Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce I am gonna give you the younger man experience.
How do I get a hold of you? Let's just let it happen.
What? What does that even mean? Abby saw you kissing the Euro hubby at school the other day.
I'm actually trying to help save Vika's marriage.
What are the therapeutic qualities of your vagina? I think we should come out to the world.
Can't it just be our fantasy for a little bit longer? Yeah, that's fine.
You have no idea what's happening with Vika.
You have no idea what's going on with me.
At least I'm not home-wrecking.
How about your home, Lyla? How about you? Dan is possibly going to take my children away.
I'm sorry.
You've lost your street cred in the mommy wars.
I'm sorry, but we think the Girlfriends' Guide franchise is dead.
Dead? Lily! If you are not downstairs in two minutes, we are driving away without you.
I'm coming.
God.
[Phone ringing.]
Missy.
- Back Burner Baby.
- What? It's the thing in the mommy market right now, blazing up the charts.
Okay.
Hey, can I call you back? Cleo Stevens is a real inspiration.
Take a look to see what's selling for your next thing.
Great.
I got to go.
Okay, okay, I got it.
Bye.
Hey, what now? - Gym bag.
- Seriously? Every morning, you forget.
I'm leaving.
- Hello, what's going on - You're gonna need[Bleep.]
.
You need at least a 50 SPF.
Why can't you just go? Because I am not the one who forgot her sunscreen.
- Mom, we're gonna be late.
- Okay, fine.
I need money.
You're gonna have to use my credit card.
- What if they ask me for I.
D.
? - Come on! I'll do it myself.
Promise the best is yet to come You know anything over SPF 30 is overkill.
Hi.
Oh So I can prove that I'm the one I'll prove that I'm the one I'll prove that I'm the one, prove Will, wow.
Hi.
What are you doing here? You know, just dispensing free sunscreen advice.
And an emergency milk stop.
Yes, growing boy, building bones.
Totally dumb.
All right.
No, my apartment's just around the corner from here.
But wait.
You would remember that.
- Yeah, right.
- Right.
Was this kind of what you had in mind when you said just let it happen? 'Cause you know I'm gonna ask for your number again.
[Cell phone chimes.]
Um, sorry, kids are waiting in the car.
I got to go.
Okay, I tell you what.
You give me a call.
I'll give it to you.
323-555-0127.
- 01-what? - 27.
27, yes.
One year younger than you are.
You know, this whole age thing, it doesn't matter to me.
- It's just-- - Totally kidding.
[Laughs.]
Um [Phone rings.]
Ugh! My daughter.
Ugh.
Um It was great seeing you.
You too.
Call me, Abby McCarthy.
The best is yet to come Oh, sorry.
Oh, please tell me the truth When will the two of us be one? It's a nightmare.
My mom wants to be here the whole week 'cause it's Spencer's birthday, and Eric is still getting bullied at school.
Oh, the bullying? Yes, he's gonna keep getting bullied if he uses that rolly bag to put his books and stuff in.
It's actually luggage.
It's a rolling house.
Yeah, it makes him a target.
He brings it from class to class.
And to make matters worse, the case worker's coming tonight.
- That's tonight? - Yes.
Ugh! So we have some court-appointed minion who's overworked and underpaid who's gonna come to my home, watch me interact with my kids to see if I'm fit.
And all the while, my mom gets to be a witness to it.
Ugh! [Sighs.]
Maybe it's a good thing.
Are you talking to me? I thought you weren't talking to me.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
I feel so awful about the other night.
I know you're under a lot of stress.
I shouldn't have gone off on you.
I am so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I mean, I have to be honest; I'm not sorry, 'cause I feel you were in the wrong.
- But I love you.
- Okay.
- Oh! - Okay.
- Whoo! - Now, about Will.
That's really what I want to know.
I--I'm not gonna call.
I am literally old enough to be his mother.
Why not? That is fate.
- It's not appropriate.
- No, that's just cultural bias.
If the genders were reversed, you'd be parading him around.
Yes, like Jake does with Becca, which, in my opinion, seems sad and desperate and mid-lifey.
[Cell phone chimes.]
Ugh! Please don't tell me it's sad-in-the-sack Nate.
No, it's Melissa sending me more stuff on that new author, Cleo Stevens, 'cause she wants me to study up on her marketing savvy.
That's annoying.
That's very annoying.
And the book is ridiculous.
It basically advocates child neglect so the parents can drink and have more sex.
Well, on that, she and I agree a little bit.
You would say that, 'cause you're screwing a married man.
I'm totally kidding.
I don't give a shit at all.
It doesn't bother me.
- And his wife.
- Uh, what? - At the same time.
- Come again? And again and again and again.
It's insane.
We are together.
Me and Vika and Merete are together.
I was gonna tell you before, but it's complicated.
When you say "together," what does that-- We are in a relationship.
It's not just about the sex part of it.
I mean, we go out, and we talk.
But the heavy stuff, the--the conflict, the possessiveness, the--the drama-- You mean like when you're in a relationship? Yes, the part of the relationship that sucks? I don't have to deal with it, because they have each other for that.
I'm with them, but I'm not obligated to them.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - I do not.
You're processing.
I totally understand that.
Merete actually has a piece at an art opening tonight.
She's really talented, and maybe you can drop by.
It sounds super awkward.
- No.
- [Laughs.]
[Cell phone buzzes.]
Ooh, what the-aw, no.
My mom is here.
- Oh.
- And she wants to meet you.
She's a nightmare.
There she is.
- Sweetie.
- Hello.
Hello.
Oh, you look so pretty.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, this is Abby.
This is my mother, Annie.
I just had to come by.
Lyla says such great things about you.
And Phoebe, even more stunning than I imagined.
I'm just gonna go freshen up, and I'll be right back.
Bathroom's over there.
Do you want anything? N-no, I'm not gonna be staying long.
Do you see? She's a nightmare.
I mean, exhibit "A," right? It's a nightmare.
[Knocking at door.]
Hi.
Hey, I've been looking for you.
You have a sec? Yeah, come on in.
Closing the door.
Am I in trouble? You know I think the world of you.
Oh, yes, I'm in trouble.
It's just, we got another grievance complaint against you.
Delia? Come on.
You know I can't say.
But no, it wasn't her.
Lyla, come on, you've been through, what, six assistants in the last four months? It's not my fault that the Ivies are allowing idiots to matriculate.
Could you listen to me, please, for a second? Yes, yes, yes.
Lyla at 70% enraged is a great attorney and an asset to this firm, but you are way beyond that, and it's not good for anybody.
Admittedly, I've been going through a lot, but I-- Yes, I know that.
I know that.
And to that end, some of the partners are talking about you taking a leave of absence to decompress.
- Am I being fired? - No.
God, no.
Just--you need some perspective.
You mean the world to me, but you're making enemies left and right, and it's not good, not for you and not for the firm.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, fine.
How about this? I will take the walnut bookshelves if you will hold onto the leather chair we got at the Rose Bowl.
No way.
I never wanted that awful thing.
It smells.
It's comfortable, and it has vintage charm.
You love it, then.
It's yours.
Sold to blue.
Wow.
Aha, here she is.
Why are there post-its everywhere? Your dad came early so we can start sorting through stuff so he can have some real furniture at his place.
Class up the Paradiso.
Hi.
What are the colors for? Charlie? We went gender normative.
The pink is for the things that I'm keeping, and the blue is for things that Dad's taking, and the yellow are for things that we can't decide on.
Oh, Dad's taking the smelly chair? - Maybe.
- Yes.
No, but it belongs here.
He can't do that.
She has a point.
But when it's at my place, you'll still be able to see it and sit on it and smell it.
It's not funny.
It's supposed to be here.
God, this is so stupid.
Lily-- I guess I'm blue this weekend.
No, Lily.
She's been really testing the boundaries lately.
- Okay.
- I'm serious.
And you have to come down hard when she starts.
Message received.
And if anything happens or if you need me, just call me.
Abby, enough.
When I have the kids, you're off the clock, so just go enjoy yourself, okay? - Hi, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.
Come on.
Ready? It looks weird in here.
Yeah.
Go on.
Relax.
I got it.
- Come on, Dad.
- Hey.
"Relax.
" [Traditional Japanese music playing.]
[Whispering, laughing.]
Hi.
Oh, Lyla, perfect timing.
[Speaking Japanese.]
Mommy.
Oh, yes.
Hi, hello.
Look at you.
Look at you.
I thought we were gonna keep things simple.
It's simple.
It's little--couple of lanterns, hand-rolled Sushi.
This is serious.
The case worker's gonna be here any minute.
I made your favorite, rock shrimp tempura.
It's so good, mama.
Try it.
Okay.
Can you just take the costume off? It's an authentic kimono.
I really need you all to take the costumes off.
And what's going on over here? Oh, yeah, I saw all these school papers just lying around, so I thought that I would help you get organized.
You're taking cookies to school tomorrow for the bake sale, so I made my oatmeal chocolate chip, okay? No, it's not really okay.
I knew that.
I was gonna make cookies.
I wanted to make cookies.
Oh, she's here.
Take 'em off, and then when you come back, we're gonna have a normal family dinner just like always, except we're not gonna watch TV.
We're gonna talk to each other and have a-- A really enjoyable time.
Hi.
I'm Lyla.
Donna.
Donna, this is my mother, Annie.
Annie, this is Donna.
Ah.
[Speaking Japanese.]
Hey, did you finish your homework? - Yeah.
- Really? All 2,000 words on how Lord Of The Flies was inspired by William Goldman's experiences in World War II? William Golding.
That's what I said.
Plus I did some extra credit in French.
Mm.
[Speaking French.]
.
- Oh, okay.
- I have to go call Jade.
She's totally freaking out 'cause her mom won't let her wear mascara to school.
It's so retarded.
[Sports game playing on TV.]
What do kids have for dessert? Ice cream? You know that one.
I like that one a lot.
So is everybody okay? Lyla, you really outdid yourself.
This looks-- It looks so delicious.
I hope you didn't go out of your way.
No, we like to do this kind of thing a lot, right? You know, a Sushi fest.
[Sighs.]
Um I know it's jarring having a case worker in your home, but just try to relax and treat this dinner like any other, okay? Of course.
Okay, so what can I get you? I'm celiac.
Is there gluten in the rice? Yes, yes, there's gluten in rice.
That must be very hard for you.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Um Oh, this is good.
Toot-toot.
Oh, my God, do you look fabulous.
- Thank you.
- I love this dress.
Gorgeous.
Thank you.
I--I'm going to a club later.
- I'm hanging out.
- Oh.
Did--did Phoebe invite you to her big debut? Are you kidding me? I invited myself.
This I had to see.
Yeah.
Just no divorce lawyer talk tonight, okay? I'm taking the night off.
Oh, of course.
Oh, you haven't gotten back to me about the forensic accounting.
Oh, I--sorry, I just keep forgetting.
No, you're not forgetting.
You're resisting.
- You're talking about it.
- Sorry.
- Fine.
Punching out.
- Thank you.
Speaking of, where is Miss Lyla? She is busy tonight.
Her mom is here, and-- - Oh.
- Hi.
- Ladies, hi.
- Hi.
Delia, I don't think you've met Vika and Merete.
- You know Abby.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Delia, Merete.
- Hi, Delia.
I feel like I know you so much better.
We're so glad that you came tonight.
We were worried that not everyone would be so accepting.
Yes, coming out can be hard.
Yes.
- Yeah, well-- - I think it's great.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Whatever floats your boat.
We just feel very lucky to have met such an amazing woman.
- Thank you.
- She is amazing.
So we'll have one more drink here, then take you on a little adventure.
Oh, my God, I love adventures.
- You know me so well already.
- Okay.
We'll be back.
Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
That cannot possibly work.
It beyond works.
I mean, isn't it too much? That's, like, double the emotional needs.
Yeah, but they take care of my needs, and then they take care of each other's needs, so I'm totally supported.
- It's amazing.
- Wait, wait.
What about the sex? One train, two tunnels sounds like a serious supply-and-demand issue.
- Yes, yes.
- Very good question.
It's not all about P.
I.
V.
Penis in vagina.
With three people, there are exponentially more ways to get off, like T.
I.
V.
- Okay.
- There's V.
O.
V.
All right.
And then, of course, my favorite, P.
I.
B.
Just don't knock it till you've tried it, okay? Bye.
- V.
O.
V.
- it's TMI.
I agree.
[Both laugh.]
I think you need some soy sauce.
- Oh! - Mom! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
California water tables have dropped to record lows.
I know.
He's very socially conscious.
We're really proud of him, but-- It's okay.
Aaron, take a breath.
And just think about the hydrological cycle.
- No, no.
- No, Grammy.
The hydrocycle, the evaporation of 200 extra gallons of water.
[Sighs.]
Would you like some sake? Gluten.
Stella! Would you quit that howling down there? - Dad? - Mm, it's okay.
It's just--it's Mr.
Rosenberg's acting class again.
Kowalski, quiet! Sorry, buddy.
It sounded like someone was getting murdered.
Yeah, Tennessee Williams, I believe.
I never felt the way I do.
Rosenberg, seriously! Lily.
[Knocking at door.]
Lily.
Lils? [Snoring.]
Are you asleep already? [Snoring.]
Oh, shit.
Okay, well, if you do hear anything, you-- Right.
No, actually, that's my wife's cell.
If you could call this number-- Okay, thank you.
Bye.
You get anything? Not yet.
I'm-- I checked Facebook and Twitter, and I'm on Instagram now, but-- And that's all the parents of the kids she's friends with and nothing, so You got to call Abby.
I don't know.
I don't want to freak her out.
I mean, you know what she's like.
Come on.
Let's just keep going.
Jake, call her.
I will call her after I call all the parents of the kids Lily's not friends with.
Hi, Vicki? Yeah, hi, this is Jake Novak.
I'm Lily's dad.
[Techno music blaring.]
You know how to do it right Sometimes I think you see right through me You know what's on my mind - Little less crazy down here.
- Yeah.
What are you drinking? Like, a vodka tonic, or-- Oh, sorry.
Can I get a beer and vodka tonic? So this is just the opening act.
The band is amazing.
Okay.
Back in my day, we called that a DJ.
Oh, you mean the guy in the little booth-- Both: Off to the side.
- Yeah.
Now, I, like-- People packed auditoriums to watch guys play vinyl.
Yes.
Those crazy kids.
Thank you.
I hope--do you want to just get out of here and go to a restaurant where we can talk? I thought this might be fun for you, a little something different, and I'm telling you, the band is-- The band's amazing.
Let's just stay for a few songs.
I want to, you know, be all able to say that I saw the-- Oh.
Both: Zigzags.
At the Echoplex.
Silver Lake.
All right.
Just for the record, you should never say it like that again.
[Laughs.]
Okay, it wasn't totally a coincidence, us running into each other.
What do you mean? Well, you may have mentioned that that was your mini mart, so I made it my mini mart.
Wow, that's scintillating conversation on my part.
You did, really? How else was it just gonna happen? I wanted to see you, Abby.
That's sweet.
Oh, shit.
Maybe she didn't.
- Nope, she definitely did.
- She who? Do you know what? Just someone I used to date.
Okay.
I think we lost her.
What's with all the cloak and dagger? Are you embarrassed to be here with me? No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's-- Will! Hey, Rachel.
So here you are.
So how many times do I have to call you, huh? You can't act like I don't exist.
No, no, I know you exist.
Trust me, okay? - There's nothing left to say.
- And you.
- You're the slut he's hung up on.
- Hey.
- Um, I don't think so.
- Rachel, come on.
You know, he was with someone, you slut! Get her out! Get her out of here! You stepping to me, bitch? Huh? You threw your drink on me.
You want to fight me, you slut? - Enough with the "slut.
" - Slut! That's a terrible word.
All: Hey! - And you must be Phoebe.
- I am.
We've heard so much about you.
You have? - We've been bragging.
- Oh.
Come on in.
Don't be scared.
It's just fun and games.
Okay.
- Looks good to me.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Let's go.
- What the hell, huh? - Uh-huh.
[Music blaring.]
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
That was awesome.
I was almost in a bar fight.
Me.
Was I "stepping to her"? What is that? - You know, just getting aggro.
- Aggro! Yeah.
Oh, I am, like--I'm shaking.
I'm so pumped.
I feel like I could wrestle a bear or a shark or I don't even know.
Oh.
Whoo! I like you.
You know that? Even though you smell like beer.
I do.
Listen, Rachel is why I was embarrassed.
I went out with her for a couple of weeks, and then all of a sudden, I realized she's just-- - She's crazy.
- Totally.
You don't even know.
I'm a little crazy.
A little crazy's perfect.
Heineken.
[Laughter.]
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
What the hell are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - I asked you a question.
Does your father know you're here? No, why? Does he know you are? Don't you start with me.
- How did you even get in? - It's all right.
Miss McCarthy, my dad manages the band, so I don't know who you are.
I'm Kyle, Lily's boyfriend.
- Not right now.
- What? Kyle, can you please just give us a minute? Well, yeah.
Wait, who's he? This is my friend Will.
Will, this is my daughter, Lily.
You guys are on a date? That's sick.
He's, like, my age.
Trust me, no one in this club is your age, Lily.
- Look who's talking.
- We're done.
We're leaving now.
Bye.
People think our lifestyle's unrealistic, but don't you think monogamy's unrealistic? Yes.
I mean, this idea that just one person can meet your needs.
It's so old-school.
- It's game time, honey.
- Oh, awesome.
I'm ready.
Me too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? Uh, jumping the gun.
I'm sorry.
I don't--I don't know the rules.
Vika, we have another situation.
Phoebe, I think you may have misunderstood.
Kathy's in a committed polyamorous relationship, just like us.
We're poly, although I guess the new PC term is ethical nonmonogamy.
We all are.
Um I was getting more of the orgy vibe.
[Laughs.]
No.
Can--would you excuse us for a second? I'm so sorry.
Okay, when you guys said you wanted to take it to the next level-- We meant we wanted you to meet our community.
Community? What did you think we meant? Not Costco cheese platters and cards against humanity.
Phoebe, us bringing you here tonight was a big step for us.
We've been looking so long for our third, but every time it doesn't work out.
And then you, you're the first person that we've ever been with that we've both felt the same way about.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
And we wanted to give you something as a gesture of our commitment.
Open it.
It's a symbol of polyamory, a heart with an infinity loop.
I am flattered.
Don't you think we're moving a little fast? Oh, Phoebe, when you know, you know.
We're in love with you.
We want you to think about moving in with us so we can share parenting, households, everything.
Everything.
Wow.
Sorry.
God, what are you wearing? Get in there right now.
I can't believe you.
- Why didn't you call me? - It's my night.
No, not if you lose her, it's not.
I didn't lose her.
She played me.
You still need to tell me.
If this had happened on my watch, you wouldn't want me to call you? I figured she was out with friends, which she was, right? - That is beside the point.
- I called everybody.
I did everything you would have done.
So if you had found her before I knew, would you not have told me? - No? - It's not a contest, Jake.
Well, then why are you acting all the time like it's who can be the better parent? Really? Well, if that's the case, then you fail.
Oh, wow, Abby.
Can't you just say, "I'm sorry; I should have called?" How'd you find her? I saw her at the Echoplex.
What were doing at the Echoplex? I was there to see the Zigzags.
They're an ama-- You know what? It's none of your business.
Was she drinking? No, she was making out with an older guy.
With this guy? - This guy's too old for-- - No.
No.
I could kick this guy's ass right now.
No, that is my friend Will.
- Oh, that's your friend Will.
- Yes.
Oh.
Wow, he's just a widdle boy.
He's 28.
Okay, wow.
Oh, please don't look so shocked that someone his age would be into me.
It's that like a screw you 'cause of Becca? - No.
- Is that what we're doing now? Of course not.
Like, you're gonna go 19 next or whatever you--oh, boy.
Guys, everyone's had a rough night.
Yes, we have.
We don't need your help.
Thank you.
- It's okay, Will.
- Maybe we should just go.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Charlie woke up, and he was upset 'cause I was the only one there.
I got it.
I got it.
Okay, I said I'll take care of it, Abby.
I just want to see him.
Abby, I said we got it.
"We.
" "We.
" Who, you and Becca, the parenting expert? Oh, no, no, you're the expert.
You're the relationship expert.
You're the expert on everything.
Just go home! Enjoy your revenge sex, okay? Take him home.
It's a school night.
This whole time, you've been up my ass about how old Becca is, and then you show up with that.
Come on, man.
Seriously? - Sorry.
- You know what? Seriously, don't! - Grow up, Jake.
- You grow up.
Oh, shut up.
Shut up.
What's wrong with you? You're both acting like-- How come I'm the only one acting my age? You make me sick.
Lyla, is everything okay? Yup.
Just making some cookies.
I think you may have forgotten the baking soda, honey.
Of course I forgot the baking soda.
Please put that down.
No.
No.
Put it down.
Stop.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I just want to help.
I don't want your help.
I asked you for one thing today: Keep it simple.
And on some childish whim, you decide to have a theme night.
I think it made her feel very comfortable.
It doesn't make anyone feel comfortable.
It made me feel-- - Well-- - I looked like an idiot.
We all did.
Just--just go to bed.
Do something.
Just--just get out.
Then I'll go.
I'll--I'll-- I'll be on the first flight back to Seattle tomorrow.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh! - Stop.
Come on.
I can't help it.
It's like--like I have apology Tourette's.
Look, there's no way that you could have known what an absolute shit show tonight would be.
[Both laugh.]
Do you remember when the girl fight was the big story? Oh, yeah.
Will.
Yeah, I know.
You don't have to say it.
I wish I was in the right place for you.
You're just too mature for me.
[Laughs.]
I kind of mean it.
I--I have so much work to do on me, on everything.
Okay.
You know, despite all the drama, you're still the sanest woman I know.
Obviously.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Okay, um, we should-- I just--I want to be with someone that knows who they are, not a human time bomb.
[Laughs.]
Me too.
I just need, like, a year.
- Maybe five.
- No.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know, when you do grow up, you should call me.
Okay.
Just put the bag down.
Mom, please.
- I'm sorry.
- Mom.
I'm sorry.
I'm overwhelmed right now.
I feel like I'm losing everything.
And your attitude and optimism about it, I can't get behind it.
I don't believe in that stuff.
I'm not like you.
I know.
You're like your father.
Thanks? No, no, your dad is an amazing man.
Why do you think I stayed married to him all these years? Because he was never home.
That's not fair.
It's exactly fair.
Listen to me.
You're so loving and perfect.
I'm not perfect.
I'm hardly perfect.
Please, come on.
The skin, the hair.
I mean, just because I don't go on about my feelings all the time.
I don't want to know about your feelings all the time.
I want to know who you are.
Yell, or stand by a conviction.
Just-- When's the last time you cried? Three months ago, when my father died.
Grandpa's dead? Yes, he is.
I'm--prostate cancer.
Oh, my God, nobody told me.
Nobody called me.
You were going through so much with your divorce, I just--I wanted to wait till the right moment.
Is this it? Probably not.
That is so odd.
Really? By any objective standard, I'm--that's interesting.
When I had my back surgery, I was briefly addicted to painkillers for five years.
- You--painkillers? - [Laughs.]
I--I used to shoplift from charity stores.
I have many Jesuses.
I did not expect that.
Nobody's perfect, and certainly I'm not.
But I see you now, a little bit, and this should have been happening more.
That's not a mother's job.
A mother's job is to protect her children.
Is the implication that I don't protect mine because I'm so effusive with them? No, Lyla.
That I somehow deserve what is going on with me? No, Lyla, that's not what I said.
And possibly losing my children? Enough, Lyla.
Lyla, enough.
I have to go pack.
Grandpa's dead.
[Door closes.]
Mmm.
Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory Falling on my head like a new emotion I want to walk in the open wind I want to talk like lovers do I want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you? Oh, baby, walk with me Like lovers do Talk to me Like lovers do Hurry up, Mom.
We're gonna be late.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Are you wearing a backpack? No, it's a shoulder-mounted survival kit.
Grandma gave it to me.
It comes with a Camelbak hydration pack and a safety whistle.
Yeah, that's important.
So get in the car.
I will meet you there.
I promise we will not be late for the bake sale.
Oh! Well, so I'll talk to you tonight? Lily? Charlie's still in the car.
Sorry, bud.
Come on.
Hey, Lily, hey.
Honey, can I talk to you? Yeah, Dad told me.
I'm grounded, and I lost my phone for two weeks.
Okay.
Um, good.
Look, it's not okay for you to lie to us, and it is not okay for you to sneak out.
But, um, your dad and I-- We've been crazy lately, and you have every right to be mad at us.
We suck right now.
Divorce sucks, and we need to figure out how to be better for you.
I'm really gonna try, okay? Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Now I'm gonna hug you without embarrassing you, because I love you.
I love you, honey.
But seriously, Mom, that guy's way too young for you.
It's totally Ratchet.
Ratchet.
[School bell rings.]
I just cannot believe that.
Who doesn't tell someone their grandfather's dead? I know.
It's--it's unusual.
But when I found out that she was a pill-addicted shoplifter You felt closer to her.
- I felt closer to her.
- Yes, I get that.
- I don't want you to hate her.
- No.
Because these are such good cookies.
- I know.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
I thought I was the only one whose night was a disaster.
No.
Definitely not the only one.
Oh, really? Somebody has something to share.
Your date with Vika and Merete wasn't great? Honestly, it was a little weird.
The threesome got weird.
Go on.
They wanted to marry my ass.
Yeah.
[Phone chimes.]
Sorry.
How crazy is that? And guess what? - Guess where they took me? - Where? - Woodland Hills.
- That's ridiculous.
- I know.
- Ugh! Why does she keep sending me these things? Don't worry about it.
No one cares about that, honestly.
I'm really excited about our next guest.
Cleo Stevens is here.
She's the author of the best-selling advice book Back Burner Baby: Mommy Needs Candy Too.
So, Cleo, this book generating a lot of chatter.
Why do you think it's hitting such a nerve? Well, I think it's 'cause I'm calling out all the B.
S.
That we moms have been drip-fed for, like, the past 20 years.
I mean, on the one hand, we're supposed to work full-time, and on the other, we're supposed to be these fully immersed mommy-copters.
That leaves about zero minutes for ourselves.
I mean, no wonder we're all mainlining Sauvignon Blanc, right? In your book, you propose what I'll say is a different kind of parenting system.
By "system," you mean one rule? [Laughs.]
More time for yourself.
The kids'll be fine.
I mean, otherwise you're just gonna have a nervous breakdown like Abby McCarthy.
Wow, ouch.
Well, I'm sorry, but she is the perfect example of what I'm talking about.
She spent 14 years hyper-focused on her kids, and that's all she wrote about.
I mean, there's barely a mention of the husband.
And then she snaps.
[Phone rings.]
- Did she snap? - I mean, look.
I don't have anything against her personally, at all.
She was relevant once.
I think the conversation has moved on, right? Isn't it time we got real? I think that bitch just stepped to me.
Like a woman on a warpath