're obsessed with pizza?
What, do they, like, eat your pizza?
Not like that, no.
It's like I bring pizza home,
and they run out with little cameras
and take pictures of the pizza.
That's horrifying.
Anyway, later,
Pirulinpinpina's like,
hey, can they move in?
- No.
- Yeah.
She's so freaking tacky.
And I'm like, what? Right?
And she's like
So I'm kind of like,
yeah, okay, whatever.
But what I didn't know is
that they, uh, multiply.
Do they, like, reproduce?
It's not a sex thing.
It's just like, more of them arrive.
So anyway, now there's,
like, 50 of them.
- 50?
- Yeah.
There's 50?
And some of them are gay.
Living for that.
Yeah, it's, like,
impossible to get on Grindr
because the whole grid is little ones.
Anyway, one night I'm doing
my go-go shift at Metro.
[POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
And I see the cutie from the gym.
Ooh, the one with the big lips?
- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.
Mm-hmm. And I'm making eyes at him.
He's making eyes at me.
We're, like, vibing, right?
Mm-hmm.
So I invite him home.
[SOFT OMINOUS MUSIC]
Can I get you anything?
I'm starving.
We should have grabbed some pizza.
Who are these?
These are the little
ones. They're my roommates.
Uh, they're from Wisconsin.
They love pizza.
Guys, come on. I got company.
- TV!
- Oh, shit.
You guys watch "True Women of New York"?
Guys, come on.
So at this point, we're
having, like, a little party,
like drinks, whatever.
So I decided to take this
time to go and douche.
- Douche for that guy?
- Yeah.
Okay, not the vibes I
was getting, but work.
So anyway, I'm in the
bathroom for a while,
and the party's still going on
outside, so it's no big deal.
But then I hear the party
stop, so I go outside.
Diego?
[LAUGHING]
Diego?
Oh, I see.
Mm. Pizza.
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
I walk into the master bedroom.
Diego?
Were they, like
Hey.
I don't even wanna tell you,
but he's like, come here.
What did you say?
I'm good.
I'm gonna be in the living room.
Call them out on their bullshit.
Yeah, okay. You're right.
Did you say, hey, don't
fuck the guys I bring home?
Yeah.
So what did you say?
Pizza, pizza.
No. No.
Look, I feel like some of you think
that because we share a space
that maybe I'm down to share everything.
And I guess normally that's true.
It's just that I I don't know.
It hurts my feelings to feel so
invisible among you sometimes.
And I don't want the vibe to be toxic.
And, you know, I don't
want you guys to feel like
it isn't your safe space,
because it's also my safe space,
and I wanna be able to share,
but I can't share everything.
I don't know. I hope that makes sense.
Are we good?
Babe.
Wait, did you guys get tickets?
Can I still get some?
Oh, Jesus.
Hey.
Hey, man.
Hey.
Yeah, I know. Let's take a cab.
- Come on.
- Bye, Diego.
Next up, Gina and Bibo.
And you'll do a scene
from "Marriage Story."
"Marriage Story," yes.
- Could I get a minute?
- Yeah, take your time.
Okay.
Your hair is fine, Gina.
[SIGHS]
You always hated me.
That's not true, dot, dot, dot.
That was never true, dot.
What are you talking
about, question mark.
You are my wife, dot.
Okay, let's stop.
I'm sorry, did you have a note?
Um.
What's the feedback?
I just see robot.
I see a robot pretending
to love this woman.
And because you are
giving nothing but robot,
you are forcing her to overact.
Is everything okay?
[WHIRRING]
- See you later, Bibo.
- Bibo.
Bibo.
Do you know about the dress?
The 2017 viral image featuring a dress
that was blue and black to some,
- white and gold to others.
- Yes.
The dress isn't one thing
and then another thing.
The dress can be more
than one thing at once.
You can be a robot and an actor.
Maybe just use your robotness to be
an actor.
It's grown. It's definitely grown.
I bet WebMD is gonna
be really comforting.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
Oh, what is this?
Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
I bet I'm gonna have
this online doctor's
undivided attention.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪
[PHONE CHIMES]
[GROANS] What is it?
Fuck.
♪
Um, it looks fine.
Hey, lady, you can't be doing that here.
Get up. Come on.
- Gotta get up.
- No.
[SIGHS] Fuck.
I pressed the wrong thing.
Whatever. It's just a biopsy.
♪
Oh, Jesus, a scalpel.
Okay, it's gonna hurt.
Please, I'm working on
getting an exception for Proof,
but I don't know that
I have a lot of time.
My doctor's actually worried,
and he ordered a biopsy.
Well, not the doctor,
but the person on the app
who I think are technically
doctors, and I, um
[SOFT WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
What's that sound?
♪
What's this?
This shipwreck on a reef
encrusted with little oysters?
[SOFT CHIMES]
It's missing an oyster.
Yeah, it's an old family heirloom.
Priceless, but worthless
without that missing piece.
I think I know where it is.
If I bring it to you, do you
think you could upload me?
We could pay off Dad's
bills with that money.
- All of them?
- Yeah.
♪
Fine.
You bring the oyster,
you don't need the Proof.
Great. How hard can it be?
To find a tiny mini
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Tabitha, those books are forbidden.
- Hey, slut.
- Not this green wig.
It's not a wig. It's natural.
I'm dead. You're an icon and I love you.
Mwah, mwah.
Meet my friends. Meet my friends.
It's Tyler, Ryan, Ryan, and Jason.
Do you want a drink, babe?
Yeah. You know what I like.
Okey dokey.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Unlock the power of natural
Ugh, someone made a
fake profile of me again.
Well, that's how you
know that you've made it.
That happens to me all the time.
Oh, are you, like,
an actor or something?
I'm like an actor, yeah.
Yeah, Trish is a whole thing.
What have you been in?
"That Time We Were There" on Amazon,
"Summer's Only Once a Year" on Netflix,
"The Tooth Fairy" remake on Zappos.
- Lots of stuff.
- I'll have to check it out.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hi, Emily. Luis here.
Here's the fan art you commissioned.
Always available if you want more.
Thanks, Luis.
Kindly, Emily, manager
and publicist for Trish.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Trish's number one fan here.
Check out this piece I
made in honor of my muse.
And I admire that
because it's a lifestyle.
Wow.
Always so surprised
and honored by my fans.
My life is so crazy.
I can't believe I inspire
real fans unprompted
to make fan art of me.
Oh, my God, Trish, the
thing you just reposted.
Let me see.
"The Glenda we all deserve."
Shots fired.
- Who made that?
- @TrishFanboy.
Trish is so famous,
she has fan accounts.
Well, diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Yeah, if they're real. [LAUGHTER]
She's so stupid.
Yeah, she's stupid.
Ugh, I wanna go there.
That's my dream place.
I've been there.
- Gay icon.
- Gagging for my queen.
Slay.
Oh, my God, Trish is so iconic.
Honey, the queen has arrived.
Hey, @TrishFanboy, this is Luis.
I was commissioned by Trish's team
to make this art for a charity.
Please tag me whenever you repost.
Thanks.
♪
Hi, Luis, Emily again.
You are not allowed to
promote your services
using the work we commissioned from you.
Those were for charity.
Unfortunately, we will not be able
to compensate you for this piece.
I can't think about this right now.
I've got a lunch tomorrow
with some of the city's
biggest movers and shakers.
Last night I was thinking
What charity?
They're only posted by
some random fan account.
Wait, is she the fan account?
To eavesdrop on personal,
private conversation
between friends.
Wait, so she paid for her own fan art?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yeah, and I have receipts.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Bitch.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God.
OMG, Trish, you missed it.
Rewind for Trish.
Hey, rewind it.
Derrick, it's live.
[PHONE CHIMES]
You can keep blocking me,
but I'll just keep making new accounts.
[LAUGHS]
Have you guys ever
had an online stalker?
Is someone stalking you?
Oh, no, not me. I'm
helping a friend out.
He has this, like, crazy guy that
keeps making fake accounts.
Some homophobic psycho.
That's so nice of you to help him out.
I mean, he could just
make his account private.
No, he wants to be seen.
How do you get them to
stop making new accounts?
I don't think you can.
It's so toxic.
Wait, is she blocking people now?
Hey, Luis, DM me.
I knew it. This girl isn't even famous.
Is she serious?
This is actually
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
Hey, Derrick, can I
talk to you for a second?
Sure.
BRB.
Let me know what happens.
You okay? What's up?
I need you to help me block
someone, like, permanently.
This is for your friend?
Yeah, I need you to ask Jeremy.
- Jeremy?
- Your fucking boyfriend?
- He works at Facebook now.
- Uh-huh.
I need him to block them.
They keep making accounts.
I need to block them from, like,
their IP address or something.
I don't fucking know.
What is this about?
- I'm this.
- Uh-huh.
No, listen, I'm the fan account.
- You drew this?
- No.
- My manager commissioned it.
- Why?
She fucked up.
She found this guy on I don't know where
to make a fan art of
me for the fan account.
So this fan account is run by you?
Everyone does it. Everyone does.
I'm iconic. Look at
me. I'm a whole thing.
But this is not a real fan.
But the art inspires a lot of people.
To make art of you?
Yes, but now the artist
is telling people.
Now people know.
But not if we permanently block him.
- Who made this?
- Some kid.
I don't know. Emily found him.
- Emily?
- My fucking manager.
She keeps doing this.
She's obsessed.
She wants to "Single White Female" me.
Emily what?
What if all the gays turn on me?
- Emily what?
- What?
What is your manager's last name?
Oh. Trish.
And the Red Nose Day issue?
The GoFundMe for that kid? [LAUGHS]
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
No one is posting fake photos of you.
No one's catfishing as you.
Baby, are you on crack?
What is wrong with
you? You're not famous.
You're paying people
to make fan art of you.
I'm dead. I'm literally freaking dead.
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
I'm iconic.
I'm I'm iconic.
Iconic.
Everyone's obsessed with me.
Everyone's obsessed because I'm iconic.
Thanks.
The next L train will
arrive in 248 minutes.
Hey, I'm worried about
Derrick's drinking.
He was really sloppy when I left.
He could have really hurt himself.
[WHIRRING]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Martine.
Martine!
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
God, you didn't hear me?
I was just calling your
name, like, three times.
What gosh. Oh.
Are you still in performance?
What was it? Um Vanessa, right?
Vanesja with a J. Like the hotels.
Sure. Right. Gosh.
You took my course years ago.
You know, I was so riveted when I heard
you were so committed to your thesis.
But some people are like,
oh, yeah, no, I don't think
she's in performance anymore.
I think she's genuinely an agent.
But that's not true, is it?
Huh.
You're not prolonging
your performance piece
'cause you're scared of
graduating with an arts degree
and not having money or insurance
or qualifying for Proof
of Existence, right?
I mean, you're not having your cake
and eating it too, are you?
- I have to go.
- Sure.
Yeah, I have a very
important cli client.
- Client.
- Waiting.
Sure.
[CLAPS] Very nice.
You know, Vanesja, like the hotels,
the job of the artist is to make people
see things in a different way.
How does this performance
change anything?
Just something for you
to go home and munch on.
All right?
I'm not gonna wait for the bus anymore.
I think I'm gonna walk.
You can't even walk in
those shoes, can you?
You're weak. You're weak.
Excuse me.
[SOFT PENSIVE MUSIC]
I should help.
Why else am I an artist
if not to make the world a better place?
♪
Hey, babe?
Hey. Hi.
Sorry, I'm I'm sort of
in the middle of something.
I I finally got a biopsy,
and the, uh, the the
doctor seems kind of worried.
Aw, listen, I think
we're gonna have to find
another way to get you an exception.
Wait, why?
Well, it's just, you look
amazing in the photo,
but, um
it's just not your face.
So I think our only option
now is to pitch Zappos
that idea of yours.
You know, the how I
[LAUGHS] No, no. There is no way.
I will not be selling out. Thank you.
Hello.
I hear you have an
idea for a show for us.
I do, and I am very excited
to be sharing it with you today.
Okay, so remakes are
very in right now, right?
Right, right, right.
Okay, give it to me.
Feed me. Feed Susana.
Okay, so how about a
remake of "The Lion King"?
Uh, this remake stars a zebra,
just, like, a random zebra
that otherwise would be considered
an extra in the movie.
But this zebra is like, wait,
why are lions our leaders?
Who elected them the leaders?
Why do we have to bow down
to them and get eaten by them?
So then the zebra leads the revolution,
but then the zebra does
end up getting eaten.
But as the zebra lays dying,
looking up into the heavens
with, like, maybe, like,
the sun reflected on his eye
and thinking, well, you
know, at least I tried.
Ugh! Cut the bullshit.
- Hmm?
- Huh?
Cut the bullshit.
You know what we want,
and we know what you want.
You need a little piece of
paper that says you don't need
another little piece of paper.
If you don't sell a show,
you don't get exception
from Proof of Existence,
and you don't get to upload yourself.
That's right.
I got your medical records.
Zappos level intel.
I know you're expecting
bad news, and selling a show
is the only way to become incorporeal,
given that your little oyster
is at the bottom of the sea.
So let's quit playing games, huh?
Grow up. Give us what we want.
Give us your trauma.
Give it to us funny.
Give it to us en espanol, por favor.
Okay, well, I do have an
idea in case of emergency.
Mm-hmm. Yes?
I was hoping I would never have to use.
Mm-hmm. Say it.
[TENSE MUSIC]
It's a script titled
Well, say it.
[LAUGHS]
That's a show.
[LAUGHING]
Okay.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]