Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[rhythmic clapping]
[hip-hop music]
- Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular
wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea
three months ago.
To recite a few lines,
we have our own slam poet,
Patrick "Slamrock" O'Brien.
- Chaad and Meegan,
School ain't been the same
since you've been sleepin'
with the fishes.
- [panting]
Mom, Dad,
we're alive.
- She thinks
she can replace us?
- If they don't want
to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in
and take it.
- Or you could let me
handle them more directly.
- No, Chaad.
That's island talk.
- I am already running late,
but let's get something
on the books soon.
- God, I need an affair.
Oh, this is fun.
- You deserve a king.
- Oh, so good.
[lively Irish music]
♪
[upbeat music]
[woman singing indistinctly]
- Body looks so sick
in this cloak.
You know, legend has it that
the forest nymphs of Ireland
used to knit these cloaks
out of enchanted moss.
- You know a lot
about Irish mythology.
- Uh, yeah.
My mom says
we have relatives there.
- You should use that
and try out for the school play.
They're doing "Leprechaun"
this year.
- No way.
No girl's ever gonna take me
seriously
if I'm in theater.
No, my thing is
the all-male wrestling team.
- Girls hate wrestling.
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, no girls like wrestling.
- Yes, they do.
- No.
- [chuckles]
Yes, they do.
♪
[phone beeps]
- Hello?
- Meegan.
- Go for Meegan.
- I'm watching you.
I've got something
to give you.
- I assure you
I've got one already.
[groans]
This telemarketer
keeps calling me
and just whispering my name.
It's like, "Learn how
to make a sales pitch."
- Ugh, amateur hour.
- Ugh, right?
Are these contracts
okay to sign?
- Yeah, yeah, they're
totally boilerplate.
- Attention, people.
Attention.
Please, please.
Please.
This year's adaption
of the hit film "Leprechaun"
is going to be one
of the most challenging
and grueling productions
I have ever mounted.
If anyone here
is not committed to making art,
then you can get the hell out
right now!
No! No.
Meegan, you are
one of the leads.
You have to stay for this,
okay?
- Right.
- It's in the contract.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Did you even read it?
- Yes.
- Anyone else?
You want to get out?
You want to get out?
Excellent.
Tonight we open.
I need you off book in 5.
We'll be doing a dress in 30.
The set needs to be built in 4.
So let's get to it.
Have fun.
What are we doing people?
Get off book!
Get off book!
Get off book!
Get off book!
[door bangs]
- Saint Patrick drove the snakes
out of Ireland in 445 B.C.
- You know
what they don't teach us?
- What?
- How pimp Saint Patrick
actually was.
- What do you mean?
- Saint Patrick, like,
completely invented
the idea of partying.
- Really?
- Everyone was so happy
when he drove the snakes
out of Ireland
that they partied
for a straight two days.
- As Glannoventa.
- Hey.
- According to the confessions
of Saint Patrick,
at the age of 16
- What if we--
Nah, forget it.
- Okay.
- No, wait.
What if we got some snakes
and we drove them out of--
Forget it.
- Forgotten.
- No, wait.
Town.
- In the confession
- Huh.
- The time spent in captivity
- Okay, so find some snakes
and drive them out of town
and create the most epic
two-day party of the year.
I don't see anything wrong
with that plan.
[birds chirping]
[pensive music]
♪
- Veronica?
♪
- Did you guys see
that kid's weird, shrunken leg?
- Oh, yeah,
from being in that cast.
- Yeah, it was bigger before.
Now it's smaller.
- People who are different
are weird.
You know, what I like,
is when everyone's the same.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- [grunts]
[coins clinking]
[lively Irish music]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Whoa, what the hell?
That was different and weird.
- Yeah, you're not different,
are you?
- It doesn't matter
what you do ♪
- You see this loser?
He dropped his coins
like a greasy-handed nerd,
so I stole 'em.
- Another time,
you could have ♪
- Oh, totally.
- Oh.
- Stupid nerd!
- Oh, yeah!
- Let's grab some coins.
- Yeah.
[man singing indistinctly]
- On another day ♪
On another day ♪
- I'll be in my dressing room.
[ominous music]
[camera shutter clicking]
♪
[screams]
- What's wrong?
Oh, my God.
Meegan, who put up
all these pictures?
- I did, but look.
- I think you have a stalker.
- Oh, my God.
That is so cool.
Do you think
this is the same person
that's been writing me
all these long text messages
on paper?
- Yes, and they're probably
the same person
who's been calling you.
Meegs, this is really scary.
- No, it's not.
Stalkers
don't just stalk anyone.
It means I'm really building
my fan base.
[door rattles]
- This is ridiculous.
I have a client.
- Hello, Meegan.
- [screams]
- [gasps]
I want to cut off your nose
and put it on my nose
so I can smell
all the things that you smell.
- You must be my stalker.
It's so great
to finally meet you.
I'm really looking forward
to working together.
- [gasps]
[sultry electronic music]
♪
[moaning raspily]
- Okay.
5'8".
- That's impossible.
I'm 5'11".
- The ruler doesn't lie.
You're 5'8".
- How could I have shrunk
3 inches
since my last height-in?
- I don't know.
Maybe your bones are settling.
Point is, you're gonna have
to wrestle in a shorter class.
- He's different.
- That's weird.
- Small boys have more to prove,
so be careful.
[energetic rock music]
[hands squelching]
♪
- Yo.
Check, check, check it.
Check it. Check it.
[snakes hissing]
- Whoa,
where'd you get those?
- Long story, but a buddy
of mine owns a snake farm.
- Wow.
- Guess it wasn't
such a long story after all.
- I don't know.
There were some boring parts.
- Want, want everything,
I do ♪
- Here we go.
Ooh, sorry.
- No, no, wait.
Whoa.
- Ah, yeah, right.
- Saint Paddy,
the original prankster,
in three
both: Two, one.
- Banzai!
- Ah!
[snakes hissing]
[woman singing indistinctly]
[people yelling and screaming]
- Oh, no, it's Todd!
He's been bit!
- Ah!
- Did you know
these were venomous?
- Someone get a doctor!
He's going into shock!
[people screaming]
- How come I'm staying put?
- You find him repulsive,
but there's something sexy
about him too.
- Mm, like Dave Franco.
- Exactly.
Use it.
Okay, let's go.
- [sighs]
So, Mr. Leprechaun,
if it's true
that you've got a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow,
then what else do you got?
[sighs]
- Doesn't he know
that she's mine?
[ominous music]
♪
[metallic rattling]
[bag thuds]
♪
- Wow.
That was a close one.
[chuckles]
I guess you could say
today is my lucky day.
Whoa! Ah!
[bone cracks]
[groans]
- What is going on?
This is the fifth time
this has happened today.
People, pay attention.
- I'm incapacitated.
I can't possibly continue acting
in this play.
[pensive music]
- If he can cheat,
so can I.
♪
[camera shutter clicks]
[dog barking and baby crying]
Marshmallow?
Where'd you get that baby?
[dog growling]
No, no, no.
Put it down, sweetie.
[dog barks]
No, put it down.
[door clicks and rattles]
- Hey, Kyle, I'm home.
Traffic was really light.
Took the 405 today,
and somehow,
there wasn't any--
♪
Cheatr?
Oh, my God.
♪
Two can play at that game.
[zipper buzzes]
[camera shutter clicking]
- [exhales]
- Coming up, we've got
all the solid gold
[distorted] Gold, gold,
Irish hits.
[echoing]
Happy Saint Patrick's Day.
- Good mornin' to you.
[lively Irish music]
- What the hell?
[grunts]
What's happening to me?
♪
[door rattling]
- Everything all right in there,
Patrick?
- Uh, yeah, Mom.
I'm just masturbating.
[grunting distortedly]
♪
Faith and begorra.
- I guess it's time
you learned, son.
[dramatic instrumental music]
You're a leprechaun.
♪
[lively Irish music]
- Now that you're a leprechaun,
you'll need this.
- Fit together
so seamlessly ♪
- So I'm a leprechaun?
- Yeah.
- I didn't even know
they were real.
- I'll take care of you ♪
- Oh, yes.
Very real
and extremely sexy.
I was seduced by one
while I was studying abroad.
I don't know if it was the weed
or the fact that I was
just out of a relationship
looking for some action,
but we went at it,
and I mean recklessly.
He didn't even pull it out.
- Okay, enough, enough.
- Long, long hair ♪
- So you knew,
and you just didn't tell me?
- I didn't know if you carried
the leprechaun gene or not.
I was hoping it would skip
a generation.
- So where's my dad now?
- Standing at the foot
of a rainbow somewhere.
I didn't even get his number.
- How am I supposed
to show my face
at the wrestling match tonight?
I'm a freak!
- What you have to do
is avoid the classic triggers,
mainly gold
and also dairy.
- What you need to do
is cheat on him.
- I don't know, Lenice.
It's like a whole new ball game
out there now.
I mean,
it's not like the old way
where you could just meet
somebody in traffic.
Now they all use
this new app Cheatr.
See?
- Let me see this.
No. No.
No.
[chuckles]
- Oof.
- [gasps]
No.
Ooh.
Perfect.
"Help me get even
with my cheating spouse."
- Ooh, I do love that fedora.
[phone buzzes and beeps]
He wants to meet at a hotel.
- You have to do this.
Jacq is probably out there
banging some bimbo
right this very second.
- You're right.
Let's do it.
- Can I come?
- No.
- Okay.
Just wondering.
- [sighs]
Without a lead leprechaun,
there is no play.
- That's not an option.
This show is doing wonders
for my social positioning.
It's opening night,
and I already have a stalker.
- Little girl,
what don't you understand?
We need a leprechaun,
and there is
[whispers] No one left.
- So go on and get it ♪
- [sighs]
[ominous music]
[groans]
Not now, stalker.
- What's wrong, pretty?
- You.
- Ah.
- You're wrong.
- Uh.
- You incapacitated
the colead of the show,
and while I appreciate
the effort,
the show
is going to be canceled.
- [gasps]
But we'll have more time
together.
- No, we won't.
- Eh.
- I'll never set foot
in this theater again
unless you can find me
a new leprechaun.
- [gasps]
- Find me a new leprechaun
[echoing] Leprechaun
- I'll find you a leprechaun,
pretty.
- Having an affair
with a total stranger
is so exciting.
- That is
my favorite kind of revenge.
- I was really scared
to do this,
but there is something
so familiar about you.
- Yeah.
- [inhales]
I think it's your cologne.
- Should we go
for round two?
- Oh, you are wild.
Um, Dallas?
- Yes.
- Okay, good. Sorry.
- My name is Dallas.
- Dallas.
- Dallas Texas.
- Oh, that's so sexy.
- And your name is?
- [whispers] Pittsburgh.
- That's right.
- Ah.
[moaning]
- Ahh!
[snake hissing]
[both yelling]
- Everyone
at the school's gonna die,
and it's our fault!
- Braff, watch out!
- Don't move.
[bone cracks]
- [whimpers]
- Who are you?
- Name's Martin.
I'm a distant relative
of Saint Patrick.
- No way.
- Amazing.
- By rape.
both: Oh.
- So you must know
how to kill snakes.
- Yeah, it's, uh--
It's actually--
It's really easy.
All you got to--
[crunch]
Oh, God damn it!
Got bit.
It's fine. It's fine.
I think the antivenom
vaccine's in my car.
I left the keys somewhere.
I think it's my jacket.
- Tell us how to stop them!
- Don't know where my jacket is.
I think these are my last words.
If you want to kill the snakes,
just use what's in my hand.
You should be good.
[snakes hissing]
[dramatic music]
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Of course.
Bare hand.
- Bare hands?
- Yes.
- No, no.
I think he meant
in his other hand.
He wanted to give us
this fox urine.
- Ew.
What a pervert.
No, I'm pretty sure
he meant bare hand.
- Foxes are
the snakes' predator.
It makes sense why their scent
would drive them off.
- Then why did he kill a snake
with his bare hands?
Sniff fox piss on your own time.
- We don't have time for this.
Let's go.
♪
- Bare hand.
[snakes hissing]
♪
- Just wanted to remind you guys
what's at stake today.
- Mm-hmm ♪
- You win today,
you bring home
a big gold trophy.
Trophy's shaped like a pot.
It's made out of gold.
This thing is
a regular pot of gold.
[echoing] Pot of gold.
- You've got some blood
on you ♪
- Patrick, you okay?
- All I see is this ♪
- I got you
kicking things off today.
- All I see is ♪
- I don't know, Coach.
Maybe I shouldn't wrestle today.
I'm kind of feeling
under the weather.
And also,
nobody's in the stands
on account of the, you know,
whole massive nest of snakes
on the loose.
- Patrick, I know
that you're worried about it,
but wrestling in a shorter class
is nothing to be ashamed of.
You're on the wrestling team.
You've already given up
on what other people think.
- This ♪
- Yeah, do it.
- Drops getting in my shoes ♪
And the laces alone
can't take my blues ♪
[warbling tone]
Are you only
passing through ♪
Or are you gonna love me? ♪
[foreboding music]
[whistle blows]
- Yeah, come on.
- Get him.
- Good, good, good.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Chew, chew on that.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo!
[all gasping]
[tense instrumental music]
Oh, you never pinned me,
laddie.
[laughs]
Yeah, what's up?
♪
Don't be afraid.
It's your good old friend
Patrick.
- I'm suspending you
from the team, Patrick.
- He's different.
- This is too disgusting.
- But wrestling's all I've got.
♪
- [squeaks]
- Coach, please.
- [panting]
Patrick!
You don't have to do wrestles.
If you come with me,
I can make you a star.
♪
- Oh.
- Eeh.
- Okay.
- Come on.
[lively Irish music]
[pensive instrumental music]
- Hmm.
♪
[chuckling]
♪
Uh
♪
You're perfect.
The show is back on.
- No, thanks.
I'm not one of your drama kids.
I'm a--I'm a wrestler,
a jock.
- [chuckles]
Theater is the ultimate sport.
- Really?
- Think about it--
the cheering crowds,
the big open spaces,
the hot dog vendors,
the two teams competing
with each other for points.
Theater is exactly sports
but with more social relevance,
of course.
- All right, okay.
I'll do it.
- [laughs]
Theater, you fickle bitch.
The show is back on!
- Ahh!
Ah!
[giggles maniacally]
[pensive music]
- I give my wife everything.
She always wants more.
- The same with my husband.
I don't know what he wants.
- Well, maybe he just wants
a home-cooked meal
once in a while.
- You're starting to sound
like my husband, Dallas.
- You're starting to sound
like my wife, Pittsburgh.
- Oh, God.
Maybe this was a mistake.
- Your wig.
- [gasps]
- Kyle?
- Jacq?
- You cheated on me with me.
- The only reason
I cheated on you with you
is because I found
your mistress's phone number
this morning.
- My mistress?
- Yes, Veronica.
- Veronica is my chiropractor.
Veronica Davidson,
you met her
last week at the benefit.
You said her balayage
was passé.
- Oh, dark roots,
copper highlights.
I am so sorry I doubted you.
- We just need to be
more honest with each other.
- Yes.
- Don't you know
that I would never
cheat on you
unless you cheated on me first?
- Oh, Jacq.
Oh, gosh, then I think
I need to come clean.
I did make passionate love
with a half-man, half-unicorn
who came in through a portal
inside our children's club.
[whispers] I'm sorry.
Oh, please forgive me.
- A unipony.
♪
Which half was horse?
- Meegan.
Hi, Blake.
- [gasps]
- The play's back on.
Mr. Lapierre cast me
as a leprechaun.
- Curtain's up in 45 minutes.
You'll never learn the lines.
- Oh, I'll learn it, Meegan.
You know, it's about time
I stopped acting
like a lepre-can't
and started being a lepre-will.
- Boy, I'm better
than I ever been ♪
Chicks are mad, homey ♪
Take your damn medicine ♪
- Hey ♪
- Don't sweat me, dude ♪
Got a swagger
that'll get your girl ♪
In the mood ♪
[applause]
- Look at this
beautiful rainbow.
[gasps]
What's that, a pot of gold?
The legends are true.
I'll just take this one.
- Ah-ha-ha!
Take me gold, will ye?
A thief is what you be.
- Ah, a leprechaun!
- Fear and fright
are always the emotions
that I incite,
when all I need is love
for just one night.
- Look, Mr. Leprechaun.
I don't want your gold.
I just want a friend,
because gold,
you can't take it with you
and you can't take it
- [mouthing words]
- Without you.
[snake hissing]
- Ah!
- Oh, God.
- Shut up!
We're acting here.
- Snakes, there are snakes
everywhere!
[all yelling and screaming]
[dramatic music]
- Ahh!
- Ugh, save the cheers
and applause
till the end of the show,
you idiots.
♪
- Damn it, there's no way
we can choke
all these snakes in time.
- That's why we should use
this fox urine.
- There is no way we could
possibly disperse fox piss
over this large area
in due time.
- We can't.
♪
But your boomerang can.
♪
[fox urine splashing]
♪
[fox urine splashes]
♪
[snakes hissing]
- Ahh.
- The snakes are leaving.
- Those two guys saved us.
- People can't know it was me.
Braff, I'm trusting you.
♪
From this moment on,
I am
the Boom.
♪
- Whoever they are,
they're totally cool.
- Who was that man?
Oh, it was Chaad.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Dude, seriously,
that was so good.
- Is it true what they say
about leprechauns?
- I guess being different
isn't so bad after all.
[all laughing]
Top of the mornin' to ya.
[all laughing]
- I don't get it.
I acted the crap
out of that play,
and this freak
gets all the attention.
- Don't worry about it, sis.
We'll get there,
but I want to tell Patrick
this idea I have
for a web series.
I'll be right back.
Hey.
- Bump in the way
for sure ♪
[ominous musical flourish]
- I'm still your biggest fan.
- Will you massage my feet,
please?
It's been a long night.
- Ah.
- Anymore ♪
- [mouthing words]
[camera shutter clicks]
- Get the arches.
- Eh.
[grunts]
[hip-hop music]
- I wanted to see
if we were gonna go
to the daddy-daughter sleepover
this year.
I thought maybe we could go
together.
- Mom's new husband
makes so much more than you,
and he's British,
so that is who I'm taking
to the sleepover.
- Well, if I can't be in it,
then nobody can!
[grunts]
- You ever sex it out
in a classroom?
- That'd be against the rules.
- "Do you want
to go to hell now?"
Yes.
- [in demonic voice]
Welcome to hell.
[in normal voice]
Your hell, anyway.
Everybody's
is a little bit different.
[chuckles]
- Okay.
[rhythmic clapping]