Foreign Exchange (2004) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(cheerful music)
(upbeat pop music)
(students chattering)
- [Dad] I'm sorry, Hannah, but
my assistant's fallen sick.
- Well, can't somebody
else feed the animals?
- [Dad] Not at this short notice.
(cat meows)
- But Dad, you promised.
- [Dad] Sorry, darling,
er, I have to run, bye bye.
(glass clatters)
(phone clicks)
- Hey, Hannah, what time's
your dad getting here?
- Oh, he's not now.
- Oh, typical, parents are so unreliable.
Anything you want from Dublin?
- No, thanks anyway.
- If you think of anything
over the weekend, just call me.
- Will do (chuckles).
- Mum's got a new credit card.
It'll be a riot, bye!
- Bye.
(cheerful music)
- Ah, another good weekend
with everyone away.
- Yeah, thought I might
go check out the coast.
- Did you now?
- Yeah, well, apart from the school,
I've hardly seen anything of Ireland.
- Oh, you're missing out on
some beautiful scenery, lad.
- So I've heard.
- It's absolutely essential
you should see it.
- Great, well, I'll go clean up, then!
- Ah, but not this weekend.
- What, but you said--
- Sorry, Brett, Miss Murphy's
given us a list of chores
as long as your arm.
- It's not fair.
Everyone else gets a holiday but we don't.
- Mm, luck of the draw, my boy.
No use mourning, though.
We just gotta get stuck into it.
(cheerful music)
(sheep bleating)
- Sorry Dad couldn't come.
He so wanted to show you the coast.
- Wouldn't have mattered anyway.
Seamus has me working the whole time.
- You're kidding.
- No such luck.
- (sighs) Looks like a fun
weekend for both of us, then.
- I'm finished here for the day.
Do you wanna come back
to Perth for a while?
- [Hannah] Sure.
Aren't your parents ever
suspicious about me?
- [Brett] Don't be silly,
they think you're great.
Anyway, why should they
suddenly become suspicious?
- Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
I mean, here's this Irish
girl popped up out of nowhere,
no friends, no family, no address.
- Yeah, but they don't know that.
- Well, I'm thinking it's only
a matter of time before they do.
(portal whooshing)
- Look, Hannah, we've
managed to bluff our way
through everything so far.
All right, we'll just
keep bluffing, it's easy.
- No, Brett, your family aren't dumb.
They're bound to want some
answers sooner or later.
- Listen, Hannah, I know
my family, all right,
and there's gonna be no
problem, so stop worrying!
(upbeat music)
- [Craig] Thinking about taking the yacht
on a trip to Rottnest Island tomorrow.
You guys wanna come?
- Oh, yeah, wicked, I'll be in that.
- Yeah, cool.
Hey, can Hannah come, too?
- Sure, don't see why not.
Meredith's not coming,
plenty of room on board.
- Cool, I've never been on a yacht before.
- See, now you got a
weekend planned after all.
- We'll need your father's permission.
- Oh, he won't mind.
- Oh, even so, I'd like to know
if someone was taking a
child of mine sailing.
- Oh, Mum, she's not a baby.
- It's a matter of safety and politeness.
Now (clears throat), what's his number?
- Oh, he's not gonna be home now.
- Well, get him to give me a
call this evening, all right?
- Okay, I mean--
- Come to think about it,
it's about time we had a chat.
All this time, we've never
met him, never spoken to him.
- (laughs) Yeah, it's like
your dad doesn't even exist.
(all laughing)
- I know my family,
they won't be a problem.
- Hey, it's not my fault, it's your fault.
You said your dad would call.
- What else was I supposed to say?
- Anything but that.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
I'll just say I changed my
mind, I can't go sailing.
- Come on, you can't be
miserable all weekend.
We'll think of something.
- Oh, what are you gonna
do, pretend to be my dad?
- Of course Hannah can
go to Rottnest Island,
and while you're there, do us all a favor
and leave her there, as well.
- Pathetic, now see, if
you can do an Irish accent
like that guy, then we'd be in business.
With their Irish eyes all blue ♪
And the road ♪
- Yeah, yeah, we would, wouldn't we?
- I was just joking.
The road that leads to heaven ♪
- You're not seriously gonna ask him?
The road to Bally ♪
- Brett!
(Brett clapping)
- Oh, that was fantastic,
can I get your autograph?
- (laughs) Very funny, now buzz off.
- No, no, I'm being serious,
you're the best busker
I've seen here this year.
- Name's Fergus O'Flanagan from Limerick.
- I'm Brett Miller and
this is Hannah O'Flaherty.
She's my mate from Ireland.
- O'Flaherty, eh, are
you from the West, then?
- Well, I go to school in the
West, but I'm from Dublin.
- How long you been out here in Perth?
- Er, listen, Fergus, we're wondering
if you could give us a bit of help.
It's (sighs), it's kind
of a family matter.
- I don't do weddings, sorry.
Did one once, it wasn't pretty.
- No (laughs), we want you to be her dad.
(whimsical music)
- Your what?
Let me get this right.
Your dad is in hospital with laryngitis,
and his leg in a cast
from a skiing accident,
and his hand is all banged
up so he can't write.
- Yep, yeah, you've got it.
- And you need his permission
to go on this boat trip.
- I know it sounds
pretty incredible, but--
- It sounds completely incredible.
- But Fergus, I mean,
you're such a great actor,
we figured you could pull it off.
- You're right, but I'll need
something more than flattery.
- How's five bucks sound?
- Not as good as 10.
- You sure you can do this?
- Oh, aye, not a bother.
We'll have this behind us in a jiffy.
What do you think will be better,
a husky older voice or
a more educated voice?
- Do whatever voice you
like, as long as it's Irish.
- Maybe my own voice is best.
(phone ringing)
- Hello, Well Play restaurant.
- Hello, is this Mrs. Payne?
- Yes, it is.
- Hi, this is Fergus O,
what did you say, then?
- Flaherty.
- Fergus O'Flaherty.
I'm the father of my daughter--
- Hannah!
- My daughter Hannah.
- Oh, Hannah's father!
It's so good to finally talk to you.
Fergus, is it?
- That's right.
- Hannah's been spending
quite a bit of time over here
over the last few weeks.
She's a lovely girl.
- So glad you think so.
I just wanted to let you know
that it's perfectly all right
for her to join you on
that boat trip tomorrow.
Not a bother, now, long as she
brings back some nice fish.
- Wonderful, I'm sure
it's gonna be a fun trip.
The kids love going to Rottnest.
- Rottnest, oh, beautiful place.
I've been, been meaning
to go there meself but
not got 'round to it yet.
- [Jackie] Well, why don't you come along?
- I'd love to come, that's very kind,
but sure as day I'd get seasick,
and I'd spoil it for everyone.
Thanks for the invite, though.
- Well, why not come over
for dinner when we get back?
- Dinner, you say.
- Say six o'clock?
- Sounds good to me.
Six it is, bye now!
We're on for dinner tomorrow.
- What, that was not part of the plan!
- No, you're not coming to dinner.
This is gonna be a disaster.
- How so?
- Look, Fergus, this isn't what we agreed.
You're gonna have to
ring her back and cancel.
- (sighs) Ah--
- No, just tell her
something else came up.
- Yeah, some important
appointment or something.
(upbeat music)
- Okay, very good, very good, bye now.
- Well?
- I'm bringing dessert.
- What?
What have you done?
- One, I happen to make
a mean raspberry pie,
and two, don't you be raising
your voice to your da.
Besides, I got you on
that boat trip, didn't I?
(cheerful music)
- [Hannah] I can't believe
I let you talk me into it.
- How was I to know the guy's a fruitcake?
It's not my fault he went nuts.
- Why is it that every time we start off
with a small, little white
lie, it becomes a big lie?
And then, then it becomes a catastrophe!
- How else are we gonna
protect the portal? (sighs)
- Sometimes I think we'd be better off
just telling the whole world.
- No way, look, just hang in there.
We'll get through this one way or another.
- Ah, there you are, Brett.
Right, first job is to get up on the roof
and clean out those gutters, follow me.
- (sighs) Don't forget you're
going on a yacht tomorrow.
It'll be great.
(upbeat rock music)
- Come on, you weakling, lift it.
- There's a chance.
- [Wayne] Wimp.
- Hi.
- You okay?
- Yeah, a bit tired, though.
Seamus worked me like a slaver last night.
- Hear any more from Fergus?
- Just forget about him, okay?
We got a whole day of fun ahead of us.
Come on!
- Hurry up, you lot.
It'll be dark before we
get there at this rate.
(gentle music)
(engine rumbling)
- Come on, Brett, put some effort into it.
- [Brett] So what do you think?
Was I right or was I right?
- (laughs) You were right.
- I told you.
- (laughs) Listen, I've been
thinking about later today.
- And?
- And you know,
all we have to do is make sure
Fergus doesn't say too much.
That way he can't mess things up.
- It's easier to stop a
herd of rampaging buffalo
than to stop Fergus talking.
- Yeah.
- Still, I suppose if we're there
to control the conversation, you know,
make him agree with everything,
then we should be fine.
- Okay, so first, some intense coaching,
then constant supervision
while he's there.
- Yep, right.
- Right.
- We're cheering.
(upbeat music)
- So your da is 43 years old, right?
- Yes, and he works in
a pet shop in Dub, oh--
- Dub-oh (laughs), it's in
Western New South Wales.
- Aha, hmm, this is the
guy that's in hospital
with laryngitis and a broken arm, right?
Does this guy even exist?
- Of course he exists.
- But because these
people have never met him,
I could just kinda make
stuff up about him.
- No (sighs), under no circumstances
are you to do that, okay?
Just go along with whatever we say
and everything will be all right.
- I've gotta go.
Are you gonna be all right
by yourself for a while?
- Yeah, I'm gonna have to be.
Okay, so what kind of
clothes would my dad wear
that we could buy for $12.85?
- I know a very good
opportunity shop near here.
Some of their clothes are
actually quite stylish.
(lawnmower humming)
- Brett, Brett!
Brett!
What are you doing mowing lawns
at this time of the morning?
- Sorry, miss, I've got a lot to do,
but this won't take long.
(upbeat music)
- Your dad's got some dress sense.
- Okay, now remember, let
me and Brett do the talking.
You just go along with whatever we say.
- You can trust me completely.
- Hi, Hannah, hello, I'm Jackie.
- Fergus O'Flana (hisses) Fla-Flaherty.
Delighted to meet you, Jackie.
- (laughs) It's very
nice to meet you, too.
Hannah's told me so much about you.
- Me, too.
Er, by the way, the way I
said my name just there,
that is the old, traditional
ancient Celtic way
of saying our name.
- O'Flana-Fla-Flaherty.
- (laughs) Exactly, very good!
You must have some Irish
in your family, huh?
- Not that I'm aware of (laughs).
- And here is the homemade
raspberry pie that I promised.
Nothing but the finest.
- That's very kind of
you, thank you, thanks.
(whimsical music)
Come and meet the rest of the family.
- Wow, an amazing place you have here.
I mean it, this is great.
- (laughs) Ah, thank you very much.
G'day, I'm Craig.
- Where's Brett?
- He isn't here?
- No, I thought he was with you.
- Oh, well, he's probably
just fallen asleep.
- Oh, typical, I'll go and check.
- I'll go, and Fer,
Dad?
(zipper zips)
(bell dings)
- [Man] So what's for lunch, Jackie?
- [Jackie] I've put together
a platter of local seafood.
(dramatic music)
- Brett, Brett!
- Brett, you haven't seen
Hannah anywhere, have you?
- Hannah?
- Yes.
- Me?
- Yes.
- No, haven't seen her in a while, ages,
no idea where she is.
- Well, if you see her,
could you tell her that her father's here?
- Father?
- Closed up shop for the
day and drove down here,
surprise little visit.
- Yeah, you're not wrong.
- Sorry?
- Ah, she'll be surprised
all right, amazed.
- So if you see Hannah, could you tell her
to come to my office?
- Yeah, even worse.
- Would you like a cup
of tea, Mr. Flaherty?
- Thanks, Miss Murphy, tea sounds great.
(students chattering)
- Hey.
- Brett, where have you been?
Hannah and her father are already here.
Yee, those hands are disgusting.
Go and wash them immediately.
(sighs)
(dynamic music)
- [Wayne] Amazing's what he is.
I've never met anyone like him before.
- (laughs) Yeah, I'll say.
It's not often you get to meet
a vacuum cleaner salesman from the Congo.
That must have been a challenge.
- Well, you know, there's dust everywhere.
That's what we always say to people.
- You never told us these
stories before, Hannah.
- Well (laughs), that's my dad for you.
He's, he's just full of surprises.
- This looks marvelous.
- [Hannah] I think that's the
last surprise tonight, though.
- Oh, Sleeping Beauty finally woke up.
- How are you doing, Mr. O'Flaherty?
- Why, hello there, uh, Brett, isn't it?
- Yes.
- And the new--
- [Craig] Well, now that we're
all here, dig in, everybody.
Can't let it sit around
and get hot (laughs).
- And I was thinking--
- (laughs) Oh, how nice!
Hey, Fergus, I think Brett likes you.
Look what he wrote on Hannah's
plate, Dad OK. (laughs)
(Brett laughs)
- I'm touched.
Thank you, Brett, I
reckon you're okay, too.
- You're welcome.
- So tell us about some more
of the weird jobs you've had.
- Yeah.
- Right,
so after that I became a funambulist.
- A what?
- A tightrope walker.
(Craig laughs)
(Jackie laughs)
- Excuse me, I'm just gonna go
and get the last of the salad.
- And I'll just go to the bathroom.
- There are only very
few positions available
for tightrope walkers.
I don't think I have to point out to you
the competition is tough.
(Jackie laughs)
- What's going on?
- It's about your dad.
- I know, he's completely out of control,
but there's nothing I can do about it.
- Not him, your real dad.
- What about my real dad?
- He's at O'Keeffe's right now.
He came for a surprise visit
and Miss Murphy's looking
for you all over the place.
- What!
- Look,
you've gotta get back there now.
- Man on the street.
- Okay, well,
you stay and mind Fergus and
I'll be back as soon as I can.
(sighs)
(birds chirping)
- Girl's fantastic, of course.
- Dad!
- Surprise!
- Oh! (laughs)
- We were beginning to
think you were lost, Hannah.
- Oh, I just went for a walk (laughs).
It's such a lovely morning.
- Well, I'll leave you two
to your family reunion.
- Thanks, Miss Murphy.
- So what happened?
I thought you said you weren't
able to make it this weekend.
- Well, I found someone to
look after the animals tonight,
so I figured what the heck.
Quite a surprise, eh?
- Oh (laughs), you can
say that again (laughs).
- Thought we might go into
Galway, have a nice lunch.
You haven't eaten yet, have you?
- Lunch, um, no (laughs).
- Good, I'm ravenous.
- Well, let's just have a
bit of a catch-up first.
It's been so long since
we've talked really properly.
- (laughs) You have done
an incredible amount
in your life, Fergus.
- You know what they say,
a second wasted is a second wasted.
(Craig and Fergus laughing)
(Jackie laughing)
- So how old are you?
- Wayne.
- Would you believe only 30?
- Um, but if Hannah's 15--
- No, you didn't let me finish, I'm 37.
- Oh.
- Oh (sighs), I've got to,
uh, you know, all this food.
- Well, I'm so glad you
enjoying yourself here,
and you're looking so well,
almost a bit of a suntan there.
- Oh (laughs), well, you know
me, always out and about.
- Indeed, now I'm starving, lunch?
- Dad, I've just gotta do something.
Um, I'll be right back.
What are you doing back here?
You are supposed to be babysitting Fergus.
- Hannah, you gotta get back
and get him out of there
or he's gonna end up
telling 'em everything.
- And what am I gonna
do about my real dad?
- I'll stall him.
- How?
- No ideas yet, just go.
- Oh, my.
- When Hannah turned eight,
that's when she got really,
no, maybe I shouldn't be telling you this.
It's just too embarrassing.
- Oh, please.
- No, no, go on.
- Well, okay, ah--
- Hiya, Da.
- Ah, she was a sweet
kid, a little blessing,
always a joy, an absolute angel.
- Now, they're always
sweet when they're young,
aren't they, and then--
- Dad, do you think we ought to get going?
- Absolutely not, there's
no way I can leave now.
What about my raspberry pie
that I promised for dessert?
- Oh, yes, of course.
(dynamic music)
- So anyway, um, this
guy couldn't get a job
as a, as a tightrope walker,
so he moved to the Congo
and he sold vacuum cleaners.
Can you believe that?
- Not really, no.
- It's amazing what some
people do with their lives,
isn't it? (laughs)
- Yeah, very interesting.
What on Earth has happened to Hannah?
I'm beginning to get worried about her.
- Ah, she's probably just off
doing something important.
Always busy, that Hannah (laughs).
- Yeah, still, I think I
should go and look for her.
- Right, well, I'll come along.
Hey, would you like to see our
equipment shed along the way?
Are you into mowers?
- Er, no, zero interest.
- Right, well, uh, forget the mower then.
- That pie was out of this world.
- It's been so much fun meeting you,
Mr. Flan-Naf-Fla-Flaherty.
- Please call me Fergus, and
thank you for a wonderful meal,
and we'll be seeing--
- Oh, Da, look, it's one
of those birds you like.
- Which birds?
- I'll show you on the way.
Bye, Jackie, Craig.
- [Both] Bye.
- Thanks again then!
- (laughs) Irish.
- Fergus, great job, and
I can't thank you enough.
- Your father's not
really in hospital, is he?
Trust me, I know a lie when I see one.
- You wouldn't believe me
if I told you the truth.
(cheerful music)
(portal whooshing)
- Ooh, oh!
- Oh!
Do you have to throw
yourself through the portal
quite so hard?
- Come on, I was just
turning myself inside out
trying to keep your dad happy.
- He's still there?
- What about Fergus?
- No, he's gone.
- We did it.
- Well, I, I better get going.
- Me, too.
(birds chirping)
- Sorry I had to rush off, Dad.
It's just I would've been in trouble
if Miss Murphy found out I
hadn't done those chores.
- I never realized you
were so busy around here
even at the weekends.
- Oh (laughs), never a dull moment.
So what was that you were
saying about the Congo?
- Er, wrong person, I think.
You must be mixing me up
with that young handyman
who was around earlier.
He was prattling on about it, too.
- Oh (laughs), yeah, must
have been him (laughs).
- Ready for that meal then?
- Whatever you want, Dad.
Rest of the day is yours.
(cheerful music)
- Fergus seems really nice, doesn't he?
- Yeah, he's, erm, he's quite a character.
- I think now that we've
gotten to know him,
we really should have
him 'round more often.
I've invited him around for this weekend.
You don't mind, do you?
(dramatic fanfare)
(ominous music)
(cheerful music)
(bright electronic music)