Full English (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Edgar, put the paper down and help me with the washing up.
I'm tired! Me and Moses had a really big walk today.
Look at him! He looks dead.
Is he dead? Moses? Dusty, can't you help your mother? He's busy looking for jobs.
Wants to find his destiny, don't you, love? I call it my Dustiny! I have an interview today.
And I have shaved to create a good first impression.
You missed a bit.
Like, your whole face.
No, no.
I have shaved my goolieballs.
Thank you for the loan of your razor, Dad.
I used that on my own face this morning! So your balls have now been on my face.
That's not right.
By the way, I need to borrow your car.
Great.
How am I going to get to work, then, Jason? Hmm That's a thinker.
Well, Eve, my sweetness, my light, at least you're not asking me for anything Back off, Dad! Respect my space! Can I give anything else to anyone? Eh? Perhaps a kidney? One of my balls? Maybe I should do a little dance.
Don't do that, darling.
Fine.
I'll see you later.
Oh, fuck.
Salad.
Really? 'Get into my office, chicken legs!' Ken? 'Gay!' Ow! 'Gay, gay, gay!' Ow! What are you? Why? 'Gay, gay! 'Gay, gay, gay!' Ow! Ow! Ow! Really? Took your time.
I ran as quickly as I was able! Not you! You.
You're fired.
You're all teeth.
Ow! I'm already here.
Stop it.
Remember the day you married my daughter? I told you I'd never like you.
But now you've been working for me all these years, you've given me three grandchildren and I've got to know you.
And it turns out I like you even less.
You called me into the Jacuzzi office just to tell me that? No.
Charming.
I'm developing a new confection for my confectionery empire.
It's a mixture of chocolate and toffee and I call it - get this - "coffee"! - That's already a thing.
- Silence, you pox-ridden arse bender! I want you out.
What? Not you, her.
Shame on you! Now.
This so-called "coffee" project, that is brand-new and entirely unique, needs serious mind focus.
It's already a thing.
I'm putting you on this.
I want you to stay late, come in early, miss lunch and wear this.
You know, I get all these demands at home and then I come into work for this.
I've had it up to here! Or maybe here? Certainly no less than about there.
God, I feel I'm so angry I could flipping break something! No-o-o-o-o! You've lost your mind.
You need some time off.
And I know just the place.
Who else thinks this is a bit of an over-reaction? He's lost it! Control him! Bleugh He looks so peaceful.
Let's draw a moustache on him! What qualifies you for a job with us? I'm enthusiastic, I think creatively Also, I shaved my goolieballs.
They are smooth as the voice of Lionel Richie.
Regarde Please get out.
I wish I could find my Dustiny.
Hey, little fella.
Are you lost? Like me? Let me stroke that little head of yours Ow! My hand! Stop! Give it back! What's happened to my hand? I'm a freak! No, you're not.
You're a hero.
'It was then that I realised my Dustiny.
'I had been bitten by what must have been a radioactive squirrel 'and given powers I could not yet understand or use.
'It was my responsibility, my Dustiny, to fight crime and' Why are you talking to yourself? The girl was so beautiful I wanted to reach out and touch her.
So I did.
Aaah! I still don't know what powers you have given me.
But I thank you.
Ow! My hand! Welcome.
I'm Alberta Stone Mind-doctor.
I'm not crazy.
I beg to differ.
You've drawn a little goatee on your own face.
That's insane.
You're almost as bad as Sugar.
You're fired, I'm fired up, I'm fired ready, I'm ready to go.
Guys, you need to get me out of here.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Dad said you got pretty crazy back in the office.
I should never have broken that pencil.
That was dangerous.
But this place is full of actual mentals! That man over there wants to hurt me.
Darling, he seems normal.
Look! Look round.
Look round now! See? Look what he's doing! Now he's not doing it.
There's nothing wrong with him, Dad.
And his son's, like, steamy hot.
It's like I've been waiting for you all my life.
Just looking at you makes me tingle and makes me feel so excited I don't know what to do with myself! You have to believe me, this place is weird.
This freak over there thinks he's got little people in his head operating his brain.
Maybe he does! Damn it, they're onto us.
Activate the emergency escape hatch! I think they're gone! I'm free! Ow! See? I'm not mad.
I'm nothing like that guy! We're in the clear.
Now kiss me, you fool.
Please don't tell my wife I said that.
Dad's just worried about you.
We all are.
Get some rest, OK? Jason, you're the man of the house now.
You have to fill my shoes.
What with? No, I mean, you have to take my place in the household.
Does that mean I have to sleep with Mum? No, I mean You're not listening.
He's lost it! Control him! Bleugh Jason, why are you wearing Dad's clothes? Dad said I was the man of the house now.
That means I'm him.
So you and I have to have the same relationship you and he do.
Fuck off and don't talk to me.
That sounds about right.
Ah, Grandchild! I'm sorry, Dad.
She's going through that awkward phase, you know? Ah.
The awkward, irrational phase.
It's called being a woman! Am I right? No-one? Tough room.
Tea time.
Are you sure Edgar needs to be in that place? We're all so worried about him.
You didn't see what happened in that office.
It was disgusting.
Just give me one week, daughter.
I promise he'll come out of that place a new man.
I suppose it looks quite nice.
But, Dad, if my husband's mad, what does that make you? You still talk to your imaginary friend from childhood.
Ha! That's ridiculous! Yes, when I was a lonely foolish ten-year-old he was my only comfort.
But I'm a grown man.
To have an imaginary friend at my age would be absurd.
Crazy talk.
I'm sorry, Squidge.
I should never have denied you.
You hurt Squidge's feelings.
And I'll make it up to you.
The scallops are heavenly, Steven.
Well done.
Now I'm going to feed them to Gregg as if they were on a choo-choo train.
So open wide there, Gregory! OK.
Train's coming into the station.
- Bring it in.
- Suck 'em up.
Choo-choo! Oh, yeah.
Good boy, Gregory! Hey.
You are not crazy, are you? That's very perceptive.
How did you know? I saw you earlier with your family.
Maybe I can help you.
I am Mahommo.
Hmm, well, that's that's very exciting for you but I am married so, you know No, no, no, no! Mahommo - that is my name.
Oh! I'm Edgar.
And not gay.
Like you, I'm also not crazy.
Although give me a few beers and I get pretty wild! Come with me.
Edgar, meet Nigel, Roland and Sir Lord Alan Sugar.
Hello.
All right? Eeggh! I don't understand.
What is this? Imagine a place where there is no stress, no responsibility, no family making demands on you No need to turn on private browsing.
This is our sanctuary.
Wait, so let me get this straight.
You're all pretending to be insane to get away from your families? Yes.
Yes, we are.
I am the Lemon Master! FEEL MY ZEST! Well, apart from Alan.
He is actually crazy.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Guys, this is amazing! I'm blown away by what you're doing here.
You are rewriting Man-History.
This, my friend, is paradise.
Eeergh.
Oh.
I think Alan needs a change.
This is the borough I choose to defend.
These are the people who can now walk safe.
Thanks to me Squirrel Man! First - squirrel food.
Yummy.
Hey chumps.
You're in a whole world of trouble.
Who are you, man? Oi, this bloke's fucking mental, innit.
My secret identity is Dusty Johnson.
But you know me only as Squirrel Man.
Taste my nuts! Hey, Mum.
I mean, darling.
Are those your dad's clothes? Yeah, I'm the man of the house now.
That's how he wanted it.
So, what does he normally do to help? Let me see, he gets back from work and puts the TV on while I do everything.
If anyone should be having a nervous breakdown, it's me! We need to have a word.
I've been at work all day, trying to support this family and I'm tired! Let's not row.
What do you and dad normally do to make up? Well, we usually go upstairs and Yeah, let's not do that.
I'm not sure about this fellas.
She's got her angry face on.
If you want to stay here she needs to believe you are still crazy.
Don't you want to keep the dream alive? Keep the dream alive, keep the dream alive.
Guys, this has been the best three and a half hours of my meagre life.
But I can't lie to her.
It's not that I don't want to, I'm just not very good at it.
Besides, maybe it's time that we all got back to some kind of reality.
Shinobi sex move! Apart from Alan.
He does his own thing.
Darling! I hope you're having a nice time here.
I see they've got a hot tub, massage therapy Horse riding! I do everything around the house, Edgar, and yet you're in here, having a nice, relaxing time.
You need to come home and start pulling your weight.
Erm, Shinobi sex move! Oh, look, guys, it's James Corden! If he makes any reference to his weight, I'm going to be in pieces.
He's lifting his shirt up, look! Huh! Look at him He's pointing at his stomach! He's showing us his fat! He's a genius! Oh, Mahommo.
You've finished your treatment already? Yes.
I've realised that my family is the most important thing.
I want to go home and be a better husband.
I live to serve my family.
I live to serve my family.
I live to serve my family.
Well, that was weird.
Oh, my God! James Corden's wearing shorts! Well, that's odd.
So, this is where the magic happens.
OK, Nigel.
Just relax You live to serve your family.
They are the most important thing.
Not this or this or these.
You live to serve your family.
You live to serve your family.
You live to serve your family.
How do you feel, Nigel? I live to serve my family.
Excellent.
So Edgar will be having the procedure tomorrow, yes? Aha.
I'll finally give my daughter a husband she deserves.
Oh, shit.
You're the one I've been waiting for.
So hot.
So dreamy.
I want to play with that silky hair, I want to curl it into tiny little ringlets and kiss your Who's that love? He looks nice.
Respect my space! Wendy! Wendy, you've got to get me out of here! They want me to be a better husband and father.
That doesn't sound so bad No, no, you don't understand.
They are programming people's brains.
And They're Hello? Hello? Wendy! Good evening, Edgar.
How dare you.
You are not going to make me a better husband.
Yes, I am.
Unfortunately, I can't make your procedure happen tonight.
The Chuckle Brothers are scheduled for a double session.
But just so you don't go anywhere in the meantime Noooooooo! I need the toilet! I'm not sure how much longer she can hold, Captain! Keep her steady, McTavish.
Keep her steady.
Good work.
Captain, have you ever wondered if there are tiny people inside our heads controlling us as we do Edgar? Don't be absurd McTavish.
That's pure fantasy Close call, guys.
Moses! Shame on you! Hey, Mum, that's gross! How did this happen? Well, your dad's the one who takes Moses out every day.
I suppose he's been clearing up after him this whole time.
That's so sweet! You're so weird.
It's time your dad came home.
We're all going down to the hospital to get him back.
This is great news! I don't have to be your father any more, sis.
We can go back to a good old brother-sister relationship.
Fuck off and don't talk to me.
That sounds about right.
I might be able to help.
You know the famous vigilante superhero Squirrel Man of whom we hear so much? - No.
- I know him.
Personally.
I have his email.
I will email him! Dusty, love, I'd rather you went to the hospital and had that hand seen to.
Of course.
I will go and recover in hospital while Squirrel Man comes to your aid.
Proof once more that, despite much speculation, I am not Squirrel Man.
Please, don't do this! Give me one good reason.
Um I'd prefer you not to? Um Um Um You make an excellent case, but no.
We are his family and we're not leaving until you release Edgar Johnson! This is boring.
I'm leaving.
Ohmigod.
It's you.
I've been dreaming about this moment for, well, not that long, actually, but it's still like so fucking cool.
Are you here to see someone? Is someone close to you mental? Cause I know how you feel.
You're just another mental aren't you? Fuck! Delete.
Fire! Fire! Quick! Well done, darling.
Let's go! Goodbye Edgar.
Hello son.
Just relax Don't worry, darling, I've found him! Sweetheart! Are you OK? They wanted to try out a radical new shock treatment on him, but I said, "No.
Not on my son-in-law.
" But, Dad, what Out you go.
Quickly, there's no time! Where do you think you're going? Not so fast.
What the fuck is that? Run! Run for your life! My hand.
The source of all my powers, whatever they might have been.
It's healed.
Actually, son, it turns out you had a severe case of rabies.
That's why you were feeling so weird.
So Squirrel Man is no more.
He thought he could help people.
He thought it was his Dustiny You did help.
If it wasn't for you, we'd never have got your dad out of that hospital.
And the garden would still be full of shit.
Well done, darling Then his work is done.
Goodbye, old friend.
Maybe when I get out of this bed, I'll return the favour and bite your hand.
Then you'll become a kind of human squirrel man and solve squirrel-related crimes, nut-stealing et cetera Godspeed, my friend.
Godspeed.
So you still remember nothing at all, eh, Edgar? No, not really.
The medication's made everything so fuzzy That's the idea.
I mean, an unfortunate side-effect.
Probably best not to dwell on the past.
Or on the glorious future that might have been.
Anyway, see you tomorrow.
You should know, it's naked Monday in the office.
So, he'll be naked, and everyone else will be clothed.
Oh, well, Squidge.
Just you and me again.
Let's go to a strip club! I want to see some titties! Excellent idea, old friend.
Wendy, I do remember one thing about that place.
I do remember how much I missed you.
I'm glad you're back, love.
And don't worry about the washing up.
I've got it.
Oh, no, hang on.
I've got a better idea.
It's not that funny.
It isn't.
You should be used to what it looks like by now! Oh, Edgar!