Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
I Can Smell That Cheap Clone From Here
1 Easter, Easter, Easter I made you out of Christmas and when you're dry and ready oh, Easter you will be! [Crunches.]
[Curses.]
I need another fetal bird corpse! Golan, quit wasting eggs! And, Dylan, why are yours all red? [Dramatically.]
I'm painting them with your blood! Virgin blood! Virgin? I knew Keith couldn't close the deal.
[Mutters.]
Oh yes, hold on.
"Dear Keith, you have no penis.
Love Golan.
Smiley face.
" [Laughs.]
Seriously, what's the point of this strange chicken fertility festival? Easter is when we celebrate our lord Jesus Christ coming back to life after he was dead for three days.
Otherwise known as a miracle.
You worship this mop-top heartthrob? Yeah, duh! Everyone worships him, except the Rosenbaums.
Well, if rising from the dead is all it takes to impress you rubes, then I will die and come back to life after only two days! And then I will have way more acolytes than you, my bearded Nemesis.
- # Golan # - Oh! # Golan # [Laughs.]
# Golan # [Screaming.]
Huh? [Grunts.]
[Screams.]
# Golan, Golan # [Roars, growls.]
# Golan, Golan, Golan # [Beeps.]
Golan.
1x05 - I Can Smell That Cheap Clone From Here Behold the death potion, m'lord.
So this stuff is going to kill you, huh? Ah! Merely a temporary death.
Then you'll drag my body to church on Easter Sunday where I will wake up quite alive, totally out-miracle-ing Jesus.
Kanpai! Oh yes, I can feel it working! I'm going to uh-oh.
[Stomach rumbling.]
- What's happening? - Wait a minute.
- Are you dead yet? - Incoming outcoming! Oooooooh! Ow! [Groans.]
Ow, my butts! Dylan, do you mind explaining to me why that supposed resurrection elixir just made me poop out this giant cocoon? Oh whoops.
These pages were stuck together with somebody's bunny chocolate! Carole: Golan! Oh God, Carole, what?! This gentleman says you leveled his yogurt prince on one of your rampages.
Yes, thank you, Carole.
I know what I did yesterday.
Golan, get down here and say you're sorry.
Me? Apologize? Like I'm sorry I did it? [Both laugh.]
Golan never apologizes! All right.
Let's hide in the tree fort till he leaves.
[Rumbling.]
[Zapping.]
Huh! Whoa.
So many new sensations! Is this what it feels like to be alive? Golan the Insatiable.
You should be at the yogurt prince searching for survivors.
Oh, okay.
[Gasps.]
[Crashes.]
He's back to finish the job! No! [Screams.]
Why did that nice lady run from me? - Because you did all this.
- I did? Oh no! But that's not nice.
- Why would I do that? - Because that's what you do.
You maim, you destroy.
I can't even count how many lives you've ruined because you ripped off all my fingers.
I'm a monster! Now you're gettin' it! Aw.
Well then, from this day forward, I will be a monster no more! Welcome back to "you betcha, Oak Grove.
" In a shocking turn of events, local monster Golan the Insatiable has turned over a new leaf? What the hell is she talking about? Normally Golan's a big butthole, but today he helped me set up for the Easter egg hunt.
He's been doing all sorts of good deeds and stuff.
Hi Keith! I just want to undo all the destruction and pain I've apparently caused this lovely town.
Citizens of Oak Grove, I'm sorry for your many many losses.
Whoa, who the hell is that handsome nimrod? [Gasps.]
Golan, the cocoon! That copycat must have come out of there and he's undoing your legacy of terror.
Well, then it is time for this fraud to meet his maker my butt! DoppelGolan: "Nighty-night, kittens.
" And then there's a picture of some kittens.
"Nighty-night mittens.
" And then there's a picture of some mittens.
"Nighty-night" [Roars.]
Hey, how dare you read to these kids.
I took their sight specifically so they couldn't enjoy the magic of reading.
P.
S.
, sunglasses indoors? Real cool, dorks.
Uh, for you blind folks, there are now two Golans here.
- Hi, I'm Golan.
- No, you're not.
I am! You just came out of me.
Ah, gee-whiz, it's so nice to finally meet you - Dad.
Yeah, settle down, you were an accident.
Ooo-oooh.
Enough talk.
Crush this fraud, Golan! No no no, please don't hurt him.
This new Golan is so nice! You actually like this jackass? Well yeah, I mean, everyone likes him.
- He's the best! - He read us a book.
He makes it okay to live in darkness.
Well, if you idiots worship this hunky beast just 'cause he's nice, then I will show you that no one can be nicer than Golan the Insatiable the original.
[Maniacal laughter.]
Ha ha ha! - Let's go, Dylan! - Wait, nice? You're the opposite of nice.
Shut up, I already did my laugh.
Golan away! And you'd better not fix this door frame.
'Cause I'm coming back to fix it later 'cause that's how nice I am.
Convert now and Golan won't torture you as bad as he was gonna! Hold on, Dylan, I've got an idea.
Eh, better.
- People like pie, right? - Ugh, Golan, being nice isn't us.
It goes against everything we believe in.
You're diluting the brand.
Silence, idiot.
We're nice now.
Oh! Hey, Alexis, bear witness to my staggering niceness.
I used a spell to turn the juice boxes into wine.
[Slurring.]
Dude, come on.
I'm totally okay to drive.
[Honks, crashes.]
Man: You're on the wrong side of the road, you lousy drunk kid! Golan, you're ruining Easter! Listen, Golan, I love what you're trying to do here.
But instead of being nice to get people to like you, you should be nice because it's the right thing to do.
Whoa.
Teach me your ways, child of my poop.
Why don't you let me buy you a drink and I'll help you navigate these uncharted waters - on this ocean of kindness? - Dylan! Popular Golan's going to teach us how to be nice.
I thought I was working for the crusher of wills! - You've changed! - Shut up.
Have not.
The glorious nightmare is over.
- I quit! - What!? Nobody quits Golan the Insatiable! Screw you, Golan.
Pfft! You know what? Good! Because you suck and you're ugly and your ears are too big for your dumb ugly face! - And, uh what? - That was a little harsh.
Well, I guess I could have said that nicer, but she needed to know.
[Golan slurring.]
Okay, I think I finally mastered this nice thing.
Here's what we'll do: We'll get out the phone book and then we'll dial up everyone in town.
Boop boop boop boop.
And they'll be like "hello?" And then I'll be like "hey, I like your pants!" And they'll be like "oh my God, thanks!" And then they'll walk around all day feeling super great about how their pants look.
Hey, here's another round on the house.
Awww, thanks, Al.
Tell Marci and the twins I say hi.
Hey, you got it! All right, we can drop the act.
- Wait, wha? - I gotta level with you: I hate all these morons.
They make me sick.
- Really? - Humans are vermin.
They smell foul, look foul.
They dip everything in ranch dressing! Oh my God! I know, right? But if I just pretend to be nice, they love me for it! Idiots! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Whoa, you're actually super evil.
What an emotional roller coaster this has been.
Cast your eyes upon this, brother-father! [Glass shatters.]
Once we've got all of Oak Grove engaged in Golan-worship, we'll expand our efforts and conquer all of Minnesota.
And you know the old truism: As goes Minnesota, so goes the entire Earth! - I'm in! - Both: Ha ha ha ha! Ah, it's really amazing how quickly you figured out this planet.
You are the real deal.
- So what do we do first? - Well, step one is showing the town that you've changed.
Ooh cool.
So we go with my pants idea? Actually, you were incredibly mean to your acolyte Dylan in front of everyone earlier, so you're going to have to apologize to her publicly.
- What?! - You know, just like an "I'm sorry" or "my bad," boilerplate apology.
Apologize? Like I'm sorry I did it? Trust me.
After this one simple act of kindness towards a little girl, we will rule the world with our identical iron fists.
Well, what if instead of apologizing, I just tuck and roll? What is this tuck and roll you speak of? I'll show you.
[Grunting.]
I still don't get it.
[Trailing off.]
Oh, that's what you meant [Explodes.]
Ha ha ha ha ha! - Dylan! - Huh, which one are you, nice Golan or nice Golan? Neither.
It's me, drunk Golan.
I killed that do-gooder.
Really? Thank God, he was so annoying! But not before we had a real important talk.
He made some good points about you and me, and well, I've realized an apology's in order.
So go ahead.
- Wha? - Oh God! Just apologize to me for quitting already so I can throw up and pass out.
Oh right.
I'm so so sorry, m'lord.
See? Was that so [Snoring.]
Good night, Golan! [Screaming.]
[Curses.]
I need another fetal bird corpse! Golan, quit wasting eggs! And, Dylan, why are yours all red? [Dramatically.]
I'm painting them with your blood! Virgin blood! Virgin? I knew Keith couldn't close the deal.
[Mutters.]
Oh yes, hold on.
"Dear Keith, you have no penis.
Love Golan.
Smiley face.
" [Laughs.]
Seriously, what's the point of this strange chicken fertility festival? Easter is when we celebrate our lord Jesus Christ coming back to life after he was dead for three days.
Otherwise known as a miracle.
You worship this mop-top heartthrob? Yeah, duh! Everyone worships him, except the Rosenbaums.
Well, if rising from the dead is all it takes to impress you rubes, then I will die and come back to life after only two days! And then I will have way more acolytes than you, my bearded Nemesis.
- # Golan # - Oh! # Golan # [Laughs.]
# Golan # [Screaming.]
Huh? [Grunts.]
[Screams.]
# Golan, Golan # [Roars, growls.]
# Golan, Golan, Golan # [Beeps.]
Golan.
1x05 - I Can Smell That Cheap Clone From Here Behold the death potion, m'lord.
So this stuff is going to kill you, huh? Ah! Merely a temporary death.
Then you'll drag my body to church on Easter Sunday where I will wake up quite alive, totally out-miracle-ing Jesus.
Kanpai! Oh yes, I can feel it working! I'm going to uh-oh.
[Stomach rumbling.]
- What's happening? - Wait a minute.
- Are you dead yet? - Incoming outcoming! Oooooooh! Ow! [Groans.]
Ow, my butts! Dylan, do you mind explaining to me why that supposed resurrection elixir just made me poop out this giant cocoon? Oh whoops.
These pages were stuck together with somebody's bunny chocolate! Carole: Golan! Oh God, Carole, what?! This gentleman says you leveled his yogurt prince on one of your rampages.
Yes, thank you, Carole.
I know what I did yesterday.
Golan, get down here and say you're sorry.
Me? Apologize? Like I'm sorry I did it? [Both laugh.]
Golan never apologizes! All right.
Let's hide in the tree fort till he leaves.
[Rumbling.]
[Zapping.]
Huh! Whoa.
So many new sensations! Is this what it feels like to be alive? Golan the Insatiable.
You should be at the yogurt prince searching for survivors.
Oh, okay.
[Gasps.]
[Crashes.]
He's back to finish the job! No! [Screams.]
Why did that nice lady run from me? - Because you did all this.
- I did? Oh no! But that's not nice.
- Why would I do that? - Because that's what you do.
You maim, you destroy.
I can't even count how many lives you've ruined because you ripped off all my fingers.
I'm a monster! Now you're gettin' it! Aw.
Well then, from this day forward, I will be a monster no more! Welcome back to "you betcha, Oak Grove.
" In a shocking turn of events, local monster Golan the Insatiable has turned over a new leaf? What the hell is she talking about? Normally Golan's a big butthole, but today he helped me set up for the Easter egg hunt.
He's been doing all sorts of good deeds and stuff.
Hi Keith! I just want to undo all the destruction and pain I've apparently caused this lovely town.
Citizens of Oak Grove, I'm sorry for your many many losses.
Whoa, who the hell is that handsome nimrod? [Gasps.]
Golan, the cocoon! That copycat must have come out of there and he's undoing your legacy of terror.
Well, then it is time for this fraud to meet his maker my butt! DoppelGolan: "Nighty-night, kittens.
" And then there's a picture of some kittens.
"Nighty-night mittens.
" And then there's a picture of some mittens.
"Nighty-night" [Roars.]
Hey, how dare you read to these kids.
I took their sight specifically so they couldn't enjoy the magic of reading.
P.
S.
, sunglasses indoors? Real cool, dorks.
Uh, for you blind folks, there are now two Golans here.
- Hi, I'm Golan.
- No, you're not.
I am! You just came out of me.
Ah, gee-whiz, it's so nice to finally meet you - Dad.
Yeah, settle down, you were an accident.
Ooo-oooh.
Enough talk.
Crush this fraud, Golan! No no no, please don't hurt him.
This new Golan is so nice! You actually like this jackass? Well yeah, I mean, everyone likes him.
- He's the best! - He read us a book.
He makes it okay to live in darkness.
Well, if you idiots worship this hunky beast just 'cause he's nice, then I will show you that no one can be nicer than Golan the Insatiable the original.
[Maniacal laughter.]
Ha ha ha! - Let's go, Dylan! - Wait, nice? You're the opposite of nice.
Shut up, I already did my laugh.
Golan away! And you'd better not fix this door frame.
'Cause I'm coming back to fix it later 'cause that's how nice I am.
Convert now and Golan won't torture you as bad as he was gonna! Hold on, Dylan, I've got an idea.
Eh, better.
- People like pie, right? - Ugh, Golan, being nice isn't us.
It goes against everything we believe in.
You're diluting the brand.
Silence, idiot.
We're nice now.
Oh! Hey, Alexis, bear witness to my staggering niceness.
I used a spell to turn the juice boxes into wine.
[Slurring.]
Dude, come on.
I'm totally okay to drive.
[Honks, crashes.]
Man: You're on the wrong side of the road, you lousy drunk kid! Golan, you're ruining Easter! Listen, Golan, I love what you're trying to do here.
But instead of being nice to get people to like you, you should be nice because it's the right thing to do.
Whoa.
Teach me your ways, child of my poop.
Why don't you let me buy you a drink and I'll help you navigate these uncharted waters - on this ocean of kindness? - Dylan! Popular Golan's going to teach us how to be nice.
I thought I was working for the crusher of wills! - You've changed! - Shut up.
Have not.
The glorious nightmare is over.
- I quit! - What!? Nobody quits Golan the Insatiable! Screw you, Golan.
Pfft! You know what? Good! Because you suck and you're ugly and your ears are too big for your dumb ugly face! - And, uh what? - That was a little harsh.
Well, I guess I could have said that nicer, but she needed to know.
[Golan slurring.]
Okay, I think I finally mastered this nice thing.
Here's what we'll do: We'll get out the phone book and then we'll dial up everyone in town.
Boop boop boop boop.
And they'll be like "hello?" And then I'll be like "hey, I like your pants!" And they'll be like "oh my God, thanks!" And then they'll walk around all day feeling super great about how their pants look.
Hey, here's another round on the house.
Awww, thanks, Al.
Tell Marci and the twins I say hi.
Hey, you got it! All right, we can drop the act.
- Wait, wha? - I gotta level with you: I hate all these morons.
They make me sick.
- Really? - Humans are vermin.
They smell foul, look foul.
They dip everything in ranch dressing! Oh my God! I know, right? But if I just pretend to be nice, they love me for it! Idiots! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Whoa, you're actually super evil.
What an emotional roller coaster this has been.
Cast your eyes upon this, brother-father! [Glass shatters.]
Once we've got all of Oak Grove engaged in Golan-worship, we'll expand our efforts and conquer all of Minnesota.
And you know the old truism: As goes Minnesota, so goes the entire Earth! - I'm in! - Both: Ha ha ha ha! Ah, it's really amazing how quickly you figured out this planet.
You are the real deal.
- So what do we do first? - Well, step one is showing the town that you've changed.
Ooh cool.
So we go with my pants idea? Actually, you were incredibly mean to your acolyte Dylan in front of everyone earlier, so you're going to have to apologize to her publicly.
- What?! - You know, just like an "I'm sorry" or "my bad," boilerplate apology.
Apologize? Like I'm sorry I did it? Trust me.
After this one simple act of kindness towards a little girl, we will rule the world with our identical iron fists.
Well, what if instead of apologizing, I just tuck and roll? What is this tuck and roll you speak of? I'll show you.
[Grunting.]
I still don't get it.
[Trailing off.]
Oh, that's what you meant [Explodes.]
Ha ha ha ha ha! - Dylan! - Huh, which one are you, nice Golan or nice Golan? Neither.
It's me, drunk Golan.
I killed that do-gooder.
Really? Thank God, he was so annoying! But not before we had a real important talk.
He made some good points about you and me, and well, I've realized an apology's in order.
So go ahead.
- Wha? - Oh God! Just apologize to me for quitting already so I can throw up and pass out.
Oh right.
I'm so so sorry, m'lord.
See? Was that so [Snoring.]
Good night, Golan! [Screaming.]