Grand Crew (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1 It's like ten apples on a hot-air balloon! What are y'all laughing at? What's ten apples on a hot-air balloon? It's kind of hard to explain.
I mean, the conversation started a while ago, and it just built up to that.
Okay, okay, well, catch me up.
It would take too long, and honestly, you wouldn't get it at this point.
- Oh, come on, please.
- I hate missing out.
Tell me about ten apples on a hot-air balloon.
Okay, fine, but this is pointless because you're not gonna find it funny.
Yesterday I went and got coffee from Blue Bottle.
And then I said, "There's no point in owning two microwaves.
" Now, keep in mind that Benjamin Harrison was the 23rd president of the United States.
- Carlos Santana.
- Climate change.
- Three mangoes.
- Seven strawberries.
"Hairspray" the musical.
- Susan Sarandon.
- Bubba Gump's.
Which is why it's like ten apples on a hot-air balloon.
Yeah, you're right, I don't get it.
I guess I had to be there.
All right, I'll see y'all later.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, I have some very exciting news.
Okay, guess what celebrity is looking for a house and wants to meet with me? - Jada Pinkett's husband? - Beyoncé's husband? Amal Clooney's husband? Okay, these are very progressive guesses, but no, none of those husbands.
Rap SayJack.
I am meeting with Rap SayJack! - Yes! - Say what? - Damn! - Okay! So this is a rapper named Rap? You don't know who Rap SayJack is, bro? The man is an inspiration.
He's right up there with LeBron James, Michelle Obama, Jeff Goldblum.
Goldblum is great.
You know he's also a talented jazz musician.
Of course I do.
You think I don't know my 'Blum facts? Nicky, my friend, I'd like to buy you a drink.
- Wait, buy me a drink? - What's this about? Oh, I just want to celebrate your new opportunity.
Not every nice thing comes with caveats.
You gotta let me meet SayJack.
Damn it, you said no caveats.
I said, "Not every nice thing comes with caveats.
" This does.
Let's make it a Shmicky adventure like we used to in high school.
Sherm and Nicky together again.
You remember that one time when we played hooky because we heard Shaq was gonna be at the Crenshaw Mall? Yeah, and we followed him around all day saying "Can you dig it?" Yeah, man, ooh, that was fun.
See? So what do you say, Shmicky? Oh, I'd love to get all Shmicky with it, but it's my job, and this isn't high school, and I can't bring a friend to a client meeting.
Okay, so what if I wasn't just a friend? What if I was your assistant? Hmm, having an assistant would make me look more professional.
So is this a yes to my request? Yes, you're hired.
Fantastic.
Thank you so much.
So I know we only been on a few dates, but I feel like things are going really well.
Yeah, I'd say so.
We just watched five hours of "Mad Money with Jim Cramer.
" You might be my dream girl.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way, 'cause my dad's coming to town tomorrow, and he'd like to meet you if you're down.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah yeah, sure.
Sure, I'm down.
Dads love me.
You know, I'm an accountant, and my handshake is crazy firm.
Yeah.
Uhm.
But I didn't tell him everything about you.
He doesn't know that you're vegan.
Okay.
That's not really a big deal nowadays, right? Well, not for me.
But you know I'm from the South, and let's just say he's very traditionally Southern.
- Also, he's kind of a grill master.
- Wait, kind of a grill master? Five-time champion and owns a barbecue restaurant.
Oh, damn! He's gonna hate me.
No, no, he's gonna love you.
Maybe we just don't talk about food.
Okay, cool, I'll try not to bring up food around your dad, who cooks for a living.
Sounds easy enough.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You guys need another round? On, no, first I need a round of Noah's dating life.
See, as the married guy, hearing their adventures is the best part of my week.
Really? 'Cause their dating lives seem pretty predictable.
I mean, Noah falls in love too fast, and Anthony makes love to his calculator.
I think I'm good.
Her loss.
All right, Noah, dish.
Okay, so the date started out awful.
We should try that new sushi spot downtown called Q.
I love sushi.
Ugh, I hate sushi.
It's too cold.
But then - Oh! - We got rear-ended.
Wait, you got in a car accident? Oh, look, who's back and fully invested now.
- I'm not fully invested.
- I'm merely day trading.
So what happened next? Well, that's the crazy part.
After the accident, things definitely took a turn.
- Ow! - That was intense! - Oh.
- Oh, my God, my heart's pounding.
Mine too.
I'm sorry I hit you Oh, damn.
Y'all about to get nasty.
And ever since then, we've been getting along great.
I've seen this kind of thing before.
It's called a trauma bond.
My uncle met his wife on a plane full of deadly snakes.
Like the movie "Snakes on a Plane"? I've never seen that film, and I'm not familiar with the plot, but they survived, and they're deeply in love.
Hello.
Ms.
Coleman, you have a call on line one.
It's me, your new assistant, Sherman.
It was actually very disorienting talking to you on the phone as you entered the room, but I am loving this energy.
SayJack will be here any minute.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I am here, and I am prepared to be professional.
Okay.
- Nicky Coleman? - Oh, snap, it's Rap SayJack! So much drip, I might turn into a puddle I like to be the small spoon every time I cuddle Oh, come on in! Get in here, dog! Hold this.
Oh, man, that's crazy.
Spoke too soon about the energy.
Hi, I'm Nicky.
This is my assistant, Sherman.
I am so sorry about whatever this was.
All good, that's love.
Let's talk some business.
Oh, fo' sho.
Yo, man, I just gotta say I loved your latest album, "SayJack in the Box.
" And you were lyrically unstoppable on "SayJack-Hammer.
" I love how vulnerable you got on "SayJack and Jill.
" Then there's the mixtapes.
So I just got off the phone with SayJack, and he wants me to be his realtor! - Hey! - Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
But I can't fully celebrate until he buys.
But I am showing him some really great homes tomorrow.
Excuse me, don't you mean we are showing him some really great homes tomorrow? You and your assistant, Sherman? Hey, let me buy you a drink.
What you want to buy me a drink for? Just to thank you for helping me with SayJack.
Oh, okay, I was worried this was one of those classic caveat situations.
You're not showing any houses to SayJack.
Damn! I knew there was a caveat.
- Why, Nicky? - Because I can't trust you, not after how you acted during that meeting.
What? How I acted? I just loosened his goose and helped him get on board.
- I know how to do my job.
- I loosen gooses for a living.
Getting him to agree to see houses is nothing.
Okay, so put me to work for real.
I could roll your calls.
Do you even know what that means? No, but I know it's a term, and that's a good first step.
Come on, Nicky, please! Hmm, okay, fine, but only because I can use the help.
And speaking of rolling calls You got so much to do, you can't answer your own phone? No, I have so much to do, I can't answer my third phone.
But still, that one is for active offers, so if it rings, it is important, and just notify me.
Okay, that's not hard.
The real hard work starts tomorrow.
Showing the houses? No, preparing the houses.
Dust.
Dust harder! Sweep.
Sweep harder! Scrub softer.
It's an antique couch, come on.
Work! Work! Work! Ah, put in a lot of hard work, and we're done Oh, thank God.
With the first room in the house.
[BLEEP.]
.
Oh, my gosh, I like that.
I knew you would.
And it's thicker than I thought.
Yeah.
I could get used to this.
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
Let me put you on this plant life.
Baby girl, open up, it's me.
Oh, no, it's my dad.
He wasn't supposed to be here till later.
- Mason? - Should we get rid of this food? Yep.
One sec, Dad! Mm, mm.
Hey, Daddy.
Sorry about that.
We were just moving my couch.
Yeah, it used to be right there, and then we tried moving it right there, and then we were like, "No, it's better right there.
" It looks like you picked the right spot.
You must be Anthony.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
Mm, now, that's a handshake.
And he's an accountant? - I like it.
- Thank you, sir.
What is that smell? Were you all cooking something up in here? - No.
- What you got in the bag over here? Come on.
Now, let me see this bag.
Veggie Grill? What is this? We were eating veggie burgers.
Uhm.
Dad, Anthony is a vegan.
- Vegan? - Oh, that's good.
- It really is.
- No, it's not.
Her dad definitely doesn't like me and is insisting we go to dinner.
I'm gonna get grilled by the grill master.
- Oh, no, sorry.
- I meant the story's good.
You're definitely screwed.
- Yeah, good luck with that.
- Noah, you're up.
How's trauma girl? I mean, we still don't have a ton in common, but the accident seems to be the only spark we need.
Mmm, I love whiskey.
Whiskey makes me sick.
Oh.
I think I'm still a little sore from the accident.
- You know what? I am too.
- Can I let me rub that for you.
Let me rub that for you.
- Mm, oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh! Ah! We ended up getting kicked out of the restaurant.
It was dope.
So you had dinner, but you took the sex to go.
Nice.
Wow, all these houses were fresh, especially this last one.
Right? You could very comfortably have sex in every room of this house, even the pantry.
Word.
That's really important to me.
I could tell.
Listen, the market moves pretty quick, so if you're feeling it, we should jump in on this.
I hear that.
But I'ma think on it.
Yo, check it out, though.
I'm having a little thing-thing tonight, if y'all trying to kick it at a mansion party.
- Oh, sorry - Oh, hell yeah, we are in, man! I'm sorry.
My assistant seems to be confused about the calendar.
I think he means our schedule is very tight with work.
I've actually never seen your calendar this clear before.
You're free for, like, the next month or two.
- Ha-ha.
Excuse us.
- Hey, cool.
I'm just gonna watch this YouTube juggling compilation.
Oh, yeah, juggle, juggle.
I love 'em.
- What are you doing, Sherm? - What are you doing? SayJack just invited us to a party.
I don't have time to chill.
I have other clients to check in on and deals to review.
I do not have time to waste with a buyer who may or may not be serious.
Trust me, just give him some time.
You said it yourself, this could be your biggest client.
He's gonna tell all his fancy friends about you, and the next thing you know, you're on a private island sipping chamomile tea with Rihanna.
I've always wanted to sip tea with Bad Girl Riri.
And you deserve to sip tea with Bad Girl Riri.
Let's close this deal.
Are you sure this isn't just about you trying to spend more time with your hero? No, this is about getting you a sale.
- Fine.
- Yes! SayJack, my guy, we are in.
Let's party, fool.
Oh! And by party, I mean conduct business in a socially dynamic environment.
I have other offers, Bob.
Don't [BLEEP.]
me on this.
Call me back in five, or I'll give you hell, okay? Okay, thanks.
Bye! Nicky, put the phones down.
You're killing the vibe.
I'm not here for vibes.
I'm here to work, unlike you.
I am working.
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo I am only here to party! That is a sales strategy.
Taking shots of the Goose keep the goose loose, baby.
Oh, ow, there he is.
Hey, guys, thanks for coming, y'all.
This is my guy Cedric.
Hey, what's goody? Y'all artists too? Actually, this is my realtor, Nicky, and her assistant, Sherm.
- Oh, I heard of y'all.
- Loved your latest album.
Can't wait to hear what drops next.
- Peace.
- Oh.
Cedric seems nice.
Where do you know him from? I don't.
I met him, like, five minutes ago.
I called him Cedric, and he never corrected me.
I actually don't know anyone here, really.
- Ain't this your party? - The label puts it on.
The truth is, the bigger I get, the harder it is to keep the real ones around.
Well, speaking of real, the houses you saw today are going to sell before you know it.
- So any more thoughts? - Uhm.
- Not yet.
- Okay.
Have you had any more thoughts about taking another shot? Oh, yes, bro! Whoa, what's all this? You'll share more details if you have a solid buzz going.
- Drink up.
- That's a great idea.
But wait.
- What are you doing? - Kristen is fully invested now too.
It's easier to record a voice memo than retell her everything.
Hey, Kristen, okay, so things took a bit of a dip when I invited her back to my place.
I've been reading more Malcolm Gladwell lately.
Great.
Ah, you lost the trauma bond.
- So you guys are through? - It seemed like we were gonna be, but then there was another spark.
Well, actually, it was a Fire! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh! - Ah! - Oh, my God, that was crazy! So crazy, so crazy.
- That sounds hot.
- And hot.
Fire pun, nice.
No, stop high-fiving my trauma.
What are we gonna do when - The fire dies? - Nice.
This is really getting dangerous.
We have nothing in common.
I think I need to end it.
And when you do, we'll be right here.
Mm-hmm.
That's Noah's update, baby.
I'll see you at home.
And don't start "Top Chef Junior" without me, okay? Bye.
- Bye, Kristen.
- See ya, Kristen.
So, - why you vegan? - Dad.
What? I'm just curious.
No, no, no, it's okay.
My dad had some heart issues, so I became vegan in solidarity.
It started out as just a health thing and sort of became a lifestyle thing.
Good, good.
So what y'all eating over there? It's a buffalo chicken pizza.
It's cashew cheese, and the chicken is tofu.
It really is good, Daddy.
Oh, so you tried some? I've tried a lot of new things since I met Anthony.
But not too many things.
Just the right amount of things, sir.
Speaking of trying things, this brisket is some grade A brisket right here.
Why don't you try some, son? - Dad.
- What? It's very tender.
You'll like it.
It looks good.
But no, thank you.
Come on, just a sliver.
I can't, sir.
- Okay, how about some water? - Can you drink some water? Oh, no, animals swim in it.
Hell, this country's going right down the tubes.
Your generation is taking things right down the tubes, child.
Daddy, please don't do this.
You're the one doing it, Mason.
What the hell has happened to you? Is this the life you want? Damn! Nicky, you're never gonna believe it.
SayJack just invited me back to the studio to watch him record.
How is watching him record gonna help us sell him a house? I don't know.
But you gotta let me go.
This is a dream.
He's an inspiration.
He's like LeBron - Michelle, Goldblum, I get it.
- Yeah, I do.
So just go.
Just give me back my phone.
What? Why would I have your phone? The phone I gave you for work.
Oh, that phone.
I may have left that phone back at the office.
I gave you one job, Sherm.
And it was literally to hold a thing.
I'm sorry, but this fit was too tight.
An extra phone would've created an unsightly bulge in my pocket.
Okay, I'm gonna go back to the office.
I probably missed out on other offers.
Oh, come on! Those offers will pale in comparison to SayJack.
I'm not even convinced that SayJack is a serious buyer.
We have made no progress with him tonight, none.
- Well, maybe that's on you.
- What? Look, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you have been all work since we got here.
It's a real vibe killer.
Okay, enough of this vibe crap.
My vibe is hard work, but you probably wouldn't recognize that.
And what is that supposed to mean? You're smart, Sherm, but you haven't worked hard a day in your whole life.
You haven't changed since high school.
Oh, it's like that, huh? Yeah, yeah, it's like that.
So you guys trying to come to the studio or what? No, I gotta head back to the office for a work thing.
But you know what? Sherm can go with you because Sherm is fired.
Actually, no, I can go because I quit.
- He can go 'cause he's fired.
- No, I can go Yo, I don't really need to know the specifics.
- Okay, let's go.
I quit.
- Fired.
- Quit! - Fired! - Quit! - Little bitch.
Whoo, whoo Shee, shee, shee Still haven't found my groove yet.
What about something like Pang-pang-pang Yo, that's tight.
I'ma try that.
Oh, man, you in the market for a house and a boat? Big things, king.
A boat, maybe.
A house, nah.
The label rents me houses all over.
So every now and again, I hook up with a realtor to see what type of crib I should rent next.
So you were never gonna buy from Nicky? No, bro! Why do you care, though? She fired you, and you quit.
Right.
- Well.
- Drop that beat.
Pang-pang-pang, pang We need to talk.
Uh-oh, those are breakup words.
I feel like our shared trauma is one of the only things we have in common.
Honestly, I've been thinking the same thing.
I just didn't want to admit it.
I guess we're no Darius and Nina.
Darius and Nina? From "Love Jones"? It's, like, one of my favorite films.
Wait, you love rom-coms? Hey, so do I.
How did this never come up before? I guess I was embarrassed.
My friends normally judge me for liking them.
Mine too.
Friends are the worst.
Rom-coms are the best.
They really are.
I love romance.
I love that you love romance.
Wow, you found your deeper connection.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, she was allergic to almonds, and they were all over her croissant.
Oh, my God, did she die? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Our relationship did.
Where's your EpiPen? You saved my life.
Or did you just save mine? She broke up with me right on the spot.
And you're okay.
Usually after a dating mishap like this, you'd be at home staring out of your window, singing "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal.
You know what? I am okay.
I mean, would it have been dope to date someone who is as much into rom-coms as I am? Yeah.
- Okay, this part's boring.
- Save it for your therapist.
Anthony, what's up? Well, I broke things off with Mason, and it didn't go well.
It's only been a handful of dates.
This is all just too much too soon, Mason.
So my daddy was right.
All you vegroes are the same.
"Vegroes"? Anthony, I gotta say, that was another satisfying installment of young Black romance theater.
I am so glad I am married and not in the scene anymore.
Right, it's so much more enjoyable from the outside.
Wait, you're not on the outside.
You're single now, aren't you? Oh, no, you're right, I am.
Ha! Welcome to hell.
See you at the bottom.
Ms.
Coleman, I got your favorite breakfast.
Overnight oats and an iced coffee.
I have never had that breakfast in my whole life.
Damn, I'm really not good at this job, huh? Well, there's definite room for improvement.
What are you doing here? Well, I was hoping I could get a fake exit interview for my fake job.
Okay, question one, why aren't you with your new best friend, Rap SayJack? Well, let's just say that me and him got into a bit of a verbal altercation of sorts.
Pang-pang-pang, pang-pang-pang-pang So there was really no chance that you were gonna buy a house? No, not at all.
- Not even a little bit? - Not even a little bit.
Man, you trippin', bro.
Man, what you say? Nicky was out here working hard, and you was just out here playing around, not giving her the respect she was due.
That's messed up.
Snap, I just realized I was doing the same thing too.
I don't give a damn about your epiphany.
Oh, you gon' hear my epiphany! But I don't want to hear none of this! I'm gonna keep telling you all of this, Rap SayJack! Are you okay? It must suck to have beef with SayJack.
You were his biggest fan.
It sucked worse having beef with you.
I was so excited about SayJack that I really did start to treat this like we were back in high school.
Yeah, you were being extra Shmicky.
I shmefinitely was.
But seeing you doing your professional thing for the first time made me realize that you are the real inspiration.
So I'm up there with LeBron, Michelle, and Jeff Goldblum? They're up there with you.
Aw! Hey, look, all that stuff I said is just because I know how much potential you have.
Thanks, Nicky.
But you have zero potential as an assistant.
Ugh.
Ugh! What is in that coffee? Cream and a fruit snack I accidentally dropped in there.
Sherm, Sherm, Sherm, Sherm, Sherm, Sherm.
I looked into SayJack's music, and the first song I came across was - interesting.
- What do you mean? Well, it's a new song.
But maybe I should just play it.
I don't give a [BLEEP.]
about a Sherm, boy Pang-pang-pang, Sherm, boy Pang, you a worm, boy, pang-pang-pang You so stupid, when you gonna learn, boy Pang, pang, pang, pang, pang, pang, pang, pang Whoo, whoo, pang-pang-pang-pang Pang-pang-pang-pang Pang-pang-pang-pang Pang-pang-pang-pang SayJack made a diss track about me! That's so tight, ah! - I'm a worm, boy - Pang-pang-pang - Worm, boy - Pang-pang-pang - I'm a worm, boy - Pang-pang-pang I'm a worm, boy