F*%#Ing Adelaide (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1
MAN: Faster.
OK, I'm coming out now.
CHILD: What did you get?
What did you get?
(CHILD CRIES)
OK, Cleo, Cleo.
Live ordinance. All set, one, two.
Watch Mum's head.
I get so stressed.
Big, big pull.
Happy Christmas!
Yay!
MAN: Is it the right size?
Thank you, brother. Thank you.
You're welcome.
OK, who's next?
WOMAN: That one.
Who's this for?
Cleo.
It's for Cleo. From me.
There you go. That's from Gran.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
ALL: Ooh.
What the hell is that, Mum?
What? What's wrong?
Well, seriously?
What did you get my daughter?
No, it's OK.
It's not OK.
Emma!
We can take it back, Sweetie.
Emma! It is a joke!
Jesus.
It's a joke.
As if I would
There you go, Cleo.
Happy Christmas, Honey.
Hey
(MAGICAL TINKLING)
Thanks, Grandma.
It's exactly what I wanted.
So, it had a shiny button
that you could tie the cape on,
and it had this red
shiny lining underneath.
And the hat matched too,
so it was red on the inside,
and all black on the outside
as well.
And the house is all packed up now,
because everyone is freaking
out about selling it, I think,
and I can't find it anywhere
and I've only got today
to put on the show,
so I really need a new costume now.
Well, I'm sure we can find
the perfect replacement
for a magical little man
such as yourself.
Little woman.
Sorry?
Cleo is not a little man,
she's a little woman.
Oh, I am I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry, little girl.
It's just I I'm going to go and
get something just right for you.
He seemed pretty embarrassed.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
But is there something that makes me
look particularly like a boy?
Hey
..the greatest magicians
always keep their audiences guessing.
It doesn't matter what your audience
believes, or thinks.
The trick is to make them
look where you want them to
..while doing what you need to do
to perform the real magic.
I've found the perfect thing!
Let's make something at home, hmm?
♪Abra
♪Cadabra
♪Abra
♪Cadabra
♪Abra
♪Cadabra. ♪♪
His dad was in the army,
so he travelled a lot.
Is this person a celebrity?
Nope, they're real.
OK.
And he's got a tattoo of
it's got a name in it.
Tattoo?
Nuh. Dunno.
What else? He's from America.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this your dad? Is this Toby?
Yeah!
(CHUCKLES)
You're a good egg, you know that?
You have an interest in your family.
You know all sorts of stuff
about them.
It's my family.
Beautiful.
I'm sorry this hasn't been much fun,
this visit.
But everyone will be back later on
for the show, right?
Yep, they sure will.
Hey, how about that?
Ta-da!
Your turn.
OK. Let me see.
So, this person
Yeah.
..that I'm thinking of
..loves art.
When they were younger
they were always creating
Kitty!
No, but that's a good guess.
This person is always
getting too involved in charities,
but, you know,
when it comes to displaced people
who are routinely ignored
Mum!
Mmm, now this person, when they were
younger, they did shows
Like, what I do?
A little bit.
A bit more dancing,
a bit of singing, a bit more sexy,
more gorgeous cabaret.
Oh, that's definitely Uncle Eli.
No!
But then again, you know
It's me.
C'est moi. Mon petite enfant.
You did shows?
Yeah.
That's cool.
Hey, wait a minute.
Here we go.
Hey, how about that? Hmm?
Are you sure you don't know
where the top hat and cape are?
This is a kind of a cape, isn't it?
I mean it's not
It's not
It's just not magicky.
It needs to be more magicky.
Wait a minute!
There's a whole other
box in the shed.
♪Mmm
♪Girl
♪Girl, boy
♪Girl
♪Boy
♪Boy
♪Mmm
♪Girl
♪Boy
♪Girl
♪Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy
♪Boy
♪Boy
♪Boy, girl
♪Boy
♪Boy
♪Girl
♪Girl, girl
♪Girl ♪♪
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Grandma!
Maude!
(KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!)
Well, hello there, pretty lady.
What a beautiful outfit!
Mmm, now let me guess
You've got a magic trick for me?
Was that the door, Honey?
Who is it?
Yep!
Who are you?
Well, my name's Geoff.
It's Geoff!
Hi, sweetheart.
This is perfect timing. You can be
our test audience for the show.
No. Um
I couldn't find
your old cape and hat
and you can't be a magician
without it.
It's OK. This costume is perfect.
I'm not sure we're ready
ready for an audience yet, Cleo.
I'm sure Geoff doesn't have time.
Oh, so you're
you're Emma's daughter!
Well, Cleo, it is
such a pleasure to meet you.
And I would love to see your show.
Alright.
Cleo, I really don't think
we have time for all this.
Maude, give the kid a chance.
It won't take long.
Look at her, she's so excited!
OK, just one trick.
Yes?
One?!
Honestly,
we don't have a lot of time.
Geoff can't stay for long, so just
one trick or nothing at all, yeah?
OK, OK, one trick!
Yes!
OK, OK, so
Just skip the introduction,
you know that. Just the trick.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
you can't rush magic, Maude.
Let the kid take her time.
Just do the trick, Honey.
OK, OK, so just imagine
a really amazing introduction
with lots of music and lights.
Yes, yes I can see it now.
It's marvellous.
And then
So, the key to great magic
is that it doesn't matter what
your audience thinks or believes.
The trick
Yay.
Oh, it doesn't matter,
he gets the gist of it. That's good.
Oh. Shit, Maude,
give the kid a chance.
Come on.
I can try again.
One more try,
but then we really have to
Maude! Just let her try.
So, the key to great magic
is that it doesn't matter
what the audience believes
or thinks.
The trick is to make them
look where you want them to
Oooh.
..while doing
what you need to do
Ohhh.
Dammit. I'm sorry.
It's OK.
C'mon, try again!
You can do better than that.
Come on.
It doesn't matter, Cleo.
Come on, try again.
Come on, try again.
It's OK, honey.
Hey, why don't we do it together,
huh?
You can follow me.
Oh, merci beaucoup. You ready?
The greatest magicians always
keep their audiences guessing.
BOTH: And the key to great magic
is that it doesn't matter what
your audience believes or thinks.
The trick is to make them
look where you want them to
..while doing what you need to do
..to show the real magic.
You just need
the right encouragement!
Stuffing up another kid,
are you, Maude?
OK, time for Geoff to go.
No, we need to talk.
No, I think you should go now.
Still got this old rug I see.
And, young lady,
that was my mother's.
Now, why would you
hold on to something like that?
I was going to use it
for part of the show.
Well, we should let Geoff
take it with him now.
I know I said that I would hold on to
it for you but you should, you know,
just take it now.
I mean, there's the other parts
that I haven't practised yet.
Cleo, just leave it
for when the others get back.
They'll be here any second.
Well, maybe I could stay and be
a part of the proper audience.
Yes, then I can use the
No, Cleo.
But if Geoff wants to stay
Why don't you
just go back into my room,
just try on some more costumes, huh?
I like this costume.
Cleo, you can not do the show
wearing that ridiculous costume.
Who do you think you are?
What are you supposed to be?
A girl? A girly magician?
It doesn't suit you at all.
You look ridiculous.
The whole family will laugh at you
if you wear that
..what you're wearing right now.
So just go and change.
(ECHOING VOICES) Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why are you here?
Why are you here?
Look, I became very concerned
when Eli rang.
I just didn't realise
that they were all involved.
They're going be here any second.
And I think they are pressuring you
into doing something
you don't want to do.
Is that what you think, is it?
Look, I get it. I get it.
I know what I put you through.
I know I fucked up.
But you know what
I was going through at that time.
You know
that we still have a connection.
Despite all our difficulties,
we still have a connection
otherwise we would've abandoned
all this a long ago.
Well, you know what?
We are selling the house now
and you will get your half
and we are getting a divorce.
And then we'll just
go our separate ways again.
Wha
Like before.
Divorce?
Well, something's happened.
What, that little girl's mother,
she got in your ear about it,
has she?
No.
I don't believe you.
Look at this.
You could've chucked that out
at any stage, right?
But you insisted
on holding on to it for me.
Why else?
Why fucking else?
What do you think
I have been doing all these years?
Waiting?
You never mentioned divorce.
All those years
of the phone calls
You know,
by keeping in contact with you
By answering all those
fucking stupid emails of yours
You never, not once
..by holding on to your precious
dead mother's hideous,
whatever the fuck that is
I have just been trying
to keep the peace.
Just let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Yeah, well,
you could never let me go.
My God, you are so fucking deluded.
You know that?
You have been out of our lives
for so long.
You actually really think
that there's still some kind of
..little magic?
You just see what you want to see.
Show's over. No more tricks.
Don't you walk away from me!
(MUFFLED AND DISTANT)
You can't talk to me like that!
Look what happens.
Shit.
Shit. Get up.
Just get up.
Still fucking pretending, are you?
Yes, hello, ambulance.
Maude, look at what you made me do.
Yes, I need an ambulance.
♪I won't be a winner
♪And you won't be a winner
♪You can just tell
You can just tell
♪You can just tell
that I'll never make it
♪You can just tell
You can just tell
♪That we'll never make it. ♪♪