Glee s01e05 Episode Script

- Here's what happened last week.
Quinn told Finn - I'm pregnant.
- But she didn't tell him that he's not the father Puck is.
- What's up, MI LF? - Can you believe that? - Wow.
- That's not the only baby drama.
Terri says she's pregnant, but really she's faking and Mr.
Schuester doesn't know.
Oh, my God.
Rachel quit the Glee Club because Sue got Sandy to come back to direct a musical.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
#Asinger in a smoky room # #Asmell of wine and cheap perfume # # For a smile they can share the night # # It goes on and on and on and on # Quinn, you okay? I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.
- Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room? - Your sexuality? - Rachel.
We can't do it without her.
- That's not true.
We may have to layer Santana or Mercedes over Quinn's solo but we'll be fine.
Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the sectionals.
- Certainly not the regionals.
- The wheelchair kid's right.
Rachel makes me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.
Rachel left, guys.
She's gone.
Now, if we're gonna make this thing work, we can't look back.
Take five, guys.
Um, Mr.
Schue? I don't wanna tell you how to do your job but with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing, I'm kinda worried about the baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get it.
Um How about I give Tina a few of her verses? Okay? - Okay.
- You think you might wanna tell your mom what's going on? I think I'd rather handle it myself right now.
My mom's got enough to worry about.
How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray's been upchucking every 15 minutes.
Really? That's a really good sign.
That means the baby's not a mongoloid.
- Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then? - Oh, no, honey No, no, you should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work.
Mmm.
I don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole Rachel thing.
- Would you like anything else? - Another piece of grasshopper pie.
- What, are you going for the record? - I'm with child.
Did you go to McKinley High? I think I had you in my Spanish class.
Yeah, like, five years ago.
I go to Carmel now.
How is that possible? - You must be 22.
- Twenty-four.
I'm a six-year senior.
They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.
- They fail you on purpose? - Yeah.
- Is that legal? - I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.
Yeah.
Hey, how about that other piece of pie? How about it? Honey, are you all right? Yeah.
Fine.
So, have I done something wrong? Oh, no.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
No, um, actually, I've just, um taken a special interest in you.
Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you pretty fast and you reach a point where you might just need a little, um special guidance.
Has someone told you something about my personal life? - Nope.
Mm-mmm.
- Can you keep a secret? But, you know, there are very few students that ever get athletic scholarships.
Okay? But there are a lot of schools that give full rides to students who excel in music.
Students like yourself.
Maybe if you were able to go to college you wouldn't, say, end up stuck in this town in a dead-end job living hand-to-mouth with a wife and a kid you never intended to have.
That's just something off the top of my head.
You think if I stuck with Glee that I could get a scholarship? It's definitely a possibility.
If you did well at regionals, maybe you could generate some interest.
- But we lost Rachel.
You think we can do it without her? - Sure! Do you think we can win regionals without Rachel? Remember theJamaican bobsled team? Big long-shots.
Definitely.
But if you're concerned about your future and those who may be a part of your future soon maybe you could just give Rachel a talk, see if you can get her to come back.
How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical? It's an honor.
Frankly, one I feel I've earned.
If there's anything I've learned in my 16 years on the stage it's that stars are rare and when they're found you have to let them shine.
Show me your bra.
- You mean, the one I'm wearing? - Quid pro quo, Rachel.
If you want a good review, show me your over-the-shoulder boulder holder.
No way! You can't do that! My performance will stand on its own.
Besides, no one reads the school paper anyway.
Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online.
You'll be finished on the high school stage.
Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.
Sorry I'm late.
My Vespa had a flat.
Give me a minute and I will be ready for my interview.
We're actually not gonna need any quotes from you for the article, Mr.
Ryerson.
Do the right thing.
All the great actresses take their clothes off.
Well, I have no problem with nudity.
Let me tell you about my planned production of Equus.
Have you ever hung out at a stable? Uh-oh.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Uh, nothing! Just getting the star treatment I didn't get in Glee.
- Totally.
- It's times like these I know I've chosen the right path.
I'm never going back to Glee.
It's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble.
- Not gonna get an argument from me.
- I'm not? No.
You're, like, the most talented person I know.
Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chain saws.
I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to run lines with I'm available.
There is a lot of dialogue.
Lfigured we could go somewhere quiet, maybe with low lighting and Let me know.
I could get fired for this.
She was a student 15 years ago.
No one is gonna care.
See? L-I knew it! She never graduated.
She quit with, like, three credits to go.
I, um, saw her picture in the folder.
Pretty.
- Pretty? - Mmm.
April Rhodes was a goddess.
The most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history.
When she sang, it was mesmerizing.
She was my first crush.
I was a freshman, she was a senior.
Wait, hold on 'Cause I thought you said your wife was your first crush.
That's because April didn't even look at me.
Oh, crap.
There's no forwarding address.
So then you've had feelings for someone other than your wife.
I'd love to play This Is Your Life, but Lord Google demands my attention.
Okay, just wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Reaching back into your past is a dangerous business.
Okay? People can change.
They can, um, disappoint you.
- I think I can handle it.
- I thought I could too.
Just hear me out.
A few years ago I started an online flirtation with a high school flame, Andy.
Things got weird, and I called it off.
And two months later Versace was dead.
Dead.
Okay.
April Rhodes, Lima, Ohio.
Oh! She has a MySpace page.
Oh, God.
Oh, and here's a link to her own personal Web site.
She's online.
Hi, April.
Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester.
"35 Bontempo Road, between 2:00 and 3:00.
Bring buffalo wings.
" #Seemed like the real thing only to find # #Much mistrust # #Love gone behind # April.
Hello.
Are you Will? Y-You remember me? Mmm.
No.
But I don't remember breakfast.
Come on in.
#Seemed like the real thing but I was so blind ## Mmm.
So did I sleep with you? L-l-l-I was a freshman when you were a senior.
So, did I sleep with you? No.
Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.
This is a great place you have.
Looks like you're doing well for yourself.
I get five or six appointments on a good day, from my World Wide Web page so I do okay for myself.
Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket and I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.
Uh So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom with wood-burning fireplace and You! This is the third time this week! - Who are you? - I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty.
She is a squatter.
This is a bank-owned property.
The owners foreclosed six months ago.
Let me just get my vino and I'll be out of your hair.
- Hold that.
Just - Oh.
Okay.
Nice place.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
What happened to you, April? In high school you were really going places.
You had a voice like a dream.
Everyone loved you.
Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon.
Me and my high school sweetheart Vinnie were convinced we were going to be stars so we dropped out of school and hitchhiked our way to the Broadway.
We ended up in Cleveland slinging hash at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House.
Then Ralph had an affair with Vinnie.
I had a set of mixed-race twins.
And those were the good times.
April I think your struggle is really moving and I wanna help you get back on your feet.
I happen to know that you're only three credits shy of your diploma.
I can put you in my Spanish class.
And I know you're an amazing singer.
I want you to be in the Glee Club.
We'll get you sobered up, find you some underwear.
It's not too late for you, April.
What do you say? Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special.
This is April Rhodes.
She's our newest member.
Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now? Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
Mr.
Schuester, this seems like a terrible idea.
April is a great singer.
And she never graduated.
We appreciate what you're trying to do, but she's no Rachel.
- Who's Rachel? - Sh-Sh-She's kind of our star.
Your star, eh? - Well, where is she? - She left.
To be the lead in Cabaret.
Hey, Tinkles, gimme "Maybe This Time" in B-flat.
And don't let me catch you snoozin'.
# Maybe this time # # I'll be lucky # # Maybe this time he'll stay # # Maybe this time # # For the first time # # Love won't hurry away # # He will hold me fast # # I'll be home at last # # Not a loser # #Anymore # # Like the last time # #And the time before # # Everybody # # Loves a winner # #So nobody loved me # # Lady Peaceful # # Lady Happy # #That's what I long to be # #All the odds are # #They're in my favor # #Something's bound to begin # # It's gonna happen # Ha-ha! # Happen sometime # # Maybe this time I'll win # #'Cause everybody # #They love a winner # #So nobody loved me # # Lady Peaceful # # Lady Happy # #That's what I long to be # #All the odds are # #They're in my favor # #Something's bound to give in # # It's gonna happen # # Happen sometime # # Maybe this time # # Maybe this time # # I'll # - #W in # - # I'll # #W in # #Win # Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico for the day" would I use "por" or "para"? - April.
- Para.
- Por.
- Oh.
I guess I'd better pour myself another cran-tini.
I'm just kiddin'.
It's hot chocolate.
All right, remember, guys, oral reports Wednesday.
April, can I talk to you for a second? I'm sorry, Will.
The old noodle just ain't what she used to be.
I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the '90s.
Look, April I've been talking to the Glee kids and, um, I think they're still not so sure about having you around.
You draw a lot of attention to yourself and they're embarrassed enough as it is.
So do you think you could maybe take some time and try to win them over? Yeah.
Mmm.
Smells like my aunt Mildred.
Just drink it.
Sweet, with a bit of an afterburny taste.
Oh, good Chablis should always have a little bite.
A few swigs of that every day before school and you'll have all the courage you need to be yourself.
- Really? - Oh, yeah! That's fantastic.
So is my primo collection of vintage muscle magazines.
Want 'em? Mr.
Schuester, I changed my mind.
April should stay.
I worship her.
#You make my dreams come true # Oh, no.
You gotta be more natural.
I c-c-can't do this.
I don't understand why we're doing this in the first place.
Your lack of imagination astounds me.
This is only the beginning.
If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees.
Shoes, prom dresses.
I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candles still lit! - Are you sure? - She can stay.
T-T-Totally.
#You make my dreams come true # #Ooh-ooh ## Don't tickle me! #W hat good is sitting # #Alone in your room # - This is terrible.
- #Come hear the music play # - This is a disaster.
- # Life is # - #A cabaret # - Gonna barf! - #Old chum # - Boring! #Come to the cabaret # No, no, no, no, no! I don't know what you want.
Well, I know what I don't want, and it is all of this.
When I gave you this part I thought you could handle it, but clearly you can't.
What this show needs is a star with a little bit more maturity.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to get me to quit so you can be the star.
Well, it won't work.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll say.
I'm sleeping with him.
So am I.
- This play's weird.
- That's Mr.
Ryerson's favorite line.
You're a really good actor, Finn.
Maybe you should consider joining the musical.
Um, I'm pretty devoted to Glee.
I don't think I could just walk away from it.
I know how hard it was for you.
But I could justify doing both if you came back.
But we both know that's not gonna happen.
- Do you know what we should do? - Elope? - What? - Nothing.
We should go bowling.
You're always so stressed out about the play.
You just need to loosen up.
I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up about a big game or something.
- Just us? - Yeah.
Yeah, th-th-that would be great.
L-I am really stressed out.
But that's the price you pay for being a star.
Don't I know it.
Hey, Rachel.
April Rhodes, Rachel Berry.
Can you give us the room? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'.
" Wait.
She's singing the female lead? Wait.
She's in the Glee Club? She's ancient.
Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.
That's Rachel's part, Mr.
Schue.
Well, Rachel's not in the Glee Club anymore.
Thanks, Finn.
Rachel.
We're all really excited to see the play.
Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.
# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi # #You, you, you, you, you, you, you # Kurt? Hi.
I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
Hey, Em.
Just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday.
I just got back from the emergency room.
Had them give me four decontamination showers.
They call that the full Silkwood.
- What happened? - Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me.
Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake I.
D.
Because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid.
Will, I think it was April.
Her backpack's always clinkin'with empties.
I'm so sorry.
L-I will I'll talk to him.
Okay.
I'm, um I'm a little bit worried about the Glee Club.
So am I.
I mean, if we don't place at regionals, it's all over.
We have obligations as teachers, Will to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment.
With April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze.
April's not finished, Emma and if Glee's gonna win I need to give her a second chance.
She is a talented performer and I really think the kids are gonna learn a lot of valuable technique from her.
Okay.
But I think you need to think about why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.
You suck! Oh.
Rough day at the office, cookie? I just got a lot on my plate.
It's not easy being in the spotlight.
It's the difficult road I've chosen.
Yeah.
I know that song, sister.
Um, do you have any NyQuil? I could use a little pick-me-up.
No.
These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be.
That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
- Finn's taken, April.
- Yeah? Well, some guys like a little somethin' on the side.
I think your behavior is totally inappropriate and your presence in this school is a complete travesty.
What you choose to do with your life is your own business but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
I'm not afraid of you, sweetie.
There was a time when I was the biggest star around here.
And now that I've got that back I'm never lettin' it go.
Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn't there be diseases in there? Oh, no.
Ball sharing is all part of the fun.
Here, use the pink one.
Pink's your favorite color, right? - Now what? - Follow my lead.
Come on.
Okay, so, just look at the pins.
Nice and straight.
You sure this is your first time? #One that won't make me nervous # #Wonderin'what to do # #One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you # - #W hen I'm alone with you ## - Oh-ho-ho! April! - Whoo-hoo! - You see what you can accomplish when you're sober? Sober? I'm rollin' on a fistful of horse tranquilizers.
I can't feel my lips.
Oh! You know I think I'm gonna keep these shoes.
April, I I brought you here because I needed to talk to you.
Okay.
I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the Glee Club.
I can't have you around if you're gonna encourage them to make bad choices.
You're right, Will.
As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.
Really? That's great.
I have to tell you something.
I was in awe of you in high school.
I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life the one I regret the most was never getting the chance to sing with you.
Really? Yeah.
That's how you get better singing with people who are better than you.
You really thought that much of me? April you are the reason I joined Glee Club.
No.
Um so your dream was always to sing with me, huh? Yeah.
Well, then come on.
Come on! Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays.
Tonight's bingo.
- Shut your gravy hole, Barry! - Hey, guys.
Uh, happy gambling.
Here we go.
# I hear the ticking of the clock # # I'm lying here The room's pitch dark # # I wonder where you are tonight # # No answer on the telephone # #And the night goes by so very slow # #Oh, I hope that it won't end though # #Alone # #Till now # # I always got by on my own # # I never really cared until I met you # #And now it chills me to the bone # #How do I get you alone # # How do I get you alone # # How do I get you alone # # How do I get you # - #A lone # - #A lone # - #A lone # - #A lone # This is really good pizza.
Yeah, I think they import the pepperoni from Michigan or something.
How's Glee? Oh, well, everybody misses you.
Mmm, they miss my talent.
No.
No.
We're your friends.
We just miss having you around.
I love Glee.
I just don't see the point in wasting my energies someplace I'm not appreciated.
I appreciate you.
It's your last ball.
Just like the first time.
But better.
#And it feels like love # #But it don't mean a lot # #And it feels like love # Come back to Glee.
- #It's all that we've got # - What about Quinn? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future.
I just wanna spend more time with you now.
I'll have to quit the play.
I'll do it.
#There's a heartbreak beat # #And it feels like love ## Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.
That doesn't explain all the crying.
- M- Maybe shejust doesn't like the group.
- Are you all that stupid? Seriously.
I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates.
Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven.
- Who's the baby's daddy? - Who do you think? Finn.
Yes, you've heard right.
I am returning to Glee Club.
In lieu of flowers please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice.
- This is a hot-damn mess.
- Oh, my God.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm.
Sorry.
Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal.
Quinn's knocked up.
And the baby daddy? Finn.
I just wanted to drop off the application for that scholarship you were telling me about.
I got Rachel to come back to Glee, so I figure we have a real shot at it.
I'm so proud of you.
See what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it? Finn.
You're a liar.
Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant? - Who told you? - Everyone knows but me.
I'm the only fool who let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
But I I do.
Yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying.
Maybe it's not that much different, but But look, l-I need to get a music scholarship so I can go to college so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid.
I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club.
You should take it as a compliment.
You could've just been honest with me.
Look, I know what I did was wrong.
I get that, but that kiss was real.
Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee.
Have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble.
My dreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.
Ms.
Sylvester, we need to talk.
If you'd like me to return to the musical, changes need to be made.
Rachel, I couldn't agree with you more.
When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra I was aroused, then furious.
I hereby grant you complete artistic control.
Congratulations, kiddo.
You now have everything you could possibly want.
Isn't it a great feeling? # Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow, meow, meow # # Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow, meow, meow # The house is packed.
You guys are gonna kick butt tonight.
Your first performance in front of a real audience.
I can't wait! You guys are gonna love it.
W-Where's April? Yee-haw! Right on cue as usual! Hey, roller boy.
Handsome.
Oh, I like that color.
Have you been working on the moves we ta You've got something right on Oh! Honk! - There's my boy! - Are you drunk? - You promised me you'd sober up for this.
- When? Last night? Well, I was drunk.
You can't hold me to that.
Hit it, Knuckles.
April Rhodes almost ran me over in the parking lot just now.
You can't let her go on in her condition.
There is an auditorium full of people waiting to see us perform and if she doesn't go on none of the kids can.
Wow.
It's really great how committed you are to these kids.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome McKinley High School's New Directions! # Last night I got served # #Alittle bit too much # #Of that poison, baby # # Last night I did things # # I'm not proud of and I got a little crazy # #Last night I met a guy # #On the dance floor # #And I let him call me baby # #And I don't even know his last name # #Oh, my mama would be so ashamed # #It started off "Hey, cutie, where are you from?"# #And then it turned into "Oh, no, what have I done?" # #And I don't even know his last name # Whoo! #We left the club # # Right around 3:00 # # In the morning # #His Pinto sitting there # # In the parking lot # #Well, it shoulda been a warning # # I had no clue # #What I was gettin'into # #So I blame it on the Cuervo # #I don't even know # # My last name # #My mama would be so ashamed # #Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah # Whoo! # Don't even know my last name # #Ohh, yeah # I need to talk to you.
Sorry, baby.
Had to tinkle.
Come on.
Act two.
No, I can't let you go back out there.
You broke a promise.
You're right.
It's a great moment for me, but it didn't feel right.
I don't belong up there.
But everybody deserves their moment in the spotlight, you know, to shine.
Oh, I got that standing ovation, Will and it felt amazing like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away.
I was back in the game.
But then I look over and I see these sweet faces of these kids and I think I'm hoggin' their sunshine.
It's their turn now, not yours.
They're so lucky to have you, Will, because you won't let what happened to me ever Happen to any of them.
So, where are you gonna go? I'll, um I'm gonna straighten up.
Maybe try to find a new dream.
I always loved Broadway.
# Broadway # Do you think there's a part out there for a washed-up has-been like me? April, you are not washed-up.
And hey, there's always Branson.
Will, Will, Will.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
No, no, no.
Thank you.
Branson, eh? They loved us! We're a hit! W-W-Where's April? You were right, Mr.
Schue.
She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off.
April is amazing.
But she's not in the Glee Club anymore.
I I, uh I screwed up bringing her here.
It was about me, and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys.
You don't need her to be great.
But we need her for the second act.
I'll just tell them we had to cut the show short.
Hey, guys, you were great! Don't worry.
There will be other performances.
Excuse me.
I think I might have a solution.
In show business, when a star can't perform her understudy steps in.
I'd be happy to go on for April, if you'd let me.
Since when are you willing to be an understudy? - Since I quit the play.
- Really? Why? I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend.
If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself.
I know all the words to the song.
You don't know the choreography.
Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there.
Go get in your costume.
Excuse me.
#Can # #Anybody # # Find me # #Somebody to # # Love # #Ohh-ohh-ohh # # Each morning I get up I die a little # #Can barely stand on my feet # - #T ake a look at yourself # - #T ake a look in the mirror # - #A nd cry # - #A nd cry, Lord, what you doin' to me # - # I spent all my years believin' you # - # Believin' you # # But I just can't get no relief, Lord # #Somebody, ohh, somebody # #Can anybody find me # #Somebody to love # #Anybody # # Find me someone to love # #Got no feel, I got no rhythm # # I just keep losin' my beat # - #Y ou just keep losin'and losin'# - # I'm okay, I'm all right # - #She's all right, she's all right # - # I ain't gonna face no defeat # # I just gotta get out of this prison cell # #Someday I'm gonna be free # # Lord # # Find me somebody to love Find me somebody to love # # Find me somebody to love # # Find me somebody to love # # Find me somebody to love Find me somebody to love # # Find me somebody to love # - #Somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody # - #Ohh, find me # #Somebody find me somebody to love # #Can anybody find me # #Somebody to # # Love # # Find me # #Somebody to love # - #Somebody find me # - # Find me # - #Somebody find me # - # Find me somebody to love # - # Find me somebody # - #Somebody to love # - #Somebody # - # Find me # - #Somebody # - #Somebody to # #To love #