Fun at the Funeral Parlour (2001) s01e05 Episode Script
Blue Ice
1 (ROOSTER CROWS) I'll be back at lunch time, love.
Right-o, I'll put the kettle on very slow then.
You don't give me any grief, then.
Hey, Alwyn.
Not like her in there.
She gets on my nerves.
I think sometimes I married the wrong mammal.
Just imagine if you and I were married.
Christ, you're beautiful.
Kiss me.
(MOOS) Come on, just a little quickie.
You know you want it.
Sod you, then! (AEROPLANE ROARING) (WHOOSHING) Ah.
Iechyd da, Perce.
Hold up.
Why are you out of breath? You haven't been doing dirties in the chapel of rest again, have you? No, I haven't.
As a matter of fact, I'm knackered.
Do you realise how many bodies we've got about the place? They are not bodies, they're clients, remember.
Okay, clients then, 20 of the dead buggers.
Yeah, well, it's been a good week thanks to the summertime lurgy, man.
I know that, but some of them are starting to turn.
Can't cope on our own.
We need some extra help.
And as for Arwell, he's no bloody use at the moment, is he? Why is that, then? Oh, he's in love or something.
He's moping around the place like Pepé Le Pew on heat.
Yes, I know.
He's being very secretive about this girlfriend of his.
I'll have a word.
Can't have secrets in the parlour.
Anyway, as regards to extra help, I've just put a card in the window asking for an undertaker's apprentice.
Just temporary like, to help you out until things die down.
Till things die down, lad.
Undertaker's apprentice, die down.
(CHUCKLES) Och! Are we rolling? (CLEARS THROAT) Hello, I'm undercover journalist, Donal Mullofkintyre.
This week, funeral parlours.
I'm going to find out what happens to our loved ones after they die.
Are they adequately cared for? Or are they prodded with dirty fingers? Now, funeral parlours are notoriously dangerous places.
And this is the only one advertising for an apprentice.
I will attempt to secure the position.
And with the help of state-of-the-art hidden cameras like this, and a wig and a beard, I will reveal the truth.
So, tell me, child, what is your current vocation? (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) You're a gate shutter? Tell me, is that some kind of euphemism for being gay? Make you look pretty.
(SCREAMING) Where are you? (SCREAMING) - Oh.
- Watch it.
- Now look what you made me do.
I ruined his face.
- Oh.
- Trannie, was he? - No.
Anyway, what's she doing in here? She can't stay here, there's not enough room.
Well, there's no room anywhere else, either.
Must be somewhere cold you can store her.
Well, I tried Bejam's, but all their freezers are full of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Alphabites.
Alphabites.
You know, if I was Prime Minister, I'd send Alphabites to the Third World.
That way, they could eat and learn English at the same time.
Look, never mind famine solutions.
Leave that to Lennie Bennett.
Who's this girl you've been seeing? Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.
No one is allowed to know.
- Oh, go on, you can tell me.
- No.
(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) I'll tell you something, though.
She's so beautiful.
Her eyes sparkle.
Her skin is so soft.
And her hair blows in the wind like a willow tree.
When we're together, it's as if time stands still.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Oh, come on, just tell me who she is.
I won't tell a soul.
Scout's honour.
- You're not even a Scout.
- Okay, pervert's honour, then.
Just tell me.
No.
Besides, if I told you, you'd tell Da, and he'd kill me if he found out who it was.
Um Have you had any previous experience with dead bodies? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Udders, have you seen Dewi? (MOOS) He's what? (MOOS) He's been killed? (MOOS) In the back field? Oh, heavens to Betsy! Well, quick, get the doctor.
(MOOS) I always wanted to be an undertaker.
I think that caring for people when they're dead is just as important as when they're alive, if not more so.
I come from a long line of undertakers.
My father, my father's father, my father's father's father, my father's father's father's father, my father's father's father's father's father, my father's father's father's father, my father's Yes, yes, I think I get the gist, yes.
So why aren't you working for your father's father's funeral parlour? - My father's.
- Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah.
We had a little bit of a falling out after he shot my mother.
Oh, oh, I see.
Well, Elphick, you seem honest, genuine, kind, and you got a bit of class.
You are just what I've been looking for.
Besides which, all the other contenders have been crap.
The job is yours.
Thank you, Mr Thomas.
Thank you.
- When do I start? - Oh, immediately.
Now then, let me tell you a couple of things.
We run a perfectly respectable funeral parlour.
We are the second most successful funeral parlour out of the two funeral parlours in the village.
And our services are of the highest standard.
(PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.
Iechyd da, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas.
Oh, and Elphick.
Bollocks! You're having me on! Yeah.
Goodbye, now.
Goodbye.
- Customer? - Yes, a nice one, too.
Her name is Mrs Raymond.
She's a farmer's wife.
Well, a farmer's widow now.
A lovely woman.
And even better, now she's grieving.
Women are always attractive when wet around the eyes.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) Right, then.
Well, I think it's about time I introduced you to the other members of the firm.
(BELL DINGS) - Malt loaf? - Not for me, thanks.
Ah, my impeccable boys.
This is our new apprentice.
I'd like you to meet Elphick.
He's going to help us out for a while.
- How do you do? - ALL: Iechyd da.
Okay, boys, the first job.
I'd like you to pick up a body from King Edward's Cow and Potato Farm.
I'm afraid old Raymond has just been certified squashed.
And so has Alwyn, his beloved cow.
Squashed? How? - Blue ice.
- What's that? A huge lump of frozen jumbo sewage jettisoned from an overhead 747.
It fell out of the sky and landed on the farmer's face.
(WHISTLING) (BLOWING RASPBERRY) - Well, come on then, let's go.
- ARWELL: I'm not coming.
Why? I've got a date.
Oh, I've got a French letter upstairs, you might want toyou know.
I hardly think my date is going to be interested in your foreign correspondence.
Oh, twat.
Ah, don't you go anywhere, Arwell.
I want a little fatherly chat with you.
I must be very quiet.
I'm about to collect a dead body.
I'm in a very dangerous situation.
If I'm discovered (IMITATING CHOKING) I'll be killed.
My palms are sweating.
I must admit, I'm a little bit nervous being in the company of these thugs.
I can't stress how dangerous a situation this is.
Mother.
Come on then, let's go.
Are you in, Gwynne? Good.
- Does he ever speak? - Who, Gwynne? Oh, yes, yes, but his problem's come back, you see.
Speaking makes him wet.
- Wet? - Yes, yes, every time he speaks, he wets himself.
The longer the sentence, the longer the pee.
When he uses one word answers, it just results in a tiny, tiny drip.
- Isn't that right, Gwynne? - Aye.
I can't concentrate, Da.
She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
How long have you been seeing her? A day.
Then how the bloody hell do you know she's the best thing that's ever happened to you, you silly boy lemon? I just do.
I can't help it.
You'd be the same if you saw her.
Let me give you some advice.
- What's she like when she sleeps? - I beg your pardon? Well, a woman can be the most beautiful creature in the world when she's awake, but when she's asleep, it's a different story.
Her mouth is open.
Her face is squashed.
Her tongue is flopping and dripping like a slug.
(MOANING) See, what you must remember is that a couple spend more time asleep than they do awake.
So make sure that she's pretty in both states of consciousness if you want the relationship to last.
I've never seen her asleep.
- Have you seen her run? - What? That's the second test.
I remember the first girl I liked at school.
Oh, she was gorgeous.
Maria Twinpot was her name.
Oh, and I'd a crush on her for years.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) However, one sports day, I saw her do the 100-yard sprint.
And by Christ, did I feel sick.
Oh, you should've seen her face.
It was all screwed up and horrible, like PhilCollins with constipation.
- I haven't seen her run, either.
- Make sure you do before it's too late.
It's 1:00.
I'd better be getting on my way.
(EXCLAIMING) Just one more thing.
The third test.
Women hate pansy nice boys.
Take literature for example, right? Heathcliff was an arsehole, but Cathy kept running back to him.
I gave your mother everything.
I took her to the leisure centre.
I bought her cockles.
I gave her all my time every Tuesday for an hour.
And how did she repay me? She ran off with a bloody midget in show business.
He wasn't half the man I was.
Oh, no.
But she loved him, even though he kept her in a kennel.
Now, what I'm trying to say is treat them mean, keep them keen.
"Treat them mean, keep them keen.
" That's right.
Now, you listen to your father.
I may be a silly old piss artist, but I can hunt like a lion, boy.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) Have you seen her run? What's she like when she sleeps? - I've had a wonderful day.
- Me too.
- I'm scared, though.
- Why? If Da knew I was seeing you, he'd kill me.
My two dads would kill you, too.
In fact, they want your whole family to die.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
If they found out about us, they'd cut your balls off, cut your kidneys and feed you to the pigs.
I see.
Let's just keep it our little secret.
Can I see you tomorrow? We could go to the cinema or bowling or something.
Bowling? Great idea.
I'd love to.
IVOR: Treat them mean, keep them keen.
You skunk arse.
What did you say? You heard, dunderhead, or are your stupid big dumb ears deaf? - Well, shall we go or not? - Might, might not.
I'll have to check my diary, you mental.
Right, I'm going.
I don't have to take this from you.
Good, I don't like you, anyway, scruff-pot.
(EXCLAIMS) - What did you do that for, cacky knickers? - What's got into you? Shut your swollen tits, you fat-ankled, sausage-picking beef riddance.
- That's it.
I'm off.
- Oh, yes, off you go.
Off you go.
See if I care, you shabby, dank fart.
- Oh, I give up.
I can't do it.
- Do what? My da gave me some advice.
He said if I treated you mean, I'd keep you keen.
So that is what I was doing.
I was being mean on purpose.
If you want to keep me keen, treating me mean is the last thing you should do.
Anyway, you couldn't be mean if you tried.
I just did.
That wasn't mean.
You were just being a prick.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I was being silly.
Come on, I'll walk you almost home.
(GROANING) - There you go.
Wasn't so bad, was it? - No.
I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Still it was a very dangerous situation, though.
Oh, look, there's Arwell.
PERCY: I don't believe it.
ELPHICK: What? He's going out with Sian Bennett.
How in the name of Curtis Stigers did he manage that? Who is she? Who is she? She happens to be the daughter of our arch enemies, the Bennetts.
If Da knew he was seeing her, he'd go Oh, so that's why he's keeping it all hush-hush.
So, Arwell's been a dirty prick.
Well, I'll teach him.
Oh, yes, I'll teach him.
Okay, Elphick, time I showed you the ropes.
Now, this is the chapel.
This is where people pay their last respects.
Get a bit saucy in here sometimes, especially when I'm involved.
You know what I mean? Lady, lady.
I'm just showing somebody around.
Would you mind waiting outside? Should we just barge in like this? Yeah, bollocks to them.
It's my house, I'll do what I like.
- Yeah, but - No, look, do you want me to throw you out? - No.
- Well, get outside then and shut up.
Go on! (SOBBING) Widows.
Right.
Fresh flowers everyday and we dress the body in robes.
As you can see, this man is wearing his own clothes.
Quite nice suit, actually.
I think I'll have that before he's nailed in.
Elphick, look, look.
You're a wanker.
(LAUGHING) You're a wanker.
Look.
Give him a kiss.
Go on, give him a kiss.
You'll like it.
Go on, give him a kiss.
Get in there, get in there.
Go on, get in there good.
Wanker.
Get in there.
Go on.
Give him a kiss.
Well, it's the end of my first day.
Everyone is asleep.
Now I've seen things today I've never seen before.
Dead bodies, squashed cows, and a man who can't speak without wetting his pants.
I've been in many, many dangerous situations, and I've come close to death at least six times today.
I really hope I get through this.
(SOBS) I really want to see my wife and kids again.
One thing I didn't expect to find in a funeral parlour is drugs.
Percy gave me this.
He said it would help me stay awake.
Drugs in a funeral parlour.
People will be turning in their graves.
Well, that's all for tonight.
I'm off in the morning.
I've seen enough here.
And as for this, well, there's only one place for it.
(DOOR OPENING) Shit.
Someone's coming.
Oh, hello.
Listen, I've just had this note delivered from my girlfriend.
She wants me to meet her in the park for a midnight feast.
If anyone asks, tell them I've gone for a jog or something.
Will do.
Iechyd da, then.
- You took your time.
- Oh, Percy.
Would you like a drink? - Malibu.
- Lovely.
I was getting on really well with Arwell, but when you phoned me out of the blue and told me all those things about him, I couldn't believe it.
I can't imagine him in prison and doing funny things with dead bodies.
Yes, well, it's the quiet ones you got to be careful of, isn't it? Oh, I wish you hadn't given me that Malibu.
I told you it'd make me go randy.
Did you? I don't remember.
Would you like some more? (CANDLE STAND CLATTERING) - I want you.
- Really? (PERCY EXCLAIMS) - Get some oil.
- What? Get some oil.
I want you to rub it all over my body.
- Oil, why? - Just get some to rub over me.
(STAMMERING) Okay, give me a minute.
I tell you what.
This will keep you going.
Rub against that.
Oil.
Oil.
Oil.
Oh, bollocks.
Oil.
Oil.
No oil, man! Oil.
Oil.
Oil.
Ah! Vicks.
That'll do.
Won't be long.
(SOBBING) Oh, it stings! Oh, it stings! Oh, no! Oh, no! - No, it stings! - Touch me.
Touch me.
(DOOR OPENING) - Was that good? - No, you silly tart, it's him.
He's back.
- Quick.
Hide.
- Where? Get in there.
Quick.
Get in.
- What are you doing in here? - Nothing.
What are you doing? I got a message from my girlfriend telling me to meet her at the park.
- Oh.
And? - She didn't turn up.
Oh, no.
What a cow.
Never mind.
I knew I should never have trusted a girl with a tattoo of Sid James on her thigh.
Oh, I never noticed that.
- Well, you wouldn't, would you? - No.
No.
Of course not.
No.
No.
Listen, Arwell, I know you think I'm a depraved, insensitive pervert.
And you're right.
But I am your brother, and I know what it's like.
You know, I do have a soft side too, you know.
And if you want to talk, you know where to come.
Percy, you have got a heart.
Why are you covered in Vicks? Oh, I was cold when I was asleep, and I used it to just warm me up.
It's an old prison trick.
- Good night, then.
- Yes, good night.
Oh, and keep your pecker up.
- Finished yet? - What? Oh, yes, go on.
Oh, I miss you so much.
Excuse me.
Oh, Clive, how could you? I don't believe it.
Elphick has moved all his stuff out and disappeared.
- No note, nothing.
- What? Just like that? Aye.
Well, I won't be paying him.
Arwell, are you okay? You haven't touched that black pudding.
Are you off your food again? You're not still moping about the place like a lovesick camel, are you? 'Cause you look like you got the hump.
I don't want to talk about it.
I knew it.
What did I tell you about women? You should have listened to your father.
I did listen.
Well, did you check her sleeping face? Did you see her run? Did you treat her mean and keep her keen? Yes, yes and yes.
I did all those things.
Well, what happened? She never showed up.
Oh, well, you didn't miss much.
What? Nothing.
I done it.
I put Mr Raymond's body back together all by myself.
Oh, well done, Gwynne.
That's good news, Gwynne, because Mrs Raymond is in the office.
Now, show her into the chapel.
There's a good boy.
Aye.
Don't worry, Arwell, man.
It was fate.
It wasn't meant to be.
Our lives are mapped out in the stars.
There's someone else out there for you, you'll see.
Ta-da! (SCREAMING) What in the name of Harry Connick Jr was that? Mrs Raymond.
Quick.
I'll wait here.
(SCREAMING) Holy cow.
(IMITATING BUZZER) (WHISTLING) Oh, look, there's a programme on BBC Two in a minute about dodgy undertakers.
This week, Donal Mullofkintyre continues his series of dangerous undercover reports at a funeral parlour.
Contains bad language and some disturbing images.
Oh, good.
So, disguised as an undertaker myself, I took a step into a dangerous world, that I, for one, will never forget.
And with the help of hidden cameras, which I secretly set up in every room, I'm able to show you what really goes on inside funeral parlours.
The last thing I expected to find was sex in the chapel of rest.
SIAN: Yes.
Oh, yes.
PERCY: No, it stings! No, please, please.
Look at him.
(ALL CHATTERING) Give her some nuts.
No, please, it stings.
He looks like you.
He does a bit, doesn't he? SIAN: Oh, yes.
PERCY: Oh, stop, stop.
SIAN: Yes, come on.
No, please, it stings.
- No! No, no.
- Oh, yes, Percy.
Oh.
ALL: Percy! PERCY: Stop.
Stop.
SIAN: Come on.
Oh, no, it stings.
Right-o, I'll put the kettle on very slow then.
You don't give me any grief, then.
Hey, Alwyn.
Not like her in there.
She gets on my nerves.
I think sometimes I married the wrong mammal.
Just imagine if you and I were married.
Christ, you're beautiful.
Kiss me.
(MOOS) Come on, just a little quickie.
You know you want it.
Sod you, then! (AEROPLANE ROARING) (WHOOSHING) Ah.
Iechyd da, Perce.
Hold up.
Why are you out of breath? You haven't been doing dirties in the chapel of rest again, have you? No, I haven't.
As a matter of fact, I'm knackered.
Do you realise how many bodies we've got about the place? They are not bodies, they're clients, remember.
Okay, clients then, 20 of the dead buggers.
Yeah, well, it's been a good week thanks to the summertime lurgy, man.
I know that, but some of them are starting to turn.
Can't cope on our own.
We need some extra help.
And as for Arwell, he's no bloody use at the moment, is he? Why is that, then? Oh, he's in love or something.
He's moping around the place like Pepé Le Pew on heat.
Yes, I know.
He's being very secretive about this girlfriend of his.
I'll have a word.
Can't have secrets in the parlour.
Anyway, as regards to extra help, I've just put a card in the window asking for an undertaker's apprentice.
Just temporary like, to help you out until things die down.
Till things die down, lad.
Undertaker's apprentice, die down.
(CHUCKLES) Och! Are we rolling? (CLEARS THROAT) Hello, I'm undercover journalist, Donal Mullofkintyre.
This week, funeral parlours.
I'm going to find out what happens to our loved ones after they die.
Are they adequately cared for? Or are they prodded with dirty fingers? Now, funeral parlours are notoriously dangerous places.
And this is the only one advertising for an apprentice.
I will attempt to secure the position.
And with the help of state-of-the-art hidden cameras like this, and a wig and a beard, I will reveal the truth.
So, tell me, child, what is your current vocation? (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) You're a gate shutter? Tell me, is that some kind of euphemism for being gay? Make you look pretty.
(SCREAMING) Where are you? (SCREAMING) - Oh.
- Watch it.
- Now look what you made me do.
I ruined his face.
- Oh.
- Trannie, was he? - No.
Anyway, what's she doing in here? She can't stay here, there's not enough room.
Well, there's no room anywhere else, either.
Must be somewhere cold you can store her.
Well, I tried Bejam's, but all their freezers are full of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Alphabites.
Alphabites.
You know, if I was Prime Minister, I'd send Alphabites to the Third World.
That way, they could eat and learn English at the same time.
Look, never mind famine solutions.
Leave that to Lennie Bennett.
Who's this girl you've been seeing? Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.
No one is allowed to know.
- Oh, go on, you can tell me.
- No.
(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) I'll tell you something, though.
She's so beautiful.
Her eyes sparkle.
Her skin is so soft.
And her hair blows in the wind like a willow tree.
When we're together, it's as if time stands still.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Oh, come on, just tell me who she is.
I won't tell a soul.
Scout's honour.
- You're not even a Scout.
- Okay, pervert's honour, then.
Just tell me.
No.
Besides, if I told you, you'd tell Da, and he'd kill me if he found out who it was.
Um Have you had any previous experience with dead bodies? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Udders, have you seen Dewi? (MOOS) He's what? (MOOS) He's been killed? (MOOS) In the back field? Oh, heavens to Betsy! Well, quick, get the doctor.
(MOOS) I always wanted to be an undertaker.
I think that caring for people when they're dead is just as important as when they're alive, if not more so.
I come from a long line of undertakers.
My father, my father's father, my father's father's father, my father's father's father's father, my father's father's father's father's father, my father's father's father's father, my father's Yes, yes, I think I get the gist, yes.
So why aren't you working for your father's father's funeral parlour? - My father's.
- Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah.
We had a little bit of a falling out after he shot my mother.
Oh, oh, I see.
Well, Elphick, you seem honest, genuine, kind, and you got a bit of class.
You are just what I've been looking for.
Besides which, all the other contenders have been crap.
The job is yours.
Thank you, Mr Thomas.
Thank you.
- When do I start? - Oh, immediately.
Now then, let me tell you a couple of things.
We run a perfectly respectable funeral parlour.
We are the second most successful funeral parlour out of the two funeral parlours in the village.
And our services are of the highest standard.
(PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.
Iechyd da, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas.
Oh, and Elphick.
Bollocks! You're having me on! Yeah.
Goodbye, now.
Goodbye.
- Customer? - Yes, a nice one, too.
Her name is Mrs Raymond.
She's a farmer's wife.
Well, a farmer's widow now.
A lovely woman.
And even better, now she's grieving.
Women are always attractive when wet around the eyes.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) Right, then.
Well, I think it's about time I introduced you to the other members of the firm.
(BELL DINGS) - Malt loaf? - Not for me, thanks.
Ah, my impeccable boys.
This is our new apprentice.
I'd like you to meet Elphick.
He's going to help us out for a while.
- How do you do? - ALL: Iechyd da.
Okay, boys, the first job.
I'd like you to pick up a body from King Edward's Cow and Potato Farm.
I'm afraid old Raymond has just been certified squashed.
And so has Alwyn, his beloved cow.
Squashed? How? - Blue ice.
- What's that? A huge lump of frozen jumbo sewage jettisoned from an overhead 747.
It fell out of the sky and landed on the farmer's face.
(WHISTLING) (BLOWING RASPBERRY) - Well, come on then, let's go.
- ARWELL: I'm not coming.
Why? I've got a date.
Oh, I've got a French letter upstairs, you might want toyou know.
I hardly think my date is going to be interested in your foreign correspondence.
Oh, twat.
Ah, don't you go anywhere, Arwell.
I want a little fatherly chat with you.
I must be very quiet.
I'm about to collect a dead body.
I'm in a very dangerous situation.
If I'm discovered (IMITATING CHOKING) I'll be killed.
My palms are sweating.
I must admit, I'm a little bit nervous being in the company of these thugs.
I can't stress how dangerous a situation this is.
Mother.
Come on then, let's go.
Are you in, Gwynne? Good.
- Does he ever speak? - Who, Gwynne? Oh, yes, yes, but his problem's come back, you see.
Speaking makes him wet.
- Wet? - Yes, yes, every time he speaks, he wets himself.
The longer the sentence, the longer the pee.
When he uses one word answers, it just results in a tiny, tiny drip.
- Isn't that right, Gwynne? - Aye.
I can't concentrate, Da.
She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
How long have you been seeing her? A day.
Then how the bloody hell do you know she's the best thing that's ever happened to you, you silly boy lemon? I just do.
I can't help it.
You'd be the same if you saw her.
Let me give you some advice.
- What's she like when she sleeps? - I beg your pardon? Well, a woman can be the most beautiful creature in the world when she's awake, but when she's asleep, it's a different story.
Her mouth is open.
Her face is squashed.
Her tongue is flopping and dripping like a slug.
(MOANING) See, what you must remember is that a couple spend more time asleep than they do awake.
So make sure that she's pretty in both states of consciousness if you want the relationship to last.
I've never seen her asleep.
- Have you seen her run? - What? That's the second test.
I remember the first girl I liked at school.
Oh, she was gorgeous.
Maria Twinpot was her name.
Oh, and I'd a crush on her for years.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) However, one sports day, I saw her do the 100-yard sprint.
And by Christ, did I feel sick.
Oh, you should've seen her face.
It was all screwed up and horrible, like PhilCollins with constipation.
- I haven't seen her run, either.
- Make sure you do before it's too late.
It's 1:00.
I'd better be getting on my way.
(EXCLAIMING) Just one more thing.
The third test.
Women hate pansy nice boys.
Take literature for example, right? Heathcliff was an arsehole, but Cathy kept running back to him.
I gave your mother everything.
I took her to the leisure centre.
I bought her cockles.
I gave her all my time every Tuesday for an hour.
And how did she repay me? She ran off with a bloody midget in show business.
He wasn't half the man I was.
Oh, no.
But she loved him, even though he kept her in a kennel.
Now, what I'm trying to say is treat them mean, keep them keen.
"Treat them mean, keep them keen.
" That's right.
Now, you listen to your father.
I may be a silly old piss artist, but I can hunt like a lion, boy.
(IVOR CHUCKLES) Have you seen her run? What's she like when she sleeps? - I've had a wonderful day.
- Me too.
- I'm scared, though.
- Why? If Da knew I was seeing you, he'd kill me.
My two dads would kill you, too.
In fact, they want your whole family to die.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
If they found out about us, they'd cut your balls off, cut your kidneys and feed you to the pigs.
I see.
Let's just keep it our little secret.
Can I see you tomorrow? We could go to the cinema or bowling or something.
Bowling? Great idea.
I'd love to.
IVOR: Treat them mean, keep them keen.
You skunk arse.
What did you say? You heard, dunderhead, or are your stupid big dumb ears deaf? - Well, shall we go or not? - Might, might not.
I'll have to check my diary, you mental.
Right, I'm going.
I don't have to take this from you.
Good, I don't like you, anyway, scruff-pot.
(EXCLAIMS) - What did you do that for, cacky knickers? - What's got into you? Shut your swollen tits, you fat-ankled, sausage-picking beef riddance.
- That's it.
I'm off.
- Oh, yes, off you go.
Off you go.
See if I care, you shabby, dank fart.
- Oh, I give up.
I can't do it.
- Do what? My da gave me some advice.
He said if I treated you mean, I'd keep you keen.
So that is what I was doing.
I was being mean on purpose.
If you want to keep me keen, treating me mean is the last thing you should do.
Anyway, you couldn't be mean if you tried.
I just did.
That wasn't mean.
You were just being a prick.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I was being silly.
Come on, I'll walk you almost home.
(GROANING) - There you go.
Wasn't so bad, was it? - No.
I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Still it was a very dangerous situation, though.
Oh, look, there's Arwell.
PERCY: I don't believe it.
ELPHICK: What? He's going out with Sian Bennett.
How in the name of Curtis Stigers did he manage that? Who is she? Who is she? She happens to be the daughter of our arch enemies, the Bennetts.
If Da knew he was seeing her, he'd go Oh, so that's why he's keeping it all hush-hush.
So, Arwell's been a dirty prick.
Well, I'll teach him.
Oh, yes, I'll teach him.
Okay, Elphick, time I showed you the ropes.
Now, this is the chapel.
This is where people pay their last respects.
Get a bit saucy in here sometimes, especially when I'm involved.
You know what I mean? Lady, lady.
I'm just showing somebody around.
Would you mind waiting outside? Should we just barge in like this? Yeah, bollocks to them.
It's my house, I'll do what I like.
- Yeah, but - No, look, do you want me to throw you out? - No.
- Well, get outside then and shut up.
Go on! (SOBBING) Widows.
Right.
Fresh flowers everyday and we dress the body in robes.
As you can see, this man is wearing his own clothes.
Quite nice suit, actually.
I think I'll have that before he's nailed in.
Elphick, look, look.
You're a wanker.
(LAUGHING) You're a wanker.
Look.
Give him a kiss.
Go on, give him a kiss.
You'll like it.
Go on, give him a kiss.
Get in there, get in there.
Go on, get in there good.
Wanker.
Get in there.
Go on.
Give him a kiss.
Well, it's the end of my first day.
Everyone is asleep.
Now I've seen things today I've never seen before.
Dead bodies, squashed cows, and a man who can't speak without wetting his pants.
I've been in many, many dangerous situations, and I've come close to death at least six times today.
I really hope I get through this.
(SOBS) I really want to see my wife and kids again.
One thing I didn't expect to find in a funeral parlour is drugs.
Percy gave me this.
He said it would help me stay awake.
Drugs in a funeral parlour.
People will be turning in their graves.
Well, that's all for tonight.
I'm off in the morning.
I've seen enough here.
And as for this, well, there's only one place for it.
(DOOR OPENING) Shit.
Someone's coming.
Oh, hello.
Listen, I've just had this note delivered from my girlfriend.
She wants me to meet her in the park for a midnight feast.
If anyone asks, tell them I've gone for a jog or something.
Will do.
Iechyd da, then.
- You took your time.
- Oh, Percy.
Would you like a drink? - Malibu.
- Lovely.
I was getting on really well with Arwell, but when you phoned me out of the blue and told me all those things about him, I couldn't believe it.
I can't imagine him in prison and doing funny things with dead bodies.
Yes, well, it's the quiet ones you got to be careful of, isn't it? Oh, I wish you hadn't given me that Malibu.
I told you it'd make me go randy.
Did you? I don't remember.
Would you like some more? (CANDLE STAND CLATTERING) - I want you.
- Really? (PERCY EXCLAIMS) - Get some oil.
- What? Get some oil.
I want you to rub it all over my body.
- Oil, why? - Just get some to rub over me.
(STAMMERING) Okay, give me a minute.
I tell you what.
This will keep you going.
Rub against that.
Oil.
Oil.
Oil.
Oh, bollocks.
Oil.
Oil.
No oil, man! Oil.
Oil.
Oil.
Ah! Vicks.
That'll do.
Won't be long.
(SOBBING) Oh, it stings! Oh, it stings! Oh, no! Oh, no! - No, it stings! - Touch me.
Touch me.
(DOOR OPENING) - Was that good? - No, you silly tart, it's him.
He's back.
- Quick.
Hide.
- Where? Get in there.
Quick.
Get in.
- What are you doing in here? - Nothing.
What are you doing? I got a message from my girlfriend telling me to meet her at the park.
- Oh.
And? - She didn't turn up.
Oh, no.
What a cow.
Never mind.
I knew I should never have trusted a girl with a tattoo of Sid James on her thigh.
Oh, I never noticed that.
- Well, you wouldn't, would you? - No.
No.
Of course not.
No.
No.
Listen, Arwell, I know you think I'm a depraved, insensitive pervert.
And you're right.
But I am your brother, and I know what it's like.
You know, I do have a soft side too, you know.
And if you want to talk, you know where to come.
Percy, you have got a heart.
Why are you covered in Vicks? Oh, I was cold when I was asleep, and I used it to just warm me up.
It's an old prison trick.
- Good night, then.
- Yes, good night.
Oh, and keep your pecker up.
- Finished yet? - What? Oh, yes, go on.
Oh, I miss you so much.
Excuse me.
Oh, Clive, how could you? I don't believe it.
Elphick has moved all his stuff out and disappeared.
- No note, nothing.
- What? Just like that? Aye.
Well, I won't be paying him.
Arwell, are you okay? You haven't touched that black pudding.
Are you off your food again? You're not still moping about the place like a lovesick camel, are you? 'Cause you look like you got the hump.
I don't want to talk about it.
I knew it.
What did I tell you about women? You should have listened to your father.
I did listen.
Well, did you check her sleeping face? Did you see her run? Did you treat her mean and keep her keen? Yes, yes and yes.
I did all those things.
Well, what happened? She never showed up.
Oh, well, you didn't miss much.
What? Nothing.
I done it.
I put Mr Raymond's body back together all by myself.
Oh, well done, Gwynne.
That's good news, Gwynne, because Mrs Raymond is in the office.
Now, show her into the chapel.
There's a good boy.
Aye.
Don't worry, Arwell, man.
It was fate.
It wasn't meant to be.
Our lives are mapped out in the stars.
There's someone else out there for you, you'll see.
Ta-da! (SCREAMING) What in the name of Harry Connick Jr was that? Mrs Raymond.
Quick.
I'll wait here.
(SCREAMING) Holy cow.
(IMITATING BUZZER) (WHISTLING) Oh, look, there's a programme on BBC Two in a minute about dodgy undertakers.
This week, Donal Mullofkintyre continues his series of dangerous undercover reports at a funeral parlour.
Contains bad language and some disturbing images.
Oh, good.
So, disguised as an undertaker myself, I took a step into a dangerous world, that I, for one, will never forget.
And with the help of hidden cameras, which I secretly set up in every room, I'm able to show you what really goes on inside funeral parlours.
The last thing I expected to find was sex in the chapel of rest.
SIAN: Yes.
Oh, yes.
PERCY: No, it stings! No, please, please.
Look at him.
(ALL CHATTERING) Give her some nuts.
No, please, it stings.
He looks like you.
He does a bit, doesn't he? SIAN: Oh, yes.
PERCY: Oh, stop, stop.
SIAN: Yes, come on.
No, please, it stings.
- No! No, no.
- Oh, yes, Percy.
Oh.
ALL: Percy! PERCY: Stop.
Stop.
SIAN: Come on.
Oh, no, it stings.