Full House s01e05 Episode Script

She's driving.
Well, she's dri-- She's driving, okay.
She's driving down, dri-- Drive-- She's driving.
Dri-- She's dri-- Maybe she's walking.
Jesse, you gotta see this.
Not now.
I'm working on this tune about this outrageous Italian goddess who drives a Lamborghini.
What rhymes with Lamborghini? How about Cecil and Beany? How about, "You're a weenie"? Jesse, check out this serious toddling.
Tracking shot.
Tracking shot.
Come on, Michelle.
Danny, the kid's been walking for three days.
You haven't stopped.
I feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.
Know what this means? My sweet little Michelle, she's now an object-grabbing heat-seeking instrument of destruction.
Hear this, humans.
I am Robo-Baby.
- Is Grandma here? - Not yet.
- Look how cute you two look.
- Cute.
Just what we need.
More cute.
Grandma better get here soon.
We're very busy with honeybee business.
Joey, keep taping.
Girls, on the steps.
I wanna ask you something.
D.
J.
, so how does it feel to finally be retiring as queen bee? Great.
I'm way too old for this outfit.
It's time to pass my antenna onto the bees of the future.
I be so happy.
Girls, do the secret honeybee hello.
Okay, but I cannot allow this on tape.
That's Grandma.
We gotta buzz off.
Okay, come here, Michelle.
Here's the baby's bag.
Oh, yeah, here's the baby.
- There you go.
- Bye.
Bye.
See you later, boys.
Guys there's no children in the house.
You hear what I hear? - I don't hear anything.
- Exactly.
It's silence.
Wha--? I can't believe this.
I have no parental responsibilities.
This is great.
No, that's not true.
I really miss my kids.
- No, that's not true.
This is great.
- All right.
Let's party, boys.
- I got an idea.
Let's get some girls.
- Great.
There's a Three Stooges festival downtown.
You can meet some really fun girls there and the great part is, they don't mind if you poke them in the eye.
- I don't know.
- I got a better idea.
I get on my Harley, you follow in the Country Squire.
Not too close.
Cruise up to Tahoe.
Harrahs is having a Marilyn Monroe look-alike night.
- How do you know about this? - How do you not know about this? Guys, we've never had a boys' night out, just the three of us.
Let's go out together and just do some male bonding.
Male bonding? Joey, you wanna bond? All I want is a woman who, at just the right moment, goes: Guys, time-out.
I can't do this.
It's only been five months since I lost Pam.
Hey, don't let me stand in your way.
I'll be fine.
I'll just stay home alone.
Maybe change the part in my hair.
You guys go out.
Have a great time.
- Never mind.
- Never mind.
Okay, we're available for bonding.
- I'll do whatever you want.
I promise.
- Great.
You're not gonna think about women when you see what I've got in store.
Let's go fishing.
Neptune's Bride sails at midnight.
Great.
I've been dying for a place to wear this outfit.
All right.
Let's get this wonderful, fun-filled magical night of bonding over with.
Jesse, we're going fishing.
You look ridiculous.
I look ridiculous? Gilligan's living room.
No, wait.
Don't hang up.
Sorry.
I'm not supposed to answer the phone.
Yes, Jesse's here.
Who may I say is calling? - Give me the phone.
- No! Get out of town! The Roxanna? The rock star, Roxanna? - Come on.
- Jesse, how do you know Roxanna? All right.
We had this hot and heavy thing for a while.
Actually, it was kind of serious.
We dated.
She became a big star, went on the road so we drifted apart.
Give me the phone.
Is this true? Your story checks out.
So, Roxanna how's your new album? Joseph, you leave me no choice.
- Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Hello.
Oh, sorry.
That was Joey.
He was raised by a family of really stupid wolves.
How are you doing? I'm doing great, yeah.
My music? My music's going really well.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
You told me you couldn't even find a job.
Beat it, wolf boy.
You know it'd be really nice to see you again.
Tonight? Yeah, tonight would be good.
Jesse, you promised.
But actually, I can't tonight.
I'm going fish-- I'm going boating.
I'm going yachting actually.
I'm going yachting on a boat.
Yeah.
We're having a big party.
Neptune's Bride.
Yeah.
Champagne, caviar, what have you.
All right.
Good.
I'll call you in the morning.
Bye.
- Thanks.
You're not gonna regret this.
- Why be with a beautiful rock star when I can spend the evening with Thurston Howell Ill and Mr.
Paul, the human fish stick.
Ahoy, mateys.
There she be.
Neptune's Bride.
The finest lady to sail the seven seas.
I say we mount her.
That's board her, squid head.
Isn't this great? A night of men doing manly things.
There isn't a manlier man among men than the old salty dog who pilots this vessel.
Old Captain Jack, where you be? He be retired.
I'm his granddaughter, Caroline.
I'll be your captain this evening.
Oh, yeah.
Men don't come any manlier.
Okay, so except for old Captain Caroline, it's boys' night out.
Manly men doing masculine things.
Jesse.
Roxanna.
Have mercy.
Come here.
What are you doing here? I tracked you down.
I'm going on tour tomorrow and I just had to see you.
These are my backup singers.
- I'm Yvonne.
- I'm Vega.
I'm happy.
Jesse, this isn't a yacht.
Oh, yeah.
You're telling me.
Last time I ever rent a yacht from a guy named Ice Pick.
So, what? There's not a party? We're here to fish.
There's no party.
- There is now.
- Yeah! - Come on.
- Let's do it.
All right, that's Joey.
This is Danny.
Which one's Yvonne? Which one's Vega? Thanks for helping me with the anchor, Danny.
Caroline, I live for this stuff.
Well, take a look at me.
Did I forget anything? You could be the centerfold for Field & Stream.
Excuse me, girls.
Boys, it's time for fishing.
Oh, boy, am I a happy camper.
- Okay, Jesse.
What do you want? - I don't care.
You want the Daiwa lightweight graphite Superflex or the Shimano Triton SpeedMaster? - I really don't care.
- How could you not care? The Daiwa has a 40-pound test and the Shimano has 50.
I don't care.
Give me the Daiwa.
The Daiwa.
In these waters, bad choice.
I don't care.
Give me a worm and some dental floss.
- I'll take the Shimano.
- The hell you will.
No way I'm getting stuck in these waters with a Daiwa.
Look at this, I got the Shimano.
The Shimano? In waters like this? Look at that.
Full moon.
There was a full moon the last night we were together.
You remember Big Sur? I remember we rented that cabin and went crazy in every room.
Yeah, then we went down to the beach and we got even crazier.
Remember the seals were clapping for us.
That's ancient history, right? Yeah, it's all in the past.
Just a shooting star that burned itself out.
Nothing but memories.
Yep, the magic's gone.
You guys just butchered a classic.
Yoo-hoo, champagne's gone.
Now what? Well, ladies, how about a ménage à fish.
We'd need a lot more champagne.
You gotta admit, it is kind of sexy out here.
All the rolling and swaying, swaying and rolling.
Up and down, down and up.
Excuse us.
Yep.
I know how to push all the right buttons.
- Well, we're in a great spot here.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm psyched.
I got my lucky pole, my lucky hat my lucky underwear with little sharks on it.
- But I digress.
- You're kind of funny.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
All right, Joey.
It's time for a fishing lesson from the master.
All right, Danny.
Show me how it's done.
The art of casting.
Click back your winder, thumb on the line cast forward with a firm flowing motion release your thumb and let her go.
Got it.
Click back your winder, thumb on the line cast forward with a firm flowing motion release your thumb and let her go.
- He got another one.
- He got-- That makes four.
I can't believe I haven't caught a thing.
- This makes five for us.
- All right.
It's a beauty.
How can this be? Look what they're wearing.
Oh, great.
My bait is yawning.
Wake up.
Would you wake up, please? Danny, is something wrong? Where's the scuba gear? There's something sinister going on down there.
You think the fish got together and made a group decision to avoid your hook? It's the only logical explanation.
This is so boring reeling in fish after fish after fish.
Will you shut up? You know, I wish we could see each other more often.
I know.
The only time I see you now is on MTV.
I owe a lot of my success to you.
Roxanna, you made it because you're good.
Remember the first song you sang in my band? - Yeah.
How can I forget? - Know what tune? Do it.
That's it.
Fellas? This is good.
Let's do some choreography.
Yeah! That was almost fun.
I'm coming, beanie boy.
Hold on.
Anybody else want some more of my halibut - my albacore, my swordfish.
- Shut up.
You're just cranky because you got pulled overboard by a Michelin Radial.
Hey, that tire had an incredible will to live.
Hey, Roxanna, we'll meet you back at the hotel.
Thanks for breakfast, guys.
Oh, and thanks for the Pepto-Bismol.
I know my antacids.
You know, Joey, being with you actually bordered on fun.
Yeah.
I hear that a lot.
You know, Joey, we've met a lot of men.
And well, now we've met you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Seems like we're always saying goodbye, huh? I hate it.
Jesse, come on the road with me.
Join your band? Well, no.
We're an all-girl group and you're definitely not a girl.
Then why would I go on the road with you? Just to be with me? Do what? Carry your bags for you? - Tune your guitar? That what you want? - No.
Think I've got nothing better to do than follow you? - You know, I really had a great time.
- So did I.
How about if I make you dinner? Dinner? You know, food you eat when it gets dark? No dinner.
How about lunch? No.
No lunch, no food.
Liquid protein? Look, Caroline I'm real sorry but I think this whole thing was just kind of a big mistake.
You really shouldn't be here right now because you really should be somewhere else.
Let me walk you to the door, okay? - Jesse, you're overreacting.
- No, I'm not.
Come on, let's go.
- This is not gonna work out.
Go.
- Jesse.
- Get in your limousine.
- All right, everybody freeze.
I need to see Jesse and Danny in the kitchen right now.
- Joey, I'm in the middle of something.
- Humor me.
Girls, please don't leave.
Caroline, you like fish.
Roxanna, you like music.
Talk about Muddy Waters.
Joey, what is your problem? You guys are crazy.
You had a nice time with Caroline, you with Roxanna.
What's the story here? - Caroline and I are none of your business.
- Neither are Roxanna and I.
Jesse.
Your attitude wouldn't have anything to do with her success? No.
I don't know.
All right, I do know.
I mean, I put her band together, me.
I put the band together, she's a big star.
I put my band together, we're playing dives.
I promised myself, by the time I was 24, I'm gonna have a record deal.
I'm 24 and a half.
When's it gonna be my turn? Hey, I know how that feels.
It's like when I see ALF, I go nuts.
I'm doing my standup in little nightclubs and a carpet sample has a series.
But, you know, if we hang in there we're gonna make it.
Danny, why are you so upset with Caroline? Because she wanted to make me dinner.
The real problem is you like her.
Okay, I do like her.
And it scares me.
Ever since Pam everything is just so hard, so confusing.
I know how tough this has been on you.
That's how life is.
It's a struggle.
What helps you get through the tough times are the people by your side.
So when people like Roxanna and Caroline come along why push them away because you're frustrated with your career and because you're not ready to date yet? You're throwing away what could be great friendships.
Is this the same guy who spends hours perfecting underarm noises? Where is this coming from? From my heart.
I did have some help with the words.
It's what Scooby-Doo told Scrappy-Doo last Saturday morning.
Thanks, Joey.
Come here, you big goof.
All right.
We got in some male bonding after all.
Will you guys excuse me for a moment? Caroline, could I talk to you, please? - Hi.
- Hi.
Look, I'm real sorry I flipped out.
It's just that.
Well, you know about my wife.
And I'm just not ready for this yet.
I really do like you.
Do you think maybe you and I could, like, just be friends? I think that would be great.
Roxanna, I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe I was acting a little bit-- What's the word I'm looking for? Insanely jealous.
Jesse, your time's gonna come.
You're too good.
You know I can't go with you.
I know.
I just want us to be together.
Well, maybe someday we will be.
But in the meantime you gotta realize a guy like me I gotta be freewheeling.
I gotta be riding on the wind.
I gotta be living on the edge.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Will you help me off with my stinger? - Sure, kid.
Well I'm living on the edge of cuteness.