Fresh Meat (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

'Thousands of protesters are this morning converging on London 'for what the National Union of Students is expecting will be 'one of the largest ever student marches.
'The police operation to marshal the protest 'is expected to cost upwards of £3 million, 'and protest organisers say they hope and expect the march to be peaceful.
'However, police sources say they're deeply concerned 'that intelligence they've seen suggests a small group of troublemakers 'may use the main march as cover for acts of violence and intimidation.
'The Mayor of London 'has called on protesters to treat the city and residents with respect.
' Hey, Kingsley.
Sorry I haven't called since we you know fucked.
Hey, that's cool.
I had a great time.
Did you? Really? Yeah.
Right.
Actually, great.
Wow! I mean, it's usually great, or at least very good.
I just I just wasn't sure whether that particular sesh was up there with my usual high standards.
Hey! Fucking hell! What? Fucking hell, you! Who was that? Er, some girl from my course.
We were just talking about drama again.
That's literally all we ever do.
Hey! The fuck buddies.
So, Josie just Howard to go now in the house for the old Shall we just leave it now? Sure, sure.
I mean, it's in the past, it's just something that happened.
I get it, yeah.
Just a handshake that, er, got out of hand.
You fucking trooper! An arrangement that has not been fulfilled.
So how awesome is this? Class war! You should have brought Dave.
He's a miner or something, isn't he? He's a heating engineer.
Exactly.
She's not going to bring Dave, is she? They broke up.
Exactly.
What are you even doing here, JP? This isn't your thing.
Look, this whole class warrior bullshit is really pinging my nads.
No, these people aren't like me.
Yes, most of them are divvos and chavs.
But that doesn't mean we can't agree on something every now and again.
I'm not an idiotic dick who doesn't know what's going on in the world.
All right? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
So what's happening with you and Kingsley? You going to do him again? Do him, like a load of washing? Well, you want to, right? No, I'm just Why not? Did he make you do something weird? Some pent-up virgin sex thing? Was it the disco stick? Alaskan pipeline? Rusty trombone? No, I don't know what those things are.
Then how do you know you didn't do them? What about Dave? Oh, have you still not ditched Dave? My God, what is your problem with putting a bullet in that dickhead's brainbox? I just think I should tell him face to face.
I mean, he deserves that, you know? It's just it's like 20 quid on the train to Cardiff and back, more if I go at the weekend, which I probably would, you know? And that's just a lot of money for an incredibly shit weekend.
MOBILE BUZZES Fuck.
Who's that? Oh, Vodafone! Oh Yeah! Are you coming? Not just now.
I'm, er, waiting on a friend.
Yeah, right.
OK, well, when this friend doesn't turn up, I'll save you a seat.
Brian? Mission accomplished, Charlie.
Yeah.
Managed to wangle myself a freebie on the dweeb-mobile.
Yeah, see you in Henry J Bean's just before kickoff.
So, we appear to be sitting together, but I don't think we're going to have much in common.
Don't worry about meeting the guys.
I'll introduce you casually, without making a fuss.
If we're going to attack something, I think we should attack something symbolic.
Yeah, good point, Vod.
Brian, what do you think? Oh, I say go for a statue.
Yes! Like, um, Churchill or Hitler.
I don't think we have any statues of Hitler in London.
Bri? What about Florence Nightingale? Yes! Why Florence Nightingale? I don't like her.
She was so fucking mainstream.
Brian, just jump in any time.
Are they going to mash up the Lady With The Lamp? I don't think I'm going to get involved in any violence or anything.
I might just regret it afterwards - that's the thing, isn't it? Sometimes you do stuff and you think that it's a good thing to do, because it's fun or whatever, but then afterwards, you might feel a bit weird.
A bit like, I don't know, sex or something like that.
I mean, we haven't really talked about it since.
No, not really.
I mean, we can still be normal with each other.
Oh, totally.
Everything's exactly the same as it was before.
We can still just have a cool time.
Yeah.
And I don't want you to think, just because it was so bad last time Because it was so bad? I just mean, because you couldn't do it.
You couldn't actually do it properly.
I mean you are not incapable of giving pleasure.
You know, I don't want you thinking, "Oh, I'm not some kind of eunuch.
" Not eunuch, just Someone without any balls.
I just mean that we're OK.
Yeah, we're good.
So, what do you think of Brian? Look what's happening out on the streets Got a revolution Got to revolution Hey, I'm dancing down the streets Got a revolution Got to revolution Ain't it amazing all the people I meet? Got a revolution Got to revolution One generation got old One generation got sold This generation got no destination to hold So what's the deal with you two? Are you slipping each other the beef? It's cool if you are.
I know a couple of bummers, and they're really sound guys.
Is he always like this? We banter all the time.
We all do.
The reason you know bummers is cos you are a We don't always have to hang with them, you know? Are you guys with the vets? Yes.
We are with the vets.
Cats not cuts! Come on now We're marching to the sea Got a revolution Got to revolution Do you think we might get on the news? My dad would shit his boxers if he saw me in a riot.
What about yours? Well, I'm not really in touch with mine.
We never really hit it off.
Yeah, go on.
Well, my dad was Forces, so Germany, Hong Kong Mum didn't really care where we was as long as she got a suck on the sauce bottle.
Oh, sorry.
All right.
It was fine.
It's not like they put me in a cellar and fed me on Play-Doh like Austrians.
MOBILE BUZZES (SIGHS)Ah, go on.
I showed you mine, you show me yours.
What? Just it's busting out the text limit, you know? Where are the other coaches? OK, guys.
The I think we're in the wrong drop-off zone here.
Are you in charge? Oh, God.
We're through the looking-glass.
I think the idea was to meet up somewhere with the groups and then everything sort of flows down to Hyde Park maybe.
Right, well, did everyone hear that? It's going to be fine.
Oh, it might not be fine.
Well, let's follow this guy.
Everyone follow this guy.
Incredible, yeah.
Is that blood? Don't worry.
I haven't done a murder.
It's pig's blood.
OK.
We're going to throw it.
As a statement, or just? Could be a statement.
Could be just some blood throwing.
I mean, as soon as you throw blood, you're saying something, really, aren't you? Oh, um, there was a mix-up with the coaches, and they dropped the others off somewhere else, but I think if we head in that direction then we should be able to hook up with the main march, so Actually, I think we're going to Apparently, there's a splinter group.
Oh, OK.
Um Who's in that? Come on, Kings.
Let's go.
OK.
Is that? Cool! Yeah, I thought it might be best if we stick together, but Can't we just do our own thing? Yeah, of course.
Except I think the demonstration will only have real impact if we, you know, do it en masse.
Yeah, I'm not really "in" to organised stuff.
OK.
Are you "into" making sure that the political establishment respond to our agendas? Yeah, I'm into it.
I was just going to do it in a much better way.
We're going to occupy a pod on the London Eye.
That's not really a protest, is it? That's just having a go on the London Eye.
Obviously we're going to do something when we're inside it.
Like what? I don't know.
Fuck it up.
Maybe a dirty protest.
Shit smeared on the windows.
Yeah Maybe that.
We haven't decided yet.
Well, that sounds great(!) The thing is, I came down here for the official march, so Oh, no! Have I broken the "rules"? Will we be struck off the official march if we don't come with you? I mean, what if I stand over here, does that mean I'm out of the demo? Or what about here? Is the out of the demo? Is my foot unofficial? (LAUGHS) She is such a dick.
Yeah, she's a bit of a She's kind of She's interesting, isn't she? No, not really.
No, but she's She's sort of intense.
She's got a harp.
Come on, K-man.
See you.
Yep, no worries.
OK, Josie.
Have a good demo.
Er, where are you going? You said I know.
And I do think that it's really great, it's just that it seems wrong, me doing it.
I mean, the cuts don't actually affect me, so it's quite literally not my problem.
Oh, if you're not carrying anything, can you push Sal for us? Just till we get to Trafalgar Square? Listen, um I think that it's great that you've done the whole costume and shit, even though you're in a little wheelie, and don't get me wrong, I mean, I get what you're going through.
I mean, I once did in my ankle whilst I was playing for the thirds.
I was on crutches for weeks.
Look, I fucking hate being pushed, so I wouldn't ask if I didn't need a favour.
Absolutely.
That's fine.
Yeah.
Um, could we maybe lose the scissors? CHANTING Five, six, seven, eight, budget cuts are what we hate! One, two, three, four I think we should do it now.
Really? Throw the blood, move on.
Shouldn't we wait? For what? I don't know.
Till we find the right target.
Shouldn't we throw it at something bad? Could you show us the way to the Tate Modern? Er hold on.
What about these two? You can't get any worse than Americans.
What are you up to? We're gonna throw my blood at them.
Why? Because they're American.
It's fucking heavy.
We'll catch you up.
Go.
We'll be fine.
Blood, bam.
We're out of here.
(Go.
) You were showing us Yeah, one second.
What if they're Canadians? What's the difference? I don't think Canada's done as much shit.
What about Starbucks, those fuckers? Don't tell me they don't deserve it.
Yeah, their macchiatos are a joke.
Shit! Is this the only street in Britain without a Starbucks on it? Well, what about Costa? Don't they play, like, world music? What about this place? I think it's just a sandwich bar.
Yeah, but they do coffee.
Oh Oh, they'll get the message.
(SCREAMS) Oi! Quick, this way, this way! Oi! Normally I wouldn't mind getting arrested Oh, yeah.
But, you know, they might kick me off the course if that happens.
And I like the course.
Oh, God.
That is wank, isn't innit? Or is it, though? Oh, I think Shales might kick me off anyway, cos he's a total dick and he hates me.
No, he doesn't.
How do you know? How do I know? I mean it's obvious.
That's how I know.
You don't have to know him really well or anything to see that.
You'll be OK.
Um, do you want a drink? Yeah.
MOBILE BUZZES Ooh Careful! Oh, my God, Jerry! Jerry, I'm falling off! Don't let me fall off! Jerry! Jerry, are you tired? No, I'm fine.
I think you're getting tired, Jerry.
Put me down.
Whoo! I want to go on K's shoulders.
Come on.
Let me on.
Time for me to wrap my legs around Kingsley's neck.
Ooh! Ooh, yes.
You're a much steadier ride.
Hold onto my knees, though.
I feel a bit wobbly.
So you think Shales likes me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm probably not his favourite, though.
Let's be honest.
Not his favourite, no.
I mean Whoishis favourite, do you think? I don't know.
If you had to guess.
If someone had a gun to your head saying, "Who's his favourite?" I don't know.
It's not you, though, is it, cos you think he's a dick, right? Yeah.
Yeah, he is a dick.
Yeah, I bet he really gets on your fucking tits, I bet.
Yeah, he's Bollocks.
What? You heard.
I'm going.
Where to? Toilet.
Christ! Christ! Um, shall I? No, fuck off! Oh! Cock! I'm OK.
Are you sure you're OK? Oh, my God! T REX: Children Of The Revolution You won't fool the children of the revolution I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping you.
I'd even do one of those rugby camps for disadvantaged kids.
I just won't do old people.
My friend, Piers, right, for his Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award, he had to help out in some old people's home.
He was basically helping this old dude undress, and the guy just shat on his hand.
Shat on his hand! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm behind the cause 100%, I'm just not having anyone shit on my hand.
.
.
But you won't fool the children of the revolution Acceptance.
Apparently, the main march is amazing.
There's, like, hundreds of thousands of people there.
It's a sea of humanity.
OK, erm, if we do a left Sorry What's the hold-up here? I'm on a very tight schedule.
My window of lash is closing in about half an hour, and Trafalgar Square is that way.
No, no, cos this is Right, I know London, OK? Back in the day, we used to bunk off school all the time, get the train into town, do aerosols, vodka shots in Aquascutum.
Standard.
As long as we stay peaceful, we'll be fine.
Mm! Don't join in, that's key.
It's like what I was saying to Gareth earlier if nothing else, it'll make them think twice about EMAs.
Yeah! Do you have any idea what he's talking about? Absolutely no idea.
Hey, Gareth! What do you think about the EMAs? I'm Dom.
Gareth's gone to look for a toilet.
Ah Gareth's gone to look for the toilet.
Typical Gareth.
SHOUTING SIREN BLARES SIREN BLARES Fucking pigs! Let's do it! Right, I think you'd better sort these knobbers out.
I'm not getting kettled before kickoff.
You're not going to get kettled.
OK? Police are Twittering all the organisers to tell them when and where the kettling's going to happen.
Maybe we should start some funny songs or chanting or something.
You know, lighten the mood.
I don't know.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.
It's your call, you're in charge.
I'm not telling you what do.
No.
Except you kind of are.
I'm just trying to help.
That's what I'm actually doing.
I mean, I won't if it upsets you or it threatens you, because I know some guys can get funny if a girl takes the initiative, can't they? They tend to run off crying to their mammy or to the nearest attractive girl with cute-ish tits! No, I don't This is about free education, it's not who's got the high-vis bib or the clipboard.
But, I mean, I will take the high-vis bib if I have to.
And the clipboard.
And the pen.
LINE RINGS MOBILE RINGS Hi.
Hiya, it's me.
Er, yeah, fine.
Some people got a bit restless.
Well, just throwing some stuff.
Yeah, it's pretty bad here, too.
'Just hang in there, I guess.
' OK, thanks.
See you later.
Maybe.
OK! (CHUCKLES) See you later.
Bye! Is that the girl from your house? Yeah.
What didshewant? Just something about the demo.
Nothing.
SIRENS WAIL That's cool.
Maybe don't answer next time.
THE RUTS: Babylon's Burning With anxiety Babylon is burning Babylon is burning With anxiety CHANTING (CHANTING) No education cuts! No ifs, no buts, no education cuts! No ifs, no buts Yeah, I'll be there in five minutes max.
What? Yeah.
Can you order me a steak? And some frites.
Medium rare! Who's there? Badders? And Dum-Dums! Oh, fuck, it's the whole gang.
Sweet.
Wh-what's the score? Oh, shit! I wish I was there.
OK, come on, guys, don't throw stones.
They're too big! That's unnecessary rioting! (MAN) Fucking cunts! Don't say that word - that's quite an offensive word.
(MAN) No, it isn't! Yeah, well, it is, actually.
What the fuck is wrong with everyone?! Seriously, bro, I wouldn't do that.
Argh! You're supposed to be the marshal! Forget it, Josie, he's gone native.
God, you're in serious trouble now, bro! Ow! What the fuck are you doing?! That that woman just assaulted me.
She needs to be disciplined, or else someone is going to get Ow! What the fuck are you doing?! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Bastards.
Do you want an ambulance? No.
It's fine.
I'm with Bupa.
MOBILE BUZZES Right.
Shall I leave you to it? Who did that? The cops? No, not really.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm tweeting this.
Hey, wow, you're, like, the poster girl for the riot.
Whatever.
Shouldn't you stay here and rest? No.
I don't think you should be going on your own Yeah, OK, whatever.
Just let me lie down and go to sleep, you two-faced bitch.
What? Nothing.
The man in the ambulance said you might have a brain injury.
He said that you shouldn't go out on your own.
So come with me, or have you got other plans? No.
So let's go.
Well OK.
Well, I've got this seminar on Anglo-Saxon poetry, and Professor Shales asked if I wanted to go along.
A seminar? A seminar? Yeah, a seminar.
Right.
And at this seminar, will there be any fucking? What? No What are you? No! I He just texted me.
Do want to see it? I've seen it.
Have you? Yeah.
Which one? All of 'em.
Oh, fuck! The thing about it is, you didn't tell me about it.
I mean you pretended to be coming on this demo because you're like, you know, into it and all the time, you're just faking it.
I hate fakers, Oregon, that is one thing I won't stand for.
Is that right? That is too right sister! Well, do you think we should press charges against the cops that assaulted you? Oh, yeah, you can twist reality whatever way you want.
You know you've been a massive bitch.
That's that.
End of.
You told me to do it.
What are you talking about? You said if you want to shag a tutor, you should shag a tutor.
If your tutor is James Franco.
If he's a middle-aged dick-splash with a shrivelled bell-end, think on.
God! What, he hasn't got a shrivelled bell-end? Exactly.
You bet he has.
Oh, I don't even want to guess at the state of his nut sack.
Look Look No, there is nothing you can say to change the facts.
You munch old-man knob.
I didn't know he was going to call.
So he texts and you come running.
Is that how it works? Oh, that is so weak.
You couldn't say, "No, I'm sorry, I can't make it, Professor, "I have a previous engagement.
"You can slurp on your own chubby tonight"? That'd be really difficult, wouldn't it? That'd be really hard to text that if you had no fingers.
OK, fine.
What is everyone going to say? They're gonna think you're a loser.
People aren't gonna say anything because no-one knows about it.
(SCOFFS) Er, they will know about it.
How? How? When I tell them.
But I don't want to have to tell people, Oregon.
Obviously, I know you're sensitive about it, but you know, it'll just come out, won't it? Probably when I'm drunk.
And I'm drunk quite a lot, to be fair.
And that's not me being, you know, bitchy - that's just how things are.
Why am I a loser, though? I mean, just because I'm Shagging an old man? It's icky.
Screwing some sad dad substitute.
OK, Vod Professor Shales is 45.
OK? My dad is 54, so that shows how much you know.
Oh, God what the hell am I doing? Whee! Kingsley, your go! Look, Ruth, I think I might You're not jealous, are you(?) Oh yeah(!) People who keep score.
I mean, I don't care how many womenyou'vebeen with.
You probably don't even know yourself, right? I've got a ballpark figure.
And you don't care what me and Jerry, or me and Mal, or me and Sasha do.
Sure, Sasha with the the guy the guy with the Botox?! It's like improv - you go with the flow, you know.
You're into improv, right? Sure.
The main reason I switched to drama was the limited opportunity for improv on the geology syllabus.
Look, I think I might head off.
But we're doing the Eye.
I think you have to book, actually.
OK.
So we haven't booked.
Why don't we just climb up it? Obviously, there would be a small quite a large risk of death.
You'd just fall in the river.
Sure.
The current is also quite So you're an expert on the London Eyeandrivers, now? I'm not an expert on the London Eye.
Yeah, you are.
You know all about booking and everything like that.
I think it might be best if I went back.
I thought we had a connection.
I think we need some time apart.
I'll see you around, OK? VOICE ON POLICE RADIO (SIGHS) WHOOPING (SIGHS) I've been so confused about the whole thing.
I mean, it felt exciting and then it felt weird, and I wanted to tell you, but then I didn't, because I didn't know what you'd say.
And I was sort of ashamed, but sort of excited as well.
And sometimes the sex is good, but sometimes it makes me feel really dirty.
But is it bad to feel dirty? I do sort of like him.
But I do also think he's a cock.
And in the end, I think, you know, I have to end it, cos it's getting a bit scuzzy.
I mean, the last time we did it was in this shitty hotel and Oh.
That'snot a shitty hotel.
(THEY CHANT) No ifs, no buts, no education cuts! No ifs, no buts, no education cuts! Um, excuse me.
Hi there.
There's another kettle over there and there's a girl I sort of know.
I'm kind of with this other girl here, but I don't think it's going to go anywhere, to be honest.
It was mainly a sexual thing, because she's quite a physical person, and I don't think she's into exclusivity.
Not that I'm hung up about that sort of thing.
Maybe I am, a bit.
But anyway, I sort of need to be inthatkettle, so, I mean, is there any chance you could let me swap? I promise to go straight into that one.
I wouldn't try and get away or anything.
I'll go up, then.
Do you know what room he's in? Do you want me to come? Wh-What for? In case he gets funny.
No, I'll be fine.
Do you want me to come anyway? No, just just give me a call.
You know, if you feel sick or if you think you might have a brain haemorrhage or something like that.
Yeah, it's me.
Take a photo if you want.
(THEY CHANT) The students united will never be defeated.
The students united will never be defeated.
OK, we're just going to ride it out and make an official complaint.
The important thing here is the issue.
The EMA? Exactly.
Shall we tell him? Tell me what? I think it's time to open the kimono.
We're not on your veterinary school demo.
But you've been with us all afternoon, man.
We faked it, man.
We don't know you.
Your security is woefully lax.
Another five minutes, and we'd have got your PIN number.
Suck on that, horse whisperer! And tell Gareth to fuck off.
What? I don't think we should see each other any more.
Oh, God.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm sorry.
No, it's Carry on.
This is good.
I need this.
I just I don't think this is what I want.
Sorry, that's I know this isn't what I want.
Sure, I understand.
It's just a bad time.
I'm in a vulnerable place emotionally and my wife's just published another book.
Oh, sorry.
Thanks.
It's shit.
I mean, it's very clever clever, you know but no heart.
Typical selfish Jean.
Look, it'll be fine.
Probably.
These kind of I imagine, right? This kind of thing is often a brief candle.
This kind of thing has never happened to me before, Oregon.
OK.
You may not know this yet, but there actually aren't a lot of women like you.
Good and true, bright, wild and free.
Oh, I don't know.
You're everything I haven't had in my life since I don't know, the late '80s.
Driving a camper van through the Rhine valley, with Updike's Rabbit omnibus and a big old crate of Budvar.
Shall we have the break-up champagne? Or the heartbreak caviar? Sorry.
Hey, no.
No sorry.
It's just the timing's a shame, because I finished my manuscript and I wanted your opinion.
Maybe I'll just burn it in the real working fireplace.
Shit! Nothing's going right for me today.
Um, what's it about? Just rub it harder.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
"The story of narrative poetry" (MUTTERS) Can you can you just cut all of this? It's not coming out.
Try a bit of shampoo.
Hi.
(OREGON) 'Oh, hey.
You OK?' It's hurting a bit.
How's it going? 'Yeah, OK, I think.
' How's he taking it? 'Pretty well.
' Are you done yet? Nearly.
(CHANTING) Students united Hi! Can I come in? (CHANTING) Students united can never be defeated.
The students united Hi.
Hi.
Hi! God, is this fucked up or what? I had to crawl through policemen's legs to get in here.
But I guess this is what happens when you go on the official university demo.
Criminal record.
Shit! Well done! Look, I'm really not into confrontation, OK, so just Bit late to decide you're not into confrontation, standing in the middle of World War II.
This would be World War III! There have already been two World Wars.
So fucking typical of people like you to count up all the wars.
You probably actually do history, don't you? I bet you're an actual historian.
I'm a dentist.
Why are you hanging out with dentists? Ruth, you can see she's upset.
Just why don't you back off? A bit.
Oh, my God.
Youdofancy her! You're after her lady wedge.
Well, I'm sorry, but I am not sharing you with a dentist.
If we're going to keep seeing each other, this has got to end.
You're seeing each other? We're not seeing each other! Well, we're sleeping together, but it could lead to seeing.
Oh, dear.
Have I shocked you? Should I not talk about my sexuality in public? We did it once.
It was not a big deal.
And when did that happen? Um Not before we Not before we Er, it might have been.
You weren't a virgin when we had sex? You lied to me to get me to have sex with you? I was almost a virgin.
It was only a couple of hours before.
You did both of us in the same night?! Double dip! You were a virgin when we Yes! I was a virgin! Is that how you get people to have sex with you, just go around telling them you're a virgin? Well, what are you? Some sort of Satanist who'll only have sex with virgins?! What about Dave? What? Well, you never split up with him, so it's like both of you are lying.
Howard! Well, it's better to get everything out in the open.
You'll thank me for it later.
It would've been nice to let me know.
Well, it's not a secret - you just weren't there when I mentioned it.
Well, where was I? In your room, probably.
Well, couldn't you have come round to the door and told me? Look Look Just put a note through the glory hole.
You two have a glory hole?! It's not that kind of glory hole.
And it's not the same thing.
Same principle.
Howard! I'm finished.
You mean you were literally a virgin? (SHOUTS) Yes! I was a virgin! OK? Just give me a pen, I'll write it on a fucking placard.
Or, even better Hi, everyone.
In case you missed it, Iwasa virgin, I am now no longer a virgin, and will keep you updated as things develop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fucking pigs! Squeal, piggy.
Squeal! Fight the cuts! Kill the cops! I only wanted to watch the fucking rugby! BOTTLE SMASHES (CHANTING) Kill the cops! All done? Yep.
Clean kill? Yep.
In and out.
CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Run Through The Jungle Whoa, thought it was a nightmare Lo, it's all so true They told me Don't go walkin' slow Cos Devil's on the loose CHEERING Fuck the police! Better run through the jungle Whoa, don't look back Red Bee Media Ltd