Florida Man (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[church bell tolls]
[man] Arthur West was a man
of many passions.
He loved sports,
his Bears, his Blackhawks.
The Cubs winning
the division title last week
must have brought him tremendous joy.
[whispering] So much that he jumped off
a building, but sure.
[man] And, of course, he loved his music.
Here to sing one of Arthur's favorites
from Chicago singer Tyrone Davis
is his niece, Pam.
Oh, darling ♪
I'm so lonely without you ♪
Can't sleep at night
Always thinking about you ♪
If I had the chance to start all over ♪
I would be wishing today
On a four-leaf clover ♪
And leaving you
Was the last thing on my mind ♪
If I could turn back the hands of time ♪
[paper shredder whirring]
Mom, what are you doing?
I bought this today.
I knew I should've got another size up
because this only takes three at a time.
It'll take all night.
It was real nice you came to the funeral.
But you don't need to do
whatever you're doing.
- Yes, I do. And you could help.
- With what?
Oh, my God. You don't know.
What, Ma?
One thing you inherited from him
is no head for business.
He would have gone bust if I hadn't
found a way to keep him afloat.
But the one thing I told him, I said,
"Do not skim! Not from these people."
You got dad laundering money?
I didn't see you complain
when you opened that bar of yours.
The bar is making money now.
I can stop drawing cash in six months.
There is no money, Del. It's over!
God.
Goddamn it! [grunts]
I broke a nail.
Wait
- There's no money. There's nothing?
- No.
And even if the police
don't investigate his suicide,
the insurance companies will,
so I'm making sure that
there's nothing to fall back on anyone.
Why did you say "suicide" like that?
You really think
your father killed himself?
No.
The mobster he was skimming from
must have come to Chicago.
They met at that hotel
with the rooftop bar,
which I know because
he put the drinks on his card.
You owe somebody money
and you go to a rooftop?
I mean, who does that?
Two drinks. One old fashioned. [chuckles]
You ever see Arthur West
drink an old fashioned?
Next thing you know,
he's 13 stories down on the sidewalk.
People out celebrating the Cubs.
Bam! Everyone's screaming.
Celebration over.
Who killed Dad?
Never mind who.
Someone he would never want you to meet.
Come on. Shred.
[Delly] "Bogdan Yankov"?
I said shred!
[somber music playing]
[metal detectors whirring]
Fuck.
Fuck.
Excuse me.
Can I get you to sign the guest book?
Maybe write down
how you know the deceased.
The deceased?
Bogdan Yankov?
Fucking idiot!
I mean
[Moss] Lose something?
Um
What? No.
Um
No. Sorry. Just lost my lighter.
Dropped my lighter.
You can use mine.
Okay.
Thanks.
Sad day.
[sighs] Sure is.
Want a cigarette?
I don't smoke.
Then why do you have a lighter?
They let me light the candles.
Are you getting a cold?
What?
Oh.
It was in their medicine cabinet,
when I was cleaning it out.
My mom used to put this on me.
You're his son?
Moss.
["Liar, Liar" playing]
Sorry for your loss.
Dutch!
Ask me, baby ♪
Where the fuck are you?
You been out all night
Know you been bad ♪
Don't tell me different
Know it's a lie ♪
Jesus Christ.
[Kaitlin on TV] Good morning.
It's 10:00 and here's the news.
We know smoking can kill,
but a Florida man found out the hard way.
When police say he lit up, then blew up
inside a port-a-potty.
Authorities speculate
that the port-a-potty
was not properly ventilated,
causing highly flammable methane fumes
to reach dangerous levels.
Later in this hour, we'll have a report
on how you can check
Makes me nervous, chief,
sitting with this salvage stuff
in the daylight.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
but we do it tonight or never.
Tomorrow they're covering the sinkhole.
Unless there's somebody else
you want to kill first?
Just one. But it can wait.
When that day comes, won't be mad ♪
Be free of you, but I'll still be sad ♪
In spite of your cheatin'
Still love you so ♪
I'll be unhappy if I let you go ♪
Fucking freaks.
Liar, liar, pants on fire ♪
Your nose is longer
Than a telephone wire ♪
If you keep on tellin' me those lies ♪
Still goin' out with other guys ♪
There'll come a day I'll be gone ♪
- [camera clicks]
- Take my advice, won't be long ♪
When that day comes, won't be mad ♪
Be free of you, but I'll still be sad ♪
In spite of your cheatin'
Still love you so ♪
- You're in my car.
- This ain't your car.
Get out of my car.
It ain't your car. I just bought
[car starting]
What the fuck?
[monitor beeping]
[Mike] This guy needs someone
to be punished for the dead woman.
If it's not the EMT, it'll be me.
[cell phone buzzing]
- Tyler?
- Can you bring me a juice?
- From where?
- The kitchen.
- I'm not in the kitchen. I'm at work.
- Why?
- Because I came to work.
- [baby cooing on scanner]
Tyler, is that a baby?
It's the neighbor's.
You'll have to take care
of your own juice needs for the moment.
I have to get a mother to pull the plug
on her brain-dead son.
I don't mean that as an insult.
His brain is dead.
Sorry, I keep staring,
but you're her, right?
- From that show?
- No, not me.
No. You know what it is?
You remind me of someone I know
from back home.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. In Philly.
But it can't be because she died.
In fact, I just went to her funeral.
- Sad.
- I know.
I'm Iris.
Do you mind?
[sighs]
- You'd be the former Mrs. Mike, then?
- And you'd be the late Delly West.
Careful. Last person who came looking
for me is being scraped off a toilet.
You're not threatening a cop, I hope.
- Are you a cop? This far from home?
- I'm just sightseeing for now.
Looking for a boat.
Oh, you don't want a boat. Bad investment.
Sure was for Gil Franco, right?
What were you and Mike doing on his boat?
Thinking about a fishing trip.
Kind of like the one you're on.
New topic, but also maybe not.
Why would you fake your death
for Moss Yankov?
We like playing hide and seek.
I'm winning.
Are you, though?
[chuckles] Nice.
Put a couple filters on that,
send it to Moss and he can use it
for your next obituary photo.
Gil Franco's death
has nothing to do with me.
All that's gonna give you
is one more body.
It kind of does
have something to do with you.
See, Moss named you as his alibi
the night Gil Franco was killed.
He's lying.
And you?
- Do you have an alibi?
- Yes.
I don't think you wanna hear it.
Oh, I really do.
Okay. I was fucking your ex-husband.
So I guess that gives him an alibi too.
If you need corroboration, there might
have been a homeless guy watching.
Wow. I certainly don't want to ruin
such an epic love story.
I just want to solve a murder.
Uh-huh. But you're doing it
a thousand miles from where it happened.
When Moss finds you, and let's face it,
you're not that hard to find,
Mike is gonna want to protect you.
And I don't want him killed.
So, yeah, maybe I came down here
to drag him out of one last casino.
Whatever you think is happening
with you and Mike,
it's not just him you're running with.
It's also his addiction.
Trust me, we were
in a threesome for years.
So my advice?
Either get out before the luck turns
or make sure that slot keeps paying off.
I didn't kill Gil. Mike didn't kill Gil.
And you will never hang this murder
on Moss.
- Why is that?
- Firstly, he didn't do it. Not personally.
He also won't roll on whoever he had do it
and they won't roll on him,
so you're going home with nothing.
That sucks.
Mike and Delly went to Florida
and all I got was this lousy photo.
Or
I can give you something
to take down Moss' entire operation.
And you get?
That picture.
And 24 hours to disappear again.
I like being dead,
but only this much dead, not all the way.
Airplane, home today.
No Space Mountain. No Harry Potter World.
Just drop your car at the airport
and fuck off.
Morning.
- Welcome, my friend.
- A lovely town you have.
Thank you, thank you,
many things to do at the beach.
The rockets.
Ah. I see why my friend chose this place.
Mike Valentine?
Uh, Mike Valentine?
Yes, Mike Valentine. He here?
Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.
But to respect the privacy of our guest,
it is the policy of ownership
not to give out information
as to whether they are here or not.
Maybe leave your name and number?
Uh, that's okay.
It's more fun to surprise him anyway.
Wow.
I haven't seen this one in years.
My dad, he worked with
vending machine companies.
And coming up,
when I was learning the family business,
I picked up on a few quirks
of the various models.
See, like this one.
If you give it a punch
in the right spot, you get a free soda.
Very nice.
I haven't been involved
at that level in a while, you know
sleeves rolled up, getting the job done,
that sort of thing.
But fuck it.
I'm on vacation, right?
He's in room two!
Great.
[Kaitlin] Coming up after the break,
we'll have Johnny Football with
the latest in prep and college highlights,
plus a preview
of this weekend's NFL matchup
You okay if I turn it off a sec?
Good looking boy.
Jason.
Jason.
Patsy.
I wanted to see how you are.
They want to take his organs.
I just want to say
it's such an unfair decision
they're asking you to make.
As a mom.
Kids?
A daughter.
[Caroline on scanner] Goddamn it,
I gave birth to a goddamn car alarm.
- [Ted] Why don't you let me take her.
- [Caroline] And do what? Breastfeed her?
I'm all there is between her and death.
Just me.
Is she grateful? No.
She's mad at me. I can't do it, Ted.
You said I could and you lied.
You don't even want to have sex with me!
[Ted] Wait, what?
You were right.
- Ow!
- Be still.
Mike Valentine.
Coming to this place.
I should have listened.
We won't let these people stop us.
American dream.
A dream is what happens
when you are asleep
and other people come and beat you.
With a Mello Yello.
We made a plan.
We stay to it.
Do what's best for our family.
We'll be okay.
And maybe start sleeping
with one eye open.
Yeah, yeah.
Where is Samuel?
I heard rockets lift off around here.
You ever seen a rocket lift off?
If I lived here, I'd go all the time.
I get it. In Philly, people come from all
over the world to see the Liberty Bell.
I've seen it once on a school trip.
It was boring.
I spent the whole time
throwing acorns at a horse.
Where'd you get this?
It's okay.
I won't tell.
One of the rooms.
Room two?
I'm just gonna put it back.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll do it.
Remember.
Don't steal.
Tell the truth.
Take care of your teeth.
Do all that
you'll make your parents proud.
[Clara] Sammy!
Sammy! Out. Out!
[line ringing]
[on voicemail]
Hi. This is Mike. Leave a message.
Mike Valentine, call me.
We need to talk.
[Angela] I'm sure she doesn't hate you.
No, seriously.
She acts like I did something to her.
Like the other day,
she said she wants to be an astronaut,
and I said, "That's great!"
Thinking, "Finally some ambition."
And she said it's because she wants
to get as far away from me as she can.
Well, I can be mean too.
I told her, "Good luck with that.
I don't know of any astronauts
that got a D in math."
And, yes, everyone says that's just how
14-year-old girls are with their mothers.
But I wouldn't know.
Mine was gone by then.
So I know how blessed I am,
but it's possible to feel blessed
and wanna murder them at the same time.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I apologize. I really do.
No. He's a fuck-up.
Sorry?
It took him three times
to pass the EMT test.
But he did it.
Maybe he's a late bloomer.
And that's the hardest part,
is that if he dies now,
this is all he is.
A fuck-up forever.
- No chance to bloom.
- No.
This young man wanted to save lives.
Now he can by donating his organs.
He won't be a screw-up.
He'll be a hero.
A mother's whole job
is to keep them alive.
It's the whole job.
A mother's job is to meet their needs.
What he needs now, you're the only one
that can give it to him.
Should I get the doctor in?
We'll keep the gear in here,
come back at dark and do this.
[Buzz] Okay. Okay. Okay.
Everybody tell me your favorite movie
from the last ten years
without a Minion in it. Go.
[door closes, then locks]
- All right. I'll tell you mine
- Shh.
- What are you guys doing here?
- I could ask you the same thing, buddy.
We're here for the meeting.
Isn't there a meeting today?
There is.
You guys are just in the wrong room.
Come, follow me, we're this way.
With all the damage,
the church doesn't want us in here,
- but we're damaged people ourselves
- [Mike] Of course.
so I think it's a good fit.
[cell phone buzzes]
I'm sorry.
[Caroline over radio] She's so beautiful.
[Ted] See? Just need a break. That's all.
- Let's get a sitter this week and go out.
- Okay.
I can stay with Jason.
[Caroline] Shh. I think she's asleep.
Okay, sweetie.
Just going to put you down now.
[on voicemail]
Hi. This is Mike. Leave a message.
Michael. It's done.
You have your body.
[inhales]
[baby crying]
[Angela] How is he still breathing
if his brain is dead?
[doctor] Maybe drugs still in the system.
Sometimes,
if there's no other organ failure,
they can breathe until the brain gives up.
- Even a few more days.
- A few more days?
Goodness.
[Angela] But he could also recover.
A miracle could happen.
- You want anything?
- No, I'm okay.
[on voicemail]
Hi. This is Mike. Leave a message.
Mike. You cannot not call me back.
You said you're in trouble
if the boy's alive. He's alive.
Call me.
Hey, guys, I'm sorry. Um
No cell phones.
We have to put those in the basket, okay?
Oh.
- Here you go. Thanks.
- [man] Thank you very much.
Usually we like to start
by welcoming newcomers
and asking them
if they feel comfortable sharing with us
what brought them here.
Oh. Um
Well, hi, I'm Mike, and
and I'm an alcoholic, and I
Okay, Mike, that might be true,
but this is actually an Al-Anon meeting.
He's got a gambling problem,
if that helps.
[man] Uh, no, it does not.
But, Mike, do you have any family members
or loved ones who have particular
behaviors that might trigger you
- Yeah, my father.
- Oh, please.
[thudding]
- If you give me one second
- My mom died.
She had cancer.
And I'm saying she died
and also she had cancer,
two different facts.
She was fighting it.
Her spirits were good.
And then one day
I came home from football practice
and she had shot herself.
In the bathtub. Not to make a mess.
I was the only one home,
my dad was at work.
So I called 911, they took her away and
and then I was left to clean up
the pieces of my mother's head
so that when my sister came home,
she didn't have to see that.
The lie we told her was that mom
had taken a bad turn from her cancer
and died in the hospital.
Not that she blew her brains out
with my father's gun.
Oh, yeah, he was a cop.
And his personal weapon
was always locked up, but not this day.
This day it wasn't.
And my mom got to it
and killed herself with it.
When the investigating officers
returned the gun to my dad,
he just put it back in the box.
I didn't understand how
he could even have it in the house.
My mother, she was the one
who kept us on the right track.
With her gone, my dad just
turned his back on everything she was.
Everything.
Most guys,
they think their dads are heroes
until they become adults themselves
and can see them as flawed.
Me, I got there at 13.
[man] Wow, Mike, thank you for sharing.
Does anybody else have anything
they would like to share with the group?
Yeah, I'll go.
In an unusual coincidence,
my wife had cancer too.
But her spirits were not good.
The pain she was in
She didn't want the kids to know
or be scared.
But it was unimaginable.
I think they're related.
[Sonny] At night, when it got the worst
she would beg me
to die.
And because I loved her more
than any woman that I had ever loved
or will ever love
I gave her that.
I left my gun unlocked.
Not an accident.
A choice.
That I couldn't take back.
And I went to work
and I sat there knowing
that when I got home
she would be dead.
It was the worst day of my life.
But you didn't come home
to find her dead, I did.
You were supposed to be at practice,
you were always there until dark.
- It was canceled.
- Yes. And I was stuck on a domestic.
What the fuck was I supposed to do?
Not every movie is about you.
- It was my mother!
- You made her death all about you.
And your hatred to me.
You couldn't let it go because without
your hatred to me, what were you, huh?
What were you?
And what you never saw
was your mother's agonizing
Pain. Yeah.
- I did.
- Decision.
Agonizing decision
to let go.
She said that I could do it,
that I was strong.
- But you weren't.
- [Sonny] No.
I couldn't do it.
Your mother,
she was the best person on earth.
She did everything right,
but it didn't matter
because there is no right
and there is no wrong.
And I never told you
that I was better than I was.
I told you that you were better than me.
That's what I hoped for.
I am what I am,
and to expect anything different,
that was a mistake,
and that's on you.
Somebody else go.
[line ringing]
[on voicemail]
Hi. This is Mike. Leave a message.
[Patsy] You need to call me now.
Oh, shit.
A lot of calls?
Yeah. I should return some.
Buzz and Ray-Ray finish up?
Yeah, yeah. It's all set.
Hey, maybe
Maybe we should get some lunch or
or a beer sometime?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we could do that.
[Mike] Okay.
What are you doing here?
You don't answer your phone. That's what.
Sorry, we were in a thing.
Oh, cool, that sounds fun.
I was in a thing too.
My thing was your ex-wife is here.
Shit, I know. Did she see you?
- You know?
- How did you know who she was?
We had a chat.
[over speaker] Let's stick to the part
where she knows who I am.
So the first thing I'm doing
with the gold money
is get plastic surgery,
so I'm not fucking killed.
I'm Iris. You mind?
There's not gonna be any gold money
if she's around tonight.
[Mike] No, I know,
I'll take care of Iris, don't worry.
I'm already doing it. Give me the key.
I need to get her something
and she'll go away.
Something?
Or that thing you said you didn't have?
Yeah, kind of like the wife
you didn't say you had.
You don't get to ask questions
at this particular moment.
Why is there a stuffed dog in your room?
- That's Bodie.
- You stuffed Bodie?
- He was the best dog I ever had.
- Mom said you had buried him.
No, she said he went to live with God,
but I don't believe in God.
I believe in taxidermy.
[line ringing]
- [Iris] Hey.
- Hey, Iris.
So you're in Florida.
Yeah, it's nice here.
I can see why you haven't left.
Let's talk. You remember The Breakers?
See you there.
Hey. It's gonna be fine. I promise.
- [Iris] So how are you?
- [Mike] I'm good.
I'm great.
See? You don't have to come down here
to check up on me. I'm fine.
Maybe, but when enough people
tell me I shouldn't be here,
I start to think
here is exactly where I should be.
So why are you?
I'm here to kill someone, obviously.
After killing Gil Franco, I had to bring
my murdering talents to Florida.
I'll give you a minute with the menu.
Someone killed Gil Franco.
Yes, and it wasn't me and you know that.
I told you already why I'm here.
- Then you just keep lying to me.
- That's not true. I have not.
Okay, where is Delly West?
That one because I needed
to protect her. That's all.
I just wanna know what you found
on Gil Franco's boat.
The same as you.
- Rifle cases with no rifles inside.
- So, what was he moving?
- I don't know. I have no idea.
- None, Mike? Really?
No.
Really.
Should we order?
Yeah, sure.
[cell phone buzzing]
Sorry, they've called three times.
- You mind if I take it?
- Please, take it.
Okay.
Who's this?
[Clara] This is your partner.
Clara?
We have a problem.
What are you talking about?
A man came here looking for you,
and now my husband has a hole in his head,
and if we go to the hospital,
we'll get deported.
Slow down. What man?
An asshole!
Smells like Vicks VapoRub.
["Heartbroken, In Disrepair" playing]
There is no light ♪
There is no charm ♪
[Delly] You're kidding me.
- You did not say that.
- I did. It's true.
There's no greater sports town
in the world than Philadelphia.
- Chicago!
- It's not even in the conversation.
Okay, how many titles of any kind
has Philly won in the lifetime
of anyone living now?
I mean, one.
You can count the total on your dick.
It would take two dicks,
thank you very much.
But that's what makes a great sports town.
We don't have to win.
Wow, that's a lucky break.
We support our teams, live or die.
You should go to Chicago sometime
and see what you're talking about.
- I have. That's why I know.
- No. You have no idea.
I was there one night.
Last time the Cubs won the division,
what was it? A year ago.
I drove through downtown that night,
not a single car on fire.
A fan base that can't manage
to torch even one cop car
is not committed to the cause.
You okay?
Hmm?
Yeah.
Cause I gotta live with myself ♪
Till I'm dust ♪
Just walk on by ♪
If we pass on the street ♪
Sometimes in battle ♪
It's best to retreat ♪
Searching for light ♪
Gasping for air ♪
Heartbroken, in disrepair ♪
M-O-S-S.
- [safe beeps]
- Of course, fucking idiot.
Heartbroken, in disrepair ♪
[Moss] Hi, Delly.
[theme music playing]