Friends s01e05 Episode Script

Let it go.
It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? It's amazing.
You reach in, there's one maneuver and bam! A bra.
Right out the sleeve.
As far as I know, guys don't do anything that comes close.
Right? Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
We can? Okay, I'm trying that.
Know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want.
You look down, and there they are.
How you get any work done is beyond me.
I don't get how guys can do so many mean things and not even care.
-Multiple orgasms! -There you go.
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent Saturday night.
The big night! Date night! Saturday night.
Saturday night! -No plans, huh? -Not a one! Not even breaking up with Janice? Right, right.
Shut up.
Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone.
Except for Kevin Millmore, may he rot in hell.
-You just gotta do it.
-I know.
But it's just so hard.
You're sitting there with her.
She has no idea.
You finally get up the courage to do it.
There's that awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
You try to run out of the restaurant before she's finished the note.
Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man.
Just stop calling.
If you want, I'll do it with you.
She'd feel like we're ganging up on her.
You dump Janice, I'll dump T ony.
-You're breaking up with T ony? -He's sweet, but it's not fun anymore.
I don't know if it's me or his hunger strike, I don't know.
Do you want anything else? You had a nutty, chocolate-y, kind of cake-y, pie thing that Nothing.
I' m fine.
What's wrong? Why so scrunchie? My father wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
That guy, he burns me up.
Yeah, it's a Mercedes if I move back home.
It was horrible! He called me "young lady.
" I hate when my father calls me that.
Did he say "You' re not up to this" again? I got the extended version with choruses of "You'll Never Make it on Your Own.
" Hi, Joey.
Oh, my God! Angela! Wow! Being dumped by you agrees with her.
-Are you gonna go over there? -No.
Yeah.
No.
Okay, but not yet.
I don't wanna seem too eager.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi three Mississippi.
That seems pretty cool.
-Hey, Angela.
-Joey.
You look good.
That's because l' m wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
You don't say.
So, Rachel, what are you doing tonight? Big glamour night.
Me and Monica at Launderama.
You wanna hear a freakish coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too? -Who? -Me! Was that not clear? Why don't? Why don't I just join you both there? Don't you have a laundry room in your building? Yes.
I do have a laundry room in my building.
But there's a rat problem.
Apparently, they're attracted to dryer sheets.
They're going in fine, but they're coming out all fluffy.
-Anyway, 7-ish? -Sure.
-Forget it.
I' m with Bob now.
-Bob? Who the hell's Bob? Bob is great.
He's smart, sophisticated, and he has a real job.
You go on three auditions a month and you' re an actor.
Bob Come on! We were great together.
And not just at the fun stuff, but, like, talking too.
Sorry, Joey.
You said, " Let's be friends.
" So guess what? -What? -We' re just friends.
Fine.
Fine.
Why don't the four of us have dinner tonight? As friends.
What "four of us"? You and Bob, and me and my girlfriend Monica.
I' m telling you, this guy's perfect for you.
Forget it! Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Come on, this guy's great.
His name's Bob.
He's Angela's brother.
He's smart, he's sophisticated and he has a real job.
I go on three auditions a month and say l' m an actor, but he's -God help us.
-What? Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile.
Look, l' m asking a favor here.
If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.
What's going on? You go out with tons of girls.
I know, but Angela's different.
She's like one of a kind, like a snowflake or.
-Something else like a snowflake? -Yeah, yeah.
Look, I made a huge mistake.
I never should've broke up with her.
Will you help me? Please? Hold on a sec.
You need to not touch any of those.
Okay, bye.
Monica's not coming.
It's just gonna be me and Rachel.
Hold on, camper.
You've thought this through? It's laundry.
The thinking-through is minimal.
Just you and Rachel? Just you two? This is a date.
You're going on a date.
-Uh-uh.
-Uh-huh.
-I haven't done that in a while.
-ls it a date if she doesn't know? Yes, absolutely.
Saturday night, all rules apply.
What are you saying? I should shave again? Pick up some wine? Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear.
It's the first time she'll see your underwear.
You want it dirty? No.
And the fabric softener? Okay, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kind of guy.
You know, like a little fuzzy bear.
-I'll pick something else up.
-There you go.
Thank you.
What does Bob look like? Is he tall, short? Yep.
-Which? -Which what? -You've never met Bob, have you? -No, but -For all we know, he's horribly -Hey, Joey! Horribly attractive.
I'll be shutting up now.
Where are they? Where are they? This is nice.
We never do anything, just the two of us.
Great.
Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car, run over some puppies.
I don't wanna do that.
-Here we go.
-Have a good breakup.
-Hey, Janice.
-My God, I am so glad you called me.
I had the most supremely awful day.
That's not good.
Can I get an espresso and a latte over here? We got the proofs from the shoot with the vegetables.
They sucked.
I blew off the afternoon.
I went shopping.
And I got you.
I'm looking.
I'm looking.
I' m looking.
-I got you -What? -What? -What did you get me there? I got you these.
Bullwinkle socks.
-That's sweet.
-I knew you had Rockys.
You can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle or Rocky and Rocky, or you can mix.
Moose and squirrel.
Whatever you want.
I'm gonna get another espresso.
More latte? No, l' m still working on mine.
-That's it? -Yeah, it was really hard.
-Yeah, the hug looked pretty brutal.
-You weren't there.
-Sorry.
-How are things going? Going? Things are not going.
She got me socks.
These go with your Rockys.
She really cares about you l' m sorry.
Coming through.
Move.
Move! Excuse me! I was kind of using that machine.
Yeah, well, now you' re kind of not.
But I saved it.
I put my basket on top.
I'm sorry.
Is that your basket? It's pretty.
Unfortunately, I don't see suds! What? No suds, no save, okay? What's going on? Nothing.
This horrible woman just took my machine.
Was your basket on top? -Yeah, but there were no suds.
-So? -You know, no suds, no save.
-No suds, no Excuse me.
Hold on a second! This is my friend's machine.
Hey, hey, hey! Her stuff wasn't in it! Hey, hey, hey! That's not the rule, and you know it! All right.
Show's over.
Nothing to see here.
Okay.
Let's do laundry.
That was amazing! I can't even send back soup.
Well, that's because you' re such a sweet, gentle.
Do you? Do you? Oh, hey.
You must need detergent.
-What's that? -Uberweiss.
It's new.
It's German.
It's extra tough! Rach, are you gonna separate those? Oh, God.
Am I being a total laundry spaz? Am I supposed to use one machine for shirts and another for pants? Have you never done this before? Well, not myself.
But I know other people that have.
Okay.
You caught me.
I'm a laundry virgin.
Don't worry.
I'll use the gentle cycle.
Basically, you wanna use one machine for all your whites.
A whole other machine for your colors.
And a third for your delicates.
That would be your bras and your underpanty things.
These are white cotton panties.
Would they go with whites or with delicates? That would be a judgment call.
He's so cute! Where did you grow up? -Brooklyn Heights.
-Cleveland.
-How'd that happen? -My God! What? I suddenly had the feeling I was falling.
But I'm not.
So, you and Angela, huh? -Yep.
Pretty much.
-You' re a lucky man.
Know what I miss most about her? That cute nibbly noise she makes when she eats.
Like a happy little squirrel or a weasel.
-I never really noticed.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Listen for it.
Monica.
Monica is great.
Yeah, she is.
But it's not gonna last.
She's too much for me in bed.
Sexually.
I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Yeah, isn't he? It's great to meet a smart, funny guy who's emotionally older than 8.
You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed! My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
That's nice.
You can.
It's like pulling off a Band-Aid.
Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
Go! Go! Hi, Janice.
Here we go.
I don't think we should go out anymore.
All right.
Well, there you go.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
This isn't about you.
I know! It's about your fear of commitment.
I' m not afraid.
-Please.
-I don't! -I don't! I' m ready to commit anytime.
-Really? I know this is gonna sound stupid but I feel that if I can do this if I can actually do my own laundry there isn't anything I can't do.
That does not sound stupid to me.
The first time I had to cook for myself after Carol left me I'm sorry, that's all the time we have.
Next on Ross.
-Uh-oh.
-What? Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, the laundry's done.
It's a song.
The laundry song we sing.
Uh-oh! The laundry's done -What's the matter? -Nothing.
The laundry's done Come on, show me.
It's just that you left a red sock with your whites, and now everything's kind of pink.
Everything's pink? Except for the red sock, which is still red.
Don't be upset.
It can happen to anyone.
But it happened to me.
God, I'm gonna look like a big Marshmallow Peep! What am I doing? My father's right! I can't live on my own.
I can't even do laundry! Something went wrong with Underdog and they couldn't inflate his head.
So anyway his head is flopping down Broadway, right? And I'm thinking how inappropriate this is.
Something's in my eye.
Could we check it in the light, please? -Oh, my God! -What? Were we at the same table? It's like cocktails in Appalachia.
-They' re close.
-Close? Her tongue's in his ear.
Like you've never got a little rambunctious with Ross.
Joey, this is sick.
It's disgusting.
It's not really true' is it? Who's to say what's true? -What were you thinking? -l' m not proud of this, okay? Well, maybe I am a little.
-l' m out of here! -Wait! You like him.
I want her.
He likes you.
-Really? -Yeah.
If we put our heads together, between the two of us we can break them up.
I' m sorry.
I can't believe I did this.
I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
Waiter? One more plate of chicken wings over here.
Here's the thing.
We're different.
I'm bing, bing, bing.
You' re boom, boom, boom.
Oh, my God! I' m so sorry! Are you okay? It's just my lens.
It's my lens.
I'll be right back.
I hit her in the eye! In the eye! This is the worst breakup in the history of the world! Oh, my God! -How many have you had? -I don't know.
A million! Chandler, easy, easy.
Go to your happy place.
-l' m fine, l' m fine.
-All right.
-l' m not fine.
Here she is.
-Wait here, okay? Breathe.
-How do you do that? -It's like a gift.
We should always break up together.
I'd like that! The clothes are clean.
That's the important part.
I guess.
Except everything looks like jammies now.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
We had this cart.
I had a 24-inch waist.
You lose things.
Now, come on.
Get out of my way.
I' m sorry.
Maybe I wasn't being clear.
This was our cart.
There weren't clothes in it! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Quit making up rules! Let go! Come on, it's my cart.
Listen, Mitzi, if you want it you' re gonna have to take me with it! -Yes! Did you see that? -You were incredible.
A brand-new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
I could not have done this without you.
More clothes in the dryer? -I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Are you sure? -Are you sure you' re okay? -Yeah.
-Does it still hurt? -Yeah.
What a neat idea! All your clothes match.
I' m gonna do this.
-How'd it go? -Excellent! We ripped that couple apart and kept the pieces for ourselves.
What a beautiful story.
-I'm fine, by the way.
-I'm sorry.
-Where's Chandler? -He needed time to grieve.
I' m free! I' m free! That ought to do it.