Fool Britannia (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 Fool Britannia.
Hello? 'Welcome to Fool Britannia' No! '.
.
with me, Dom Joly.
' Morning.
'I've spent the best part of a year travelling the length and breadth of our fair isle' Come on, honey.
'.
.
poking fun at us Brits.
' Get outta here! Not in front of the kids.
'Armed with hidden cameras and a host of disguises' Duck fight! '.
.
I've unleashed an army of brand-new characters designed to shine a light on the comedy state of a nation.
' I need some mead.
'No-one and nowhere is safe.
' Guppy fish! Everyone out of the water.
Now! 'And my mission is clear: to cause chaos in every corner of the land.
' You're a bloody fool.
Smile, is good.
Oh, yay! no-one's really sure what they do, or why they do it - and who's paying them In a modern world, dominated by social media, is there really any point to them any more?' Are you using the cash point? Yeah.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Man uses cash point, pin code zero six four two! All is well.
You're Goths are you? Not quite.
Why? We're not really in a category.
OK.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Goth couple deny being Goths! 'We don't really fit into a category,' they claim! I think they're Goths.
All is well.
You're brave, having a picnic in this weather.
You weren't tempted by going indoors? £2 for a brew! Yeah.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! 'Tight Northern couple claim it's too expensive to eat indoors.
'£2 for a brew,' and I quote.
All is well.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Woman trains tiny little dogs to be killers! If a dog's smaller than a cat, it's not a dog! All is well.
Hello.
Hello.
Are you foreigners? Yeah.
Where are you from? Germany.
Germany.
Lovely.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Germans in the square! Warning! Warning! Germans in the square! All is well.
We're all friends now.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Monk and wife not happy with town crier! Town crier not sure monks should have wives.
All is well.
'The ASBO vicar: alone, he's childish' Hey, look at me, I'm an ambulance driver! '.
.
aggressiveand immature.
' Come on! 'Put him in a group and he's even worse.
' We've got some chimneys up there.
Do you know how many chimneys we've got up there? Three.
Three, that's good.
Very good chimney observation.
These are ducks here.
I think, really, ducks are important for us.
Bundle! Come on! Come on! Bundle! Thank you.
Off you go.
'And it's not just old men who'd better watch out.
' Let's go.
Go, go, go! There she is.
Get her! Go on, you! She doesn't turn up to church.
Go on, then.
Yes! Just a bit of that.
Go on! Go on! I didn't see you there on Sunday.
Go on, hop it.
See you in church.
Yes, go on! Scarper! 'If you're a foreign tourist visiting London, one thing you really must try and do is see a West End show' Tickets! Most expensive in the West End! Tickets! '.
.
a fact that some less scrupulous traders are very happy to exploit.
' How much for Wicked, the matinee? How much - Oh, yeah, for Wicked? I've got some tickets I sell, but they don't have the best view of the stage, but they're quite cheap.
Quite cheap.
Yeah, £10.
£10.
But you can't really see the stage.
You're about half a mile away, but is that what you want? Yes, £10.
And there's quite a lot of building work going on, so it's structurally quite unsound and there's no actual seating.
You're just sort of standing in a queue.
If that's OK? That's OK.
Yeah.
And, lastly, the show actually won't be happening when you're there.
There'll be no-one there apart from you.
That's fine? Yeah.
I'm just checking, yeah? You're gonna have no seats, you're only going to be able to see the stage through binoculars, there won't actually be a production going on and there's a lot of building work.
You might have to wear hard hats and, at certain stages, run from the building in panic.
With that in mind, are you happy to go ahead? OK.
Great.
Cool.
So that's £10 each and then £420 theatre tax on top.
I can give it to you for 450 quid all in.
OK.
Brilliant.
Well, that'll be £450 - actually, let's call it £500, it's easier.
£500, please.
Yeah.
So we'll need 480 more pounds.
Here, what are you doing there, you (BLEEP)? Why don't you (BLEEP) off? I've got right to roam.
Right to roam? That's right.
(BLEEP) off and roam somewhere else.
'We all have accidents but, for one particular guy in the Bournemouth area, being in the wrong place at the wrong time is a daily occurrence.
' Hello.
Hello.
I suppose you're probably wondering how this happened.
How did it happen? Do you know the singer Justin Bieber? Uh-huh.
Well, I'm the spitting image of him and I was at the hotel where he was staying and I made the mistake of coming out at the wrong time and I got absolutely swamped by a manic group of his fans.
They're called Beliebers.
I just got trampled on.
It was like a stampede.
Dreadful.
And he, of course, he left from the back entrance.
And he was all right.
He was fine, you know, he didn't care.
Oh, God.
All I wanted was a card from Bieber just saying sorry, but nothing.
He's too busy.
Too busy dancing and singing and flicking his silly hair.
I hope it mends soon for you.
Three-and-a-half years and I'll be right as rain.
Hopefully, Justin Bieber won't be popular then, so it'll be a little less hassle from the ladies.
Are you Beliebers? Church of Scotland, Presbyterian.
Oh, no, no, I meant do you believe in Bieber? No.
OK, nor do I, not any more.
Bye-bye, then.
All right, see you.
Mustn't grumble.
'To Blackpool Zoo.
With over 1,000 animals, there's plenty to keep visitors occupied.
If you're really lucky, you might even get to meet their Cuban talking parrot.
' Hello.
Hello.
Do you want some nuts? I want some nuts and I want 'em now, lady! Oooh! Are you actually talking? Yes.
Hello little boy with Mickey Mouse shirt.
Habla Espanol? Si.
It's so nice to speak to somebody who speak-a my language.
Wait.
Don't move.
There is a strange girl with red hair next to you, listening to our conversation.
What did he say? She look angry.
She's making strange noises now, the girl.
Come on, Nathan.
We don't care.
Oh, does she go? Nathan, OK, now we talk.
Tell him off, he's being Would you sing me a song, please, while I flap my wings? We will, we will rock you! OK, Connor, please, anything but something by Queen.
All right.
At home, I play their CD, and I go OK, Connor, you're singing Queen again.
What is the problem here? Do some tricks.
I'm a talking parrot, what more you want? I am eating my food now.
Can you do that, Connor? See, a parrot is just better than you.
Did you just get mud on your face? Nathan, is time for you decide.
You love the parrot or the lady? See you later, sucker.
Bye! Adios, beautiful lady.
Leg it! 'That's it for Part One' Oh, yay! Oh, yay! '.
.
but join us after the break for much more.
' I love Scotchland.
'See you then.
' Hang in there.
Oh, yay! 'Welcome back to Fool Britannia' Are you happy to go ahead? What did he say? '.
.
the hidden camera show with a uniquely British flavour.
' Bundle! 'From Beatle boots to shell suits, Liverpool has contributed much to British fashion, but now there's a new craze sweeping the town, courtesy of Health and Safety Officer Ian Yard.
' Afternoon, madam.
Hello.
How are you? Fine, thanks.
My name's Ian Yard, I'm from the council.
Environmental Health Special Ops.
I'm just wondering whether you thought at all about danger in your surroundings here? Erm If you looked around here now, what would you assess as a danger? The pigeons? Well, pigeons obviously are nasty little plague-carriers, but that's not really what I can do anything about.
I'm talking more about your surroundings.
If you look above you The lamp? What would happen if that fell on your head? It would hurt, wouldn't it? It might.
Yeah.
I'm gonna give you one of these.
If you put it on So these are liquorice allsorts to you, but they also have exactly the same density as a brick.
Say there was building work above you and a brick fell on you and you weren't wearing that, it would go through your head, wouldn't it? Watch what happens when it goes here.
Just turn that way.
One more.
One more.
One more.
Last one.
Did you feel any pain? No.
No.
And that's why I'm suggesting that, if you sit here in future, you wear one of these.
I've now given you the option of safety and that's all my job's about.
OK.
OK.
Would you like a liquorice allsort? I don't eat sweets.
OK.
All right, well, stay safe anyway.
'We're back in the fair city of York' Oh, yay! '.
.
where the town crier is still hard at work annoying people.
' Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Hands up who likes folk music! No? Me neither.
All is well.
'But try not to be too hard on the guy.
It's not an easy life.
' Are you all right? Yeah.
Busy being a town crier.
Is it? Not as easy as it looks.
Are you local? No, I'm from Leicester.
Are you? Mm.
What are you doing here? I'm down for the day.
Anything you don't like about York? Not yet, no.
Not yet.
You get the feeling, generally, that you like it.
Well, I like Yorkshire people.
Do you? They're a bit friendly.
You think they're friendlier than the southerners? Yeah.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Visitor from Leicester announces she likes York! Especially Yorkshire people.
A lot friendlier than those southerners! So, yeah.
Have you been doing this long, then? Too long, to be honest.
Yeah? It just gets tiring.
I just long to have a normal conversation with someone.
I just have to tell everyone everything all the time.
When I was courting mywell, now wife, it was embarrassing, cos obviously you'd pluck up the courage to say how you felt about her, then you'd have to shout it to everyone, you know.
It just seemed ridiculous.
Some women might like that, declaring your love for somebody.
Yeah, but it got a bit graphic, you know.
So it was just There are certain things that you shouldn't share.
That's true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you married? Yea No, separated.
Oh, dear.
So you're single now, then? Single and out, looking for something.
OK.
Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Important news! Ginger tourist from Leicester: separated, single and available and is looking for someone.
There you go.
There you go.
Please, don't rush (!) Yorkshire folk are quiet.
They'll take a bit of time.
Is that a paid job? Sort of.
I get given a town crier's room and the bell comes free and I get fed pies in the evening.
What more do you need? Room, bell and pies.
That's it.
Well, you do it very good.
Thank you very much.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Where are you off to now? Up here.
Just up here.
OK, take care.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Town crier finishes long and interesting conversation with ginger Leicester woman.
She's off.
All is well.
Anyone know where we can get a burrito? 'American tourists.
What they lack in knowledge' Let's say we're not into Shakespeare between you and me, we is not.
'.
.
they make up for with enthusiasm.
' I love Scotchland.
I love it.
'So, on arrival in Edinburgh, it's understandable they might turn to the locals for advice.
' I'm sorry to disturb you, are you from Scotland? We certainly are.
OK.
Is there an escalator that goes up to the castle? Why would they build that on the hill? And expect people to walk up it? It's not How long have you been here? We're doing a little tour of - Europe.
We're doing Edinburgh.
She's going home, she's had enough.
I don't get it.
She's never left South Carolina.
It's just dark.
I need some sun.
She's not a cultured woman.
I'm used to the pool.
Can I just say it's nice to see two gentlemen not wearing skirts? We've seen a couple of those.
In South Carolina, that would not go down well.
No.
But we're in someone else's country.
Where are you staying? We're staying at a hotel on the other side of the Grassmarket, but there's no market, there's no grass, so I don't get that.
Could you just say hello to our son Bradley? He's an American.
He misses us.
Yes, he does.
Say hello.
Bradley, these are two old gentlemen we met in Scotchland.
Watch the old.
Watch that.
If you could speak English, it'd be great.
Don't speak Scotch.
OK.
Hello, Bradley.
Greetings from Edinburgh.
Say good luck with the dancing.
He's down to the last 2,000 for the Lady Gaga tour.
He's a homosexual.
We're OK with that.
We're OK with that.
OK, how do you say goodbye, in Scotch? It would be 'Bye'.
Yes, goodbye.
Goodbye.
OK, nice meeting you, sir.
Cheerio, now.
OK.
What lovely gentlemen.
They're nice, old people.
'21st-century London has so much to offer the modern visitor, but the latest attractions are not necessarily the best.
There's still a lot to be said for good, old-fashioned fun.
' Hello, love.
I don't know if you know, but someone's put a plastic bag on your head.
So do you have anything for The Lion King? The Lion King? Yeah.
You wanna see that? It's a bunch of lions dancing and singing.
That's the sort of thing you like? Yeah.
You want a proper English experience.
Don't go to a musical.
I've got, like, cock fighting, bear baiting.
No, no.
You don't like that sort of stuff? Burning a witch, Saturday night on Primrose Hill? We've got a wicker man going up.
What's that? They get sort of one of the bad men from the village, put him in a wicker man and just burn 'em up.
Oh, I don't - That's £10 a go and you can see that.
No restricted viewing, nothing.
You can be right at the front, hear the screams.
You're a good salesman.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, but have a think, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, love.
'Our Olympic athletes have done Britain proud this summer.
Behind every one, there is a vast support network helping them win and that includes their neighbours.
' Hello.
Hello.
I've got a delivery for next door, 15, they're not in.
Can I leave it with you or? Is it for these? Yeah, them.
It's some sort of I think, must be a pole vault pole.
I don't know what it is.
I just need someone to sign it, otherwise I'm not gonna get paid.
Is that all right? I don't know, it's a bit I can't take this back.
Are you sure there's no-one in the other side? Absolutely certain.
I've knocked everywhere.
I tried to put it through the letter box, but I hit something and it broke, so I'm not gonna do that again.
I tell you what, why don't you say, 'Signed, but will not keep'? How's that? All I need is proof that I got it here, otherwise they think I chucked it somewhere on the way.
That's fine.
And all you do is sign there.
Delivered but not accepted.
That's fair enough, yeah.
I don't want you to get in any trouble.
Yeah.
All right, so let's Let's push it up like that.
Where's it going? Hey? I don't know, as far up as you can.
I'm not I'm not having it here.
Hang on.
Let's just see if it fits.
You said I wasn't accepting it.
No, you're not accepting it, but it's delivered.
There we go.
Look at that.
That's bang-on.
It's not staying here.
No, of course not.
It's not for you, it's for them.
All right? Thank you.
'Finally, to Cornwall, a county famed for its smugglers and pirates.
To this day, there are still people who play the black market game.
Even in the most surprising of goods.
' He's a good-looking little dog, isn't he? Yeah.
Stop it.
Yeah, I know what he wants.
Have you got any plans for tea? No, not really.
I don't know if I can interest you in some cake.
I've got Lady Baltimore, Battenberg, Bath-like cake, carrot cake, cheesecake, chiffon cake, Madeira cake I'm fine, thank you.
Welsh cake, moon cake, cup cake No, thanks.
.
.
red bean cake, upside-down cake, Tunis cake.
No.
No, we're fine, thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
I've got some Swedish cake.
It's made of herrings.
No, that doesn't sound very nice.
Panettone.
It's like flan, but Italian.
French fancy, fat rascal - No.
No? All right.
You're not cake people, then? No.
Not really.
All right, no big deal.
Dundee cake, Eccles, Kendal mint, chocolate cake, no? How do you carry all that lot, then? It's just what I've been doing all my life, you know.
Pineapple upside-down cake .
.
Jaffa cakes.
No, really.
Just to let you know, I'll be along here at seven if you want biscuits.
And, eight o'clock, I do preserves and chutneys, yeah.
I'll remember that.
Yeah.
Thank you anyway.
That's all right.
I'm always here if you need cake.
Right.
You know where to come.
I know where to come.
First one's for free, then you're mine.
All right, see you later.
Cheers.
'Sadly, that's all we've got time for today.
' No! No? 'But join us again next week, as we continue to fool Britannia.
' You're gonna have a wheel-y good experience.
What the hell, you rocket scientist or what? 'See you then.
'
Hello? 'Welcome to Fool Britannia' No! '.
.
with me, Dom Joly.
' Morning.
'I've spent the best part of a year travelling the length and breadth of our fair isle' Come on, honey.
'.
.
poking fun at us Brits.
' Get outta here! Not in front of the kids.
'Armed with hidden cameras and a host of disguises' Duck fight! '.
.
I've unleashed an army of brand-new characters designed to shine a light on the comedy state of a nation.
' I need some mead.
'No-one and nowhere is safe.
' Guppy fish! Everyone out of the water.
Now! 'And my mission is clear: to cause chaos in every corner of the land.
' You're a bloody fool.
Smile, is good.
Oh, yay! no-one's really sure what they do, or why they do it - and who's paying them In a modern world, dominated by social media, is there really any point to them any more?' Are you using the cash point? Yeah.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Man uses cash point, pin code zero six four two! All is well.
You're Goths are you? Not quite.
Why? We're not really in a category.
OK.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Goth couple deny being Goths! 'We don't really fit into a category,' they claim! I think they're Goths.
All is well.
You're brave, having a picnic in this weather.
You weren't tempted by going indoors? £2 for a brew! Yeah.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! 'Tight Northern couple claim it's too expensive to eat indoors.
'£2 for a brew,' and I quote.
All is well.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Woman trains tiny little dogs to be killers! If a dog's smaller than a cat, it's not a dog! All is well.
Hello.
Hello.
Are you foreigners? Yeah.
Where are you from? Germany.
Germany.
Lovely.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Germans in the square! Warning! Warning! Germans in the square! All is well.
We're all friends now.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Monk and wife not happy with town crier! Town crier not sure monks should have wives.
All is well.
'The ASBO vicar: alone, he's childish' Hey, look at me, I'm an ambulance driver! '.
.
aggressiveand immature.
' Come on! 'Put him in a group and he's even worse.
' We've got some chimneys up there.
Do you know how many chimneys we've got up there? Three.
Three, that's good.
Very good chimney observation.
These are ducks here.
I think, really, ducks are important for us.
Bundle! Come on! Come on! Bundle! Thank you.
Off you go.
'And it's not just old men who'd better watch out.
' Let's go.
Go, go, go! There she is.
Get her! Go on, you! She doesn't turn up to church.
Go on, then.
Yes! Just a bit of that.
Go on! Go on! I didn't see you there on Sunday.
Go on, hop it.
See you in church.
Yes, go on! Scarper! 'If you're a foreign tourist visiting London, one thing you really must try and do is see a West End show' Tickets! Most expensive in the West End! Tickets! '.
.
a fact that some less scrupulous traders are very happy to exploit.
' How much for Wicked, the matinee? How much - Oh, yeah, for Wicked? I've got some tickets I sell, but they don't have the best view of the stage, but they're quite cheap.
Quite cheap.
Yeah, £10.
£10.
But you can't really see the stage.
You're about half a mile away, but is that what you want? Yes, £10.
And there's quite a lot of building work going on, so it's structurally quite unsound and there's no actual seating.
You're just sort of standing in a queue.
If that's OK? That's OK.
Yeah.
And, lastly, the show actually won't be happening when you're there.
There'll be no-one there apart from you.
That's fine? Yeah.
I'm just checking, yeah? You're gonna have no seats, you're only going to be able to see the stage through binoculars, there won't actually be a production going on and there's a lot of building work.
You might have to wear hard hats and, at certain stages, run from the building in panic.
With that in mind, are you happy to go ahead? OK.
Great.
Cool.
So that's £10 each and then £420 theatre tax on top.
I can give it to you for 450 quid all in.
OK.
Brilliant.
Well, that'll be £450 - actually, let's call it £500, it's easier.
£500, please.
Yeah.
So we'll need 480 more pounds.
Here, what are you doing there, you (BLEEP)? Why don't you (BLEEP) off? I've got right to roam.
Right to roam? That's right.
(BLEEP) off and roam somewhere else.
'We all have accidents but, for one particular guy in the Bournemouth area, being in the wrong place at the wrong time is a daily occurrence.
' Hello.
Hello.
I suppose you're probably wondering how this happened.
How did it happen? Do you know the singer Justin Bieber? Uh-huh.
Well, I'm the spitting image of him and I was at the hotel where he was staying and I made the mistake of coming out at the wrong time and I got absolutely swamped by a manic group of his fans.
They're called Beliebers.
I just got trampled on.
It was like a stampede.
Dreadful.
And he, of course, he left from the back entrance.
And he was all right.
He was fine, you know, he didn't care.
Oh, God.
All I wanted was a card from Bieber just saying sorry, but nothing.
He's too busy.
Too busy dancing and singing and flicking his silly hair.
I hope it mends soon for you.
Three-and-a-half years and I'll be right as rain.
Hopefully, Justin Bieber won't be popular then, so it'll be a little less hassle from the ladies.
Are you Beliebers? Church of Scotland, Presbyterian.
Oh, no, no, I meant do you believe in Bieber? No.
OK, nor do I, not any more.
Bye-bye, then.
All right, see you.
Mustn't grumble.
'To Blackpool Zoo.
With over 1,000 animals, there's plenty to keep visitors occupied.
If you're really lucky, you might even get to meet their Cuban talking parrot.
' Hello.
Hello.
Do you want some nuts? I want some nuts and I want 'em now, lady! Oooh! Are you actually talking? Yes.
Hello little boy with Mickey Mouse shirt.
Habla Espanol? Si.
It's so nice to speak to somebody who speak-a my language.
Wait.
Don't move.
There is a strange girl with red hair next to you, listening to our conversation.
What did he say? She look angry.
She's making strange noises now, the girl.
Come on, Nathan.
We don't care.
Oh, does she go? Nathan, OK, now we talk.
Tell him off, he's being Would you sing me a song, please, while I flap my wings? We will, we will rock you! OK, Connor, please, anything but something by Queen.
All right.
At home, I play their CD, and I go OK, Connor, you're singing Queen again.
What is the problem here? Do some tricks.
I'm a talking parrot, what more you want? I am eating my food now.
Can you do that, Connor? See, a parrot is just better than you.
Did you just get mud on your face? Nathan, is time for you decide.
You love the parrot or the lady? See you later, sucker.
Bye! Adios, beautiful lady.
Leg it! 'That's it for Part One' Oh, yay! Oh, yay! '.
.
but join us after the break for much more.
' I love Scotchland.
'See you then.
' Hang in there.
Oh, yay! 'Welcome back to Fool Britannia' Are you happy to go ahead? What did he say? '.
.
the hidden camera show with a uniquely British flavour.
' Bundle! 'From Beatle boots to shell suits, Liverpool has contributed much to British fashion, but now there's a new craze sweeping the town, courtesy of Health and Safety Officer Ian Yard.
' Afternoon, madam.
Hello.
How are you? Fine, thanks.
My name's Ian Yard, I'm from the council.
Environmental Health Special Ops.
I'm just wondering whether you thought at all about danger in your surroundings here? Erm If you looked around here now, what would you assess as a danger? The pigeons? Well, pigeons obviously are nasty little plague-carriers, but that's not really what I can do anything about.
I'm talking more about your surroundings.
If you look above you The lamp? What would happen if that fell on your head? It would hurt, wouldn't it? It might.
Yeah.
I'm gonna give you one of these.
If you put it on So these are liquorice allsorts to you, but they also have exactly the same density as a brick.
Say there was building work above you and a brick fell on you and you weren't wearing that, it would go through your head, wouldn't it? Watch what happens when it goes here.
Just turn that way.
One more.
One more.
One more.
Last one.
Did you feel any pain? No.
No.
And that's why I'm suggesting that, if you sit here in future, you wear one of these.
I've now given you the option of safety and that's all my job's about.
OK.
OK.
Would you like a liquorice allsort? I don't eat sweets.
OK.
All right, well, stay safe anyway.
'We're back in the fair city of York' Oh, yay! '.
.
where the town crier is still hard at work annoying people.
' Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Hands up who likes folk music! No? Me neither.
All is well.
'But try not to be too hard on the guy.
It's not an easy life.
' Are you all right? Yeah.
Busy being a town crier.
Is it? Not as easy as it looks.
Are you local? No, I'm from Leicester.
Are you? Mm.
What are you doing here? I'm down for the day.
Anything you don't like about York? Not yet, no.
Not yet.
You get the feeling, generally, that you like it.
Well, I like Yorkshire people.
Do you? They're a bit friendly.
You think they're friendlier than the southerners? Yeah.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Visitor from Leicester announces she likes York! Especially Yorkshire people.
A lot friendlier than those southerners! So, yeah.
Have you been doing this long, then? Too long, to be honest.
Yeah? It just gets tiring.
I just long to have a normal conversation with someone.
I just have to tell everyone everything all the time.
When I was courting mywell, now wife, it was embarrassing, cos obviously you'd pluck up the courage to say how you felt about her, then you'd have to shout it to everyone, you know.
It just seemed ridiculous.
Some women might like that, declaring your love for somebody.
Yeah, but it got a bit graphic, you know.
So it was just There are certain things that you shouldn't share.
That's true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you married? Yea No, separated.
Oh, dear.
So you're single now, then? Single and out, looking for something.
OK.
Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Important news! Ginger tourist from Leicester: separated, single and available and is looking for someone.
There you go.
There you go.
Please, don't rush (!) Yorkshire folk are quiet.
They'll take a bit of time.
Is that a paid job? Sort of.
I get given a town crier's room and the bell comes free and I get fed pies in the evening.
What more do you need? Room, bell and pies.
That's it.
Well, you do it very good.
Thank you very much.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Where are you off to now? Up here.
Just up here.
OK, take care.
Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Town crier finishes long and interesting conversation with ginger Leicester woman.
She's off.
All is well.
Anyone know where we can get a burrito? 'American tourists.
What they lack in knowledge' Let's say we're not into Shakespeare between you and me, we is not.
'.
.
they make up for with enthusiasm.
' I love Scotchland.
I love it.
'So, on arrival in Edinburgh, it's understandable they might turn to the locals for advice.
' I'm sorry to disturb you, are you from Scotland? We certainly are.
OK.
Is there an escalator that goes up to the castle? Why would they build that on the hill? And expect people to walk up it? It's not How long have you been here? We're doing a little tour of - Europe.
We're doing Edinburgh.
She's going home, she's had enough.
I don't get it.
She's never left South Carolina.
It's just dark.
I need some sun.
She's not a cultured woman.
I'm used to the pool.
Can I just say it's nice to see two gentlemen not wearing skirts? We've seen a couple of those.
In South Carolina, that would not go down well.
No.
But we're in someone else's country.
Where are you staying? We're staying at a hotel on the other side of the Grassmarket, but there's no market, there's no grass, so I don't get that.
Could you just say hello to our son Bradley? He's an American.
He misses us.
Yes, he does.
Say hello.
Bradley, these are two old gentlemen we met in Scotchland.
Watch the old.
Watch that.
If you could speak English, it'd be great.
Don't speak Scotch.
OK.
Hello, Bradley.
Greetings from Edinburgh.
Say good luck with the dancing.
He's down to the last 2,000 for the Lady Gaga tour.
He's a homosexual.
We're OK with that.
We're OK with that.
OK, how do you say goodbye, in Scotch? It would be 'Bye'.
Yes, goodbye.
Goodbye.
OK, nice meeting you, sir.
Cheerio, now.
OK.
What lovely gentlemen.
They're nice, old people.
'21st-century London has so much to offer the modern visitor, but the latest attractions are not necessarily the best.
There's still a lot to be said for good, old-fashioned fun.
' Hello, love.
I don't know if you know, but someone's put a plastic bag on your head.
So do you have anything for The Lion King? The Lion King? Yeah.
You wanna see that? It's a bunch of lions dancing and singing.
That's the sort of thing you like? Yeah.
You want a proper English experience.
Don't go to a musical.
I've got, like, cock fighting, bear baiting.
No, no.
You don't like that sort of stuff? Burning a witch, Saturday night on Primrose Hill? We've got a wicker man going up.
What's that? They get sort of one of the bad men from the village, put him in a wicker man and just burn 'em up.
Oh, I don't - That's £10 a go and you can see that.
No restricted viewing, nothing.
You can be right at the front, hear the screams.
You're a good salesman.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, but have a think, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, love.
'Our Olympic athletes have done Britain proud this summer.
Behind every one, there is a vast support network helping them win and that includes their neighbours.
' Hello.
Hello.
I've got a delivery for next door, 15, they're not in.
Can I leave it with you or? Is it for these? Yeah, them.
It's some sort of I think, must be a pole vault pole.
I don't know what it is.
I just need someone to sign it, otherwise I'm not gonna get paid.
Is that all right? I don't know, it's a bit I can't take this back.
Are you sure there's no-one in the other side? Absolutely certain.
I've knocked everywhere.
I tried to put it through the letter box, but I hit something and it broke, so I'm not gonna do that again.
I tell you what, why don't you say, 'Signed, but will not keep'? How's that? All I need is proof that I got it here, otherwise they think I chucked it somewhere on the way.
That's fine.
And all you do is sign there.
Delivered but not accepted.
That's fair enough, yeah.
I don't want you to get in any trouble.
Yeah.
All right, so let's Let's push it up like that.
Where's it going? Hey? I don't know, as far up as you can.
I'm not I'm not having it here.
Hang on.
Let's just see if it fits.
You said I wasn't accepting it.
No, you're not accepting it, but it's delivered.
There we go.
Look at that.
That's bang-on.
It's not staying here.
No, of course not.
It's not for you, it's for them.
All right? Thank you.
'Finally, to Cornwall, a county famed for its smugglers and pirates.
To this day, there are still people who play the black market game.
Even in the most surprising of goods.
' He's a good-looking little dog, isn't he? Yeah.
Stop it.
Yeah, I know what he wants.
Have you got any plans for tea? No, not really.
I don't know if I can interest you in some cake.
I've got Lady Baltimore, Battenberg, Bath-like cake, carrot cake, cheesecake, chiffon cake, Madeira cake I'm fine, thank you.
Welsh cake, moon cake, cup cake No, thanks.
.
.
red bean cake, upside-down cake, Tunis cake.
No.
No, we're fine, thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
I've got some Swedish cake.
It's made of herrings.
No, that doesn't sound very nice.
Panettone.
It's like flan, but Italian.
French fancy, fat rascal - No.
No? All right.
You're not cake people, then? No.
Not really.
All right, no big deal.
Dundee cake, Eccles, Kendal mint, chocolate cake, no? How do you carry all that lot, then? It's just what I've been doing all my life, you know.
Pineapple upside-down cake .
.
Jaffa cakes.
No, really.
Just to let you know, I'll be along here at seven if you want biscuits.
And, eight o'clock, I do preserves and chutneys, yeah.
I'll remember that.
Yeah.
Thank you anyway.
That's all right.
I'm always here if you need cake.
Right.
You know where to come.
I know where to come.
First one's for free, then you're mine.
All right, see you later.
Cheers.
'Sadly, that's all we've got time for today.
' No! No? 'But join us again next week, as we continue to fool Britannia.
' You're gonna have a wheel-y good experience.
What the hell, you rocket scientist or what? 'See you then.
'