FM (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Yes, very funny.
Can we leave the beard alone now? You go holiday and you come back looking like the leader of a cult.
- You look like a homeless Bee Gee.
- You look like Tom Jones's ball bag.
I think it makes me look studious.
And dangerous.
Like a maverick surgeon.
Did you know they use Nintendo Wiis to train surgeons? Jesus! They're not going to send you a free Wii! It's like the 20th time you've mentioned it.
That's not advertising.
I don't even own a Nintendo Wii.
I'd like to.
I've got Tim on line one.
He's got another pub quiz question.
- Bring it on! - For those who have just joined us, we are in preparation for tomorrow night's legendary John Peel Pub Quiz, challenging you to beat Team Captain Cox with your question.
Three years undefeated.
You're not going anywhere, are you, John? No.
I'm going to stay here with you, cos you're brilliant.
Thanks, John.
I think you're really good-looking.
OK, stop flirting.
Tim, what's your question? Which Beatles song did the Lost Dogs cover on their album Little Red Riding Hood? - I'm A Loser.
- That's right, and you are a loser, and you're going to lose tomorrow when the big dog takes the prize! Westwood.
What's it like being on a real radio station for once? An interesting sensation, talking on the radio when no-one's listening.
Takes off the pressure.
So are you phoning to concede defeat now? John Peel's coming back to his rightful home tomorrow night! Oh, yeah? What about that, John? Don't send me home with Westwood! He's a bellend.
Whatever, boy! By the way, good luck in the bonus round.
Bonus round? What bonus round? Westwood? - Tim Westwood there! - I've got 1978 on the phone.
One of the beards is missing.
Transcrip: Chocolate I'll have a cider and Jane Jane? Jesus, Jane, have a night off! Jane will have a vodka tonic.
Where have you been? I've been try to get to the bottom of this bonus round.
I will not have my John Peel taken away from me.
I want us to be together for ever! I love you.
- I love you too, John.
- Seriously, you can't do the voice thing - when you don't have him with you.
- Why not? - Just plain creepy.
- Right.
Daddy's got to see a man about a big dog.
Skin FM DJ, right? Linday.
Linley.
Lizzie.
Yeah, right.
I'm Izzy.
That's why I remembered your name, like, Lizzie.
Great.
Love the show.
I'm a producer.
TV.
And great, I was going to call you.
Seriously, I'm not lying.
Look, you're in my pad.
It's weird, isn't it? I'm doing this thing with Sarah Champion from Absolute Radio.
It's called The Hole.
Shall I say no? - He's lovely.
- No, he's not.
He's a twat! He just dropped me in it.
We're meant to be filming this pilot tomorrow - and now he can't do it! - OK, well, good luck with that.
So, do you wanna do it? What? - Wait and see.
I made you laugh.
- Yes, you're very charming.
Well done.
- You're very beautiful.
- Oh, please! Seriously.
You've got this sexy, sophisticated confidence.
- It's what I love about older women.
- Excuse me? - Look at this face.
What do you see? - Hair.
Mostly hair.
Wrong.
You see the new face of music television.
- I see it! - I just got offered my own pilot, - so I'll be shooting that tomorrow.
- Is this The Hole? Yeah, why, have you heard? Yeah, they asked me about that, but I've got this thing going on with MTV Sick! Sick! But they got me locked in, so But that's good, man.
- I'm pretty excited about it.
- How old do I look to you? Fifty.
- That guy called me an older woman.
- You are an older woman.
No compared to Daniel Radcliffe over there.
That's your thing! You love fresh meat.
Remember when we bumped into McFly at the BRITS? We thought we'd have to restrain you.
Skins.
So you like to drink from the fountain of youth? - So how low do you go? - Ades, you're 17.
- You're not even allowed in here! - Daisy let me in at the fire exit! Well, you got your look down, yeah? What? Radio, LC.
You know what I'm saying.
This is TV, baby! It's a visual medium.
You got to make a statement, or you gonna stick with the hobo chic thing? Seriously.
Has no-one seen a beard before? I'm just saying, find your look.
Thank you, Trinny, but I think I can dress myself.
You look like you're wearing a burka made of pubes.
Hello, Bacon.
Dom? What are you doing here? - What's the bonus round? - I don't know what you're talking about? - Do you listen to my show? - No.
You just listen tomorrow.
If you don't tell me, I'll tell everyone what really happened between you and Terence Trent D'Arby at the Isle of Wight Festival.
It's hip hop, all right? It's hip hop.
Please don't tell anyone that story.
It's it.
Morning, Jane.
Everything all right? Good.
Good.
Laugh it up, Jane.
Laugh it up.
It's my look, OK? It's fresh.
I'm making a statement.
People laughed at Russell Brand.
But look around you.
Everybody's dressing like a scarecrow at a funeral now.
Fucking hip hop! I'm screwed.
Tim Westwood's the gatekeeper of British hip hop.
Fuc - What have you come as? - It's my look.
That's Burt Reynold's look.
It's like you've got a roadsweeper out your nose.
You look like you just drunk a pint of shit! Enough! OK? Hey, Neil, is that the Thai bride you ordered? Bottom half of your beard's fallen off.
For fuck's sake So, Jane, Jane.
Do you fancy a little something this morning? - Tea? Coffee? - Coffee.
- Do you like it black? - No.
As usual, milk and two.
I'm telling you, Ades is flirting with me! Jane, go for a man your own age! If you can find any still alive! I think Patrick Moore is single.
Seriously, did you not see him? He's getting you a coffee.
He's a runner.
All right.
There's a package from Nintendo at Reception.
I don't believe it! I talked about a Wii and I got one! I'm spending the whole of tonight's show talking about Kelly Brook.
Yes, very fu The height of humour.
- Nice.
- Don't start.
I'm serious.
That is doah! Really? You don't think it's a bit? You're like a rock-and-roll Poirot in this bish.
It's for the pilot, yeah? What are you going to wear? I've got a whole ensemble worked out.
It's really going to make a statement.
It's "book".
You know your hip hop.
What are you doing this evening? Daisy, you're young.
I need you to do me a favour.
Nice tache! - Thanks.
It's my new look.
- Ball cancer? - Sorry? - You raising money for ball cancer? They get celebrities to grow a moustache.
It's not for ball cancer.
It's actually for this new TV show I'm doing.
TV? You're going to be a TV star? You're gonna get all famous and hang out with celebrities and be pictured in the Metro, falling at night-club, and get star-fucked by loads of beautiful women, until one day you pick a wrong one who accuses you of sexual assault, and though you're found innocent, your mates won't look at you the same way.
You'll lose your job and work at an estate agent's, but you'll say you're a property developer because you're just so embarrassed that you work at Foxton's.
Yeah, it was the telly! But I need you to do something for me.
I need you to get me an outfit for the show, something that's cool with an edge, something that says, "Hi, I'm Lindsay Carol, "and I'm on the fucking television!" Something that goes with this.
If not for me, do it for John.
I'd love to help, but I'm doing this Make A Wish thing tonight.
Make A Wish? I'll make a wish.
I wish you do the quiz with me tonight.
- These kids are terminally ill.
- Exactly! You can't help them.
But me and John Look, sorry, bro.
Where am I gonna find someone who knows about hip-hop by tonight? Whassup, whassup, whassup? - What's going on? - Yeah, I've been good.
Dom, you remember my boy Sway? Hello, mate! Wouldn't mind putting my junk in that trunk.
I don't want a man coming on to me.
I have had some experience of men! That's like saying Dawn French has some experience of cake.
He wanted to put his junk in my trunk.
Maybe he does want to store something in your car.
Hi guy.
Sway's gonna appear on the show tonight.
Great.
This has nothing to do with your pub quiz? How dare you! OK, so time's nearly up.
We're going to finish with a track from the main man Sway, our special guest who we hijacked from Topher Kiefer today.
Sway, the secret weapon that will lead to Westwood's imminent defeat! A reminder, we are not live, so please don't text or call.
When you are listening to this, we shall be competing at a pub quiz.
- Winning a pub quiz! - Damn right.
Westwood, here we come.
Sway will then be fully operational! Ades, this has got to stop.
I'm very flattered I am old enough to be your older sister.
If my sister was as fit as you, I would have been banged up by now! How did you get him to do the quiz? You're giving him the suit? What's the deal with that thing? Looks like an S&M Santa costume.
That thing is a piece of comedy history.
Eddie Murphy, Delirious.
"Women throw pussy at me on the street like frisbees! That is the actual suit that he wore.
Well, that's not.
That's a replica worn by a lookalike.
But still, that is an actual replica.
You can't give him the suit, man.
That's your prize possession.
This is my prize possession.
I'm being sexually harassed by a child.
- He's like a reverse paedophile? - It's not funny.
It's quite funny.
When I was a kid, we got loads of trouble with trick-or-treaters.
One year my dad decided to answer the door just wearing a vest.
No trousers, no pants.
Never bothered us again.
You mean, I should take off my pants? Scare him off.
You come on to HIM.
I'm not coming on to Ades.
He's like ten years old.
You look amazing! - Really? You don't think it's too much? - No! You wanted to make a statement.
I'm not quite sure what the statement is.
Guys, that's nice, isn't it? - The T's off the hook, man.
- Ah, cool.
Do it! Thanks, Daise.
All right, guys, see you later.
I'm just off to become a TV star.
I'll send you a postcard from Famousland! Out! I love that geezer, but he is a tool.
Dom, those things have safety straps for a reason.
- You're such a gay! - Don't shoot the safety messenger.
Happy? Shit! Sway, look at me.
How many fingers am I holding up? What's my name? When did Run-DMC release their eponymous debut album? A&E, please mate.
At least you get to keep your Eddie Murphy suit.
Lizzie! Hi! Great to have you.
I'm so glad you could do this.
Greta tache.
I like taches.
How you doing? You doing well? We're gonna kick off as soon as possible.
You've done autocue before, right? Sarah, here, in make-up.
This is Lindsay.
- First TV gig, eh? - First of many, me thinks.
- It's very different to radio.
- I'll be all right.
- Are you at the pub quiz tonight? - Sure am.
- Gonna kick your ass.
- Let's see.
See you on the floor.
Have you eaten? Food? Coffee? Coffee.
Dan, coffee for Lindsay! Studio crew are through here.
Come and meet them.
Everybody, this is Sarah's co-presenter, from Skin FM.
- It's Lindsay Carol.
- Hi! - But they're young! - Yeah.
Can I take your coat? I'm going to leave it on.
It's kind of my look.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- What? Look at him.
This man know his hip hop.
He's a hip hop hobo.
Because a man has a hood and a ghetto blaster doesn't make him an expert.
- That's racist.
- How is that racist? Having a wide knowledge of hip hop is a positive thing.
- He's a complement.
It's good racism.
- Good racism? Plus he's probably got a large penis and a great sense of rhythm.
Good racism.
You don't know this guy.
You got him of the streets.
He could be a criminal.
Because he's black? That, Jane, is bad racism.
You're a bad racist.
Ridiculous! I am black.
By your logic, I should be a hip hop expert.
- Why don't you ask me? - Cos you're a racist.
Three two one, and cue, Lindsay.
And after the break, we're going to be joined by Hot Ship Shit.
Sorry.
I couldn't read it I say Chip - OK.
And cut.
- Good one! - You try doing this! - What, reading? OK, and go again.
Don't fuck it up this time, Magnum! What are you? Ten? How do you even know who Magnum is? And action! And after the break we're going to be joined by Hot Chip and they'll be telling us all about their new album.
- Isn't that right, Sarah? - It certainly is.
And Kooks tell us how they're gearing up for the festivals.
Join us after the break for us and Hot Ship, Chip.
Chip.
Shit.
Sorry.
I said Ship.
Let's take a break.
Terminate everyone.
Bell end! OK, I have some questions here.
Motherfuck! - What's going on? - The hip hop hobo stole my suit! It's over.
My expert's gone, I'm gonna lose and they're gonna take my John Peel away from me! Desperate time calls for desperate measures.
I'm gonna need your help.
So, Paddy, they paying you in potatoes for this? What happened to your arm? Did your dad break it when he threw you out? My dad died in Iraq.
- Sorry.
- Not really, you dick! He's a plumber.
Why don't you take your coat off? - Look, give me your T-shirt.
- What? - I'll give you ten quid.
- Why do you want it? That's a cock.
Shh! I know it is! - £50.
- Fifty You It's Primark.
It's only worth £4.
£4 to me £50 to you.
Pull it over your head! - Give me the money.
- I'll give you the money after.
Which producer sings the chorus on Nas's The World Is Yours? - That's a toughie, isn't it, Timothy? - I'm built for this! Did you get that, Neal? Pete Rock.
Over.
- Yo, Jane.
How about a drink? - Ades, you're underage.
I got someone to buy it for me.
You need to scare him off.
You need to take your pants off.
Thank you.
- I'm Jane, Lindsay's producer.
- Right.
He told me about what happened earlier today.
- It was all a big misunderstanding.
- It did look a bit odd.
Well, he is a bit odd! He should stick to radio.
I'll see you back in there.
Yo, got you a drink.
I didn't spike it.
Or did I? Where you going, baby? This is where the party's at.
Why eat sheep when you can have lamb? - Fine, let's do this.
- What? Come on, then.
You say you want it.
Do it.
- Look, maybe I am a bit young.
- I thought you were a man! Give it to me! Put your junk in my trunk! - My junk can't ready you.
- I want your junk! We come to the winners.
Let's go babe! That's us, that's us! In first place, we have a tie.
Westwood's Big Dogs.
And Cox's Cocks.
Go on, Tim! Do it! Neil.
You ready? OK.
Shoot.
So, baby, you and me.
Interesting bonus round.
Right, Timothy? - Who told you? - I don't reveal my sources.
- Was it Bacon Boy? - Yeah.
I'll have your pork chops later! So that's the one who squealed.
Here is your tie break.
Here we go.
Bells at the ready.
I'm here for my suit.
Where's my suit? What's the title of the fourth Public Enemy album? Our bell first! Let's hear it, Dom.
What is the title of the fourth Public Enemy album? No, seriously, the suit was stolen by a hobo.
Listen, my man broke my nose.
Now, where's my suit? - Yes, the answer to that question is - I'll have to hurry you.
The answer is Come on, son! Is it Please Don't Hurt Me? Bye, John.
Bye, Dom.
You really let me down.
Fucking prick! Motherf Strip him! Go for his trousers! Rip 'em! Rip 'em! Oh, God! What is wrong with you people?