Grandma's House (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Look who's here.
Hello.
What a wonderful surprise! How are you? What've you brought that for? It's for Grandpa.
Please stop buying him things.
It's a gym ball.
Huh? Keep you healthy, bendy.
Where can I take it back to? You're not taking it back.
Just keep this one thing.
For me.
All right, but don't open it.
I've opened it.
OK.
Why do you look so weird? I don't.
This is content.
Doesn't he know we're going out? Should I leave? Do you want me to leave? No, sit.
Before we go, I've got to get Daddy his prescription.
Where are you going? Isn't it obvious? Is it somewhere in the present? Oh, are you having a "Before" picture taken? We're having a pre-wedding girls' day at a spa.
Oh, yeah? Massage is really good before an ill-advised wedding.
They're breeding grounds for diseases.
Dad! Perfect for legionnaire's.
Moisture gets under your lungs and that's it.
Chronic diarrhoea, then dementia.
OK.
Do you want a drink of anything? 96 degrees Fahrenheit.
Perfect temperature for bacteria.
Would it be possible to have a hot water with honey? Just one drop of urine What's going on? Have you got a new show? You got a chat show? My boy's gonna be on television.
Not.
Not interested, then.
Come to the kitchen.
What for? You got a radio show? No.
Tell me you're not doing something on the internet.
It's very hot, Simon, so I'm taking it through.
I didn't have any honey, so I put a few sugars in.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Are you a bit on edge? No.
Why? All right.
You know I went on that course? Why don't you just get on with life like a normal person? No, I'm very complicated.
It's a terrible curse.
Yeah This was about living authentically.
What happened to opening your window to joy? Yeah, it's still open.
Good.
Did you get a lever arch file? No.
Not yet.
Maybe my dad's got one.
I don't need one.
It's got a section for your bills, a section for bank statements.
You just need decluttering.
I need you to do this course so we can have a less awkward, more meaningful relationship.
What's awkward? Wasn't I a wonderful mother? Amazing.
Look at my veins.
I don't want to see your veins.
All from you.
Stretch marks.
You don't know what you did to my nipples, do you? No, I don't.
Needy, clamping gums.
You were eating whole apples before you had teeth! OK.
You destroyed my erogenous zones.
So part of the thing was learning about compassion.
We're still talking about this? This is the thing.
Are you ready? Yeah.
I forgive you for the divorce.
What? What are you forgiving me for? It wasn't your fault.
I know it wasn't! OK.
And also I'd like you to forgive me for the anger and resentment I've been holding onto.
You don't resent me.
You'd better not! But you were just stupid kids.
Right.
Is that it? No.
Where are you going? And you know it wasn't your fault? Oh, yeah.
It was your bastard father's fault! Was it, though? Yes! I didn't go running off to Scotland every weekend to go canoeing with a slut, did I? OK.
But we're all human.
No, we're not.
No? Nobody wants to be the bad guy.
Nobody thinks that they're the baddie.
Why do you think he was like that? I don't know.
Maybe he liked rowing! What's happened? Have they brainwashed you? I told him I wasn't angry with him either.
When did you speak to him? You didn't speak to the bastard, did you? You can't move forward until you complete with your past.
What? What did they do to you, these people? Nothing.
Just sit for a minute.
You just sort of feel inspired on the course to phone people and complete with them.
He's already complete.
He's a complete prick! Compassion.
That was quite a good one.
Yes, really good.
So is that why you're here? Good.
Thank you, darling.
I'm glad we're all complete.
So I've invited him over today.
Fuck off.
Here? Yeah.
You call him now and tell him he is not coming.
We are letting go of the past and healing the moment.
Your grandmother will get a knife and cut his cock off! Hi, Liz.
You haven't given them any money? lb300.
For what? Next time, give me lb300 and I'll get my nipples repaired.
What's he done now? Nothing for you to worry about.
My son's just joined a cult, that's all.
Typical.
We've got plans today.
What is it? It's not a cult.
Cults separate families.
This is about bringing families together and making them talk.
That's worse! It's embarrassing, Simon.
I'd rather you joined the Moonies.
Peaches Geldof's a Scientologist.
- It's such a shame.
What do you think about that, Simon? Is she a schmucko from Morocco, eh? What do I care about Peaches Geldof? Of course you care.
Come on.
Say something funny about Peaches Geldof.
I've got nothing.
What's wrong with him? What about Peter Andre? Anything? Dad, have you got a lever arch file? Right, look, you've been on this forum and we're very happy for you and now you just need to go and make this phone call right now, OK? We do not need to talk about it.
You have to keep the course alive so you stop repeating patterns.
We're all living into the past rather than living into the future.
You should understand this.
You're about to marry the same man again.
What? Have you not noticed that Clive and Dad both suffer from the same need to control and they're both boring.
Simon! Clive's got personality, hasn't he? Richard was a bastard.
All right, forget that.
Forget that.
It's all about perception.
This is good.
You'll like this.
So I had a fixed internal dialogue about Liz.
You had a what? It's a false perception.
I made it up.
It's my fault, really, that there's this sort of odd tension between us.
What tension is there? She's just tense.
We have 52 minutes before we leave this house.
Right.
She is a bit tense.
But it's specifically tense between us.
No, there's no tension, is there? Do you want some fruit? A tangerine? No, thanks.
So, on this course, the whole thing was about creating possibility.
I'd like now to invent the new possibility of us having a better, more authentic, close relationship.
What was the false perception bit? Forget that.
Go on, I'm interested now.
You know the sort of thing.
That you're a bit paranoid, humourless What? Annoying, racist I'm annoying and humourless?! No problem with racist? Shall I get you a tangerine? No, it's fine.
But forget all that now.
I'm all about compassion and love.
They're seedless.
Thank you.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
So how do you feel about that? Yeah.
Whatever.
I don't know what I've done to you, but if it makes you feel better Can I just fill in these forms for everyone? What's wrong with you? I've just said an amazing thing.
What do you want me to say? You sound like a maniac! Why can't you just be less judgmental and more like me? What was that? You know you didn't come to any of my school shows.
Or a pear? What are we talking, 20 years ago? We went to one.
Your mother forced us to sit there for two hours to hear your three lines! He had more the next year.
Look.
Please, just make this call, now.
We all have our own lives going on, Simon.
What does it matter? Because you have affected my life.
I dated someone for two years, couldn't make him happy.
I don't want to know.
I'll get you a pear.
Couldn't make him laugh, and on the course I realised that I have been dating you, which was quite annoying.
You've lost me now.
Look.
I don't mean to be funny There you go.
Just stop now, darling.
Hang on.
It was you, Liz.
I was sleeping with you for two years to get your validation.
Thank you! Now I've ticked the box saying I've got AIDS.
Thank you.
Now you've given me AIDS.
I want to live an authentic life.
You just need a good fuck! Oh, Tanya.
Will you just go now? Call.
Made a mess now.
Eat your pear.
Cross out the AIDS.
Simon, shut the door.
What are we doing? Ssh! You can sit.
Right now.
Your grandma and me, we don't want to interfere, but we've been a bit worried.
We don't know if you're happy.
I'm fine now.
Well, I've done the research.
This is what they say and it's very important.
OK.
There you go.
"A Guide To Eating Out.
"The lick-by-lick guide to mouth-watering orgasmic oral sex"? That one's got illustrations.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Chapter 9 in that one will sort you out.
You just take them home with you.
And I need them back in two weeks or you've got to pay 40p.
You got these from the library?! It was easy.
I just looked them up on the computer and filled in the forms.
You wrote these words on a form? Do you want a bag? There's an induction tomorrow night.
Call him again.
I left a message.
Don't you realise it's a ridiculous idea? I just left a message! On Monday, you need to get a job.
What were you thinking? Whatever happened to hating your father? I've accepted him as a person.
I'm coming from nothing now.
What? We perceive each other from the past.
When you're coming from nothing, you can create who that person is for you in that moment.
Do you know who you sound like? I don't sound like him.
So you've forgiven him for being angry all the time if you didn't use a coaster? Who cares about coasters? It's all just a story.
And you don't mind him becoming a frummer.
You hate religion.
I'm all about compassion now.
Treat religious people with kindness and love, in the same way you'd treat a child saying, "I'm a helicopter!" So you still hate him? No hate.
It's a new way of thinking.
What happened to the old way? "What's on television? Oh, it's my son Simon.
" Not, "I wonder what my son's saying in my mum's kitchen.
"Oh, it's a load of shit.
" Who are you really arguing with? What? You! Really, though? Or is this about your relationship with your mother? I can't talk to you if you're being odd.
Can't talk to me, or your mother? Fuck off! Or Clive? Is it Clive? Just shut up.
Put it out there.
Share with me.
Just shut up.
OK.
You ready? You'll love this.
What? Clive's moving? Dying? He's dying.
Stop it.
Right, you can't say anything today.
OK.
And don't be all smug about it.
Smug? I'm sensitive and thoughtful.
He's been made redundant.
From the box company? What if someone needs a box? You see, smug! Concern.
No-one knows boxes like Clive.
The box industry's gone mad.
This is my life.
How do I survive now? He's unemployed, you're peculiar.
So it's over? No! I can't just leave him for that.
You're with him because he has a job.
Smug, again.
Maybe you could leave him because he's an awful human? Isn't that just your perception? No, that's fact.
He hasn't been working so I've spent time with him.
Oh, God.
And you can't bear to look at him any more? You hate his face? Do you have any idea how much work went into getting a man to marry me? No.
I told Clive your father used to attack you with a cheese-grater.
What? Why? You make up some bits so they feel they need to protect you and hello! So you said he used to grate me? No? I thought kettle sounded a bit Yeah.
Maybe I should have gone with spatula.
Was this a tip on Loose Women? No, I came up with it myself.
Why else does he put up with you? This is what you do when your arse is getting verrucas.
Oh, just call your bastard father! OK, shall we let him in now? No, he's not coming in.
What's going on? Shush! Look.
What? Just look.
It's a frummer with a plant.
Have another look.
It's not Richard, is it? What the hell is that cheating bastard doing here? Simon invited him.
Direct orders from his cult.
Shut up! Are you trying to kill my mother?! Yeah, that's my plan.
You're next.
Can we let this go and try to accept the moment? You don't fancy seeing him again? No I don't.
He's creepy.
He used to look at me.
Oh, he didn't, Liz.
Trust me.
Just get rid of him.
OK, ready? Hello.
Simon.
Gosh.
How are you? Oh, my God.
Nice beard! Hello.
You look well.
Do I? Thin? Look at my thighs.
Can you look at women's thighs? I'm here for my son.
Oh, please.
You have to go now.
What have you got a plant for? For your mother.
That'll help.
Simon did something really special this week.
He called me and said something I've been waiting 15 years to hear.
Who is it? Christians! Don't get involved.
Say to leave a catalogue if they want.
Leave now.
My mother doesn't know you're coming, my father's had cancer, my sister's wearing a tracksuit.
Can we just go in? It'll be good.
Not with my mother here.
I need this in my life.
She's going out in a minute.
Come back in ten minutes.
Drive around.
All right.
Sorry about your father.
Oh, do me a favour! Fine.
What do you want to do with this? Shove it! He's coming back after Mum's gone.
What for? I'm trying to heal you people.
We're fine, thank you very much.
We shouldn't be scared of Grandma's don't-upset-me-I'll-break face.
What are you talking about? Hmm! Hmm! Don't! You look like Clive during sex.
Tanya! Not funny? No, it's abuse.
I'm going now, Tanya.
Oh, what are you all doing in here? Nothing.
It's OK.
Oh, what a lovely plant.
Is it for me? Who's the best daughter? Ahh.
Forgot I'd even bought it for you.
Put it in the living room, yeah? Won't be long.
I'll just get his pills then we'll go to the spa.
Take your time.
OK, so Simon's been on a weird course and has invited Richard here to talk to us just for five minutes.
OK? Does Lilly know you're here? You're not going to cause any trouble? It's like Surprise, Surprise.
You haven't seen your appalling son-in-law for 16 years Not funny, Tanya.
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
Hurry up.
Mum'll be back in a minute.
You still go cycling? Now and then.
Got a pump? - Yeah.
Might have, in the boot.
- Not now! I don't want to cause any upset.
Maybe you shouldn't have fucked that Scottish woman in the canoe! I didn't! You know there was no actual canoeing involved.
Just get his pump, quickly! Happy? Wonderful.
OK, quickly then.
Speak now.
You're not meant to bounce on it.
He can if he wants to.
Carry on.
It's supposed to stretch his spine.
Just let him bounce! So when he asked me to come over I don't know what to say.
I've done my bit.
I'm here for Simon.
Not for an apology.
What?! Who needs to apologise to you? Forget the past.
It's done.
What's done? We all know what you did.
Me?! Your mother turned my son against me.
He could see what was going on! So he just chose not to call for 15 years? - Maybe he just thinks you're a wanker.
- Stop bouncing! Someone told him to stop bowling with me.
He said it was boring.
No, I didn't.
Did I? No, it was fun.
It was really fun.
I enjoyed it.
Can we say maybe he's right a bit? It's all just perception anyway.
Can I draw you the diagram? That's from the slightly less interesting side of the family! You've contaminated him.
He used to be on television, now he's drawing diagrams! Ready? Quickly.
It's what happens and what you make it mean.
Circle One, what happens.
Circle Two, what you make it mean.
So what affects us, why we're anxious, is not because of what happens but because of all the meaning we create about what happens.
This first circle, what happens.
That's life.
That doesn't exist.
Brilliant! Are you listening? Yeah.
Two circles.
Lie on your back.
Better for your spine.
Here Can we just do this? Sorry.
We're just meaning-making machines.
We create all the drama through our limited perceptions.
So, something happens, we make it mean something.
Something happens, we make it mean something.
Life is empty and meaningless.
And it's empty and meaningless cos it's empty and meaningless.
OK, shut up now.
We're meant to be at a bloody spa! She's still quite uptight.
Do you mind? Liz, I've got some books for you.
What? Oh, carry on.
Who was it? No-one.
Clive? Why aren't you answering? Cos we're in the middle of something.
He lost his job and she's gone off him.
Do you mind? She spent the week with him.
Apparently, he's quite boring.
Oi! I'm sharing.
It's a difficult time to lose your job.
Could be years before he sees another job.
Undo your top a bit.
I can't breathe.
You haven't had a row? No! Rowing already? Not a good sign.
OK.
Can we have a minute? What? What are we doing? Clive can be a bit boring, Liz.
Are you trying to be funny? I did say all this weeks ago.
I mentioned boring.
Isn't that your perception? No, it's fact.
What am I with him for? Not financial security now.
Is it the passion? What are you talking about? I can't live with him seven days a week! I'd go mad! I'm full of life, aren't I? I said all this weeks ago.
He's more dull in bed than your father.
But bigger.
Oh, Jesus We can hear you! Don't mention a word to my mum.
I know.
Don't say anything to my mother - it'll kill her! Simon, when she divorced him, my father became diabetic! OK.
All right! Sorry? Sorry, what happened? Your divorce caused Grandma so much stress she gave Grandpa diabetes? Yes! Shush now.
Not his diet? How can you do this to me? It's got nothing to do with you! If you want my opinion No! Piss off! We haven't got time for this.
You're getting married, OK? Your reception's at my house.
I've had an extension built for it.
Don't bother now.
They've knocked a wall out! It was your idea! It needed doing, anyway.
That room was so pokey.
You're pokey! You're just nervous.
Dad's just had chemo, right? Don't make a whole business about it.
Unless you want to kill him! Isn't it bad enough he can't have cake? Don't try to be funny.
Maybe we can all open up a bit.
I don't want to upset my mother.
She brought you up when that prick pissed off! Do you want them back together? God, no Is that what this is? No! I pushed for the divorce.
Wouldn't you rather live in a world of possibility, rather than fear? No.
We haven't got time.
There you go.
OK, thank you for coming, Richard.
Feel better now, Simon? No! You need to feel touched.
Has this touched or moved you? We're incredibly moved and touched! We all love each other very much.
Have you got that little screwdriver on your key ring that fixes glasses? Er, no.
Oh.
A bit wobbly.
Hurry up.
My mum's going to be back in ten minutes.
Next is to create a new possibility.
I got all the way there and I'd forgotten my Simon invited him round, but he's going now, OK? He bought the plant.
Oh.
Thank you.
It's a peace plant.
Don't over-water it or the tips will go brown.
Mm.
Be nice in the garden, maybe.
A peace plant? You all right, Mum? OK? There we go.
Not so bad.
OK, ready? Who would like to share? Mum? Go on.
Dad, say something.
Just get out! Go on! Leave a beautiful wife and child? Wasn't enough for you.
Gone frum? You think God didn't see you screwing that whore in the canoe?! God! OK, we're really almost done.
We are done.
We're close to becoming complete.
OK? Can I just say it was a hotel by a lake where one activity was canoeing? There was no canoeing involved! Pervert! You'd better keep praying! Comes here, makes a performance! There's the poison.
All right.
Don't talk You need to go now.
If you can stop looking at me for one second.
What? - It's embarrassing.
I'm really not looking at you.
I'm married.
And expecting a child.
Disgusting! You always wanted me! Oh, he hasn't! Are you insane? Tanya is very happy with Clive now! Yeah, all right He lives on Manor Road.
Four bedrooms and a utility room.
And a big kitchen with an island.
I wouldn't want to be made redundant, then.
What? I hear she's not all that happy.
Goodbye, then, Richard! They get married in two weeks.
OK We should be going to the spa.
- If you're not happy, why get married? Are you still here? Bernie, do you want to say something? Sat on a ball! OK, look, maybe in the future God, I can't bear this! We accept your apology, we apologise for whatever you're going on about, we all love each other, OK, Simon? Don't we, Mum? Can I show you the diagram? Just go! We've got the plant.
You're not his father, anyway.
What?! I'm joking! You are.
You are.
It's not funny, Tanya.
I'm trying to lighten the mood! Who's that? Will you all be OK? Try not to molest my sister.
Oh, please! What are you doing here? Surprise! I've got Richard here.
Richard? Why? Can't go into it.
Simon called him.
I can't guarantee I'll be a gentleman, Tanya.
What? There's no excuse for what he did to Simon.
Look, Clive's here.
What a wonderful surprise! Hello, all! Looks like James Bond.
James Bond - licence to kiss! Ooh! Bernie, have you joined the old fitness brigade? You can't just sit on it, you silly old bugger.
You've got to kneel on the floor, stomach over the top and hands behind the head.
That's it! I've just come to drop something off for my fiance.
No, stay, stay.
Sit next to Tanya.
Tanya, kiss Clive.
Probably best if I go.
I think so.
- No, not yet.
Not yet.
- You must be Richard.
Clive.
Got it in one, mate.
Clive, you can stay for a bit, yeah? Do you want a drink? Coffee? Tea? Not for me, Mish Moneypenny.
You OK, Si? Fine.
We're sort of in the middle of a thing.
Do you want to go and come back? You know, it's not your fault.
OK.
- It's not your fault.
- All right, all right.
- It's not your fault.
- OK, OK, OK! Thanks.
All right, so finally it's really about moving beyond the past to find a new way of being in the present.
Look, I can't do this.
I'm sorry, Tan.
I can't be Mr Nice Guy while that slug is sitting there, happy as Larry.
Excuse me? Oh, come on! Simon's a basket case.
Clive Anybody who beats a child is up there with being a nonce, in my book.
I didn't beat him.
He's not a lump of cheese! No! He didn't, did he? Did you make that up? Did I make it up? Your grandma will be very upset.
I made it up, did I, that he grated me? What? So I did it for the attention? I guess I did it for the attention.
Simon, there's no shame.
It's not your fault.
You want to let it out.
- OK, how are you? Why are you here? - Actually, I've been a bit naughty.
Oh, God, what have you done? Two tickets to Vegas.
Two tickets for Bette Midler.
Pre-wedding honeymoon! No! Oh, my God! Vegas! Bette Midler! Did you know I love Bette? She loves Bette Midler! I know everything.
Richard never took her anywhere.
Oh, my God.
Let me breathe.
Tanya says you've lost your job.
Shouldn't you save your money? I've been offered another job with much better pay.
I'll be in Ipswich three days a week, so I thought I'd better check with the boss.
Really? You'd be away half the week? Ridiculous.
We could make that work.
I thought I'd hang on for a while No, take the job.
Is the job confirmed? Take it, yeah.
How wonderful! There's a man.
Did you ever know that you're my hero? You are the wind beneath my wings All right, Mum.
OK.
Fly! Fly! Richard, can you go now? OK, Simon? No.
OK, sit.
Just to sum up Can you sit down for a minute? Mum So we're all human beings, right? Mum, we're all human.
Yeah, I know.
We've all made mistakes.
And everything's just perception anyway.
The past doesn't exist.
Dad feels he wasn't treated well by Grandma.
And we can all understand that Dad had a lot of stress at work and so he became controlling at home.
I don't think I was.
Can we just say we've all got issues? Can he leave now? I wasn't controlling.
You were a very awkward child.
Shut up and let me do this healing.
What was controlling? Fine, it wasn't controlling.
Making us answer the phone with the last four digits? No.
Why? They just dialled the number! It's so they know I know, I know.
It was silly and we can all move on I got work calls at home.
Was your business called 1495? It's fine, I'm letting it go.
I don't know why you had to make such a big deal, you could have just done it.
If I wasn't worried that people might call and think I was an awful twat! When you've got kids It's fine.
I'm letting it go.
It's fine.
Just putting that on the table? No coaster? Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with coasters? "Simon, have you got a coaster!" It's better to protect the wood.
It's boring to protect wood! I've got a table at home, covered in ring marks! This is why I'm still a child.
I fuck up my furniture so I don't become you! OK, Simon, have we shared enough? And you bring a plant? Pathetic.
Fine.
Can Daddy go now? No! We need a new way of being! Here you go.
OK, can we just repeat after me? Just repeat! We as a family now create the possibility of loving relationships, free of anger of the past.
We now create Oh, I can't bear this.
Fine.
We all need No coaster?! It's on the glass! You all right? Yeah, fine, fine.
Sorry about everything.
Oh, don't you worry about anything.
Listen, I did have to pay a lb70 deposit for the spa.
I don't need it now.
You could give it to your mum.
Unless you've got it on you now if it's easier.
Have you? No, don't worry.
What books did you get? No, don't touch!