GCB (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Mama, it's me.
My shift ran late (Bee buzzing) But, uh, I'll be there soon.
(Beep) (Gasps) A bee.
No, no.
No.
No.
No.
No! If I don't loosen up these chains No! (Tires screech) Aah! Okay.
I'm a worker bee, too.
I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me.
(Tires screech) Ohh! I feel a sin comin' on Oh, my oh oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(Click) Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
(Panting) Ohh.
Are you okay? Step back.
I don't want you to freak.
Oh, my God.
Are you bleeding? How bad is it? You're hurt.
You're oh! You're naked.
I warned you.
You're driving naked.
Well (Sighs) Well, it's not against the law.
- I had my seat belt on.
- Oh! Sorry.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you drive naked.
Clearly, I made a big impression.
Look, it's not a habit.
I just spilled excruciatingly hot coffee in my lap earlier, so I was drying my clothes, so you're not my first accident today, but you are the prettiest.
I gotta go.
Wait.
I don't have your information.
Don't need it.
You hit me.
If it's anything major, I'll contact you.
Amanda Vaughn.
Santa Barbara.
California license 3215260.
How did you do that? I'm amazing (Gasps) And I'm late.
(Starts engine) I'd really feel more comfortable if I knew your name You you dropped your pants! (Organ music playing) Uncle Burl, I just can't believe it.
Aunt Bitsy was so vital, so full of life.
She's just (Voice breaks) gone too soon.
I just don't think I could feel worse.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now, ooh I'm found was blind (Lowered voice) Burl, Carlene, Ripp, I just don't even know what to say.
I just feel so awful.
Sure you do, you poor thing.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to have someone die in your home while eating your food.
(Lowered voice) Carlene ate the very same ribs.
But for the grace of God, that could have been her who choked.
Yes.
That crossed my mind.
(Sniffles) Amazing grace how, ooh (Whispers) Sorry.
Late.
Car wreck.
Calm down.
It's nothing.
Relax.
Just grieve.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Oh, a wretch like you and you and you and me, too I once was lost Your mom is amazing.
She doesn't even sound like a white woman.
Awesome, right? - Where's Blake? - Daddy's up at the ranch.
He finally found a new foreman, so he's showing him the ropes.
Where's miss Sharon? See I do think (Cricket sustains note) The blue stole looks better with your eyes and your hair and your skin tone.
I'm just trying to make sure you're pulpit-ready.
Am I doing a good job? (Lowered voice) Yes, but, uh, blue is for advent, Sharon.
(Gasps) White is for mourning.
Uh, do you have my meditation? Oh, yeah.
(Raised voice) I put it on prettier paper.
Shh, shh.
(Mouths words) (Whispers) I'm having so much fun learning how to type.
Uh, baptism? Th-this is for baptism, Sharon.
Well, I'll just retype it.
It'll just be a sec.
I'm up to 12 words a minute.
Sharon, go, uh, go sit with your family, uh, and be with 'em in this time of loss.
Oh, they're fine.
They've never met the woman.
Okay, uh thank you.
Thank you.
(Raised voice) What about your meditation? I'll have to wing it.
(Bell tolling) Carlene, I am so sorry.
It's such a tragedy.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, both of you.
Ripp, you remember Andrew Remington.
Yeah, you're the fellow that, uh, yanked our "Condos for Christ" project out from under us.
Welcome.
"Yank's" a little harsh.
So when is your company moving to town? Well, 30 of our V.
P.
s are already here.
Uh, Heather's been findin' em homes (Chuckles) And gettin' 'em all set up.
She's just been so amazing.
Bravo, Heather.
- Mm-hmm.
- Making all that commission from your relationship with sweet, adorable Andrew.
You're just a busy little beaver.
I mean, she's so socially connected.
(Chuckles) Who knew our little Heather would grow up and be, like, the most powerful woman in Dallas? Mm.
Well (Chuckles) I'm no Heather, but I do own fitness centers, TV stations, hotels, clothing companies, restaurants.
Good golly, we'll be here all day.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Blake and I just love welcoming movers and shakers to town.
Hey, kitten, why don't we throw a boar hunt out at the ranch for Andrew and his posse? Ohh.
Family-oriented.
Nothing quite says "welcome to Texas" like a good, clean kill shot, huh? Uh, Ripp (Chuckles) Carlene, actually I was thinking about hosting something.
I mean, after all, Andrew is with me.
And where would the most powerful woman in Dallas do that, at your your condo? I think your building does have that common area next to I think that wet thing is a pool.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Uh, you wouldn't need caterers, what with all those lovely vending machines.
(Gasps) I've got it.
We can invite your people to our church fund-raiser.
Well, the food is good.
Uh (Chuckles) The entertainment is spectacular.
(Chuckles) Thank you.
(Chuckles) We'll smother 'em with Christian fellowship.
They're not all christians.
(Whispers) Not yet.
(Door closes) How you holding up? All this time.
(Sniffles) What was I thinkin'? Thinkin' about what, darlin'? (Flask clatters) Mm.
Mnh! Mm.
(Gasps) Burl Lourd.
Ohh.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
"No, no, no" is right.
That is your wife's funeral out there.
Oh, heaven forgive me.
Well, I may, but she won't.
When you join her in paradise, she's gonna have your gumballs in her grips for eternity! Gigi, I I- I'm not myself.
(Lowered voice) That's no excuse.
Folks will be wondering where you are.
Pull it together! (Sighs) (Indistinct conversations) Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.
It's so important to me to have you here.
Boy, do I know how much it means to have support at times like these.
We tend to forget how fragile life is.
Howdy.
Now why are you wearing a choir robe? Uh, I lost my pants.
- What? - I have your pants.
Nice.
Wait.
Just a darn minute.
Why do you have my little brother's pants? Brother? GCB 1x05- Forbidden Fruit Original air date April 1, 2012 Luke Lourd.
I didn't even remember Carlene having a little brother.
We never met, did we? Sorta.
Yeah, I was there when you dumped mud on her to make her a javelina in high school.
I laughed my ass off.
I was so awful.
I'm not anymore, trust me.
You seem So different from Carlene, - so - Nice? Yeah.
Well, you see, the difference between me and my sister she is a judgmental piece of work.
I'm just a piece of work.
(Chuckles) Well, gotta go bury aunt Bitsy.
You wanna come? I'm good.
(Zack) Hook shot.
(Clatters) (Whispers) Zack! We're supposed to be helping.
Did you fold the chairs at fellowship hall? Right after this 3-pointer.
(Sighs) Mckinney, sweetie, who are you texting? Alexandra.
I'm telling her to call child protective services or whatever, because I'm starving to death, and my parents don't care.
Yeah, honey, what's for dinner? Don't know yet.
Zack! Honey.
Quit messin' up God's house.
You know (Sighs) You care more about this place than our own home.
You're never around anymore.
It's like you abandoned us.
Stop it.
Stop it.
(Keys clicking) Stop it.
Stop it.
Now pastor Tudor has made me realize that working at the church is a privilege.
It is not a chore.
Either way, this is supposed to be part-time.
Mama, I'm so hungry I've almost reached (Whispers) Eating disorder.
Shh.
I've got an emergency spinach lasagna in the freezer.
Preheat to 350.
Bake for 35.
Don't forget the salad.
Ohh.
(Sighs) (Gasps) Pastor Tudor, I can stay as long as you need me! Ohh.
Burl Lourd! What the hell are you thinking? Do you mind telling me what on earth I am supposed to do with a first-class ticket (Ball splashes) To Paris? Use it.
When Bitsy left this mortal plane, she must have taken your sanity with her.
Bitsy and I were together for 38 years, and I always did right by her.
The last few years, we drifted apart.
Well, that's no excuse for impropriety.
(Sighs) It's too soon.
Dallas will talk.
(Splashes) That's why I'm taking you to France, darlin'.
Dallas can't talk about things they can't see.
Well, I'm not available.
I have responsibilities.
Amanda and I hadn't spoken in 18 years.
Now that she's back, she needs me.
Well, I've never, ever met a woman who would turn down a trip to Paris.
Hello.
My name is Gigi Stopper.
Nice to meet ya.
(Sighs) Oh, come on, Gigi.
Your husband died 18 years ago.
And your wife died 18 seconds ago.
I know you're independent, strong, free, and all that crap, but I've been extremely fond of you for so very long.
Unless I'm crazy, you are similarly inclined towards me.
I am.
Even in second grade, when you put the spider in my lunch box, I knew it was 'cause you liked me.
(Chuckles) I'm crazy about you, always have been.
We've been through everything together.
Except this.
Life's short.
Maybe a little too short, in my case, thanks to my damn bum ticker, but I plan on making the most out of every minute I got left, and because you're a major part of that plan, I will take what I can get.
Oh, think of the fun we'll have, darlin'.
Fine, but no Paris.
My house.
Tonight.
Dinner.
Come after sundown, under the cloak of darkness.
See you at 8:00.
(Women speaking indistinctly) (Cricket) Okay, ladies, let's get Pipe down, people! (Sighs) The Hillside Park United Memorial Church annual fund-raising committee is now in session.
Let's move through this as quickly as possible.
Sharon has informed us that pastor Tudor has to drive all the way to the stadium for an intervention.
Sharon, my schedule is confidential.
Don't worry, pastor Tudor.
Nobody knows exactly who's addicted.
It could be anyone on the team.
Cochair Carlene Cockburn will now review our event responsibilities.
Ladies and pastor, it's all very straightforward.
(Beep) Refreshments Lannylou.
(Beep) Hors d'oeuvres Roslyn.
(Beep) Silent auction Anastasia.
And for the grand finale entertainment spectacular (Beep) Carlene Cricket? No, no, no, no, no.
I am always the spectacular entertainment, sweetie.
Carlene, we cannot allow a repeat of what happened during your performance last year.
That child's seizures were because of the strobe lights, not "glitter and be gay.
" - She bit off her tongue.
- Well why don't both you ladies sing at the fund-raiser? Problem solved.
How wise.
Kinda like Solomon.
I know I've only been here six months, but, uh, I'm gonna throw in my 2 cents.
Preachers don't get paid very much.
(Women chuckle) (Sharon laughs loudly) Uh, this year I want to raise $3 million to remodel the Christian education building.
Ticket sales alone won't do it, so we've got to tap our resources.
We need to step up our game.
I've asked our numbers whiz Heather to run some financials.
Mm.
Numbers whiz? (Lowered voice) She hustles houses in an ace bandage.
I run a conglomerate that, as of 9:00 A.
M.
this morning, is worth $11.
6 billion.
Okay, ladies, um, well, I'm afraid it's not good.
We need to put the "funds" back in "fund-raiser.
" Now (Yawns) Concentrate on the corporate donor, and then bam! You're in the black.
(Chuckles) Yes.
Bam! Uh, and a-as y'all know, my boyfriend Andrew Remington is one of the most successful men on the planet.
We all know that's a resource you've been tapping just as hard as you can.
(Chuckles) So Have at it.
Since you've led him to believe you're the most powerful woman in Dallas, I'm sure you can accomplish things Carlene and I never could.
You raise gazillions.
Fine.
I will knock that ball out of the park.
I'm late for rehearsal with my choreographer.
Cricket, you can't do that.
I have to perform.
Pastor Tudor said.
Darlin', I want you on that stage with me.
Can you play the tambourine? Can I come in? What's happening from the waist down? I waited till you got home.
I've been watching your house all morning.
Wow.
That's not creepy at all.
I'm staying at Carlene's.
Ooh, I feel so much better now.
Well, look, I couldn't go back to Austin until they repair the damage to my car Mm-hmm.
So I'm across the street.
It's convenient.
Convenient to what? Look, this is heavy.
Oh, sorry.
It's from uncle Burl.
- Jeez.
(Grunts) - Okay.
This is, like (Luke grunts) 20 grand worth - Whoa.
All right.
Aah! - Of champagne.
I know, but in this economy, he doesn't feel it's appropriate to send the really good stuff anymore.
What's it for? Your mama's having some kind of dinner party tonight.
Mama's not having a dinner party, and if she is, I'm not invited.
Sweet.
You're free? Tonight? Tonight? Dinner.
Oh.
I-I don't ever really go out.
I- I actually never (inhales deeply) I should probably think about this.
(Chuckles) Why? You totaled my car.
You saw me naked.
I mean, I think dinner's the natural progression of things, and, hey, there's a chance I might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Why miss out on that? You're very strange, you know that? Mm.
Not as strange as my sister.
I'll drive.
(Doorbell rings) - What now? - Amanda.
- Ah.
- Sweet, cradle-robbing Amanda.
What, Carlene? I have tried unsuccessfully to get Luke to explain to me why you have possession of his pants, and Ripp says it's against the law to waterboard immediate family.
I'm more than happy to tell you why I had his pants.
Thank you, but I'd rather hear the truth, horrible as it may be.
Amanda, remember when we took physics together in high school, and I was 40 pounds heavier than I am right now? (Chuckles) Remember when, to the amusement of the class and the humiliation of me, you calculated how many pounds per square of inch of pressure my butt could deliver if it landed on an object from a height of 100 feet? I cannot apologize enough.
My precious little brother is troubled already.
If you go out with him, you can add your own self to the list of objects that will be a greasy spot on the pavement.
In the words of another very famous witch, you have no power here.
Your gardener left this sharp dismembering tool out by your mailbox.
I'd hate for someone to trip and die on it! Okay, well, just tell him Heather Cruz is still waiting for his call.
(Chuckles) I guess that's another potential donor Cricket has just cut off at the pass.
God, this is a disaster.
Why are Carlene and Cricket behaving this way? It's for the church, and they're your friends, right? It's just a very strange dynamic.
Uh, as long as I stay in my poor, single, workin' girl, sidekick place, everything's great.
Now that I'm with you, it's different.
You're more successful than both their husbands combined.
That's funny, 'cause power is the last thing I care about.
The more you have, the more people want from ya.
I need power.
I'm trying to survive in Dallas.
Power is a social currency.
(Cell phone rings) (Whispers) Wait.
Oh.
(Sighs, normal voice) It's Carlene.
(Beep) She's called seven times since we ordered our booby baskets.
She wants me to stop Cricket from headlining the show.
God, I wish I could just make them go away.
(Chuckles) You can.
You're the chairman.
Don't let either one of 'em sing.
Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta have entertainment, otherwise the fund-raiser really will tank, and thanks to Cricket stonewalling me, I don't have any donors.
Biggest hope I have of raising any funds is to pass a hat during the show.
Call this number.
Great gal.
Sang at my 30th birthday.
If you just drop my name, she'll probably do it for free.
- Really? - Just keep it between us.
the devil in me's gonna do me in Thank you.
Anytime.
Mckinney, let's go! Dance class is at 4:00, and then I gotta get back to the church.
(Closes door) Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong? Everything.
(Gasps) Surprise! Bozeman! - Hi, mama.
- Oh, my God! Oh, I swear, every time you are out of my sight, you grow another inch.
Well, wait, sweetheart, what are you doing home? I thought your break wasn't for another month.
Well, I-I got off early.
Uh-huh.
What's her name? Annie.
And Julie.
(Chuckles) (Gasps) Oh, gross.
Bozeman Lafayette Peacham! You got yourself expelled again? What is it with you and these girls? (Purse thuds) I don't know.
Ask them.
Can't blame the boy, shar-bear.
He's got lady-killing in his blood.
Guess so.
Ever since he was in kindergarten, he had those girls just eatin' out of the palm of his hand.
I, for one, don't get it.
Well, that's good, sweetheart.
You're his sister.
Bozey, this is serious now.
We're running out of schools to send you to.
He's here, hon.
The family's together.
Can't we just enjoy it? But I promised pastor Tudor that I would help serve refreshments and name tags at the new members class tonight.
Bozeman was just saying how he's dyin' for a home-cooked meal.
Mama, I have dreamin' about your cassoulet.
Then that is what we will have! Hello? I have dance class.
(Beeping) Life doesn't stop just 'cause Bozeman's home.
Pastor Tudor! (Sighs) It's Sharon.
Great news.
My son Bozeman is home.
Unfortunately I'm not gonna be able to be with you tonight.
Well, praise the lord right back at ya.
(Doorbell rings) (Inhales and exhales deeply) Hey.
Damn.
You cleaned up.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Jeez.
Um, I'm sorry.
(Chuckles) I haven't dressed for a date in decades.
Uh, I'll go change.
No, don't you dare.
No.
We're going to my favorite place in Dallas.
I haven't been in months.
Anything goes there, especially when it's as hot as you.
Where are we going? Oh, you wouldn't know it.
You're too classy.
(Men and women cheer) Amanda! (Man) Whoo! Hey, Amanda! Really? I thought you said you never went out.
You also thought I was classy.
Ooh.
Where did you find this one? (Chuckles) You wouldn't believe it.
I was naked, and she hit me.
We've always wondered what you were into.
Just give us table 12, please.
Okay.
Um, I don't come here to get down.
I actually come here to earn a living.
I didn't tell you 'cause I wanted to see the expression on your face.
Yeah.
There it is.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Wait a second.
Are you the one that humiliated Carlene in church about owning this place? You almost destroyed my sister's reputation.
That's me.
I love you.
(Chuckles) Um.
.
Two booby baskets, chili cheese fries, a pitcher, and a ginger ale.
Oh, and I'm also an alcoholic.
(Blake Shelton's "Honey Bee" playing) If you'll be Louisiana I'll be your Mississippi you be my little Loretta I'll be your Conway twitty Ah.
Wow.
Where did you learn how to do that? Eh, it was my first try.
Remember, I'm amazing.
I'll be your honey bee I do a lot of things with the lights off (Whispering indistinctly) - No, stop.
- But rarely dinner.
- No.
Come on.
I - Oh, look.
Look, there's a full moon I ordered up for you.
- No, just - Come on out here.
Stop it.
Just just hold on just a second.
(Chuckles) (Lowered voice) Put that on.
What (Chuckling) You are crazier than a pet squirrel.
(Chuckling) Don't make fun of me.
If anybody was to see us, it would be very bad.
Oh! (Cricket) Now what's going on? Something's happenin'.
They just turned out the lights.
I'm gettin' my night vision rifle scope.
(Grunts) Oh, crap.
Amanda's wearin' a red cape.
Luke's wearin' some sort of huntin' cap.
Role-playing.
"Red Riding Hood.
" I know that game.
(Gasps) She's kissing him.
Amanda Vaughn's got her forked tongue down my baby brother's throat! Get over there and you stop that right now.
Lord, take this image from my mind.
Let me live in the blessed place of denial.
Denial is not an option.
Pull up your big-girl panties.
You cannot let this debauchery run rampant.
You're right.
I am head of the neighborhood watch.
You get on the ball, Carlene, and you protect your community.
(Chuckles) (Beep) (Burl) "Shh! Ow," yourself.
(Laughing) (Gigi giggling) (Siren wails) (Feedback whines) (Man, amplified voice) We see you in there.
Come on out with your hands up.
(Police radio chatter) Well, so much for keeping us a secret.
It wouldn't have happened if we were making out under the Eiffel Tower.
Ooh.
(Chuckles) Gigi, relax, will ya? That report will be buried in some drawer.
The secret is safe.
You Hey, why was a cop car pulling out of the driveway? Are you okay? Where's Will and Laura? Uncle Burl, are you okay? Is it your heart? It it's nothing.
It's nothing.
It's just, you know neighborhood watch.
My heart's good right now.
Uh, beatin' real fast.
(Chuckles) I'd better call it a night.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Well, I, uh, I guess I'll call it, uh somethin'.
Hmm.
Okay.
Good night.
(Mouths word) (Door closes) How was your evening? It was just dinner.
With dessert? Don't you dare judge me, missy.
I find your behavior appalling.
You end an evening with a gorgeous man with a handshake? What is wrong with you? Mama, is it possible? Did we just have terrific evenings with really great guys? (Whispers) I'm afraid so.
(Both laugh) Ohh.
(Chuckles) We need to celebrate.
Damn straight.
Why the hell don't you drink? (Chuckles) I just got your message, babe.
What (Police radio chatter) (Siren wailing) Holy smokes.
What happened? Well, while I was at the church, your son borrowed my car, then he got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign, then he got pulled in for not having a license.
All right.
Who do I need to talk to? I took care of it.
Nobody will even know he was here.
Take care now, Bozeman.
(Mouths words) Pastor, we could sure use help keeping our son on the straight and narrow.
He could really benefit from a positive role model.
Hey, I'm a role model.
I played pro ball.
Oh, this sucks.
I'm not hanging out at the church.
Dad, you told me if I came home, you'd keep everyone off my back.
You're not keeping up your end of the deal.
There is no deal, Bozeman.
You're here 'cause you got expelled from school.
Not.
Daddy pulled me out so you'd stay home, mama.
Shh.
You used our son as bait to trap me? You belong with your family, Sharon.
(Sighs) All right? You you're such a mother.
No, but he doesn't listen to us! That's why we sent him away in the first place.
Fine.
I'll just send him back then.
- Okay.
- Okay? - No way, I hate that school.
(Sharon and Zack) - Yeah.
(Peachams shouting indistinctly) Zack! Sharon! Bozeman! We are at a, uh, excellent crossroads here.
(Chuckles) I think your issues are clearly defined.
You need to go home and deal with 'em.
Oh, I can't.
The fund-raiser is tonight.
I could never desert you.
It's okay.
Really, I'm fine.
I No, no, no, no.
This is Zack's mess, and he can clean it up.
Uh (Rings) Hello? Amanda, Amanda, sweet, dear, Amanda, it's Carlene Cockburn.
Yes, Carlene, I know.
Luke tells me you'll be his date for tonight's fund-raiser.
I really should thank you for getting him inside a church.
(Cricket) That's not why she's calling.
Hello, Amanda.
This is Cricket Caruth-Reilly.
Yes, Cricket, I know, but why? I invited her to be a part of our party line.
After all, she is an ear-witness.
To what? Your mother's shameless outdoor seduction of my poor, vulnerable uncle, whose wife isn't even cold in the ground yet.
(Chuckles) I'm beginning to see why you are the way you are, Amanda.
You called the cops, didn't you? Only because we live in a family neighborhood, and we have to be respectful of that, but I can assure you, I meant no harm.
Now I know how important Gigi's good name is to her, to everyone really.
Gigi is a pillar in this community.
Rightly so, Carlene.
That's why I don't want anyone to know law enforcement dragged my poor, innocent uncle Burl out of that woman's treacherous holly bush.
God forbid anyone ever see that home surveillance video that caught the whole thing.
Carlene, I don't know where blackmail falls on the list of seven deadly sins you mean among lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride? Nowhere, Amanda.
Blackmail isn't even mentioned in proverbs 6, but this isn't blackmail.
Alls I want is an even trade.
Our silence for your abstinence.
Deny yourself my baby brother, and Gigi's reputation remains unsullied.
Try to meditate on what's best for everyone.
Dear, sweet Gigi.
All she's wanted is a man's devotion for so, so long.
Can't you let her have this? I'm hanging up now.
(Beep) (Click) (Doorbell rings) Hey.
Hi.
Remember these? They're our pants.
Dry cleaned, of course.
Are you ready to go? I'm sorry.
Um, I have to cancel, but you go ahead without me.
Look, I don't care about the fund-raiser.
I just wanted to see you again.
So we can do something else if you're not feeling it.
Luke, it's just not gonna work out, okay? You live in Austin, Carlene hates me, and you're just too too honest and funny and smart and unexpected.
And I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
Wow.
(Grunts) Okay, I did not see this coming.
Neither did I.
Okay.
Um (Clears throat) (Clicks lock) Wow.
I'm not sure Burl should see you looking so fine.
He's got a heart condition, you know.
Doesn't hurt to raise a man's heart rate a little bit.
When's Luke picking you up? (Mouth full) He's not.
I'm not going.
Why? What happened? Nothing happened.
Luke just had to get back to Austin.
There's a crisis.
Is everything okay? Mm-hmm.
Some solar panels at his wind farm, they're not workin'.
Probably because it's night.
Amanda.
It's nothing.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
He hurt you already? No.
I guess I was naive to think dating Carlene's brother would be without complications.
Which is precisely why you are coming with us.
I can't go out unescorted with a recent widower.
How would that look? So you make your spinster daughter be the chaperone? What does that look like? Love and support.
Go get dressed.
The invitation said casual, which means simple and tasteful.
No diamonds bigger than your head.
Heather cute, in-over-your-head Heather, we just want you to know that we forgive you for your bizarre, perverse decision to ban us from the stage tonight.
I can see where you'd be wary of a performer whose legend is based on her business empire.
But poor Carlene, she should be allowed to perform.
I mean, how much longer can that voice last? Ladies, I believe the point is to raise money.
Sometimes you just have to step aside for the greater good.
We realize Andrew's given you your first taste of power, and we pray you don't gag on it.
Oh, look.
Pastor Tudor's goal of $3 million.
And only, um $3 million more to go.
(Chuckles) Good thing you're such a numbers whiz, 'cause you're gonna have to cook these.
- Hey.
(Heather) - Hey.
(Drumroll) (Man, amplified voice) Ladies and gentlemen Thanks.
please welcome our special musical guest.
(Amplified voice) Hi, everybody.
I'm Sheryl Crow.
(Cheering) Before we start, I wanna thank the generous couple who brought me here Heather Cruz and Andrew Remington.
Let's give 'em a big hand.
(Cheering) I hate spotlights.
(Giggles) Thank you.
See that charity board over there? Get out your checkbooks.
This is Dallas.
(Cheering) I heard she took him to the river one day she dumped him in and washed all his sins away then she took him to the cleaners That's Sheryl Crow.
Now then adios, amigo, let us pray I hear there's every angel choir but they're singing way off-key singing hallelujah those bells are ringing at the gate they're singing, "come on, grab a plate" that is the gospel, honey, according to me Pastor Tudor? I'm sorry to bother you, but, uh Hey, Zack.
I-I was just headed outside.
Don't wanna miss the show.
Right.
Quick question.
Are you interested in my wife? Yes.
(Sheryl singing indistinctly) Uh, I think the three of us should talk about this Oh, my God.
Because I'm interested in Sharon the same way I'm interested in you What? Uh, Carlene, Amanda, Gigi, and everyone else here.
I- I wanna help all of you find your way on the Christian path and and avoid damnation.
That is a relief.
I just She just seems so interested in you.
She's not, Zack.
Sharon's just started on a voyage of self-discovery.
Her her job with the church is just part of her exciting new journey.
Can you turn her around and head her back home? Sharon, uh, we need to talk.
We sure do.
Sheryl Crow's manager found two half-naked teenagers going at it on Ms.
Crow's tour bus.
One of 'em was your son, and the other was Blake and Cricket's daughter Alexandra.
Oh, God! I thought bringing Bozeman home was a good idea! I thought he was gonna help fix things! Zack, fixing things is your job.
That's why your wife's attracted to my job.
She likes people who fix things.
It it's not me she's interested in.
It's what I do.
Zack! You thought I was attracted to the pastor?! (Scoffs) I can't believe you! That is that's so wrong! I mean, talk about your H.
O.
V.
lane to hell! I mean, no one no one should ever, ever be attracted to a minister.
- I hope that's not the case.
- Oh, what am I supposed to think? - I mean, you've been talking to Bozeman, uh? - You're never home! - Some kind of conspiracy? Teaching how to lie - You know, I'm all for your personal growth! - And then you think I'm hot for the preacher?! - Stop in the name of love! Zack, deal with Bozeman.
Sharon, stay home.
Don't volunteer anymore.
But you need me.
No, I-I don't Not as much as your family does.
The food was fantastic.
Did you try the truffle crab cakes? Do I look like I eat? (Chuckles) Oh, isn't Sheryl incredible? You know, I said just drop my name.
I didn't want billing, especially double billing.
(Chuckles) We're a couple.
(Exhales deeply) I'm proud to link my name with yours.
And I'm starting to realize that.
(Chuckles) Honey, attaching your name to something like this makes you look good.
I grew up here.
I know how important that kind of thing is in Dallas, but that's not how I roll.
I watched you out there.
You were much more interested in how Carlene and Cricket reacted than you were in me.
But the thing is, I've seen it before.
I already had a "Mrs.
Andrew Remington" who loved bashing people with my money and her position.
Didn't end well.
That's not me.
You know where I came from.
I worked hard to get what I have.
I never tried to put anyone down.
Maybe I'm still just a geek who can't believe that a pretty girl would want me for me.
I guess I haven't really changed that much, but I feel like you have.
Gigi! Uncle Burl! And Amanda.
- Don't you make the prettiest third wheel? - Mm.
She was supposed to have a date until that brother of yours dumped her at the last minute.
Mama, let's not talk about it.
Luke and I just failed to launch.
It happens.
Now he's gone to - Austin.
- Galveston.
No, he's not.
I left him sitting in your living room, lower than a snake's belly, staring at his pants.
I smell a big ol' outhouse rat.
I'm just gonna swing back by Andrew Remington's employees table.
There's a group of sikhs that I've just about worn down enough to go to Sunday school.
I saw a table of turbans and I just went for it.
Shalom! No, mama.
(Clears throat) You are coming with me, missy, right now.
Mama! Spill it! Fine! Luke didn't cancel the date.
I did.
Why? I guess we didn't hit it off.
The hell you didn't.
This is your mother you're talking to.
I know that look in your eye, the one when you're happy.
I haven't seen that lately, but I saw it when you were with him.
Now you tell me the truth.
Why did you send him away? (Whispers) - Mama.
- Amanda.
Mama.
Fine.
Carlene knows about you and Burl, and she knows that if word got out, it would be a big scandal, so we made a deal.
She'd keep a lid on it If you dumped the brother she doesn't want you dating.
Mama, you have waited a long time for this.
It's your turn.
You deserve it.
I don't disagree.
But by God, I think we can both have our beefcake and eat it, too.
(Chuckles) (Cheering) And great news, all you Hillside Park United Memorial lovers.
You've just raised 3 million bucks.
(Cheering) Thanks again to Heather Cruz and Andrew Remington.
Come on.
Just come on.
Don't ask any questions.
- What on earth are you doing? Why - Come on.
Come with me, for Heaven's sake.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Gigi Stopper.
Could I borrow that for a minute? Big fan.
Huge! (Amplified voice) Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
I have an announcement to make.
Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanna say that there's a time for rules and manners, and there's also time to be honest, and just grab the bull by the horns and and and do what you wanna do, no matter what people might think.
Now well, now is one of those times.
(Man) Whoo! (Man wolf-whistle) (Cheers and applause) That's kind of hot.
You set your paws on the wrong girl.
You better thank your lucky stars Blake is tied up at the ranch.
I am so sorry, Cricket.
Because of your son, Alexandra's reputation is in tatters.
You just better not come near my daughter.
Do you understand? Yes m'am.
(Mouths words) Hey! (Snaps fingers) You need to apologize to Alexandra, Alexandra's mama, - and Sheryl Crow.
- Perhaps he can send a note from his next boarding school in Alaska? (Chuckles) I know of an academy in Wasilla with an excellent abstinence program.
Um (Laughs) Cricket, we just got him back.
My son is not going anywhere.
Now I'm sorry about this mess, I- I truly am, but I'm his father.
Now this is your home, and I want you back and I know your mom does, too, but you need to respect our rules.
And the female population.
You need to maintain a 2.
5 grade point average, work three days a week after school at the dealership, where I can keep an eye on you.
And if you're to get involved with any young ladies or women, we need to know about it.
- Now apologize.
- Yes, sir.
(Clears throat) Sorry if I led you astray, Alexandra.
It's okay by me.
(Giggles) Ahem.
I am so sorry, Mrs.
Caruth-Reilly.
(Chuckles) Okay.
Let's go, Alexandra.
You rock, dad.
Yeah.
That was me rocking.
(Chuckles) I think it's time for bed.
Uh, look I-I-I just This won't this won't take long.
Yeah.
I, uh, I wanted to get on the road.
Oh, you shouldn't If your tail light's still broken.
It's not.
Oh.
Well, what do I owe you? An explanation for why you're here.
I came here to reintroduce myself.
Hi.
I'm Amanda.
Right.
Amanda Vaughn.
Santa Barbara.
California license 3215260.
I know.
Luke, I'm sorry.
I may have missed my chance to know you better, and I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Would you believe me if I said it was all Carlene's fault? (Inhales deeply) Look, anybody I date has to be able to handle my sister.
She's part of the package.
Fair enough.
Look, I know this (Sighs) this was a bumpy start, and we don't even live in the same city, but is there a chance we could just try this again? Sure.
Hey, you might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Can't pass that up.
I'm kind of amazing, too.
I never settle for anything less.
So should we shake hands? (Gasps)