Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Who is Cheryl Johnson? I don't know.
Why? Facebook says it's her birthday.
Should I write "Happy Birthday" on her wall? Not if you don't know who she is.
I'm gonna do it anyway.
- Write it from me, then, too.
- Okay.
One exclamation point? I'd go three.
I don't know why, but it just feels right.
Facebook told me it's your birthday.
I wouldn't have known any other way, cause we coexist in a mutually unstated unattached cohesion that Facebook created.
So I got 10 seconds, and they're just for you, to write on your wall like good people do.
To keep our weak social tie with minimal maintenance.
Happy Birthday to my loose acquaintance.
Look through my photo album, you're not in it.
If I saw you on the street, it would take me a minute.
But I'm such a thoughtful person, and I totally care.
That's why there are three exclamation points there.
Colon parenthesis to be more compelling.
All caps so it's just like I'm yelling! From the top of my heart, just to keep status quo.
Happy Birthday, dear person, who I sorta know.
We both know you're not my real friend.
You're a by-product of a social networking trend.
But you feel just as indifferently about me, so there's no guilt in our apathetic reciprocity.
So if we don't talk much or at all this year, remember I sent you this afterthought cheer, to keep our minor affinity with minimal maintenance.
Happy Birthday to my loose acquaintance.
Oh, Jenny.
Look who it is! You're those YouTube girls.
- Yeah! - No way.
We are such big fans.
- I know.
- Oh, thank you.
And my husband just adores you.
- Oh, thanks.
- You're his freebie.
I told him he could have sex with you and I'd be cool with it.
Not you.
Your shoes are so adorable.
Oh, thank you.
You're really special.
You know that? Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you're not.
- Bye, girls.
- Bye.
Bye.
Oh, sorry.
[ Chuckles .]
They were so nice.
To you.
Women are always nicer to you.
Well, men are always nicer to you.
- No, they're not.
- Yeah, they are.
I can't even get lip-kissed.
I've been on three dates with Fred, and nothing.
- Really? - Yeah.
I feel like getting kissed is my reward for sitting through dinner.
- You get dinner? - Yeah.
But for every guy that's nice to me, there are three women in the corner hoping I get lupus.
Well, maybe you should just try being sweeter to them.
I love that you think it was my fault.
I was just standing there.
Well, maybe I'm a friendlier person.
What does that make me? Where is something else we can talk about? You, yeah, you, you're really cool.
You can be anything you wanna be.
Time to fly, I'm talking to you.
No hablo español.
Let's see you move forward, stand your ground.
Hang in there while you're doing it, and sail away into the sunset, baby.
Dream your dreams into the sky.
Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it.
Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah.
Don't stop being cool.
Kate: My favorite was when it was Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and Step by Step.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay.
Well, my favorite TGIF was, uh, Perfect Strangers, Just the Ten of Us, Mr.
Belvedere, and Full House.
- Oh, I loved Full House! - Yeah.
If I was a deejay, I'd call myself Deejay Tanner.
[ Laughs .]
That's funny, because my deejay name is Deejay Candace Cameron.
[ Both chuckle .]
[ Grunts .]
I just want to put you in my pocket, you know? [ Chuckles .]
- Well, good night.
- Good night.
Hey, um, thank Thank you for for the hug.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
Man: What's happening, Vanzetti? Our victim was sodomized repeatedly - before being decapitated and dismembered - Hey.
and thrown down the river in a garbage bag.
- Hey.
How was it? - No lip-kissing! - What? - Yeah.
And this time, I did all the signals.
I turned toward him.
I maintained eye contact.
I gave the seductive smile.
Wait.
Do the smile.
Huh.
I can't believe I stayed up way past my bedtime for that.
Well, I'm sorry about your date.
- But I have some good news.
- What? I got the part in the horror movie I auditioned for.
- The First Door on the Right? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
That's great! - Thank you.
But I have to be brunette for the part.
Oh.
Well, at least you don't have to be naked.
No, I have to be naked, too, but a naked brunette.
I just don't know how I'm gonna make brown hair sexy.
Brown hair is sexy.
I mean, what about Elizabeth Taylor? Joyce DeWitt? Brown hair works for you, but you've got you're whole, like, adorable thing going on.
I'm not adorable.
Am I adorable? You're like a penguin in an indie band.
Wait.
Is that why I'm not getting kissed? Do you think I would get kissed if I were a blond? - Yeah.
I kind of do.
- Huh.
Do you think girls would be nicer to me if I was a brunette? I don't know.
Never really thought about it.
Usually just stay in my own lane, do my own thing.
Okay.
I have to get a wig for the movie.
Do you want to come to the wig shop with me? - To help you pick out a wig? - No.
So you can get a wig.
Oh, yeah.
What color? Blond.
Magda: Yeah, well, you parked your piece-of-crap hatchback in my space again, Connie.
You do that again, I'm gonna get creative with my keys.
Hi.
I'm from The First Door on the Right.
I need my wig.
- Oh, the brown one? - Mm-hmm.
- You can't pull that off.
- Thank you.
I need one, too.
I want her hair.
You definitely can't pull that off.
- Kate, what are you doing? - Nothing.
- Why did you leave without me? - Oh, sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
This is so weird.
We should go try out these wigs at Karen's Chicken Club.
Oh, can't we cancel Chicken Club? I feel like I never connected with Karen.
She's paying us $500 to play one song.
I just connected with Karen.
Garfunkel and Oates! Oh, I'm so glad you could come.
- Yay! - Thank you for having us.
What's What's going on with the cool new looks? Oh, mine's for a movie.
Mine's so I can get kissed.
Oh, fantastic.
Well, I think it's It's a really big swing.
Good for you, you know? Taking a risk.
There she is! Hi! Mwah! - How are you? - I'm good.
I'm good.
I got here.
Hey! How are you? - Hi.
I'm Riki.
- Hi, I'm Kate.
[ Gasps .]
Oh, do you not know who I am? You wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook yesterday.
With the three exclamation points? I'm Cheryl, Cheryl Johnson.
- Hi.
- We've met five times.
Okay.
Yeah.
Happy Birthday.
You say hello, and I say hello back.
You say it's nice to see me again, crap.
This conversation just keeps going.
Want to get through this without you knowing.
You can see it in my eyes, my calculating stupid lies.
You look at me so appalled, 'cause I don't recognize you at all.
Now, am I an asshole, or are you just boring? 'Cause one of these two things must be true.
Am I self-absorbed, preoccupied, and shockingly bitchy? Or is there just nothing memorable about you? Well, even if I'm arrogant and totally lame, I'm still betting on the latter, 'cause I don't know your name.
I don't know who you are, I don't have a freaking clue.
So get a catchphrase, get an accent, mess your face up with a tattoo.
Okay, so fine, so now you know that I don't know.
So there you go, you don't even look a little familiar to me.
And I blame you.
I blame you.
Now, am I a jerk, or are you just "blugh"? Hey, I think that question is pretty fair.
Now, you're looking at me like I just drop-kicked a baby.
But I won't remember you anyway, so I don't care.
You're overwhelming averageness is such a drag, so fix the situation or wear a name tag.
I don't know who you are, not even a little bit.
So carry nunchucks, adopt a black kid to make people give a shit.
Okay, so fine, so now you know that I don't know.
So there you go, you don't even look a little familiar to me.
And I blame you.
I blame you.
I blame you.
And I blame you.
[ Applause .]
Did you guys write that song about me? - No.
- No.
Not specifically.
Like, the collective you, but not you.
- Yeah, no, you - No.
Mm! Carrots.
So this is how they do chicken in Norway? Yeah, it is.
It's called fjundemurm.
Oh! Well, this is good fjundemurm.
- Oh, good! - Oh! [ Chuckles, sighs .]
So, Riki, the last time I saw you, you were all "blah.
" But you're looking a little better.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Are you still single? - Yeah.
Yeah.
That figures.
But you're gonna meet someone great.
You know, just a little tip.
The minute I stopped looking is when I met Paul.
But you were on eHarmony, right? So you were, like, specifically looking.
You know what I mean.
Kate.
So, uh, which dish is yours? I call it the "which came first?" quiche because it's got both the chicken and the egg.
Or you could call it "the mother-daughter reunion" because it's like the chicken being reunited with her egg and they're like, you know, back together.
That's a really tasteless joke, Kate.
You know that Donna just had a miscarriage.
- Don't you read the e-mails? - I didn't know.
- Riki, can I talk to you about something? - Yeah.
You know the chicken I made? The fjundemurm? That's not really a recipe from Norway.
It's just a can of mushroom soup poured over some leftover KFC.
And fjundemurm is, like, pretty obviously a nonsense word.
God, it's like I want to get caught.
- Yeah, it is.
Why? - I don't know! I've been telling so many pointless lies lately.
I mean, the other day, at the supermarket, I told the checkout girl that I was planning a lawn party where everyone was gonna be playing badminton.
Why did I say that? I don't even have a badminton net! Oh, God.
It feels really good to tell you this.
I don't know why.
I just feel like I can, like, open up to you.
- Really? - Hey, guys.
What's up? - Nothing.
No, don't worry about it, Kate.
- Oh.
Hey, Kar.
I know you're coming to my birthday party later.
Of course! Right after badminton! You should come.
There's gonna be lots of cute single guys there.
Okay.
Yeah, totally.
That sounds great.
Oh, yeah, you can come, too, Kate If you can remember my name.
C Cheryl? Yeah.
Fine.
- Cool shoes, Riki.
- Oh, thank you.
Okay, what is going on? - I don't know.
- Karen just, like, spilled her guts to me, and she's never said anything to be before except, like, "hi.
" It's got to be the hair.
You know, I just tried a really funny pun joke over there, and nobody laughed.
Kate, there's no such thing as a really funny pun joke.
Mm.
You know what? We should go try out this hair on some guys.
Cheers.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Here's to being a classic blond and brunette duo tonight.
Like we always are but in reverse.
- That is a good point.
- Ladies, are these spots taken? - No.
Hi.
- Hi.
- We're in the pet chow business.
- Don't lead with that, Charlie.
- I'm sorry.
- We discussed it.
- It's not sexy.
- I think it is.
We take hungry animals, and we make them less hungry.
- Oh! - Before that, we find synthetic ways of mimicking salmon and pork Okay, we don't use the word "synthetic" when we're talking to beautiful ladies.
Oh.
Uh, what do you do? Anything I want, usually.
[ Chuckles .]
No.
I meant, like, as a job.
Like, what do you do as like I'm sorry.
Was I not clear? - Oh.
- I just thought we were No, you were clear.
'Cause we were talking about our jobs.
- Yeah.
- We figured I'm a comedian/actress.
- Um - Yeah.
- That's okay.
- Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah.
Um But what I really want to do is I want to open a grilled cheese restaurant where all the waiters are puppets and I call it the Felt and Melt.
[ Chuckles .]
Wow.
That's really creative.
- Really? - Yeah, I love that.
- Thank you.
- That is a That is a good idea.
- That's a good idea.
- I'd go there.
Yeah.
Hats off.
- Good idea.
- Yeah, let's go to Felt and Melt.
I like paddle boats.
- I love paddle boats.
- Are you kidding? - He loves paddle boats.
- Are you kidding? - We paddle.
- Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice that you were not paying attention to me, and that is not acceptable.
I actually was staring at you the entire time.
I had to look away.
I felt bad.
What do you do? Mm, anything I want, usually.
[ Both laugh .]
Oh-ho.
Watch out, Jordan.
Also, I will be drinking anything I want tonight, and you are paying for it.
And you are welcome for my company.
Oh, hey, hey.
Round of lemon drops coming right up.
- All right.
These are ours.
- Hold these.
- Don't give them away.
- Okay.
I did not want a lemon drop, but, okay, kind of fun.
- You just did a great job at being me.
- Really? - Yes! - I was just, like, trying to be really small - and make my mouth It was Yeah? - No.
- It was really good.
- Really? Yours was good, too.
- Really? Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I felt like you were in a wind machine.
- I was just like, "oh, thank you.
" Yeah.
It was hot.
One thing.
I don't really like paddle boats.
No, you know the boats that you paddle with your feet? - Oh, yep.
No, I do like those.
Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh! - Whoo! - Whoa.
- Whoo! I'm not saying that old people should eat our dog food.
I'm just saying that they do.
And if grandma has any complaints, I haven't seen them.
She likes them on crackers, and I'm okay with that.
60% of our most popular brand is made out of cardboard pulp anyway.
- Okay, don't tell them that.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that science bores you, you know? It's not science.
I like cardboard.
I used to eat cardboard, probably.
Oh! See, there you go.
Come on.
She eats cardboard.
- This is great.
- You know what? People eat spiders without knowing about it.
And crayons.
I have noticed that you haven't told me how pretty I am.
And most people would by now, so I'm sorry.
You are really pretty.
I know.
Mm-hmm.
- I know you know.
- Mm-hmm.
I was the third-strongest person in my class for two years in a row, and I never stop talking about it.
Get out of town.
I was the second.
- Really? - Yes, I was.
That was fun.
Well, I am a feminist revolutionary.
Like a time traveler? [ Cellphone chimes .]
Oh! My car's here.
Oh.
Um, do you want to walk me out? Yeah.
No, yes.
Yes, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
No.
Uh, Jordan, I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- Break a leg.
- I'll try.
- See you, guys.
So, you guys are in a band? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's funny.
I only know like four chords and I make my living playing guitar.
Yeah, you know, I, uh, I used to be in an indie band in college.
And then, like, one day, I was just looking around, and I was just like, "oh, five guys want to do this?" I mean, "this is gonna work out.
" This ska/funk/Weezer thing we were trying to do.
- Oh, no.
Ska? - Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I just You know, I love checkerboards.
You know? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
[ Laughs .]
Uh, I had a lot of fun tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I got dogs.
And I got to go feed them, so, I'll see you around.
Okay.
Yeah.
You're real adorable, though.
Thanks.
[ Light switch clicks .]
Whoa! Cool place.
This is really nice.
Thank you.
It's my grandmother's.
You have a pizza oven.
Actually, that's just a regular fireplace, but we could do pizzas in there.
- That's fun.
- Do you have any Fun Dip? - The children's candy? - Yeah.
Probably not.
But we could go for a fun dip in my hot tub if you want.
Uh, it's actually past my bedtime.
Well, then we should probably get you into bed, right? [ Moaning .]
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
Kate? [ Snoring .]
Kate? Mm.
Kate! [ Sighs .]
Devastating.
Guys, we got like 20 scenes to shoot today.
We're burning daylight.
Hot points.
Give me a half-apple tweenie right over there, the barn door.
Okay.
Thank you.
Just saying random movie set words.
Fantastiche! Let's shoot this! Come on! You feeling good? Yeah.
Okay.
Bring in the fire troll, sir.
Thank you, Rio.
Ready? And action! [ Screaming .]
Okay, you're running around.
You're scared.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great, great, great.
Oh, God.
Trip.
Yeah, that's good.
- Run around in the hay.
- Aah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
That's real good.
That's so good.
Throw the hay at him.
Throw the hay.
You're gonna die.
Dialogue.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Gregory? Is that you? All right, choke her.
[ Imitates choking .]
Spit out your tongue like Jabba the Hutt.
Stick it, like, far left.
Now go far right with the tongue.
Go back and forth like six times.
One.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Shake your hips while you're doing it.
Uh, and cut! Okay.
Cut.
Not, not, not, not feeling it.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That was so good.
Thank you.
We're having a bit of a continuity problem Oh.
- with With your nipples.
- Oh.
In rehearsal, you did this really great thing where they looked really, like, scared, you know? - Yeah.
- And now they look Like Like puffy? Yeah, puffy.
Yeah, yeah.
Please.
Come on.
Some decency here.
Um, they look -- It's almost like your nipples got home and they took a bong hit and called their buddy Trevor over and they're playing Xbox and they ordered some pad thai.
They're like that.
That's not good.
- Oh.
- Guys In fact, Dan, come over here.
Wardrobe, hair.
Cecil, please come here.
Let's just talk for a second here.
How do we How do we fix this? Clothespins.
Like, maybe ice.
Like, a wire.
Maybe, like, we rub a wire on them.
Do we have I know this sounds weird Like a small mouse trap? I got a cold can of Squirt.
Bring it over here.
- Oh, hi.
- Jordan: Hi.
- 10 hours good enough? - Yeah.
I had the best dream about a fish, and he couldn't find his friend, the tugboat captain.
Then they were reunited under a rainbow.
Isn't that sweet? That's great.
That is the best dream.
Do you remember what happened last night? Did I tap dance in my sleep again? No.
- That happens? - Sometimes.
You fell asleep while we were having sex.
Well, I warned you it was past my bedtime.
No, that is not okay.
When one human being is doing his best with what he has, the other human being should not fall asleep.
It's very emasculating! Well, I was tired.
I mean, what did you want me to do, force myself to stay awake when I didn't feel like it? Yes! That's what we do! That's the social contract! We force ourselves to stay awake! We don't fall asleep when we're talking to people or when we're driving a car or when we're having sex with someone! You made me into an accidental rapist.
Now I feel like I have to stop a rape from happening just to get back to zero on the rape scale.
I felt your vagina fall asleep on my penis! That's a new sensation.
There's coffee! Hey.
What's going on with these guys? I'm sorry.
I I don't know.
They just gave out.
It's really hot in here.
So unprofessional.
Gator.
Listen.
I just The scene's not working, you know? It's just not alive.
Well, I have an idea.
Can I try something? - Anything at this point.
- Okay.
What if it was more like This? [ Snaps fingers .]
I think I'm looking at Kaitlin.
- Really? Oh! Good! - Yes! Oh, great job.
- Oh, my God.
This is fantastic.
- Good! I mean, what dumb-ass decided to put you in a dowdy brown wig? - It was your idea.
You fought the studio on it.
- No, it wasn't.
I did not.
You threatened to walk if you didn't get your way.
No, that's not true.
It doesn't matter.
We're gonna shoot the whole thing again from the top like this.
Don't worry about continuity.
They can be as relaxed as they want.
- Thank you.
- Mwah! - Fantastic.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
If you ever embarrass me like that in front of my crew, I swear to Christ I will execute you.
Man: Ma'am, calm down.
Calm down, ma'am.
Okay, see that super hot girl in the back? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- She did it.
- You think so? - Yeah, she's way too pretty to be an extra.
- That's her.
Mm-hmm.
- Good point.
- I don't know how you do it.
- Hmm? Being a blond is so much pressure.
If I can't be myself, it's not worth it.
Falling asleep during sex and being yourself are not the same thing.
To me, it is.
I missed being a brunette.
I just wanted to go back to people telling me that they like my shoes all the time.
I missed being a blond but mostly because it goes better with my translucent skin.
- Mm-hmm.
- Was your husband using drugs You know, I'm starting to wonder if our whole premise was flawed.
I don't think I learned anything other than the fact that neither of us are super convincing in mid-price wigs.
You know, I don't think I learned anything, either.
I mean, maybe I just got to have sex because I was wasted.
Maybe my pun joke really wasn't that funny.
You know, actually, I don't even think it was a pun.
Yeah, maybe that guy really did have dogs.
And maybe my nipples just don't look good with brown.
We'll find out who murdered your husband and put them behind bars.
Okay, I do not get this episode at all.
It literally makes no sense.
I know.
I don't get it.
I can't believe they let us return those wigs.
What are they gonna do with a used wig? Make merkins? [ Both laugh .]
- Ew! - Cheryl: Hey, guys! Hey! - Hi! - Oh, my God.
Hey! Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You guys.
Oh, you guys went back to your regular hair.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
It was time.
- You know? - Just feels right like this.
Looks really good.
You look really pretty.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hmm.
You're welcome.
Let's get together.
- Let's do a girls' night.
- Sure.
- That'd be awesome.
- Let's do it.
Totally.
I text you, you call me, or? - Perfect.
- Text us.
Send us a text.
Yeah.
Okay.
Super duper done.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Okay, who was that? - I have no idea.