Funland (2005) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Beholdthe future.
Kid owes a bundle.
Three grand.
We've come to an arrangement.
I'm going to manage a band.
We're getting married.
KEN: I've f-f-found something.
This is my ticket out of here.
CARTER: Tell me what you know about Malcolm Carpet.
Do you know Malcolm Carpet? Where is he? Where can I find him? Put this on, love.
It's the latest sound.
shoot all over your perfect little half-apple tits, you gorgeous fucking bitch.
(Vienna and Shirley moaning) How are we feeling? Nice cup of tea? Whole bag to yourself.
(Grunting) Hell.
I need to phone the wife.
CONNIE: I'm not taking him back.
He can clear out and hunker down with his child whore in her shitty sty.
It's all he's fucking fit for.
RADIO DJ: attracted top bands to play, now increasingly it's generating its own music scene.
But do we have the home-grown talent required to really push Blackpool bands to the top? Here's singer Tim Timothy from Fylde-based band The Corinthians.
I'm going to nip over to Finch's, make sure your dad's okay.
You can't, not now.
We've got to discuss the wedding.
TIM: Who out 'there has the vision? Do you know what I'm saying? Who out there has the desire? We've had to sack two managers.
We need someone who sees the big picture, you know.
The way of things (Mobile phone ringing) desire, the passion.
There's things you don't know about me, Ruby.
I'm a very religious person.
I want the ceremony to be conducted by a vicar.
Oh, that's great.
That's brilliant.
- I've always dreamed of a white wedding.
- But it's got to be a specific vicar.
The last vicar of Ambrose Chapel.
I need you to find him.
It's where we met.
God, you're so romantic.
- Can't you stay a bit? - No.
I've got to go and see your dad.
Ask him for your hand.
I'm not wearing any pants.
Well, let's see how you like living with Leo, 'cause he won't wake you up with deep throat and a cup of tea.
You're going to be lonely, Shirley Woolf, very lonely.
And I'll be on the beach getting me arse pumped by young Spanish bucks.
(Dialling tone) No luck? She can be a very cruel woman.
She were cruel to me once.
Oh, this came for you.
Hand-delivered.
- Come back to bed.
- No, I've got to be at the club by 11:00.
- Dudley! - Please.
- Come on.
I'll show you a good time.
- Like yesterday? Yesterday was a one-off.
I was excited.
We just have to slow down.
I'll count back from 1,000.
I've got to do my teeth.
Right.
Not in there.
I went earlier.
There's a problem with the flush.
I'll go upstairs.
What's the matter, never seen a man's cock before? Drink? - Hey, where you going? - I'll come back later.
Don't be silly.
Go ahead, have a wash.
I won't look, I promise.
(Splashing in toilet) (Doorbell ringing) What are you doing? You need to leave right now.
How about a kiss? - I'm a married woman.
- Don't pretend you won't enjoy it.
I've seen you down the club.
I've seen your husband.
I'll give you a tenner.
Make it 500.
And what would I get for a grand? - Just go.
- Hey, don't be so hasty.
Do the maths.
You'd be getting a hundred an inch.
Think about it.
It could be your ticket out of here.
- Single or double occupancy? - Single.
(Mobile phone ringing) Full breakfast platter? Corned beef, spam, fried egg, kedgeree? Is your name Carpet? How's Little Sancho doing these days? Well, well, well.
If it isn't that two-faced shit that's been banging my daughter.
(Telephone ringing) Shangri-la, hotel, spa and restaurant.
- We're engaged, actually.
- It's for you.
My brother.
Shirley, Van Kneck here.
Heard about you and your good lady.
You must be beside yourself.
I have a proposal.
Something that might help appease.
Imperial Hydro, half an hour.
(Ave Maria playing on stereo) Here, you're driving.
What did he mean, it could be our way out of here? - The debt.
Paying off the debt, that's all.
- How? - You really want to know? - Yes.
- You won't get angry or upset? - No.
He wanted to fuck me.
What did you say? I said I'd give him a kiss, that's as far as I'd go.
- How much would he pay? - For what? - A kiss.
- Tenner.
What about He said he'd clear the debt if I did it with him.
That's it.
What? It's not a good idea.
Is it? I wouldn't even think about it.
(Footsteps approaching on gravel) Don't get up.
Just thought I'd pop round, see how you are.
- Can't you do better than Leo Finch's? - Home ground.
- Old mate, is he? - Strictly business.
Sold me the club for a song.
Biggest mistake of his life.
Now, listen.
When we're in there, right, - try not to look at his nipples.
- What? And keep it buttoned.
I mean, it'd be over in five minutes.
I'd be here.
Right here.
I could step in at a moment's notice.
You'd watch? Only if you wanted me to.
But you're my husband.
Maybe maybe we're too uptight.
Maybe we need to experiment.
The debt will be paid.
We could go home, put it all behind us.
What about you? I'd be fine.
What's the big idea? It's your mother, Shirley.
She's gone mad.
She's got this insane scheme to defile the Tower.
Who gives a fuck? It's just a chunk of metal.
It's more than metal.
It's history.
Blackpool history.
It's important.
Along time ago, there was a family, the Crosses, seven brothers.
The youngest, the runt of the litter, was treated like dirt.
One day he snapped.
Drowned his eldest brother in the so-called black pool, went on to become the most powerful man in the area.
He owned an enormous swathe of land that cut right across the town.
Wax's Way.
It was he who donated the land to build the Tower, a fact commemorated by the annual Cross Ball.
It's rumoured that the Tower itself was a monument to Cross's infamous endowment.
The proportions were taken from his own erect member.
Nature had smiled on him.
He wanted the fact preserved municipally Oh, for fuck's sake, I know all this.
Get on with it.
That's right.
Have a good look.
Feast your eyes.
Here, is this what you want to see? Don't mind me.
I'm just the local freak show.
Listen, you fat fuck.
Connie's about to skip the country.
You tell me what your plan is now.
I envy you.
What's it like? Having a family, husband, two lovely kids? Say your piece and fuck off.
You'll find your buyer's fallen through.
Club deal, too.
They've been persuaded to look elsewhere.
Present from Mercy.
Your flight leaves at five, easyjet.
One way.
Don't miss it.
I've made an approach to outside parties.
Twoentrepreneurs from Finland.
Specialists.
They've got the necessary muscle to take her on.
Now, I'm not talking about anything drastic, but she needs sitting on.
Neutralising.
You'd be the first to agree.
- Finland? - I'm looking for partnership, Shirley.
We could take back this town.
You're living in a dream world.
- Don't be so hasty.
- Forget it.
You're on your own.
They'll be here tonight.
So what's your experience, man? What have you done? Who've you worked with? Who are you into? Tons of experience, mate.
Tons of experience.
- You know The Charlatans? - You used to manage The Charlatans? No.
No, no, no, I just like them.
I'm looking for a band who want to take it to the top.
I'm not talking clubs and festivals and shit like that.
I'm thinking filling the G-Mex three times over.
Bigger than the Mondays.
Bigger than the fucking Roses, man.
You see, that kind of talk tastes like sweet music.
We've got a vision.
We've got a mission.
Yeah? Yeah? This is what we need from a manager.
This is what we want.
Mind wide open.
- Do you want to hear something? - Yeah.
- Connie called? - No.
(Mobile phone ringing) I'll put you on the weekly rate.
- He's in a bad way.
- Reap as ye shall sow.
- Sign here.
- If you'll sign here.
I've always loved ventriloquists.
Ray Alan.
Roger de Courcey.
You did telly, didn't you? Crackerjack.
Once.
Don Maclean was ill.
- What happened? - Some kind of a virus.
- It cleared up after a week.
- No, I mean to you? To the act? (Rhythmic thudding above) Guests.
(Shirley and Lola moaning) (Shirley grunting) Take a look.
Treat yourself.
(Lola moaning) Oh, my Oh, Jesus.
LOLA: Oh, man.
(Both laughing) Like to watch, do you? I was engaged to his wife once.
Did he tell you that? You ever heard of Franny Krantz? I was blind So, so blind You 'turned me on You 'turned me round I was lost So, so lost With you, I'm found On holy ground Hallelujah Kiss the sky Hallelujah Lord on high Oh, holy God You sent your only son Gonna testify He's the only one Gonna spread good news Gonna worship well Christ redeemer Emmanuel Hallelujah Kiss the sky Hallelujah Lord on high Hallelujah So we're all done and dusted, then? - Debt paid, free to go.
- There's still a little outstanding.
Get her to work.
Cheer up, pal, you'll be wanking over that for a week.
You want to join us on our journey? We are going to take to the road, man.
We're going to carry no possessions, yeah? Do you believe? Say it, man.
Speak it out if you've felt it, if you've seen it.
- I believe.
- No, shout it louder, man.
- Shout that praise.
- I believe.
Say it, man.
Speak it from the heart.
I believe! I believe.
MERCY: It's Bobby Crush.
You all right? He didn't hurt you? Probably a bit too hard.
Hm? You're a natural, babes.
Give it a month, you'll be just like me.
- CONNIE: Your girlfriend came to see me.
- What? Vienna Keen.
Gave me this.
A one-way ticket to some Spanish shit-hole.
Mercy wants me out of here, without a penny to me name.
You're not exactly value for money, are you? I've been sitting by that phone all day.
I haven't heard a peep.
- Battery's flat.
- Tell me everything.
How's my boy? He's in a state.
Moved out.
Split up from his wife.
Oh, what a shame.
He's been consoling himself.
- Any word of me? - Nothing you'd want to hear.
- How's my darling granddaughter? - Look, I really need to be somewhere.
What's the rush? Stay.
Play me a tune.
Something pretty.
(Playing melancholy tune) Where'd you learn that? My mother.
How touching.
Where are you going? Stay a while.
I'll lay on some entertainment.
One on one.
You can have her little minge inches from your nose.
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
- I'm not the tit-dance type.
- Then fuck her.
- I'm sure she won't object.
- She's spoken for.
Nobody's spoken for.
That's just a little story people tell themselves.
You want her, you can have her.
Get down there.
Get your nose in the dish.
I insist.
I'll be watching.
You can't go.
I need you.
I want you.
I want this baby.
I want another chance.
I'll take you back on one condition.
You deal with Mercy.
Gloves off.
You finish it tonight.
(Sexy Boy by Air playing) BRYAN: Hey, you, private dance, cubicle two.
(Just A Little by Liberty X playing) Everything about you's so sexy You don't even know what you got You're really hitting my spot Oh, yeah yeah And you're so innocent Please don't take this wrong 'cause it's a compliment I just want to get with your flow You gotta learn to let go I'm all yours.
Work it a little Hot just a little Do yourself a favour and get out of here while you still can.
(Sexy Boy by Air playing) Right, what were you doing in there? What's going on? Come on, let's talk, let's go outside.
BRYAN: Now I introduce to you, Miss Lola Love! (I Put A Spell On You by Marilyn Manson playing) Because you're mine I can't stand the things that you do No, no, no, I ain't lying No, I don't care if you don't want me I love you, I love you Mrs Hinchcliffe, Dudley here.
It's about Lola.
She's in trouble.
She needs your help.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Doorbell ringing) Fuck!