Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e05 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Saturday night
bah na-na na-na na-na na
Pretty baby
Saturday night
Bah na-na na-na na-na na ♪
- Do you think I look like
Peter Mandelson? - No. - Oh, thank you.
Come on, baby. ♪
- Do you think Peter Mandelson's gay?
- No way, Jose. - Like YOU'D know(!)
You homosexuals are convinced that
every other bloke's a homosexual.
You're obsessed!
No, I'm not. I'm not.
How do you know
Peter Mandelson's straight?
The reason I know he's heterosexual
as opposed to homosexual
is cos I've first-hand experience
of his wanton carnal appetite.
Like when?
Like when I was down the South Bank
the night Labour got in,
singing Things Can Only Get Better,
Monsieur Le Mandelson
squeezed by for a kebab
and it was practically penetration!
Oh!
- Saturday night, bah na-na ♪
- Oh, stop it!
We know what flipping night it is
without that odious music!
Ooh, you big fat homo!
'Ere, have a face pack.
Do you want aloe vera
or See Ya, Cilla?
I'm just admiring
Thora Hird's boxroom, actually.
Could I just take a little time out
to admire Thora Hird full stop?
She's a lass from Lancashire
with a heart of gold,
half hip replacement, half hotpot.
Aloe vera, please. I can't say I've
ever met or heard of another Thora.
What's that all about, eh?
Maybe I'D get on in acting
if I had a unique name.
- You know what you need, mate? - What?
- Feng shui. It's in this magazine.
You can't get any acting work cos
your drawers are in the wrong place.
Rearrange your room, you'll be
in Silent Witness by Christmas.
- I've BEEN in Silent Witness. - This
time try not to fall off the slab!
There's a feng shui exhibition at
Earls Court. Why not come with me?
Oh, no!
What?
I suddenly feel terribly old!
- Your face pack takes years off ya.
- Look at me, Linda!
- Do I HAVE to? - Saturday night and
what am I doing?! - Doing my head in!
I'm sitting in, pigging out and
planning a run out to a craft fair!
It ain't! It's "fen-g" shui!
No, no. This is not going to happen.
Not so long ago I'd be zipping up
my party pants,
doing a bucketload
of drugs and painting the town pink.
Now I'm knocking 30 and I've
transmogrified into Ann Widdecombe.
There's a Leonardo DiCaprio film
on later where he bares all.
I don't care if he sticks a feather
up his arse and sings YMCA!
It's Saturday night!
Let's go clubbing like the old days.
I can't be arsed.
Who are YOU ringing?
REAL friends. True friends, OK?
Loyal friends!
Degsy! It's Tom. How's it going?
Fancy meeting in town for a drink?
Well, I found these new pills
called Tony Blairs.
Make you grin like a Cheshire cat!
Oh, come on. They're wicked, boy!
No? All right When Leonardo
calls. You've got to go now. Bye.
You know drugs don't agree with ya.
They make you paranoid the next day.
You say everyone in Hello Magazine
is freakin' you out!
You don't get a come-down
with ecstasy.
Ha! And you don't get
reward points with Sainsbury's!
I thought we'd put a stop to that.
Oh, you foolish, foolish child! I
was just trying to tempt Degsy out.
You take everything so literally.
As if I'd do drugs. As if!
I don't intend to sit watching some
pube-free adolescent. I'm going out.
- What about ME? - I asked you if you
wanted to come and you said no,
which ruins my pulling chances.
- Eh? - The sight of you
gyrating in skintight Lycra is
enough to turn ANY man queer!
- Get a life!
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING!
You're going to miss Casualty!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
SO?! You think I'm glued
to that stupid little box, do you?
You think I can't survive on Earth
without my weekly fix of NHS drama?
You really don't know me at all,
do you, Linda La Hughes?
I'll tape it for you, shall I?
- I'll tape it for you, shall I?
- Yes, please.
CAR HORN TOOTS
MUSIC: "Spice Up Your Life"
by The Spice Girls
- Who is it? - The auburn Jerry Hall.
Linda, hi. What can I do you for?
- I'm on an errand of a personal
nature. - Personal's my middle name.
I had undies on my clothes maiden
to dry at the window,
when a slight gust sucked them off
and dropped them onto your patio.
Now, Jez, me back opening's tight
shut and I just can't loosen it.
Would you retrieve
said undergarments for me, please?
- Is it a bra? - Panties.
I'd rather you didn't look at them.
They're quite contemporary.
Hang on two ticks.
Are these they?
- No, you cheeky bastard!
- I'LL have those! - Go and get mine.
- Didn't hear YOU coming down
the stairs. - Well, you wouldn't!
They bring the floor up lovely!
I don't think THESE are Suze's.
No
that's my Bounce.
Suze not about?
- No, she's out. - Oh, shame.
Ever since she went on the game,
I hardly see her.
Oh!
Um have you got a bottle opener?
Of course, babe.
I'll just go and get it.
I'm surprised YOU don't have
a bottle opener, Linda.
Oh, we do,
but Tom's taken it out with him.
- By accident?
- He's taken a shine to it.
You have to nail everything down
when they come from a broken home.
Would you mind opening it for me?
I hurt my wrist in an encounter
- with a runner this morning. - Sure.
Would you care to join me
for a drink?
A quiet Saturday evening, beautiful
woman, I'd be a fool to say no.
Then get that wrist action going
and make my cork POP!
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not drunk! I've just got rather
a bad inner ear infection.
ITALIAN ACCENT:
I have longed to meet someone
with an inner ear infection.
Really?
Can I buy you a drink?
Um
Double brandy and coke, no ice.
Well, it waters it down, you know.
A-ARGH!
Voulez-vous couchez avec moi
ce soir?
Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?
Voulez-vous couchez avec moi? ♪
Oh, you know I love them All Saints.
It's that fusion of black and white.
You can't beat it, can you, Jez?
Well, YOU'RE married to Suze.
It doesn't make me sing
Ebony And Ivory.
- Really? - Mm-hm. - Oh.
- You know who - I - love? Lionel Richie.
Remember that
Hello, is it me
you're looking for? ♪
I thought the video for that
was brilliant.
That should have won an Oscar.
That poor blind woman feeling his
face and then making a model of it.
I just assumed she was an actress.
Really? She was black, wasn't she?
I can't remember, actually.
- Jez, this is your heritage
we're talking about 'ere! - Is it?
Bob Marley - he was great,
wasn't he?
No woman, no cry ♪
What do you think he meant by that?
Gosh, Linda. You're so knowledgeable
about black culture.
Really! Tell me,
what's your take on Idi Amin?
Oh, I LOVE him!
He's like a second father to me.
I'm a minority group meself,
ain't I?
- Red hair! - That's in history books.
After the chapter on
the slave trade.
Oh.
You know, I should have been black,
really.
It's just a fluke of nature
that I weren't.
Yes, and having white parents didn't
help either.
Irish parents. That's practically
black in this country!
'Ere, where's Suze tonight, then?
- Oh, she's at the women's meeting.
- Eurgh. Blugh, blugh.
Tonight they're dancing naked around
a campfire on Hackney Marshes.
Why go to Hackney when you've got
'eaven on a plate right 'ere, eh?
So, how long
have you been with thingy?
Suze? Three years.
I bet you're gagging for a nibble
on a different plate of muffins.
No, not really.
She means the world to me.
- Happily married, then, eh? - Mmm.
Really, Jez, that is great.
But I don't think
I'm the settling-down type.
I really don't think
I could be that boring.
Do you think I'm boring?
I don't find married life boring.
I have a good job, lovely kitchen,
fabulous orgasms
The only thing I'm unhappy about
is
No, no. You don't want to hear this.
Jez, you can tell me if you've got
a problem. I'm a trained Samaritan.
When I did it, I was knockout. I
spoke to all sorts, black AND white.
Sometimes I didn't even ask them
what colour they were!
- Why did you stop? - They don't
bloody pay you. I'm not a charity.
What I'm saying is
if you've got a little problem,
just tell me
if you want to off-load,
divulge,
spill, you know just let me know.
I'd rather not.
Tell me one thing about Suze
you don't like. Does she stink?
- No! - I bet she does.
I bet she's rank, isn't she?
- No, no, no. She smells lovely! - Oh.
- The only thing we disagree about is
I want to get back
to my Sunday league football,
but Suze says Sundays are OUR time.
So it's all right for her to cavort
stark-bollock-naked with lesbians,
but it ain't all right for you to
play football?! Know what I'D do?
- What? - Ditch the bitch!
- We're married for better
or for worse. - Have an affair, then!
- Linda, you tickle me! - Do I? - Yeah.
- Are you ticklish, Jez? Are you?
- Well - Are you ticklish?
- Are you ticklish? - No, please. - Let
me see how ticklish you are. - No!
- No, Linda, no! - Come on, Jez! - Linda!
All right!
I was only ticklin' ya!
I'm going to the loo!
Finish off what I've started?!
315, please. Just three shakes of a
monkey's tail.
- Did you take drugs? - I just can't
stop dancing Turn the music up!
I'm afraid that's my watch ticking.
Is it? That's fantastic.
Hold it up here.
Beverly-Ann, could you
get the keys for 315, please?
Can do, Beverly-Jane.
- Did you have a good evening, sir?
- I am twatted. - Is that a Welsh name?
- 315, sir. - Grazie.
- ..Off your face on pills, sir?
No, just feeling very energetic.
This is not what you think.
We are brothers.
- We're sharing one room
cos it's cheaper. - Goodnight.
Goodnight, sir, and happy shagging.
Do you think they were on drugs,
Beverly-Jane?
- Don't know about him,
but I'M buzzing my nut off. - Me too.
I thought you sprained your wrist?
I have. I'm in agony.
Go on, YOU do it. And hurry up -
AMERICAN DRAWL:
I'm dry-y.
- What were we talking about?
- I don't know.
I can't remember everything, can I?
All right, so I'm a bit tipsy.
Yes, and the Titanic was a bit wet!
I had family on that boat!
Actually
I think I should leave, actually.
I was only ticklin' ya!
You've got a one-track mind.
You can't get arrested for ticklin',
unless there's a very big age gap.
Are you sure
you should have another?
I can't have a drink in me own home
now?! Is there a law against that?
Lock me up and throw away the key -
I was smiling!
KNOCKING
Who's that?! Every time I'm
in with a chance, there's a knock!
Everyone wants a piece of me!
They're squeezing me, Jez!
Linda, is Jez here?
Oh, bloody hell! It's Snow White
with haemorrhoids!
There's gotta be
some reason for that pained smile.
- Did I say you could come in? - Er
- We'll go.
Don't! I'm drunk. I might do meself
an injury. On your conscience be it.
And I've heard all about you
nicking all the black men.
- Why are you being so nasty?
- Cos I want to be!
Why are you back so soon?
No black men for you to nick?
It's a women-only group.
- It's a women-only group. - Lesbian.
It was cold, so we went to Wendy's
to do it round a three-bar fire,
only when I saw she was council,
I thought, "Home!"
"Home!"
Is that what you thought - "Home!"?
I'm not experiencing a tickety-boo
situation here, pumpkin.
Well, he wouldn't BE a pumpkin
if you let him play his football!
Have you got footballer's legs?
I'm being rebirthed in the morn.
I can't afford too late a night.
Let me see your legs!
Ciao, Linda!
SHE SNORES
Da da da-da-da da! ♪
Quick, quick, lovebite check.
- No. - No?
His name was Nino. Italian, on
holiday. Flies back to Milano today.
Posh hotel in Mayfair.
Had about, oh, five minutes' sleep.
Did you take any drugs? I don't
want you getting paranoid on me.
Of course I didn't do any drugs
- What's that?! - It's only a loaf!
Cover it up. It's freaking me out!
Oh!
Argh! What's THAT doing there?!
- It's the toaster!
- Well, why is it staring at me? WHY?
Sure you didn't take any drugs?
PHONE RINGS
It's the police! They're going to
do a drugs bust! They'll bang us up.
I'm a good girl, I am.
'Hello. Leave a message.'
'It's Nino. I wanted to say goodbye.
My taxi will be passing your house.
I'll pop in, say goodbye.
'Ciao.'
- He CAN'T see me! What am I going
to do? - Calm down. Was he a dog?
Lindy, I told him
the smallest of porkies last night.
Like what?
That I'm a top British actor
in a soap opera called Up West.
- Up West?! - I play Dirk Beauregarde,
a ladies' man with a roving eye
and a sandwich business.
- Why did you give him your address?
- I fancied a postcard of Italy!
KNOCK AT DOOR
That's him! No, it's Beryl.
Beryl had a Scottish evening
last night.
Renie got out Brigadoon
and made Dundee cake,
only Beryl can't stand it,
so she's giving it to you.
Did Beryl get pissed on Tennent's
Super and develop a crack habit?
THAT'S Scottish.
- No, that's a misconception.
..Something up? - Tell her.
- YOU tell her. - Oh, sock it to me.
His dirty bit of trade's
coming over and he thinks Tom is
a big soap star cos Tom told him so.
- Is the trade backward? - Italian.
- So, any advice?
- Go out. - I - should.
- God, you ridiculous woman!
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
You don't get far in prostitution
without being inventive.
Come to the feng shui exhibition.
- It's very calming, feng shui. - Yes,
it is. - Linda, grab your pac-a-mac.
DOORBELL RINGS
That'll be Renie for her bagpipes.
You're never Renie's grandson.
You're very tall for 18 months!
Is Tom in?
No, no.
Allow me to introduce myself -
Beryl Merit, Tom's PA.
He was called
to film Call Your Bluff.
Miss Toksvig! My, how you've grown!
Look, there's something I wanted
to tell you,
but you're not
going to be overly impressed, so
I won't.
ITALIAN ACCENT: I know you're not in
Up West. I think you lied to me.
- Yes, I did.
- It's OK. I think it's funny.
You do? Thank God. I AM known for
my sense of humour in North London.
Listen, what do you call
a man with a wooden head?
Ed-ward.
What do you call a man with
three wooden heads?
- I don't know.
- Ed-ward Wood-ward. - Even better.
Your knowledge of British
character actors is bloody good!
- Maybe I lie too? - Eh?
- I say my name was Nino. - Ye-es?
It's Kevin.
Kevin? It's not very Italian.
HE DROPS ITALIAN ACCEN
- And I'm from Manchester.
- But you look Italian!
Me dad's Venetian. He has ice-cream
vans in Whalley Range.
An idyllic childhood.
How rare for the North.
I was having a laugh with the
accent. I live with me fella.
If I was Nino,
Kevin wasn't being unfaithful.
You're very good at the accent.
- Ta. I'm at the Paul McCartney School
of Speech and Drama. - Oh. - Sorry.
No, no, don't be, don't be.
Listen, um, would you mind terribly
pretending to be Italian, you know?
Would you mind terribly
pretending to be on the box?
Hi.
- Hi. - I'll only be a sec.
- Are you all right? - Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe I'm the wife.
Maybe I've always known that
my husband was on the bi bus.
- Maybe I believed him when he said
he'd give it all up for Liam. - What?
Our unborn love child. I mean, what
sort of a future has Liam got, eh?
I didn't realise.
Do us a favour. Do us ALL a favour.
Do Liam a favour.
Leave.
I'm sorry. How COULD he?!
Don't say nothing to him. He may
look like a mild-mannered jessie,
but underneath
he's handy with his fists.
Mmm.
"SMOOTH" SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
Ow!
Ow! O-O-Ow!
- Oh, that IS nice. Oh-h.
- I-Is it? I-Is it? - Ye-es. - Aw-w-w.
Isn't it typical?
The one man I meet who can cope
with my slight exaggerations
turns out to be a lying, compulsive,
violent man from Manchester!
How can someone change like that -
going from so caring to so violent?
He was mentally unbalanced. I know
I'VE never claimed to be Italian.
Renie has. Trying to get a discount
on her "tirami-su".
KNOCK AT DOOR
Sister Beryl will respond!
Let this be a lesson to ya.
- The homosexual underbelly is a very
dangerous area to explore. - I know.
Tom, are you OK?
What do YOU want?
How heart-warming -
neighbours rallying round.
Jez, come closer
for my sight is poor.
I think I'm going to pull through,
but it's touch-and-go.
Touch and go.
- What happened? - We never got to that
feng shui exhibition, that's what.
A word of advice.
Never trust a bogus Eyetie.
- I came to see YOU, Linda. - Oh.
- You've seen me. Now get out!
- Keep the noise down.
QUIET!
- I want to say thanks. - Any time!
Not for being rude
or always mentioning I'm black
or for being pissed.
You've gone through her repertoire.
For bringing up the football
in front of Suze.
We had a good chat last night and
..these are my footballer's legs.
Oh, Jez!
I scored an own goal and got sent
off, but at least I played.
Suze and I are
getting on better than ever.
You can say that again! Hi, cats!
Hey, I like the steak, Tom.
You gays are streets ahead of us
on the A-Z map of fashion.
Oh, naff off!
Sorry I'm late, Jezzy pie.
My rebirthing overran.
They had to perform
an emergency Caesarean.
Still, I'm here now, and they
even gave me some Quorn placenta,
so that's tea sorted.
I'm so glad we're talking properly,
and it's down to the lovely Linda.
Ain't it the truth!
Oh, pussy willow. I wuv you.
- Oh, ditto, dreamboat.
- Thanks, Linda. - Thanks, Linda.
Oh, fuck off!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there ♪