Friends with Benefits s01e05 Episode Script

Check it out.
Paramedic Evan's jacket.
You know what? We cannot be expected to remember every one of your hospital crushes.
Ben, this isn't some little schoolgirl crush.
This is, like, a real grown-up crush.
I've been trying to make a connection for weeks.
The problem is, he's so fast.
I like your hair.
Oh! Thanks for saying you liked my hair last week! I've got a great one-bedroom next to Frankie's diner.
How about you? Well, I live Emergency.
Gotta go.
Oh, you forgot your Jacket.
I'm going to bring the jacket by Evan's place tonight.
Booty call, yes! Yeah.
No.
No, no, no.
Not a Booty call.
Tonight is going to be the first date in a long and fulfilling love affair.
Fancy doctor, manly paramedic I mean, is Nicholas sparks writing my life? If you show up with that jacket, you are on the Booty call track.
And once you're on the Booty call track, it's almost impossible to switch to the relationship track.
It's important to know the difference, too.
Relationship track.
Pretending you don't speak English to avoid talking: Booty call track.
Holding someone if they're scared or hurt: Relationship track.
Entering through a back door, window or air vent Booty call track.
Mm-hmm.
Like this text from Mia, this girl I met this weekend.
Oh, she is super sexy.
We have nothing in common.
Thus, we're on the Booty call track.
"Come over to my house tonight, and watch my new documentary.
" And then there's a winky face.
Yeah.
I don't understand.
Watching documentaries is the complete opposite of sexy.
Oh, sweet Sara.
The documentary is Mia's legs.
People are making documentaries about legs now? Video cameras are too inexpensive.
No, l-e-g-s.
Lame excuse to get some.
Mm-hmm.
It's how girls put out Booty call invitations without feeling like huge sluts.
See, Evan is gonna think you returning that jacket is your legs.
And you do this? Nah.
I don't have the "feel like a slut" gene.
I just corn guys.
You know Come over right now.
Right.
Ready to exchange gifts? Yes, I am, sir.
Happy roommate-aversary.
You know, you guys should really warn us if we're going to be here on your made-up holidays.
Yeah.
I was way under dressed for fitzmas.
Ergonomic wrist rests for my keyboard! Oh! Yeah, man.
So you won't get carpal tunnel.
Thank you, Fitz.
For you Thank you, sir.
Ooh, what is it? Floor seats, bulls, tomorrow night.
Limo to the game.
What? Really? Come on.
That's awesome.
No fair.
I want to go.
Pssh! Lucky.
Man, I thought that we agreed to a $50 limit.
Well, yeah, but come on.
I'm gonna splurge on my friend, right? It's the best gift ever, man.
And-and this is so great.
Gel-filled for prolonged comfort.
Uh, that's a lot better than short-term comfort.
You know, man, you always have to big-dog me in front of everybody, don't you? When have I ever big-dogged you? I got us a pizza! - I got us a luau! - Hey! I bought us pictionary! Hey, check it out.
I got a moon bounce! I rented us a DVD! I got Marley from Marley & Me! Look! Jennifer Aniston autographed him! That time you literally big-dogged me, Aaron.
You rented a big dog.
- He - You know what? I have a client to train, man.
Happy roommate-aversary.
We always fight on holidays.
Sara Maxwell, a beautiful brunette medical doctor, stood in front of the door that would change her life forever.
She knocks.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
She waited.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, you left this at the hospital this morning, and I wanted to return it personally.
Wow, thanks.
Want to come in for a glass of wine? He offered her wine and she said "sure.
" Did she? Did she say "sure"? Or is she just standing there? Sure.
Watch her documentary.
Ten bucks says we don't get past the DVD menu.
I'll take that bet, Ben.
Oh yeah? You're on! Wait, why am I betting against hooking up? Too late, you already agreed.
So my documentary is a personal story about my summer in Chile Chile, perfect.
"Sex-ay" South America.
That's South America, right? Summer '09, Chile.
I meet a family of orphans, siblings, who were forced into the streets When their parents died in a tragic earthquake.
this is our story.
These are My orphans.
Okay, not the sexiest premise in the world.
But, you know, this could turn around.
Carlito hasn't eaten In six days.
um, if you see any scenes I can cut, I would love to get this under three hours.
Yeah.
You owe me ten bucks, Ben.
Shut up, Ben.
Hey.
Hey.
- I'm sorry - I'm sorry that - No, you go first.
- You go first.
- I'm sorry that - I'm sorry that - Go.
- Go.
- I'm sorry - I'm sorry I'm sorry, too, man.
We don't have to go to the stupid game.
No, dude, we are going to the bulls game.
But we're gonna go Fitz style.
With two Asian chicks? No, man we gonna sit in the nosebleeds with the real fans, we're gonna eat greasy hot dogs and we're gonna take the train.
Yeah! That sounds fun, man.
You know I'm a man of the people.
Speaking of which, man, where are the people? It's dead in here.
Well, I knew we needed to talk, so I rented the bar out for the night.
You rented out the whole bar? Yeah.
Cocktails? And you paid Riley to wear a leather body suit? No, I have a date later.
With Batman? I thought a documentary was a no-brainer lame excuse to get some.
It is.
Guess no one told Mia.
Mmm.
So that's it for her then? Slow down, dumpy.
What?! No, 'cause you just told me to dump her.
Oh, that's fine.
Continue.
Okay, switching from the relationship track to the Booty call track is usually impossible, but since I happen to hold a black belt in Booty, I should be able to pull it off.
Then I'll be on the same track as you.
Choo-choo! Next stop Bootytown.
No, that is not my town.
It's true, I was a little upset about how my night went down.
You said, "went down.
" Uh gah But then I thought, "So what? We slept together.
" Classic love stories can start in many ways.
Like in the woods, in a barn, in a sinking ship everyone thought was unsinkable.
Okay, hooking up in a steamy car on a boat Booty call.
I mean, that wasn't headed anywhere even if the guy did survive.
Oh, what do you know? And if it was just a Booty call, why did Evan lend me the jacket I brought back? Okay, that's a plot twist.
Okay, walk me through that.
Where's my dress? It's freezing and I have to go to the bathroom.
Here, wear this.
That's the hospital.
I have to go.
Mmm, okay.
Mmm, that was fun.
Stay warm.
Wait.
Why did you steal his jacket? Um, he said, "stay warm.
" Yeah, that's a thing people say.
He meant, "stay warm in your life on this cold Saturday.
" I told the newsstand guy to stay warm.
I didn't mean for him to steal my outerwear.
Watch this.
Hey, buddy, stay warm.
You too, pal.
Okay.
Oh, my God, this is terrible! What kind of classic romance starts with petty larceny? Okay, okay, I can fix this.
I can fix this.
I'll just return the jacket before he finds out what a freak I am.
Oh, and if we're lucky, maybe there'll be a horrible accident and he'll come by the hospital today! Damn it! That's awful.
You were right, man.
God, it's great up here.
I mean, who wants to sit next to Rihanna anyways? Yes, she looks like a Disney Princess.
We get it.
We're not lookin' too shabby up here, either, are we, pretty people? Learn to play, man! Hey, man, look, I'm gonna need you to stop sleeping on me, okay? Where's the hot dog guy? I am starving! The hot dog guy don't come up in these parts, Sonny.
Deviled egg? Gah! No, thank you.
I'm good.
Oh, man! How's operation track switch going? Well, I'm still on phase one.
I haven't responded to a single one of Mia's meaningless check-in texts since our not-Booty call.
Mmm.
Here.
Stay tuned for phase two.
You play some stone cold game.
I like it.
That's how I roll.
Car crashes, fire, a construction accident, and no Evan! Why is this happening to me? Do you think it's possible that he switched his ambulance route so he wouldn't have to see the horny psycho who stole his jacket? - Yes.
- Yes.
- I was fishing for a "no.
" - Oh.
Do you really think that's what's happening? Well, made sense when you laid it out.
Oh, no.
Sara, I think the very special thing between you and paramedic Evan has run its course.
You must never initiate contact with him again.
Copy that.
But hey, you get to keep the jacket.
It's yours now, according to the rules of post-sex spoils.
I don't want to keep the jacket! I want to be in a romantic love story that stands the test of time.
Oh, I know! I can go to Evan's place and re-return it.
- No.
- I don't I don't think that's No, no, no.
But it won't be a Booty call 'cause I'll go at 9:00 A.
M.
There's nothing sexy at 9:00 A.
M.
There's just egg whites and Matt Lauer.
And after I return the jacket, I'll ask Evan on a proper date.
- And then I'll have the last laugh.
- Yeah.
It's like I'm watching you disappear into a hole.
Hey, Riley, could you sometimes not talk to your friends and maybe help me bartend? Yeah, sure, of course.
So what are you gonna wear? I said if they lost another, I'd kill myself.
I'm gonna do it.
Wow.
Well, I-I just love the raw emotion that is in the air.
Man, stop pretending my night wasn't lame.
Okay? I can't compete with you, Aaron.
Your limos and floor seats, your giant rolex, your designer jeans, that cashmere sweater that's as soft as the day is long.
Hey, Fitz.
I bet you have, like, two grand in your pocket right now.
Fitz Stop interrupting me, man! I'm trying to make a point, here.
Do you or do you not have two grand in your pocket right now? Well? Answer the man.
Look, man, maybe you can give him back some of his stuff and take some of mine instead.
Here.
Take my cell phone.
This doesn't even have a camera.
You need this more than I do.
You, give me those pants.
All right, man, look.
Come on now.
You've taken everything except his pants, okay? But pants equal honor, partner, and I'm not gonna stand here and let you take my man's honor like that.
Aaron, this man is gonna need your pants.
It all started as a simple misunderstanding, Sara and Evan told their granddaughter.
But years later, they would laugh about it as they gaze out on the Chesapeake Bay from their Cape Cod-style summer home.
Oh, my God, i don't have the jacket! The jacket is at the bar.
I'm going to kill myself! Do I have time to run Okay.
What's important here is that this is still not a Booty call.
Go ahead.
Ask me why.
Well, here's why.
Evan didn't ask where his jacket was.
Oh! Probably because he was too busy having sex with "drop-by" Sara.
Because he knows he can get it back at any of our many future outings.
It'll become like, "Where's my jacket? "My place, your place, who knows? Who cares? We're together.
I love you, Sara.
" Oh! And I asked him if he wanted to hang out again, and he said yes.
And that, folks, is called being on the relationship track.
Is it just me, or are we saying the word "track" a lot lately? What are you doing? Oh, well, I've been ignoring Mia for the last two days, so now I'm sending her the most blatantly obvious Booty text ever.
She's so starved for attention.
She agrees and Slam city! Slam city? Yeah.
It's right next to bootytown.
I mean, it's a rougher neighborhood because they don't have the funding.
I'm gonna take off.
I stayed up late the other night having accidental sex with Evan.
Then yesterday, I went to work all day, then I woke up super early to have accidental sex with Evan, then I went to work all day.
- Sara.
- Sara.
Yep.
What the heck? Oh.
What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
How do you know where I live? Please, I'm a paramedic, we know where all the cute girls live.
Why didn't you just use the door? I don't know.
Just seemed so official.
Entering through a window, back door, or air vent for sex: Booty call track.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not what we do.
This is not our relationship.
Our what? Relationship track.
You know what sounds fun? Cooking something.
How about I make some spaghetti marinara? I already ate.
How about some oatmeal? Pop-tart? Wait.
Name a food, I'll make it! I can unwrap you a slice of American cheese! Ben! Oh, thank God, you're finally here! Here to rock your world.
I fell down the steps.
I think I broke my leg.
Will you call an ambulance? Oh, my God, of course! Whoa! And hold me till it gets here? Yeah.
Holding someone when they're hurt or scared: Relationship track.
Shut up! You still owe me ten bucks.
All right, guys.
Hang here and we'll bring the suspects in.
You're gonna have to talk to me eventually, man.
We live under the same roof.
I don't have to talk to you.
Talking to you gets me mugged.
Look, man, I'm sorry.
But you got to realize, okay, it is sometimes a little bit difficult to live with a dude who has everything.
Everything? Yes.
Everything, yeah, right.
Because I can get sweaters and watches and stuff like that.
I have everything.
Yeah.
Those are just things, Fitz.
You have charisma, confidence, you have swagger.
And you can talk to women, without breaking a sweat, and people like you.
That's true, I am beloved.
I just got you those tickets, man, because I wanted to say thank you.
For all the nice things that you're always doing for me.
Like taking me out to parties, and helping me with women, and being a good friend.
Okay, guys.
Take a look.
If you see the guy that mugged you, just point him out.
Yeah.
Right there.
That guy.
Skinny douche bag, next to the sloppy hobo and the transvestite alien thing.
This is a two-way mirror, right? Nah, it's just a pane of glass.
We can hear you, too.
Look, Fitz, I don't need you to buy me expensive things.
I just need you.
- And - And her.
You know what, Aaron, I am sick and tired of listening to you ramble on about how female cops are undervalued and underpaid.
I mean, hey, hey, if you tell me one more time how they're the real heroes, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna walk out of here, and I ain't gonna never come back.
Hey.
How you doing? I-I didn't see you there.
Hi, I'm Trish.
Aaron, was it? Yeah.
So, tell me about your family, your hobbies, your dreams Dreams I'm not hungry for oatmeal, I'm hungry for you.
Evan! I really need you to sit down, right here, and eat this oatmeal.
Sister, help to trim the sail hallelujah other chores you do on a boat hallelujah.
thanks.
That song always helps calm me down.
Sing it again.
Um I think the ambulance should be here by now.
Maybe I, maybe I should call again, or Thank God you're here, Ben! Your parents know my name? Why wouldn't I tell them my boyfriend's name? - Oh, my baby.
- Thank you, son.
Yeah.
Everybody.
Okay.
Painful? Popular? Go.
- Romeo, what's taking so long? - Hey, the stairs on north Clark.
We got a girl who fell down are you on duty? Ugh! Ben and Riley were right.
I'm just some sort of Booty call to you.
Look, doctor Wait.
Do you not know my name? Of course not.
I thought that's what we're doing here.
What kind of girl do you think I am? The greatest kind of girl.
The kind that shows up at my apartment to have sex.
Okay.
I realize that's how this started, but I have since transitioned us onto the relationship track.
How? By coming over at 9:00 A.
M.
and microwaving you oatmeal.
Hello? I think you're confusing "relationships" with stuff you do in the morning.
You should go.
Okay, doctor.
Sara! Sara.
Right.
Listen.
It was really nice No, it was not.
Go.
Go, go, go, go.
Darn it! Hallelujah! one more time! Michael, row all right, you know what? Hey, I think the boat's ashore.
Hey.
Hey, why don't you guys just take Mia to the hospital? Oh.
He's worried.
He really loves her.
We'll-we'll all go.
Ben, go pack a bag.
You know what she likes best.
Okay, you know what? I don't know how to say this delicately, so I'm just going to come right out and say it! Only reason why I came here was to hook up with your granddaughter.
Your daughter.
Your sister.
And your daughter.
Kidding! Ha-ha! I'll go pack a bag.
Yeah.
Which nightie do you want me to get, sweetheart? Oh, what am I saying? I know which nightie you want Your favorite nightie.
Ooh, he's so cute.
Good guy.
I can't believe I let my thing with Evan turn into a Booty call.
What's so bad about casual sex? Nothing.
That's why I have you.
And "you" works for now, but I can't let every guy I date turn into "you.
" I mean, little girls play imaginary wedding, they don't play imaginary Booty call.
Except for that Italian girl next door.
Don't worry about it, champ.
You'll get there soon enough.
You'll be in a dumb-ass relationship before you know it.
What do you have against relationships? Um, expensive, boring, brunch, feelings, responsibility, conversations, her parents, sex and the city DVDs I get it.
Hiding your porn, ski trips, getting fat, remembering her birthday, - game nights - Ben.
Stop.
Sample sales, questions during football games, passive-aggressive news articles clippings Thanks.
No prob.
Is it the "in zone" or the "end zone"? I'm so confused.
End.
Which direction is he supposed to be going? - To the right.
- Why is he going the other direction? - Well, he fielded a punt.
- What's a punt? - It's when he kicked it.
- But the other guy kicked it differently.
Well, that's the place kicker.
- Are they friends? - You know, I don't know.
Can we watch Sex And The City? It's a good one.
Samantha gets cancer.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Fun.