Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

That was astounding.
You ate your sandwich, my sandwich, and Bobby's sandwich.
Hey, I'm eating for two.
Hundred people.
The waiters and I have a bet going to see how much you can put away.
See, a few of the guys thought you'd quit after the yam fries.
But I know you better than that.
Thatta girl.
And it's great to see you feeding that baby growing inside you.
Yeah, great for you.
We're the ones that have to stop at Burger Barn on the way home for round two.
Classic Bob.
Always quick with a quip.
I'm looking forward to more of that fun banter tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night? Tomorrow night's guy's night, did you invite him? I did.
Wha why? Every Friday night, the girls and I do our thing and you guys do your thing and I feel like Lowell's left out.
It'd be nice to include him.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that guy's night is for dudes.
Yeah.
Yeah, and Lowell's not really a dude.
He's got a penis, how is he not a dude? Yogurt panna cotta with stewed rhubarb showered with pansies.
Boy, sometimes you ask a question and the universe gives you an answer.
For the last time, you have 13 items.
I have nine items.
Coffee, wine, pickles, bacon, tampons, chocolate, onions, condoms and frosting.
You have five onions.
And I don't even want to count how many condoms you have.
Yeah? Well, I'm safe and popular, so scan me through.
Hi Arthur.
Hi.
Wha You're scanning her through? What happened to 12 items or less? It's like she's shopping for a hurricane.
Oh, my God.
Is this an express lane? I had no idea, I am so sorry.
It's okay, honest mistake.
Oh, I get it.
It's happening again.
What's happening again? You're getting special treatment 'cause you're hot.
Excuse me? You're hot.
You're very hot, you know you're hot.
That leads people to give you things, because gorgeous people get things that other people don't.
Okay, I am a little hurt by that.
Oh, my God, do you need me to call a manager? Manager on register two, manager on register two.
It's okay, Arthur, thank you.
Thank you, I got this.
People are nice to me because I'm nice to them.
It's true, she's enchanting.
I hope you get demoted to the regular lane.
I cannot believe you went there.
Hi, Wanda.
Andi, look at you, you're glowing.
Oh, it's sweat.
I ate three burritos.
I got the meat sweats.
I'm disgusting.
- No, you pregnant.
- Hm.
- Anyway, I'm surprising Bobby with lunch.
- All right, Mrs.
Gilbert needs to come back in six months.
And tell her I know those things aren't getting up there by accident.
Hi, Will.
Hey, Andi.
Who's that? Oh, that's Raquel.
She's gorgeous.
She's the Playmate of the Year.
Oh, my God, you have a Playmate patient? She's not my patient, she's Bobby's.
Oh, my God, for how long? Couple years.
Oh, my God, what is she in for? Just the standard vagina stuff.
Andi, what a great surprise.
Raquel, I'm ready for you.
You can go on inside and get undressed, - I'll be right in.
- Thank you.
Whoa.
Somebody smells like burritos.
I'll meet you in the office after? What are you doing? Oh, just warming up my hands.
Like I said.
When you're nice to people, they're nice in return.
- Try it and you'll see.
- Fine, I will be incredibly pleasant, and because I'm not all of that, it will not make a bit of difference.
Hi, Arthur.
Don't know if you remember me.
Oh, the tampon-onion-condom lady.
Look, I-I think we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, and I want to apologize.
All right, I am listening.
I didn't mean to devalue you or the rules of the supermarket.
And I like your vest.
The blue really matches your eyes.
They're actually green, but compliment taken.
Would you like a Mylar balloon that we normally only give to toddlers? Oh, no, that's o Okay, thank you.
Well, a smile is the raincoat you wear in the sunshine.
Wow, what a thing to say.
Would you care to donate to children in need? I would love to.
Great, just enter the amount you would care to give on the keypad.
Okay.
Shoot, uh, I-I meant to press five, but I punched in 50.
All right, $50 it is.
No-no-no.
No, I meant to press five, so you just need to give me back $45.
You want to take $45 away from the children? No, I'm not taking anything away, I never meant to give that much.
Have you seen these children? Do you know what they've been through? They don't have a balloon.
They can have my balloon.
And I'll take my $45, so just open the drawer - and give me the money.
- Is this a robbery? Yes, it's a robbery, you are stealing - my money - Okay, we're leaving.
I don't get it, what did I do wrong? You should have told me you had a Playmate patient.
I never discuss my patients.
Plus, I don't think of her as a Playmate.
I'm a gynecologist.
A vagina is a vagina is a vagina.
Okay, but you look at the magazine.
Well, yeah, that's just me being a guy.
Okay, so which part of you is the "gy," and which part of you is the "necologist?" Andi, this is crazy.
I'm a doctor.
What, are you gonna have a problem with every Playmate patient I have? There are others? Yeah, well, you get February, February tells November, November's like, "Hey, October" So how many are there? I don't know six.
Six.
Teen, 16.
16? There's only 12 months in the year.
Yeah, well, sometimes it's twins.
So Lowell is joining us for guy's night.
Yeah, well, you know, I thought about it, and Andi had a good point about him being left out.
And she saw Raquel.
Just trying to make my life easier.
So, what's on tap for tonight? Oh, just a little something called red velvet cupcakes! Ah Cupcake, I cannot wait to put you inside me.
Too far? Oh, it's getting ready to start.
Here we go.
All right.
G'day, lads! - Hey! - Hey! - Here we go.
Oh, I thought the girls were out tonight.
They are.
Then what's with the wine and the cupcakes? And what are you watching? The Good Wife.
It's a good show.
What kind of dude's night is this? What are you gonna do later, braid each other's hair and cut pictures of boys out of magazines? First of all this is a red velvet cupcake with buttercream frosting.
And it pairs beautifully with this Pinot Grigio.
What? No, boys, come on.
I thought we'd start drinking here, then we'd go to a bar and we'd drink some more, and then we'd come back here and keep bloody drinking.
- Duh.
I mean - Of course.
You misunderstood us.
We-we like to start with the cupcakes to line our stomachs for the bourbon - and-and the whiskey.
- Right.
Bourbon is whiskey, Bob.
Obviously.
We're testing you.
Give me that.
There it is.
Oh Burns.
Burns Just admit I'm right and you're wrong.
I was nice and he still didn't ring me up.
Okay, you weren't nice.
You tried to steal money from starving children.
I went through this with Arthur, I went through this with store security, I'm not gonna go through it with you.
You are never gonna believe who Bobby's patient is.
Raquel Pomplun, Playmate of the Year.
- No! - Really? Yes.
And not just her, there are other Playmates and actresses and, like, five supermodels.
Bobby's had his hands on supervag? I know.
This whole time I thought that he was examining ordinary, run-of-the-mill women all day.
I thought I was his supervag.
First of all, Bobby worships you.
Second of all, a pretty face does not necessarily mean a pretty vag.
It's true.
For all we know, this one's is a horror show.
Okay, mine is very pretty.
And nice.
But it's true.
Gorgeous women can have gross ones, and gross women can have gorgeous ones.
- Remember Suzette DiPrima? - Yes.
Stunning face.
They called her flapjacks.
- You know, because there was sort of a - Yes, we got it.
Thank you.
Maybe I'm just getting in my head.
I'm sure mine is just as great as Bobby's gorgeous patients.
- Well - Eh What? We've seen you in the sauna.
And? Let's just say the garden's gotten a little - overgrown.
- Yeah.
When was the last time you got a wax? I don't know.
Who keeps track of these things? Most women.
Forgive me if, in my current state, I don't want to get naked in front of some stranger.
You don't have to go to a stranger.
- There are at-home waxing kits.
- Yeah.
I'll buy one for you, and you can hack through it in the privacy of your own home.
I mean, really? Do you want your baby to enter the world through that haystack? I feel horrible.
Why is it so dark? 'Cause your hand is covering your face.
Rise and shine, boys.
Lowell, are you not hungover? Oh, yeah, I've never been in more pain in my life.
Pancakes? Why do I have underwear in my pocket? That's my underwear.
How do you reckon we got back here? 'Cause I don't remember anything after Bobby threw up and we got kicked out of that taxi.
I remember break-dancing in the mall for money.
I remember bikes.
Did we buy bikes? Did we steal bikes? Not just any bikes.
Police bikes! We stole police bikes.
From the police.
- Oh, my God! - Shh! Andi and Charlie are still sleeping.
And panicking doesn't help anyone.
Who's panicking? This is bloody awesome! Nothing like a prank to bring the boys together, eh? It's not a prank.
It's a crime.
We stole police bikes.
From the police.
Okay, I'm sure if we just take them back and explain to the police, they'll understand.
Oh, yeah, sure.
'Cause if there's one thing the LAPD is famous for, it's their understanding.
We could go to jail.
Cupcakes and The Good Wife just weren't enough for you.
Don't put this on me.
You guys said you go drinking all the time.
- Clearly we were lying! - All right, all right.
Look, let's not point fingers, all right? - We all know this is Lowell's fault.
- What? All right, look, we need a game plan, all right? We got to have these bikes out of here before Andi wakes up, and the police station is seven blocks away And? Sorry.
I thought I was gonna throw up again.
We take the bikes - through side streets and alleys - Yeah.
And we do what any responsible adult would do leave 'em at the police station and run away.
Excuse me, miss, could you go a little faster, please? I'm trying not to draw attention to us.
We're going so slow my bike keeps tipping over.
Cops! What? What? Where? Where are the cops? It's us.
We are the cops.
Bet you these are the kids that egged Mr.
Kaplan's car.
I mean, sure, Kaplan's a douche, but still Hi, Officers.
We weren't doing anything.
I swear.
Actually we're not We're not gonna arrest you this time.
But we're gonna be watching you, you little sons of bitches.
Now step away from that stuff! Yeah.
Or else we'll shoot you.
- What? - No, we're not gonna shoot them.
But we will arrest you.
Please don't.
My parents will kill me.
Well, lucky for you, we're feeling generous today.
We'll let you off with just a warning.
Stay in school and don't do drugs.
Now get out of here, you little perps.
Go on.
Get! - That was awesome.
- Right? How badass were we just then? And you with the American accent.
"Perps"? Where'd you learn that? Jules loves Law & Order.
Chung-chung.
Well, we had our fun here.
I think we all know what we need to do now.
All right, the wax is almost ready.
30 seconds till the deforestation begins.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I mean, the best part of being married, you guys, is that you get to let yourself go.
What about love, companionship, intimacy? Anyway, you're not doing this for Bobby.
You're doing this for you.
And us.
Seriously, going to the beach with you is traumatizing.
Andi, you're gonna have to trim first.
Do you have scissors? I do.
Okay, well, let's not set the scissors up to fail.
Now go give that kitty a crew cut.
Well, we cleaned up the streets of this upper middle-class neighborhood.
Maybe time to return these bad boys.
One more lap? Just to make sure everything's safe.
Protected serve.
Boom! All right.
Cops! Hi, Officers.
Yeah, I know how this looks, but, actually, - we can explain.
You see, last night - I stole the bikes.
- What? - Bob, you're a dad and you're a doctor, mate.
All right, you got too much to lose.
Look, I got really drunk last night.
I made a stupid mistake.
My friends were just helping me return the bikes.
So if you're gonna arrest anyone, it should be me.
Well, it seems like you feel pretty bad about it.
Uh how 'bout you take the bikes back down to the station.
We'll, uh, forget the whole thing.
- Really? Officers, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
This'll never happen again.
Thank you! Have a good day! Think we should've told 'em we were strippers? - I'm hot.
- Yes, exactly, you're hot.
That's why the world gives you things.
No, I mean I'm physically warm.
And my eye is all itchy.
Guys, the wax isn't getting hard.
It's still all sticky.
What happened? I knocked stuff off the counter.
Oh, no.
Now a toothbrush is stuck on there.
Nope, got it off.
Don't tell Will.
Well, the wax should be hard by now.
Well, it's not.
Can you read the instructions, please? Okay.
"Apply wax to desired area.
" It's all over the desired area.
And it's dripping into some very undesired areas.
"Immediately use fabric strips to remove.
" There are no fabric strips.
"Fabric strips sold separately" What? What'd you just say? - Get your stuff, get your stuff.
- We're going.
Guys? Guys? Um, I think we have a problem.
- Yeah, no kidding we have a problem.
- Guys? No, no, no, no, no.
I touched the wax and then touched my eye, and I think I'm having an allergic reaction.
Does it look bad? You know, I think the swelling's going down.
Really? No, your eye looks like a sideways vagina.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't check if the wax had paraben in it.
I can't keep track of everything you're allergic to.
Paraben.
Paraben is the only thing I'm allergic to.
You know what? I just want to get my Benadryl and my calamine and my ice creams.
And I just want to go home.
I'm sorry, that is clearly more than 12 items.
Oh, no, Arthur, it's me.
The nice girl from yesterday.
I just, I had an allergic reaction.
And I'm in a bit of a rush, so Oh, interesting.
Anyone else here in a bit of a rush? Wait, I'm confused.
When she was in before, you let her sail right through.
Hmm, I wonder what's different? Arthur.
You're not dissing me because of this? No.
I'm dissing you because you have more than 12 items.
This is God's problem.
Oh, you know what, Arthur? Why don't you take that smile raincoat and shove it up your Go, go.
They ran away.
They both ran away and I had to deal with it.
I had to use one of Charlie's dinosaur toys to scrape it off.
Well, why were you in that situation in the first place? Because I wanted to be pretty down there.
What with all the vaginal glory you stare at all day.
Oh, my God, is that what this is about Raquel? I can't compete with Playmates.
Ever since I had Charlie, whenever I sneeze, a little pee comes out.
You don't have to compete.
No one's comparing them to you but you.
Andi, I think you're the sexiest woman in the whole world.
- Really? - Yes.
And in my professional and personal opinion, your vagina's perfect.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What? Nothing.
Okay, The Good Wife is fantastic.
Julianna Margulies is strong, yet she's so vulnerable.
Right? She lights up the screen.
Cheers! Cheers! Oh top off my Pinot for me, will you? Hello? Eat it, you douche.
Bulls-eye! Those little sons of bitches.